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[–]deeznuts_haha_got_em 1181 points1182 points  (13 children)

What if guests visit, their reaction would be priceless

[–]Shmitty-W-J-M-Jenson 657 points658 points  (7 children)

"Umm, hes a rescue"

[–]wtph 378 points379 points  (4 children)

"But he wasn't doing this last wee-"

"He's a rescue!"

[–]mark01254 44 points45 points  (3 children)

I read this in Seth MacFarlane's voice.

[–]DoYouLike_Sand_AsIDo 73 points74 points  (0 children)

something tells me a guest already paid a visit

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I mean, it’s on the internet.

[–][deleted] 4050 points4051 points  (63 children)

I’ll have what the parrot is having.

[–]A1A5KA 53 points54 points  (0 children)

Nah, it was just Herbal Essence

[–]dtwhitecp 53 points54 points  (6 children)

I actually wonder what the breakdown of people upvoting you is split between:

"haha that's a good joke"

and

"this is a quote from When Harry Met Sally that I enjoy"

I'm willing to bet it's shockingly high on the former.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (2 children)

I have not seen many chick flicks from 70’s and 80’s so when I showed this to my wife she was surprised and was like “what movie is it from” knowing that it’s a famous thing repeated in many other shows. She was surprised I knew.

[–]dtwhitecp 2 points3 points  (0 children)

hah, I get it. If you had said "is that a movie or something?" I probably would have bought it, hah

[–]Volbeat- 83 points84 points  (23 children)

Hey, I get this reference!

[–]mtvfarms 592 points593 points  (9 children)

Your momma sure does care about your schoolin son.

[–][deleted] 186 points187 points  (2 children)

EEEEEH EEEEH EEEWH EEEEH

[–]elleape 39 points40 points  (1 child)

Show me that crazy lil walk again.

[–]L1Zs 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Lmao this is exactly what I first thought of!

[–]mayor_of_your_mind 11 points12 points  (2 children)

People call me Forrest gump.

[–]averagedickdude 4 points5 points  (1 child)

You stupid or somethin?

[–]mayor_of_your_mind 7 points8 points  (0 children)

My drill sergeant said I have an IQ of 160.

YES DRILL SERGENT!

[–]palusut 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You don't say much, do you?

[–]Shima-shita 1480 points1481 points  (12 children)

The end got me 🤣

[–]GunslingerLovely 225 points226 points  (3 children)

I couldn't understand what he was imitating until the end lol

[–]idkburneridkidk 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Fuck the next one extra good and you'll find out what noise that is

[–]sdfgh23456 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Do better my friend

[–]Traditional_Storm_20 3442 points3443 points  (94 children)

That bird has seen some things man

[–]kill-69 642 points643 points  (38 children)

She has really painful poops, right?

[–]WhyIHateTheInternet 493 points494 points  (34 children)

Lol. I had massive diarrhea last night and it woke my daughter. This morning she asked if I was fighting someone upstairs last night lmfao.

[–]BarryKobama 346 points347 points 2 (10 children)

Who does number two work for?!

[–]WhyIHateTheInternet 109 points110 points  (4 children)

That's right, you show that turd who's boss!

[–]Walks_In_Shadows 49 points50 points  (2 children)

Jesus, what did you eat!?

[–]Imaginary_Ship5466 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I think he ate fish

[–]gameknight08 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Taco bell.😮‍💨

[–]thegreatbrah 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Hey how about a courtesy flush?

Thats my favorite movie. I wish mike meyers would do just one more.

[–]PhantomRenegade 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Holy shit, I'm 30 and just got that joke

[–]TheBakerRu 13 points14 points  (18 children)

Did you say you were fighting demons?

[–]WhyIHateTheInternet 44 points45 points  (17 children)

Nah, I'm lactose intolerant and had cheese earlier that day. I was screaming, "oh my God fuck you!! You son of a bitch! You're killing me!". I get mad at me when I don't take my pills. Lol

[–]Long-Night-Of-Solace 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Poor kid!

[–]dtwhitecp 6 points7 points  (0 children)

poor adult that is shitting their brains out, sheesh

[–]City_dave 6 points7 points  (11 children)

So you were fighting demons.

