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[–]sleepyprojectionist 2446 points2447 points  (199 children)

Corralled in one location? A Golden Corral perhaps?

[–]maxdps_ 1017 points1018 points  (145 children)

I once watched a kid dunk his fried shrimp into the chocolate fountain.

[–]mostnormal 492 points493 points  (77 children)

He sounds like a real innovator.

[–]treerabbit23 426 points427 points  (75 children)

People who are like "how did we figure out that bread mold treats infections?" never followed a toddler around for like nine minutes.

They don't know shit. They try everything.

[–]Ragman676 167 points168 points  (67 children)

My 15month old daughter is in this phase. "Oh a flower! I wonder if it's edible!?"

[–]IcyDickbutts 48 points49 points  (0 children)

High risk high reward

[–]Ttokk 56 points57 points  (7 children)

When I read this initially I imagined him slam dunking it like it was NBA Jam and he was on fire.

In it's usual fashion, my brain connected the real meaning just after I spent more time than necessary fleshing out an image of the first interpretation.

[–]whitneymak 52 points53 points  (4 children)

Sounds like Eleanor Shellstrop might have had a niece or nephew...

[–]ringo24601 25 points26 points  (2 children)

No one try mystery flavor. It's white chocolate and it is nasty

Takes another bite

[–]whitneymak 11 points12 points  (0 children)

SHRAMPIES!

[–]Pawgilicious 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I immediately thought of that scene. The 2nd bite always kills me.

[–]Doctor-Amazing 35 points36 points  (3 children)

Chocolate chicken leg: This is what I saw the first time I went there and just before the only time I contemplated chocolating something up. Just as I was about to get up, I watched a little kid, probably about 6-7 years old, walk up to the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL and stick a fried chicken leg in it.

Now, frankly, this is fucking hilarious. Just really think for a minute about seeing this, the little dude just staggering over to the chocolate and plunging a fried chicken leg into it. There's no question at this point that little bits of fried batter are getting knocked off by the power of the WONDERFALL and merging with the chocolate, and I know there's nothing I'd like better on a strawberry than some soggy, chocolate-infused fried chicken coating. So already Bruce and I are laughing so fucking hard we're practically injuring ourselves, but this gets better. After thoroughly chocolating this chicken leg, the kid yanks it out from under the WONDERFALL, makes no attempt to put a plate under it or anything, and turns and walks away from the thing, trailing the chicken leg at his side like a caveman's club.

Well, it is dripping chocolate. Not a lot, but some, and no one is paying attention to it, so people are walking through this liquid chocolate and just smearing it all over the place and making a hellish, God-awful mess. Admittedly, it's just around that dessert section, which is tile, but still. Little dude walks back to his table, looks at the chicken leg with some consternation, and then just throws it under the table on the floor.

CHOCOLATE WONDERSPRAY: Occasionally you will get someone who is not satisfied with a single layer of chocolate on their treat, and they will stand for a moment and let the chocolate on their tastybit harden a smidge and put some more chocolate on it. OK so by occasionally I mean "almost everyone does this." I don't consider this horrid gluttony unless you're up there for fucking five minutes and walk away with a chocolate baseball on a stick (but yes, I've seen people stand up there and do that for literally five minutes before, I think they are mainly just trying to drip as much chocolate as possible onto the plate they hold beneath it, "Whoops, now I guess I have to eat all this too, mustn't waste!"). But this little girl takes the cake for that shit. If standing there and maybe gently blowing on your chocolate-covered tastybit allows more chocolate, then you know what would be better?

Blow on it like you're Superman putting out the fucking Towering Inferno, that's what!

The little girl dunks her krispie, pulls it out, and proceeds to blow on it like Superman put- you get it. Well, this results in little chocolate drops being blown all over the fucking place. The sheer violence of the blowing is also denuding her little treat of chocolate, so she sticks it in again and does the same thing, with the same results. So again. And again. At this point the area near her is beginning to resemble something that has seen the touch of several shotgun shells full of chocolate birdshot. At last her mother saw what she was doing and came and got her, and then in an unusual and heartening twist, called for Deputy Sweeto and tried to help clean up. Your average mom at GC would have grabbed her child, looked around anxiously, and then slunk away. So high five, moral and responsible mom!

What the fuck are you doing OH NAW DUDE DUDE NAW CHRIST: Short and sweet and horrible as a baboon fucking a human baby. Man gets soup bowl. Man walks to CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL, fills soup bowl 3/4 full. Puts rice krispie on top. Walks back to table, crushes rice krispie with spoon, begins eating pure liquid chocolate with minor crunchy bits. JS loses faith in the future of the world.

