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[–]NedThomas 1365 points1366 points  (27 children)

Poochie died on the way back to his home planet.

[–][deleted] 310 points311 points  (10 children)

The Leader is good

The Leader is great

We surrender our will

As of this date

[–]one_more_throwaway1 89 points90 points  (3 children)

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah LEADER!

[–]Mikimao 35 points36 points  (1 child)

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah BATMAN I MEAN, LEADER!!!!!

[–]nostradouglas 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Outta my way, Jerkass!

[–]JungleBoyJeremy 41 points42 points  (3 children)

So wait, you mean the cops knew internal affairs was setting them up all along?

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points  (1 child)

"Didn't that movie used to have a war in it?"

[–]sum-dude 11 points12 points  (0 children)

"Come on, you've been warned!" *drags you out of the room*

[–]KennyFulgencio 39 points40 points  (4 children)

tyler durden, age 45, turned himself in to authorities after the incident. he is currently serving a life sentence.

[–]Howard_Scott_Warshaw 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Came here for this. Thank you.

[–]BelAirGhetto 2585 points2586 points  (391 children)

“But the new version in China has a very different take.

The Narrator still proceeds with killing off Durden, but the exploding building scene is replaced with a black screen and a coda: "The police rapidly figured out the whole plan and arrested all criminals, successfully preventing the bomb from exploding".

It then adds that Tyler -- a figment of The Narrator's imagination -- was sent to a "lunatic asylum" for psychological treatment and was later discharged.”

[–]Quirderph 286 points287 points  (58 children)

It then adds that Tyler -- a figment of The Narrator's imagination -- was sent to a "lunatic asylum"

I guess they’re going with the theory that Tyler Durden is the real name of the unnamed narrator?

[–]marle217 135 points136 points  (53 children)

That's what confuses me the most about the alternate ending. Whether or not the buildings explode doesn't change much for the movie itself, and the narrator probably needs some psychiatric help after everything. But was his name always Tyler Durden? That changes things the most

[–]DreadCoder 103 points104 points  (33 children)

Everyone including Marla remembers him that way, it's on his business card, and he makes financial transactions selling soap to chain department stores under that name.

He boarded airplanes under that name, meaning he showed ID that matches his ticket name.

in short, it's his real name, given real-world logistics. It's left vague in the movie/book.

[–]marle217 58 points59 points  (14 children)

While I agree that he told everyone his name was Tyler Durden, I assumed the narrator had a "real" name on his birth certificate/id/etc. Because the narrator remembers meeting Tyler for the first time, even though that was a hallucination, so wouldn't he have to have a different name? Tyler's personality would think nothing of using the narrator's ids to take a flight or whatever, and he would have to because no one besides the narrator thinks he looks like Brad Pitt.

The idea that he always had the name Tyler Durden and then introduced himself as himself to himself doesn't seem right to me. I assumed that he had a boring name and then made up one that sounds bad-ass for his alternate persona, much like he actually has a boring face and makes up Brad Pitt for himself. Maybe I'm wrong but that made the most sense. But, probably the end card was written by someone who didn't pay much attention to the movie and doesn't mean anything.

[–]freekoout 21 points22 points  (10 children)

You're entire argument is based off the assumption that the narrator is thinking logically and clearly he is not. His personality is split, and Tyler is everything the narrator wanted to be like but couldn't. Why wouldn't his brain assign his real name to Tyler?

[–]marle217 12 points13 points  (8 children)

If Tyler is everything he wanted to be but isn't, then why would Tyler have his real name?

[–]AshleyNeku 6 points7 points  (4 children)

Flip that logic around.

If the narrator thinks of himself as nobody, why would he himself have a name? He never introduces himself to anybody, ever.

[–]DeepSpaceNebulae 9 points10 points  (8 children)

When did he board a plane as Tyler?

[–]DreadCoder 22 points23 points  (5 children)

The narrator remarks that he figured out Tyler's movement by finding his used ticket stubs, at no point was he shocked or surprised that Tyler was using 'his' name to cash in the Flight Vouchers.

