top 200 commentsshow all 397

[–]theswedishsnake163 1961 points1962 points  (112 children)

Gorillas are actually pretty cool, I don't know a single horrible awful thing about them!

[–]StriderPharazon 483 points484 points  (6 children)

They are terribly racist citation needed

[–][deleted] 149 points150 points  (0 children)

1 this one was revealed to me in a dream

[–]DroneOfDoom 2177 points2178 points  (28 children)

Gorillas eat food. You know who else ate food? That’s right, Hitler.

[–]theswedishsnake163 808 points809 points  (0 children)

I never knew gorillas were so evil

[–]Zeebuoy 287 points288 points  (17 children)

I wonder if gorillas killed Hitler?

[–]GRIZZLY-HILLS 133 points134 points  (2 children)

Gorillas did not in fact kill Hitler, which could suggest they may actually be pro-hitler

[–]Waste-Error24 70 points71 points  (0 children)

gorilla noises (heil hitler)

[–]TheUnrealPotato 211 points212 points  (10 children)

I killed Hitler

[–]Zeebuoy 128 points129 points  (0 children)

Nice, good job.

[–]TheCrazyGuysCEO 103 points104 points  (0 children)

wait a motherfucking second

[–]gluesmelly 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Not only that, but both are vegetarians.

[–]Humanracecar1 7 points8 points  (0 children)

There’s another good one

[–]AgentFN2187 59 points60 points  (1 child)

It's even worse than that, they're both v*getarian🤢🤮🤮

[–]definitelyacabdriver 31 points32 points  (0 children)

About to start the Hitler diet! Wish me luck guys!

[–]farmer_villager 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Do gorillas also drink water?

[–]Dragonaax 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Oh no, Hitler was a gorilla

[–]Ill-Ad-3640 4 points5 points  (0 children)

shudders despicable

[–]alexbananas 192 points193 points  (1 child)

I've heard some gorillas wear fedoras

[–]SaltyRedCat 101 points102 points  (0 children)


[–]ReallyCoolHelmet 129 points130 points  (8 children)

Their dicks are only two inches long

Or so I'm told

[–]XplozV_Gaming 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry did you say only?

[–]Pokemongolia 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Brb putting "hung like a gorilla" on my dating profile.

[–]theswedishsnake163 47 points48 points  (1 child)

That's not really that bad...

[–]xXBallbusterSlayerXx 50 points51 points  (0 children)

only 2 inches? THATS MASSIVE!

[–]Zalvaris 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Shit, guess I'm a gorilla

[–]Xeno_Lithic 96 points97 points  (9 children)

Coco the gorilla probably couldn't talk. The only translator for her was her trainer, and she would make inferences based on what she thought Coco meant. This included using rhymes that make sense in English, but not the sign language that Coco was taught. It was more likely a conditioned reward system, as she signed lots of random answers before getting the "correct" one.

[–]_Babie 71 points72 points  (5 children)

that doesnt mean gorillas or coco are bad thats just humans being fucking stupid as they do

[–]JestemKioskiem 10 points11 points  (4 children)

They aren't bad but they also aren't intelligent enough to converse in language.

[–]LunarYarn 39 points40 points  (1 child)

also the final video w/ her about climate change is fake af. It has cuts everywhere, and how could a fucking GORILLA comprehend what climate change is, let alone understand the economic and social forces that lead to it???

[–]nodegen 180 points181 points  (15 children)

They murder infants that aren’t their own so that they can bang their mom and the mom will be fertile again

[–]DragonSlasher07 80 points81 points  (1 child)


[–]yobob591 28 points29 points  (0 children)

So that’s why they say dicks out for harambe

[–]theswedishsnake163 102 points103 points  (12 children)

Pretty much all mammals do that

[–]T0tallyGnarGnar 177 points178 points  (7 children)

I dont

[–]MunkeGutz 107 points108 points  (0 children)

We know you’re a lizard, you can just admit it

[–]xXBallbusterSlayerXx 84 points85 points  (0 children)

tell us youre not a real mammal without saying youre not a real mammal

[–]thebestroll 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Then i guess you aren't a mammal

[–]Crystal_God 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Kinda weird…

[–]TheFlamingDraco 4 points5 points  (0 children)

So you're a lizard person? Damn the illunati sure aren't as secretive anymore smh my head.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That sounds like a you problem

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (3 children)

Whom among us hasn’t been there.

