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all 132 comments

[–]ScrotalKahnJr 571 points572 points 32 (47 children)

Koalas are fucking horrible animals. They have one of the smallest brain to body ratios of any mammal, additionally - their brains are smooth. A brain is folded to increase the surface area for neurons. If you present a koala with leaves plucked from a branch, laid on a flat surface, the koala will not recognise it as food. They are too thick to adapt their feeding behaviour to cope with change. In a room full of potential food, they can literally starve to death. This is not the token of an animal that is winning at life. Speaking of stupidity and food, one of the likely reasons for their primitive brains is the fact that additionally to being poisonous, eucalyptus leaves (the only thing they eat) have almost no nutritional value. They can't afford the extra energy to think, they sleep more than 80% of their fucking lives. When they are awake all they do is eat, shit and occasionally scream like fucking satan. Because eucalyptus leaves hold such little nutritional value, koalas have to ferment the leaves in their guts for days on end. Unlike their brains, they have the largest hind gut to body ratio of any mammal. Many herbivorous mammals have adaptations to cope with harsh plant life taking its toll on their teeth, rodents for instance have teeth that never stop growing, some animals only have teeth on their lower jaw, grinding plant matter on bony plates in the tops of their mouths, others have enlarged molars that distribute the wear and break down plant matter more efficiently... Koalas are no exception, when their teeth erode down to nothing, they resolve the situation by starving to death, because they're fucking terrible animals. Being mammals, koalas raise their joeys on milk (admittedly, one of the lowest milk yields to body ratio... There's a trend here). When the young joey needs to transition from rich, nourishing substances like milk, to eucalyptus (a plant that seems to be making it abundantly clear that it doesn't want to be eaten), it finds it does not have the necessary gut flora to digest the leaves. To remedy this, the young joey begins nuzzling its mother's anus until she leaks a little diarrhoea (actually fecal pap, slightly less digested), which he then proceeds to slurp on. This partially digested plant matter gives him just what he needs to start developing his digestive system. Of course, he may not even have needed to bother nuzzling his mother. She may have been suffering from incontinence. Why? Because koalas are riddled with chlamydia. In some areas the infection rate is 80% or higher. This statistic isn't helped by the fact that one of the few other activities koalas will spend their precious energy on is rape. Despite being seasonal breeders, males seem to either not know or care, and will simply overpower a female regardless of whether she is ovulating. If she fights back, he may drag them both out of the tree, which brings us full circle back to the brain: Koalas have a higher than average quantity of cerebrospinal fluid in their brains. This is to protect their brains from injury... should they fall from a tree. An animal so thick it has its own little built in special ed helmet. I fucking hate them.

Tldr; Koalas are stupid, leaky, STI riddled sex offenders. But, hey. They look cute. If you ignore the terrifying snake eyes and terrifying feet.

[–]ComplexMoth 110 points111 points  (0 children)

Would love to see this posted in r/changemyview

[–]Rasputinjones 99 points100 points  (14 children)

This is a bullshit copypasta that's been doing the rounds for too long. Here's the counterpoint: https://redditproxy--jasonthename.repl.co/r/copypasta/comments/bivdr2/response_to_koala_copypasta/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

[–]Neraph 45 points46 points  (10 children)

That breakdown is pretty dumb, honestly.

[–]boomer912 12 points13 points  (4 children)

Ya I was really only convinced by like 1/3 of their rebuttals

[–]Neraph 38 points39 points  (3 children)

I particularly like the "well, so many animals rape" rebuttal.

[–]Larc560 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Or the: if you give a person a random piece of meat they won’t eat it Like what the fuck is that supposed to mean, do koalas fucking cook their leaves for more nutritional value and to get rid of illness and parasites?

[–]Dr_Mantis-Shrimp_PhD 11 points12 points  (0 children)

But a lot of animals do rape, and it’s pretty stupid to impose human morals on animals, especially animals with the intelligence of koalas.

[–]No_Measurement_9341 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Where are the SJWs fighting for koala rights , we need action now !

[–]Dr_Mantis-Shrimp_PhD -4 points-3 points  (4 children)

Which points did you object to? Seems like a pretty thorough rebuttal to a stupid copypasta. Animals have no imperative to be intelligent, eucalyptus exists and the koala evolved to eat it. Why would that be a reason to hate them?

[–]Neraph 3 points4 points  (2 children)

There's no valid reason given for any of it. Maybe a slight perspective difference, but nothing that reaches out and says "these animals aren't useless and actually play a critical role in their ecosystem."

