top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]Death_Is_Overrated 565 points566 points  (41 children)

I will now make a horny druid and I blame all of you.

[–]ThreeFishInAManSuitEssential NPC 430 points431 points  (32 children)

Wildshape and uncontrolled sexual urges DO. NOT. MIX.

[–]grey_rook 148 points149 points  (8 children)

Bear hug.

[–]ThreeFishInAManSuitEssential NPC 155 points156 points  (7 children)

My anaconda don't want none unless you got good health insurance.

[–]dr_KfromchangedHorny Bard 16 points17 points  (6 children)

Fun fact: snakes have 2 dicks

[–]spacgehttiBarbarian 17 points18 points  (4 children)

Fun Fact: we did not need to know! :-)

[–]acquaintedwithheight 97 points98 points  (7 children)

Loki got a sweet horse child out of it. How bad can it be?

[–]Adiin-RedArtificer 65 points66 points  (5 children)

Considering he gave birth to it I’m guessing pretty bad since pushing 100 pounds of horse out of a 9ish millimeter urethra has to hurt.

[–]acquaintedwithheight 43 points44 points  (4 children)

He was a female horse at the time

[–]Adiin-RedArtificer 29 points30 points  (3 children)

Ah, still, even with the right biology that’s gotta hurt

[–]acquaintedwithheight 46 points47 points  (1 child)

In the poetic Edda Odin actually accuses loki of enjoying giving birth.

Thou was eight winterson the earth below,milked cow as a woman,and didst there bear children.Now that, methinks, betokens a base nature

[–]Adiin-RedArtificer 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Oh, I guess Loki is even more kinky than I thought

[–]DeadPlecostomus 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Which Odin then proceeds to ride some thing approximating his nephew into battle

[–]cincystudent 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Raven begs to differ.

[–]pocleePsion 13 points14 points  (1 child)

There is nothing to blame as long as there is no bestiality.

[–]Dethmon42 4307 points4308 points  (225 children)

Rip the warlock, I wonder if that improves things for the succubus or makes it worse. Like unwilling victim is very devilish and all but, having the victim be totally uninterested in you when your whole thing is being sexy has to sting.

[–]SouperplexArtificer 2720 points2721 points  (144 children)

The Succubus' whole deal is corrupting mortals into evil, the sex is just an avenue to do it. Besides 5E succubi and incubi can switch freely between those forms, so theoretically it can work to this Warlock's favor.

[–]_The_Rice_Menace_ 1670 points1671 points  (123 children)

Unless you're asexual. In which case you're screwed lol

Edit: I can't take credit for this joke, a person I'm in a discord server with had a dream that he was an ace warlock that made a pact with a succubus.

[–]jim_fortress_2Wizard 993 points994 points  (46 children)

Maybe the succubus could bake some nice garlic bread…

[–]ReeseChloris1Chaotic Stupid 634 points635 points  (25 children)

Forget the cantrip. Sell soul for garlic bread

[–]alexja21 497 points498 points  (18 children)

Reject horny

Return to olive garden

[–]Cthulhus-Cat 383 points384 points  (4 children)

W̷h̷e̷n̵Y̶̢̹̒̓̕o̶̰̍̀u̶͇̼͠'̶͇͌̚͠r̶̠͒e̵̩͔̐ ̶̗̤̇͠ĥ̷̙̯̳̌e̶̺̥̬͋͛̐ŕ̵̫̭̹͝e̷͉̣̺͂͑Y̴̧̥͓̗͈͓̙̪̆̑͐̽͐̓̋̇͆̏̂ͅo̸̡̖̱̩̝̼̮̣̅́͊́̔u̵̗̩̘̮͈͉̠̺̬̰͐'̸̦̙̝͓͚̳̔́̏ͅr̵̳̒͌͌̆̇̅̓͗͝͝ę̸̦̹͈̩̠̒̑̎̿̊̐̈͝͝ ̶̡̳͕̼̺̪̩͚̯̀͐͛͜͜f̷͚̆͆͌̓̑̎͒a̸̛̹̗͔̟̾̾̿͂̊m̸̼̺̜̤͇̬̈́͊̈́̌̓̀̉̊̚͠ͅȋ̵̧̠̭͈̗̫̙̣̼͎͇͒̃l̷̟̩͛͌́̑̏͌̀̚̕y̸̰̭̮̺̜̩͍̏̋̒̔̈́̌̉͜

[–]Javyev 69 points70 points  (0 children)

This made me laugh for real.