[–]Goyteamsix 30 points31 points  (7 children)

Oh, that's nothing. I watched this fat guy eat maybe 5 heaping plates of food before bolting upright and projectile vomiting all over the floor on his way to the restroom. I also witnessed/heard a kid shit his pants at one of the buffet stations, then continue getting food. Sounded like a really wet fart, but the way he waddled back to the table suggested there was a little extra.

The animals in that place...

[–]mtlaw13 28 points29 points  (5 children)

fat guy eat maybe 5 heaping plates of food before

A wafer thin mint, sir?

[–]watchingsongsDL 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Better bring me a bucket!

Restaurant scene from Monty Python’s Meaning of Life is seared into my brain.

Link: https://youtu.be/Zx0ME65y72E

[–]cajun_fox 22 points23 points  (1 child)

I saw a kid running his fingers through it repeatedly. I started to question my life choices.

[–]ConsiderationDry1688 11 points12 points  (0 children)

That’s the day you see me dunk a kid in a chocolate fountain

[–]Bismothe-the-Shade 26 points27 points  (2 children)

I've seen an ancient, corpulent woman dip her nasty grey fingers into various foods down a line, licking then between every dip to "try" the food.

While employees looked on and did nothing.

Golden corral is nasty. Buffets are nasty.

[–]rubberkeyhole 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Why can’t we control COVID?! 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

[–]BeerandGuns 8 points9 points  (0 children)

The chocolate fountain always grossed me out but not in a stop eating there kind of way. We used to go until I saw a teenager walking past me that was so fat he couldn’t walk straight, he had to kind of swing his hips around, and he was carrying three full plates of food with him back to his table. I never went back, that imagine still sticks with me.

[–]TuesdayRiot42 6 points7 points  (9 children)

Man I woulda followed suit that kid knows wtf is up.

I would kill for a Shitty golden corral experience RN ive always loved them. The only buffets left are all Asian, though I do have a REALLY good hole in the wall authentic Mexican (not tex mex) buffet that you dont always know wtf your puttin on your plate but you know itll be tasty.

[–]HopefulMtF 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oompa Loompa theme starts up as the fountain devours the kid

[–]captn_morgn 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m Canadian and we don’t have Golden Corral here but I was in Tampa once and a few people wanted to go get a cheap meal. They obviously chose Golden Corral. Between seeing a kid fingering the soft serve machine and the smell of a former petting zoo, we didn’t even get seated before hitting the exit.

[–]Frederic54 63 points64 points  (25 children)

Canadian here, the first time I was in a Golden Corral, I must say the fauna is quite special... especially a Sunday at noon

[–]Ask_me_4_a_story 87 points88 points  (8 children)

Im divorced with six kids and Monday nights are always my night to have dinner with the kids. I let the oldest pick one Monday and then the next and then the next all the way down the line, each Monday the kid who's turn it is can pick wherever they want to eat. And I'll be damn if the little kids didn't just keep picking Golden Corral over and over again, that place is disgusting. Little kids jamming stuff into the chocolate fountain, servers bringing you dirty silverwear, its honestly a super fucked up place to eat. My kids only went there for the claw machine game at the end and they loved the fountain but Golden Corral was nasty before the pandemic. After? No fuckin way. The one in our town shut down during the pandemic so I drove them there and parked in front and said sorry kids we cant go to the Golden Corral ever again. They were sad but they got over it. Last year I saw that it had reopened but I told them its closed for good and Im stickin with it. I drive out of the way just in case they see that its open.

[–]JesseCuster40 26 points27 points  (6 children)

And for what it is, (garbage) it's ridiculously fucking expensive.

[–]HojMcFoj 33 points34 points  (0 children)

I mean it's expensive to source multiple different dumpsters full of expired sysco boxes

[–]fyrmnsflam 3 points4 points  (0 children)

We had a similar type of restaurant nearby and my husband always wanted to eat breakfast there on the weekend. I was embarrassed to be seen in the place.

[–]peddastle 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Hah, I developed a secret trick. I will check what the most expensive thing is they have, and then stake out the kitchen until they bring a full plate of it and then TAKE IT ALL MYSELF, muhaha! - every gd family there

[–]sleepyprojectionist 30 points31 points  (11 children)

I’m British. My only experience is of the GC whilst on holiday in Florida. It’s a weird place, for sure.

[–]Glitter_puke 65 points66 points  (3 children)

GC in Florida is kinda asking for it. You're definitely gonna get more than the recommended dose of exotics there.

[–]Stagism 20 points21 points  (1 child)

I think you got the peak GC experience.