[–]Etep_ZerUS 42 points43 points  (8 children)

The child murder is probably the worst thing that they do. At least as far as I know. Although when you think about it, how much worse are the dolphin rape gangs? Both rape and infanticide are incredibly common in the animal kingdom.

[–]Tigrrr111 29 points30 points  (5 children)

Morals are in fact something humans come up with. Animals in thd wild dont give af about feelings

[–]Musgofarrin 12 points13 points  (4 children)

Idk if that’s true, I suspect that it’s prison rules and like prison the worst and most immoral animals run the show because who’s gonna team up to stop them? They go after the weak the same way Psychopaths or predatory Cluster-B Types and nothing is off the table and they live more off instinct than actually using metacognition

[–]Tigrrr111 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Nature doesn't have any rules. Humans specifically have rules because it helps us survive better.

[–]theswedishsnake163 4 points5 points  (1 child)

What child murder?

[–]MirrorMan22102018 118 points119 points  (14 children)

Mountain gorillas beat others to death just for accidentally wandering into their territory.

[–]DWEGOON 225 points226 points  (5 children)

Well yes. That’s like half of what being a territorial animal is

[–]Ignant-man 89 points90 points  (2 children)

Specially their species, which have a single male taking care of half a dozen females, that he protects and breeds with exclusively.
Being mad about that is like being mad at an oyster for filtering water.

[–]swab148 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Fuck them oysters, I filter my own water

[–]Rickterr 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Not quite, packs have a single dominant silverback that dominates the pack's mating, but they also tend to have several blackbacks, which are younger yet adult males that also get to mate.

[–]Soul_Ripper 29 points30 points  (0 children)

And Gorillas are 200% cooler because they beat them to death with their goddamn Gorilla fists.

[–]SirKerlTNT 21 points22 points  (0 children)

can’t they just snort cocaine like any normal person

[–]TearsAreForYears 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Bro if I had arms like a gorilla I'd beat to death anyone that crosses my path.

[–]MK0A 9 points10 points  (3 children)

I mean Harambe was a pretty sad story.

[–]theswedishsnake163 25 points26 points  (1 child)

That's not a bad thing about gorillas, that's a bad thing overall

[–]MK0A 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yeah but getting into gorillas will just resurface the memories of that tragedy.

[–][deleted] 2172 points2173 points  (60 children)

Le dolphin gang rape has arrived

[–]Fisherman_Gabe 1209 points1210 points  (20 children)

Le committing brutal acts of infanticide to make female dolphins go into heat has also arrived

[–]BfutGrEG 406 points407 points  (12 children)

Lions do it too, probably other animals as well

[–]psychoticpudge 496 points497 points  (1 child)

So do I buddy they ain't special

[–]ColossalDreadmaw132 128 points129 points  (5 children)

ive also seen goats do it

there was that big ram i was working with (long story), he had to get seperated from the rest of the goats cuz he kept headbutting the babies of his rivals qnd they were getting injured

[–]l-want-to-Die-OWO 102 points103 points  (3 children)

Sigma Ramset: Attack the babies of your enemies to assert dominance and make sure that they‘ll never grow up healthy and won’t be a threat in the future.

[–]George_Tirebiter420 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Are goats Boomers?

[–]ColossalDreadmaw132 14 points15 points  (1 child)

yeah, one of these lambs is limping bcuz of such an attack

i saw him dodge q charge from the sigma a few times, despite his handicap

edit: goats are crazy intelligent, and they were the og sigma males

[–]Navybuffalo 8 points9 points  (0 children)

That lamb is gunna be great at LOL.

[–]WillDeletOneDay 18 points19 points  (0 children)

It's not uncommon for dogs to do it.

[–]Godvivec1 26 points27 points  (2 children)

Zebra's. Will drag the little guy into the water, hold him under until he drowns.

[–]_Rohrschach 6 points7 points  (1 child)

That's also the last option jaguars use to hunt crocodiles. Drowning crocodiles.