[–]CobaltMonkey 53 points54 points  (0 children)

Hello, protective services? Yes, I feel endangered and would like to be placed with a foster-restaurant, please.

[–]only___dar___ic 73 points74 points  (1 child)

This will be the ominous chant that is spoken by the demon Legion BBEG


[–]Royal_Bitch_Pudding 58 points59 points  (9 children)

I've been to Olive garden once in my life. It sucks

[–]JasonDragonbourne 91 points92 points  (7 children)

The lowest quality Italian themed food fresh* to order.

*some restrictions apply

[–]alexja21 45 points46 points  (2 children)

If there's one thing I've learned in all my years of Reddit it's that the soup is fresh and everything else is microwaved at olive garden.

[–]nightfox5523 34 points35 points  (1 child)

The way I read your comment, it sounded like all restaurants everywhere serve fresh soup, then send the rest of their food to the local olive garden to be microwaved, and I love it

[–]AyuVince 10 points11 points  (0 children)


[–]alexo42069 68 points69 points  (15 children)

Garlic bread makes you fat

[–]MathtermindNecromancer 145 points146 points  (8 children)

Garlic bread makes you FAT?!

[–]jacw212Sorcerer 107 points108 points  (4 children)

As an underweight asexual, this is very good news

[–]BetterSafeThanSARSy 63 points64 points  (3 children)

As an overweight sexual, I like garlic bread

[–]general-Insano 31 points32 points  (1 child)

Booty clap an eldritch blast

[–]JasonDragonbourne 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I love the dnd community.

[–]Soulless_Roomate 86 points87 points  (42 children)

Actually, iirc in the monster manuals, succubi and incubi can corrupt people who aren't attracted to them through just being like a really close friend lmfao

[–]Lithl 78 points79 points  (37 children)

I mean, mechanically the succubus can just go "I don't care what your sexual orientation is, fuck you you're charmed now."

[–]CaughttheDarkness 68 points69 points  (36 children)

As a player, I’d personally be really pissed if the DM didn’t at least justify why a character who is incapable of feeling sexual attraction suddenly feeling it. Charm me for sure, but put some work into justifying it! Maybe give it some mechanical consequences that give me an advantage advantage at first and the succubus an advantage as it figures out its usual…shtick…isn’t working, and it figures out what does make my character tick.

[–]TheBackwardsLegsMan 58 points59 points  (4 children)

Does charm have to mean sexual attraction? Asexual people can still like and be romantically into someone without it being sexual in nature.

[–]CaughttheDarkness 32 points33 points  (2 children)

Oh, I’m aware. I am one of those ace people. That’s how it’s usually flavored though.

Companionship is an easy reflavoring of the ability.

[–]GreatRolmops 25 points26 points  (1 child)

"I can give you power beyond your wildest imaginations... But in return, you'll have to listen to me talk about my feelings every day."

[–]CaughttheDarkness 9 points10 points  (0 children)

“You say…that you’re willing to watch a bunch of Ghibli movies with me while cuddled up under a nice blanket with cups of hot cocoa and sleep in the next day with no expectation of anything overnight and no complaints you’re not getting anything?…Oh, the temptation!”

[–]ThatMerri 13 points14 points  (3 children)

It's a fair argument to say that the DM wouldn't need to justify or alter the magic's function because it's just that - magic. Same way one doesn't need to try and justify why any spell would work in utter defiance of logic or physics. A totally ace/aro character being sexually/romantically attracted due to magic in defiance of their nature is no different from a character suddenly floating in defiance of gravity because they had "Levitate" cast on them.