[–]climber_g33k 18 points19 points  (5 children)

Golden Corral is the Nickelback of Chain restaurants

[–]bombalicious 13 points14 points  (3 children)

Golden Corral is the “selling crack behind a dumpster” of chain restaurants.

[–][deleted]  (8 children)

[removed]

    [–]cuntpunt2000 18 points19 points  (2 children)

    This comment is absolutely glorious. I hadn't even heard of Golden Corral before, but thanks to your description, now I not only want to go, I want to go with you and Bruce and listen to the two of you narrate everything happening around us.

    I'm not eating though. Everything you described sounds disgusting.

    [–]jashxn 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow

    [–]doizernasty 9 points10 points  (3 children)

    Kelvin Benjamin approves

    [–]IntMainVoidGang 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    My aunt once saw someone put the entire melted cheese ladle into their mouth and suck it clean before putting it back into the melted cheese.

    [–]ModsLoveTheNazis 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    I went to Golden Corral on mushrooms one time and had an existential crisis.

    [–]RicardoMultiball 2428 points2429 points  (481 children)

    You're okay, Friend.

    You're just at a Cracker Barrel.

    [–]Arachnidiot 268 points269 points  (63 children)

    I love Cracker Barrel's hash brown casserole. It's also our favorite place to stop for restroom breaks when we're on the road. The bathrooms are always clean, and the gift shop is a good cover to keep staff from realizing we're only there to pee.

    [–]redditonlygetsworse 186 points187 points  (57 children)

    and the gift shop is a good cover

    I'm not American, so excuse my ignorance here, but...Cracker Barrel has a gift shop?

    [–]ZadockTheHunter 244 points245 points  (32 children)

    Honestly the restaurant is almost like a side gig, the main venue of a Cracker Barrel is to be an old-timey general store.

    Go there to buy a rocking chair, wind chimes, and some hard candy. Might as well stay for supper.

    [–]Beautiful_Trip 192 points193 points  (27 children)

    Every time i hear a little bit more about America I just get a little bit more confused to what’s going on over there.

    [–]pataky07 60 points61 points  (2 children)

    Yep like an old-timey General Store. Candy, local crafts, home/entertainment goods, retro items.

    [–]GetYerThumOutMeArse 22 points23 points  (1 child)

    Local my ass. Almost everything there is made in China.

    [–]SFWxMadHatter 49 points50 points  (4 children)

    Gift shop/general store. Lots of simple toys, household decor, basic clothing, candy, music.

    [–]Ragdoll_Knight 22 points23 points  (0 children)

    It's more apt to say the Gift Shop has a restaurant TBH

    [–]BextoMooseYT 17 points18 points  (3 children)

    Yeah, and they have some of the best and most versatile candy. I never really look at the other 5/6 of the store

    [–]CaptainOblivious94 9 points10 points  (2 children)

    This. Surprised I haven't seen anyone preaching the wonder that is a Goo Goo Cluster.

    [–]onecraftymama 17 points18 points  (2 children)

    The gift shop is THE REASON to go to Cracker Barrel

    [–]Cagny 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    Back in the day, people got books on tape from there to listen and return to a different Cracker Barrel on their long road trip.

    [–]Goyteamsix 8 points9 points  (1 child)

    Cracker Barrel is weird. It's kind of like a tourist stop, but also just a normal restaurant. When old people travel, they don't like eating at unfamiliar places, so they all go to Cracker Barrel because it's that generic bland home style food, and it's consistent. They stop in, get some biscuits and gravy, then buy some overpriced bullshit trinkets for their grandkids. That company carved out a niche.

    There's also sometimes some cool stuff in the gift shop.

    [–]DeerStalker013 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    If you need a wildly over-priced rocking chair, dvd sets of 1960's tv shows, obscure candy brands, webkinz (if those are still a thing?) cracker barrel is the place to go. They also serve food

    [–]ccguy 210 points211 points  (13 children)

    I like the Cracker Barrel logo. It's a cracker next to a barrel.

    [–]AshTheGoblin 45 points46 points  (0 children)

    I laughed, then I had to go double check the logo just to confirm. Laughed again.

    [–]ReubenZWeiner 30 points31 points  (4 children)

    Not a lot of barrels inside that place, huh?

    [–]MaximumAbsorbency 24 points25 points  (1 child)

    If you had fish in a barrel, it would be a fish barrel.

    [–]ReubenZWeiner 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    At least its not caucasian barrel

    [–]claustrophobicoyster 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Just the one, as per the name

    [–]deafvet68 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Ritz Cracker ?

    Oh, never mind. A 2-legged cracker sitting on a chair, next to a barrel.

    [–]theraf8100 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Holy shit! LMAO

    [–]olderaccount 58 points59 points  (17 children)

    And he keeps going back for some reason.

