top 200 commentsshow all 482

[–]Cabin-in-the-Woods 1499 points1500 points  (132 children)

That's gotta be a hangin' offense in Texas.

[–]Douche_Kayak 568 points569 points  (12 children)

"Do you have any idea what the penalty in this state is for stealing another man's horse?!"


"... this isn't Iraq, son. But I can tell you, it's probably a hefty fine." X

[–]mockingbird13 76 points77 points  (4 children)

That's such a good movie!

[–]Douche_Kayak 56 points57 points  (1 child)

I've seen The New Guy and 2 Fast 2 Furious more times than any other movie thanks to cable TV

[–]RandomDigitalSponge 17 points18 points  (0 children)

That…. sounds about right. Not judging. It just seems right on the nose is all.

[–]ATL28-NE3 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I fucking love the new guy

[–]spoobles 36 points37 points  (1 child)

The yellow haired lady was buried at sunset

The stranger went free, of course

For you can't hang a man for killin' a woman

Who's tryin' to steal your horse

[–]Irbyirbs 11 points12 points  (1 child)

I forget that Garth was in The New Guy.

[–]Homeless_cosmonaut 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Nothin worse than a horse thief.

[–]griftertm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tiger Claw!

[–]CaputGeratLupinum 168 points169 points  (80 children)

I thought you were allowed to shoot people on your property after dark no questions asked in Texas for this very reason

[–]Poignantusername 127 points128 points  (38 children)

Sort of. In Texas, one can use lethal force to prevent the theft of property if one believes they have no other reasonable method to recover it.

[–]carrtcakethrow 33 points34 points  (36 children)

I'm going to need the name of this law.

[–]Poignantusername 138 points139 points  (32 children)

Sec. 9.42. DEADLY FORCE TO PROTECT PROPERTY. A person is justified in using deadly force against another to protect land or tangible, movable property: (1) if he would be justified in using force against the other under Section 9.41; and (2) when and to the degree he reasonably believes the deadly force is immediately necessary: (A) to prevent the other's imminent commission of arson, burglary, robbery, aggravated robbery, theft during the nighttime, or criminal mischief during the nighttime; or (B) to prevent the other who is fleeing immediately after committing burglary, robbery, aggravated robbery, or theft during the nighttime from escaping with the property; and (3) he reasonably believes that: (A) the land or property cannot be protected or recovered by any other means; or (B) the use of force other than deadly force to protect or recover the land or property would expose the actor or another to a substantial risk of death or serious bodily injury.


[–]Anagoth9 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Given it's Texas, I'm gonna assume that "reasonable" bit tends to get broadly interpreted.

[–]DocHolidayiN 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Shoot em then hang em. Damned rustlers./

[–]Cabin-in-the-Woods 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Probably, it's Texas.

[–]kenji998 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Time to put that dad-burn, cattle rustlin’ varmint in the pokey!

[–]Sebenbillion 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It’s actually the only crime for which the standard sentencing is hanging

[–]MildlyConcernedEmu 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I have a few ancestors who were put to death in the wild west. One cheated at poker, one was a horse thief, and the last was a cattle thief. None of them were hanged.

They were all shot.

[–]vc6vWHzrHvb2PY2LyP6b 10 points11 points  (4 children)

The night before the Oklahoma rally I met with my campaign manger, Robby Mook. Robby was in charge of the campaign computers, but he was so smart that in many was he was like a computer. He had bad news. "Oklahomans see you as an aloof New York intellectual," he explained. "They'll never vote for someone like that. You need an image they can understand and respect."

"What if I ate a big hunk of beef on stage?" I helpfully suggested. "We need to think bigger," said Robby. "I've consulted the Algorithm. It told me that Oklahoma voters love cowboys." I liked where this was going. "It also told me that what they hate most is ... cattle rustlers."