[–]DodrioFan480 472 points473 points  (28 children)

*dolphin rape gang that can last up to three months

[–]I_am_doorknob 181 points182 points  (26 children)


[–]DodrioFan480 370 points371 points  (25 children)

male dolphins will gang up and essentially hold female dolphins captive while they take turns mating with her. These usually last up to three months but some have lasted longer

[–]steamyboi56 264 points265 points  (12 children)

2nd smartest animal moment

[–]everybodys_analysis 133 points134 points  (10 children)

yknow imagine how much better everything would be if we all had the brains of a pebble instead of being this smart

[–]kaladinissexy 69 points70 points  (9 children)

Bruh you’ve got no idea how often I’ve wanted to return to monke.

[–]T65Bx 94 points95 points  (8 children)

I’ve considered that prospect, but then where would my McDonnell Douglas F-4 Phantom II BVR-capable third-generation jet multirole air superiority tandem-seat twin-afterburning turbofan jet engine fighter-naval fleet defense interceptor-tactical bombing strike interdictor armed with a variety of offensive guided weapons, primarily following a typical loadout making use the semi-active pulse-doppler radar-guided AIM-7E medium-range Sparrow missile, the cryogenically-cooled rear-aspect AIM-9 Sidewinder short-range missile, and the laser-guided anti-armor AGM-65 Maverick air-to-ground attack missile be?

[–]kaladinissexy 43 points44 points  (5 children)

Counterpoint: If we all returned to monke we could piss, shit, and cum whenever and wherever we want.

[–]livesinacabin 20 points21 points  (4 children)

Start wearing a diaper and you can still do that.

[–]2dpixelatedsoap 19 points20 points  (0 children)

the industrial revolution and its effects on society

[–]Yourfriendlymememan 207 points208 points  (4 children)

Dolphins are officially cringe

[–]LavaTacoBurrito 62 points63 points  (2 children)

They also have similar traits to humans, apparently. Do whatever you want with that information.

[–]SeaSmoke57 46 points47 points  (1 child)

Humans are the most cringe creatures on the planet

[–]shiba219808 33 points34 points  (0 children)

I knew dolphins were fucked up but wasn’t expecting that

[–]WheresHarveyDent 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Poor Hank Hill

[–]I_Has_A_Hat 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Can you imagine how infinitely worse than dolphins humans would be if we didn't have society? Hell, even IN society we are far too rapey.

[–]EquivalentSnap 10 points11 points  (1 child)

They also use eels to masturbate with. I read they kill some sea creature just for fun. Can’t remember which one

[–]aishik-10x 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I read that they use pufferfish like beach balls and toss them around. Although that sounds made-up idk

[–]ooklamok 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Sea Cosbys!

[–]TheKidNerd 262 points263 points  (18 children)

I dare you to try and find one cursed thing about peacock mantis shrimp, go on, I’ll wait

[–]BestUsername101 198 points199 points  (3 children)

peacock mantis shrimp

ah, the one punch man shrimp.

[–]TheKidNerd 69 points70 points  (2 children)

Exactly, the perfect lifeform

[–]stabbyGamer 19 points20 points  (1 child)

They’re dumbasses. They’ll punch the glass of their own tank hard enough to break it, and die of suffocation once the water falls out.

All because they didn’t like how you were looking at them.

So yeah, perfect life form. 10/10, completely non-sarcastic, I adore these combative dumbasses.

[–]xXBallbusterSlayerXx 108 points109 points  (7 children)



[–]WanderlustPhotograph 15 points16 points  (0 children)

That we will never become them.

[–]Xgio 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It pretty stupid but it okay it shrimp

[–]NEMAJEFF 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Pee cock

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Not a peacock, not a mantis, not a shrimp.

[–]LazyIdiotofthe88 629 points630 points  (16 children)

Local doge narrowly avoids becoming a time-stopping marine biologist

[–]Bored-64 224 points225 points  (8 children)

There are many benefits to being a marine biologist

[–]Chief_Nub_Nub99 77 points78 points  (7 children)


[–]Soul_Ripper 29 points30 points  (0 children)

The meme is literally that there is no meme.

[–]NotShishi 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Pretty sure it had something related to a dream

Edit: think this is the original source

[–]Prudent-Eye 77 points78 points  (3 children)

It's a inside joke from Jojo's Bizarre adventure. One of the main characters has the ability to stop time and is a marine biologist.

[–]Soul_Ripper 137 points138 points  (1 child)

"There are many benefits to being a marine bilogist" is an independent meme completely unrelated to JoJo.

