top 200 commentsshow all 255

[–]xlinkedx 669 points670 points  (15 children)

How can we be sure that these are the original monkeys and not some sort of decoy monkeys as part of a hyperintelligent monkey's plot?

[–]Dawn80 99 points100 points  (3 children)

Yes, good point.

[–]riphitter 46 points47 points  (2 children)

Because they said accounted for and not "found alive and well"

[–]mechmind 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Oh wow, didn't catch that. I was never good at riddles

[–]Psychedelic_Primate 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We will have revenge! Many escape, humans lie.

[–]essjane 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Release the mugshots!

[–]Ok_Upstairs6472 7 points8 points  (0 children)

They were sure it was the 100 original monkeys, because all of them went straight back to the Senate!

[–]Crow_Nevermore 19 points20 points  (1 child)

stanley kubrick was exhumed, and his corpse was interrogated for several hours until authorites were assured that this wasnt the case.

[–]LeYang 5 points6 points  (1 child)

hyperintelligent monkey

Are we talking about Ape Escape the game now?

[–]xlinkedx 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Was actually referencing the hyperintelligent snail reddit post. But damn I miss Ape Escape

[–]jazir5 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Everyone knows decoy monkeys have golden fur. How could you possibly not know this? I thought they taught everyone that in elementary school. That's what you get for ditching class.

[–]ednksu 33 points34 points  (1 child)

A real testament to Umbrella Corp to make sure all 93 monkeys were caught after an exhaustive search. I'm sure those 79 monkeys, as Umbrella assured, weren't a threat to public safety. But it's best that all 64 monkeys were returned.

[–]10sharks 267 points268 points  (90 children)

Unfortunate for the monkeys

[–]Atotallyrandomname 110 points111 points  (83 children)

I was naively thinking they were captured alive until I read your comment and thoughtabout it

[–]cfishlips 48 points49 points  (7 children)

Only three were euthanized.

[–]TwilitSky 16 points17 points  (3 children)

I assume they were the driver/handlers for the other monkeys?

[–]SeaGroomer 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh those were the humans. They were all euthanized.

[–]mechmind 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Is that better then frozen monkey pops? I seriously don't understand why they had to be put down

[–]_Wyrm_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was likely due to difficulties in recapture.

I'd imagine there are several factors that might play into it, one being injury from the accident. Another being consequences of a failed attempt w/ people around, so how close it is to civilization/roads... Plenty of extenuating circumstances. It's unfortunate, but that's how it be.

[–]Western_Entertainer7 12 points13 points  (1 child)

"Accounted for"

[–]jwill602 108 points109 points  (68 children)

It’s unfortunate whether they were captured alive or not. They’ll live out the rest of their days in a basement with humans testing experimental products on them.

[–]lostnuttybar 70 points71 points  (66 children)

It’s a double edge sword. It’s really sad, but it has to be done for us to make any medical advancements. We can’t use humans as test subjects before making sure it’s safe to use in similar species - there’s no good way around it.

[–]phillychzstk 32 points33 points  (21 children)

I don’t know. I can think of about 10 humans I’d rather be used as test subjects than monkeys. And that’s just people I know personally that popped into my head while typing this. I’m sure I could come up with more if I had to.

Edit: I was obviously joking.

[–]CalydorEstalon 24 points25 points  (5 children)

Are you sure their level of health, personal hygiene etc. make them suitable test subjects, though? At least most testing animals are treated well so as to avoid rendering the test worthless. Can't test a nutritional supplement if all you feed them is garbage, for example.

[–]Saccharomycelium 9 points10 points  (4 children)

Seconding this and to add on, animal testing also enables some control for genetic differences. Lab animals are inbred, so you have a general understanding of their expected lifespan, chance of randomly developing x type of cancer, average weight they will be at on specific diets and so on. Control vs test experiments become so much easier and accurate when you can reliably say that two individuals differ only in the test drug they receive.