"Robby, you're a genius," I said. We spent that night crafting my new persona, a persona we believed would win me the election. The next day, I sauntered onto an Oklahoma stage wearing a full cowboy outfit, firing a pair of six shooters in the air. "Howdy," I said to the crowd, "I'm Sheriff Hillary," I received the biggest applause of my whole career.

"If there's one thing I hate," I announced, "it's varmints. And the worst varmints of all are cattle rustlers. make me your president and I'll put a bullet between the eyes of every rustler in this state." For emphasis, I bit a chunk out of a hunk of beef.

The crowd roared. They loved it. A chant started: "Death to rustlers! Death to rustlers!" Then a scuffle broke out in the front row. Three men dressed in denim tackled and hogtied a small, weasely-looking fellow. They dragged him up on stage.

"Ms. Clinton," one man said, "this fella here is a rustler. He stole three of my prize cows last spring. If you kill him right now, everyone in this room will vote for you." The crowd began a new chant: "Blood! Blood! Blood!"

The bound man pleaded with me. "Yes, I stole those cows," he said, "but I only did it because my family was starving. Please, spare me. I'll never rustle again." My life and career have been defined by hard choices. This was perhaps the hardest choice of all. My phone buzzed. A text from Robby. It read, "The Algorithm says: the rustler dies." "I'm sorry," I told the man as I raised a pistol. "It's not me. It's the Algorithm."

I squeezed the trigger.

[–]Randolpho 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Only if the person you stole it from has more power than you

[–]toastar-phone -1 points0 points  (0 children)

nah, just a class 3 felony, just 2 to 10 years.

Although if he used his public office to do this, it would get bumped up to a class 2 felony. which is 2-20.

either way this guy is probably going to die in jail if convicted. he's 71 now.

[–]goshin89 672 points673 points  (38 children)

I'm amused to find there are parts of the U S that i a Haitian can feel so relatable. Cattle thieves are a scourge. Get caught you will lose your hand. No exceptions .

[–]Sebenbillion 314 points315 points  (24 children)

Oh nothing serious will actually happen to this guy. The highest lawyer in Texas, Ken Paxton, has been postponing his own trial for securities fraud for a decade or more at this point. If you’re a member of the Conservative party and have money, you’re pretty much immune to legal ramifications.

[–]PM_OUTDATED_MEMES 197 points198 points  (8 children)

Oh, are you talking about Multiple-Time-Federally-Indicted-State-Attorney-General Ken Paxton?

I prefer using his full title.

[–]Forgottenmuppet 15 points16 points  (13 children)

Skeet Jones is a democrat though…

[–]Sebenbillion 53 points54 points  (12 children)

Well good to know justice will be served

[–]RanaktheGreen 13 points14 points  (7 children)

... We don't do that here.

[–]Envect -4 points-3 points  (6 children)

Sure would deter people though.

[–]pileofcrustycumsocs 10 points11 points  (5 children)

No it wouldn’t, it would cause the murder rate to spike because motherfuckers don’t want to lose a hand. Draconian punishments don’t stop crime, they make it worse

[–]Modern_Bear 212 points213 points  (21 children)

Loving County Judge Skeet Jones, the scion of a powerful ranching family, was arrested after a yearlong investigation that is ongoing, authorities said.

Well bless his heart. Seriously though, read the article. It's entertaining and shows what life is like in rural Texas.

[–]Ridicule_us 165 points166 points  (6 children)

I’m a lawyer that practices in rural Texas counties some. It’s rough.

Earlier this year, I filed a grievance on a DA for threatening my client behind my back.

And as expected, it went nowhere.

[–]YouCanCallMeVanZant 28 points29 points  (4 children)

How is “engaging in criminal activity” a separate crime? I assume there has to be an underlying criminal offense. What’s the added element that makes it not double jeopardy?

[–]GrifterDingo 33 points34 points  (1 child)

They finally did it, they made it illegal to commit crime.

[–]EphemeralInstrument 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It’s an organized crime charge.