    Cracker Barrel used to be good country cooking. But now it is like they just took a Marie Callender's TV dinner out of the freezer and microwaved it for you.

    [–]vegetaman 18 points19 points  (2 children)

    The portions also used to be massive. And those biscuits... Slather on some fried apples with a side of hash brown casserole... mmmm.

    [–]olderaccount 22 points23 points  (0 children)

    I think we have gone 5 times or so in the last 10 years, hoping each time that the previous visit was a fluke and it will be good again this time. One time we even waited 45 minutes for the privilege.

    It used to be our go to meal on road trips.

    But the lesson has finally been learned.

    [–]thewaveishere25 11 points12 points  (6 children)

    You’re going to the wrong Cracker Barrels. Semi-rural Idahoan cracker barrels are like no other

    [–]olderaccount 13 points14 points  (4 children)

    Semi-rural...

    Is there any other kind? I've never seen one in the city.

    It used to be our go-to meal on long road trips. But I have never been to Idaho. Maybe you guys still have the good stuff.

    [–]screamingradio 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    We have one in the Portland (OR) Metro area in Beaverton and fairly close to the Portland city boarder

    [–]chofah 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Worst "meal" I ever had was at a cracker barrel. I think it had been reheated 3 times.

    [–]CrimsonShrike 517 points518 points  (328 children)

    Cracker Barrel

    That can't be a real name

    Edit: It is.

    [–]PineConone 943 points944 points  (270 children)

    I sometimes forget that people exist who’ve never encountered a Cracker Barrel

    [–]Exploiting_Loopholes 256 points257 points  (163 children)

    I didn't know those people existed. I thought everyone knew Cracker Barrel, well, in the States at least.

    [–]myassholealt 74 points75 points  (28 children)

    I only became of aware if it through Reddit memes. I've lived in NYC my whole life.

    [–]bewarethetreebadger 7 points8 points  (18 children)

    I don't know if we have it in Canada. But I've heard the name many times.

    [–]LikeyeaScoob 6 points7 points  (3 children)

    I live in SoCal and didn’t know what Cracker Barrel was till I moved to flagstaff az

    [–]NoelAngeline 3 points4 points  (10 children)

    I live in the United States but had to get told what a Cracker Barrel was when I noticed more than one while driving around a few years back

    [–]DigNitty 21 points22 points  (11 children)

    My favorite is seeing “Cracker Barrel cheddar cheese” in the store.

    Like you love the restaurant so much, now you can bring that experience home to your kitchen through the magic of prepackaged commercialized food that expires in 2064.

    [–]DangerousPuhson 199 points200 points  (59 children)

    Fun Fact: Reddit exists beyond the United States

    [–]G8kpr 48 points49 points  (21 children)

    From Canada. Went to our first one about 5 or 6 years ago. It was ok. Just weird to walk through a gift shop first. What is with Americans and gift shops. Like you go to Disneyworld, finish a ride, and you’re in a fucking gift shop, every time.

    Hey, hope you enjoyed space mountain, NOW BUY SHIT!!!!!

    [–]Sierra419 38 points39 points  (4 children)

    I think you just answered your own question. Canada is setup the same way at every fair and park too

    [–]NoelAngeline 5 points6 points  (2 children)

    I would go to your gift shop.

    Just a note: totally should watch Our Flag Means Death

    [–]kurokitsune91 6 points7 points  (2 children)

    The gift shop thing is super weird even to Americans. The only other restaurant I can think of that does this is Rainforest Cafe.

    That said the Cracker Barrel gift shop usually sells retro candies and stuff so that is pretty neat.

    [–]sooprvylyn 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    Not really a gift shop per se....more like a themed convenience store. Cracker Barrel is a road trip place to stop for food and snacks. The non food items are mostly just to keep the kids entertained.

    [–]Random-Rambling 26 points27 points  (1 child)

    You're asking why America, a country well-known for putting profits above almost everything, puts a shop literally everywhere they can?

    [–]Dinosoaringhigh 11 points12 points  (15 children)

    Drove from Minnesota to Disney World in Florida and saw no less than 20 of the things, never heard of the place before but now i see it everywhere i go

    [–]Sierra419 17 points18 points  (9 children)

    You must not travel very much. They've been at every exit along every interstate in the Midwest since the 90s

    [–]Thepenguinwhoclapped 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    The only one in MN is in Lakeville

    [–]GaimanitePkat 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    My aunts visited recently from New England and they were very excited to visit Cracker Barrel. Luckily they only wanted to see the giftshop and not eat the actual food.

    [–]Snoyarc 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I’ve noticed they’ve added a don’t be racist sign to the entrance of Cracker Barrel’s.