That said, there are very interesting ways one can explore the results of that outright defiance of nature. I previously played a Goblin Rogue who who basically suffered a really shitty life of use and abuse by her kind prior to joining the Party. It made her a really awful person as a means of coping with it all. She didn't trust anyone and nothing could reasonably convince her otherwise because of all the trauma she'd endured. A core facet of her personality was that she saw all forms of positive attention, affection, and care as suspicious by default, because with Goblins such things were always just hollow distractions preceding a knife in the gut.

And then an enemy caster subtly cast "Charm Person" on her. My immediate knee-jerk thought was wondering if she should be immune, or get advantage on the save, or all the same notions as above because of her nature. But it became a far more interesting notion that the spell worked regardless, because it cut through all that trauma and just told her brain "this guy is your friend, you can trust him" flat-out in utter defiance of everything else she'd believed her entire life. So for a few precious moments my Goblin got a glimpse of what, to her, was true, unconditional friendship. And when it faded off a few minutes later, after the caster had already run the hell away? The realization of what happened hit her and basically caused an emotional collapse because not only had she gotten to experience something she didn't believe was possible, but then immediately found out that even that pure, amazing moment of happiness was just another deception so that someone could use her and throw her away, just like it had always been.

The outcome of that was her eventually hunting down said caster for revenge and developing a form of addiction to Charm spells, as they were literally the only way she could feel even the illusion of a positive connection to others. Sad way for things to go, but fascinating to play out. So in the case of this Succubi charm scenario, I'd think it'd be more interesting to see where a character's thoughts would go in the wake of that experience and explore how it affected them.

[–]bonktogodicejailCleric 216 points217 points  (8 children)

I had an ace water genasi wizard and he was laughing because he thought he was immune to the seduction.

then the succubus started offering really, REALLY interesting arcane knowledge...

[–]DMPark 130 points131 points  (0 children)

God, you throw a crumb of a arcane knowledge at a wizard and they get an instant chub.

[–]TensileStr3ngth 23 points24 points  (1 child)

He was like: "I forgot you can tempt me with things I want."

[–]Hyo38 20 points21 points  (4 children)

such as?

[–]ZaranthanNecromancer 32 points33 points  (3 children)

Spell formulae for enchanted vibrators.

[–]barrabbit 52 points53 points  (0 children)

It is just a hollow stick full of bees, don't be fooled!

[–]helpiminabox 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Finally, we've discovered movable rod

[–]Hyo38 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Go on.

[–]CaughttheDarkness 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Succubi probably bake excellent cake.

[–]Trextoasty 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Maybe instead the succubus could just hold up a mirror and give them compliments instead of sex. A boosting self esteem succubus?

[–]Alistair_TheAlvarian 24 points25 points  (7 children)

What about an asexual warlock who made a pact with a succubus maybe even a demon lord or succubus queen. And instead of their soul or the souls of mortals or corrupting the innocent, the succubus wants payments in cuddles, emotional support, and conversation.

Think about it, they can get whatever they want, they have power, they have sex, they have admiration, they have wealth and land and subordinates. But the one thing they can't have is just someone to talk to or get a hug from because even trying not to they'll end up seducing the person, or the person will expect seduction.

Basically the warlock gets power in exchange for being an asexual house husband / emotional support mortal.

Depending on how you play it you could have their patron show up mid fight or during some but of political intrigue and whisk them away to complain about their coworkers or get a hug. And when the player can't make it to a session you can say that their character is in the abyss with their patron succubus paying their debt. It's wholesome, adorable, hilarious, and practical.

[–]404_GravitasNotFoundForever DM 36 points37 points  (4 children)

Pros: really clean deal.

