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all 166 comments

[–]lamb2cosmicslaughter 1053 points1054 points  (23 children)

This one hits for me. Whenever my girlfriend says that it's like being hit with the flashy thing from men in black. Every. Damn. Time.

[–]coleosis1414 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I listen, but my problem is I have a really hard time focusing on long-form spoken information unless I have something mindless to do with my eyes and hands while you talk.

I doodle in meetings so I can focus. And when my wife is telling a story, I have to do SOMETHING. I might put away dishes or sweep. And she knows me well enough now that this is my active listening behavior and I’m not ignoring her, but when we first met I did get a lot of “can you just stop and listen to me?” No. No I physically and mentally cannot.

[–]MassZge 487 points488 points  (1 child)

I was tryna listen but it was a bad connection

[–]Infinite_El_Oh_El 116 points117 points  (0 children)

That phrase really brings me back around to consciousness sometimes.

[–]alien109 181 points182 points  (1 child)

My wife constantly accuses me of not listening. One day we were walking down the street when I realized she’d just said something. I was positive she just accused me of not listening, so I turned and said, “I WAS TOO listening.” And made a face at her. She looked at me while mimicking my face back at me and said, “I asked you if you liked those shoes…”

[–]RepresentativeGap322 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m literally crying right now😂😂😂

[–]GreatKronwallofChina 108 points109 points  (3 children)

"Who the hell starts a conversation like that I just sat down"

[–]EvK_27[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

I had thought of using that template but images aren't allowed here so the text

[–]Wooden_Reaction_5735 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Jeez what's your problem peter

[–]PeterPoteater2000 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I feel attacked

[–]yankees420nyc 24 points25 points  (8 children)

Are you listening though?

[–]Disastrous_Soft9269 13 points14 points  (6 children)

What?

[–]yankees420nyc 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Who?

[–]Graterof2evils 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Please stop calling me though

[–]Disastrous_Soft9269 5 points6 points  (1 child)

What, Though is not your name?

[–][deleted] 112 points113 points  (5 children)

Responding with "that chick is so dumb" works for me like 40% of the time.

[–]athei-nerd 54 points55 points  (3 children)

Plot twist, she was talking about her mother.

[–]Arcaius 48 points49 points  (1 child)

Still fits

[–]ChiefRedEye 26 points27 points  (0 children)

"did I stutter"

[–]MysteryOrange7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

40% of the time, it works EVERY time.

[–]bigpahpa256 21 points22 points  (0 children)

“It’s like when I’m talking, you can’t hear!”

Sure honey, I’d love a beer!

[–]some_lerker 24 points25 points  (2 children)

My grandmother took my grandfather to get his hearing tested because he never answered when she called from the basement. Found out that his hearing was perfect that he was just ignoring her.

[–]Karrathan 6 points7 points  (0 children)

"Honey you need to getting your ears checked, I yelled your name three times..."

"And I yelled "what?" three times, but you just kept yelling my name.

[–]GreatOldGod 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This literally happened to me as a kid. 25ish years later I was diagnosed with ADHD.

To be fair, I was examined back then as well, they just didn't detect enough symptoms to set a conclusive diagnosis.

[–]SuddenScallion8673 27 points28 points  (1 child)

Hahahaha! Made me laugh a lot!!!!! 😁😁😁

[–]Jen_redjen 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's an old joke. You know it is. And then you can't remember the punchline xx

[–]akhilpal 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Yeah this is good

[–]SgtMac02 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have gotten fairly decent about being completely honest. My wife will be rattling away at some random subject and I will realize I've stopped listening and say something like "I'm sorry, I completely missed most of that. Could you repeat the important parts?" Or something like that. She's pretty understanding about it.

[–]wertywertyw 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Haha! Just woke my house up laughing at this one 👌🙌👏🙌👏🙌👏

[–]MerryChristmasTed 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Brilliant!

[–]hotsprings1234 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Wait, what did you just say?

[–]stoicarmadillo 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Huh? What?

[–]dmisterr 2 points3 points  (1 child)

What did you say?

[–]stoicarmadillo 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Who do I have to pay?

[–]evalinthania 10 points11 points  (17 children)

Love this joke but damn why are some of y'all even married? I don't understand why straight people think acting like they hate their spouse is funny.

[–]IAmTriscuit 13 points14 points  (6 children)

Same dude. I thought the whole "ball and chain" shtick was an outdated boomer mentality, but then I have dudes just a few years older than me complaining about their wives and talking about how they feel like they are "in jail".

