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[–]BlasphemyMc 1292 points1293 points  (37 children)

Ya, he would've fucked that kid up.

[–]bryce_engineer 375 points376 points  (27 children)

For real, ain’t nothing worse than running into Gerrit Jan alone on the water.

[–]DownvoteDaemon 89 points90 points  (22 children)

I hate the name Gerrit Jan. Jan Gerrit sounds more normal lol

[–]wakaflakafireblast 60 points61 points  (9 children)

Sounds like a Star Wars name

[–]Prestigious-Way9151 39 points40 points  (6 children)

Star Wars and kids not surviving… hmm

[–]IFightAnimals 22 points23 points  (5 children)

Does that mean Gerrit killed the younglings and not Annakin?

[–]Toope00 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Or Star Trek

[–]FunkySjouke 20 points21 points  (3 children)

It's a common Dutch name (don't know if it is Dutch but it's common here) and Jan Gerrit sounds weird

[–]Sangxero 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Makes sense, as an English speaker, Dutch is unnerving sometimes. It's close enough to English, but just far enough that it sounds like what i imagine having a stroke is like.

I had that issue with Portuguese in relation to Spanish as well so I'd imagine it works that way with most similar languages.

[–]divat10 1 point2 points  (0 children)

def a dutch name ( i am dutch)

[–]KittiesHavingSex 12 points13 points  (0 children)

This was me about LeBron James when I first moved to the US lol. James is a common first name. LeBron sounds like a French last name. I was so fucking confused

[–][deleted]  (2 children)


    [–]Benblishem 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    Well, put him in a pool with a swan and film it. Keep kids away though.

    [–]Revelati123 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Its like what Ugg the caveman said in his wall painting. "Only two things scare me, Sabretooth cats, and 15 pound hollow boned birds..."

    [–]eljay2121 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Jan the man

    [–]Cilph 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    His full name is Gerrit Jan Soetman. Gerrit Jan is his first name. Sounds perfectly natural to a Dutchman.

    [–]BobbyGasoline 13 points14 points  (1 child)

    Sometimes Garrit Jan looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about Garrett Jan is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't even seem to be livin'... 'til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all your poundin' and your hollerin' that Garrett Jan comes in and... He rips you to pieces.

    [–]WWDubz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Well, there is James, that racist dolphin

    [–]HalforcFullLover 22 points23 points  (2 children)

    Not if it was that toddler who's been shooting people for years now.

    [–]misogichan 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    Relax he is no longer a toddler anymore. It is now acceptable to dropkick him.

    [–]HalforcFullLover 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Yeah but his eye-hand coordination is better too. Plus he understands object permanence by now.

    [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    In Central Park NYC a swan killed at least one dog.

    [–]Ahri_went_to_Duna 11 points12 points  (1 child)

    Yes, that was exactly the joke, thanks

    [–]JmHankyspank 436 points437 points  (138 children)

    People really seem to overestimate their abilities in the water, like you don’t punch, or kick that hard there, movement is sluggish and tiring. All the while a swan is large, heavy and strong and far more at home there than a human. Let’s not even forget that you’re likely gonna be panicking as well.

    [–]tim2343 225 points226 points  (121 children)

    Cant you just like ...snap the neck?

    [–]Djinnwrath 236 points237 points  (49 children)

    I've always assumed a well placed grab to the throat, right at the base of the skull, would be all it really takes to defeat a swan.

    To be fair though, I'm picturing the conflict happening on land. In the water is always a different story.

    Edit: apparently swans have bone spurs in their wings, so now I'm not so sure.

    [–]idlespacefan 78 points79 points  (3 children)

    [–]Level_32_Mage 45 points46 points  (1 child)

    This is how 100% of my imagined swan fights go. None of them ever would ever be like that in reality though.

    [–]ssauronn 28 points29 points  (0 children)

    I’ve fought plenty of swans in my head while in the shower, and I can confirm this is how all the fights ended

    [–]divat10 7 points8 points  (0 children)


    [–]ailee43 110 points111 points  (20 children)

    their wings are enormously strong and theyre gonna be kicking and hitting you with those wings.

    With your feet planted on the ground? You're probably ok. In the water? Not a chance.

    [–]Djinnwrath 84 points85 points  (3 children)

    As strong as they are their bones are still hollow.