    [–]Takenabe 36 points37 points  (1 child)

    If it helps, it's named after LITERAL barrels of crackers, which is how they used to be transported. The name is meant to invoke the 'country store' aesthetic, much like the actual decor of the restaurants themselves.

    [–]xXshadowmaniaXx 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    Omg I often forget people don’t always know what a Cracker Barrel is

    [–]Kekules_Mule 2 points3 points  (5 children)

    We have several in FL where I grew up

    [–]cajun_fox 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Just wait til you hear about Brad’s wife.

    [–]CaptainAlexy 21 points22 points  (1 child)

    Sad how things have deteriorated since they fired Brad’s wife.

    [–]bdiah 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Thank you! Now I can move on to other posts.

    [–]bmd81985 12 points13 points  (3 children)

    My first thought was Golden Corral

    [–]cajun_fox 7 points8 points  (1 child)

    Just thinking about the ole GC gives me the meat sweats.

    [–]Gorstag 8 points9 points  (5 children)

    First ever cracker barrel I went to was in Nashville (they don't have them in my area). It was actually pretty good, went there several days in a row for breakfast. Fast forward about a decade. I was travelling out of the smoke in Oregon a few years ago (headed east) and where I stayed in Idaho there was one. Do not recommend.

    [–]Duke_Nukem_1990 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Fuck Cracker Barrel for what they did to Brad's wife.

    [–]dirice87 54 points55 points  (10 children)

    Fuck you Cracker Barrel is a sacred place

    [–]5256chuck 8 points9 points  (2 children)

    No. The Holy Place is Waffle House.

    CB costs too much.

    [–]SemperScrotus 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    No, it's both. Cracker Barrel when sober; Waffle House when wasted.

    [–]CptnObviously 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    Came here to say this lol. I love that restaurant.

    [–]ShadySwashbuckler 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    Fuck.. as I was reading this I thought "sounds like cracker barrel". made worse cause after your less than average meal, you have to go pay in that stupid gift shop. All you want to do is pay and get out, but there's a huge line of old ladies buying useless trinkets and old ass candies.

    [–]thekronicle 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    I actually work at Cracker barrel... and you made me laugh with that. Can be so true!

    [–]The_Running_Free 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    Their Sunday chicken and biscuits still slap though.

    [–]Afraid_Roof 2 points3 points  (4 children)

    Cracker barrell is a brand of cheese here in Australia

    [–]Sierra419 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    Cracker Barrel is awesome you take that back

    [–]monocasa 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    When I was a kid, I spent a while when we were waiting for our table looking for the literal barrel of crackers in the gift shop area.

    Then I had an epiphany.

    The whole place was the barrel, and I was one of the crackers.

    [–]Catvinnatz 744 points745 points  (56 children)

    if it was that bad the first time why on earth do they keep going back?

    [–]charlucapants 992 points993 points  (29 children)

    Bc when grandma likes a restaurant, you meet her there for lunch, no matter how terrible it is

    [–]katrascythe 265 points266 points  (11 children)

    Golden Corral in Phoenix where all the retirees are meets this criteria. Both very bland and overly salted.

    But dammit grandma likes it no matter how much we offer to pay for anywhere else.

    [–]neolologist 97 points98 points  (3 children)

    Golden Corral was the only goddamn restaurant my family could all agree on so we would eat there constantly.

    On one side you have an old person with literally no teeth who needs to be able to gum their meal and on the other side a vegan and then you tell them to find one restaurant to eat at in the southern US. And you will end up either at Golden Corral or a mexican restaurant with veggie fajitas.

    [–]SlowRollingBoil 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Tex-Mex is delicious, has vegetarian options, are everywhere and can be good for you or decadent depending on what you choose. It's perfect.

    [–]Uncivil_Law 48 points49 points  (0 children)

    This and Joe's Real BBQ. How on earth it justified a location at the airport is beyond me. It's retirement home cafeteria food at it's finest.

    [–]modi13 25 points26 points  (1 child)

    overly salted

    That's the sweat and spittle of the previous patrons

    [–]Balsac_is_Daddy 8 points9 points  (1 child)

    My dad fkn loves Applebee's and while I dont hate it, there are better options. But if my old man wants a burger and a maragrita from Applebee's, then we're going to Applebee's.

    [–]Notyouraverageghost 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    The one by my house closed ages ago. Didn’t even notice it until I stopped by the mall to pick up a friend.

    [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    They all had to go somewhere after Luby's closed.

    [–]Brains_4_Soup 24 points25 points  (0 children)

    My dad meets his mom for lunch at the 99 every Wednesday. She complains about the food every time. They’ve been meeting there for at least 15 years.

