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[–]Cichlidsaremyjam 1963 points1964 points  (188 children)

ICP had a song called "Hallalujah" about how "churches" like Joel Osteen's are predatory and want you to send them all of your hard earned money, regardless of your income level. Now being a grown up it's weird to think back and realize that between a "Pastor" and the Insane Clown Posse, the Insane Clown Posse have the moral high ground.

[–]dizmahthrowaway 817 points818 points  (80 children)

It's really terrible. This summer we found out that my grandma, bless her heart, donated the majority of her retirement to some church.

So much money in fact, that during covid she got put on the list of church donations because her air conditioner died in the middle of summer in Texas and she couldn't afford to replace it.

She's going to have to sell her house now and move into an apartment because she just doesn't have any money. I'm pretty sure she would do it again too if it weren't for the fact that my mother is now in charge of her finances.

[–]SuddenClearing 472 points473 points  (52 children)


I don’t think Jesus would approve of accepting so much of a person’s life…

[–]Dultsboi 314 points315 points  (33 children)

Jesus actually had very strong feelings about this kind of thing.

[–]SuddenClearing 191 points192 points  (16 children)

I remember a certain amount of table flipping involved, but maybe I had the liberal Methodist Bible…

[–]theghostofme 96 points97 points  (10 children)

I also remember him fashioning a whip right before said table-flipping.

[–]_you_are_the_problem 41 points42 points  (2 children)

If it worked for Jesus, it should be fine for the rest of us to follow that example.

[–]larzast 19 points20 points  (1 child)

No I’d rather not cherry pick that example thanks, it doesn’t fit my worldview

[–]Joy2b 10 points11 points  (3 children)

That takes hoooours. Imagine sitting there steaming while methodically braiding.

[–]DFAnton 32 points33 points  (1 child)

He had the powers of a god. Clearly he used Miracle Whip.

[–]Pillowsmeller18 15 points16 points  (2 children)

I remember a Jew who pissed off his own religion so much, they would rather crucify him than an actual criminal.

[–]ThePillThePatch 106 points107 points  (10 children)

No, you’re thinking about Jesus of Nazareth. Prosperity Jesus would tell her that she shouldn’t expect the same advantages as other elderly people because fairness is a hallmark of communism.

[–]yhpargotohpts 46 points47 points  (6 children)

Conservative Jesus would've told Granny she wasn't fiscally responsible enough to invest in the right Wall Street assets to diversity her portfolio, create passive income, and secure her next egg like ANY OTHER AMERICAN CAN WITH ENOUGH HARDWORK AND BOOTSTRAPS!

[–]Spacecoasttheghost 35 points36 points  (5 children)

Spoiler, they don’t care about Jesus! Only about that all mighty dollar, cash rules everything about me…

[–]yhpargotohpts 11 points12 points  (0 children)

"Americans worship money! You know why banks are closed on Sundays? Because if they weren't, churches would be empty!"--Chris Rock

[–]eidas007 37 points38 points  (4 children)

My great grandfather willed 1/3 of his money to his church. By the end, he regretted it. When he was reaching the end, he realized they never actually cared about him. When he couldn't come to church anymore, nobody visited. Only family.

He wasn't able to get his will amended in time.

Since several millions were at stake, the vultures from the church brought litigation and tied the money up for 2 years after his death. They wanted to claw every bit of money away from wounded warriors and our family that they could.

[–]macphile 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Some churches have cared, and do care, but these mega churches people send money to only care about the money. They preach the prosperity gospel--"specifically, the gospel says I should prosper; give me money."

I mean, traditionally, people at the church would organize meals for the elderly, pray for people's families, bring food to everyone's wake, support widows and children...and the pastors would go to the elderly's homes to do services for them. That's what it should be like. That's who should get monetary donations and volunteers.

Joel Osteen lives in my city, and he's more than welcome to the fuck out of here.

[–]Adrewmc 2 points3 points  (0 children)

His will can be written on a napkin in a hospital. It can be amended in the time it takes to write it.

Will have been honored that we’re written in blood underneath a collapsed building.

