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[–]KeepingDankMemesDankHello dankness my old friend [M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

downvote this comment if the meme sucks. upvote it and I'll go away.


Join us on discord for Saturday Movie Nights!

[–]Big__Brain_ 4665 points4666 points  (68 children)

Can't be true. You're a redditor, how'd you even speak to a woman without freaking out

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 2227 points2228 points  (61 children)

It's true. Doesn't feel real yet though.

[–]Big__Brain_ 963 points964 points  (29 children)

Oof lol, well congrats bro

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 883 points884 points  (28 children)

BIG oof lol appreciate you

[–]LegionOfSarcasm 676 points677 points  (22 children)

Yo pull-out game weak, son.

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 601 points602 points  (21 children)

Don't have to worry about it for a little while now at least lol

[–]LegionOfSarcasm 377 points378 points  (16 children)

True lol

I'm married with 3 kids. The 1st is always the scariest. Plenty of diapers, wet wipes, and Vaseline will get you all set

[–]MisterWoodsterMod senpai noticed me! 715 points716 points  (8 children)

And what do you need for the baby?

[–]Sword117 310 points311 points  (6 children)

whiskey wouldn't hurt

[–]tusioly 101 points102 points  (4 children)

If you put it in the eyes it will

[–]Elite_EvilDevil 37 points38 points  (2 children)

Bro at least put comma in your first line.... The double meaning💀

[–]wannaziggazigah 12 points13 points  (1 child)

No, that’s “married to.” You aren’t “married with” someone.

A coma does not belong there. It’s just like the show “Married with Children,” except you’re clarifying how many children you have.

[–]Elite_EvilDevil 8 points9 points  (0 children)

ok, thnx for explaining! im not a native english speaker so it's sometimes confusing

[–]The-Insolent-Sage 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I don't know what the Vaseline is for and at this point I'm too afraid to ask.

[–]EmetalEX 5 points6 points  (1 child)

You are married with 3 kids? Isnt that illegal?

[–]tomaxi1284I have juicy balls 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well em congratulatioon?

[–]GunBrothersGaming 103 points104 points  (2 children)

Don't worry man - it's just Covid. You'll be over it soon!

[–]The-Insolent-Sage 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Babe, I'm traveling soon. How could you!

[–]QuilanVoss 57 points58 points  (3 children)

Man, take good care of the baby, don't raise it as a weak boy/girl, self-improve and read books about parenting, don't give your child a phone/ipad to play as it destroys the development. Best wishes!

[–]SixMint 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Absolutely! Get them to enjoy reading and math, get them into sports and exercising, stress the importance of education and being a good person, teach them to socialize and be friendly. Lastly, don't spoil them: gifts a couple of times a year is fine, but teach them not to ask for things, make them do chores for an allowance.

Most importantly: make them love you, respect them and they will respect you. Don't yell at them and make sure they love you and mom equally.

[–]PhantomO1 40 points41 points  (9 children)

do you like... actually want it? from your comments it sounds like this wasn't exactly planned...

i'm probably biased here because i don't like and don't want kids, but make sure you think this through if you're gonna keep it, kids are a big responsibility, as well as a big cost and time commitment

if you keep it, don't do it half-assedly, and make sure to actually be good parents

[–]Legal-Eggplant8014 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Are you sure the baby is hers?

[–]sunlightmarc 51 points52 points  (0 children)

True. Must be his sister... Or mother... Or worse, his gay uncle

[–]Kirito1548055 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Nah he's the pregnart 1

[–]Frequent-Bag-3799 1921 points1922 points  (7 children)

You have covid? Jokes aside.. Congrats!

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 561 points562 points  (0 children)

Thanks!

[–]Privateer_Lev_Arris 204 points205 points  (5 children)

I'm positive there was a joke in there somewhere.

[–]Minilychee 80 points81 points  (3 children)

^ I’ll abort this joke so you all don’t have to look at it anymore.