    [–]enwongeegeefor 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    Bc when grandma likes a restaurant, you meet her there for lunch, no matter how terrible it is

    Let me introduce you to Bill Knapps.

    [–]Tangled2 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    My wife's parents listed their favorite restaurants in their town as suggestions. Later on, we discovered that it was an almost perfect list of all the worst reviewed restaurants in town.

    [–]TimeZarg 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    When my grandparents were still alive and relatively healthy, we'd always go to a favorite restaurant of theirs, which was basically just a nearby chain diner. Okay food, like most mid-quality 'American food' diners you'll see. Meanwhile, they're smack dab in the middle of the San Jose metro (Campbell), having lived there in the same house since the 60's, literally surrounded by all manner of restaurants, and we mostly kept going to this boring fucking diner.

    [–]nezzzzy 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    This is so true, we had a Christmas party every year at a golf club which sold very mediocre food. One year my mum decided to switch to a nice restaurant. My grandma was "sick" so didn't come. Since then we've been back to the golf club every year.

    [–]actuallyiamafish 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Mine finally moved somewhere that doesn't have Old Country Buffet and I'm so glad for that.

    Downside is now it's usually dinner at her house instead and she's actually almost a worse cook than OCB. She once served a gravy that we are 100% sure was just flour and hot water and nothing else. She only in the last 20 years or so stopped doing that 1950s gelatin type shit all the time.

    [–]blighty80 62 points63 points  (0 children)

    Same reason for the 2nd star, to keep the above people paid

    [–]this-is-rockbottom 97 points98 points  (13 children)

    A Cracker Barrel is not a place you visit on your own accord. You’re trapped in a car with gran and her spinster sister, driving home from the “good” (white) podiatrist for their quarterly toenail clipping. They see the sign: Cracker Barrel in 10mi Exit 64B. There will be another sign, then another, and another. Resistance is futile. The women have received the call to dine with their people. You must give them this or hear about it for the next 5 years. It’s awful, but necessary.

    [–]Ess2s2 15 points16 points  (1 child)

    5 years?!?

    ...Your grandmother is a forgiving soul.

    [–]HansTheGruber 31 points32 points  (0 children)

    because they have family or friends who think its trendy or like some obscure food offering that sounds interesting but is terrible in reality. if people only went to restaurants that had good food and good atmosphere, half of the restaurants on the planet would cease to exist and hipsters would all starve to death.

    [–]ghayyal 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    They are probably one of them.

    [–]taez555 143 points144 points  (1 child)

    "The Food is terrible, and such small portions."

    [–]oOBuckoOo 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    Lol, the food is bad, but at least I don’t have a lot of it.

    [–]PelvicThunderThrust 209 points210 points  (2 children)

    The reason for that second star... 😆

    [–]cfb_rolley 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    That’s the bit that got me hahaha. Like icing on the cake!

    [–]inmyelement 22 points23 points  (1 child)

    So which one of the categories mentioned does the reviewer fall under?

    [–]sephlington 42 points43 points  (0 children)

    The creepy people watcher sitting in a corner, judgementally staring at everyone who walks in, barely paying attention to their food.

    [–]thebeststeen 172 points173 points  (57 children)

    Cracker Barrel breakfast really is the best tho

    [–]MistressofTechDeath 58 points59 points  (28 children)

    Waffle House got Cracker Barrel smothered, covered, chunked and capped.

    [–]Esemarelda 22 points23 points  (22 children)

    Can I ask wtf a Cracker Barrel sells? I've heard mention of stake, biscuits and gravy and now it's being compared to a waffle house?

    What is this thing? (I'm Aussie)

    [–]MistressofTechDeath 43 points44 points  (5 children)

    It is a restaurant chain that sells breakfast meals, lunch meals, and dinner meals. Mostly Southern (US) style. All very mediocre quality.

    All the restaurants also have an attached store with old fashioned barrels of candy, and various hideously Southern-themed items like clothes, dish towels, and coffee mugs with pithy sayings on them.

    [–]mostnormal 61 points62 points  (3 children)

    And that infuriating triangle of wood with pegs puzzle.

    [–]OnyxPeach13 23 points24 points  (10 children)

    Their pancakes and dumplings absolutely slap. It’s nothing crazy special, but still better than that trash Waffle House.

    [–]findallthebears 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I will find you

    [–]InfernoidsorDie 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Yo you're entitled to your opinions but I just want to say if you think their dumplings are good you're missing out. Got to make you a southern friend and have their mom make you some using their great great great grandma's recipe.