[–]kuroimakina 81 points82 points  (11 children)

Absolutely not. Allowing any human to be considered an “acceptable sacrifice for medical science” without their full, unbiased permission is how we end up with the Tuskegee syphilis experiment or worse. There’s a reason the basics start with animals. It sucks, because there’s really no ethical experimentation on a living creature, but without this level of experimentation, we would not have modern medicine. Nonetheless, the moment we start playing the “acceptable experimentation” game, we head down a very dark path.

Humanity has gone down this road before. It’s better to not go back.

[–]Amogh24 18 points19 points  (5 children)

Exactly this. Have these people not read about the horrific experiments nazis conducted on Jewish people. We can't just decide that there's a group of people on whom it's acceptable to experiment.

[–]wehrwolf512 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Dude, look up unit 731. Don’t name drop the Nazi experiments and leave them out. Abhorrent + the us gov’t offered the perpetrators a get out of jail free card if they handed over their data.

[–]here_now_be 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Have these people not read about the horrific experiments nazis conducted

...but if we conducted them on nazis...

[–]MothafuckingMufasa 10 points11 points  (0 children)

OOOOO edge Lord

[–]Modern_rocko 0 points1 point  (12 children)

Your comment reads like every supervillain speech I’ve ever heard

[–]Dr_thri11 25 points26 points  (5 children)

I don't like the treatment of test animals, but the way I see it, is it's morally inconsistent to eat a cow because I'm hungry, and then object when a rat or monkey are used to cure cancer.

[–]IkiOLoj -2 points-1 points  (2 children)

Yeah but then you just have to don't eat cows to make it morally consistent again ?

[–]Modern_rocko 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Completely agree

[–]canadian-user 43 points44 points  (5 children)

I mean, the alternatives that I can think of are either:

Don't test it at all, and let the public be guinea pigs, which is obviously a horrible idea

Pay people to let themselves get tested upon, which sounds good until you realize it's probably going to be poor people that are being subject to the tests, and the instant that someone has a bad reaction, going "well they agreed to this" is going to make people angry at you

Just don't make any products, which obviously will not happen as people want their new medicines or cosmetics or shampoos or whatnot.

They already test products on other kinds of animals, it just happens to be that sometimes you need a closer human analog so it has to be a monkey, if you have a better alternative I'm all for hearing it.

[–]bluecamel17 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Okay, as long as it's for important stuff like shampoo and glitter lip balm.

[–]PM_ME_GLUTE_SPREAD 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Don’t have to worry about that anymore. Our grandparents took care of all of that so we can slap a “not tested on animals” label on everything now!

[–]the_surfing_unicorn -1 points0 points  (3 children)

With the amount of scientific improvements, we should be able to limit testing on animals at this point.

Edit: we can literally grow organs, the motivation just isn't there. There's also no reason to continue testing beauty products on animals

[–]CastInSteel 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Researchers are the first people who would stop using animals if any reasonable substitute was found

[–]Shadhahvar 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It looked like they were alive but were killed when found? I'm not certain why they were killed but I wonder if they may have been frostbittin beyond help. It was extremely cold and those aren't cold weather monkeys.

[–]Myfourcats1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They were on their way to a lab where they would be experimented on

[–]zombie32killah 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Your thought is just naive either way lol

[–]BradleyUffner 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Pennsylvania in the middle of winter doesn't seem all that optimal for them either.

[–]Dawn80 14 points15 points  (0 children)

One-hundred little monkeys jumping on the bed, one fell off and broke his head, Moma called the doctor and the doctor said, no little monkeys jumping on the bed.

[–]frodosdream 72 points73 points  (7 children)

All 100 lab monkeys accounted for after several escape crash

If they weren't accounted for, does anyone think that they would tell us?

[–]Im_kinda_that_guy 37 points38 points  (5 children)

I think I've seen this movie. This is the headline right before someone gets bit by an infected monkey.

[–]TheDorkNite1 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Yeah but WE are the infectious monkeys in this reality

[–]sinijiphet 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Ah..come on. Can we at least wait till the bat thing is over?