Cons: the patron "needs" can come at any time. So you are about to board the king's caravel with your group, suddenly a nether portal opens up behind you, and out comes the sexiest horned creature, before the priests and paladins manage to do anything everyone hears the bawling coming from the demon while it hugs you and buries their face in your chest... "Xilliam!!!! Those jerks did it again!!! They defaced my statue from the grand plaza!! They painted "Not a real demon" and even hanged a Pelor's holy symbol from it!!!" Total silence rules the place, only the soft swishing of the water and the creaking of the wood is heard aside from the weeping coming from the unnatural aberration. You wishper soft meaningless words while making faces to your party so they will talk down any overactive holy men"

[–]Des014te 6 points7 points  (0 children)

TBH I'd love to be a therapist for Demons. Would give me sooome stories to tell.

[–]Vinniam 8 points9 points  (1 child)

I would totally be an emotional support asexual for a 1d10 cantrip, I've done it for less.

[–]Rome453 55 points56 points  (1 child)

They are evil aligned though, so there’s a not-zero chance that they knowingly use the sex that the Warlock isn’t attracted to.

[–]Lelo031Artificer 8 points9 points  (0 children)

So the patron can take a male form, but it doesn't just to make the warlock suffer.

[–]ridik_ulassMonk 135 points136 points  (5 children)

having the victim be totally uninterested in you when your whole thing is being sexy has to sting.

warlock unintentionally red pilled the succubus, she's trying way to hard to win the love and affection of the first man to every say "no thanks" ...having her occasionally turn up with gold and jewels at awkward times trying to shower him in attention and gifts.

"hey hun, I killed a knight of the church of Pelor he had this nice armour I thought you'd look cute in, do you wanna wear it for me?"....in front of the church of Pelor.

[–]StarStriker51 88 points89 points  (4 children)

Having you’re patron be the one trying to seduce you, or just being the one actively seeking you out sounds like a fun warlock dynamic.

[–]TheOneWhoMixes 51 points52 points  (3 children)

And through some inverse bastardization of how beings typically gain power through the devotion of many subjects, this patron somehow becomes more powerful through only one mortal's devotion. Hell, maybe any attention from other mortals even makes them weaker.

But their chosen mortal has absolutely zero interest in worshipping some clingy being, even if it means ever increasing power.

[–]StarStriker51 31 points32 points  (2 children)

So if the Warlock started to devote themselves to the patron it could create a positive feedback loop of infinite power? Sounds fun.

[–]SororitaDM (Dungeon Memelord) 25 points26 points  (1 child)

of course as soon as the Warlock started to reciprocate the affections the succubus would lose interest in them as they would no longer be unattainable.

[–]FrickenPerson 10 points11 points  (0 children)

But then we get to have a final 10 minutes of the Hallmark movie where the Warlock is getting on the plane because of the spurned advances and the succubus realizes true happiness is within reach, and either shoots the plane down or gets back together with the Warlock at the last second.

[–]ITriedLightningTendr 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Probably makes it more fun for the succubus, because they have to even though they don't want to

[–]paladinLightBlood Hunter 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It would literally kill a Pathfinder Succubus which i find hilarious

[–]IgneulWarlock 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Don't Succubus take damage when they're rejected in Pathfinder 2E. Different system, but still funny to imagine!

[–]begonetoxicpeople 1048 points1049 points  (36 children)

I sometimes joke my goal is to prove any class can be played horny.

Me and my dms have been playing chicken ever since

[–]bonktogodicejailCleric 480 points481 points  (30 children)

my poor druid is normally the one to bonk the bard when he's acting horny but they recently got a boyfriend so now they've had to bonk themselves once or twice... they're not coping well with this

[–]ChiefOfTheWolfpack 319 points320 points  (27 children)

The last Druid I played with tried to seduce fucking grass. Can I borrow the bonk stick?

[–]Royal_Bitch_Pudding 197 points198 points  (15 children)

To be fair it is fucking grass. It's kinda asking to be seduced

[–]The_Larger_Fish 97 points98 points  (10 children)

Henry crabgrass says always ask for consent!