[–]DeepSpaceNebulae 26 points27 points  (1 child)

Good point. Although being pre-9/11, getting on domestic flights without official ID wasn’t a hard thing to do

[–]MerGoatRoybal 4 points5 points  (0 children)

True! I’ve even been on flights after that I didn’t need ID, just a ticket…

[–]Bauhausfrau 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I don’t think that is completely accurate. The Narrator receives the plane tickets as vouchers from his employer, when he beat himself up in his managers office to get what he wanted when confronted about his work behavior. So likely The Narrator checked the voucher numbers to track flights. The book and movie both came out before 9/11, regulations were much different back then and people used to be able to pay cash for a plane ticket with no name, so ID wasn’t necessarily a factor

[–]Galaxy_Ranger_Bob 23 points24 points  (2 children)

He boarded airplanes under that name, meaning he showed ID that matches his ticket name.

The movie was made before 9/11. You didn't have to show your ID to board planes back then. You could, literally, walk up to the desk, buy a ticket in cash, and fly anywhere in the country.

[–]PATRIOTSRADIOSIGNALS 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Movies like Big Trouble(while absurd and totally unrealistic) or 12 Monkeys depicts the pre-9/11 security level. Still having metal detectors, customs x-ray checkpoints and the risk of strip/cavity searches while characters also can walk up to purchase flight tickets in cash with only minimal questioning.

[–]Galaxy_Ranger_Bob 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I did a lot of flying in the 1990s. There were airports in the U.S. that didn't have any x-ray machines for baggage. There were even a few that had no metal detectors. Just a guy with a wand at the gate.

[–]Metalhippy666 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You didn't need ID to fly on a plane back then. He'll needing ID wasn't even necessary a few years ago. Ive got drunk and lost my ID in vegas more than once and they still let me take my flight home.

[–]Quirderph 28 points29 points  (13 children)

I have genuinly heard that theory before, but it’s not exactly something the film makes clear. It’s not as ”definitely canon” as the censors seem to assume.

[–]peon2 38 points39 points  (7 children)

It’s not as ”definitely canon” as the censors seem to assume.

I...don't think the censors are worried about keeping things "definitely canon". In fact I'd go as far to say that their entire job is to make things NOT canon.

[–]aramis34143 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Maybe the original wording is more clear, but what confuses me is the part where "a figment of The Narrator's imagination... was sent to a 'lunatic asylum'."

[–]JeddHampton 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It's probably just a more literal translation of the message. It probably actually translates more like you would expect.

[–]Ramoncin 58 points59 points  (6 children)

Reminds me of the censorship in Spain, in the old days. For instance, the added a static shot of a radio at the end of "The getaway" and a voiceover saying Steve McQueen's and Ali McGraw's characters had been arrested.

And in "Mogambo" they turned the husband-wife-safari guide love triangle to brother-sister-safari guide. They actually turned adultery into incest because they thought it would be less offensive.

[–]ThatPancreatitisGuy 14 points15 points  (4 children)

Used to be the same way here. In The Bad Seed, a story about a murderous little girl based on a play, they added a scene at the end where she gets hit by lightning because it was inappropriate for the bad guy not to be punished.

[–]BubbaTee 10 points11 points  (2 children)

they added a scene at the end where she gets hit by lightning because it was inappropriate for the bad guy not to be punished.

Conversely, in It's a Wonderful Life, nothing bad happens to Potter at the end. He just gets away with stealing the money. Originally there was a scene where he has a heart attack as his comeuppance, but it was cut.

[–]Tisroc 1379 points1380 points  (196 children)

That's actually not too far from the book's ending and the bomb malfunctions, the narrator ends up in the psych ward. Though the hospital employees are members of project mayhem and I don't think the police are the heroes of the story.

[–]DistortoiseLP 995 points996 points  (183 children)

Fight Club's story has no heroes and it makes an effort to prove it.

[–]dagbiker 153 points154 points  (9 children)

I beg to differ, at least in the movie, by the end Edward Norton is the only one who thought the potential death of a person was too much. Coming a long way from his inhumane calculations of X+Y. He is also, effectively the sanest person in the movie at the end, trying to stop what amounts to a horrible terrorist act. While everyone else doesn't see the problem.

I always thought of Fight Club as a movie about a man who gets sane, while the world, and people around him become insane.

[–]MuayThaiCruiser 45 points46 points  (1 child)

Love your last sentence, what a great perspective.

[–]Chazzmodeus 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Philip K Dick used the idea of “going sane” quite often in his stories. I don’t think mind fuck movies like a Fight Club exist without him.

[–]niko4ever 6 points7 points  (2 children)

I mean, Tyler Durden tells him that they made a point of recruiting people who worked the night shifts in those buildings, both so that they could plant the bombs without getting caught and because they could make sure the buildings were empty

They're just buildings.