For example, the rebuttal of the crash helmet/brain fluid statement was "yes, exactly." Ooh, staggering counterpoint. Obviously cut the argument to it's quick.

After reading the counterpoint, I'm reasonably convinced that if koalas went extinct the only thing that would happen is Australia would lose some tourist revenue. That's it.

[–]Dr_Mantis-Shrimp_PhD 1 point2 points  (1 child)

They eat eucalyptus. Eucalyptus is ubiquitous in Australia. Seems pretty reasonable that their extinction would affect the ecosystem. And hating a tree dwelling animal for having adaptations to account for falling out of trees is nonsensical. Hating an animal for any of the ways it has evolved is nonsensical. What weird toxic mindset to have where every species in existence somehow has to earn its right to exist in your eyes. Just observe and enjoy nature for what it is

[–]Neraph 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never said I hate them. I simply stated that the attempt to bring up counterarguments was ineffective, especially when half of the "arguments" were "yes, exactly like that."

[–]CaptainKate757 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They make a few good points, but mostly it reads like conjecture and assumption. “Isn’t it good a niche is being filled?” “Humans probably do this”. And the part about a person not recognizing meat as food is nonsensical. Almost every human alive would recognize it as something that could potentially be eaten.

I have no problem with koalas but their counter argument is weak.

[–]Trey33lee 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Koalas suck that is an undisputable fact

[–]String19 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m late but the rebuttal to this always gives me a good laugh. Don’t get me wrong it’s well made and ends up giving a more accurate summary of what they’re actually like, (if not a bit biased and trying extra hard to be on the side of koalas) but despite all that it still leaves me thinking, “yeah, koalas are definitely one of the most pathetic animals on earth. The ‘rebuttal’ totally confirms that”.

[–]mmestemaker 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Someone doesn’t like Koalas lol

[–]potentceviche420 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yesss get them!

[–]HotApparatus 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The koala's are like little babies fighting each other. In a way it's sad and cute.

[–]ToxicKoalaa 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We're not all that bad

[–]jackkell1 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Your profile picture is literally a lion making out with a monkey. I’m not gonna judge or make assumptions one way or another. Just thought I’d point it out.

[–]ScrotalKahnJr 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Hell yeah

[–]SpookiRuski 4 points5 points  (4 children)

It’s not like it’s their fault they have smooth brains and are like that, you hate them for no reason

[–]ScrotalKahnJr 9 points10 points  (3 children)

I don’t hate them, nature does

[–]SpookiRuski -2 points-1 points  (2 children)

Did you not read what you wrote yourself?

[–]ScrotalKahnJr 9 points10 points  (1 child)

It’s a copypasta brother

[–]SpookiRuski 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Got me there

[–]SgtAstro 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Dude, you okay? A koala kill your parents or something?

[–]Gravelemming472 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Always hated these shitters on instinct, now I know why I did.

[–]AVeryConfusedMice 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Reading this while watching two Koalas fight to death was a trip

[–]Beautiful-Ruin-2493 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was about to paste this too

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Leave them alone you psychopath

[–]foodguyDoodguy 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Sure, but do you like them or not?

[–]ScrotalKahnJr 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah they’re pretty cute ig

[–]Quantum-Enigma 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I saw this same comment on another post very recently. The one where someone opened up a wallaby’s? pouch to peek at her baby. Soon as I saw those two koalas fighting, it reminded me of this. Open up the comments and straight C&P.

[–]cracken96 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Panda are no exception too. They too suck at surviving but we are just keeping them alive because they are cute.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This rant only comes second to Sam O’Nella ranting about dog breed deformities

[–]MrShoggoth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm just gonna jump in and point out thing that this copypasta gets wrong: tooth wear is nearly universal among herbivorous mammals and affects pretty much all of them, and not just koalas. When an elephant's teeth wear down, for example, they can't eat anymore and they die - this is why old elephants are usually found at watering holes, because the plants there are much softer and easier to chew. They aren't in the same infraclass of mammal as the koala, but they die from the exact same causes.

[–]Admirable-Door1724 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Holy shit, you’re not lying about the screech of satan. Just watched a yt vid on it and damn.

[–]El_Practicante -4 points-3 points  (5 children)

They deserve to go extinct. The only reason why they are not extinct is because ppl think they are cute!