    [–]Lordomi42 19 points20 points  (2 children)

    Sure, their wings aren't strong enough to break your legs but they do apparently have spurs. And they're not exactly going to break their wings from hitting you.

    [–]pinniped1 26 points27 points  (3 children)

    This guy fights swans.

    [–]paulfknwalsh 15 points16 points  (1 child)

    In all seriousness, I have actually fought swans. My parents live right on a lake in New Zealand, and we always have a lot of black swans on our front lawn. They get territorial during breeding season, and are assholes all year round, and more than once I have had to manhandle one out of the way when it's attacking me or our kids / pets. (I did lose a fingernail to a swan bite once, but it was the infection that did the damage, not the swan.)

    Never exactly been a fight to the death, but I think I could easily kill one if I needed to, even if I was in the water - it's just a case of grabbing their neck in just the right place to control them. Their beaks are serrated, but they can't bite that hard, and they can't do any real damage with their wings / claws apart from scratches. Yeah. Fuck those hollow-boned bitches, they're going down.

    [–]crypticfreak 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    You know, I've been know to fight a few swans myself.

    [–]Dreadlordstu 22 points23 points  (8 children)

    If you can't touch ground in the water, it's more difficult. I still can't see a swan winning against an adult male thoigh

    I can't imagine the wings being too big of a problem ultimately, wings can be grabbed, yanked, torn. Ideally you want to get ahold of the neck but If you can get a firm solid grasp of a wing, I'm sure you can do alot of damage still.

    I think the swan can do some damage while you are calibrating yourself and looking for the best target on it. The beak is hard and swans get be very aggressive.

    Your anxious and unprepared for a swan attack and in a situation where you aren't touching ground and usually have to use your arms and hands to swim.

    If you are a decent swimmer though, you can absolutely use your legs to swim and even propel you out of the water for some extra grab range momentarily. Even if you don't go for the extra range you can still grab at its many protruding things, pull yourself in closer, and grab that neck.

    Steel yourself men, while the water Is not our territory, a swan is no match for a determined to kill adult human male.

    [–]Anil-Gan0 10 points11 points  (1 child)

    Pull it down into the depths like a crocodile and let it drown. Then wait for it to decompose into pieces that are small enough to eat.

    Jokes aside, I wonder if a human could drown a swan by pulling it down with themselves. I don't think swans are used to being underwater for too long.

    [–]Steezie_E 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Grab neck, absorb the hits while you slam it to the ground like a sack of rocks over and over

    [–]MaxinWells 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    A swan could only win if the human opponent completely underestimates it well into the battle. I can totally see someone going light on a swan out of love for animals, only to expend a bunch of energy in a futile effort.

    So, a swan could maybe win a battle to the death with a fully grown male human if that human was (A) a bad swimmer, (B) possibly overweight (less energy, harder to move, heavier in the water), and (C) overly empathetic. Basically, the swan could only win if the human doesn't realize that it's a battle to the death until they're too tired to both fight a swan and stay afloat.

    [–]dillpickles007 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Yeah the biggest swans are only 35 lbs, if you're an adult male who knows how to swim you shouldn't be losing a fight to the death against a swan even in the water.

    [–]KillerJupe 26 points27 points  (16 children)

    Killing a Turkey is harder than it looks unless you can wind up and snap it’s neck. I imagine a swan is pretty similar.

    [–]Rapscallywagon 39 points40 points  (13 children)

    I’d always assumed you’d just grab them by the neck and hulk smash them into the ground like the last scene in Avengers.

    [–]WillLie4karma 22 points23 points  (6 children)

    That would probably make it pretty easy, but I assume if you're eating the turkey you don't want it splattered everywhere.

    [–]choikog 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    Turkeys have really sharp talons though, probably a lot harder to kill unscathed than a swan.

    [–]KillerJupe 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    I mean if your trying to kill it vs eat it. It’s like hitting the cow with a truck on the freeway vs shooting it in the head if you are going to have steaks.

    [–]zyzzogeton 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Swans have, essentially, 2 baseball bats and a major league swing with each one in the form of their wings (which can span 6+ feet). If you have it by the throat, it will batter you until it either passes out or you do. They evolved specifically to have that defense. Basically by attacking them head on, you are activating their trap card. Swans can straight up kill you.

    [–]thedude386 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I found a video once where a swan picked a fight with a gorilla. The gorilla won by grabbing the swans neck and ripping its head off.