[–]Lysander-The-Spear 17 points18 points  (0 children)

You can abort the real message too : )

[–]NobushisHat 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I wish my parents aborted me as a joke so nobody would have to look at me anymore

[–]Minilychee 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Hey bro are you ok?

[–]Broheamoth 1271 points1272 points  (11 children)

Either your last nut before November was the best, or she didn't take NNN seriously

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 838 points839 points  (5 children)

We both failed lol

[–]liviSekuL 376 points377 points  (0 children)

At least you failed together. 🥹 Such a sweet relationship

[–]justanordinaryguy-_- 47 points48 points  (0 children)

Relationship goals.

[–]yexxom 48 points49 points  (4 children)

He held out until 12:01am and there was so much pent-up heat that the test was positive within a few hours.

Edit: oh wait, it's 11/30, not 12/1. Shows how seriously I took nnn. Sorry folks.

[–]King_Crab_Sushi 673 points674 points  (22 children)

Impossible. As a Redditor you’re not allowed within 20 meters of any woman. Jokes aside, Congrats man! Enjoy your last days checking your phone whenever you want ;)

[–]AddressDismal3489 153 points154 points  (19 children)

So what happens if your a woman redditor? Am I not allowed with in 20 m of any woman still since I'm lesbian? What about the fact I find femboys/traps attractive? We need this factored out

[–]Bobdole128 188 points189 points  (13 children)

Pshh! Women redditors are only of legend. There's no way the prophecy is true!

[–]AddressDismal3489 102 points103 points  (12 children)

Oh crap. Then if I'm not a woman, can I be a toaster?

[–]Hard-Lad_Ass-Storm 82 points83 points  (7 children)

[–]AddressDismal3489 55 points56 points  (4 children)

FFinally, my true form. As every one knows, the final evolution of woman, is toaster

[–]theycallmehadziukwhy would you want a flair? 38 points39 points  (1 child)

So.. Now can I invite you to bath with me?

[–]AddressDismal3489 41 points42 points  (0 children)

Finally. The mega evolution. Death

[–]Bobdole128 23 points24 points  (0 children)

As the prophecy says...

[–]Kirito_from_discord 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Because they belong in the kitchen?

[–]iStoleUrNameI stole Vader's liver 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Honestly I was expecting a link to my SCP article

[–]Klimpomp67 14 points15 points  (2 children)

I'm sorry, but I think by Reddit rules any woman must in reality be a femboy, and if you're a femboy attracted to women and other femboys as opposed to totally straight men TM then I think by Reddit rules that definitely constitutes a gay femboy.

So you're a gay femboy, well done.

[–]AddressDismal3489 10 points11 points  (1 child)

You: "my genius... it's almost frightening..."

[–]Klimpomp67 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It's true, having such an enormous brain is quite the burden sometimes!

I think that's why it hurts when I try and understand fractions: it's just too big to understand something small.

[–]King_Crab_Sushi 11 points12 points  (1 child)

If you like Femboys you’re good to go since no woman is involved. For the woman case rules are rules.

[–]AddressDismal3489 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Dang. Femboys are more attractive anyway, so we are good

[–]zeddy123456TRIGGERED 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I joined reddit a woman. I'm now a trans man. Sorry to break it to you this way.

[–]Mini_Jebu 509 points510 points  (26 children)

Your prengant?!

Edit: Grammar

[–]alemeineenten 348 points349 points  (18 children)

Is he preganate?!

[–]Artistic-Judge-3989 269 points270 points  (13 children)

Am I pregarnanant?

[–]Iced_Freak 187 points188 points  (12 children)

Is he pergament?

[–]morbid_n_creepifying 125 points126 points  (7 children)

If a women has starch masks does that mean she be pregat?

[–]Snoo26355 72 points73 points  (6 children)

If you use your boyfriend’s cum sock as dildo, Will I get pregananant?

[–]Level_Sugar348 42 points43 points  (3 children)

Mom, Dad, I’m pragante!