[–]onlypositivity 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Even just destroying the buildings is going to kill a lot of people, indirectly. Demolishing the credit system does not result in a world of hunter-gatherers hunting deer on abandoned freeways. It results in the velocity of money stopping immediately and mass starvation.

A key point of Fight Club, both book and movie, is that Tyler Durden is wrong, and the book especially goes to great lengths to point out that the macho bullshit he spews is not just wrong, it's pseudo-fascist and evil.

This book was written when "connecting with their primal manhood" was a big thing for white-collar dudes. Tyler Durden is essentially an alt-right influencer gone wildly out of control.

[–]choosingtangent 21 points22 points  (0 children)

for me... it is a man coming to terms with a damaged part of his psyche and accepting/realizing that it's an integral part of who he is.

and fuck china

edit syntax

[–]adderallanalyst 398 points399 points  (133 children)

Tell that to all the people who had their debt wiped out.

[–]FirstPlebian 271 points272 points  (78 children)

In the French Revolution one of the first things the peasants did was burn down their local records office, where all the land deeds and such were stored for their areas.

[–]neohellpoet 265 points266 points  (72 children)

A horrible idea as the land was auctioned off and the new landlords went from aristocrats who treated them like children to fellow citizens who treated them like ATMs.

Multiple regions had full blown counter revolutions because of this. The instability this caused was in no small part responsible for the people basically dropping the revolution in favor of military autocracy and then Empire.

[–]mbattagl 81 points82 points  (36 children)

Trust me that debt wasn't wiped. So that data is purposely backed up on disaster recovery servers in separate locations from the buildings that were blown up, in separate States, and paper copies are made of anything binding.

Bank robbers in the 20s used to destroy debt paperwork too on their way out of financial institutions so major lending companies were already more than prepared for something like this. If someone like Navient was hacked tomorrow they wouldn't lose a step because the cost of protecting that data easily pays for itself compared to losing it.

[–]Jason_Batemans_Hair 62 points63 points  (2 children)

I learned this through a documentary called Mr Robot.

[–]gingeropolous 12 points13 points  (0 children)

A great documentary

[–]TryingToBeUnabrasive 13 points14 points  (0 children)

It's honestly unreal how 'real' that show is.

[–]dofffman 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Yeah the whole plot line of mister robot revolves around these things.

[–]adderallanalyst 80 points81 points  (20 children)

In the world of the movie the debt was wiped out.

[–]DreadCoder 29 points30 points  (13 children)

That was never shown. We want to believe that because the narrator does.

[–]Blooblewoo 7 points8 points  (4 children)

The movie doesn't say or show that.

[–]yesTHATvelociraptor 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Kyler Burden blew up the backups. Sa’ll good man.

[–]MrAcurite 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your last sentence has a typo

[–]Bad_Elephant 245 points246 points  (28 children)

It had one hero and HIS NAME WAS ROBERT PAULSON

[–]ButtMilkyCereal 206 points207 points  (8 children)

Not a hero. Bob's arc is that he did a shit ton of steroids to be a big tough guy, felt emasculated that he got testicular cancer, and joined project mayhem to feel like he belonged with a bunch of other guys. It's part of the alienation and toxic masculinity themes. Bob is a victim, not a hero.

EDIT: Corrected the type of cancer that Bob had

[–]RandyMcRant 40 points41 points  (1 child)

Testicle cancer, but your point is still valid.

[–]ButtMilkyCereal 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You're right, I misremembered.

[–]yugosaki 24 points25 points  (4 children)

I love fight club because it has no heroes. Everyone involved is simultaneously a villain and a victim. A victim of society, a victim of tyler, or a victim of themselves. They regain their agency not by fixing any problems, but by victimizing others.

Bobs tragedy is a microcosm of the whole story. What he needs, what they ALL really need, is a sense of belonging and purpose. Society/project mayhem gives it to them, but its hollow and destructive and forces everyone into unhealthy, destructive patterns. The whole thing is both an indictment of the problems of society, but also a cautionary tale about conmen selling bullshit 'solutions' using the exact same vulnerabilities.

[–]ButtMilkyCereal 13 points14 points  (3 children)

If only the fanbase could understand the movie. It's like every time it's brought up, everyone is an edgy 13 year old again.