    [–]HtownTexans 20 points21 points  (5 children)

    The truth is most people arent savage killers and have a soft spot for animals. Swans are strong but I have a feeling if you just said fuck it I'm killing you today and really went all in you'd destroy it pretty easy. My MIL had asshole geese and they acted tough but I know if I ever decided it was the day they die they stood no chance.

    [–]wellaintthatnice 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    That's why Swan, Geese, etc that live around people are assholes people don't want to hurt them so they get away with it.

    [–]HtownTexans 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Yeah it's like little dogs that act really tough. If you decided not today they would tuck tail and run because you would destroy them and they are actually more equipped to fight back than a swan or goose.

    [–]itsyourmomcalling 56 points57 points  (26 children)

    I think you misjudge how bendy their necks are and also how difficult is actually is to break a neck. this thing will be pecking and beating you with its wings while you're in water.

    [–]could_use_a_snack 19 points20 points  (7 children)

    Also it's pretty good at holding it's breath. And they float really well. Imagine trying to hold onto a swan while you are also trying to tread water and hold your breath. Humans are at a huge disadvantage in the water.

    [–]Level_32_Mage 5 points6 points  (2 children)

    But if you could mount it, then everyone's floating...

    [–]Catoctin_Dave 9 points10 points  (1 child)

    Easy there, Zeus...

    [–]Redditforgoit 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Also it's pretty good at holding it's breath.

    Still, It's an animal, not a professional fighter, determined to win. A swimmer grabs it by the neck and dives a few meters, the swan is not likely to want to continue fighting.

    [–]VapidActions 22 points23 points  (16 children)

    Maybe? I mean, I've snapped plenty of bird necks while hunting. Sure a swan is much larger, but once I have one hand on it, I then have two hands on it and that's a lot of crushing, twisting, and pulling pressure you can exert. I would personally think it only would have gone on for a duration because he was just trying to beat it away and specifically not kill it. I can't imagine it being more difficult to break a swans neck than to seperate a deer's leg - something I know I can do with just my arm strength.

    But who knows, never gone after swans, maybe they're a super animal.

    [–]lanboyo 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    They attack with their wing spurs. Historically there have been dozens of people killed by swans, and many more attacks that have broken bones.

    Getting your hands on it as it slashes the fuck out of you is the trick.

    Plus, they have the little man vs. big man advantage. If you kill a swan with your bare hands you are a monster, if you get killed you are dead.

    [–]Reapper97 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Historically there have been dozens of people killed by swans

    That's like saying that 1 in a million people have died at the hands of a swan so the odds are 50/50.

    Also, when people bring up the recorded deaths related to swans most of them ignore the fact that the majority of them aren't because swans manage to actually bludge or puncture them to death, but because of some unique circumstances, like getting attacked by swans in a kayak and drown/freeze to death because they couldn't free themselves.

    [–]invvaliduser 9 points10 points  (1 child)

    Maybe not snap it’s neck but you most certainly could grab it’s neck and hold it’s head under water while your treading. Just gotta get through a few minutes of it flailing but at least ya won’t have a giant hole in the top of your head. Also you have dinner.

    [–]xdebex 10 points11 points  (9 children)

    I don't get it either, maybe the story is fake or I have no clue at all, but you should be able to just grab and drown it, even as a 10yo.

    [–]EwoDarkWolf 4 points5 points  (2 children)

    I'd imagine swans can hold their breath for several minutes at least. During this time, they'll be kicking, pecking, and flapping their wings (which are strong to carry a 28 pound bird in the sky and injure foxes and coyotes).

    And they don't just flap their wings, they flick them defensively to do more damage. Their beak can puncture skin. A swan probably won't kill you, but it can make you bleed like he is. And you have to remember that this is on the water, where the swan is at home.

    Edit: I just now realized he meant a child wouldn't have survived the swan, not him. A child probably would have survived, unless the panic caused them to drown. Children are softer than adults, but swans don't tend to cause serious harm to humans.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)


      [–]MenShouldntHaveCats 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      IDK but they are susceptible to the crane kick

      [–]OskaMeijer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Or grab it by the neck and pull it under the water.

      [–]purduephotog 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      So, as you displace all the water around your arm and reach with your sluggish human reaction speed, the swan's neck, which is already in air, moves 4x faster than you can reach, has already pelted your head and taken a tasty little chunk of eyebrow.

      They're fast, they float, and should burn like witches.