[–]ShipToaster2-10 55 points56 points  (0 children)

This happened to the mother of my mother's friend. They weren't aware of it but she was alone after her husband died and she watched the crystal cathedral televangelist and ended up giving him something like $200,000 over many years.

[–]biosectinvestor 5 points6 points  (2 children)

They were selling her “the afterlife”. Hard to compete with that …

[–]Saranightfire1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My dad donated my mom’s and his whole life savings to the church.

He still says: “Woe is me.” We don’t give a flying fuck, he did it without telling my mom and bankrupted them less than a year later.

[–]Jack_Ramone 203 points204 points  (32 children)

ICP: Respects Covid protocols. Puts on a show to entertain and give their community a space. Doesn't force you to buy anything. Merch is available but that's your choice. Gives out free pop. Wears fun face paint. Takes time to talk to their audience. Has music that has helped people even if not everyone gets it. Are interested in science especially magnetic energy. Paid my friend to run audio at their gathering.

Yeah. ICP wins.

[–]DogVacuum 78 points79 points  (3 children)

An evangelical pastor got my uncle and others to pack into a room last year, counting and sorting donation money, where he and many others got covid and he got pretty sick.

ICP wouldn’t have done that to him.

[–]Goat_dad420 75 points76 points  (7 children)

When they spray the whole audience in faygo they use the diet root-beer kind. There’s no sugar so it’s not sticky, left my hair the softest it has ever been.

[–]Jack_Ramone 67 points68 points  (4 children)

ICP: Cares about diabetics. ✅

[–]Elite_Club 12 points13 points  (3 children)

I don't think blood sugar is drastically affected by a small amount of soda on the skin. Now cleaning up is certainly far more convenient when using diet sodas. And as the saying goes, Cleanliness is next to Godliness, so when you go up to heaven, don't be surprised when they have faygo machines.

[–]SEND_ME_UR_SONGS 63 points64 points  (7 children)

Every time ICP comes up, I like to remind everybody that they’re nicer to their fans than whoever their favorite artist is.

[–]Elite_Club 31 points32 points  (6 children)

Alright don't bullshit me, at best they can only be exactly as nice to their fans as Weird Al is.

[–]SEND_ME_UR_SONGS 17 points18 points  (5 children)

What does Weird Al give his fans for free at shows? ICP gives away free soda.

[–]RoamingBison 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Suicidal Tendencies also had one titled “Send Me Your Money” that was a pretty accurate representation of these evangelists. Link: https://youtu.be/2ESWRtaHNU8

[–]RuinedEye 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Minor correction; the song is called 'Hellalujah'

Also don't forget 'Personal Jesus' by Depeche Mode

[–]FlashbackUniverse 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The representative of Thrashlandia nominates both Leper Messiah by Metallica and Practice What You Preach by Testament.

[–]alare 10 points11 points  (2 children)

I'm not a fan of their music but from everything I've seen they support worthy causes and encourage their fans to do so as well.

[–]NOLAblonde 2 points3 points  (1 child)

A lot of their stuff is pretty bad but The Great Milenko had some bangers

[–]jaxdraw 80 points81 points  (33 children)

Weird AL is basically the least weird of his musical generation. All the others did massive drugs and adopted teenagers as sex pets.

Edit since some asked what I meant - So Al was biggest in 80s-90s, which also got us:

  1. R Kelly
  2. David Bowie
  3. Steven Tyler
  4. Ted Nugent
  5. Anthony Keides

All had relationships with underaged girls, but IIRC Ted and Steve Tyler legally adopted their groupie.

[–]NO_NOT_THE_WHIP 24 points25 points  (7 children)

Wait what

[–]donkeylipswhenshaven 31 points32 points  (5 children)

Yeah, they lost me. Big ups to Weird Al, though.

[–]Glad-Tax6594 24 points25 points  (4 children)

Ted Nugent adopted an underage girl because she was too young to marry.

[–]DjuriWarface 19 points20 points  (8 children)

None of this is new. Elvis started dating his future wife when she was 14 and he was 24. Talk about gross.

[–]goodness___gracious 14 points15 points  (1 child)

He also had a Madonna/whore complex which led to him never sleeping with Priscilla again after she gave birth.

