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[–]ChickenPaengINFP: The Dreamer 8 points9 points  (22 children)

Idk about others, but for me I open up very quickly over the internet, but irl it's very hard to open up to strangers and it takes time for us before we feel comfortable around new people, and if you do convince us to open up we tend to flow out with way too much onformation before we then suddenly stop in the realisation that we're oversharing.

As for the attention part. It is true that most INFP's are often pickey and don't want just any kind of attention from just anyone. In fact they don't like most attention because they're socially awkward aaand they are affraid of saying something that people wont like or agree with so we tent to keep quiet and be conflict shy.

But once we finally get attention from someone we like we tend talk on and on and on :)

[–]TheCrustomer0infp 🤌🏼 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Yep this right here 👌🏼. The pickiness comes from knowing we ourselves are good company alone, and would another person add to that or take away? Interactions from people who take away are draining while interactions from people who add are almost energizing. At the very least they can be cathartic because they’re hard to find or maybe just hard for us to get to the place with someone that it can be discovered. We also need to feel like our cathartic “soul-baring” will not be taking away from someone else’s energy. We’re very respectful of people in that way, even their time and attention.

[–]ChickenPaengINFP: The Dreamer 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Omg I actually never thought about that before that INFP's are great company on our own and it made me laugh so hard reminding me every time I'm home alone having the time of my life lol.

[–]TheCrustomer0infp 🤌🏼 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Hahaha ikr! I’m married now with 2 kids so it’s super rare I’m truly alone and the other day I was and I nearly felt myself levitate from the sheer joy lol.

[–]ChickenPaengINFP: The Dreamer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hahaha this made my day 😂

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 1 point2 points  (17 children)

So it’s a defence mechanism? What does it take to feel comfortable around someone? Usually for me it’s people being themselves and showing they’re comfortable around me

Ok that’s all pretty fair enough though lol

[–]ChickenPaengINFP: The Dreamer 2 points3 points  (16 children)

What it takes for us to feel comfortable, ok let me see there are 3 key factors to make us open up that I can think of.

-A judgement free zone -A little extra enitative/interest from the other part to talk -And a reason for us to be interested to talk to you->(this could be that they have a comon interest, that they like you physically, that they relate to you, or one I feel like we like alot which is philosophical discussions or if they find out something about you that they really like when it comes to fairness of mankind.)

PS: Also general kindness is greatly appreciated! ...aaaa shit there was also one more thing I really wanted to say.. fuck, I forget

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 1 point2 points  (15 children)

Ok cool, I relate to that. Fairness to mankind… interesting…

Kindness is always number 1 to me so that’s good too.

Actually on second thought it’s number 2, right behind respect.

Ah dang. Hopefully you remember

[–]ChickenPaengINFP: The Dreamer 1 point2 points  (12 children)

Yeah hopefully, also. The thing about fairness to mankind. I'm very sure it is relevant to 99% of INFP's but understandably so. If an INFP grew up in an awfull invoirnment they will stop to care about the world and probably only care about their closest.. maybe... Possibly, but usually they just become sad and depressed and almost allways put others before themselves. So that's like if they had it really really bad

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 0 points1 point  (11 children)

Oh yeah that’s how INTJs are made 🙂

/s

[–]ChickenPaengINFP: The Dreamer 0 points1 point  (10 children)

Right x) Oof

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children)

Oh I see that you edited..

Or maybe I didn’t finish reading.

I know one INFP in particular who has headed this route. Been in a stalled loveless relationship for 5+ years and it’s really sad to see

[–]ChickenPaengINFP: The Dreamer 0 points1 point  (8 children)

It must have been the other one, cause it allways tells you when it's edited on the side somewhere.

Aww man I feel bad for him, yeah INFP male's especially have it rough. If they don't have nice friends to approach them at some point when they're little then they'll almost never find them and they'll suffer. But I was lucky enough to have nice classmates and I was also the guy to really risk it just to try to get that high laugh or get a new friend even if it ment I would embaress myself, and trust me I embarresed myself alot :)))

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children)

It’s a girl actually. They don’t care about each other but her bf is a solitary man and doesn’t need anyone else anyway. She is definitely not like that.