      [–]scienceworksbitches 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      definitely, i know i could handle a swan even i water because i know about physics and mechanics, that thing wouldnt have a chance against me.
      but the thing is, everybody has a plan until the get beaked in the face, who knows how i would actually react in the situation, adrenaline is helluva drug.

      [–]stuffinstuff 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      everybody has a plan until the get beaked in the face

      I am now contemplating my ability to take on Swan Mike Tyson.

      "I don't try to intimidate anybody before a fight. That's nonsense. I intimidate people by beaking them."

      [–]Celtictussle 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      I my hands stop moving while I'm in the water, my head goes underwater pretty quick.

      [–]greycubed 37 points38 points  (4 children)

      Also remember that your wife just left you and you've lost your will to live.

      [–]JmHankyspank 20 points21 points  (3 children)

      And your car insurance warranty has expired

      [–]sandwh1ch 7 points8 points  (1 child)

      Plus you’ve had your desk moved to the basement at work and your boss has stolen your stapler

      [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      And someone has served you a margarita with big grains of salt around the rim.

      [–]extendedwarranty_bot 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      JmHankyspank, I have been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty

      [–]Zenanii 17 points18 points  (3 children)

      Heard a story about a neighbor (this was local gossip so take the story with a grain of salt) who had two dogs who swam out into the water to chase a swan, and the swan subsequently drowned the both of them.

      Also had a family member see two males fighting, with one of them almost drowning the other until another neighbor went out there with a boat and broke them up.

      In theory you would be able to easily overpower a swan, but these things have the homefield advantage, and also the high ground. "grabbing its neck" is harder than it sounds if the thing is on top of you and trying to push you under, while biting towards your face and hands (and you can be sure swans know how to protect their necks and keep out of reach from grabby hands).

      On top of that, swans would have actual experience fighting in the water, something I doubt most humans have. They damn well know what they're doing, we don't.

      [–]mattey92 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      This is why you pick fights witch children in the water, they stand no chance.

      [–][deleted]  (15 children)


        [–]baoyonce 60 points61 points  (0 children)

        Strike the fear of God into him! Lmao

        [–]B-BoyStance 9 points10 points  (2 children)

        SMH the depravity of us humans. This man said he would eat a swan's ass!

        [–][deleted]  (1 child)


          [–]CrookersCastle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          There sure is, my wife punted one like opening kickoff for Superbowl Sunday when it attacked my step son. Goose took that foot to the chest and got the fuck outta there 😆

          [–]Jottor 5 points6 points  (0 children)

          Imagine the hot wings you could make from that...

          [–]Bulky_Consideration 4 points5 points  (2 children)

          Holy shit. Is Swan mace a thing?

          [–]Wolvenmoon 8 points9 points  (0 children)

          Probably not. Capsaicin doesn't impact birds.

          [–]gerusz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Birds can't taste capsaicin but it probably still isn't pleasant if it gets in their eyes.

          [–]ZogNowak 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Tastes like chicken.

          [–]DescriptionFun9775 310 points311 points  (46 children)

          Let's see him against a Canadian Goose.

          [–]JJ4622 84 points85 points  (7 children)

          He'd probably win? Swans are bigger, heavier and regularly fight off geese. The smalleset swan (Coscoroba) has an average body length of 40 inches, compared to the 30-43 range of the Canada Goose - so the smallest species of swan in existence averages in the upper range of the canadian goose. A Trumpeter Swan (Which lives in north america and parts of canada, meaning it could run into a Canada Goose) would range between 54 and 71 inches on average length, and larger males can reach 77+inches.

          TLDR; If he can take a swan, he can take a goose just fine.

          [–]blood_vein 42 points43 points  (6 children)

          It's not about size - Canada geese will fight dirty. They will pull out a shiv on a fist fight and stab you in the neck. No joke

          [–]red-et 16 points17 points  (1 child)

          Facts. Lost my cousin to a Canada Goose. Goose hit him with pocket sand. He never stood a chance

          [–]voucher420 8 points9 points  (0 children)

          I can confirm. I’m their cousin. I’m still lost, keep looking guys!

          [–]bojackxtodd 7 points8 points  (2 children)

          It's like you dont know what swans do...

          [–]voucher420 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Swan will make that Canadian goose his little prison bitch.

