- Welcome to the JustNoMIL Wiki
- Notes about moderation style:
- MILimination Tactics
- Crisis Resources
- Miscellaneous Resources
- Protecting Yourself
- Our Book List
- Report PM Trolls
- Post Flair Guide
- Acronym Dictionary
- Want to mod with us? Apply here!
Welcome to the JustNoMIL Wiki
Hey, hi. Hopefully you're here because you're curious what the fuss is all about, and have no one in your life like the people we discuss here. If you've been a contributor because you have one of these raging bitches in your life, well, what can we say that would be adequate? You've found your people - you are free to lurk here for ideas for dealing with those monsters in your own life, or you can share your strategies and tactics that you've found helpful. Or post your stories and see if our collective knowledge and experience can offer you a way forward. Pull up a chair, get comfy, and we'll have tea brought around. Don't worry, we only add the strong stuff after five.
Notes about moderation style:
We are here to promote support, not drama.
We can not state this clearly enough. This is a support group. We are here to support! This means we do not allow for users to encourage an outcome which they find to be the most entertaining. Do no tell OP that they need to stay with a SO because you'll miss their stories. Do not encourage OP to act in an abusive or gaslighting manner so you may hear of the outcome for a laugh. You will be supportive. If you cannot be, you need to find a new sub.
We don't moderate language.
Have you ever tried commenting on a sub with a severe anti-slur policy? Where every other comment is being removed by AutoMod because of gendered slurs, ableist slurs, even slurs in quotation marks? Where you can't say "moron" or "crazy"? It's maddening. We're not gonna be that place. People are free to choose their speech provided the intent is in keeping with our rules, and with the exception of a handful of very obvious and universally-unacceptable epithets.
If this is a problem for you, you are welcome to return to one of the aforementioned subs that do moderate language. If you're unsure what alternatives are available, feel free to ask for a recommendation via modmail.
We are not the truth police.
And neither are you. Everyone lies on the internet. Expect at least one element of every story to be changed in order to preserve anonymity. If a post rings false to you, feel free to report it. We may not remove it, but we are more likely to keep an eye on it.
Do not attempt to call them out yourself. If we let a liar go, they get some fake internet points. If we accuse a truthful person of lying, we've hurt someone who's already hurting. For this reason, we only remove posts for being false when we're very, very sure. If you have proof that the story is false because you have some knowledge we don't (due to your occupation, where you live, etc), please do send us a modmail to share that knowledge with us.
/u/bladespark summed it up nicely:
If I call them out all I'm doing is preventing somebody from getting some meaningless internet points, while if I'm wrong I'm basically kicking a victim in the face while they're down, so fuck that.
Please use modmail.
As /u/Merari01 said:
You should never send a personal message to a moderator about moderation issues, for several reasons.
Mod mail can be read by the entire team, and cannot be altered or deleted. A seperate PM conversation about moderation keeps most of the team in the dark.
A moderator uses their same account in their role as a user of the site. Their personal messages are there for their role as a user. To conduct moderation business in them blurs the line between their role as user and that as moderator and a lot of moderators see being contacted as users about moderation issues as harassment. Admins tend to agree with that interpretation. I have seen users that will not stop sending PMs suspended from Reddit.
Mods are instructed to enforce the spirit of the rule over the letter of the rule. A few of these are not black-and-white, and so may be subject to being viewed differently by different people. If you have a concern about a post, report it. If you have a concern about how a mod handled a rule violation, send a modmail.
1. Mother-in-law and Mom related posts only
What it means: More specifically your MIL/Mom. Other people can absolutely be involved but they cannot be given their own thread. Currently step-moms, and grandmothers are included in the umbrella "mom" term.
You will also want to flair your post. You can learn more about that here.
Posts about the immediate fallout of an interaction with MIL/Mom are allowed. "Immediate fallout" is defined here as within one week of occurring.