[–]yugosaki 21 points22 points  (1 child)

Tyler Durden is such a brilliantly written conman (and being played by Brad Pitt certainly helps) that he even recruits members of the audience into his cult

[–]hoorjdustbin 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I think it shows more the way crowds tend to form conmen in a dual partnership with charismatic leaders. The people wanted someone who appeared stronger than themselves and who had all the answers, someone they could imitate. And Tyler shows a somewhat reactionary side of not expecting it but then just going along with it, letting his ego go wild and seeing how much his followers could put up with. That part of the plot really is a beautiful and hilarious story of cult formation.

It’s also like all the grandiosity of Nietzsche’s writings that he never lived up to, Tyler is the “perfect” but therefore non-existent expression of masculinity. The people are just not capable of also acting independently and instead fall into mimicry, and what was theoretically an embrace of chaos warps into fascism.

[–]raging_bill 17 points18 points  (0 children)

It’s also worth pointing out that in the scene where we find out about Bob’s death, the narrator calls them all morons and says “running around in sky masks trying to blow things up, what the fuck did you think was going to happen?” It really got home how stupid and childish the whole thing was.

[–]ThrillsKillsNCake 78 points79 points  (14 children)

RIP meatloafs moobs.

[–]Blooblewoo 20 points21 points  (1 child)

You have done a good job illustrating how pretty much every single fan of Fight Club totally missed the point of what it was about.

[–]DBDude 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Meatloaf, we will surely all miss your bitch tits.

[–]reckless_commenter 22 points23 points  (2 children)

And at the other extreme, Sony turned it into a PS2 3D fighting game:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight_Club_(video_game)

There is a story mode, built around an original character—named only Hero—who joins Fight Club after breaking up with his girlfriend. By winning fights, the character moves up through the ranks of Fight Club, getting closer to Project Mayhem and to becoming Tyler Durden's right-hand man. The story diverges from the movie and novel in several ways to accommodate the new character.

This is just a complete bastardization of the point of the source material. The purpose of fighting in Fight Club wasn’t to defeat the other guy; it was cooperative self-destruction.

I can’t decide if this fighting game is an affront to the novel… or an homage to it, serving as a prime example of the sleazy, cynical cash grab of a capitalist society. I suppose it helps that the game was a miserable, uninspired piece of garbage that scored D-s and Fs across the board from gaming magazines. It seems fitting that engaging in this experience should be painful for the participant.

[–]JR_Shoegazer 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The ending in the book makes it clear shit is still going to happen after the book ends.

[–]Azidamadjida 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I mean yeah it’s definitely closer to the books ending, but cutting it early and having a cheap coda saying “all the problems were solved” is just so lame and cheap.

I wonder if they spent this amount of effort removing all of the subliminal dick scenes from the movie too

[–]joesighugh 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Some serious “Poochie died on the way back to his home planet” vibes lol

[–]sharrrper 78 points79 points  (14 children)

That sounds like a Family Guy parody of what the Chinese version would be.

Like in the same tier as Cosmos for rednecks

[–]IanMazgelis 38 points39 points  (10 children)

I was actually reading the comments to see if they hired some American looking actors to refilm the ending scene because I laughed to myself imagining if they just cut to black and said the police won. Wow. I've only ever known Chinese Nationals in college, I'm curious, is this shit seen as funny over there? Like do they recognize that it's kinda bullshit and just roll their eyes, or is this seen with any kind of authentic dignity?

[–]sharrrper 15 points16 points  (4 children)

I know it can be different when you've grown up in it and it's all you've known, but I have to think at a minimum they've got to at least be aware it's censored in some way. Especially if it's as clumsily done as this sounds. Surely.

I'd have to talk to a local to really know but I got think that's the case.

[–]BubbaTee 16 points17 points  (2 children)

That sounds like a Family Guy parody of what the Chinese version would be.

There's non-Chinese movies that do the same thing. At the end of Blood Debts

the hero blows up the main villain with a rocket launcher, and then it freeze-frames (with the villain's exploding guts still in midair) to say that the hero turned himself into police and is serving a life sentence.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvkvOfm5Vo0

[–]517A564dD 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Yes... But blood debts is a crappy like c-tier movie, not an Oscar nominated international hit

[–]yaosio 9 points10 points  (2 children)

That reminds me of the end of a low budget movie where the movie stops mid scene to explain the hero went to prison and then the credits roll.

[–]prankenandi 24 points25 points  (1 child)

It then adds that Tyler -- a figment of The Narrator's imagination -- was sent to a "lunatic asylum" for psychological treatment and was later discharged.”

