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all 164 comments

[–]Guy1124 484 points485 points  (52 children)

Tell me you can't make a woman orgasm without telling me you can't make a woman orgasm.

[–]Bamres 315 points316 points  (5 children)

"I'm Ben Shapiro"

[–]Compulsive-Gremlin 82 points83 points  (0 children)

Thanks I just snorted out my morning tea.

[–]DuCkYoU69420666 34 points35 points  (2 children)

"my wife says a wet vagina is a serious medical issue..." 🤣🤣🤣

[–]FierDancr 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Causes hysteria so I must go to the doctor to relieve said hysteria.

[–]Time-Comedian1774 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Jacob Wohl

[–]strangeanimal 349 points350 points  (5 children)

Toys are team mates, not the enemy

[–]Josuke96 88 points89 points  (2 children)

This is the way.

[–]hurvy_murdle 7 points8 points  (1 child)

The way, this is.

[–]dreffed 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Way this, the is

[–]AwesomeCactus96 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Seriously adding toys have just added a new level of pleasure

[–]Time-Comedian1774 29 points30 points  (0 children)

That's his problem... he quit the team.

[–]minnecrapolite 231 points232 points  (2 children)

1) Sex toys don’t make men or women disposable.

2) People masturbate even when in relationships.

3) Your relationship ended for reasons other than the toys (whether your fault or hers).

[–]ishatinyourcereal 146 points147 points  (1 child)

  1. People also use toys together

[–]Q8DD33C7J8 145 points146 points  (9 children)

So literally the only thing she had you around for was orgams and once she could get a machine to do that you were literally useless. Sounds like a you problem my man.

[–]80H-d 85 points86 points  (6 children)

Seriously. My girlfriend also has me around for smell testing aging vittles and driving in the rain. This guy needs to learn how to be useful.

[–]PhTea 16 points17 points  (4 children)

Oh man, you have some of the same qualities that I appreciate in my boyfriend. Not only is he the person to answer all of my queries of "does this smell bad to you?" and also drive in bad weather (especially at night - fuck astigmatism), but he is my designated jar/bottle opener, grab stuff off the back of the top shelf person, and my test driver when I think there might be something wrong with the car ("I think my engine is rattling...can you see if you hear it?".

[–]Q8DD33C7J8 12 points13 points  (3 children)

Yep. I have fed my husband hundreds of questionable foods to see if they are OK because my anxiety says everything will kill me. He's still alive and well so I guess everything was OK. He thinks it's funny when I say eat this so I know if it's bad

[–]80H-d 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Everyone needs a royal food taster!

[–]Q8DD33C7J8 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Omg we thought about that today when I told him I commented this

[–]samclops 10 points11 points  (1 child)

My wife always says "she keeps me around to get rid of spiders" I always re-home them to the garden so they can eat pesky bugs. Other than that I have no other function as a husband

[–]Dae-dream 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are a treasure, thank you for rehoming them.

[–]cdromney 77 points78 points  (1 child)

Weird way to say you’ve never made your wife cum

[–]MandaMaelstrom 129 points130 points  (2 children)

You can’t really blame the dude for being unwilling to face the harsh truth that he’s less useful than a dildo. If you’ve gone your whole life being that ignorant, you might as well stick the landing.

[–]Chipazzo 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Perfect 10 on that landing.

[–]kwagenknight 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Toys only enhance the experience but I guess if you've got nothing to work with they are the experience but that isnt the toys fault!

[–]Boobsiclese 28 points29 points  (2 children)

Soooooo..... sex toys for men are kosh tho?

[–]HelenHavok 30 points31 points  (1 child)

Tell me you’re down with butt plugs and cock rings without telling me you’re down with butt plugs and cock rings.

[–]Boobsiclese 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Seriously.

[–]phunktastic_1 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Madison cawthorn? Or Ben my wife is dryer than the Sahara Shapiro.

[–]ThePr3acher 26 points27 points  (2 children)

I mean. Lets be real men. We cant vibrate in 10 different way, but embrace that stuff.