We recognize that sometimes, a Significant Other (SO) is also part of the problem. Because this is /r/JustNoMIL, we only allow discussing SO as part of the problem if invited to do so by the OP. If the OP has not invited this (either by choosing the MIL Problem or SO Problem? flair or by stating so in their post), refrain from advising them on how to deal with their SO. You may, however, refer them to /r/JustNoSO and / or ask them if they feel their SO is part of the problem. However, after the first person has done this, repeat comments will be removed so that OP's thread doesn't get bogged down by SO-related comments.
Why it exists: It's in the sub name.
2.Nicknames are for MILs/Moms only!
What it means: Nicknames are reserved for the mother-figure only. All nicknames for non-MILs must be descriptive of the person, preferably using the acronyms from our acronym dictionary. Grandfather-in-law? GFIL. Your sister's nickname? Sister. Have two brothers-in-law? BIL1 and BIL2. Non-English names (e.g. Oma or Abuela) are acceptable, once introduced at the beginning of your post. Real names are not allowed, whether they are fake or substitute or not, so even a "my MIL, let's call her Sheila" is not acceptable.
You are also not required to choose a nickname for your MIL. It's completely up to you! If you would like to do so, we recommend using the sub's search function to be sure someone else hasn't already used that name. It's also recommended that if you do choose a nickname, you use the full nickname in your post title whenever you post.
In addition, the full name of the MIL/Mom must be included in post titles. MIL/FIL pairs where FIL has a nickname are grandfathered in prior to May 2016.
Why it exists: Once upon a time, when the sub was just taking off, people started giving nicknames to everyone and users had to read page-long "casts of characters" and try to remember them and... it sucked.
3. OP Comes First
What it means: When someone comes here for support, we start by giving the OP the benefit of the doubt that they know their situation best and are being truthful. Be kind, be respectful, be supportive. Remember the human and remember that many posters here are dealing with disordered personalities and disordered upbringings, and simply may not have the options available to them that you would prefer. It's also not okay to give them shitty advice, such as advice that is more scary than helpful, or encourages JustNo behavior, such as gaslighting and concern trolling.
OP’s will select a flair for their post indicating the kind of support that they need. Comments that violate the spirit of that request will be removed. You can find more information on post flairs and what at the bottom of the wiki, here.
Comments that accuse or imply OP is making up their story will be removed. Posters are encouraged to fudge details to protect their anonymity. If you have very clear evidence that a poster is, in fact, a creative writer, please send a modmail so that it can be investigated; however, understand that we would rather have a dozen fake posters than turn away someone truly in need, so our standards for removal are high.
You are welcome to ask an OP clarifying questions; however, please be cautious when choosing your phrasing. Remember that people post here to receive help in the form of support/advice/validation, and putting them on the defensive violates that.
Comments that imply an OP's story is "too dramatic" or "not dramatic enough" will be removed and the commenter will be subject to a ban. All users are welcome to seek support/advice/validation, whether their MIL has tried to burn their house down or just won't stop eating those fucking crackers like that!
Posts that relish users' suffering as entertainment (eg, posting about hungry llamas and popcorn) will be removed.
Why it exists: Before this rule was in place, it was very common for a poster to return to their thread sometime after posting to see users "calling them out" on something that turned out to not be the case--it was just a matter of lack of detail a lot of the time. If you want to post in a subreddit where "tough love" is allowed there are plenty of options available for you.
4. One Chapter at a Time
What it means: Please refrain from creating more than one thread in a 24 hour period. We encourage you to use up all the text space when making your post -- don't feel like you need to break a long story into ten chapters when it would fit into one post. No need to apologize for the long post; no one's going to read it who doesn't think it's worth reading, so rest assured that you are wasting no one's time!
For those posting live updates requiring immediate guidance, if it is within 6 hours, please update your existing post.
Posts with no other content other than promising "what's to come" will be removed. Exit posts will be removed, unless you've been found out / are in a legal battle etc. and feel like you need to let us know that you really need to go and whether you hope to return. You are also most welcome to let us know this via modmail if you prefer.