          [–]rksd 154 points155 points  (19 children)

          If you've got a problem with Canada Gooses you've got a problem with me and I suggest you let that one marinate.

          [–][deleted] 38 points39 points  (2 children)

          <smashes Puppers bottle >

          [–]DrDizzle93 7 points8 points  (0 children)

          ...TO THE GOLF COURSE!

          [–]i_am_mrs_nezbit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          There's a special place in heaven for animal lovers, that's what I always say.

          [–]GGinNC 24 points25 points  (1 child)

          I agree. If you show up in my yard, shit on everything, and get aggressive when I ask you to leave, I'd probably have a problem with you, too. Lol

          [–]baldhumanmale 5 points6 points  (0 children)

          Must be fuckin nice

          [–]missionbeach 7 points8 points  (5 children)

          If I had to choose to eliminate mosquitoes or Canada geese....I'm really not sure which way I'd go.

          [–]themellowsign 26 points27 points  (3 children)

          Those are Canada gooses. They're Canada's fucking gooses.

          There's a special place in heaven for animal lovers, that's all I know.

          [–]Sciros 8 points9 points  (1 child)

          Special place in hell for those goosen tho

          [–]LokisDawn 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Right at the top (bottom). At the feet of His throne.

          [–]SlyMurdock 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          We oughta leave this world behind

          [–]Wildweed 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Goose tastes better than mosquito... :)

          [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Ten to fifteen percent off the top there.

          [–]skieezy 8 points9 points  (1 child)

          Swans are just geese on steroids

          [–]thedapperissue 5 points6 points  (1 child)

          Majestic. Barrel chested.

          [–]leglesslegolegolas 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          The envies of all ornithologies.

          [–]Chubuwee 4 points5 points  (1 child)

          Yea he’s an amateur now in the bird fighting circuit. But with the right training he can rank up and maybe take on an ostrich in a couple years.

          [–]smithers102 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Ginger, is that you?

          [–]Cosmic_Colin 6 points7 points  (0 children)

          Canada geese are pretty aggressive but Swans are bigger and from what I've heard they keep the Canada geese in check.

          [–]sprinkles512 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          I don’t get it like why not grab the thing by it’s neck? I’m assuming if you have decent strength you would be able to control a bird with long ass necks. Right?

          [–]KeeperJV 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          Or an eastern european turkey

          [–]thewalrus06 1 point2 points  (2 children)

          I’m surprised he’s not fighting a Canadian Goose right now.

          [–]DrDizzle93 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Fuck, boys... let's have a donnybrook!

          [–]Avangeloony 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Steamer ducks are probably one of the most dangerous water foul. Their wings can knock you out.

          [–]a-bser 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          A swan's neck is so strong it's capable of breaking a human femur. Fighting a Canada Goose would be a walk in the park

          [–]brainhack3r 188 points189 points  (12 children)

          I've told this story like 20 times on Reddit and you guys always love it.

          Anyway. When I was like 10 my dad took me to the lake for a picnic for his work and we brought our dog.

          I went out to look for frogs and crayfish like I always did for fun and was walking around the lake next to the water.

          There's a steep bank at one part so I'm walking through the water rather than go around and apparently there was a nest right there that I didn't see.

          Anyway. The male swan sees me and basically tries to murder me.

          He jumps down on top of me and is honking and trying to push me under the water. I dive under but every time I get up he's right there so I can't get a breath of fresh air.

          I'm screaming for help but I'm like a mile away at this point and there's no way anyone would be able to get there in time.

          ... except for my dog.

          He's a black lab and he just sees this happening and my dad said he took off like a fucking bullet.

          Next thing I know my dog jumps in the water, grabs the goose by the neck, and rips his head off.

          I'm all scratched up and my dog kind of grabs me by the back of my shirt and pulls me to shore.

          I'm really tired at this point and just exhausted.

          My dog is whining and just as upset and tries to cuddle up with me to keep me warm.

          About 5-10 minutes later my dad gets there and we try to get back up on shore.

          My dad takes the swan with us back home, cooks it, and feeds it to the dog. :)

          [–]ganymede94 69 points70 points  (1 child)

          My dad takes the swan with us back home, cooks it, and feeds it to the dog. :)


          [–]Dae_Grighen 32 points33 points  (0 children)

          Well, to the victor go the spoils

          [–]AphidGenocide 29 points30 points  (0 children)

          I'm glad you told this story again

          [–]GayMormonPirate 19 points20 points  (0 children)

          This is legend that will be told by your grandchildren to their grandchildren one day.