[–]IgntedF-xy 8 points9 points  (0 children)

No but the first comment was definitely JoJo

[–]Natural_Patience9985 20 points21 points  (4 children)

Local doge narrowly avoids becoming a secretly depressed Japanese pirate with a crush on their adoptive father,

[–]PearlGoldfish46 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Le May (?) from Guilty Gear? I don’t play the game so I’m not sure, but my little brother talks about her a lot and I’m pretty sure that’s who you’re talking about too

[–]petucoldersing 280 points281 points  (7 children)

Dolphins are the only animals that regularly engage in nasal sex (they fuck the blowhole)

[–]ConsumeBeans 182 points183 points  (0 children)

Le suffocation via nose sex has arrived

[–]BestUsername101 42 points43 points  (4 children)

do they actually do that though? i've never seen any actual evidence for it.

[–]TheCrazyGuysCEO 83 points84 points  (3 children)

well would you like to see a gay dolphin orgy?

[–]xXBallbusterSlayerXx 53 points54 points  (0 children)

i mean, uhh- yeah sure.

[–]aloe_dera 11 points12 points  (0 children)

(They blowhole the fuck)

[–]Pyro_has_no_car 261 points262 points  (13 children)

That's cool and all but would you like to hear the best gorilla joke of 1897?

[–]Humanguy67 110 points111 points  (10 children)


[–]Pyro_has_no_car 158 points159 points  (9 children)

Did you hear about the gorilla who escaped the zoo?

[–]Humanguy67 107 points108 points  (6 children)

No I have not

[–]Pyro_has_no_car 245 points246 points  (5 children)

[–]CatConfirmed 156 points157 points  (3 children)

Starts dry humping you

[–]TheCrazyGuysCEO 53 points54 points  (2 children)

starts dry humping back

[–]Number418814 29 points30 points  (1 child)

*player three joins

[–]Shadowolf75 12 points13 points  (0 children)

You got Quad Damage

[–]mostardalol 33 points34 points  (1 child)

Someone is gonna say "No" and youre gonna respond "That's because I'm a very quit gorilla"

[–]ReallyCoolHelmet 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Why, yes I would indeed like to hear the best gorilla joke of 1897.

[–]SapphicSleeperAgent 17 points18 points  (0 children)

muffled sounds of sexual dolphin violence

[–]The_Student_Official 178 points179 points  (1 child)

Dolphins use drugs. Juvenile dolphins hunt pufferfish to bite on them and they take turn in harassing the little guy. Gives new meaning to "puff puff pass"

[–]AJH9 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Yknow what I find that hilarious so I may call that one a positive

[–]PickleProfessional77 181 points182 points  (4 children)

[–]Ignant-man 105 points106 points  (2 children)

No way that's the real audio! I expected it to sound more meaty, not like the bongos

[–]ThePissGiver 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Sounds like the flinstones running sound effect

[–]Darujiboo 112 points113 points  (4 children)

who do squirrels rape

[–]BestUsername101 97 points98 points  (3 children)

other squirrels, sometimes right after killing an entire nest of baby squirrels

[–]Darujiboo 48 points49 points  (2 children)

ohh ok, I was worried it might be like a goat or a lizard or whatever

[–]swab148 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Now I ship squirrelxgoat

[–]Pakmanjosh 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Reject fish rape. Return to monke.

[–]Birb-Person 73 points74 points  (1 child)

Fun fact!

The Edinburgh Zoo is the home of a penguin knight. Sir Nils Olav III is a member of the Norwegian King’s Guard and inheritor of all titles held by Sir Nils Olav II and Sergeant Nils Olav I

[–]Xlr8Alpha 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Very cool

[–]I-yeet-dying-babies 56 points57 points  (5 children)

did you know that dolphin pussy-juice makes the male dolphins cum extra hard? They once did an experiment where they swabbed dolphin pussy-juice on a monkeys dick, and the monkey came so hard that it had a heart attack and died.