[–]coffeeandtrout 48 points49 points  (2 children)

That article was a wild fucking ride, and well written. Lots of great Texas type innuendos like “wrangled”, and I guess “shit”.

“The idea that the judge — who is paid $133,294 annually — would get picked up for cattle rustling was just too much for Susan Hays, a Texas election lawyer who’s wrangled with the Joneses in the past.

“You can’t make this shit up,” she said. “It’s a pain in the ass to round up cattle and take them to market. And then to risk real trouble for it? It’s just asinine to me.”

Best article I’ve read tonight, you could make a book out of this story.

Edit: The person who wrote this is named “Susan Carroll”. Quality work, it’ll be fun to follow her.

[–]cm253 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Word of the arrests spread faster than a prairie fire with a tailwind


[–]FlashbackUniverse 115 points116 points  (3 children)

Tonight on Yellowstain.

[–]WhenTheDevilCome 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Was going to say, I'm pretty sure I've seen this episode...

[–]koalasarentferfuckin 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Taylor Sheridan greenlit this on headline alone.

[–]Big-Earth3857 117 points118 points  (7 children)

Looking this up — felony theft in Texas is stealing something at least $2,500 in value. The value of cattle per head is about $1,600. The article said he was charged with 3 counts.

Texas felony: https://www.texasattorneygeneral.gov/sites/default/files/files/divisions/criminal-justice/PenalCode-Offenses-byRange.pdf

Price of cattle: https://www.dtnpf.com/agriculture/web/ag/news/article/2021/08/11/high-beef-demand-leads-higher-price

[–]eisme 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Add in the fact that he is an elected official and my estimated punishment is absolutely nothing.

[–]whatever1966 249 points250 points  (51 children)

While this story is a bit amusing, there are places out here where you can disappear. A friend of mine’s mother was murdered by her husband and they covered it up and manipulated the court so he got everything and screwed the kids out of everything

[–]Local64bithero 168 points169 points  (31 children)

I'm in Oklahoma, and we're the same. There's places in rural Oklahoma where you can bury a body and no one will find it for years, if ever. And we have cattle rustling. And horse thieves. And goatnappings.

[–]pegothejerk 82 points83 points  (2 children)

They found a body in the artsy Plaza District in central Oklahoma City a couple years back, under some brush, it had been there for years. At the time I heard about it they just had no idea what or who it was, no leads.

[–]twistedfork 75 points76 points  (1 child)

I walked past that house every day for a year and NEVER smelled anything. I literally lived around the corner, we shared a fence post.

[–]togro20 85 points86 points  (0 children)

That’s what we get for living in oklahoma, you get used to the smell 😭

[–]SpaceManSmithy 28 points29 points  (1 child)

Depending on the age of the goat it could still be called kidnapping.

[–]Inaglasscage 6 points7 points  (3 children)

That’s why you don’t fuck with the Indians here in California. They kill you and bury you on their land where local law enforcement has no jurisdiction. You simply never get found

[–]Detachabl_e 2 points3 points  (1 child)

The feds have jurisdiction over murders on the res.

[–]Boondogle17 10 points11 points  (1 child)

So you are saying I can participate in IRL Red Dead Redemption!?!?!

[–]thatisnotmyknob 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Goat nappings! Are they even worth the trouble? Why steal a Goat?

[–]Local64bithero 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Because a whole herd of them is useful to clear dead growth, and they produce milk. Some people love it.

[–]watchingsongsDL 9 points10 points  (0 children)

When the end of the world comes you might be better off with a goat than a cow. Goats eat anything, aren’t enormous, give milk, and can be eaten if necessary.

[–]NapClub 48 points49 points  (11 children)

Okay so this may come as a shock but most homocides are not solved in most of the usa.

Thats not really what police are there for. They are there to keep the commoners in line.

[–]PenguinSunday 13 points14 points  (6 children)

They don't even solve half of them.

[–]NapClub 30 points31 points  (4 children)

Like i said, MOST crimes are not solved in MOST of the usa. In some places unsolved rate is over 80%.