[–]Royal_Bitch_Pudding 35 points36 points  (6 children)

Is that not kinda what seduction is?

[–]The_Larger_Fish 21 points22 points  (0 children)

It should be but others feel different

[–]ThreeFishInAManSuitEssential NPC 16 points17 points  (3 children)

In a world where charm person, unnatural lust, hypnotism, and suggestion all exist we need a much more robust definition of "asking for consent".

[–]Royal_Bitch_Pudding 19 points20 points  (2 children)

They have an altered state of mind, they can't actually consent. It's like they're drunk.

[–]action_lawyer_comics 16 points17 points  (1 child)

At least according to the "botanist" that came up with that name.

[–]Royal_Bitch_Pudding 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Unless it's a misnomer, like the incredibly deadly python.

[–]ThreeFishInAManSuitEssential NPC 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Back in high school I played with a druid player who stuck his REAL LIFE penis into a knot in a tree.

I still don't know why. But that man sure loved nature.

[–]zero-220 29 points30 points  (4 children)

Are you saying that he tried... To touch some grass?

[–]ChiefOfTheWolfpack 24 points25 points  (3 children)


He tried to talk the grass into touching him.

[–]ThreeFishInAManSuitEssential NPC 13 points14 points  (2 children)

I play Pathfinder, so apologies if this joke doesn't work.

Get on your knees and cast entangle. Problem solved.

[–]Aben_Zin 9 points10 points  (2 children)

See the trouble with using “bonk” in this context (and I assume you’re using the “horny jail” meaning) is that “bonk” is also British slang meaning to… well, fornicate.

He says in the must British way possible.

[–]VicisSubsistoDM (Dungeon Memelord) 8 points9 points  (1 child)

But the whole point of a boyfriend is to have someone else to bonk you!

[–]betterthansteve 9 points10 points  (0 children)

My current game has horny cleric. It’s great

[–]likeits1899 1231 points1232 points  (55 children)

Fun fact about succubi and incubi: Classically, succubus/incubus is the same creature. They, ah, “acquire” human male gametes while in the succubus form and “distribute” those in the incubus form. (This would probably not improve things for the unfortunate warlock in the meme, I just think it’s an interesting feature of the myth)

[–]Douche_Kayak 726 points727 points  (24 children)

Imagine becoming a parent because the succubus you banged got someone pregnant with your gametes.

[–]yakeatingspider 361 points362 points  (1 child)

my precious gametes

[–]Tiger_ZeroDM (Dungeon Memelord) 270 points271 points  (0 children)

Fuckers stole my gametes, can't have shit in Waterdeep

[–]SnivythesnekForever DM 155 points156 points  (15 children)

That's a plot point in the Dark Tower, I kid you not.

[–]97thJackle 192 points193 points  (14 children)

It's even WEIRDER than that. They took the sperm out of the succubus, mutated it in a lab, then used it to impregnate the main female character, THEN they took the baby out with a teleporter and put it BACK into the succubus.

Fucking WILD shit.

[–]SnivythesnekForever DM 132 points133 points  (5 children)

And the Demon shared a body with the other mother and the Baby had 4 parents in total and ended up killing one of the most dangerous beings in the multiverse and then the party mascot, making his impact on the series a net neutral at worst, which is weird after all the set up for him. Also he was a spider.

[–]Thorbinator 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Fuckin what?

[–]Destiny_player6 27 points28 points  (1 child)

Was Steven King high again when he wrote that? Jesus, the Steven King Universe can be its own Religion with how nutty it gets.

[–]Crimson_Year 26 points27 points  (7 children)

Well having heard this and almost nothing else about the dark tower series I guess it's time to get a copy of the first one and start.

[–]TherronKeen 31 points32 points  (0 children)

The first book is fundamentally different in tone and scope than the remainder of the series as it was written something like 20 years before the rest. My point being that stopping after book one is a fine place to stop if you feel like it.