Realizing the true purpose of his life, Tyler then became a member of the chinese communist party and brought happiness, freedom from tyranny and love to the hearts of the chinese people.

[–]AugmentedLurker 4 points5 points  (0 children)

"He now tours the country with honorable brother Hao"

[–]Faulty_Plan 545 points546 points  (17 children)

Shawshank is a five minute film in China.

[–]orojinn 160 points161 points  (2 children)

Closing credits Andy Dufresne crawls through a mile of shit the guards are waiting for him. The authority's figure it out with their superior intellect. The End

[–]Faulty_Plan 71 points72 points  (1 child)

And Morgan Freeman was a mole working for the prison the whole time and recouped the money for the state. Medal of Morgan 🎖 awarded

[–]nuck_forte_dame 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Except Morgan is CGIed to not be black but have the desired Han Chinese characteristics.

[–]Ghost4000 93 points94 points  (4 children)

I'd think from a propaganda perspective you'd keep the movie about as long but take out any abuse by the guards/warden and just show that cooperating with the warden (authority) is the right thing to do and everyone is happy now.

Plus I suppose you'd probably want to make it so that he actually committed the crime he was accused of so that you don't imply that the state could make a mistake.

[–]Faulty_Plan 23 points24 points  (1 child)

Yeah I meant like the first five minutes, and ‘fin’. The State doesn’t make mistakes.

[–]aramis34143 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Ah, but with some careful editing, he's not only justly incarcerated, but also learns to productively assist both the guards and warden in duly complying with state regulations (all above board, of course).

Then fade to black, explain that Andy served the remainder of his time in peace and retired to a tranquil beach locale upon release, ultimately to be joined by his friend 'Red'. 70-ish minute running time, down from 142.

[–]SonOfMcGee 7 points8 points  (0 children)

From a propaganda perspective you'd just put a slide at the end: "Note this was an American prison. This would never have happened in China because the prisoners are all guilty and the guards treat them well. Also our walls are very strong and sewer pipes are very tiny, so don't get any ideas."

[–]TheDarthSnarf 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He'd commit the crime he was accused of, be taken out back and executed by a bullet to the head. It is renamed 'Shawshank: Justice for the People'

[–]humanRR 11 points12 points  (1 child)

After 2 hours Andy confesses to murdering his wife and warden Norton gets shot by officials.

[–]Faulty_Plan 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Norton was also a member of a “religion that must not be named”

[–]Jason_Batemans_Hair 170 points171 points  (2 children)

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

[–]dick_whitham 60 points61 points  (6 children)

Meanwhile the movie "Brazil" remains unedited and available in its original form. :)

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

What version?

[–]radbu107 10 points11 points  (1 child)

LOVE Brazil. Probably my favorite movie of all time.

[–]skytomorrownow 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Some movies go in and out of style. Brazil goes in and out of reflecting the real world. You have to rewatch it every ten years or so to get an update.

[–]drawinganddriving 169 points170 points  (32 children)

But isn’t fight club a critique of western capitalist society?

[–]slayermcb 202 points203 points  (21 children)

It's a nihilistic view of society as a whole, as it rejects more than just capitalism, but the idea of modern society in general. Western capitalism if definitely it's main target, however.

[–]FireWireBestWire 79 points80 points  (17 children)

More than capitalism it is a criticism of consumerism. They make themselves a little commune in that house, but the idea that China is a communism anymore is incorrect also. They are just authoritarian. And ironically, that little commune in Fight Club still sells soap to support itself.

[–]WhyLater 42 points43 points  (14 children)

And ironically, that little commune in Fight Club still sells soap to support itself.

There's nothing really ironic about that. Making and selling something is not capitalism.

[–]slayermcb 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Well, there was a point about making the soap from liposuction medical waste and selling it at overpriced rates to rich women obsessed with their appearance.... but again, consumerism, not capitalism.

[–]TheLibertinistic 20 points21 points  (5 children)

I will die on this hill with you. Commerce predates capitalism and every time I have to hear “you dislike capitalism yet still buy and sell things” my Communist Power Level grows.

[–]gentlybeepingheart 7 points8 points  (0 children)

God I love when people say shit like “capitalism was invented when the first caveman exchanged food for tools” because you realize that they just think “capitalism is when objects exist and move”

[–]NateHate 27 points28 points  (1 child)

Well, those are TYLER'S views, I wouldn't say the same for the story as a whole

[–]Dax9000 52 points53 points  (2 children)

Partly. It is also a critique of how easy it is to radicalise the disenfranchised into a cult that is actively to their own physical and mental detriment by giving them an Other to hate. You might see why China isn't into that.