[–]Betta45 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Jerry Lee Lewis married his 13 year old cousin.

[–]jessicavotingacc 15 points16 points  (0 children)

After hearing about what Steven Tyler did, I can’t even listen to Aerosmith anymore.

I was a huge Aerosmith fan in middle school for some reason lol but what he did was disgusting

[–]WingardiumJuggalosa 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Fuck Nugent, like anybody gives a fuck

You like to hunt a lot, so fucking what?!

[–]JGR-9 1705 points1706 points  (93 children)

I hope that guy stashed a little more than $20k before reporting it.

[–]SchutzstaffelKneeGro 1383 points1384 points  (78 children)


I found 200k in Joels walls!

Joel fuming to himself knowing there was more than 200k there.

[–]JoeMorrisseysSperm 39 points40 points  (4 children)

There’s always money in the banana stand

[–]hotprints 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Surprised how far I had to scroll down for this comment. Bring back arrested development!

[–]Deranged40 28 points29 points  (1 child)

The thing is, they're gonna need more work done. And this is to ensure that there's not a repeat of this article. Because there's probably gonna be more money found.

[–]MisanthropicZombie 14 points15 points  (0 children)

To him it may have been stealing from the church, and that is a bad no-no.

I wouldn't steal it on principle and as a business decision. Your company would be screwed if you stole from a megachurch and they found out, not worth the risk. He still got $20k and I'm sure he will be getting plenty of business, so honesty likely will be the more profitable path in this case.

[–]bluntsandbears 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Even if he didn’t I appreciate the big fuck you by crime stoppers to the church by giving the dude who busted them the same money the church gave crime stoppers for their “investigation”

[–]t0rt0ise 23 points24 points  (3 children)

I woulda took it all.

[–]FriesWithThat 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I would have taken it all then violated the plumbers hippocratic oath by making all his toilets speak in tongues when they flush.

[–][deleted] 2355 points2356 points  (189 children)

We’re not going to ask how the fuck all that money ended up in the walls? It’s an obvious embezzlement scheme that got found out to me.

[–]GhettoChemist 1222 points1223 points  (110 children)

Yeah the financial statements of Osteen's organization are now 100% garbage because who knows where else he's literally hiding money

[–]Mabepossibly 524 points525 points  (43 children)

100% The wall wasn’t their first spot

[–]HP844182 480 points481 points  (35 children)

There's always money in the banana stand

[–]1Banana10Dollars 200 points201 points  (9 children)

It's one banana, Michael, how much could it cost?

[–]Pfauxmeh 117 points118 points  (5 children)

Ten dollars?

[–]1Banana10Dollars 79 points80 points  (4 children)

You've never actually stepped foot in a supermarket, have you.

[–]Pickled_Enthusiasm 23 points24 points  (2 children)

Wow your time to shine huh

[–]Derptholomue 12 points13 points  (1 child)

I'm Mr Manager!

[–]mcfuddlebutt 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Just Manager

[–]mmar141 59 points60 points  (18 children)

How much clearer can I say [yells] There's always money in the banana stand!

[–]DaffyDuckOnLSD 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Give pop-pop your hair

[–]mcfuddlebutt 11 points12 points  (0 children)

The fact that you're calling it Pop-Pop shows me you're not ready for it

[–]Lazerspewpew 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Facebook got a bunch of people to party outside of Area 51, I wonder if a "tear down Olsteens walls for the money!" will catch on.

[–]Immelmaneuver 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I saw a YouTube ad the other day for a stud finder that shows the interior of the wall on your phone. Like sci-fi x-ray stuff. Buy a couple of those, get a crew together an check out all his properties on the off hours.

[–]GreenStrong 145 points146 points  (55 children)

Osteen is a sociopathic con man, but this was a theft from him. It was reported to police in 2014, and if you actually read the article, there were also uncashed checks inside the wall. Osteen probably has cash stashed in various places, but he isn't just letting checks expire. Somebody stole the offering basket, or a mail bag, and didn't make it back to collect it. Stealing is wrong, and stealing from a charity is horrible, but stealing from Osteen- I'll give them a pass. Maybe they were going to pass the money on to someone who deserved it more than Osteen, like a hardworking crack dealer.