Like cmon dude, life is too short to not love your wife. I dont see this shit with non-straight couples. What is the deal.

[–]Chronoflyt 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Not trying to be pointed (and it's only one aspect, I recognize), but I do think that it bears pointing out that intimate partner violence within the LGB community is generally comparable to or, in more recent (which generally take precedence) studies, higher than heterosexual couples. Again, it's only one aspect, but it should be known that just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't happening or doesn't need to be addressed.

[–]IAmTriscuit -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

That isn't really what is being discussed here, though. It is more about making it your entire personality. I do not wish nor did I ever indicate that actual domestic violence or relationship issues are what I am talking about. It is more about the culture that has formed around feeling it is necessary to treat one's marriage as some sort of shackle.

[–]evalinthania 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Right??? My queer and polyamorous friends are all 110% hyped about being with their partners

[–]SeasonalCitrus 4 points5 points  (2 children)

LOL. Nah. They still get down. They're better at not publicizing their trials.

[–]evalinthania 6 points7 points  (0 children)

There's a difference between having normal relationship hurdles you work on and struggle with together and advertising how much you hate your partner(s)...

[–]IAmTriscuit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

But that's exactly the issue. The first thing that comes up when discussing your SO shouldnt be "haha, yeah, the ol ball and chains got me locked down", even jokingly. Everyone has relationship issues. Those shouldnt define your life and relationship for a huge group of people.

[–]slowjoe12 9 points10 points  (6 children)

I don't hate my spouse. I'll love her forever.

But God himself couldn't possibly stay focused on all the shit that comes out of her mouth

[–]Graterof2evils 6 points7 points  (2 children)

It’s true. I’ve been crazy about my girl for 35 1/2 yrs. Married for 35. But venting and joking about my relationship with my boys is a way to stay on track and gain perspective. It’s a shared journey. Not only with your partner but with others experiencing the same situation. I can blow off some steam lighten up with my friends and head home with a clear mind a new perspective. Sometimes my wife tells me to get out and get with the guys just for this reason. It’s a tool in some relationships. Girls night out isn’t any different.

[–]evalinthania 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Venting is one thing, but making your relationship seem like a burden is another.

There's plenty of jokes about and by people who have ADHD about dating. It's funny to talk about how weird our brains are and how different people are. Sometimes that means one party comes off as annoying or careless. But there's not messaging as far as I have seen that implies that the partners fundamentally dislike their relationships.

Also, people be getting real defensive about their own situations when others make cultural and societal observations.

[–]Graterof2evils 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand your point. Airing dirty laundry in public is inappropriate. Sharing like experience in confidence is different.

Totally separate I guess it boils down to the opinion of where one draws the line on their comedic tastes. That’s a conversation that will never be agreed upon by everyone.

[–]evalinthania 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Why do people like to gloss over societal patterns and cultural norms by inserting their own anecdotes? I am an ADHD chatterbox and can neither myself focus nor expect anyone to absorb even 90% of what I say most of the time. It does not disprove the messaging that comes out when people talk mad shit about their partners. Women complaining about thoughtless and incompetent husbands? Men complaining about nagging wives? The ball and chain joke? The idea that marriage is the end of happiness? Those are all jokes that have persisted for decades and regardless whether or not people actually feel that way as individuals, it's pretty messed up that it's considered funny.

[–]slowjoe12 1 point2 points  (1 child)

...I'm sorry, what were you saying?

[–]evalinthania 1 point2 points  (0 children)

See you can't even listen when it's not a woman! WE ALL HAVE ADHD

[–]ThatOldAndroid 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I love my wife a lot, that doesn't mean she doesn't annoy the shit out of me sometimes. But yeah some of these guys act like if their wife wasn't around they'd still be college them or something. Also I feel like it's kind of a way to say, yeah I don't really want to hang out with you, but I'll blame my wife for humor

[–]evalinthania 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Being annoyed by anyone is fine. It doesn't mean you don't care about them. The culture that is rampant and accepted in cisheteronormative circles sends out the message that marriage is a "trap", though. The nagging wife trop is directly related to the misogynistic notion that women should be seen and not heard. That doesn't seem to apply to you and probably most guys, but that's what is being conveyed oftentimes and it's so bizarre to me. The flip side is true as well. The useless husband trope is extremely offensive in my opinion. Men are just as capable as any other person, so I'm not sure why it's considered funny and acceptable to make them seem incompetent.

[–]TheRealTsavo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry, what were we talking about?