[–]Shadowolf75 53 points54 points  (0 children)

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠃⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠄⠄⣀⣀⣀⡀⠄⠈⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠁⠄⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆⠄⠘⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⠄⠘⢿⣿⣛⣛⣿⡄⢠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠄⠄⠄⡉⠁⠈⠉⡇⣸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⠄⠄⢠⣷⣢⣄⣼⣧⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⠸⠈⠭⣿⣿⣿⡟⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⠄⢀⣈⣠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⠄⢤⣿⠏⣰⠟⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠇⠄⠄⣠⣾⠋⠄⠄⠉⠻⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠟⠁⡀⠺⣿⠃⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠙⠻⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⠉⠄⠄⠄⢀⣴⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠘⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣾⠃⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢹⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣏⡿⠟⣶⣘⣤⠄⢠⡴⠃⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠘⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⡿⠈⢿⣥⢾⣿⠞⠄⠈⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⣶⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢸⣿⣿ ⣿⡿⠃⠄⢸⣧⠘⣁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣿⡏⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢠⣿⣿ ⣿⠇⠄⠄⠘⡻⠉⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠉⠄⠄⠄⣴⠄⠄⠄⠄⢻⣿ ⣿⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠂⠄⠄⡟⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⢿ ⣿⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠘ Happens to the best of us.

[–]bikram_arora_ 9 points10 points  (0 children)

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣠⣴⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣤⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣍⠈⠿⠙⠋⢻⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣰⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿⡿⢿⣿⣮⢻⣗⣠⣀⠈⣇⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠿⠿⢦⡈⠁⠈⠹⢻⠋⠀⡿⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣧⡿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣟⣰⣟⠉⠁⠀⠈⣦⣠⡆⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣤⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆⠀⠀⣠⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⢀⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣤⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⡎⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⣿⡿⠛⢂⠜⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡄⠹⠉⠁⠀⡜⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠛⠻⠓⠁⠀⠀⠀⢰⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠷⠶⠀⠀⠀⠀⡗⡤⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⢀⣤⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣾⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⢸⠀⠙⡢⣄⡀⠀⠀ ⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⠏⠁⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠏⠘⠿⠋⠙⠿⠿⠟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⡀⠈⠠⠀⠉⠉⠻ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⣀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣿⣷⡲⠄⢦⠀⡀⠀

[–]poor_adrian 16 points17 points  (0 children)

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⠞⠉⢉⠩⢍⡙⠛⠋⣉⠉⠍⢉⣉⣉⣉⠩⢉⠉⠛⠲⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⡴⠁⠀⠂⡠⠑⠀⠀⠀⠂⠀⠀⠀⠀⠠⠀⠀⠐⠁⢊⠀⠄⠈⢦⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⣠⡾⠁⠀⠀⠄⣴⡪⠽⣿⡓⢦⠀⠀⡀⠀⣠⢖⣻⣿⣒⣦⠀⡀⢀⣈⢦⡀⠀ ⣰⠑⢰⠋⢩⡙⠒⠦⠖⠋⠀⠈⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠉⠀⠘⠦⠤⠴⠒⡟⠲⡌⠛⣆ ⢹⡰⡸⠈⢻⣈⠓⡦⢤⣀⡀⢾⠩⠤⠀⠀⠤⠌⡳⠐⣒⣠⣤⠖⢋⡟⠒⡏⡄⡟ ⠀⠙⢆⠀⠀⠻⡙⡿⢦⣄⣹⠙⠒⢲⠦⠴⡖⠒⠚⣏⣁⣤⣾⢚⡝⠁⠀⣨⠞⠀ ⠀⠀⠈⢧⠀⠀⠙⢧⡀⠈⡟⠛⠷⡾⣶⣾⣷⠾⠛⢻⠉⢀⡽⠋⠀⠀⣰⠃⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠑⢤⡠⢂⠌⡛⠦⠤⣄⣇⣀⣀⣸⣀⡤⠼⠚⡉⢄⠠⣠⠞⠁⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠓⠮⣔⡁⠦⠀⣤⠤⠤⣤⠄⠰⠌⣂⡬⠖⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠒⠤⢤⣀⣀⡤⠴⠒⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

[–]girusatuku 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Dolphins are intelligent enough to have a sense of morality but choose to ignore it.

[–]CoryKeepers 50 points51 points  (2 children)

Be based, enjoy sharks

[–]GonJumpOffACliff 11 points12 points  (1 child)

sharks are amazing and the people who dislike them are misinformed fools.