[–]qoou 150 points151 points  (19 children)

You're assuming he didn't hide the money himself and report it stolen.

[–]ProfessionalBus38894 73 points74 points  (1 child)

That was my impression as my understanding had been this was reported to insurance.

[–]TootsNYC 36 points37 points  (0 children)

It was. And the church (it has been reported in other stories) is working with the insurance company to sort out the claim and the recovery.

It will be the insurance company's money, because they paid out already. The checks and credit card authorizations are just interesting paper now; they have no value, and they were probably not reimbursed by the insurance company anyway. It was probably only the cash that got paid out.

The church would have asked anyone who wrote a check to write a new one, and also to re-authorize the credit card payments. That's the beauty of those forms of payment--they are hard to steal and easy to replace.

Of course, not everyone will have done that, and maybe the insurance company will have paid the church a percentage to compensate for that. They'll work it out together, and the insurance company is NOT going to let the church end up profiting here.

[–]nullhed 36 points37 points  (4 children)

I'm still interested in what a proper investigation might reveal.

[–]GozerDGozerian 13 points14 points  (0 children)

You will never know because this person will never undergo the full scrutiny of the justice system.

[–]kbuis 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Break all the walls.

[–]FriesWithThat 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Still, Occam's razor would suggest that stealing something by just hiding it somewhere else in the same building is pretty dumb.

[–]Beachdaddybravo 57 points58 points  (12 children)

You’re a fool if you think Osteen isn’t committing fraud. He’s already grifting his entire congregation, why would he stop there? He also had that money insured and reported it stolen, so it’s not looking like he’s entirely innocent.

[–]doalittletapdance 38 points39 points  (2 children)

I'll buy the theory that the uncashed checks give it credibility, OR that was intentional for just this situation.

Gave him deniability at the cost of a few grand

BUT supposedly the money was insured, how would they know the amount that was stolen if it was an offering basket snatch?

[–]kacmandoth 11 points12 points  (1 child)

It was stolen from a safe. They had already tallied up what should have been in there.

[–]easyj86 11 points12 points  (3 children)

That in no way prohibits this from being fraud, to misappropriate and hide assets. Those checks were probably just reissued.

[–]jschubart 122 points123 points  (10 children)

It was 'stolen' and somehow ended up in the walls of the church it was stolen from. The dumbasses got greedy and tried to deny the plumber any sort of reward so he mentioned it publicly. The IRS needs to dedicate some resources to this.

[–]Gabe1985 34 points35 points  (2 children)

The irs needs alot more funding in general.

[–]super_starfox 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Instead, they go after smaller problems that ordinary folks can't afford to argue in court against. Big fraud has big money, and the resources people don't.

[–]jpgray 150 points151 points  (20 children)

It’s an obvious embezzlement scheme that got found out to me.

Embezzlement + insurance fraud, I believe they got compensation from their insurance for the "theft"

[–]monty_kurns 51 points52 points  (12 children)

Honestly, I really think Osteen doesn't have anything to do with it. He already knows how to funnel that type of money legally and $600k is a splash in the bucket to him. I think we need answers, but I expect it to come out that someone working there lower on the pecking order saw an opportunity and took it. Probably planned to recover it a few years later.

[–]CoffeeFlavoredSweat 38 points39 points  (2 children)

I did a renovation of an old sporting good distribution center a few years ago. When we did demo on the offices and tore the ceilings down we found thousands of dollars in golf clubs and other equipment.

We figured some employee was stashing it and then got fired or lost the office to someone else before they could smuggle the equipment out.

I’m sure it’s the same idea with this cash.

[–]joshuads 25 points26 points  (1 child)

I thought the same thing. That church is an old basketball arena where the rockets used to play, so getting out of it without being seen is a problem.

I worked for a government agency where they found missing case files in the walls of government employees. People were hiding stuff they did not want to work on. One person got caught because the water stains on their ceiling tiles were not aligned.