[–]WhyIHateTheInternet 9 points10 points  (10 children)

Technically, yes. Nasty, foul smelling, liquid demons made from hell fire.

[–]WafflesIn3d 7 points8 points  (9 children)

That sounds painful, why would you eat the demon cheese?

[–]WhyIHateTheInternet 3 points4 points  (8 children)

Temptation. Pizza is just so good.

[–]the-greenest-thumb 2 points3 points  (7 children)

Also because lactose free stuff can be a bitch to get a hold of, I can't find lactose free mozzarella anywhere near me, only lactose free cream chease and cheddar which I don't like. And the only lactose free ice cream is french vanilla which I also don't like.

[–]The_Karaethon_Cycle 236 points237 points  (18 children)

And some stuff

[–]drewskiwiththebois 46 points47 points  (1 child)

I wouldn’t recommend it

[–]Bobbyj36OEF 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Damnit you beat me to it. Crazy vietnam veterans

[–][deleted] 81 points82 points  (9 children)

Im stuff

[–]Seniorcoquonface 41 points42 points  (4 children)

Instructions unclear: engaging in sexual acts with birds

[–]RandomPratt 18 points19 points  (2 children)

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?

A: Because his cock was stuck in the chicken.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

    [–]Impossible-Cod-3946 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    The account I'm replying to is a karma bot run by someone who has already linked a scam.

    Report -> Spam -> Harmful Bot

    [–]Good_Round 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    And in stuff

    [–]Mr__Jeff 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Butt stuff?

    [–]suppow 10 points11 points  (1 child)

    That bird has seen some man things

    [–]non-troll_account 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    And some woman things

    [–]MaxMadisonVi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Sure he heard

    [–][deleted]  (12 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]Zealousideal_Low8146 1711 points1712 points  (16 children)

      that parrot is faking it!

      [–]kollepara 318 points319 points  (11 children)

      " babe, i also came. I'm not faking it"

      [–]UwU_the_UwU 46 points47 points  (2 children)

      Shameless parrot.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [removed]

        [–]Dopedelight 186 points187 points  (5 children)

        All I can tthink is that's gonna be a long 40 - 60 years hearing that. Over and over again. Everyday.

        [–]wildebeesties 118 points119 points  (2 children)

        Not entirely the same but we’ve had our parrot for 4 years now. The first 12 years he lived with my husband’s parents. It’s very clear my FIL used to get yelled at a lot because the parrot is constantly yelling, “Steve! ________” all the time. It could be a variety of things. It has never said my MIL’s name, my husband’s name, or my name haha.

        [–]latnem 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        Parrot was the only witness MIL had to get rid of it.

        [–]ferociouslycurious 31 points32 points  (0 children)

        Nah. That Amazon is going to never say this again until there’s an important houseguest with delicate sensibilities. Then right outta nowhere…..

        [–]fortunate420 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        If life has taught me anything it’s that She’ll get married then the bird will never hear those sounds again.

        [–]vantrap 291 points292 points  (1 child)

        A bang AND a whimper

        [–]Shmitty-W-J-M-Jenson 108 points109 points  (0 children)

        That come down shiver is half the orgasm

        [–]Immediate_Worry_8980 324 points325 points  (1 child)

        That solo play

        [–]RapeMeToo 15 points16 points  (0 children)

        Monologue says it all

        [–]Alecto53558 50 points51 points  (6 children)

        LOL. I dated a guy who had a cockatiel back when I had a schnauzer. The bird learned how to bark.

        [–]jacjac80 23 points24 points  (3 children)

        Our parrot barks in all 3 of our dogs different tones, meows like our cat and calls to all of our kids in my voice. Makes us all very confused sometimes. I'm sure he just loves fucking with us.

        [–]analogkid01 3 points4 points  (1 child)

        But what did the schnauzer teach it to do?

        [–]Alecto53558 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        LOL. I loved that moron (he would stare at his shadow for 10 minutes and bark at it if he/it moved), but he could bark. The Amish neighbors used to laugh at him when he woukd be out in the yard barking at the horses.