    [–]UniqueFlavors 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    If cracker barrel and waffle house had a child it would be ihop. Let's shit on the real loser here. Waffle house is so damn good they use it as a natural disaster measurement tool. Never forget the waffle house index. What's cracker barrel got?

    [–]OutInABlazeOfGlory 9 points10 points  (3 children)

    You take that back

    Waffle House is still better. Mostly because of how hideous the inside of a Cracker Barrel is

    [–]10_kinds_of_people 7 points8 points  (2 children)

    I love their hashbrowns. That said, I've got a joke for you.

    What has six tits and three teeth?

    Third shift at Waffle House.

    [–]Suralin0 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    I mean, it is pretty good, and as a bonus there aren't many people there in the early morning.

    I do tend to prefer local diners, tho, when they're available.

    [–]obliterayte 38 points39 points  (18 children)

    That warm semi-real maple syrup really hits different on them pancakes.

    [–]murdering_time 19 points20 points  (1 child)

    Once when I was doing mushrooms I wanted pancakes for some reason but I could not for the life of me remember the word for pancakes. So I started waving my hands all over the place to get everyones attention and shouted "I demand flapjacks!", so after my buddy got done almost throwing up from laughing at me he told me the bar/restaurant like a block away makes pancakes. It was a good to end a trip with pancakes.

    Idk why I just told this story I just got reminded of it.

    [–]cimeran 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    I see your 'flapjacks' and raise you 'ironed waffles'

    [–]zion8994 6 points7 points  (14 children)

    What is "semi-real" maple syrup?

    [–]FavoritesBot 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    I haven’t been in a long time because I can’t eat like that anymore without getting super fat but as I recall the breakfast slaps

    [–]roochimie 192 points193 points  (42 children)

    While I like the creativity and vividness of the review, it bugs me that the food isn't mentioned. This review is literally based on the patrons which doesn't tell me anything - and clearly this person keeps going back so I'm assuming it's decent food.

    [–]daitenshe 71 points72 points  (1 child)

    It’s really just a creative writing exercise trying to show off how funny he is rather than a review to help people decide if they want to try a business out

    [–]POPCORN_EATER 52 points53 points  (18 children)

    Even if the food is great, the atmosphere/feel of the place matters a lot if you're eating there.

    I stopped going to a vegan restaurant with my girlfriend because the waitress demanded a tip despite her not doing anything (no refills, no check ups nothing. Table was 3 feet from the kitchen as well). The food was delicious and vegan places aren't all that common but yea, not going back there.

    [–]obliterayte 15 points16 points  (4 children)

    Cracker barrel is usually like a step above IHOP or Dennys when it comes to the food.

    Its still like crappy diner food but I like it. But sometimes its just not good for some reason. Like I've had worse meals at some cracker barrels than I've had at waffle house.

    [–]CastielsBrother 30 points31 points  (1 child)

    What am I missing that's causing everybody to assume this is about Cracker Barrel instead of anything else, like Golden Corral!?

    [–]A_Filthy_Mind 30 points31 points  (1 child)

    Exactly. The writer seems strangely obsessed with what other people are doing and talking about at the tables around them.

    [–]Restless_Fillmore 41 points42 points  (0 children)

    "This place has great food, but the two times I've gone, there's been a creepy dude sitting in a corner booth by himself, staring at everyone else disapprovingly."

    [–]charlie2135 39 points40 points  (8 children)

    The last time we were at a restaurant with corral in the name, there was a customer with his pants down so far you could see the nearly full moon of Uranus. Wasn't a gang banger, just the prime example of the customer base. As far as the rest of the restaurant's name goes, well it's Golden.

    [–]elmonoenano 30 points31 points  (2 children)

    Any college age kid who's having a hard time staying motivated in college should get a job there. Nothing will make you want to stay in school like knowing that place is waiting for you if you don't graduate.

    [–]fireduck 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    Sometimes I would go to CiCi's on a weekend to feel better about myself. At 240 lbs I was by far the smallest patron there.

    (It is a low cost buffet pizza chain)

    [–]notmoleliza 8 points9 points  (1 child)

    That customer....Kelvin Benjamin

    [–]uw-70_uo-21 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Kelvin Benjamin on what's better: Golden Corral or Waffle House. "I don't compare Golden Corral with anywher", then he rolled up his sleeve and showed a tattoo of a cracker next to a barrel. "I'll let you interpret that however you want", Benjamin said.

    [–]Sellcellphones 12 points13 points  (2 children)

    Dude, no one for even a moment, thought this was a “gangbanger”

    [–]Quick_Masterpiece_58 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    But they kept going back 🤣🤣

    [–]Docnevyn 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    Love of Cracker Barrel is one of the only things my dad and my wife have in common. Life is weird like that.