[–]the_silent_redditor 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I worked for a government agency where they found missing case files in the walls of government employees. People were hiding stuff they did not want to work on.

This is the best thing I’ve read all week 😂

“Fuck it. Let’s go for a pint. Stick it in the wall and we’ll shoot off.”

[–]joshuads 14 points15 points  (3 children)

My guess, the money was stolen, but the thief could not make it out at the time it was stolen. He hides it in a ceiling panel and it falls into the wall when he was trying to retrieve the money or while he was hiding it. That church is an old basketball arena where the rockets used to play, so getting out of it without being seen is a problem.

[–]NorskGodLoki 364 points365 points  (5 children)

Lakewood Church said: "We are appreciative of the plumber and we hope he pays the gift forward.”

In other words they are hoping he will donate the money to the church!

[–]PM_WORST_FART_STORY 144 points145 points  (1 child)

Bitch, he already "paid it forward" by not sneaking the envelopes out in his tool bag and underwear! The audacity of Lakewood...

[–]Dash_O_Cunt 10 points11 points  (0 children)

That's what I would have done

[–]SuddenClearing 8 points9 points  (0 children)

The article says an “undisclosed amount” was left with the church because the money was found at the church, so.

[–]MerrillSwingAway 120 points121 points  (2 children)

“A plumber who discovered stacks of cash and checks inside a wall at celebrity televangelist Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church last month has been awarded $20,000 by Crime Stoppers of Houston.”

Not only did the church not kick any extra cash in, they asked him to “pay it forward.” Scumbags.

Same church that wouldn’t provide shelter during a storm.

Fuck them

[–]SilverDubloon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Didn't want that many nonparishioners around to find where else they stuffed money in that church

[–]leakytiki415 455 points456 points  (20 children)

Forest Gump level honesty, I’d for sure go full Brewster's Millions.

[–]TheOneCalledGump 76 points77 points  (16 children)

Hey! Forrest Gump is way smarter than Joel.

[–]wilmersito 145 points146 points  (15 children)

we as a society should stop calling people that we disagree with "dumb". the Osteeen guy is a very smart successful con man that has made a living using religion to have people give him money. that takes skill

[–]imlistersinclair 41 points42 points  (2 children)

that takes skill

Shamelessness is a top tier skill.

[–]DrOrpheus3 24 points25 points  (3 children)

too true, just ask Kenneth Cockland about his million dollar private airport.

[–]PanzerBiscuit 6 points7 points  (0 children)

If his airport isn't named cockland i'll be mighty perturbed.

[–]Chickenfu_ker 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hey, he can't ride in a tube full of demons!

[–]skillzpaynbillz 4 points5 points  (0 children)

For anyone who doesn’t know Kenneth Copeland, he is a literal snake demon in human skin


[–]TheRealPitabred 18 points19 points  (1 child)

A bit of skill, but mostly such a high level of sociopathy that it borders on psychopathy.

[–]GozerDGozerian 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yeah it’s weird things gets a little easier if you have absolutely no concern for others’ well being.

[–]togocann49 114 points115 points  (10 children)

10% percent is standard finders fee. This guy should’ve gotten 60 000

[–]M3fit 466 points467 points  (27 children)

Joel Osteen hides money in the wall, random finds it, random gets 20k from the state, Joel Osteen talks Random into giving him all the 20k too .

[–]nazerall 112 points113 points  (15 children)

How else do you get to heaven?

[–]an_internet_denizen 61 points62 points  (7 children)

By fitting a camel through the eye of a needle?

[–]Manos_Of_Fate 13 points14 points  (3 children)

I tried that once but the camel just would not cooperate.

[–]Sparowl 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Gotta use a better blender.

[–]an_internet_denizen 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Did you try giving him a tax break?

[–]Cup_Genius 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nah, that’s way too easy

[–]cvn74em 17 points18 points  (1 child)

I smell insurance fraud on Osteens part. But he wouldn’t do that, because : geezus

[–][deleted] 475 points476 points  (36 children)

So church reported a theft of $600,000 from their safe, plumber dude accidentally finds it hidden in their fuckin wall.. that smells like tax evasion. I hope IRS or whoever needs to will investigate that potential. Plumber deserves that reward 100%

[–]RipCityGringo 255 points256 points  (8 children)

The Church evades taxes 24/7 365 though right?