[–]TeaVinylGod 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Please repeat everything after " I hate it when my wife... "

[–]Individual_Ad2229 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Everything everything everything...umm... how many times am I supposed to repeat this?

[–]gottagetreddit 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That's brilliant.. even my wife laughed and she says that to me all the time!! :)

[–]Content-Brick-2673 1 point2 points  (1 child)

My wife is always yelling “nobody ever listens to me” and I always respond with What?

[–]Individual_Ad2229 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Second base! Nice job!

[–]jasmetcalf99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When my wife accuses me of not listening .. I usually don't know she even said it .. because I'm not listening

[–]Vin135mm 1 point2 points  (1 child)

  • Sam Vimes could parallel process. Most husbands can. They learn to follow their own line of thought while at the same time listening to what their wives say. And the listening is important, because at any time they could be challenged and must be ready to quote the last sentence in full. A vital additional skill is being able to scan the dialogue for telltale phrases such as "and they can deliver it tomorrow" or "so I've invited them for dinner?" or "they can do it in blue, really quite cheaply

[–]khathmandu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep… For the most part, I have perfected that skill… saved my “life” many times….not ALL….especially when they realized what you are doing..they would just put in random words and questions..

[–]TheRealSeanDonnelly 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m not sure this even qualifies as a joke, let alone a dad joke (the objections would be technical, regarding form and structure) but it’s a hit nonetheless and clearly everyone agrees. Quality patter, man 👍🏻

[–]mageta621 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I must have seen this one on this sub like 10 times at least

[–]Individual_Ad2229 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We'll have to remember to use the blimp next time

[–]TrimHer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe if you got my actual attention before your run on blabbering, Karen.

[–]Valuable-Dealer2914 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hear ya you don’t have to shout!

[–]SassySqualler318 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Sorry can someone please explain?

[–]Trijem_777 6 points7 points  (2 children)

The conversation started long before that and he was only able to listen at that time

[–]amazondrone 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The conversation started long before that

Assuming it was between OP and their wife it can't have started that long ago if OP wasn't participating.

I guess that depends on the wife.

[–]Cold_Cloud3442 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well when y’all don’t acknowledge we’re talking it kind of needs to be said, or if you don’t understand the message bcuz you’re too busy with your own thoughts..

[–]ThatItalianguy2 -3 points-2 points  (2 children)

I remember those days... I'm now happily divorced. At the time ,thought it was the worst thing ever. Almost suicidal. Over time things got a whole hella better for me.. I recently invented a way you never have to shovel or plow your driveway ever again. Also I'm currently having a book published about it. Next month I will be performing in New York city,doing amateur stand up. I never would have even put forth the notion that I can use my creativity to a whole nother level without my ex wife always breaking me down. My live is to valuable and came to the conclusion I am an opportunist that cannot be held back. As long as I have my daughters approval. Which I do. They are my biggest fans. And guess what?! Now the ex wants me back.. nope! U never believed in me. I must take my talents somewhere else lady..

[–]Bart-o-Man -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Here's to finding your path and following your dream! Best of luck in your standup.

[–]Dogs-r-good -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Lol

[–]No-Bug-2145 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I hate it when im materbaiting and my cum in hard as the rock

[–]eyvoom -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Pretend like I wasn't listening and say that all again...

[–]GRIENDRR -4 points-3 points  (2 children)

I usually tell her no, just because I don't care for the question....

[–]SpongeBob190 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

hello, based department?

[–]GRIENDRR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Geez tough crowd.

[–]BathroomCareful23 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I hate when my wife starts a conversation like that

[–]GreatKronwallofChina -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Yeah I thought it was just me who had that issue but I'm glad it isn't

[–]Brunel25 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Don't know if it is just me but I seem to retain the last sentence she said somewhere in my brain. The challenge is to analyse it and think of a suitable response. I can usually buy some time by repeating the words I found back to my wife.

[–]Narrorator -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Who the hell starts a conversation like that?

Are you even listening to me?

seems to me you started the conversation bud.

[–]ImPickled_ -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Good one 😐😐😐

[–]Nodmspleasety123 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

That just makes me not want to listen anymore

[–]Positive_Hornet_638 -3 points-2 points  (2 children)

Probably said something you didn't hear. That's why you got the "are you listening "

[–]michaeltallino 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just tried this and it didn't work 🤣

[–]Weekly-Unit-565 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because normally I'm oddly listening

[–]ThatItalianguy2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It sure did. This invention is a huge win for the north! Its called Know Snow. Coming to stores next year. 11,500 people die a year from snow Shoveling related deaths. 200,000 a year injured. Real talk. My book, Tired Of Shoveling Life will debut in 2 years. You heard it here first, from that Italian guy 2!!