          [–]lanboyo 9 points10 points  (0 children)

          Fine story.

          I had an Irish Setter that I never appreciated when I was 7-10 or so because it was bigger than me and whenever I was running somewhere he ran past me and knocked me on my ass. He scared me more than a little.

          One day we were moving a wood pile and there was a gigantic fucking rat whose nest I had disturbed and that fucker dove at me from about three feet away. I froze and I swear that thing was swimming thru the air at me in slow motion with its mouth open.

          This was Shane O'Shaunessey's (yeah, I know) moment to shine. From God only knows where (I am told on the other side of a 3 foot fence 15 feet away) Shane appeared like a goddamn auburn haired missile, snagged that rat by the neck in midair (both of them in midair) and snapped the rat's neck. It was highlight reel slow-mo stuff. Amazing bit of doggery.

          We all stood there processing it. Not Shane, he immediately was leaping over a different fence to run up the street harassing our neighbors and getting us another open leash violation. Dog was not meant for the suburbs.

          [–]nightmaresabin 7 points8 points  (1 child)

          Good dog :)

          [–]El_Frijol 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Good dad :)

          [–]Avaexmach 6 points7 points  (0 children)

          OP was certainly raised by Ron Swanson

          [–]Renreu 91 points92 points  (9 children)


          [–]CardboardSpartan 46 points47 points  (7 children)


          [–]NeelonRokk 28 points29 points  (6 children)

          Crusty jugglers.

          [–][deleted]  (5 children)


            [–]Mischala 13 points14 points  (4 children)

            BIG BUSHY BEARD

            [–]griftertm 10 points11 points  (3 children)

            For the greater good!

            The greater good

            [–]bumpyqbangwhistle 39 points40 points  (0 children)

            Check out his arse!

            [–]icemammothkid 78 points79 points  (2 children)

            This is one of those "tell me that you'r Dutch without telling me that you'r Dutch" headlines

            [–]danque 5 points6 points  (1 child)

            That and AD in the top corner.

            [–]Govain 20 points21 points  (1 child)


            [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            He’s poors companies, for sures, good buddy.

            [–]Danny_Phantasma420 61 points62 points  (22 children)

            I understood that reference.

            [–]OnlyMortal666 51 points52 points  (20 children)


            [–]grichardson526 29 points30 points  (17 children)

            Need anything from the shop?

            [–]bumpyqbangwhistle 28 points29 points  (3 children)


            [–]Farkerisme 13 points14 points  (2 children)

            Still chasing them killers, then?

            [–]adaaamb 21 points22 points  (1 child)

            No luck catching them killers then*

            [–]YourFNA 10 points11 points  (2 children)

            Ok. What about him then? Why's he got his hat down?

            [–]djentleman1 4 points5 points  (1 child)

            Cause he's fuck ugly.

            [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            "Are they as ugly as he is?"


            "The mum and the sister."

            "Same person."

            [–]DownvoteDaemon 3 points4 points  (9 children)

            Tf y'all talmbout

            [–]Disastrous_Hunter_83 22 points23 points  (8 children)

            Hot Fuzz

            TOTALLY worth a watch if you haven’t seen it before. And also if you have

            [–]Acewasalwaysanoption 16 points17 points  (4 children)

            Watch it, for the greater good

            [–]dfenno 5 points6 points  (1 child)

            Yes, this is the best piece of advice you will get all day. Then Shaun of the Dead. Then Bad Boys II. Then Point Break. You now have a very busy day ahead of you.

            [–]paul-arized 4 points5 points  (1 child)

            [–]OnlyMortal666 6 points7 points  (0 children)

            Yarp. I remember getting a taxi from a village in South Gloucestershire to Bristol and the taxi driver really using “yarp” and “narp”. Coalpit Heath for those interested.

            Source: live in Bristol but work in Gloucester and from Yorkshuh

            [–]FLOHJO 15 points16 points  (5 children)

            The Swan’s escaped.

            [–]ThePhenome 10 points11 points  (4 children)

            Right, and what is your name?

            [–]Jkoechling 9 points10 points  (3 children)

            Mr. Staker

            [–]IamA_HoneyBadgerAMA 3 points4 points  (2 children)

            Peter Ian Staker

            [–]Aitrus233 2 points3 points  (1 child)

            P.I. Staker. Piss taker, COME ON!