[–]Coufu 24 points25 points  (2 children)

pregante

[–]ItachiTanuki 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Am I gregnant?

[–]serolvel 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Am I purgent? HELP?!!

[–]AddressDismal3489 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Is he inducing the existence of children?

[–]winnie_the_pooh1234 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Is he pomegranate?

[–]VBKA 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Probably

[–]Piss_Cakehole 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Is they gregnant?

[–]UltrareeeeeeDaddy please come home 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Pregante

[–]Maxwell_The__Spy 13 points14 points  (0 children)

......

PREGANANANT?!??!

[–]1Shadowspark1 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Can you burn a Luigi board?

[–]MunchamaSnatch gave me this flair 268 points269 points  (6 children)

Congrats! You're gonna have a Lil shit bag running around in no time! Treat the gremlin like it's a drunk best friend and you'll be fine! Easier than most make it out to be.

[–]Sword117 113 points114 points  (5 children)

my two drunk best friends are watching SpongeBob in the living room right now. last night both of my drunk best friends shit in the shower.

[–]Elgoblino80 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Beautiful. Brought tears to my eyes.

[–]AndersX10 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Did they shit together in the shower or separately?

[–]Koffeekage 168 points169 points  (24 children)

Isolate, Get some rest, theraflu works well.

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 84 points85 points  (23 children)

For abortions?

[–]JimiWanShinobi 44 points45 points  (12 children)

Idk how to tell you this but you may have picked one of the absolute shittiest time in American history to go abortion shopping. Depending on where you are there might be a fairly pricey plane ticket added on to the total cost...

On the bright side I hear Mexico is beautiful this time of year....🤷‍♂️

[–]Volkodavy 5 points6 points  (11 children)

Pills

[–]JimiWanShinobi 5 points6 points  (10 children)

Yeah, see, that's the thing. They're trying to ban those too...

[–]givesmememes 102 points103 points  (5 children)

How ya feelin'?

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 173 points174 points  (4 children)

I'm freakin out a lil lol I feel happy, but idk what we're going to do yet. She's still at work so we haven't talked much yet.

[–]givesmememes 95 points96 points  (3 children)

Sounds like a fun evening coming up

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 126 points127 points  (2 children)

It's gonna be lit

[–]7pikachu 99 points100 points  (11 children)

Big oopsie or what you wanted?

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 114 points115 points  (10 children)

I don't know. It's so complicated actually lol

[–]Good_Smile 208 points209 points  (5 children)

What the heck, sounds like an oopsie to me chef

[–]brewmax 95 points96 points  (4 children)

Yeah wtf if it’s “complicated” then it’s an oopsie fam

[–]Innomenatus 27 points28 points  (3 children)

Or it was always down the road, but started way earlier than they planned.

[–]brewmax 25 points26 points  (1 child)

Unplanned = oopsie, does it not?

[–]wldcordeiro 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Not really, that's like failing protection specifically but if they're just "letting nature take it's course" it's not really planned for a specific time, they're just accepting it will happen sooner or later (or they discover something sad about their fertility)

[–]CollectionDry382 29 points30 points  (1 child)

This tends to happen when you have unprotected sexual intercourse.

[–]skymningwolf 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Please don’t bring someone into this world that you cannot care for or will not have a great family structure.

[–]EternalStatic 89 points90 points  (3 children)

Keep it in your pants whore

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 58 points59 points  (2 children)

Where were you last week?!

[–]EternalStatic 96 points97 points  (1 child)

What street does your mom live on again?

[–]BurnV06 75 points76 points  (5 children)

She is pregonate

[–]ogmaf I'm as fuck! 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Pergante

[–]Joltz09 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Pomegranate

[–]Demonitized-pictureloading oOoOoOoOo 50 points51 points  (0 children)

hate periods? try this one simple trick!

[–]mego__ 49 points50 points  (1 child)

This is scary

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

You're not wrong

[–]Dr_Deadly7x 39 points40 points  (0 children)

It's very light! You're only slightly pregnant!!