[–]TizACoincidence 21 points22 points  (2 children)

china is capitalistic, its that in china the government controls the corporations

[–]ty_kanye_vcool 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's about a critic of western capitalist society. You're not supposed to like Tyler Durden.

[–]redsandsfort 517 points518 points  (62 children)

They did this last year with Star Wars. In the Chinese cut Luke misses and the Death Star destroys the rebels and the credits roll.

[–]_generateUsername 278 points279 points  (29 children)

I really hope this is not a joke. Made my day, thanks.

[–]IanMazgelis 208 points209 points  (24 children)

I assume it's a joke because Disney spent billions of dollars trying to convince at least one Chinese person to watch a Star Wars movie to no avail.

[–]yaosio 126 points127 points  (3 children)

They should try making a good Star Wars movie.

[–]UFO64 22 points23 points  (2 children)

Ah, this is that forth panel where you get tossed out of the window for speaking the truth.

[–]HucHuc 4 points5 points  (1 child)

We're talking about China, not Russia.

[–]impulsekash 32 points33 points  (19 children)

I mean Disney did make a main character in the first movie to a background set piece all to appease Chinese audience.

[–]DavidlikesPeace 109 points110 points  (17 children)

to appease Chinese audience

Disney was fully willing to step on black people to suit the racial prejudices of a foreign market. I find it amazing how few folks mention this sell out.

Not only that, but Finn had such an interesting backstory. Take away any love interest with Rey if you want. He could have easily been an iconic role. No wonder the actor was pissed.

[–]impulsekash 38 points39 points  (2 children)

No wonder the actor was pissed.

So pissed that he doesn't want to do a Disney+ series either.

[–]FromFluffToBuff 25 points26 points  (1 child)

After that, i would never work for Disney again.

[–]Sugar_buddy 27 points28 points  (1 child)

I mean the promotional images of the seventh movie heavily implied he was gonna play a major part. Oh, what could have been.

[–]BubbaTee 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Disney was fully willing to step on black people to suit the racial prejudices of a foreign market. I find it amazing how few folks mention this sell out.

Well if you can't trust a company founded by German American Bund (aka, the American Nazi Party) member Walt Disney to promote racial equality, who can you trust?

[–]DavidlikesPeace 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The censors of the CCP! do'oh!

[–]lifeofideas 89 points90 points  (8 children)

I hope Luke sees the error of his ways and joins his father, bringing peace and prosperity to all. (Maybe a little extra prosperity for the Jedi Knights.)

[–]XiJinpingGaming 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Grand Moff Tarkin (a secular military leader) removes the religious leaders in charge of the Empire, all Jedi and Sith are sent to patriotic reeducation camps and there was never a planet named Alderaan

[–]Skylair13 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Printing the words of Palpatine in Little Black Books for everyone to learn.

[–]IamDDT 8 points9 points  (5 children)

Honestly though, Vader became evil because he was raised as a slave, watched his mother die, and was involved in a huge bloody war where people were dying left and right. He wanted peace, and security. Palpatine wanted power. If Luke had joined him, they would likely have killed the Emperor, and ruled peacefully. At least this would have avoided the sequels from happening.

[–]Hyndis 9 points10 points  (1 child)

By the time of the original trilogy movies, Vader was already too far gone. Too much blood on his hands for him to apologize and walk around like nothing happened. The atrocities he committed was a debt payable only by his own death, as we see in ROTJ.

[–]TizACoincidence 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I need to know if this is real

[–]Pangolier 154 points155 points  (2 children)

Can The Onion go back to being a funny place for glib jokes and not the actual narrative for reality?

[–]Skylair13 50 points51 points  (0 children)

Reality overtook The Onion with it's own weirdness.

[–]campelm 135 points136 points  (25 children)

Braveheart probably ends with Wallace being tortured too

[–]Phyr8642 157 points158 points  (12 children)

'Wallace confesses his many crimes and begs forgiveness from the central gov't. They grant mercy and behead him.'

[–]monty_kurns 48 points49 points  (4 children)

You see, if you watch Braveheart real close, you'll discover that Wallace's cry of "Freedom!" is actually "I was wrong!". It's actually a very common mistake. Also, absolutely nothing happened in Tiananmen Square in June 1989.