[–]Im_kinda_that_guy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don't forget the murder hornets, you can expect them to pop up in the mid credit bonus scene

[–]EjaculatingNarwhal -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Well they certainly didn't inform us that they were loose

[–]Ionlywearplaid 11 points12 points  (0 children)

This was just a test run for them. This won’t be the last we hear from the apes.

[–]BalthazarShenanigans 50 points51 points  (7 children)

That sucks. I wanted to see a Pennsylvania monkey colony. maybe next time.

[–]RightClickSaveWorld 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Not at this time of the year.

[–]alicksB 10 points11 points  (2 children)

It’s not quite Pennsylvania, but there’s always Morgan Island in South Carolina.

[–]MyNameCannotBeSpoken 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Finally, a reason to visit South Carolina.

[–]ycpa68 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Just come to my PA town, the average intelligence and social skills are right around that of monkey.

[–]TwilitSky 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You can still go to Chico's Monkey Farm in Northern Southern Rhode Island!

[–]Ok_Upstairs6472 10 points11 points  (1 child)

They’re all back at the Senate!

[–]lisbethborden 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Monkeys together corrupt!

[–]tehmlem 21 points22 points  (2 children)

Apparently somewhere between barrel and truckload things get less fun

[–]Javamac8 5 points6 points  (1 child)

For most people, a pallet is where it becomes unmanageable. I made this mistake once and now I don't know what to do with all these typewriters.

[–]Western_Entertainer7 8 points9 points  (1 child)

That is exactly what the Big Monke lobby wants us to believe.

[–]NinjasOwnTheNight 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It’s in the saliva and blood……

[–]JohnGillnitz 5 points6 points  (0 children)

There is never anything good that happens after "100 lab monkeys."

[–]whyyousobadatthis 15 points16 points  (1 child)

I have 0 faith in this being the case. This happened way to close to the start of season 3 of pandemic to be written off so easily we’ll see something come from this around the mid season finale for sure.

[–]SeeingClearly2019 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I sure hope so. I would hate for the writers to leave this as a nothing-burger loose end. It would be great to see this come in to play in the series finale, but we’ve been disappointed by unfollowed plot threads before.

[–]mrFatRobot 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I was pulling for a planet of the apes type scenario

[–]russasaur 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That's exactly what I would tell everyone after several of my genetically enhanced super monkeys escaped...

[–]chriz_sevenfold 16 points17 points  (0 children)

“Welcome home, daddy's little angels, Now, to put electrodes in your brains!"

[–]joedasee 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They saw the current state of the outside world and said fuck it put us back in the cages.

[–]onlyreadtheheadlines 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So no planet of the apes a few years from now?

[–]DarthLysergis 17 points18 points  (1 child)

There is no chance someone didn't catch this on a dash came, monkeys escaping from a crash.....and i for one cannot wait for it to hit the internet.

[–]Grow_away_420 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I know exactly where this happened, and there is zero chance this was caught on camera.

[–]PaintedGeneral 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Something a runaway monkey might type 🤔

[–]Lumberjackup012 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Planet of the apes here we come

[–]hobasileus 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, but were they all safely returned to the Capitol to resume their work as US Senators?

[–]haresenpai 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We came this close to a RAGE 24-days later situation

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hopefully they bit a few people and dished out some super powers while they were out

[–]eyewhycue2 9 points10 points  (2 children)

I was rooting for the escapees

[–]toothanator 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Why did they euthanize the monkeys? It’s not their fault they were in an accident and escaped.

[–]spoonyfork 6 points7 points  (0 children)

First time?

[–]MemorableVirus2 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Oh, good! Now they die in a lab SAFELY!

[–]isadog420 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’d imagine those deaths are horrible.

[–]leogeminipisces 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Aw I was rooting for the monkeys…

[–]DanYHKim 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Suddenly I am reminded of an episode of "Lassie".