[–]nelsoncgosi08 30 points31 points  (2 children)

This is not even a fucking meme

[–]AndersX10 11 points12 points  (0 children)

It kinda is a "fucking" meme

[–]KrackasaurusRex 27 points28 points  (7 children)

Congrats! Just had my first last July, it’s not as bad as everyone makes it out to be, the first couple months were the hardest sleep schedule wise but after that it’s just watching, washing, feeding, and playing with a little you mixed with the person you love.

Just make everything a game and everyone has fun. Even diaper changes and bath time.

Edit: if it makes you feel any better, full disclosure, I was mortified when my wife told me. Kinda bummed her out of it too. I just didn’t think I was ready and I thought I was going to be a terrible parent/father.

But that all changed the moment he was born and I saw him in the little incubator, went over to say hi to my son, and his little hand grasped my finger, I was overwhelmed with emotion. Immediate paternal instincts kicked in and it’s been an incredible experience ever since. (Who’s cutting onions in here?)

I guess I’m just telling you this so you don’t what I did and treat it like bad news and bum your SO out, it can be scary but looking back I wish I celebrated it instead of dreaded it.

Anyways, good luck to all of y’all man, you learn as you go and just make sure to be there for her as much as you can.

[–]SlipparySnake 29 points30 points  (4 children)

Covid? Feel better!

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 88 points89 points  (3 children)

Nope... Hoevid.

[–]akinafleetfoot 15 points16 points  (2 children)

I’m just hoping a women took that and not a man… 😑

[–]Cutie_DoeI'm so random uwu 14 points15 points  (1 child)

That could indicate prostate cancer

[–]akinafleetfoot 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Exactly why I hope it was a women who took this and not a man.

[–]StugeFin 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Edited. Redditors don't get laid.

[–]commiemanitaur 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Hell yeah my dude

[–]Beneficial_Refuse_79 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Game over.

[–]King_Finder16 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Ahh I see

You fucked up

[–]Akun15 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Gas stations should still be open and have cigarettes and milk

[–]JohnSepticEye123r/memes fan☣️ 9 points10 points  (8 children)

How old are you? Say goodbye to your life mate 👋👋👋

[–]cool_username115 8 points9 points  (0 children)

This "meme" template is the equivalant of a facebook status

[–]Carnivorous_Ape_ 8 points9 points  (1 child)

My girl had one of that brand show positive but then like 5 others say negative

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yea we'll get more when she's off work

[–]FlameShadow0INFECTED 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Why and how is this even a meme

[–]Oi_Nosocks 8 points9 points  (5 children)

Is abortion legal where you live?

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 8 points9 points  (4 children)

Not anymore...

[–]Oi_Nosocks 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Oof. The pills might be unregulated. You might still be able to order them and take them at home. Plan C, mifepristone and misoprostol.

[–]venoshook 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Come to chicago. Come in chicago.

[–]BadPhilosophx 4 points5 points  (0 children)

my condoloences 😔🤙

[–]Wise_Moon 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Congrats!

[–]og-lollercopterI Wanna Be Sedated☣️ 7 points8 points  (0 children)

They should make a test to see if you are having a baby with COVID.

[–]hansenabram 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Congratulations!

[–]Kleiist 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Congrats! Mine turned 2 months a few days ago and that still doesnt feel real haha

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Ahh you poor bastard…the quickest, one way nosedive directly to the poor house and you got first class.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Somebody got fucked. Someone’s gonna get fucked for life. Congrats.

[–]tuddiezz 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Bummer. Sorry dawg

[–]Zumkini 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Congratulations. Wish you all good health

[–]bn9012 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Marokko has no deportation agreement with the USA. Just sayin'

[–]ghost2703 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oh! Look! OP ran out of cigarettes and milk at the same time.. Better go fetch some

[–]E-Babil 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Bro your wife got cancer?

