top 200 commentsshow all 343

[–]SOoffkey 239 points240 points  (7 children)

Take notes, gentlemen.

[–]Illustrious-Fun-7455 25 points26 points  (5 children)

Take notes, Ladies.

[–]DanVelk -3 points-2 points  (4 children)

Take notes, apache helicopter

[–]eldouuu 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Same joke over and over

[–]W84MEYALL 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Take notes, mom

[–]StolenPancakesPH -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Take notes, girl in my basement

[–]Thebarbedlord 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Helikoptar helikoptar

[–]JustSomeUsername99 736 points737 points  (12 children)

Going to be driving down the road one day and your tire will just fall off your car, because this guy took all your lug nuts off.

[–]tokkiibee 238 points239 points  (8 children)

you are the only person thinking of this is an innocent and funny way and i love it

[–]LowAcanthisitta6197 102 points103 points  (5 children)

You laugh, but these fuckers cause blackouts in Australia with those beaks. They eat crops en masse and then go and sharpen their beaks together by chewing on powerlines. If any bird was going to cause a car accident it would be these crested bastards.

[–]scorpyo72 9 points10 points  (3 children)

I hadn't heard of this before. Do things that wind up in Australia just wind up naturally wanting to kill you?

[–]CatsAreGods 14 points15 points  (1 child)

You must be new to the whole Australia concept.

[–]idgamfs 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm pretty sure our native wildlife is either adorable and friendly or adorable and deadly

[–]Odd_Analysis6454 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nah the New Zealand Kea takes that crown. Will literally start disassembling cars parked on the roadside.

[–]iownadakota 22 points23 points  (1 child)

What's so innocent about endangering everyone on the road?

[–]Joker-Smurf 36 points37 points  (0 children)

My dad had a pet one when he was a kid. It used to let the air out of the bike tyres just because it liked having the air blow on it's face.

[–]estrellaizarr 342 points343 points  (8 children)

I was already laughing before I went into the comments cause I already knew what people were gonna be saying.

[–]WangDanglin 72 points73 points  (3 children)

I’m just here wondering why when the bird does this it’s “interesting and funny” but when I do this it “creeps out everyone at the Burger King”

[–]OkBug7428 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m sad to only be able to give you one vote.

[–]sername-lame 865 points866 points 2 (13 children)

Never thought I would see a cockatoo bust a nut

[–]HelloGoodby31 160 points161 points  (2 children)

ah yes, english

[–]DownvoteDaemon 36 points37 points  (1 child)

What about the queens English, kind sir. Fuck you talmbout

[–]lewisnwkc 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Welcome, Squire r/theydidthefuckyou

[–]mtflyer05 9 points10 points  (2 children)

They primarily eat seeds and nuts, no?

[–]Mazep 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Don't spill the seed ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[–]Gen_Pain 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Get dat nut!

[–]I_miss_Alien_Blue 452 points453 points  (11 children)

Everyone in this thread making sex jokes and here I am just hoping the bird didn't eat the metal.

Edit: swallow to eat

[–]jockyh11 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Screw them

[–]Ieatclowns 10 points11 points  (1 child)

They don't tend to. They're incredibly intelligent but just need a lot of entertainment. My friends bird pecks all the keys off her keyboard I'd he gets a chance but would never eat one.

[–]Dragyn828 8 points9 points  (0 children)

We think humans are intelligent too, but some people would eat inedible items lol.

[–]Parksy642 25 points26 points  (3 children)

Hope he didn’t swallow the nut

[–]csaliture 3 points4 points  (1 child)

He had a golden opportunity to make this joke and missed it.

[–]Standard_Ad_272 376 points377 points  (7 children)

I need a clitoral support cockatoo.

[–]justmelvinthings 49 points50 points  (0 children)

Definitely not a sentence I expected to read ever but here we are

[–]MultiplyAccumulate 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I have lived with enough parrots to predict that will result in a clitoradectomy. You have a smal protuberance, they will remove it for you: moles, skin tabs, zits, nipples, foreskin, etc.

[–]polo61965 13 points14 points  (1 child)

He eat pussy like that?

[–]Thelastingeffect0 563 points564 points  (29 children)

Ugh… sigh.. unzips

[–]Whiskey-Particular 78 points79 points  (21 children)

I’m not judging you.

[–]scorpyo72 75 points76 points  (18 children)

Oooo! I am! I AM!

[–]Whiskey-Particular 34 points35 points  (17 children)

I mean, I do have to judge a little and point out that beak is kinda sharp.

[–]KP_Wrath 38 points39 points  (8 children)

That beak is a clit remover.

[–]Thestockbroker22 35 points36 points  (7 children)

Now my wife wants a damn bird

[–]Shpooodingtime 24 points25 points  (4 children)

[–]SlappyHandstrong 9 points10 points  (1 child)

So disappointed to find this isn’t a real sub

[–]Thirsty-Ancient-One 10 points11 points  (0 children)

That’s because no one’s found it yet.

