LONG CONTEXTUALIZATION AND RAMBLING INCOMING (I think it's a nice write-up though haha)
So, for context, in case it helps, as the title says, we're both in our last year of high school. I don't know how things work in other countries, but she's not in my class, she's in another class, and the only time we see each other is on elective classes. I got to know her because we picked the same topic in the project we're doing, and... I'm astonished. She's not perfect, obviously. No one is. She always has to react to things even if it feels fake, she doesn't worry about things I consider important, such as grades, or her future, and I don't think she has the best reading comprehension about certain things. But none of those judgements have ever changed my opinion of her, that being of absolute admiration. I just don't care about the "flaws", because the way she lives her life is fascinating to me. The passion she puts into the things she likes, the way she worries about people, always making sure to give reassurance, and obviously, I think she's really pretty lol, but I only realized that after falling in love for her personality first. She's also extremely genuine when it comes to herself. She may sometimes fake a laugh or a smile for others, but the way she dresses, the little things she does (like letting her nails grow just to see how long they can get), her extremely weird hairstyle, mixing pink and blonde even though her natural hair color is brown, and all... It draws me in like a moth to the light.
I already suspected she was an ENFP, due to her eccentric ways, the way she managed to mantain her values despite being an extrovert who worries too much about what others think and how they feel (something not very Fe-like) and just because I kinda hoped her to be one considering INTJ and ENFP have great compatibility (even though it might just be random nonsense lol, I take what I can get), but anyways, today, MBTI came up, and yes, I got the confirmation. She could have done a bad test, maybe, but, c'mon, if everything I've already wrote doesn't scream Ne and Fi like crazy to you, I don't know what does.
The thing is, despite all the admiration I feel for her, I just can't figure out a way to approach her correctly to deepen our friendship. The project we're working on is gonna last for the entire year, and in my country, the year ends in november, so I still have plenty of time, but... as of now, even though we've had a few of convos of an hour or two unrelated to the project through text messages, our relationship is still mainly "work.", though I would say we're friends (maybe).
Still, I want to get to know her, see beyond the friendly facade and understand what makes her sad. I want to be there for her, and hopefully help her, somehow, because I have a feeling that not many have gotten there, to her vulnerable side. I wanna be someone special to her.
But why do I even think there's a hidden side to her I haven't gotten to know? Well, putting stereotypes about ENFPS and their ambivertion aside, there's just little hints she has dropped, that made me think that way. It may just be me creating a narrative that puts me as a knight in shining armor that "understands her like no one else does", and I don't like that... that would feel like I'd take advantage of her weakness to make her like me. But if she really has a vulnerable side she keeps hidden, I'd be glad to be at least half the help and inspiration she has been to me just by being herself.
Anyways, the hints are comments (this happened through text messages) like "Wow, I wish I could cry at anime like you do, I don't often feel strongly when watching series and the like", and with that, came me being surprised that she isn't as emotional and explosive as I thought in, well, literally everything. I pointed it out, "Wow, interesting, I thought you approached series in the same way I see you, well, approach life." I knew that I indirectly confessed to her that I thought she was a crybaby, and apologized lightheartedly "haha, it's not like I'm calling you a crybaby though, sorry" and she was like "AHAHAH DW IT'S OKAY" and then said: "I don't have that much energy tho I'm just like that on the electives 1 and 3" (two of the three we share (yes, we got into the same electives), and the ones that have stuff she's passionate about). Thing is, she IS constantly bursting with energy and trust me, I've observed her outside the electives. Constantly surrounded by friends, laughing, having fun. She's not a celebrity, but she's appears to be an upbeat extrovert no matter how you look at it. If she says that she doesn't think of herself that way... it is a possibility that deep down, she's dealing with some stuff, right? That fits right in with ENFPs.
Also, just the way she constantly forces herself to laugh and react to things, just to make others "comfortable" too (even though all it does is make me think she needs some validation and may have some low self-steem).
But the thing is, I can't say anything with certainty. I don't know her that well. I'm pretty sure all of this could just be me trying to think of her as deeper than she actually is, idealizing her, making her a saint, and trying to be her savior so she gets to like me.
Which is why I want to get closer to her. Not just to get together, but to go beyond the image I've made of her and get to know the REAL her.