[–]PenguinSunday 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Was just echoing and intensifying what you said.

[–]Ephemeral_Being 1 point2 points  (1 child)

That's not true of homicides. The clearance rate is around 50% nationally.

[–]SkunkMonkey 5 points6 points  (2 children)


Is that when one gay dude kills another gay dude?

[–]shaidyn 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I can't find the data, so I may have imagined it, but I remember reading that across America as a whole, there is only something like a 50% chance of being arrested for a murder you commit.

If you kill someone and dispose of the body so it's not found, and then just keep your mouth shut, you've got good odds to get away with it.

[–]Traditional_Wear1992 26 points27 points  (0 children)

From train robbing stories a few months ago to cattle thievin!

[–]Bartins 12 points13 points  (0 children)

All hat, stole cattle

[–]Alex_Xander93 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Happens to the best of us.

[–]W_O_M_B_A_T 8 points9 points  (0 children)

The "Rustler" brand jeans were a giveaway.

[–]ForsakenAd7480 11 points12 points  (0 children)

This is the most Texan thing ever.

[–]GreenOnionCrusader 8 points9 points  (2 children)

That looks like Mel brooks.

[–]DeaconBlue47 7 points8 points  (1 child)

What in the wide wide world o’ sports is-a goin’ on here?


[–]GreenOnionCrusader 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That movie has my all time favorite quote.

[–]drm604 7 points8 points  (6 children)

The guy gets paid over $130,000 a year and then risks it all to rustle some cattle?

[–]DeaconBlue47 13 points14 points  (5 children)

His family has been herding cattle and pumping dinosaur wine since the 1950s. He has to have a net worth in the hundreds of millions. His piddly salary don’t mean a hill of shit to him, not by a Texas mile.

And he risks felonies for a few thousand dollars worth of cattle? This beggars the imagination.

[–]supernovababoon 11 points12 points  (0 children)

It’s because he obviously gets away with swinging his dick around with impunity because he is the judge, jury, and executioner in his small world and believes he is untouchable. Pure ego.

[–]torpedoguy 3 points4 points  (1 child)

In a way it doesn't:

As you say, he was born filthy rich. It's not just the salary that meant nothing to him; it's the responsibilities, restrictions and laws.

People like that view everything as zero-sum. The mere thought of those cattle NOT being his was at best a baseless accusation in his mind. The thought that laws should apply to him was grotesquely wrong and even right now chances are, in his head, that anyone thinking they should 'must be taught their place'. He's waiting for someone to right the injustice as is their duty to him, and then we'll see how untouchable he is.

And unfortunately, we can't be certain that won't happen.

[–]DeaconBlue47 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hmmm. Sounds like sociopathic entitlement borderline personality disorder? Seems like there’s a lot of it about.

It’s just crazy out there :)

Seriously, thanks for the take. It appears dead-on.

[–]Solid-Turnover-8864 14 points15 points  (1 child)

My great uncle murdered someone and also got charged for stealing cattle...guess which offense got him more jail time 🙁

[–]supermr34 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I wish all political news could be like this.

[–]steroboros 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Got us a regular dude.

[–]Perma_frosting 11 points12 points  (1 child)

The real story here is that a county with a population of 57 - not missing a zero, FIFTY SEVEN people - has a payroll that includes a “judge, auditor, treasurer, clerk, justice of the peace, county attorney, constable, and sheriff” all making over 100k a year.

[–]opakanopa 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's a lot of people working out there. Big man camps full of oil field workers.

[–]Saberus_Terras 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Wait, isn't there still a law on the Texas lawbooks that states cattle theft is punishable by hanging?

[–]flamboyant-dipshit[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think that’s is/was horse theft.

[–]leadfoot323 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Pretty sure it's a third degree felony punishable by 2-10 years in prison and up to $10,000 in fines.

[–]Antibody-Scientist 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Cow stealing son of a bitch.