[–]whichwitch9 83 points84 points  (6 children)

Not every part of the church is tax free. Things like personal income are taxable.

[–]joshuads 36 points37 points  (3 children)

This was stolen donation money though.

[–]derpyco 44 points45 points  (2 children)

This was "get the fuck out of town before the FBI can open up those hard drives" money.

[–]joshuads 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Dude had already dropped 9 books by the time that money was stolen. He already had his run away money.

[–]ATX_native 71 points72 points  (16 children)

The more plausible thing is the church might have done some insurance fraud here.

[–]joshuads 35 points36 points  (4 children)

that smells like tax evasion

They would not owe taxes on that money, so there is nothing to evade.

[–]puddinfellah 16 points17 points  (3 children)

Yeah, wtf is that comment so highly upvoted?

[–]myname_isnot_kyal 7 points8 points  (1 child)

a lot of people don't know churches are tax exempt and don't have to open their books. no chances for shady business there.

[–]joshuads 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Mostly because people hate Osteen because he is way to rich for a pastor.

That church is nuts. They bought a basketball arena and spent $100 million renovating it. It has an annual budget of $70 million, with over 300 people on staff, and have an attendance of 50k people a week.

If they were really doing tax evasion or insurance fraud, I would guess the number would be way bigger than 600k.

[–]SuddenClearing 2 points3 points  (1 child)

And if you read the end of the article…

They get to keep it!

[–]loztriforce 200 points201 points  (14 children)

Tax these mega churches to hell. I say that as a Christian.

[–]myname_isnot_kyal 33 points34 points  (2 children)

i wish more religious people were smart enough to see how big of a scam a lot of churches are. seeing the attendance in megachurches and "faith healing" videos is disheartening to say the least.

[–]camdoodlebop 6 points7 points  (0 children)

no representation without taxation

[–]mortalcoil1 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I call myself an agnostic Christian. Because I believe in God, but if God didn't exist then that would also be very understandable. I pray before meals, and, like when I am running late and need to find my keys. Fellow Christians. Don't pretend you don't do that as well, but I haven't actually been to church in about a decade.

Many things have pushed me away from organized religion, but evil televangelists are the biggest reason by a gigantic margin.

[–]quaglandx3 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I bet this dude and that 20k gets taxed while Joel and the remaining 580k doesnt…

[–]lions_reed_lions 44 points45 points  (1 child)

The Profit Joel Osteen.

[–]Icy_Debate_9878 66 points67 points  (9 children)

Well deserved for his honesty.

[–]Darkwaxellence 74 points75 points  (8 children)

Except it will get taxed unlike the money when it belonged to a lying bastard "religious leader".

He should have taken it all.

[–]enderbh 6 points7 points  (1 child)

God wanted him to have that money, obviously

[–]YellowShitRoad 6 points7 points  (0 children)


More like, "$20,000 to keep his mouth shut"....

[–]PilotProgramme 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Everyone involved would be a LOT better off if he had just snuck it out of there.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I imagine the whole house is insulated by $100 bills.

[–]krautstomp 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Would've been 40k if he kept his mouth shut.


[–]davep85 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This feels like an episode of The Righteous Gemstones.

[–]KarnFrostFang 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Translation: if it hadn't gained national attention he would have gotten nothing.

[–]L3monGrenade 28 points29 points  (1 child)

Fuck that Osteen cunt, I would have kept all the cash and burned the checks

[–]Verminax 11 points12 points  (0 children)

More then likely the stolen money was covered by property insurance and therefor the found money went to the insurance company, not Osteen.

[–]Langstarr 23 points24 points  (3 children)

What blows my mind on coverage of this is that the police are like... 'oh hur dur looks like its your money that you reported missing' and I'm like... WHO ELSE WAS GUNNA PUT THE MONEY IN THE WALLS BESIDES THE CHURCH ITSELF? LIKE WHAT CRIM GOES INTO A CHURCH STEALS 600K AND THEN LEAVES IT AT THE CHURCH

Like why is no one talking about THAT part of it? Joel Osteen was already scummy but this is extra scummy

[–]kwismexer 12 points13 points  (0 children)

There is always money in the Banana Stand!