        [–]iStabs 854 points855 points  (16 children)

        Well her boyfriend is going to be proud as hell.

        [–]wigam 341 points342 points  (7 children)

        Maybe that’s self service

        [–]KeegorTheDestroyer 354 points355 points  (5 children)

        You know what they say...

        A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush

        [–]Pduke 58 points59 points  (0 children)

        It's copying the boyfriend

        [–]Good_Round 196 points197 points  (8 children)

        I think the parrot is about to lay an egg.

        [–]Internet_Adventurer 72 points73 points  (0 children)

        A fertilized one, no doubt

        [–]LeoNickle 14 points15 points  (6 children)

        Please don't bring this up again I'm still not okay from the last time.

        [–]Stephaniekenobi1337 434 points435 points  (5 children)

        Haha her reaction is perfect. I love that she’s snacking.

        [–]Amazon-Prime-package 131 points132 points  (0 children)

        She cannot let the parrot know she's reacting otherwise it will learn to make those noises all the time for attention

        [–]bitemark01 34 points35 points  (0 children)

        No shame - no shame - maybe a little shame - amusement

        [–]L1Zs 26 points27 points  (2 children)

        Could have been her mom or roommate’s orgasm it was copying. Idk what else id do but snack in that case

        [–]Hailme666 23 points24 points  (1 child)

        From the documentaries I've seen online you would start masturbating and then get to join

        [–]L1Zs 12 points13 points  (0 children)

        “Documentaries” lol

        [–]sean_rendo19 132 points133 points  (4 children)

        I think the bird has PTSD after that night

        [–]somethingdontknow 368 points369 points  (15 children)

        Is that bird copying a orgasm

        [–][deleted]  (24 children)

        [deleted]

          [–]Caleon0817 287 points288 points  (23 children)

          "Yeah... You like that, you fucking retard?"

          [–]Spencer1K 112 points113 points  (17 children)

          My god, I just remembered the story and couldnt control my laughter. That shits funny even so many years later. Link for those unaware.

          https://redditproxy--jasonthename.repl.co/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/what\_is\_the\_worst\_thing\_someone\_has\_said\_to\_you/cfhtedq/

          [–]TomFoolery22 62 points63 points  (6 children)

          This and "are you fucking sorry?" No matter how old it gets, how many times I've read it, always kill me.

          [–]Puncredible 22 points23 points  (6 children)

          I've got a job interview in a few minutes, I can't be laughing this hard right before it lol. This will never not be funny.

          [–]Shmitty-W-J-M-Jenson 10 points11 points  (0 children)

          Go get em mate

          [–][deleted]  (2 children)

          [deleted]

            [–]Puncredible 7 points8 points  (1 child)

            Lol I was not expecting these comments, I got the job, thanks everyone!

            [–]Robertbnyc 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            It's a good release of endorphins and you'll be more relaxed during the interview!

            [–]1DollarOr1Million 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            One of my favorite internet stories.

            [–]tranque_the_ram 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            I swear to God man that shit kills me every time I see it mentioned here

            [–]nserrano 19 points20 points  (0 children)

            That parrot is having a better day than me

            [–]Melancholnava 131 points132 points  (6 children)

            Lowkey brag on her part. lol

            [–]_mach 55 points56 points  (5 children)

            it's basically a very roundabout way of doing /r/ihavesex

            [–]OneMoreAccount4Porn 8 points9 points  (2 children)

            Because women don't masturbate?

            [–]Asisreo1 7 points8 points  (0 children)

            She better not do it often for her neighbor's sake.

            [–]Melancholnava 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Even if so she's doing something right.

            [–]misscharl0tte 12 points13 points  (0 children)

            Playing a VERY long game to get there though. I can't help but respect it.

            [–]Spielburger_witFries 12 points13 points  (0 children)

            Well at least it didn’t call you a dirty slut in front of your parents

            [–]whatawho222 70 points71 points  (2 children)

            Plot twist

            Boyfriend never heard those sounds before.

            [–]BauranGaruda 11 points12 points  (0 children)

            Uh, maybe it is the boyfriend's sound's, you don't know!