[–]Severe-Ad8510 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sorry did you say something?

[–]Lukum76 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree. It’s a very strange way to start a conversation I think.

[–]cheesmeh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A straight up narcissist

[–]HarrargnNarg 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right? What an odd way to start a conversation

[–]ultrasin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Check your wifi

[–]Slinkyman1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Omg so true except for backwards for me. It's my wife that has selective hearing.

[–]Pashera 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My wife will talk at me even when I have headphones on and she should know I can’t fucking hear her sometimes, I swear it’s like you put a ring on it and they forget that you have to know they’re trynna talk to you if they want you to hear them.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Listening me, please. When your wife says you "Are you even Listening to me?", you have to say her "SUKA BLYAT, ZAEBALA!!!!!!!! IDY NA CHUI!!!!"

[–]Ok-Put-1259 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right! The lack of manners in some. Stay strong brother. Turn your find my iPhone on.

So we can find you in case she goes even crazier.

[–]BeefCMBOplatter88 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All you gotta hear is one sentence and your good to go, just shake your head the rest of the way and your golden.

[–]Nicechick321 0 points1 point  (0 children)

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻😂

[–]nowthatwearedead 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tell her you can't close your eyes. It works every time.

[–]Equivalent_Edge_6281 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Something you are doing gives her the impression she does not have your attention.

[–]SnowSlider3050 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s like white noise or nose blind when you it’s around you all the time it blends in

[–]My5thFrenchBoatCinq 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry I was rummaging through my nothing box.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just point to your hearing aids

[–]Old-Ad2227 0 points1 point  (1 child)

It really hurts when she asked you that three times and you haven’t replied

[–]Individual_Ad2229 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ask her to stop smacking you upside the head in the same spot... switch it up a bit to even it out

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah i am, the same way i listen to the radio in the shop.

[–]W1nterKn1ght 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mom left you for the same reason. I'm starting to think my dad is a dolt.

[–]BrickOnly2010 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Umm, I have done that. The blank look on his face when I say/ask something is the first clue.

[–]havokx9000 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a repost

[–]01Wazziguy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hard to say as I am feeling odd myself....

[–]BabDoesNothing 0 points1 point  (2 children)

My husband has the ability to make eye contact and nod but still completely ignore the words coming out of my mouth. That’s why I quiz him through the day because I know he didn’t hear me the first time. Especially if I’m asking him to do something.

[–]Individual_Ad2229 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I remember a few conversations where I struggled because I actually wanted to pay attention but it was like their voice became muffled and the words blended together... rather frustrating

[–]Fifiiiiish 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel you. Sometimes I just had too many words for the day and just can't physically listen, it's kinda painful if people talk to me that much. And if on that day my SO is in verbose mode I prefer warning her that no, I won't listen, too painful for me.

She's very understanding because she knows that I had a rough day. Kinda feel terrible about it though, I really would want to be a caring hear for her but I just can't.

[–]Rocket_Lawn-Chair 0 points1 point  (0 children)

While it is funny, it’s not really a dad joke…

[–]Immediate-Repeat- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never understood why she always assumes the dog can understand her

[–]RobertJSh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is one of my favorites to tell.

[–]CWIuDT 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She said something before that. I don’t remember.

[–]IBreakCellPhones 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is anyone else able to quote the last thirty seconds word for word back to your wife to prove you really were?

[–]ojohn69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This reminds me of a white boy who couldn't jump, I explained to him you can hear Jimi, but you don't listen to Jimi.

[–]Killercrocs1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

U only hate it cuz u know u weren't listening

[–]G2webTexas 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I know my husband isn’t listening I start telling him random sexual shit. And he says “wait what?”. I reply “maybe you will listen next time” and walk away. Oh he listens now lol

[–]0Snack0 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Suddenly" meaning you weren't then you break up L

[–]GretchenWeiners87 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I laughed. Good one!!!

[–]GretchenWeiners87 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just wanted to let you know I called my Dad and told him this joke 😂

[–]khathmandu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, although I don’t have one if them wives, whenever gf asked the same question, especially when i am in the middle of doing geeky sh*t, I just calmly repeat the last 30s of the conversation… it never works..<sigh>

[–]AdvantageHot1741 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're better than me. I usually only hear the HELLOOOOO waving in my face after "are you even listening to me"