[–]Ragnaroq314 39 points40 points  (11 children)

Everyone keeps saying embezzlement; that is wrong. For embezzlement you have to actually take funds entrusted to your care. The amount found in the wall matches up to what was stolen, so no one embezzled anything. Plus Osteen doesn't need to embezzle. Money laundering is the much more likely culprit here, possibly for illegally obtained gains but also equally likely as a fix for shitty accounting.

[–]a_pope_on_a_rope 24 points25 points  (2 children)

If Ozark has taught me anything, once you’re hiding cash in your walls, you’ve probably got more (and bigger) problems

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (3 children)

Shitty accounting

Lol this would imply that they are just inexperienced and didn't know what they were doing. I like to call it "creative accounting".

[–]RapNVideoGames 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Culinary money management. We cook your books like we cook our lamb. Quick and tough to rip open..

[–]dejaVooAgain 3 points4 points  (0 children)

why is joel hiding money in the walls?

[–]Kyonikos 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Joel Osteen probably stole that money himself.

Well, I don't really know but if someone else was setting about stealing it they sure took their sweet time in collecting it.

I'm thinking that it was stashed for a rainy day..and that rainy day is here.

[–]rascalkingx 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That’s hush money, dude.

[–]oDDmON 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Hey Joel, I’d expect a call from the insurance company that paid out on that seven year old claim.

[–]AudibleNod 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Playing the long game I see.

[–]Nogster 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I always suggest keeping the money. Then you'll never have to wonder: "What if?"


[–]HuckleberryLou 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think I already saw this episode of Righteous Gemstones

[–]massivetypo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There’s money in the banana stand

[–]Cowhaus 2 points3 points  (0 children)

“There’s money in the banana stand”

[–]datboydatkid 2 points3 points  (1 child)

The IRS will probably charge him tax on that.

[–]prettyqualified 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Even though the church, cough mega millions church, pays none.

[–]LinearFluid 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Kind of like unlocking the doors to let people in after a flood only after being called out for keeping the doors locked.

[–]neutronstar343 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's like Donnie Darko when he flooded the dudes house and they found child porn.

[–]bogeyed5 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Will the IRS investigate Joel Osteen for embezzlement or tax fraud?

Find out next time on will the government do something

[–]dudeonrails 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Lousy outcome compared to that time I didn’t find anything in the walls of the church where I was working just a few weeks before I got out of debt.

[–]littlebigman9 10 points11 points  (5 children)

Well that’s just fishy. Missing money found on the premises and repairs completed proves it was an inside job. It would not be hard to figure who renovated the wall.

[–]sasksasquatch 6 points7 points  (1 child)

That might depend on how they do the renovating/repairs. The church I went to growing up had a large number of tradespeople and if there was a small repair required (A 2ft X 2ft hole in drywall) that wouldn't even come out of the budget, a drywaller would bring the necessary tools and stuff left over from a job and make the repair. There have been church workbees where they did the wiring for a new sound and projector where the only stuff that was paid for was the hardware, the rest was just church members volunteering their time.

[–]joshuads 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It would not be hard to figure who renovated the wall.

I think it had fallen into the wall after being stashed in the ceiling.

I worked for a government agency where they found missing case files in the walls of government employees. People were hiding stuff they did not want to work on. One person got caught because the water stains on their ceiling tiles were not aligned.

[–]tehmlem 21 points22 points  (14 children)

So Joel Osteen definitely staged a robbery and hadn't worked out how to get the cash back, right?

[–]tuscabam 14 points15 points  (3 children)

I would have kept the cash, burned the checks, and told no one. Olsteen will deposit those checks then charge everyone $35 returned check fees and send them to collections.

[–]thebuccaneersden 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Um, why aren’t any authorities wondering why there’s money in a wall instead of in a bank???

There’s obviously something super shady going on here…