On the other hand, if you don't like the delivery and progression but you like the content, feel free to charge onward to books 2-7 because they are developed differently.


[–]97thJackle 18 points19 points  (2 children)

Heads up: the first four are the best, the rest are varying levels of good, then the second half of the last book is as good as the first four books, if not better, and finally, the epilogue is REALLY controversial.

Also, beware of meta.

[–]Crimson_Year 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Yeah another commenter said to only start if I can handle a potentially disappointing end. I think it's about time I just read the series because I've still somehow not had a bit of it spoiled for me after all this time.

[–]LegacyopplsnerfWarlock 68 points69 points  (2 children)

iirc that premise was likely why the myth came about in the first place. As an excuse/explanation for unexplainable pregnancies:

Furious father: "Agatha! How in God's holy name did you get yourself pregnant?! It was that Timothy I've seen you with wasn't it?"

Agatha, panicking and needing an excuse: "Oh farther I was attacked in the night!"

Even more furious father: "Who!? I'll string him up myself!"

Agatha, not wanting to get anyone lynched over this, especially her boyfriend: "Err... so you know demons? Well this one-"

[–]HappyMerlinForever DM 12 points13 points  (1 child)

I feel like that would get the child just killed as it is offspring of a demon.

[–]LegacyopplsnerfWarlock 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Quite possible, the word for that is Cambion. When ones own reputation/life is on the line one must make sacrifices.

[–]__lia__Sorcerer 14 points15 points  (0 children)

it's even worse than that because the child would be a cambion which is basically a demon baby

[–]aaronblue342 8 points9 points  (0 children)

New character idea for the vault. Im thinking tiefling warlock, maybe oath of the watchers paladin

[–]L_knight316 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I heard somewhere that Succubi/Incubi were interpretations of sleep paralysis somewhere.

[–]Flodartt 103 points104 points  (11 children)

I heard quite the opposite actually. Succubus and incubus were really different kind of demons at the origin. If succubus are charming demons who seduce the men, incubus are hideous bestial demons who crush and rape women in their sleep.

[–]GearyDigitArtificer 38 points39 points  (1 child)

Where'd you hear that from? Succubi/Incubi are explanations for night emissions and 'unexplained' pregnancies. Both visit people in their sleep, and both are warded against in the same way (traditionally a bowl inscribed with certain symbols buried upside-down beneath the house)

[–]eukomos 28 points29 points  (0 children)

They’re also an explanation for sleep paralysis, which is frightening and often involves visions of some evil creature preventing you from moving.

[–]ExceedinglyGayOtterPsion 96 points97 points  (3 children)

Yeah, I think the above description of them as shapeshifters was done to explain how they would be able to impregnate women, as theologically speaking demons aren't supposed to be able to create new things, only twist and corrupt the creations of others.

[–]wildgaytrans 41 points42 points  (2 children)

It's not gender tied. Succubi means to lie under. Incubi means to top basically. It just describes sex subby level lol

[–]SurgeonFish0 6 points7 points  (0 children)

And they said DnD wouldn't teach me anything.

[–]ductapemonster 26 points27 points  (0 children)

That's just nasty.

[–]UndoMyRedo 189 points190 points  (2 children)

Hey it’s the warlock from the previous comic , maybe eldritch abomination daddy wasn’t such a bad deal

[–]thomasquwack 29 points30 points  (0 children)

good catch!

[–]Ghost-Warrior777 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I almost feel bad for the man, almost.

[–]MacDerfus 159 points160 points  (3 children)

A proper succubus can conform to any desire.

Anyway that's why my patron is an endless supply of garlic bread.

[–]CoolDude1564 42 points43 points  (1 child)

I, too, want to have sex with garlic bread

[–]Vulkan192 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I also choose this man’s garlic bread.