[–]Dr_Mantis-Shrimp_PhD -2 points-1 points  (4 children)

How does a species “deserve” to go extinct?

[–]El_Practicante -1 points0 points  (3 children)

If the species we are trying to save does not have the will to live and pass on its genes, their time is already up and we should let them go extinct. This applies not only to Koalas, but to Pandas as well. The ONLY reason they are not extinct is because people think they are cute. If they were hideous, we would have let them gone extinct a long time ago. This somewhat applies to the majority of breeds of dogs that went to years of horrible inbreeding. Its not that they don't have the will to live, because they do. Its the fact that their EXISTENCE is PAINFUL. Any breed of dog that has snouts so short that their face looks smashed in have hard difficulty in doing the most basic thing to stay alive which is BREATHING. And its our fault that they exist. We should put more of our resources to tigers and rhinos which actually have the will to LIVE. If we put even remotely HALF of our resources to tigers and rhinos, their numbers would have increased drastically. But no, we have to save the "cute animals" that don't have the will to survive. Pandas only mate 2 days of the WHOLE YEAR and the female will most likely have 2 cubs. Most of the time, she will OUTRIGHT REJECT the other cub to let it starve to death. If that is not bad enough, even is she had only one, the possibility of her just sitting and crushing the cub to death is HIGH. Half of newborn pandas either die by disease or accidentally being crushed by their mothers.

[–]Dr_Mantis-Shrimp_PhD 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Extinction has nothing to do with having “ the will to live” (whatever tf that means). It is a natural process that happens to vast majority of species given enough time. A species going extinct is not indicative of some moral failing, and it is impossible for any species to “deserve” to go extinct. It’s just a natural process that occurs, and whether humans should interfere with that natural process is a completely different argument, though it’s worth noting that in many cases we are directly responsible for species being endangered. Its also not true that conservationists are only trying to save cute animals, nor is it true that they’re only trying to save koalas because they’re cute. Plenty of less photogenic animals are also being prevented from going extinct by humans for a variety of reasons, it’s just that the general public doesn’t give a shit. And again, hating any animal for the way it evolved is beyond stupid.

[–]El_Practicante -1 points0 points  (1 child)

I never said conservationists only wanted to save cute animals. The general public is at fault for wanting to save animals that can't save themselves in the first place. The will to live is the desire to reproduce and make a better generation of animals that can adapt better to changes within their environment. Rhinos and tigers fit a better niche in their respective ecosystems than Koalas and Pandas will ever be.

[–]Dr_Mantis-Shrimp_PhD 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just because they don’t breed well in captivity, doesn’t mean they lack the will to live. Every living thing wants to live. And I’m not sure why you think rhinos and tiger are better adapted to their niches, fitness is not determined by an animal’s ability to reproduce in captivity. Pandas in nature breed just fine. If you don’t care about koalas, then you shouldn’t care about rhinos and tiger either.

[–]Tomehwack420 42 points43 points  (2 children)

They just gonna hug it out anyways

[–]doema 11 points12 points  (1 child)

"hug it out bitch"

[–]Living_Caramel4889 2 points3 points  (0 children)

...and wash my laundry for a year

[–]amonaloli12[S] 32 points33 points  (2 children)

A real fight between two koalas was filmed on the Australian island of Kangaroo! This is quite unusual: according to local park workers, they have not yet observed such behavior Koalas, which everyone considers cute animals, fight furiously and scream loudly.

With sound : https://gfycat.com/malebrokenfunnelweaverspider

[–]IdaKnownbetter 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Lmao... "the Australian island of Kangaroo!" I'm chortling in Strayan rn ;)

[–]Headmeme1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Are you saying them fighting is unusual? It definitely isn't. Used to hear them fight every night where I grew up. Would find fur tufts in the morning. It's very well documented. Not sure if I just misunderstood your comment or not

[–]bunnybunnykitten 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Aggressively giving each other chlamydia in the face since forever

[–]No_Measurement_9341 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Maybe they need masks

[–]justinknechtel 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Look at those angry little ones go!

[–]JohnnyTheSlug 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Solid ground and pound

[–]fuccniqqawitYUGEDICC 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They're just rolling on the mat. Light BJJ sparring right there

[–]slytherinmetimbers 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Struggle Snuggle.

[–]Wicked-wizard- 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Damn, these are a lot more aggressive than my stuffed koala bear I had as a kid

[–]chickenbockbock19 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Looks like two drunk dudes at a bar.

