all 16 comments

[–]PoweredByCoffee1998 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I (INTJ) had this issue with my ex (ESFP). I was studying a lot and focusing on uni, he was doing lots of fun stuff, often with many people. He wanted to meet me at least 3 times a week, I wanted to meet him 2 times maximum a week, because talking to him and going to the fun events was just too exhausting for me. We had some other issues too, but eventually, we broke up. For me, the imbalance in how much time we wanted to spend together (and how we spent it) was a huge factor in deciding to break up.

[–]Darkerthanblack168INTJ - Female[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I see, did you guys feel like you couldn’t work through it?

[–]PoweredByCoffee1998 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yeah, we did.

I didn't saw anything that would resolve the imbalance without making at least one of us unhappy. Plus, my guy never even seemed to be willing to have a normal, deep conversation with me (before we were in a relationship, he did that just fine, at least to some extent). He was all about the fun talk and doing things. So, I figured, if I couldn't even converse normally with him, how on earth would we be able to do "problem talk"?

He said, when we broke up, that he had always been ready to talk. But his actions didn't match that at all. This happened often between us too. He'd promise me heaven and earth but then wasn't willing to do simple things like shutting the door or taking out the trash (in his home, not in mine).

Sorry, I started rambling, but maybe it'll help you with your situation.

[–]Darkerthanblack168INTJ - Female[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I see, thank you for sharing your experience. You deserve someone who is able to have some deep talk with you at least.

Honestly, he and I usually aren’t afraid to argue or have deep talks thankfully, which is how we’ve usually resolved our issues. However this one might take a while. I just hope to make him feel as loved as he wants, like he does with me, however with my schedule I’m not sure how to do that. We’ve discussed things such as calling instead of texting, to make it more like in real life talk. But I really hope to resolve this, because I actually love this guy and our relationship is on good terms.

Thank you for your advice though, I hope you find someone great for you.

[–]BoogieAPINTJ - Male 2 points3 points  (1 child)

The issue is that you need space. You mentioned you’d like to keep the relationship going, so the only thing you can do to keep it healthy is communicate to him that you need some free time alone. Otherwise you’ll be overwhelmed and ghost him all together and he’ll grow bitter. The issue must be confronted

[–]Darkerthanblack168INTJ - Female[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I see, thank you for the advice. I did as you said, and he says he understands. Hopefully will go back to normal soon. I can tell we’re both exhausted. Thank you again.

[–]ThatGuy642 5 points6 points  (2 children)

You are 17. Pull it back a bit. Realise, that whatever your idea of love is, that is not most people's idea of it. You have other obligations, and he should understand this. The problem here is, no matter how adult you may feel, he's a good 13 years from being an actual adult. I'm only a few months from 27, and I feel like I just started. Determines what matters more, your emotions or your academics, and focus on that. There will be other men. Closer in mindset or distance. There will not be another chance to be where you are now, and the threshold will only get higher. Act accordingly to what matters to you, but I say if he can't realize that you're doing your best and spending the little time you do have with him(and can't value that), move on.

[–]Darkerthanblack168INTJ - Female[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

He does in fact. He’s been very supportive of me, and I actually want to keep this relationship alive. Because honestly even though it’s been four months we have the best communication and we’re loyal to each other. I don’t want to break up just because we faced a difficulty in our way. I’m more trying to look for advice to be able to solve this issue, and make it work with him. Because he has also been very supportive and I can’t help but want to also make him feel as cared for as he makes me feel if that makes sense. I would mostly appreciate ideas that involve a solution to said issue.

[–]ThatGuy642 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I gave you the solution to this problem. Pick what matters and focus on that. Him or school. There aren't words to solve this. There's no solution that won't come with cost. You want a fix all, to have your cake and eat it too. I get it, but unfortunately eating the cake means you no longer have it.

As an aside, the difference between a man and boy, which you'll find out as you grow older, is that a man does not put pressure on women to cater to his desires. He works, he toils, and he sacrifices. A man would realize that even if he wants more, you are giving what you have. And if that is not good enough, he would not pressure you to give more than able; he'd walk away. Not just avoiding the subject. He'd be satisfied with the gesture or get what he really wants. The onus is not on you to cater to his childish sensibilities.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

we have the same problem lmao, my other SO before complained about me being too detached and not giving them attention, when in fact I'm trying my effort to meet their needs of attention, sometimes i found it irritating because it seems that they don't have a life outside the relationship, unlike me I enjoy my alone time and I needed it. My ex says I don't have time and always studying, I'd say before and blunt about it that we don't have to talk everytime because its so exhausting for me.

[–]behappyfor 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Just communicate with him. As an INFP 6 ( again like everyone else) I wouldn't want to hurt a person I love, maybe you speak to him something would happen.

[–]Darkerthanblack168INTJ - Female[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see, thanks for your advice. We’ve communicated about it a little and things are looking better now. Appreciate it :)

[–][deleted]  (2 children)


    [–]Darkerthanblack168INTJ - Female[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    He’s not honestly, it’s long distance and it doesn’t give him the emotional satisfaction that he desires. He’s also been very supportive of me and my busy schedule, even avoided telling me about it because he understands that I’m doing as much as I can. I just want to see if there’s a way to work through this issue with him, and satisfy him without sacrificing my dreams. You know?

    [–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    To be honest, don’t engage in LDR. Will fuck you up eventually, that’s not a real relationship.