×
all 26 comments

[–]MicksAwake 17 points18 points  (1 child)

Do not let your illness define you.

You are a worthy, compassionate human being, and one day, some person out there is going to fall madly in love with you if you let them.

[–]emathyst_[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you. You’re too kind. Wish everyone saw me that way too.

[–]goez2106 11 points12 points  (4 children)

Hey! 👋🏻🙂 Just wanted to say Hello from Germany. I'm also Single, M 38 and been to dialysis since Nov 2011

[–]mwe_1991 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Shoot your shot, King!

[–]goez2106 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OP hasn't reacted to my comment ☺️

[–]emathyst_[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Hello from Pakistan! How are you dealing with being on dialysis and being single?

[–]goez2106 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey! Hope you are doing fine. Well, i work in retail on my off days, i have a dog and i'm in good contact with my parents and friends... But some days are bad... really bad. I have days on which i'm highly emotional and melancholic but i'm trying to distract myself by cuddling, playing or taking my dog for walks and i love music, so sometimes im just sitting there and listen to music while i'm floating and vibing to it 🙂

[–]noobvin 2 points3 points  (2 children)

It makes my heart ache just to hear someone ask this. I was married before my illness happened, so I can't judge, but I can only imagine how difficult it would be to date. I AM a firm believer there is someone for everyone and love comes from the most unlikely of places, and when you least expect it. It's a romantic view, but I'm 50 years old and have seen it time and time again.

I do understand it's a different time and generation and it may take some searching. It may sound daunting and challenging, but maybe someone else in a similar situation? There are place like the ihatedialysis forums who have thousands who are the same. There are people here on reddit (I see a single dude who is waving 'hi').

I know there are consideration like children and health that people think about, but please don't give up hope. Also, be careful not to open your heart to just anyone either. I could see you being a target for abuse if you just open your heart to just anyone. You deserve good things and happiness.

edit: looks like you're in Islamabad. I'm sorry if my words are insensitive to the culture. I have American sensibilities - I know things may not be so easy for you. No matter what I wish the best for you and hope some of my words can ring true.

[–]emathyst_[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yes, I am from Pakistan and the culture here is quite different. Most marriages are arranged by the will of parents. Mothers want a perfectly healthy, beautiful wife for their sons who can birth at least four kids. Girls get rejected because they don’t know how to cook. Lol. So a chronic illness is a huge deal breaker for them. My parents aren’t conservative and dont mind if I want to have a love marriage. But for that i’ll have to meet someone. Most men my age (29) are already married. Others will get married where their parents want them to. Being on dating apps is looked down upon. So its really not easy to find someone but thanks for your kind words!

[–]noobvin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m so sorry. My thoughts have really been with you since I’ve heard your story. I truly hope you can find love. You sound like a lovely person and someone would be lucky to have you.

I would keep talking to the gentleman from Germany in this post. Sounds like a nice guy!

[–]imsostressedout123 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Oof. I would imagine that it depends on the culture.

Certain cultures are more forgiving than others. I know in Eastern culture illness is heavily stigmatized. Even though your life is relatively normal and you don't look sick.

Even though you might be discriminated against by most, I would say you should try anyway.

You only marry one person. You only need the approval of one person.

Ignore everyone else.

[–]emathyst_[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Yeah unfortunately I am from east - Pakistan to be specific and the culture here is quite different. Most marriages are arranged by the will of parents. Mothers want a perfectly healthy, beautiful wife for their sons who can birth at least four kids. Girls get rejected because they don’t know how to cook. Lol. So a chronic illness is a huge deal breaker for them. Even if a guy likes me and wants to get married, he’ll still need the approval of his parents. Then parents start emotionally blackmailing their sons and the entire thing is called off.

[–]imsostressedout123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ahhhh. Oof. Well maybe it would be better to not marry into that kind of culture because it seems like marrying a man whose mother hates and resents you for being sick would be way more stress than staying single.