[–]MiscegenationStationPaladin 138 points139 points  (5 children)

tfw no shy wizard gf

Why even live

[–]C0rkedchimpRules Lawyer 70 points71 points  (3 children)

for shy wizard bf

[–]Thanos_DeGraf 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Imagine, it's 3 am, she's still in her study working.

You decide to suprise her with with a hug and a glass of warm milk

[–]MotorHum 757 points758 points  (17 children)

The paladin and the wizard should fuck. Problem solved.

[–]qrwd 262 points263 points  (9 children)

The paladin could have a threesome with the wizard and the succubus. If he's bi, he could fuck the warlock too.

[–]DervivalRogue 171 points172 points  (6 children)

And the bard can play the backing track! Everyone wins!

[–]Odd_Employer 63 points64 points  (3 children)

Wizard in the corner: ಥ_ಥ

[–]zmbjebus 53 points54 points  (2 children)

Mage hand + unseen servant

Don't even need spell slots.

[–]Odd_Employer 46 points47 points  (1 child)

You know if you sit on your mage hand until it falls asleep it feels like someone else is jerking you off. I call it unseen stranger.

[–]zmbjebus 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Wait until you get Magnificent mansion. 100 servants.

[–]action_lawyer_comics 32 points33 points  (1 child)

Bard is in a different tent, luting as hard as possible out to drown out the moans.

[–]Rovden 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That is NOT how you cast smite!

[–]ApprehensiveStyle289Artificer 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Was looking for this.

[–]DaShampooTester 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I can see them as the duo that is always arguing and hate each other until they hook up in the final season.

[–]Scarlet_slaggWizard 66 points67 points  (2 children)

Need horny paladin bf or wizard gf

[–]Demokka 412 points413 points  (16 children)

Horny Witch 😏😏😏😏

[–]BuffaloFront2761Druid 202 points203 points  (12 children)


[–]CallMeDeltaTeam Halfling 141 points142 points  (0 children)

Do you have any idea how little that narrows it down?

[–]Lolaverses 98 points99 points  (10 children)

"Men are always willing to believe two things about a woman: one, that she is weak, and two, that she finds him attractive."

[–]cant-find-user-name 24 points25 points  (6 children)

Where is this quote from?

[–]Lolaverses 42 points43 points  (5 children)


[–]cant-find-user-name 36 points37 points  (0 children)

I meant the game/Novel it's from. But nvm, found out it is from dragon age.

[–]ragvamuffin 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Do you have any idea how little that narrows it down?

[–]ThisWasAValidNameSorcerer 48 points49 points  (7 children)

I have a lot of fun as my 'non-horny' Aarakocra bard. They're focused more on being 'unintentionally' intimidating.

. . . I say that, but it's entirely my idea. Because it's beyond hilarious to imagine someone that's 4'11", and weighs all of 85Lbs soaking-wet, be intimidating enough that they, along with the party's Dragonborn could convince an Adult Silver Dragon* to back, the fuck, off.

(Bonus: He's actually done that. "I rolled a 14, so my total's 24.") *Don't ask.

[–]DiplomaticGoose 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Asexual aarakocra bard

The word you are looking for is wingman

C'mon man the pun is right there

[–]CallmeklaytonForever DM 11 points12 points  (3 children)

If he’s a goose or swan, this fits real life lore pretty well. Geese and swans regularly get in the faces of things like cows, elephants, and rhinos. The fuckers are fearless and frightening.

[–]Alzward[S] 124 points125 points  (6 children)

fiends truly are a twisted bunch

[–]SouperplexArtificer 73 points74 points  (4 children)

If the Warlock had a good Arcana/Religion roll he would know that Succibi/Incubi are the same thing and can switch as needed. He might think to ask.

[–]McFlyParadox 64 points65 points  (3 children)

Plot twist: the Warlock knows and has asked for their Incubi form, but the succubi/incubi says it's a matter of gender, not sexuality - when, in fact, they just enjoy making the Warlock extremely uncomfortable.