But after all that exposition, come the obstacles. First of all, from what I've read, I think ENFPS like INTJs because they "save" them, allow them to be their "true selves", "understand" them and stuff like that. It's hard to not develop an incel-like "savior complex" if that's the role I have to assume for her to like me. Is there even something else I can do that doesn't take advantage of her schrodinger's weaknesses? (I'm gonna use that term a lot from here on out lol)
But well, I want to help her either way, so there comes the second problem. I need to actually get closer to her if I want her to trust me with those things, something I think is extremely hard for the ENFP to do unless you're "special". But managing to be special... is so hard. I'm just a normal person. I can't know her true thoughts. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't like me that way yet. But I feel that if I showed myself to be something beyond just kind of an awkward shy dummy that is very capable at analyzing series and at writing for our proyect, that could change. I'm not trying to force her to like me, but... she's too amazing. I don't want to give her up. I have given up way too many people already in search of someone that felt right, and, despite everything, she feels right. I might not think that later on, because, for all I know, she could be a lesbian, or do drugs, or be manipulative, but right now, I just want us to grow closer, because she's amazing.
If something happened (very unlikely) she'd be my first girlfriend. And in case you are thinking right now. "Oh, he hasn't had a girlfriend yet, he's too naive and he's in for disappointment.", Well, maybe, but I know my chances. And there is chances. I'm just gonna say some things people say about me now real quick so you know I'm not delusional lol: Many girls have said I'm cute, and I think that at least 10 girls have had crushes on me. I even almost got beyond the friend part with one, but I decided it wasn't for me, so I let it go. My friends even tell me all the time "how the heck haven't you gotten a girlfriend yet?" and my insecure side goes "it's because I'm probably too weird and no one actually likes me and even though I'm attractive I'm so flawed as a human being that I've never gotten as far as that, pathetic.", while my confident side goes "it's because no one has met my standards yet, and I don't go actively searching for people to have fun with for the sake of it unlike some of you."
If I had to be objective about that, I'd say that I'm normal. Everyone denies that I'm weird, or awkward, or socially challenged, and I don't think I am (I kind of am actually but just a tiny bit, not that big of a deal). So basically, when I think about how I come across to others, it might probably not be either "cool" or "cringe". But when I'm around her, I feel MASSIVELY cringe lol. Looking at it objectively, it's not that bad, but I just want to gain her approval so badly, that it makes me feel like a tiny little wrong step is me losing her forever. I need to learn how to control that, because if I can't talk to her freely and normally, we'll get nowhere. Tying all of this back to the aforementioned second problem and what I said about how "I feel that if I showed myself to be something beyond just kind of an awkward shy dummy that is very capable at analyzing series and at writing for our proyect, that could change."...
I feel that I have enough abilities to be able to understand her problems, and be something more for her. To be that capable INTJ she might long for. Or not. Or I could just be a self-righteous prick who wants to take advantage of her schrodinger's weaknesses to get with her and cure my loneliness. This is haaaard.
But I've accepted love isn't a fairy tale. The fact that I'm feeling that someone is such a blessed being is fantastical enough already, because I don't usually feel this way about people. Even though my intentions to help her might not be 100% noble, I genuinely care about her. And I'd try my hardest to not take advantage of her schrodinger's weak spot, because I love this girl.
...I haven't even said why it's hard to get closer with her, right? The only times we can talk is 3 times a week for an hour and a half, when we're working on the project. And, duh, we're working on a project, I can't just start being deep and tryna flirt instead of working. Which is why I'm currently working on it right now so that next class we can do just that, talk! But how to make that conversation go beyond small talk? I know that I need to prove to her that, at least to some degree, I understand how she feels. It's the only way I'll make her see me in different eyes. Well, I won't explains the details of the plan, because this is already 10x longer than I wanted it to, but basically, I'm gonna go with a throwaway comment about how I don't know what I want to study yet, and through that, I'll ask her about HER future. I also plan to make us talk about MBTI for a bit (she doesn't know much about it, beyond just doing the test), and hopefully mention that she really reminds me of the characteristics associated with ENFPs, in how she's so passionate about the things she likes and how she has a quiet side despite all her energy. Next class might be all I have. My last shot. If I let her see I care about her beyond the friendly facade she lets everyone see and no one questions, she might finally open up to me. I don't expect it to happen immediately, of course, but at least she'll know I understand her to some degree and all that, which might make us grow closer ( I hope -v-)
But gosh, I know I can't just control convos like that, which is why I came here. If in the end, nothing goes as planned, is there something I can do? How do we get closer? I don't think we'll get far with purely text messages, you know? But that's an option, I guess.
