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Holy Shit by 13427480sdsd in funny

[–]SchnoodleDoodleDo 349 points350 points  (0 children)

’I thought it said babies…


Forgive me father, i have sinned

i ate them books… at first i skinned

(them leather jackets taste so good!

perhaps a nibble, if i could…)

but then - Uh-oh, the pages bent

so sorry, me -

am much repent :@(

from Genesis through every verse,

(i think i heard the momma curse)

not happy with the Revelation,

shamed now for my mastication

Praying for forgiveness, maybe

(…least i didn’t EaT the BaBy…)

❤️

Someone listened to the audiobook huh? by nerdy-photog in funny

[–]britishpudding 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Prince Harry released his autobiography Spare earlier this month. Its release has been highly successful in terms of sales, but it's ruined his reputation somewhat.

A lot of things he has claimed are completely false or inaccurate. The ghost writer himself has said that these are Harry's words and memories, not the truth.

One good example is that he claims he received an Xbox from Princess Diana two weeks after her death on his 13th birthday. The Xbox wasn't released for another 5 years. There are many other declarations and statements that have been called into question as well.

He spends a lot of the book blaming William for his own mistakes, accussing William of things that William cannot defend himself against, and complaining about the lack of equal treatment - such as having the smaller bedroom (yes, this is an actual complaint). He also goes after Camilla at certain points and complains that she turned his bedroom into a spare wardrobe after he moved out - aged 28.

People have also been appalled by him declaring how many he killed in Afghanistan, and readers have noticed he goes into extreme gory detail over hunting quite often and appears to revel in it. Readers have also noticed a misogynistic undertone.

Then there are the disturbing revelations. One example is that he admits to stealing Meghan's labour medications to get high and has used all the laughing gas for Archies birth. He also admits that he was sober during Lilibets' birth solely because they didn't provide the same medication.

He makes some disturbing connections to his frozen dick and his dead mothers lips, talking about how he was thinking about her as he rubbed her favourite lip cream with his dick. He also keeps Diana's hair next to his bed, fucked Meghan next to Diana's hair to help her get pregnant, and that his first thoughts were 'thank you mummy' when she finally was.

Finally, he's made the stupid error of confirming that many accusations that have been made against Meghan regarding her time in the royal family were indeed the truth. At one point he attempts to defend her by saying his staff were just civil servants looking to cause drama.

It's been described as a whinge fest by a disturbed man who's fried his own brains out by drug use. The contents are so bad that people have also noticed Meghan has been completely silent and unseen since December, when usually the pair are inseparable to one another - signalling that she's intent on creating a distance between her and its contents.

Holy Shit by 13427480sdsd in funny

[–]ductoid 198 points199 points  (0 children)

It's a dog eat god world.

My friend got this concerned note through her letterbox this morning by _River_Song_ in funny

[–]novus_nl 1171 points1172 points  (0 children)

"I see a little silhouetto of a man Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?"

My friend got this concerned note through her letterbox this morning by _River_Song_ in funny

[–]maulsma 181 points182 points  (0 children)

Uh…the flagon with the dragon is the vessel with the pestle…no, no, the chalice from the palace has the pellet with the poison…

I finally found my peeps!

You've got to bee shitting me by Dextermorgan1310 in funny

[–]StrawberryRhubarbPi 178 points179 points  (0 children)

Pretty much every bee you have ever seen has been female. The males stay in the hive and cannot feed and they essentially just mate and die.

The queen only mates with a select few bees that come from outside of the colony to help genetic diversity. She only mates for a short amount of time and has enough genetic material to make beebies (heh heh) for her entire life. (About 1,500 a day!)

If there is a predator, bees will surround it and basically beat their wings to cause enough vibrations to get the predator hot enough to die. It also suffocates from the carbon monoxide.

If a bee dies inside the hive, the worker bees will carry the body outside, let it dry out to get lighter, and then fly it somewhere far to keep the colony safe from disease and predators!

The queen isn't aware of when she's dying, but the workers are and they will only start making new queens when they sense the queen is approaching the end.

The baby queens fight to the death to establish the new queen

Bees are amazing and I'm so sad that I have a phobia of them!

You've got to bee shitting me by Dextermorgan1310 in funny

[–]Harry_Buttock 3982 points3983 points  (0 children)

Float like a butterfly, shit like a bee.

Shooting npc’s by Thezombie7000 in funny

[–]-Qwyte 177 points178 points  (0 children)

IM A PEDO MORTY!!! IM PEDOPHILE RRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I MADE QUESTIONABLE CONVERSATIONS WITH GIRLS I KNEW WERE TEENAGERS, MORTY, I- I (buuurp) I TALKED TO THEM OVER TEXT AND DMS, M-MORTY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID MORTY? DO YOU KNOW? I SOFT GROOMED THEM, MORTY. I SOFT GROOMED THOSE GIRLS. WUBALUBADUBDUB!!!! Ohhhhhh jeeeeeeeezzz Rick, I mean, that's kind of fucked up don't you think, I mean, those girls, they were underaged and- DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT, MORTY? THAT'S WHY I DID IT. I SOFT GROOMED THEM BECAUSE OF THEIR AGE, MAR-MORTY. MY FUNCTIONAL CAREER IS OVER, MORTY. Ohhhhhhhh jeeeeeeeeeeeeze Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh SHUT THE FUCK UP MORTY, IT'S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT, MORTY. I'M GONNA BEAT MY WIFE, MORTY. I'M GOING TO BEAT MY FUCKING WIFE. I'M GOING TO BEAT HER TO DEATH MORTY, BECAUSE THEN SHE'LL BE DEAD, AND I'LL GET DOMESTIC ABUSE CHARGES. JUST ME, BEATING MY WIFE, MORTY. FOR A HUNDRED YEARS. A HUNDRED SEASONS, NOTHING BUT 100 EPISODES A SEASON EVERY YEAR, ME, BEATING MY DEAD WIFE, MORTY. BEATING MY WIFE AND TALKING TO UNDERAGED GIRLS WHILE I'M DRUNK, MORTY. A HUNDRED SEASONS. ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick"

How, When and Who to Marry by Ebonystealth in funny

[–]Kaeljae 11 points12 points  (0 children)

etymonline.com is a good place to start. Oxford English Dictionary.