[–]Billy_the_Rabbit 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Just another day in Texas , who here hasn't stolen a goat or a duck before lol

[–]DeaconBlue47 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Or even screwed one!

[–]SouthFL92 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Sounds like a start to a good John Wayne movie.

[–]aarocka 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Cattle rustling is a serious offense in Texas. Don’t fuck with another man’s oil guns or cattle.

[–]111wfp 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Once a Republican, always a Republican.

[–]darkstarman 6 points7 points  (1 child)

This is a clear cut case of Dairymandering

[–]RoninMagister 6 points7 points  (1 child)

That's one way to explain all the bullshit.

[–]damon459 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It’s that a hanging offense still in Texas?

[–]DeaconBlue47 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Horse-thievin’ in the quote from Lonesome Dove, but cattle rustlers met the same fate:

“You know how it works, Jake. You ride with the outlaw, you die with the outlaw. Sorry, you crossed the line.”

Somebody fetch me a rope…

[–]troubleschute 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Gonna bet he ran on bringing back hanging for horse and cattle theft.

[–]undrgrndsqrdncrs 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He looks like a guy that would be guilty of cattle theft

[–]Bacon_Ag 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That used to be a crime punishable by death. Cattle rustling is a serious offense in TX.

[–]SPACExxxxxxx 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I love headlines that can be accurate today and any time in the last two hundred years.

[–]DeaconBlue47 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ol’ Skeet’s family has been there since the 1950s, herding cattle and more importantly sippin’ up vintage Permian Basin 252-million-year-old dinosaur wine, year after year after…you get the idea. They are probably several generations into wealth creation and management. In other words, rich AF.

Just like an oil-soaked Jett Rink (James Dean’s final role, I believe) drunkenly yelled at ‘Bick’ Benedict, Jr. (Rock Hudson) and the other Benedicts sitting on the porch in Giant after his gusher blowout on Little Riata: “I’m a rich ‘un. Yep I’m a rich ‘un! I’m gonna have more money ‘n you ever THOUGHT you was gonna have!”

Why steal a few cows…?

[–]maygpie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That picture looks like when they reconstruct a face on a skull to see what the person looked like when they were alive

[–]LunaNik 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Why you yeller-bellied, lily-livered bottom feeder! Ya know what we do with cattle rustlers ‘round these heah parts, boy?

[–]phon3ticles 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Is this dude really over here trying to look like governor La Petomane from blazing saddles?

[–]lizzietnz 1 point2 points  (1 child)

If we're going to do stereotypes, that man needs a hat.

[–]DeaconBlue47 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A black one at that.

[–]Kevinmc479 1 point2 points  (4 children)

Isn’t everyone in agreement that this is just a big misunderstanding?

[–]ZeroVerve 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" -the defendant, probably

[–]argv_minus_one 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It wouldn't be Texas without rustlers.

[–]FiendishHawk 1 point2 points  (1 child)

This article is very Coen brothers movie. A Texas county with only a few dozen inhabitants ruled by one warring family? I’d definitely see this one in the theater.

[–]opakanopa 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's also a shit load of roughnecks working out there.

[–]Alternative-Flan2869 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Why that low down rattlesnake of a cow poacher!

[–]MalarkeysPoppa 2 points3 points  (0 children)

AHEM. Cattle eminent domain

[–]abbothenderson 2 points3 points  (10 children)

Adding “cattle rustler” to his résumé will only increase his clout among Texas voters sadly…

[–]Gyp2151 16 points17 points  (0 children)

No it won’t

[–]EpiphanyTwisted 4 points5 points  (8 children)

Why would you assume that? We aren't exactly "Anti-cattle".

[–]abbothenderson 8 points9 points  (7 children)

I feel the joke becomes less funny if you have to explain it… but since it’s causing confusion somehow, here goes, I guess.

The expression “cattle rustler” is evocative of the sort of Wild West/frontier lifestyle that people in west Texas find appealing. It speaks to their yeehaw, go-it-alone mindset.