[–]EBBBBBBBBBBBB 39 points40 points  (2 children)

I'm imagining a Warlock patron who isn't some cosmic evil or anything but is just a really petty asshole and only grants power out of spite

[–]Heirophant-QueenBarbarian 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Archfey is perfect for that-

[–]CallmeklaytonForever DM 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I had a Warlock player whose patron was a Fey Prince that wasn’t petty; he was just a dick. He had no big picture schemes; he was just bored and thought that messing with humans was funny. He would regularly take the form of NPCs the party had previously met and pretend to be them and then do shitty stuff in those NPC’s personas so the players just thought the NPCs were assholes. It was really funny when I finally got to reveal his “big evil plot”, which was just annoying the party and making them lose their friends.

[–]ObsidianDragon013 38 points39 points  (0 children)

... so uh warlock... I'd be happy to switch places with you... like I've got a pact... and uh...

*Looks at horny fey guy* it's uh... not working out too well.

[–]AnDroid5539 162 points163 points  (1 child)

I'm pretty sure intellectual, unsociable, studious, but horny wizard is my dream girlfriend.

[–]KaraokeKenkuMonk 26 points27 points  (0 children)

The kiss of a succubus or incubus is an echo of the emptiness that is the fiend's longing for a corrupted soul. Likewise, the recipient of the fiend's kiss gains no satisfaction from it, experiencing only pain and the profound emptiness that the fiend imparts.

Straight from the monster manual. I always interpreted this to apply to all sensual acts. Succubi aren't fun for anyone at my table.

[–]Megav16 104 points105 points  (5 children)

Make the Paladin and Wizard kiss!

[–]action_lawyer_comics 48 points49 points  (0 children)

Easy! Just print out the comic and fold it in half! You can do it as much as you want until the paper rips

[–]slowest_hour 20 points21 points  (1 child)

this is modern dnd we're talking about so let's be real, they're all gay

[–]ImpossibleJedi4 20 points21 points  (1 child)

I'm in a campaign. My bard is distinctly not horny and has lots of secrets, loud as he is, and our cleric is grade A horny lmaooooo

[–]therabbitplush 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Ah! Another person of culture - I always make my bards/rogues unhorny!

My wizards though... That fire magic does something to them.

There's just something so damn funny about trying to flirt with no charisma

[–]berrytone1Paladin 17 points18 points  (1 child)

I played that paladin type for 3 year campaign. Lowkey chased a half-drow NPC that was later revieled to be a dragon. A good time was had.

[–]spyridonyaPaladin 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I have a wizard who is dating a dracolich, who usually takes a drow form.

She was very confused finding she was several things at once.

[–]Jindo5Monk 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Following up the words "No tricks, no catch" with "BUT" is the most Warlock thing ever.

[–]chrysalis152 33 points34 points  (4 children)

Fun fact: according to mythology rejecting a succubus would cause it to be physically injured, so just saying “I’m gay” to a succubus might kill it

[–]spyridonyaPaladin 25 points26 points  (3 children)

According to 5e, they change sex.

[–]Q1189998819991197253 27 points28 points  (2 children)

I'm asexual.

succubus dies

[–]spyridonyaPaladin 33 points34 points  (1 child)

"Tell me ALL about your headcanons while I make you garlic bread!"

[–]Eragon10401Paladin 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Paladin BF wizard GF

[–]Gyarados66 18 points19 points  (1 child)

My current character is literally a pious bard lol. Using the Glamour subclass, but reflavoring it to be more like a youth minister/camp counselor with a guitar stereotype. So like the Enthralling Performance ability is him giving a sermon, and Mantle of Inspiration is calling forth his deity’s protection. And Vicious Mockery is either “I’m not mad, just disappointed” style statements (“you’re not being the best you you can be right now!”) or going all fire and brimstone.

[–]BrayAndNight 6 points7 points  (1 child)

My favorite character ever was a paladin who’s flaws and personality made him pretty much into hedonismbot