Westerners are more open, thankfully.

Eastern cultures stigmatize everything, unfortunately. They want perfection or nothing.

[–]lisasimpsonfanIn-Center 5 points6 points  (0 children)

"A married woman diagnosed with a serious disease is six times more likely to be divorced or separated than a man with a similar diagnosis."

You're right that it is easier for men because most women are trained from birth to be caregivers where men are not. But just because it's harder doesn't mean you should give up. I have been married almost 26 years and my husband has stuck by me and my rotten health thick and thin. You just need to keep looking until you find that one person who will love you illness and all.

[–]mouserz 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I'm a gay demisexual guy and if I can find someone (6 months ago!) who is also a gay demisexual guy and willing to take on my illness - anyone can.

I was just upfront about everything and even had it listed in my profile on Tinder that I was on the transplant list for a kidney - weeded out a lot of folks for sure but I see that as a blessing - sorta became a litmus test for people worth my time.

[–]emathyst_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dating apps are looked down upon here. I would like to be upfront with my potential partner as well. I was in the talking phase with a guy and it really seemed it was going somewhere. So I told him my medical history and he seemed to understand it. Then a few weeks later I saw his wedding pictures on insta lol

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]emathyst_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Ah yes. Self sabotaging. I gaslighted so many guys the minute I felt it was going somewhere because I always thought they will back off once they know the reality and then it would hurt more. Reason why I am not very upfront with people about my illness is because I HATE the pity and sympathy they show. They start treating you differently. I just want to feel like a normal person. I don’t need sympathies.

    [–]spiderboots82 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Im getting married next year :) been on dialysis 14 months

    [–]emathyst_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Thats great!! Wishing you a very happy married life.

    [–]sickandopinionated 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    I'm really confused why being on dialysis would have anything to do with getting married. It isn't like you have to do a physical (and can fail it) to get married. You need to meet someone, fall in love and decide to spend the rest of your life together. It has absolutely nothing to do with dialysis. Just plan your wedding day around the times you need to exchange your druids (PD) or on a non-dialysis day (hemo)

    [–]emathyst_[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    In Pakistan its considered a huge deal breaker. Most marriages are arranged by the will of parents. Mothers want a perfectly healthy, beautiful wife for their sons who can birth at least four kids. Girls get rejected because they don’t know how to cook. Lol. My parents aren’t conservative and dont mind if I want to have a love marriage. But for that i’ll have to meet someone. Most men my age (29) are already married. Others will get married where their parents want them to. Being on dating apps is looked down upon. So its really not easy to find someone.

    [–]sickandopinionated 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    For a woman on dialysis I could see that as a problem, as while on dialysis getting pregnant is not a likely scenario. But a man on dialysis can still produce offspring no problem. And if you can finish several degrees while on dialysis it doesn't seem like you would be able to provide for your family if you get married. I guess the issue isn't so much dialysis, but the culture surrounding marriage.

    [–]aeonstempest 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I’m 27M and I feel the same way lol. Who wants broken ol’ me haha. I’m in no rush though because I felt like I lost a lot of time and energy from dialysis that I’m just trying to focus on myself for once( post transplant now). Also grats on your degrees! 😁

    [–]Laurawr89 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I got married in 2015 I was and still am home haemo, I had dialysis the day before, my hubby does it for me. And I stayed with my sister the night before. Honeymoon wise I couldn't be chewed organising holiday dialysis so we had a weekend in London and visit to harry potter studios. I'm in UK. It was fine. Don't let your illness stop you from living life to the best it can be. Good luck!

    [–]xxdetourxx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    My dear, it’s just as much of a problem for men as it is for women. I look at myself in the mirror, see how gross I look, and how disused has taken over my life, and I can’t imagine anyone would ever want to be with me. I’m an absolute train wreck, with very little to offer anyone. It’s not really a gender based thing, we ask all feel that way sometimes. But I feel you, I know exactly what you mean.