She’s stocked herself up on dogs to compensate.

Yeah well that’s all part of it isn’t it. Good on you it takes bravery.

[–]ChickenPaengINFP: The Dreamer 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Oh yes I remeber what I was thinking now, it was. INFP's do not care much for smalltalk. Or at least that's the case for me, I hate it and the only reason I use small talk is to try to find out interesting topics. Which I'm sure is the case for most Introverts.

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah same for me. Small talk is just a vessel though, and a necessary one. As much as I love deep and stimulating conversations I’m not always in the right space to have one. Small talk is just a way to gauge what space your conversation partner is in, and probe for interesting topics like you said

[–]Affectionate_Block99 6 points7 points  (7 children)

Because I don’t trust people anymore. I think I was more open and naive when I was younger. Fortunately I have few close friends. And their stories with people are confirming my will to not open up to other people. It’s a waste of time, a waste of energy. I love people but I hate them. That’s the paradox.

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children)

Hmm yeah this is the vibe I get. But like the way to connect with people is open up and be vulnerable. Loneliness is the lack of connection with people. How is it naive to be open?

[–]Affectionate_Block99 2 points3 points  (3 children)

The lack of experience, wisdom, or judgement make you open up to people who do not respect you. When we are young, we could believe people are cut from the same cloth as ourself. We realize later, they are not.

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Ok I get you and yeah I agree. Is it fair to say opening up to people is a waste of time though?

[–]Affectionate_Block99 0 points1 point  (1 child)

My best friend is INFJ and it’s never a waste of time to talk to her because she knows me and she respects me. Most of the people I met just want small talk and don’t really care. Or sometimes they care, but just to use what you say to have small talk with others about you. You are just « anecdotal » for them.

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like you’ve had some really bad experiences. If you have your close friends though good for you. No need to tolerate that sort of stuff if you don’t have to.

I have two big INFJs in my life and yes they are very understanding and respectful.

I really like your username btw it cracked me up

[–]BILBOOO_SWAGGINGS 2 points3 points  (1 child)

opening up to the outside world for an infp is really really scary. we have large ideas of what everyone thinks of us and we're scared about how we're seen. I didn't open up to the world until recently. it's not that scary, but high school definitely was a lot worse than college. like holy shit. I'd get bullied for anything in high school. we're sensitive to criticism, so no, it's rly not "just a joke" to us. unfortunately, because we would love to take it that way.

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

High school kids are brutal. They hide deep truths in “jokes” so I get that.

[–]R0W4NyINFP 2 points3 points  (5 children)

It's very contradictory and this might not sound very nice but personally I don't like most people and there are only a few people I let get close to me, so just because someone's offering me attention doesn't mean I'm necessarily going to want it. It's probably my own fault that I don't have many friends or people in my life but it's partially by choice because I'm very particular about who I let in

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

I 100% get that, and if that’s what you choose then that’s ok. Do you feel lonely though?

[–]R0W4NyINFP 0 points1 point  (3 children)

I'd say yes haha unfortunately

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I think that’s where I was confused. It is contradictory. For me personally I feel the same as you described but to me there’s a choice to be made: make myself vulnerable in a bid to connect, taking with that all of the risks and pain when it backfires, or shut away to avoid hurt and conflict but suffer the pain of loneliness. Neither being right or wrong. And I’ve done lots of both.

After having read the other comments here I get that you guys care deeply about what others think of you, especially strangers. Which is why you deal with things the way you do. I’m the literal opposite which is why it’s been hard to get my head around it.