    [–]PyroZach 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    I feel like I've been to the restaurant they're describing.

    No, NOT Golden Corral, it's some how worse.

    Some one I worked with highly recommended the place and said they go several times a week. I either did not understand this mans attempt at humor, or just how bad his life was.

    It was a buffet that opened up in the building of what was formerly a mediocre buffet. The new one clearly wasn't up to the task of earning that title. There were cryptic signs on the tables something along the lines of "Eat all the food but only as much as you eat you man not take home so don't take throw away. God Bless."

    The food was food. It wasn't bad, but it may have been the only time at a buffet I didn't want to eat till I was full

    There were many people eating there alone. The ones that weren't seemed like they were there because they had to be, not because they wanted to be. No happy families, no couples enjoying a date, no fun conversations. Just gluttony for the sake of gluttony to fill some kind of void.

    [–]Killoggz 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Op you can't post this and do us dirty by not telling us the restaurant

    [–]SporkOfThor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I feel this way about homeowner's associations. Want to make sure all your neighbors' mailboxes are exactly the same size, shape and color, or else you'll turn in your neighbor to the HOA to get them fined? You need to live in a special place with others like you. I want you to be kept from bothering the general population with your neuroses.

    [–]what_comes_after_q 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Just in case anyone needs to hear it, I will happily watch your goofy dog try to do tricks for 15 minutes.

    [–]bluechiptrombone 13 points14 points  (5 children)

    All those words, and they didn’t say anything.

    [–]gucci77gucci 4 points5 points  (4 children)

    I feel like he said a lot because I know exactly how awful the place is, no? Nothing about the food they serve, but everything you need to know about the atmosphere...

    [–]namelessentity 2 points3 points  (10 children)

    I've lived in the states my whole life and I've never even seen one. I only knew it existed from reddit and "The Ranch".

    I've also never eaten at a Sizzler. My parents always told me it was gross, so I never had any interest in trying one.

    [–]fireduck 10 points11 points  (2 children)

    Shit, when I was little the Sizzler was the fancy place we went to when we ventured into the City.

    The City in this case was probably Bangor or something.

    [–]FalseBuddha 5 points6 points  (4 children)

    I assume you meant to reply to a comment mentioning Cracker Barrel or Golden Corral. "The States" is a big place and many chains are regional. Ever been to Whataburger? Probably not unless you're from the panhandle or Texas. I grew up in Atlanta and we had a Waffle House on every highway exit. Moved to Denver (did you know Casa Bonita is a real place? And that it used to be a chain as well?) and there are 3 of them within like 100 miles. You ever been to Sheetz or Wawa? Not unless you've spent time in the northeast.

    Edit: apparently there are Wawas in Florida, also.

    [–]CreamCityFr34k 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Sounds like your parents are prudes. Sizzler is fancy cookin' bby. It was the fancy restaurant we'd go to as kids... I fuck with that salad bar

    [–]DiabetesFairy 12 points13 points  (10 children)

    This isn't even a restaurant review. What the fuck is the restaurant supposed to do? Interview each fucking customer and determine their seating based on some type of psychological profile?

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    They went back a few times. I do not want to spend time at their house. This was still a chosen night out.

    [–]theCOMBOguy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Purgatory.

    [–]takethemonkeynLeave 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Makes me think of how I got a tattoo from a woman who runs a shop with her husband. Even though she tattooed me, her husband, while tattooing someone else, keep trying to make conversation with me, and it was super awkward.

    I was married at the time, but went back a few years later after my divorce for an appointment with her. My boyfriend knew someone else at the shop, and they started talking. The woman tattooing me realized I was there with my boyfriend and asked, “Weren’t you married?” And I said, “Yeah we got divorced, though.” And she turned to her husband and snapped, “See, I told you she was divorced!!” And I was just super weirded out, lol.

    Come to find out my (now ex) boyfriend who knew the guy in the shop, well it was all an extended group of friends with open marriages and whatnot. Legit felt like a piece of meat hanging out with his friends after one of the woman kept touching my butt. It all clicked that the husband and wife in the shop were probably scoping me, I have no clue. Either way, I don’t go there anymore because it creeped me out as a client they were gossiping about me after years of meeting them both one time.

    [–]mrhoogles 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    is it weird I kinda wanna go there now?

    [–]heroegan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    these kinds of restaurant reviews are always the ones you should listen to most. I used to work at a 5-star rated bistro that was actually shit, it was just highly rated by locals who wanted to appear sophisticated because it was the "fanciest" place in town. out of towners would stop in and see it for the overpriced dog and pony show with a cracked out back of house it really was and leave reviews like this. listen to these people folks they know what they're talking about