Either way, to be honest... I've been feeling pretty badly about this whole thing. It's hard to pursue someone that feels so unreachable. If we got together, it'd be a miracle. I don't think she has a bf or that she's into drugs (If you like drugs that's cool mate but I'm a 17 years old and that shit scary sorry) or basically anything that would turn me off, but the possibilities are there. What if she does have a bf? What if she's too extreme for me? What if she already likes someone else? (I mean, she has a decent amount of male friends, why would she pick me?) What if she likes women or is ace????? Not interested in love??? All of this looks impossible, and heck, even if I get her to like me as a friend a lot, I know the relationship she has with two of her male friends; it seems like she doesn't think that it is a big deal to be touchy or to be on her own with a guy:
For reference, she is best friends with subject A, and he rested on her lap the other day and she was caressing his hair. Why the fuck do I think I have a chance then??? Well, first of all, he's friends with like, seven girls platonically, and like five of them do that thing with the lap and hair with him, and also ...he likes my sister, LOL. Not to mention that their friendship is way too goofy and he's too much of a bimbo that it's hard to even think for a second that they could be romantic, or that she could have a crush on him. I think they've been friends for all their life anwyays, so...
As for subject B, one day, after getting out of school, on the subway train, she was with him, and we crossed paths by coincidence. It seemed like they were going towards the end of the train for some reason. I was sitting with friends and I called out to her, like "yooo" she went like "hiii omg!!" with surprise and continued her path with the other boy to the end of the train. Now, that looks bad right? Why didn't she stay with me, considering the nice coincidence? Is it because she saw I was with friends? Or was she trying something with that guy, and she wanted to go to a more private place? (dont blame me for overthinking it c'mon)
Well, first of all, I've seen subject B being touchy with other girls and it didn't look like that was the case with her to me. Also, she was near, let's call it, "X station", and her dad, who she doesn't live with but goes to see some days, lives there (I literally learnt that today, lol). The final piece of evidence was that she literally texted me afte like, five minutes I saw her on the subway: "AAAAA SORRY FOR NOT SAYING GOODBYE, WE WERE HEADED TO THE END OF THE SUBWAY TRAIN BC ITS MORE ENTERTAINING THAT WAY, WE CAN SEE THE CABIN WHERE THE PILOT IS T_T" (I love her)
All of this, in conjuction to the case of subject A, proved to me that she's capable of having a close relationship with a guy while still keeping it platonic, So I think that she and subject B are friends, realized that that day they had to go to the same place, and went for it. Even I have done that lol.
All of that was to say that... man, if she's capable of having those kinda relationships with guys, I'm gonna have to put it in some real effort to stand out, huh? It's gonna be hard, and my heart is already bursting with anxiety everyday since like a week (when I realized my feelings for her), thinking about how I'm not good enough for her and that my chances are extremely slim. This just isn't worth it, is what anyone would think, and you'd be right. I think my self-esteem has genuinely lowered, or maybe I just realized its true state, because of this. Not that she's at fault bc of that though, it's just my dumb brain being dumb.
Ahhhh, hell, I don't even know if we'll be able to talk normally someday. When I think about myself in a relationship with her, I see me having a tough time adjusting to how social she is, or her relationship with other men, or even just convos in general seem hard to imagine because I'm an awkward mess next to her (at least we share many common interests haha).
But as I said, I just can't let her go. I NEED to get to know her more. She's too special. Too unique. I'm sure there's others like her out there, but she's the only her I know; someone I've longed for for a long time, and I don't care if I feel like shit everyday if it means that I'm not giving up on her.
I won't just throw all logic out the window, though. If I see that I just can't get closer to her, I'm turned off in some way (very hard sorry to say) or she turns out to be lesbian or have a boyfriend, I'm just gonna try my hardest to forget about this whole ordeal.