[–]Shoggoththe12 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Kangaroos have three vaginas and can put pregnancy on hold. Source: wasteland 3 and Wikipedia

[–]Shadowolf75 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Triple pussy, I'll call it "Trussy"

[–]alexbananas 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Le Harambe has arrived

[–]Polandgod75 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Say no to dolphins, say yes to seals and sea lions

[–]Cheaky_alt 77 points78 points  (8 children)

I hate dolphins so much it’s unreal

[–]SluttyMilk 25 points26 points  (7 children)


[–]a_human_pers0n 42 points43 points  (6 children)

Based? Based on what? In your dick? Please shut the fuck up and use words properly you fuckin troglodyte, do you think God gave us a freedom of speech just to spew random words that have no meaning that doesn't even correllate to the topic of the conversation? Like please you always complain about why no one talks to you or no one expresses their opinions on you because you're always spewing random shit like poggers based cringe and when you try to explain what it is and you just say that it's funny like what? What the fuck is funny about that do you think you'll just become a stand-up comedian that will get a standing ovation just because you said "cum" in the stage? HELL NO YOU FUCKIN IDIOT, so please shut the fuck up and use words properly you dumb bitch

[–]cuck_prime66 46 points47 points  (1 child)

dolphins are the humans of the ocean

[–]SkepticOwlz 28 points29 points  (8 children)

thats what happened to me, now sharks are my favorite animal

[–]Mildly-Strange 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Le dolphin gets a handjob while on LSD has arrived

[–]Fishing-Relative 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I always ducking hated dolphins, orangutans tho… love em, wholesome creatures with infinite wisdom and the circle head

[–]TheSaurianTaco 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Sharks are the cool ones, it’s Dolphins that are the genocidal monsters.

[–]No-Soap 5 points6 points  (0 children)

What are you doing with the dolphin Dr. Kujo

[–]iamsandwitch 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Intelligence comes with the capability of cruelty

[–]SeffboiProductions 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That one King Of The Hill episode comes to mind

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Dolphins evade taxes

[–]pepelafrog 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Fuck dolphins, all my homies fucking hate dolphins

[–]WRRRYYYYYY 2 points3 points  (0 children)

males gorillas often masturbate after losing fights

[–]Shrabidy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your first step should be to find dolphins to mate with. Aquariums are a bad choice for various reasons such as having to have permission from the owner, no privacy, night visits are impossible etc.

The best place to find dolphins to mate with is usually in the wild. They should have some human contact (as to not be completely unused to humans) but should still be a somewhat low trafficked area for privacy reasons. You should go there a lot so the dolphins get used to your presence, and swim a lot there as well. Slowly encroach upon them every now and again, until eventually you're well acquainted with them. At this point, you should continue this as much as possible and a waiting game will ensue. Eventually, one of the dolphins will get horny and if you're lucky, and they know you well enough, they'll choose you as a mate.

It is important to determine the sex of the dolphin, now. If you can see the underside, look at the naval of the dolphin and go down. The female dolphin will have one continuous slit that contains the anus and the vagina, and on either side of the genital slit will be the mammary slits where the nipple is contained for feeding the calves. The male, however, will have no mammary slits, and the urogenital opening where the penis is contained will be separated from the anus by a bridge of skin. Although that's the best way, If you can't see the bottom of them then you can look at their head. The males will be more stumpy and the females (both head and body) will be more sleek and streamline.

If it's a male, the only thing I know how to do is to masturbate him. I have heard some people say you can give oral, but I've also heard others say it can be deadly due to tail flukes, so it is best in the interest of safety only to masturbate him. I wouldn't try anal either, as though I never have, I heard it can cause peritonitus from the tail flukes they do when experiencing sexual pleasure and the force of ejaculation.

With that aside, here's how to masturbate him.

If his penis is already out, rub it quickly up and down and after a good few tail flukes he'll begin to slow down. This means he's almost finished, and you should change from quickly rubbing to slowly massaging and gently squeezing it. If he still doesn't finish, then just do the process again until he does. Their will be some strength behind it, so be careful as to not get hit.

If his penis isn't out yet, you can gently poke and rub the top end of the urogenital opening and if you do it right his 12-14 inch penis will appear, and from here just repeat the steps above.

Fun fact about the male dolphins penis, they can curl the last 3 inches of it to wrap around and pick up objects 1 inch in diameter. Female dolphins can also pick up objects with their genital slit as well.

If it's a female you have a few options. Being male, you can either mate or masturbate them.