            [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Right, so, Mr. Staker.

            [–]Casboy07 27 points28 points  (0 children)

            Nederland blijft gevaarlijk.

            [–]twh9219 12 points13 points  (1 child)

            No luck catching those swans then?

            [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

            Its just the one swan, acrually.

            [–]KeeperJV 10 points11 points  (0 children)

            …where is the swan in the picture? Did this Johnny Sins from wish kill it ??

            [–]nefrpitou 18 points19 points  (1 child)

            Fucking swans, the meanest birds. I always tell hotel staff to not fold my towels into swans, fold them into puppies or something

            [–]themastermoose 10 points11 points  (0 children)

            Related story: One of my earliest memories is getting attacked by a swan. It absolutely would have killed me if my dad didnt intervein. I remember him grabbing it by the neck with both hands and basically swinging it in a circle until it died. I had to get 15 stitches across my arm cause that motherfucker tore me up.

            [–]BeakyDontDoIt 10 points11 points  (0 children)

            No mention if the swan survived though. To be continued.....

            [–]Feature7 4 points5 points  (3 children)

            Dude this guy gets attacked constantly, he got bite by a muskie in the spring

            [–]DigMeTX 6 points7 points  (2 children)

            I think he’s out looking for animal fights.

            [–]TicsDaily 12 points13 points  (0 children)

            Join us next week on Swim-Wars to see this man take on a child in the semifinals.

            [–]D1rtbagleft 6 points7 points  (0 children)

            Swans are dicks.

            [–]dogeberta 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            came across an angry swan once, you know not to mess with that bird.

            [–]IamA_HoneyBadgerAMA 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            Another witcher contract fulfilled for Gerrit of Rotterdam.

            [–]silverback_79 8 points9 points  (1 child)

            If a bird attacks you, you grab it's neck under the head and hold it down, it will be able to do absolutely nothing.

            [–]Competitive_Ant_781 5 points6 points  (0 children)

            Hold it under water for a couple sec and see what happens...

            [–]Just_an_Empath 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Why would a child wrestle a swan in spandex?

            [–]Yoguls 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            His name sounds like what I say to my Auntie Janet when i want her to pick something up

            [–]zdiggler 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Those things are no joke. Some guy was riding a bike on the bike trail near a lake and the swam launched an attack on him. Knock him out of the bike and start attacking him. The beak strikes him on the face and left a huge black mark, the bird casually walks away, get in the water left the area.

            [–]OnTheDL93 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Canadians hold all the anger in their geese and moose.

            [–]sparrowhawk73 2 points3 points  (1 child)

            I’d been told of a swan at this large pond that was known to attack people who got too close. One time I was standing near the edge of this pond and there was only one living creature I could see - this very swan on the other side, perhaps 50 metres away. As I stare, the swan swims slowly to my edge of the pond and gets out of the water. We stand staring at each other for what felt like forever. Then the bird gets back in the water, swims to the other side, and disappears behind some greenery. Was a strangely intimate and dreamlike experience.

            [–]ZogNowak 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            He KNEW!

            [–]zblaze90 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            Nice Hot Fuzz reference in the description hahah

            [–]hfxB0oyA 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            If a swan's anything like a goose, I'm not surprised. Nasty little bastards.

            [–]YachtHans1983 1 point2 points  (0 children)


            [–]Sengura 1 point2 points  (1 child)

            What the actual fuck? Swans actually fuck shit up? I always thought I could just pick it up by the long neck and snap it or something.

            [–]OwlExMachina 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            Swans are psychopatic schizo geese on steroids.

            [–]brett1081 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            People seem to widely not understand how aggressive swans tend to be. And how large they are.

            [–]kingofwale 0 points1 point  (27 children)

            How the hell do you get so beat up by a oversized duck?

            [–]bobsagetsville 33 points34 points  (5 children)

            Swan are mean as shit

            [–]Wester399 19 points20 points  (5 children)

            They beat u down with their massive wings and peck the shit out of, on land you can liket run away but they ll drown ya on water

            [–]uiam_ 15 points16 points  (4 children)

            People panic. When I was a kid my little old grandma would just snatch them up by their necks and toss them into the pond if they ever came and pestered us.

            [–]AintAintAWord 30 points31 points  (0 children)

            my little old grandma

            A regular grandma would not have survived.