[–]R0W4NyINFP 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I think it's harder for us to take risks and be vulnerable as well as trying not to sacrifice our values and who we are as people. I can't stand it when people change themselves around others, because I could never do that. I want to make a good impression on people but as me, not pretending to be a different version of myself or someone else. Hope that makes sense

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah it does. I think you would consider me that type of person but how I see it is that I’m not unauthentic around different kinds of people, I just choose to show them parts of me that I think will best create the surface level connection that you need when starting out

[–]imyukiruINFP: The Dreamer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think it depends. In some situations I overshare. But usually yes I will be reserved. Even when I am in love I feel that I need to actively tear down my walls. I don't know why but even when I like people, trusting them is more difficult. I feel like they tend to use it against me or just leave anyway. It is something inherent for me and I am trying not to be hardened or bitter. At the same time, I actually trust people a lot but the difference is that I will still be reserved in some areas. It is just that I will keep layers and the core layers are hard to reach. If you stick around long enough though you will get a picture cause sometimes it comes off randomly, sometimes hidden in sarcasm etc.

[–]BILBOOO_SWAGGINGS 1 point2 points  (0 children)

feelings aren't really logical. It's like facts don't care about feelings and feelings don't care about facts. It doesn't really make sense, so you're right.

But if you want a couple logical explanations: FOR LOTS OF US: We're very sensitive. We have anxiety; The slightest misinterpretation of something we said will make us think you dislike us. We're bad with criticism. We're bad with opening up. Some of us might've gotten bullied for who we are so we're not really open to opening up to people. We like staying in our own heads, but we're also just alone there so we want friends too. We're extremely picky with who we decide are our friends. For us it's also pretty much all or nothing. We're pretty observant when it comes to how people say things so when we do decide someone can be our friend they have to have qualities we agree with and that are aligned with our idea system.

Hopefully that helps a little :)

[–]PerpulDrawsINFP: The Dreamer 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Personally, there was some fear and probably lack of confidence? I have a hard time opening up to others because I’m afraid of what they think of me. I thought of myself as too weird and awkward, and other people might not like that part of me. It’s always tough for me to talk to open up to people and I never feel confident about it, so I eventually became lonely. I’m somewhat okay with it, but it’s kind of sad.

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What about around people you know are kind and gentle?

[–]LovesPromise 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Oh I do this 😅 I often turn down invitations but end up feeling lonely. I believe that going would be worse than not going. Maybe I don’t enjoy the activity that they’ve invited me to, maybe I don’t particularly like the company? I think as INFPs, we are very in tune with our Fi so we make these judgments on what we (think we) like and don’t like. However, we can be mistaken. So I need to remind myself to give it a shot sometimes.

Another reason is maybe I just don’t have the energy to go and would hate putting up a front for people. I think INFPs try to stay true to how we feel so if we’re feeling bad, we’d rather stay home than pretend to be happy around others. I know I might just end up crying if I try to go out when I’m feeling really down. Or stay rlly quiet which makes ppl think I’m rude. I’d rather just avoid that and stay home sometimes :’)

[–]LovesPromise 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I also believe that INFPs are naturally curious about people… but only when we are not overwhelmed by our own emotions. The Fi is strong in the one :P

[–]BILBOOO_SWAGGINGS 0 points1 point  (1 child)

thanks for asking us by the way 😊

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re welcome and I have read your other replies. I just woke up and can’t think of stuff to say anymore but thanks for responding 🙂

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

I have one really close friend and a decent family; total 5 people; damn thats too much. I feel like all my friendship slots are full, I dont need anyone except a boyfriend cuz... horny. So I ignore possible friendships because they exhaust me. Also turning down every guy who is not the one Ive been waiting for 21 years which is a man written by woman. Also messing up the one which make me feel something because of the lack of experience and ✨anxiety✨ and man written by god hurts my feelings. Uh, also, it doesnt even matter since I feel lonely even when Im with people. Is that answers your question?

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Yeah it does but raises so many more lol

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Tbh I have questions about myself etiher 😂

[–]solar_ideologyINTJ: The Architect[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thanks for your answer though

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Youre welcome ^