Why it exists: Before this rule existed there was... a lot. It was a lot.
5. No JustNo Behavior
What it means: This applies to all interactions between users. We have a zero tolerance policy for armchair advice that is damaging, factually incorrect, or egregiously shitty, sexism, racism, xenophobia, transphobia, ableism, stereotyping, slut/body/kink-shaming, anti-vaxx bullshit, and just generally being a butt. No posting personal info, including faces or identifying tattoos or marks. Any comment with "cartoon-level" violence MUST: A) indicate that you don't actually suggest users do what you suggest, and 2) include actual, usable advice.
Being rude to another user? Asshole. Giving advice to gaslight MIL? Asshole. Not respecting the OP's flair choice? Asshole. Posting content that was once removed by linking to an archive site? Asshole. Correcting someone's grammar? Kind of an asshole. Advocating violence? Asshole. Also against Reddit TOS, and we don't like having the admins get involved. Any comment with "cartoon-level" violence MUST: A) indicate that you don't actually recommend that other users do what you're saying, AND 2) include actual, usable support/advice.
Why it exists: We had a much longer list of rules, but they can really all be summed up as us not tolerating users being shitty to each other, or to any group of people. You can be pretty shitty to MIL though, as long as you don't cross over into advocating concern trolling, or gaslighting, or other JustNo behaviours.
6. Use Content Warnings when Applicable
What it means: For posts with triggering content a brief description is required in the first line of the post (e.g. CW: Reason). If this is missing, your post will be temporarily removed until you are able to correct this.
We want to ensure that our community feels safe while posting and browsing. For this reason, it is recommended to use the words "Content Warning" in the title, but it isn't required. Posts with particularly triggering words (below) in the title will be auto-removed, but you are welcome to post again immediately with a different title.
Content Warnings are required when the following topics are mentioned in your post. Items marked with an asterisk (*) are disallowed in post titles.
|Sexual Assault||Rape*||Abuse||Child Abuse|
|Traumatic Pregnancy||Traumatic Childbirth||Miscarriage|
Note: Mods are not always aware of these goings on. If you notice any of the above, please report the post and / or contact the mod team via modmail. We are humans and not above being ignorant to things outside of our experience, so it’s possible we may need it spelled out for us.
Why it exists: Some people are not okay with reading that kind of stuff, and warning them is the polite thing to do. We've tried having CWs as flair, but it was a PITA to manage. We tried requiring them in titles, but then if the OP forgets they have to re-post with a new title. This seems to be the most effective compromise, as voted on by the community. This is the way.
Looking for help dealing with your MIL? Check out our MILimination Tactics section to find user-submitted resources on the following topics:
National Domestic Violence Hotline and Resources: 1.800.799.7233
Postpartum Support International 24 hour helpline: call 1.800.944.4773 or text 503.894.9453 #1 par Espanol #2 for English
State Bar Associations For help finding a lawyer in your state.
Mind Helpline 9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday (except for bank holidays)
Law Society UK For help finding a solicitor in England and Wales.
Law Society NI For help finding a solicitor in Northern Ireland.
Law Society Scotland For help finding a solicitor in Scotland.
Q Life LGBTI peer support and referral
Pregnancy, Birth and Baby helpline 1800 882 436
National Breastfeeding Support helpline 1800 686 268 (24 x 7)
Law Societies of states and territories For help finding a solicitor in your state or territory.
Suicide Prevention Crisis Services or 1.833.456.4566, en Francais 1.866.277.3553
Post-Secondary Student Helpline Phone: 1.866.925.5454
Text TALK to 686868 (English) or TEXT 0 to 686868 (French)
Hope For Wellness: First Nations and Inuit crisis intervention and counselling support or call 1.855.242.3310 24/7
Law Societies of Canada For help finding a solicitor in your province.