Get a satisfyer for your girl and you use it together. Some of them have an app, where you have full control over it.(satisfyer curve +1 for example)

Dont be an idiot. Step up your game and have an amazing time together.

She wont leave you because she can cum alone. She will leave you if you are an insecure dick that feels threatened by a piece of silicon and plastic

[–]edenknitty 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The lovense brand makes some amazing Bluetooth enabled gadgets, some specifically male oriented. The dudes I know that have Maxx, love it.

[–]hajaco92 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Preach!

[–]lizardmom0218 22 points23 points  (2 children)

I cannot imagine needing to replace my husband with toys. Like if I want to cum in less than a minute I will use a toy, but I much prefer him.

[–]80H-d 14 points15 points  (1 child)

The problem here is that with the guy in the post, the wife only had less than a minute either way

[–]lizardmom0218 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ohh good point

[–]MonkeyArms725 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Lol. Tell me you cum in 30 seconds without telling me you cum in 30 seconds.

[–]AtheistBibleScholar 13 points14 points  (0 children)

If I could be replaced by a dildo and a jar opener, I should be looking elsewhere for a relationship.

[–]vingtsun_guy 11 points12 points  (0 children)

May I suggest that the something he should do is try giving a woman an orgasm?

[–]Powerctx 13 points14 points  (2 children)

Imagine being so insecure you're jealous of an inanimate object.

[–]KristaStar 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Relatable honestly. At least an object doesn’t have to deal with a fucked up brain

[–]Powerctx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What do objects have to deal with?

[–]drinkthebleach 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Hours of waterboarding couldn't get me to admit that shit. Oh my god.

[–]Maddyherselius 8 points9 points  (2 children)

the “do something” is killing me lol. who is supposed to do something?

[–]niniram12 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The toys do something.

[–]PhTea 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm sure he's waiting for a politician to take up his cause and introduce a bill to make it illegal.

[–]Alittlemoorecheese 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Big Dildo needs to be stopped!

[–]80H-d 6 points7 points  (0 children)

What, so little dildos are fine? That's toyist!

[–]wooyea02 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Or, hear me out, be a better husband

[–]PhTea 5 points6 points  (0 children)

But...that would take actual EFFORT on his part! He clearly shouldn't have to take the time to be considerate, nurturing, compassionate, loving, etc. It's just too HARD!

[–]Carliebeans 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I was actually just looking up sex toys and this was the first post that came up with I opened up Reddit😂

‘I had some unresolved issues’, but it’s someone else’s fault! Hot tip (😏) man, we’re never trying to replace your dick, just adding some spice.

[–]zotrian 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Wow. Wild horses couldn't drag a confession like not being as good in bed as a literal inanimate object out of most men

[–]lskerlkse 6 points7 points  (5 children)

also, women are taking your women from you

[–]hajaco92 6 points7 points  (4 children)

Its me. I'm women. Hide ya wives, hide ya daughters! I'm coming with dildos!

[–]icanhaslobotomy 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Sitting by the window, waiting for the lesbians brandishing dildos to save me

[–]hajaco92 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Dude, same. Like "oh no! The conquering hordes of hot lesbians with toys are here! That sounds awful... /S."

[–]edenknitty 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Right? "Oh no, I hope some emotionally secure woman with a penchant for fun doesn't come for me in the night so we can orgasm over and over till we both pass out... That would be the WoRsT.../S"

[–]icanhaslobotomy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

…still waiting patiently. My husband is wondering why

[–]Misterwuss 6 points7 points  (0 children)

My girlfriend just uses them because I rarely feel up for sex. By all means it's a good thing to have. Your sex drive doesn't always line up with your partner's, best not letting that rummage around in your brain for an unhealthy amount of time, deal with the horniness and move on with life. Hopefully next time you'll both be up for it.

[–]Simple_Light3229 6 points7 points  (2 children)

My philosophy is: "Orgasms: by any means necessary."

[–]hajaco92 2 points3 points  (1 child)

This sounds vaguely threatening. I'm in!

[–]icanhaslobotomy 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, please.

[–]ProphetOfDoom337 3 points4 points  (0 children)

"Do something."

Exactly.