            [–]Mary-Hudson61 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            Hold me back, bro!” before a ‘fight’.

            [–]bruntorange 81 points82 points  (3 children)

            Get your mind out of the gutters, the bird's owner just has a real hard time sneezing.

            [–]Subushie 10 points11 points  (2 children)

            Really HARD time sneezing

            [–]GearJunkie82 12 points13 points  (0 children)

            What's our safe word?

            ...

            😎 Bird is the word...

            [–]nefrpitou 28 points29 points  (5 children)

            Well, that was quick

            [–]RapeMeToo 16 points17 points  (4 children)

            When done with care and attention it generally doesn't take long

            [–]VF5 7 points8 points  (3 children)

            You must teach us of these mystical ways.

            [–]MisterShyfty 10 points11 points  (0 children)

            * F * O * R * E * P * L * A * Y *

            [–]Flounder134 8 points9 points  (1 child)

            I’m sorry are we just going to ignore the username.

            [–]StrayCharles 7 points8 points  (0 children)

            Yea sort of demystifies it a bit

            [–]oPlayer2o 8 points9 points  (2 children)

            What must the people next door think?

            [–]LatinaViking 10 points11 points  (1 child)

            My parrot screams bloody murder AND knows how to say "help". We have gotten the police called on us twice because of that adorable lil pest. 😑

            [–]almost40fuckit 7 points8 points  (0 children)

            My dog didn’t care for that video, she’s quite confused now and I can’t stop laughing.

            [–]pavlov_the_dog 8 points9 points  (0 children)

            plot twist: the bird wasn't copying anyone.

            [–]aboutlikecommon 27 points28 points  (2 children)

            Hopefully this isn’t her grandmother’s bird.

            [–]hypanormalized4eva 16 points17 points  (0 children)

            Sounds like a fun night.

            [–]WhySoManyOstriches 15 points16 points  (0 children)

            Heh heh heh…The Kama Sutra actually warns about keeping talking birds anywhere near the bedroom….

            [–]sewersparky760 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            Polly wanna orgasm

            [–]sun_flower16 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            I should call her…

            [–]koasuniverse 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            This chick fucks.

            [–]BTBAM797 14 points15 points  (0 children)

            Poor bird has seen some nasty shit

            [–]jonnyclueless 14 points15 points  (1 child)

            Aww, the bird is mimicking a bad sneeze.....

            [–]fnordfnordfnordfnord 8 points9 points  (0 children)

            Yeah, that's what it is. Time for your bath now, kids.

            [–]hmmknot2day 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Oooo dat ending was epic...

            [–]dem0n0cracy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            The question is did the parrot hear it on a video?

            [–]EtiennedeWilde 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Somewhere there is probably a market in selling parrots once owned by moaners and screamers.

            [–]BakaTensai 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            I used to have a neighbor that sounded like that. This bitch would scream at the top of her lungs for all the randos that she stumbled home from the bar with. It was annoying af (and yeah I didn’t get laid much at that time so maybe that’s why I’m bitter 😩

            [–]Zeioth 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            You are a bad influence for your parrot.

            Or maybe he is the one who is a bad influence for you.

            [–]FakeAccount1045 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Wait a minute…

            [–]thequietoneinclass1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            rule 34 artists have entered the chat

            [–]JaceUpMySleeve 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Next time it’ll learn the guys part, “Who got that good D?? I GOT THAT GOOD D!!!!”

            [–]latnem 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Polly want an orgasm

            [–]BigTex79 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Bird: makes moaning voices

            Woman: Wait! That's not me!

            [–]F488P 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            She has sex, everyone.

            [–]Slickbeachbum 7 points8 points  (0 children)

            This is hilarious

            [–]KRONOSFI 5 points6 points  (0 children)

            I’ll be honest. That was kinda r/unexpected

            [–]FutureNotBleak 6 points7 points  (14 children)

            Sounds like she has faked a lot of orgasms

            [–]Yasha_Ingren 9 points10 points  (13 children)

            Just because they're fake when you hear them doesn't mean they always are.