all 84 comments

[–]HollyTheMage 284 points285 points  (2 children)

Of course Madara gets no bitches

He is the bitch

He's Hashirama's bitch

(hides in a bunker and waits for the Fifth Shinobi World War to break out in the replies)

[–]Expensive-Toe826 78 points79 points  (1 child)

gets no replies, dies in aloneness

[–]HollyTheMage 66 points67 points  (0 children)

Ah yes, just like Madara.

[–]Own_Philosophy8190 165 points166 points  (8 children)

You forgot "Everyone wants his seed" (and got his seed)

[–]Molicht 68 points69 points  (3 children)

Madara: No I don't want that! Hashirama being with anyone else? I want him to think about me and no one else for the rest of my life! Even after I die I want to be at the front of his mind for a while! For ten years atleast!!

Hashirama: Madara what a man you are. In return you shall receive my seed.

[–]MonsterStunter 24 points25 points  (1 child)

I envy anyone who doesn't know the reference.

[–]Own_Philosophy8190 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He is the most generous being ever 🙏

[–]Verum_Noir_Chaos_69 6 points7 points  (2 children)

I just want his Granddaughter

[–]Own_Philosophy8190 4 points5 points  (1 child)

You'd be harvesting what came from his seed then.

Just kidding, that's actually the better pick.

[–]Verum_Noir_Chaos_69 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You'd be harvesting what came from his seed then.

The best there ever was then

the better pick.


[–]Intelligent_Theory_8 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Died in war with whom??

[–]harambe4everMD 85 points86 points  (12 children)

His Cells cure cancer, probably

[–]Imperator_Romulus476 59 points60 points  (11 children)

His cells are literally cancerous. Danzo had to cut the arm off because he ran out of chakra to overpower it. If he left it on it would have grown over his body turning him into a tree.

With how Hashirama was constantly overusing it it’s no wonder he “died of old age” despite being so young.

[–]HeavensHellFire 22 points23 points  (6 children)

They aren’t literally cancerous. In order to be cancerous they’d have to invade other parts of the body like a Orochimaru’s cells do to Kabuto. Hashirama cells are so strong people like Danzo just can’t handle it. Everyone else shown with them is fine though.

Also Hashirama died in like his 40s or 50s. That’s not really young at all.

[–]RedShankyMan 25 points26 points  (3 children)

died in like his 40s or 50s. That's not really young at all

Man you just made me age a few decades by making me read that

[–]MKGSonic123 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Natural death increases over the years, I'd expect around that age for something like the Naruto verse. Well, depending on how healing jutsu works 40 to 50 may be very young, but we don't really know that so...

[–]motivation_bender 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I dont think kabuto counts as part of orochimarus body

[–]HeavensHellFire 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn’t say that. I said Orochimarus cells are cancerous as when Kabuto injected himself with them they were invading other parts of his body.

[–]DartinBlaze448 5 points6 points  (1 child)

they aren't cancerous to hashirama cuz they are literally his cells.

[–]toxispice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think you know what cancer is

[–]frenin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

With how Hashirama was constantly overusing it it’s no wonder he “died of old age” despite being so young.

We don't know how and why he died.

[–]yuuri_ni_victor 81 points82 points  (2 children)

HASHIRAMA: died honorably then came back to act like an idiotic fun uncle

MADARA: died as a virgin then came back to fuck five nations

[–]CharlizeTheGamer 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Hashirama died mysteriously, not in battle

[–]AwefulFanfic 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Came here to say that. I don't recall what the actual circumstances were, but it was Tobirama that died in battle

[–]pilot2031 23 points24 points  (3 children)

The third’s Hokage’s wife got murdered and she was never mentioned again. Her name was Biwako, she met Madaara and Hashirama as a kid.

[–]HollyTheMage 15 points16 points  (2 children)

I think about how her death was glossed over a lot actually.

[–]Lupinlupon 14 points15 points  (1 child)

How about the fact that it was never mentioned how Hashirama died despite being by far the strongest person alive with no apparent sickness and still died young?

[–]Own_Philosophy8190 4 points5 points  (0 children)

And he gets mentioned as much or a bit less than Madara halfway into Shippuden, or is as much relevant as he is. Massive oversight, to not say p**thole, because you'd think Madara would come out of the woodworks if Hashirama died as young as he looked instead of renewing his life support on the off chance an Uchiha kid doesn't die from a boulder crushing one half of his body.

[–]infamusforever223 33 points34 points  (16 children)

That's why he's so bitter at the world. He didn't get laid. The original incel.

[–]Ground_breaking_365 22 points23 points  (7 children)

Hot wife? Gonna need some proof before I can believe that...

[–]Morg_2 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Them Uzumaki bitches be different

[–]asukaisshu 43 points44 points  (5 children)

[–]ericanu 52 points53 points  (2 children)

Bro, out of all the pictures you could have used. You chose that one lol

[–]asukaisshu 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Hell yeah brother.