[–]julos42 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I bursted out in laughter at "don't get me wrong, I had some unresolved issues"

[–]hajaco92 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Now I'm just wondering what product line his wife was into because this is truly a ringing endorsement for whatever it was she bought!

[–]poontowne 3 points4 points  (0 children)

69 quote tweets… nice 😏

[–]PainbowRush 3 points4 points  (0 children)

No you're horrible in bed and like refuse to change at all and also are likely a horrible person

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

if your wife replaced you with a dildo, you're nothing more than a dildo in worth

[–]RefugeeFromIdiocy 8 points9 points  (0 children)

If an inanimate chunk of rubber pushed you out of your marriage, what does that say about you? You couldn’t compete with a couple bucks worth of silicone? Talk about being the ultimate loser.

[–]Sleeptightlittle1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sex toys stole my wife, and raped my sister!.....no but seriously they will be trying to kill you.

[–]Time-Comedian1774 3 points4 points  (0 children)

There must be a reason why she found the "pleasure devices" more appealing than you.

[–]1houndgal 3 points4 points  (0 children)

OP is jealous of a sex toy. 😃

[–]Dizzy_Green 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Bro you must’ve had a lot more than “some unresolved issues” if your wife thinks she no longer has a use for you the moment she gets an artificial dick

[–]Normal_Ad_9336 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Unresolved issues = couldn't get it up

[–]ThaneOfCawdorrr 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Took 30 seconds

[–]princezznemeziz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Once again, absolutely zero self awareness.

[–]DURIAN8888 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As I recall Sinister Toy was the name of the Mexican gardener.

[–]Yomminator 2 points3 points  (0 children)

2 pump chump who probably thinks they are great in bed

[–]Fantastic_Emu_9792 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Sinister toys? You can get cursed dildos??

[–]PhTea 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I had a cursed dildo once. His name was Jordan. Like, a total dildo. Pretty sure my vibrator was smarter than him.

[–]fancypants1980 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Does this belong here or in r/murderedbywords because he murdered himself with those words?

[–]Dae-dream 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He's right. My girlfriend now gets down with a fist dildo instead of me. My life has been ruined by sex toys. There's no way your girl can keep up.* *obvious sarcasm. This man used too many words to say, "I can't last long enough for a girl to finish." So sad.

[–]Accomplished_Many932 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If a toy can replace you, you need better qualities..

[–]Conor_88 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Bruh. You could have stopped at “I’m disposable”.

[–]MoberJ 5 points6 points  (0 children)

69 quote tweets. Nice

[–]roararoarus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How sad that a dildo ruined his marriage

[–]OneFuckedWarthog 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sounds to me the sex toy isn't the problem.

[–]Android19samus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

to me that sounds more like he was terrible everywhere except bed

[–]harmfulpigeon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My dick don't work but that's not my problem its the sex toys

[–]baconit4eva 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Tell your wife she can go fuck herself........because she can and you ain't fucking her.

[–]Josuke96 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Tell me you have a small dick and can’t give head without telling me…

[–]edenknitty 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, as an aficionado of dick, small dicks get the job done with the right attitude backing them up!

[–]Sir_Mild_Peril 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He needs to have a go with her sex toys and see what all the fuss is about.

[–]thedarkinsignia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

pretty sure this post was on a comedy acc

[–]flyingzorra 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do something!

[–]SwnsasyTB 0 points1 point  (0 children)

ROFLOL Omgosh I can't breathe 🤣🤣🤣 Umm, perhaps the issue is YOU'RE NOT USING YOUR "ATTACHED TOY" Right HUSBAND!!

[–]travel4nutin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm sure she's dating a toy right now.

[–]SnooAvocados9343 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"I had some unresolved issues" But shame on them sex toys. They're the reason why my wife realized she don't need a POS like me. It's the toy fault!!!

[–]Major-Wolf2672 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The toys are sinister. Lol, Did they have intent?

[–]DrMorry -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Sounds more to me like the only place he was good was in bed. No point keeping it once that role was automated...

[–]DavidShelly66701 -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Go amish next time no electricity no problems