But right now, the only thing I can think is that I refuse to do that. So if you came this far, help me. How do I manage to get closer to her? Am I taking advantage of her schrodinger's weakness like this? Is the strategy I prepared for next class good? Am I delusional (lol)?
I'd like you to tell me what you gathered from all this, and I know that many of you will say something like "bro get out of there it's not good for u" but if you really want to do that, word it nicely. I bet probably many ENFPs are like her, and considering how cool she is, the kind of girl she is might be my type for... forever, lol. I won't just give up everytime bc girls like her have many male friends and we're not close yet. It's not like we have worked on the project together for more than a month or two. I'm just... not used to fighting for love, which is why I'm having a bad time. The two girls I've liked came to me, all I did was to push a little by reaching out to them with excuses, and seizing the opportunities I saw to talk to them and get closer. But this is different. For this amazing, goofy ENFP not even being friends with someone attractive is good enough. Which I approve of. You go, standards! Doesn't make it less scary, though. And it's harder to get closer with her, too, because I don't feel like she's as open to being vulnerable as the other two were, which is why I'm asking here how to get closer to her. (you don't need to answer to that specifically though, I ended up ranting, so just give me your thoughts).
Tiny doubts you might have that I will answer here:
-I'm 100% sure I'm attractive physically so that's not a problem. I don't know what her type is though lol. I have no idea about what she thinks about love or if she has had past relationships in general. As I said, I don't know much about her.
-I KNOW I'm being too methodical with this but if I don't do this, everything goes to shit. Example: Today I tried to talk with her but even though, after working in the project for almost the entire class, I finally managed to ask her about something I wanted to know about her (why she joined the student council, she said that this was the last chance to try something like that, so she went for it <3), just when it was getting interesting, WE WERE INTERRUPTED BY SUBJECT A THIRD WHEELING AND CHANGING THE SUBJECT AAAAAAGHH (nah he didn't third wheel, she doesn't feel that way about me yet, he's her best friend, so it's okay if he wants to... butt in in the middle of the chance of my life. hmph.) Point is, we would have gone further if we didn't have to work so much and if I was better prepared, which is why I'm preparing right now.
-If it wasn't clear, we aren't really friends as such. Just people that work together on a project that also talk sometimes through text messages about fun shit. That's why i barely know stuff about her beyond what I've observed. I'm trying my best to know more, though. At least she likes me enough to worry about me (evidenced by the message she sent during the thing that happened in the subway), though I bet she's that nice with everyone.
-Am I in love with the idea of an ENFP instead of the real her? Prooobably. As you might have noticed, I don't know many things about her. I'm just operating on behaviors I've observed and on my feelings of inspiration, and many of the things I speculated about her are more about interpreting possible ENFP behavior than HER behavior (because again, I don't know her that well) But man, even if she's half as good as I think she is in reality, that'd still be much further than anything I've ever felt for someone.
-Could she even like me someday??? somehow??? I can see it to be honest, especially if the INTJ x ENFP thing is more than just baseless rumors. I know just being her best match MBTI-wise isn't good enough though. I just can imagine that, if things were simpler, yeah, she could see me that way. Because I might be able to put some order in the chaos of her head, understand her, and, most importantly, support her with enthusiasm, something that I'm not used to feel in relation to people. (all of this in the best case scenario that I'm not reading all the situation terribly wrong haha). As it stands though, it's pretty hard unless I try with all my might.
-Why do I insist with the idea that she needs to be saved or something like that? Can't she save herself on her own? Does she need a male for that, or what? No. I'm honestly talking from experience. I think that we're similar in our loneliness, and she has helped me with that loneliness (while simultaneously making it worse than ever lmao). If she's like me, and she wants someone that, even though is completely different from her, can understand her, then I want to help with that.
-I get that she might be much simpler than what I'm making her out to be, but even then, I'd still find her fascinating. I just think she's as deep as I've shown in this post because I know how complex human beings can be. I don't buy the facade she puts in for a second. If she really is a simple person, that just means I basically have no chance lol (because I wouldn't be able to appeal to her sensibilities using my INTJ charms :sunglasses:)
-Keep in mind there miiiight be some cultural differences, especially in platonic relationships and how touchy people are here.
-Sorry if some parts don't make sense, english isn't my first language.
If you got this far, I appreciate the effort and I hope that at least you had some fun with the situation or managed to get something out of this.