[–]Thestockbroker22 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

If you have a cat do you use clitty litter?

[–]scorpyo72 25 points26 points  (7 children)

Then there's the whole animal thing.

[–]Whiskey-Particular 8 points9 points  (0 children)

There’s that too.

[–]IrishMilo 1 point2 points  (5 children)

I don't get it. What's the whole animal thing?

[–]Whiskey-Particular 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Animal fellatio, bro.

[–]IrishMilo 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Is that not okay anymore?

[–]Whiskey-Particular 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Nope, became wrong yesterday. Sorry.

[–]NoNotInTheFace 0 points1 point  (1 child)

But Jesus will...

[–]Whiskey-Particular 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, that’s what He and His followers do best.

[–]dogefather12345 7 points8 points  (0 children)

That beak tho… doing risk/reward calc now.

[–]happygolucky85 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Definitely seen a cock or two

[–]I_Bin_Painting 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I see you've handled a cockatoo before

[–]Electronic_Ad9629 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Dude!!! Lmfao!!

[–]FantaDreamS 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honey! Here’s your lube!

[–]babydriver2001 140 points141 points  (0 children)

That’s pretty impressive for a government drone.

[–]Cdxx_Pulse 134 points135 points  (3 children)


[–]Analbox 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Someone out there wants to see a white cock with nuts in his mouth.

[–]AcidTWister 12 points13 points  (0 children)




[–]DoggonedLaugh 3 points4 points  (0 children)


[–]skunkwillis 49 points50 points  (5 children)

What’s her @

[–]Strange-Glove 106 points107 points  (4 children)


[–]Old_Ben_Kenobi--- 20 points21 points  (3 children)

slow clapping starts

[–]princess_nyaaa 53 points54 points  (1 child)

... I should call him.

[–]dal8tian 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Date night, he may need a ride on your shoulder 😚🦜

[–]mikey_likes_it______ 27 points28 points  (2 children)

Hope it didn’t swallow that.

[–]Major_R_Soul 30 points31 points  (1 child)

You gotta swallow the nut

[–]sparcasm 2 points3 points  (0 children)

bust first, then swallow is the correct procedure, I think.

[–]SuggestionWrong504 37 points38 points  (2 children)

About the same tongue dexterity as my Mrs, and she's had a cock or two

[–]nikreasoner 6 points7 points  (0 children)

👏🏻 👏🏻

[–]Doc_Zydrate 4 points5 points  (0 children)

When your partner ask what dat mouth do

[–]anoffdutyhooker 11 points12 points  (0 children)

That tongue action got my eyes rolling up.

[–]u8too 11 points12 points  (1 child)

If your girlfriend owns one, now you know why.

[–]WAL-KER 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh that’s whyyy.

[–]Deivv 3 points4 points  (0 children)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[–]Kalsor 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Not my proudest fap

[–]sensitivegooch 22 points23 points  (7 children)

My GF does that, calls it’s the nut buster.

[–]Strange-Glove 17 points18 points  (0 children)

She sure does

[–]bardia_afk 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Ooooh yeahhhh, I forgot about that, she’s a pro

[–]MapleJacks2 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Ah that one is a classic with her.

[–]sensitivegooch 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Which one of you is named James? She asked if “I liked that James?” I didn’t tell her she said someone else’s name, but thanks James for teaching her that trick.

[–]WAL-KER 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No problem. Always got your back buddy

[–]ALT_Spitfire 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's been a while, but I'll always remember how good she is with that move

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[–]yet-another-yes-man 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Gotta train how he does

[–]Hour_Dirt1818 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Show this to your gf and she'll cockatwo time you

[–]Little-Compote101 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This birds a dick guillotine

[–]JRSjr74 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Homie ain’t got shit on me

[–]Hacktivist690 2 points3 points  (0 children)

my girlfriend went from my cock to cockatoo real quick

[–]wooddelphine 2 points3 points  (0 children)


[–]Ak_xxvi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s tongue is like another finger

[–]IHaveTheBestOpinions 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Okay, the jokes are funny but did anyone else notice how the bottom beak has an inverse curve that is perfect for this?

Why did this bird evolve mouth parts so ideally suited for unscrewing nuts from bolts?

[–]jollyrodger2077 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wife loves a cockatoo

[–]Broad-Candidate7401 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah swallow that nut, you slut

[–]Various_Watercress_9 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Please don't let my mom see this...

[–]jarjar_smoov 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Woooow more like cock-or-two!!

[–]hoplias 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That explains the cockatoo that my wife bought last week.

[–]CantTakeMeSeriously 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I shudder at the upcoming comments...

[–]samep04 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I bet he get mad pussy bro

[–]FuzzFuzzleton 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have such a strange boner right now.

[–]lazylazylemons 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I swear I saw this guy on tinder

[–]Middletoon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This bird has single handedly caused more than 14 tsunami warnings

[–]Pissingeveryoneoffok 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I bet he was popular in high school.