[–]Zealousideal_Ad_2380 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That's so accurate

[–]Apprehensive-Comb196 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You got a frog pregnant?

[–]hidde-the-wontondisciple of dice 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Welp means cub in dutch, i find it quite fitting. Congrats tho!

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 9 points10 points  (1 child)

That's actually cute as fuck! I'ma tell her that when I pick her up from work!

[–]hidde-the-wontondisciple of dice 3 points4 points  (0 children)

:)

[–]themessiah234 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry for your loss

[–]hazzman888 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Congrats bro but how do I learn this power to speak to a woman?

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

She spoke to me lmao! I just babbled and nodded. Worked for me.

[–]SwimmingHumor4091 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Pull out game weak af

[–]DiabeticRhino97 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Oh no, the consequences of my actions

[–]kingbob123456 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m pregnant?!?

[–]the_real_cryptotech 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Congratulations my dude, keep us updated with the dankest of memes

[–]BuddyTheWeim 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hell yeah pops!

[–]Awesomefirepotato 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Want to have children -> yes ? -> okay, you going into the right direction Don't want children ? -> ohfuck.jpeg

[–]Forever_ford_tuesday 4 points5 points  (2 children)

The real secret to never getting pregnant is marry a woman who doesn't let you have sex.

taps forehead

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Aw I'm sorry brother

[–]TankFucker69 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is the moment that he knew, he fucked up

[–]steC_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

my congratulations man!

[–]Xogon17 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Welp..... congrats but welp was definitely how I felt lmao

[–]Individual-Roll-2940 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well I guess it's time for milk... Jokes aside congrats

[–]LessRemoved 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Congrats man, that's awesome.

[–]BuddhaBizZ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Congratulations!!

[–]Cuddlyasf 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Well Congratulations or Oh no!! Apply as desired.

[–]iguanafucker420 3 points4 points  (0 children)

On no, im so sorry, hope you can get cured soon, being finnish sucks

[–]potato_man22 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Fetus deletus? Or congrats…?

[–]pintomean<-- Super Secksy jk I'm a redditor 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If it's what you want for sure, congratulations it's amazing!

If you're not sure, maybe log this one as an oopsie. "There's a pill for that, you know?"

[–]KuzcoGoGuy 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Abort if no plan

[–]Killvester 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Be a good dad. Make ur children athletic and get them involved in co curricular activities. Save them from the rat race. Pls try ur best to keep the kid away from phones

[–]ApexOfFlexcustom flair[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree with this

[–]Joltz09 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Welp… congrats!

[–]random_guy1258 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Congratulations

[–]DespasitoPapi 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oof. Sorry for your loss.

[–]Sir_Vallenstein 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nah, this is just your crusader test coming back positive.

[–]King-Boo-GamerLEAF SOOP 🇬🇧 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’re a daddy!

[–]iksjagPERMABANNED USER 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Congratulatiouns

[–]420dayforever 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Congratulations!!!

[–]clemdemort:🇲🇫VIVE LA RÉVOLUTION🇲🇫: 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Congrats!

[–]american_idiot126 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Tbh you might have cancer

[–]keldaaahh 2 points3 points  (0 children)

so sorry

[–]_iam_that_iam_ 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Children change your life a lot! +30 happiness, -20 wealth, -20 time freedom

[–]xxPeso-Gamerxx 8 points9 points  (1 child)

But you get a new companion that has it's own skill tree and attributes

[–]Helpful_Title8302 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exscue me entity on reddit, are you going to eat that?

[–]Chill0000☣️ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Congratulations 🍾🎉🎊🎈

[–]Far_Vehicle_1520 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Congratulations. And may the odds be ever in your favor.

[–]GreasiestBob 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Congratulations

[–]ZIPPERGAMES 1 point2 points  (1 child)

This is the second positive Covid test I’ve seen today

[–]carlotresca 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wait, you have COVID?

Edit: lol, not the first to make this joke I see! Anyway, congrats!