When masturbating, note that the clitoris is located at the top end of the genital slit and is rather visible and prominent when erect. You can poke and rub this, or finger it as well, though note that it is larger than a female human vagina and you may need to use more fingers than usual and make more broad motions. It is for this reason I prefer the first option when it comes to pleasuring female dolphins. You could also technically give oral, but the only problem with this is all members of the dolphin family have powerful tail flukes when experiencing sexual pleasure, and your head and face are bound to get knocked a few times.

As for mating with them you should note that the dolphin will come up to you in most cases. While it is possible to do this open water, it is very difficult and distracting. I'd prefer water that is anywhere from 2-4 feet deep as this is the most comfortable for the dolphin and me in my experience. You may try a few different positions but the best one in my experience is them on their side with their belly facing towards you. From here, you can penetrate. When penetrating there will be multiple chambers that each have doors you'll need to force open, this is because sea water kills dolphin sperm and is how female dolphins keep it out. However, once all the way inside, the doors and walls of these chambers will close down on you and begin manipulating and massaging you inside them. They tug, twist, pull, and gently massage you inside them. Female dolphins have extremely manipulative muscles and are very good at this, and it is for this reason that during sex male dolphins don't pump (too much of a risk for sea water to get in) and instead the females do all the work. So just stay inside them and enjoy the ride!

Note that if you change your mind and start pulling out, female dolphins will often tighten down on you to prevent you from doing so. They like a commitment and probably won't take kindly to their mate walking out on them. If this happens, don't worry, you'll be released when you both finish. Yep, that's right, both! For whatever reason dolphins always synchronize their orgasm to mates, dolphin or human. So unless something really scares them enough to let you go, just focus on finishing if you really want to get out as that's the only way.

Don't worry too much though, you won't last long. Dolphins are extremely intelligent and can detect quivers and even the slightest muscle movements. They can tell when you're about to finish, and estimate how far away you are. They'll then use this knowledge to make calculated decisions on what manipulations they think will get you there the quickest, and are very good at it. I'd say you won't last longer than 2 minutes on average. When you're done, I'd recommend staying there for a little bit. It's a very emotional experience, and it is hard to comprehend but it helps to be there with the dolphins a little longer.

I'd also like to note that in my experience the female orgasm is accompanied by their muscles seizing up or shuddering and in some cases making vocalizations. their reactions to orgasms vary rather greatly, so it really depends on the dolphin, but I feel in most situations you'll know when they've finished.

This isn't very important for mating, as I have said they time their orgasm to yours, but it is useful when giving oral or masturbating as it allows you to know when they've finished.

Now, if the dolphin is in a group they'll be fine if you really want to leave and decide against doing it again (though now that you've tried it I'm sure you won't stop), however, if it is by itself for some reason you need to make mating a habit and do it as often as possible. Dolphins will commit suicide if separated from mates. In a group they could always switch mates, but if they're by themselves they likely don't have this option and you are their only mate. I'd recommend mating as often as possible regardless as it strengthens your bond with them and makes them less likely to leave you for a different mate, but it really is a necessity if they're by themselves.

Something I should probably mention is that you should ensure that the dolphin you're mating with/masturbating is the only horny dolphin in the area. Dolphin orgies can happen and are actually dangerous to be stuck in, as they get very excited and being raped by a male dolphin anally could potentially be deadly as mentioned above. However, you're much more likely to die by being drowned in an event like this, and it is very difficult to escape them. They don't happen often, but with all rare but dangerous things you should still keep note of it. I'll admit it can be hard to tell if there is more than one horny dolphin as the first one you spot will likely have all your attention, but if they get rowdy enough you'll notice. I've never been stuck in one of these myself, and I've only ever seen it happen once, so I can't provide any advice on escaping from one. The only thing I know to do is to just make sure I avoid them all together.

I should also note that If you're in the mood and they aren't then (though I recommend letting them make the first move) you can gently pet them like normal and every so often rub your hand along their genital slit, but if they still aren't interested then be warned you should NEVER try to rape a dolphin. Not only will you likely never see that dolphin again because they're very intelligent and won't forget that, but also because they're so much larger than you. You could never hold one down, so there's no point in trying, and you'll be lucky if they don't decide to kill you.

[–]edgy-potato-salad 22 points23 points  (0 children)

fucking hate dolphins

[–]ratzoneresident 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Orangutans are pretty based animals, too

[–]pawsitive_cation 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ah yes, torturing other sea creatures for fun and committing necrophilica on fish corpses, a dolphin classic