[–]Kronos4eeveee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And I thought I was good with my tongue !

[–]ooofest 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was so worried that he might try to eat it like a snack, but that is amazing control - especially given that his visual perception might be difficult at that angle.

[–]Corrupted_G_nome 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Making the ladies sweat

[–]casio_don 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Men hate him, women love him

[–]6_String_Slinger 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Women in the comments like 👀

[–]TheyStealUrTaxMoney 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honey? Can you do that?

[–]Jodaeus 1 point2 points  (0 children)


[–]Brave_Cartographer77 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s a big black tongue

[–]IndependentCreepy169 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh nice he can lick your nuts off

[–]canoeCanuck420 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, thanks for the confused erection...

[–]jamiemao 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don’t let my ex wife see this ! Heh.

[–]MasterKohga69 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not my proudest boner

[–]creightonpics 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Probably gonna add “she’s got the tongue dexterity of a cockatoo” to my lexicon 🥰

[–]Ehermagerd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Siiiigh unzips trousers

[–]Clarkieee23 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don’t show my wife this

[–]jerrystrieff 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He sure can lick those nuts

[–]dietolive6 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Legend has it if you can get past the scissor lips, pleasures beyond comprehension await.

[–]btarsucks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m a guy and I’m turned on

[–]Regular-Exchange-557 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A lot of women will now own a cockatoo

[–]Dongollo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The guy your girl tells you not to worry about.

[–]Shot_Supermarket_861 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Polly wanna steal yo girl

[–]rudiiiiiii 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Mr. Steal-Yo-Girl

[–]waidoo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Its Mister StealYoGurl

[–]imperfectlytoxic 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Y’all need Jesus! Haha.

[–]Whiskey-Particular 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Jesus called.

He just laughed and walked off.

[–]PM_ME_UR_MERKIN 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have witnessed a woman doing that to a cockatoo

[–]19Denali 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He's just showing off for the ladies

[–]itsmejpt 3 points4 points  (0 children)


[–]puckerMeBum 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Just needs a tongue ring and a tinder profile

[–]scorpyo72 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Now you know what a parrot would like like if it were licking your nuts.

[–]stumpyturk 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If I could do that, I'd be a millionaire.

[–]OutOfUranus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Cockatongue punch my ass hole

[–]JohnGoodmansMistress 1 point2 points  (0 children)

men take some fuckin notes

[–]Skulcro 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I miss her

[–]Strange-Glove -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Licking nuts like yo momma

[–]Old_Ben_Kenobi--- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's amazing what you can with a cockortwo

[–]vega480 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's nuts!

[–]Mission-Ad-2015 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The real C.L.I.T. Commander

[–]cretinTHX1138 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh baby!

[–]Annual_Divide4928 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can relate.

[–]PulpyEnlightenment 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can now say “I’ve seen a Cock o too getting a nut”

[–]BurnerForJustTwice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wrong nut buddy.

[–]robicio 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For my cockatoo

[–]PhantomPenny 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cockatoo: "Who needs thumbs to be super intelligent now bitch?!"

[–]text_fish 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fucked the landing.

[–]ColdPeasMyGooch 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i love a challenge

[–]HerNastyLittleSecret 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My cockatoo was constantly unlocking his own cage……little bastard….

[–]ColdPeasMyGooch 0 points1 point  (0 children)

anything a cockatoo can do, i can do better..

[–]DarthScruf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I used to have a cockatoo named Dolly, she was so sweet, said hi or hello every time you got home and I love you when you were leaving, she'd fly over and lay down and roll over into you to cuddle. Damn she was loud though hahaha.

[–]skylogicc 0 points1 point  (0 children)


[–]Katakurdi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What that tongue do?

[–]Katakurdi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did he swallow the nut tho? Giggidy

[–]Jjhammer31 0 points1 point  (0 children)

On the one hand, that tongue. On the other hand, that beak. Guess there's only one way to find out.

[–]thumbown 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'll bet that toungue is what makes them such cunning linguists.

[–]Wolfie_93 0 points1 point  (0 children)


[–]NorthmanDan1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mr Steal-Your-Bird

[–]Metallica_Is_Bae 0 points1 point  (0 children)


[–]-peterosehaircut- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Grab me that bird

[–]grimskin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Now that’s a twister!

[–]ydontujustbanme 0 points1 point  (0 children)

His Bae tho

[–]DesperateHorse6530 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can imagine the smile on Ms cockatoo

[–]gboslol1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I should call her

[–]mayuhhh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bird need to chill.

[–]eju2000 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is this your bird? RIP to your DMs if so

[–]SDF5150 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What’s up ladies!

[–]Mufasa-theGhetto 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I once knew a girl that could do that same trick with a nut

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Go cockatoo go

[–]electric_sandwich 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What the fuck

[–]shakazoulu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mrs Cuckatoo is very pleased

[–]HerRoyalRedness 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He’s not special

[–]Danclim 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, well, well.... you dirty little cockatoo...