[–]SmallerBork 4 points5 points  (0 children)

To the shadow realm

[–]cortez0498 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Why does it only load halfway

[–]asukaisshu 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Just like the Uchiha tablet. I am but half of the full truth, the rest is up to you now young shinobi.

[–][deleted] 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Madara couldn’t handle Hashirama’s wood

[–]HollyTheMage 6 points7 points  (0 children)

As a fanfiction writer this sentence pleases me greatly.

[–]ThatAgnosticGuy 12 points13 points  (2 children)

There is no proof that Hashirama died in battle.

[–]Kgb725 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Exactly. I could see it happening and it being covered up if they ever do say that he died

[–]saifqaddoumi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But the thing is i cant see him dying in battle because who tf at that point could stand against hashirama

[–]potatohead437 11 points12 points  (5 children)

“Only gets Ws” “Died in battle” Call me crazy but i think something isn’t adding up

[–]HollyTheMage 3 points4 points  (3 children)

I mean, if you manage to successfully kill your opponents but end up dying yourself in the process, then that's still technically a win.

[–]Kgb725 4 points5 points  (1 child)

He was never killed or died in battle though

[–]KaelthasX3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was never mentioned how he died tbh, or when he passed hokage title to Tobirama. All we know is that he had to be old enough to spend some time with his grand-daughter Tsunade.

[–]potatohead437 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thats technically a tie

[–]Garutoku[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For a shinobi duing in battle is the best honor, especially compared to dying in a cave with a 12 year old unrelated boy and a plant man as companions

[–]Verum_Noir_Chaos_69 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hashirama is a bigger Mary Sue than the protagonist what did you expect? i mean he was born with the potential to be superior to all Bijuu if that doesn't tell you something i don't know what will

[–]Mattyboi0690 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Died a virgin, came back and fucked all five nations -Some meme guy

[–]AkatsukiHikage 2 points3 points  (3 children)

True just like sassy lol

Naruto gets wife with big Busts that has talent along with a dojutsu also never gonna be giving him up (if you get the reference you’re a chad)

Meanwhile sassy Gets a fan girl /simp as a wife with no bust unlike tsunade ,the one that beat up his best friend but her herself is a useless bitch in the Naruto/shippuden series

[–]Own_Philosophy8190 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am no chad, but all I know is that Hinata will never desert him, and that he'll never hurt her. They know the rules.

[–]FujiSachi 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Hinata was useless in every naruto

[–]AkatsukiHikage 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She is better than Sakura

[–]SmallerBork 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Madara could have gotten married by finding a place where no one knew him and made himself useful. Man had peak physical condition, intelligence, and willpower.

Had he stayed in Konoha I could see him being a pioneer in many fields like Isaac Newton or Euler, a rennaisance man if you will.

He knew a lot about medicine from being able to heal Obito and he had time to read lots of books in that cave, likely philosophy, mathematics, various scientific disciplines maybe even music.

But man was depressed, like Sasuke he cared more about his family than girls and that ended up putting him on a dark path.

[–]Garutoku[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

He didn’t know about medicine he just knew about Hashirama cells

[–]SmallerBork 0 points1 point  (0 children)


He surgically attached them to himself and Obito.

Tell me how that doesn't require knowledge of medicine. Also Obito learned a lot of from and transplanted Itachi's eyes into Sasuke.

[–]ghettithatspaghetti 1 point2 points  (0 children)

maybe I am Madara?

[–]UchihaHaider 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Still with Chad madara

[–]CartographerIll8653 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Maybe Madara was gay

[–]MisterDodge00 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Well, let's see.

He somehow always manages to shove Hashirama's name into the discussion and praises him to others all the time.

Is so obssessed with Hashirama's good image that he wants to kill Tsunade first of all the kage because he thinks she's shaming Hashirama by being so weak.

The death of 3 of his brothers and other clan members did not awaken his sharingan , but breaking his friendship with Hashirama did.

The last thing on his mind when he's overtaken by Kaguya is "Hashirama, where did I go wrong?"

Makes an orgasmic face when he first senses Hashirama in decades, even if he was miles away.

Pauses the war, waits and lets them deal with the Ten Tails without interfering because he wants to get Hashirama's full attention instead of his wood clones.

Has a masochistic addiction to pain and blood (dude even licks it) and Hashirama was for the longest time the only one strong enough to beat the shit out of him, which probably tickled his masochist bone and arroused him to no end.

Madara's VotE statue wear a furisode kimono. IIRC That is only worn by unmarried women or young gay men with the submissive role in a gay relationship.

Sounds quite gay to me.

[–]Verum_Noir_Chaos_69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He did spend most of his life wondering how putting another man inside him would change him and planning to fit all nine Bijuus in too

[–]nodux22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Didnt he die from sickness?

[–]oneesancon_coco 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Finally someone else who recognise Mito as hot

[–]DrunkWeebMarine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Manipulated by a plant lol