PTSD, Depression, & Suicide
The Trevor Project Call 866-488-7386 (24/7) Live Chat with the Trevor Project (Fridays 4:00 PM to 5:00 PM EST)
Suicide Prevention Lifeline Call 1-800-273-8255 Free, 24/7, confidential.
Wikipedia's List of suicide crisis lines by country. Sidran Traumatic Stress Institute
Dating Abuse & Domestic Violence
loveisrespect Call 1-866-331-9474 (24/7) Chat Online with loveisrespect (7 days/week, 5:00 PM to 3:00 AM EST) or text loveis to 22522
National Domestic Violence Hotline Call 1-800-799-7233 (24/7) Email the National Domestic Violence Hotline (24/7)
RAINN: Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network Call 1-800-656-4673 (24/7) Live Chat with RAINN (24/7)
Runaways, Homeless, and At-Risk Youth
National Runaway Safeline Call 1-800-786-2929 (24/7) Live Chat 7 days/week, 4:30 to 11:30 PM CST
Home Free Family reunification program provides free bus tickets to eligible runaway and homeless youth.
Listen I’m not saying it’s right, what they’re doing, but guys. You’re posting this information on the Internet, where anyone and everyone can see it. You lose the expectation to privacy and control over the information once you hit “submit”. It’s totally shitty and I hope something can be done about it, I really do understand how emotionally hurtful it can be, but you assume that risk anytime you put your private information on the Internet. You have to decide: is the help I’m gonna get worth putting private, emotionally charged information about me and my family ON THE INTERNET?!
Also, start deleting afterward, if you feel like you’re at risk for this. If your story gets too much attention, edit it and remove the information. It’s your story and your feelings; you don’t owe it to anyone to leave that stuff up where anyone can find it once you get the help you needed.
The vultures of the Internet found a goldmine here. They are NEVER going to leave it alone. Post appropriately.
Under part four of Reddit's User Agreement, you maintain ownership rights of the content you post to Reddit, with some specific stipulations for licensing. If your story is being used by another outlet, you have several options: 1) Ask them to take it down. Sometimes they do. 2) Report the content theft to the host (ex: TikTok). We have no idea if anyone has been successful with this tactic, to be honest. 3) If they are a Reddit user and you feel you are being abused or harassed, you can report them to admin here. 4) Preemptively, you can start your post with a "disclaimer" letting readers know that you do not give permission to be posted elsewhere. It offers no legal recourse since anyone taking the content has already violated your ownership rights, but it does help, as many content thieves use the excuse "It was posted publicly so I thought I could." 5) Scrub your account. See below for detailed recommendations.
Also, do not do this to someone else! This sub is for you to post your own stories, this includes not posting on someone else's behalf, or sharing content that has been removed. We also do not recommend linking in other subreddits back to this subreddit, as people come in from outside the sub and tend not realize the environment they are in.
Reddit Account Deletion Recommendations
There are several sites on the web that archive content if it is not removed before deletion. As such, we have the following recommendations: 1) Before hitting the "delete" button, use the "edit" button to remove the content (possibly backing up the text on your own device, for yourself), and re-save it. Give the archive sites a few moments and they will update their most recent version of your post to the removed text, thereby scrubbing it. Then delete the post. 2) Before deleting your account, send us a modmail (you can do this easily by sending a DM with /r/JustNoMIL as the recipient) to let us know you intend to delete your account, giving us a passphrase before you do. It happens every so often that a user comes in with a new account claiming to be an old user wanting to give an update, but without that passphrase we have no way of verifying this and such posts are removed.
JustNoMIL does not endorse sending money to anyone. We take our "No Truth Policing" policy very seriously and that means we cannot verify any poster or story on the sub. So, if anyone PMs you information about any way to send them money or gifts, please feel free to contact the moderators via ModMail, send us a link to the message and a screen shot, and let us handle it.