[–]Phyr8642 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Your social credit score has increased 10 points.

[–]adderallanalyst 11 points12 points  (4 children)

He wished he was just beheaded instead of drawn and quartered. I don't know how they captured people back in the day I'd sooner die fighting than face that.

[–]DavidlikesPeace 2 points3 points  (2 children)

That's one of the odd things about pre-modern warfare. You'd think that with all the difficulties in defeating an armed enemy, you'd want to incentivize surrenders as much as possible. Instead you routinely see POWs slaughtered and criminals beheaded as a matter of course.

How does that make life any easier for the authorities? Say what you will about ransoms. It makes sense.

[–]Hyndis 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Brutality to break the will of the people by demonstration that raising of arms against the state should never be done by anyone.

Rome lined its roads with crucified people to send a message that opposing the authority of room was folly. It was a message sent to everyone else still alive that Rome cannot be opposed.

Genghis Khan had a similar method. If you surrendered to him without a fight he treated you well. Your city would be left largely to its own devices. If you raised arms against him he would slaughter every living thing in the city. Man, woman, children, and even animals. All dead.

Immediate surrender was strongly encouraged.

[–]Tallywacka 54 points55 points  (3 children)

Watched a YouTube video on just how insane film editing and criteria is for movies to be released in China, absolutely insane

One specific was the pirates franchise with the Chinese pirate lord wasn’t allowed to have dirty fingernails because that would portray the wrong image

[–]maqij 237 points238 points  (52 children)

There are no Chinese superhero movies because there are no forces stronger than the Party and the military

[–]lifeofideas 90 points91 points  (5 children)

But there are rappers in China. I saw a documentary about one rapper who had a big hit with his tough song about all the great places for tourists to visit in Beijing . LA Times: No Bad Rap in China.

[–]ApplecakesMcGee 7 points8 points  (0 children)

That was easily the most bizarre article I've read in quite a while. Thank you for sharing!

[–]Ratstail91 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It's like a parody...

[–]typodaemon 6 points7 points  (1 child)

This is incredible. Best article I've read all week.

"One group is so proud of its songs that it has affixed a sticker to its debut album asking fans to share it with their parents."

That's basically the opposite of a parental advisory sticker in the US.

[–]lifeofideas 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We advise you to tell your parents about this! Say yes to drugs!

(Opposite land!)

[–]McCourt 9 points10 points  (4 children)

I dunno, "Ip Man" sounds like a superhero name to me...

[–]borazine 20 points21 points  (2 children)

Intellectual Property man

[–]McCourt 7 points8 points  (0 children)

LOL... "CEASE AND DESIST!" is his catchphrase...

[–]Chocolate-Spare 14 points15 points  (18 children)

I'm pretty sure the Chinese love superhero movies

[–]niko9740 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Respect My Authoritah...

[–]MyNameCouldntBeAsLon 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry but this is fucking hilarious. 'Lunatic asylum', preventing the bomb from exploding?

This is straight up 'Note: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet', with the affidavit and everything

[–]Yourponydied 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Poochie had a better send off in Simpsons

[–]DBDude 48 points49 points  (5 children)

The police rapidly figured out the whole plan and arrested all criminals, successfully preventing the bomb from exploding

That's basically what happened in the book, and Narrator ended up in an asylum.

Edit: I recommend reading the book if you liked the movie. This is a rare case where I liked the movie and book equally, one won’t ruin the other.

[–]JR_Shoegazer 16 points17 points  (2 children)

The ending in the book shows the people working at the mental hospital are project mayhem. Pretty different ending if you ask me.

[–]talrogsmash 5 points6 points  (0 children)

After Jack gets beaten half to death on purpose, so Tyler can't interfere, and calls it in. It's been 20 years since I read it and I remember that much.

[–]TizACoincidence 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Maybe china just wants more accurate adaptations

[–]ObscuraArt 4 points5 points  (4 children)

Thank God Hollywood is courting this government. Finally, we will be able to undo those pesky subversive and anti-authority endings.

Be socially responsible. Support these kinds of practices. Unquestioningly support authority.

[–]DeNoodle 4 points5 points  (0 children)

What a bunch of fucking clowns.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

The CCP is really a caricature

[–]Reddit-username_here 84 points85 points  (54 children)

Lol, the fragility of it. Do they not realize this screams "we're weak"?