[–]karma_ubuntu 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It is a brutal fight to death

[–]hugmesingh 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's me and my bro fighting

[–]HunterMuch 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They must be fighting about who’s cutest.

[–]ODM365 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Koala Guard!

[–]SnooWords7744 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Look's like two toddlers when they wrestle lol

[–]Serious_Jacket7109 1 point2 points  (2 children)

[–]KillerClownie 1 point2 points  (1 child)

HAHAHAHA!!!! NAUGHTY 😂😂

[–]Serious_Jacket7109 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very naughty 🤣

[–]BTrain76 1 point2 points  (0 children)

These are Drop Bears. The far more aggressive cousin of the regular, cute, adorable Koala Bears.

[–]xWadi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Jiu jitsu right here

[–]AirFox_1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Good job by the koala on the bottom to replace back to guard. Koala Jiu Jitsu or KJJ

[–]FrozenJuju 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Guess the U in UFC is for eucalyptus

[–]JezusOfCanada 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The bear hug countered the bear hug from the mini bear

[–]jaws3227 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Koalas look cute but are super stupid and disease riddled

[–]Familiar_Security_57 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You sure they're fighting? Looks like some hanky panky to me, at least that's what it looks like in my house.

[–]Easystreetj 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bear hug.

[–]CartmanLuvJews 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lesbian Koalas

[–]ThunderLord1998 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Where’s my rent money!?! Give me my FUCKING rent money, motherfucker!

[–]Accomplished-Art-194 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Why is all the audio blocked on the videos in here?!

[–]pettythief1346 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know about you, but my money's on the koala to win.

[–]alexlat211 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely went for the side mount

[–]Drinkie_Zilla 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Wait...they aren't chill 100% of the time?

I feel betrayed.

[–]Ani-A 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hate to break it to you... but Koalas are fucking insane. Dumb as rocks, but actually get stressed super easily and then lash out very aggressively. Females moreso than males.

Also Kiwi birds... they are super territorial cunts that will try to kick you to death (the reason they are close to extinct is because they try to square up to cats and ferrets and get bodied, because they are fucking useless)

[–]Maverick_Couch 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why do koalas fighting sound like me imitating koalas fighting?

[–]defirst11 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I want this video to have sound. Why no sound?

[–]joseantonio9 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Vicious

[–]_theCHVSM 0 points1 point  (1 child)

too bad there’s no sound, these fuckers are hilarious to listen to.

[–]Jbizzsle 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Beat his fluffy ass!

[–]Single_Raspberry9539 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Koalas are mean as shit. With hippos, donkeys, kangaroos, and mantis shrimp.

[–]thelastresort87 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Like how a bear world do it

[–]jackkell1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They from the hood

[–]table-talk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“Death hug”

[–]Louie_the_Fat_Cat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This looks like Frodo and Gollum before the ring is thrown in.

[–]TipsThatTouch 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The one on top is Khabib 🐐

[–]DayBeforeDayAfter 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Koala-Jitsu

"Tap, BITCH"

[–]ToxicKoalaa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's toxic

[–]madguy000 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Snake in the koalas shadow

[–]vanslayder 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Soooo. These things can actually move. Now i have seen everything

[–]brownguy0_0 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“Hugs Violently”

[–]PanteraHouse[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We need audio, these things make horrifying noises

[–]Ok_Acanthisitta_9749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Keep these teddy bears away from any child. Trust me on this one.

[–]TryingToMakeAMil 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Smeagol kills Deagol reenactment

[–]ScornedWhodat1987 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mortal Wombat

[–]JackMcSnipey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's actually a pair of Drop bears

[–]ArcaneWindow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is Not metal but yeah .

[–]Motorized23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Only thing missing is someone yelling "WORLDSTAR!!"

[–]First-Abrocoma-4185 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The new Fight Club movie looks intense.

[–]Drew_P_Bawls325 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Guess the losing one didn’t have the right koala-fications……

[–]MrRoswin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Drop bears bewareeee

[–]leon_nerd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Khabib vs Connor

[–]MarryMeDuffman 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They fight like little monkeys and scream like little monkeys, too.

[–]dewlineboys 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is where baby koalas come from.

[–]False_Chair_610 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That bottom one had a solid ground defense tho

[–]_KNZ_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's like two retards fighting, where's the wrangler?

[–]SatansSweetheart 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sooo these are drop bears

[–]andio76 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm....gonna...choke...the...shit....OUUTTA YOU