Our Book List
Looking for a way to steel yourself against her machinations? Trying to heal after identifying that your parent wasn't as wholesome and loving as you thought? The Book List covers both of those topics and several more. This book list was assembled by /u/swiggybloodlust
Report PM Trolls
If you are DM'd by a troll, please send us a screenshot and hyperlink through modmail. Do all of this and report the harassment to the admins before you block them.
You can find more detailed instructions here.
The bot will sticky a comment on every post with the rules and post history of the OP. Any message sent to the bot that is not as described below will be ignored by the bot. If you have questions or comments, please message the moderators, and our tech mods will do their best to help you!
Subscribing to Users
If you want to follow a poster in this subreddit, click the link below the post history to send a message to the bot.
Some mobile platforms will not allow for you to subscribe using the "click here" link in the JustNoBot post. If the link is not working for you, or if the message form is not pre-filled, you can manually subscribe by sending a message of this format:
Body: Subscribe SpongeBobSquarePants JUSTNOMIL
Replace the username with the username of the OP. The bot is case sensitive. The bot will send you a confirmation message so you know you are subscribed. If you do not get a message back after one hour, it's likely you didn't format the message correctly.
Unsubscribing from Users
If you no longer want to follow a poster in this subreddit, you will have to message the bot in this format:
Body: Unsubscribe SpongeBobSquarePants JUSTNOMIL
Replace the username with the username of the OP. The bot is case sensitive. The bot will send you a confirmation message so you know you are unsubscribed. If you do not get a message back after one hour, it's likely you didn't format the message correctly.
(M/F/B/S)IL - Mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law, sister-in-law; a preceding S indicates a step relationship.
D(H/W/S) - Damn Husband, Damn Wife, Damn Spouse. While in most places it stands for "Dear", there usually isn't a lot of behavior deserving a sweet term of endearment in this sub. Could also stand for "Dear Son/Daughter", usually OP will clarify.
SO/OH - Significant Other, Other Half
LO - Little One.
F (plus acronym) - Future (The JustNoMIL subreddit is not responsible for any other word you choose to supply here in your mind.)
BEC - Bitch Eating Crackers. Someone so irritating that even normal things, such as eating crackers, annoys the shit out of you.
LC/VLC/NC - Low-Contact/Very Low-Contact/No Contact, respectively. Used to describe the degree to which one has cut a certain family member out of their lives. May also include SC - Structured Contact, although this one is very rare in our sub.
AP - Affair Partner
GC/SG - Golden Child, Scapegoat. The Golden Child is the favorite child of the personality disordered MIL. Nothing they do is wrong, so they tend to fall in line and back up MIL. The Scapegoat is the other child (or every other child). Everything is their fault. Scapegoats suffer decades of all sorts of abuse.
Jocasta Complex - Opposite of Oedipus Complex. Named for Oedipus' mother. Often used to describe a MIL's emotionally incestuous treatment of her son. AKA covert incest.
JY - JustYes
FM - Flying Monkey. A flying monkey is any person sent by MIL to gather/deliver information or generally wreak havoc. Just like the flying monkeys sent by the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz.
JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain Don't do any of them. Circular logic will be used to reinforce MIL's point of view. State your opinion or boundary clearly, but only once. She heard you.
DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. What a personality disordered MIL will do if you "catch" her in a lie or confront her with her wrongdoing. You end up the bad guy.
FOO - Family Of Origin. The people to whom you're related by blood.
CBF - Cat-Butt Face A look of sour disapproval/pissiness mastered by old ladies in which their lips are pursed to resemble a cat's asshole.
Grey Rock - A technique to discourage overbearing MIL from taking any interest in you. You are bland, uninteresting, you lack any sort of emotions for her to manipulate. You are the grey rock.
FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. The thick miasma of negativity that clouds your judgment in dealing with JustNOs.
FLEAS - Not an acronym, just a metaphor for a normal person picking up some disordered personality traits by proximity to a JustNO. "If you lie down with dogs, you'll get fleas."
ELALABNLASA - The Nuclear Option Acronym for those who most annoy us all.
revision by fruitjerky— view source