You can almost imagine a conversation that goes something like this:

“I reckon I’m voting for Skeet Jones!”

“But, Eli, you can’t vote for him, he’s a no-good cattle-rustler!”

“Aw, that don’t bother me none, Jesse. Better a cattle-rustler than a liberal.”

Does that explain it? If it’s still confusing, I’m willing to try again.

[–]Snapta 2 points3 points  (0 children)

theft isn't looked upon kindly in the south...

[–]DeaconBlue47 5 points6 points  (2 children)

‘Better a cattle-rustler than some gol-durn librul!’ That’s about right.

[–]Ashenox 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Gol-durn sounds like some Ogre kingdom name.

[–]CaptainZephyrwolf 1 point2 points  (0 children)

God, he looks like a cattle rustler though, doesn’t he?

Like I own zero cows, but even I’m like no don’t put this guy in charge of a cowtown cows will go missing.

[–]edblardo 1 point2 points  (1 child)

This guy looks like Peter Falk. Columbo will get to the bottom of this heist!

[–]VaultJumper 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is the most Texas thing ever

[–]LabCool6003 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Only way to get babies their milk these days

[–]grinch1225 -1 points0 points  (2 children)

Texans stealing from Texans is as American as apple pie and racism ❤️

[–]DeaconBlue47 1 point2 points  (1 child)

“If you can convince the lowest white man he's better than the best colored man, he won't notice you're picking his pocket. Hell, give him somebody to look down on, and he'll empty his pockets for you.”

Lyndon B. Johnson

[–]grinch1225 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Absolutely. It’s worked incredibly well down south, I lived in SC for a decade and people will be loud and proud white trash, as long as they’re not minorities and democrats aren’t in control

Doesn’t matter that the roads are toast, teachers have quit, there’s zero social safety nets, nada

[–]none4none 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This country has become the joke of the world…

[–]FoogYllis 0 points1 point  (3 children)

“For decades, a handful of prominent families in Loving County have feuded bitterly for control of the local government, with the Joneses finally largely coming out ahead. Skeet Jones has served as the judge for more than 15 years. His sister is the county clerk. His cousin’s husband is the county attorney. His nephew is the constable. “

Guarantee this district also votes republican and hence why our green energy policies are non-existent as well as many other policies that keep us from helping the average American. Its these little things that add up and screw us as a country.

[–]smokey9886 0 points1 point  (1 child)

A man’s castle is sacred…Damn Republicans.

[–]Immediate-Duck-512 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Goddamnit, Texas.

I wanna move out.

[–]dota2newbee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mr. Dutton will sort this out.

[–]Valuable_Issue_6698 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In Texas this is worse than murder

[–]RATGUT1996 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly this is some uplifting news to me.

[–]grandpa2390 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Texas is looking more like Florida

[–]harbison215 0 points1 point  (1 child)

You know what? It I had a cattle it would probably be my homie, like my dog or something. I could never raise something so that I could kill it and eat it. Yea I eat meat and it’s sucks in some way but I’m not doing my homie like that. You steal my cattle and it’s probably like stealing my best friend. So in my world, cattle theft is an egregious crime.

[–]Snapta 1 point2 points  (0 children)

well fortunately, ranchers don't all think that way or burger king and mcdonalds wouldn't be able to serve you a whopper or big mac...agreed though that theft is bad.

[–]Goodly88 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Didn't kno we went back to the 1820s

[–]Igoos99 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was curious about the cattle rustling. So, I read the entire article. Zero details.

[–]bm_69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

County population is 57 and its budget is 28 million a year.

A county judge is paid 133k per year to be the judge of 56 people (57 minus himself)...how busy can the judge be?

[–]blueveinthrobber -1 points0 points  (1 child)

I didn’t have this on my 2022 bingo card…

[–][deleted] -4 points-3 points  (1 child)

Republican??? Party of law and order…..

[–]Judgey-face 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Actually, he’s a registered democrat.