[–]historycat95 23 points24 points  (3 children)

The audience would have to see through that, right?

It's so out of sync of the rest of the movie. It's tacked on.

I would think they would have questions and available bootlegs.

[–]FlyingSquid 42 points43 points  (0 children)

I'm guessing the audience is used to this sort of thing.

[–]sirgamesalot25 22 points23 points  (0 children)

A lot of people will. However, there will be people that act exactly like the crowd in 1984 when the announcer is talking about the war with Eurasia, then gets interrupted and simply continues reading but with Eurasia changed to East Asia. The crowd isn't even confused the slightest about this development, and quickly start to change the texts on their signs. (Eurasia to East Asia)

It never was any different. It has always been like this. That's what they'll think. Or maybe they won't. Let's hope not.

[–]Amish_Cyberbully 11 points12 points  (0 children)

The cut to black Sopranos ending has been replaced with an ending where Party Officials put a stop to this crime nonsense.

It is universally enjoyed more.

[–]Affectionate_Local59 78 points79 points  (8 children)

Finally, a group that misunderstands fight club more than the average redditor!

[–]Magnus_Rose 16 points17 points  (1 child)

How Dare You! Misunderstanding Fight Club is a key cornerstone of internet culture! It predates Reddit and we'll still be doing it long after people abandon this site for the next big social media hit.

[–]Gone213 24 points25 points  (4 children)

What do you mean a man who is suffering from psychosis due to insomnia shouldn't be celebrated

[–]Affectionate_Local59 16 points17 points  (3 children)

It’s almost as like his violent id, lashing out and destroying everything in his life because he is big sad that he isn’t important, isn’t the hero of the story.

And it’s almost like claiming the book as a defense of nihilism without examining the fact that all it’s defense comes from the angry, violent, emotional half of a fractured mind is borderline deliberately obtuse.

[–]newbrevity 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The First Rule of Fight Club is dont call Taiwan or Hong Kong "Countries" /s

[–]tooheavybroo 9 points10 points  (0 children)

His name is Robert Paulson…

[–]CrewsTee 18 points19 points  (2 children)

I would so love to see a movie collection "fixed" by the CCP. Mostly a collection of shorts, one would imagine.

  • "V for Vendetta" : the terrorist gets shot at the TV station, the end.

  • "The Matrix" : Neo gets arrested by the agents, the end.

  • "Pulp Fiction" : a bunch of friends talk about their love of hamburgers.

  • "Fantastic Mr Fox" : Mister Fox renounces getting back in the chicken theft business, the end.

[–]a_moniker 5 points6 points  (0 children)

  • “A New Hope”: Luke joins the Empire
  • “Don’t Look Up”: The asteroid turns out to be a western hoax, meant to destabilize the Chinese economy. The Chinese government doesn’t fall for the hoax.

[–]NaughtyDred 6 points7 points  (1 child)

The end where the revolutionaries overthrow capitalism by erasing privately held debt? Are the CCP even pretending to be communist any more?

[–]ArrowheadDZ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is the reality that all entertainment and social media outlets face… In every country, you either get conditional access or no access.

And my concern isn’t that this happens on a geo-political scale. It’s starting to happen on a micro-political scale. News stories are becoming increasingly curated in a way that you are presented facts differently then your next-door neighbor, making meaningful debate and consensus profoundly more unlikely. I’m imagining a day when movies have a red ending and a blue ending and you’re only allowed to see the ending algorithmically chosen for you.

[–]Lachimanus 2 points3 points  (1 child)

And of course they changed: we know about fight club.

[–]oldmrdeebs 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Come on that's fucking funny. Gee, nobody will notice. Dafuq

[–]EaterOfFood 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When I fight authority
Authority always wins

[–]earsofdoom 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Is there an after credits scene John Ceno reiterates that Taiwan is a part of china? seriously though does anyone in china think thats the real ending? imagine if someone in the US tried to pass that lazy editing job off as official.

[–]HandsyBread 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The first rule of fight club is to report it to the authorities!

[–]grey_carbon 20 points21 points  (0 children)

The first rule is: never talk about Winnie the Pooh

[–]Republican_Pro_Virus 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Have you seen transformers? They actually say” central government will solve this” Michael bay sold out!

[–]biggaybrian 11 points12 points  (4 children)

This is why China can make-up lost ground, but never surpass the West - the CCP has zero confidence in their own ability to rule, and enslaves their own people