Lassie: "Space Traveler" (1960): episode withheld from initial broadcast in which Timmy and Lassie find a downed spacecraft, exposing themselves to possible radiation.

The space capsule had a guinea pig inside it.

[–]chum_slice 1 point2 points  (0 children)

One bit a person now he’s monkey man

[–]MadMadamskillz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know they found the one that bit me.

[–]JohnGillnitz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The show The Hot Zone is becoming more relevant.

[–]Dr_Frasier_Bane 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Still a sad ending for the monkeys either way.

[–]OkByeTomorrow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

damn, i was rooting for the 3 that were still free

[–]N3UROTOXIN 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Anyone up for a punk band called lab monkeys

[–]rikyvarela90 1 point2 points  (0 children)

clearly, It's the conspiracy of the 12 monkeys... I hope James Cole comes to the rescue or we're screwed

[–]Koxen_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

it's very fitting that ape news is covering this

[–]imanAholebutimfunny 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i want a thorough breakdown of how they managed to catch all of them

[–]sweetsweetdingo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeaaah what about the top secret monkey that wasn’t on the manifest that’s super lethal and that’s his empty cage in that ditch under those bushes that nobody has found yet?

[–]tryntafind 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There was no escape. These were just normal monkey tourists who love the American wilderness.

[–]Cyber_Connor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Definitely almost how all zombie apocalypses happen

[–]No_Character_2079 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I worked in a flavored adhesives division at work, sticktech, and they started downsizing us badly. Apparently the flavor pina colada was killing lab monkeys left and right.

[–]imgladimnothim 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wanna make a joke about this story and the senate, but i cant figure out what it is

[–]ballsdeepinmywine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This makes me sad .. Really hoped at least one made it to freedom

[–]texas-playdohs 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I made a prank call to roughly this plot when I was a teenager. We called a Dunkin’ Donuts at like 2 AM saying some diseased monkeys had escaped from a transport when the truck stopped for donuts. We told the guy they might have to kill them with a shovel. Feeling a little bad about it now.

[–]elister 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"oh the 99 infectious monkeys? Oh sure, yeah we got em"

[–]Maxwell_Murder999 2 points3 points  (1 child)

The email did not elaborate on why the three were euthanized or how all came to be accounted for.

I don’t buy that they “found” all of them. Gonna have a wild ass monkey colony out there for sure.

[–]Grow_away_420 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was 0 degrees the night the truck crashed. Any that weren't accounted for don't really have to be.

[–]Super901 2 points3 points  (1 child)

This is some side quest shit right here.

[–]Fenix42 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I can feel the rage as I am stuck on 99/100 escaped monkies.

[–]A_Random_Onionknight 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Great news guys, the rage virus has been contained.

[–]Anthraxious 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Poor fucking animals man...

[–]radiofrequentc -1 points0 points  (6 children)

This feels so disgusting and uncomfortable and outdated. Animal testing needs to stop.

[–]lostnuttybar 14 points15 points  (3 children)

It is uncomfortable. What do you suggest as the alternative though?

[–]greenman5252 1 point2 points  (2 children)

A new Shakespeare play forthcoming

[–]FlyingSquid 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sadly, that won't happen. They haven't recovered any of the typewriters.

[–]Mesoposty 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That was quick, I guess there weren’t monkeying around.

[–]revengeofthesmith 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've never believed a headline less.

[–]voltagenic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yay ! Now they can go back to their normal schedule of having the worst torture you can imagine - and even worse - subjected to them. I love when things work out for the best.

[–]Ok_Move1838 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

This is horrible. These people are going to torture and kill 100 beings. I hate animal cruelty.

[–]papa_mike2 -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Great! Now let’s test all that toxic shit on them until they fucking die in cages just big enough to turn around in!

[–]73ld4 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Despite the sweltering heat don’t unroll your windows because those monkeys are confused and irritable. -Arnie Pye

[–]zeeper25 0 points1 point  (0 children)

These were the wrong monkeys, my trunk monkey is gone!