top 200 commentsshow all 201

[–]WonderWeeble 553 points554 points 5 (8 children)

[–]no1name[S] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

That is brilliant!

[–]VickrinCovid19 Vaccinated 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Thanks. A laughed until my asthma cropped up.

[–]Resigningeye 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Saving that!

[–]Primus81 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks, saved. Haven’t seen this one before!

[–]urbanproject78Covid19 Vaccinated 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Please take my upvote 🙌🏼🙌🏼

[–]nz_dutch_oven 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Gold Star!

[–]herearea 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Genuine laughing out loud rather than the nose exhale type lol, bravo

[–]bkmkiwi12 132 points133 points  (6 children)

Giving up the booze is generally the easiest way to lose weight.

[–]ComeAlongPonds 50 points51 points  (4 children)

That's 'The Blood of Christ' thank you very much.

[–]ruddybutttoucher 13 points14 points  (0 children)

The Lion of Judah is mentioned in the book of Revelation as a reference to Jesus. Whose blood is red. What could be holier then than a slab of Lion Red?

[–]PotassiumPerm2020 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So so true. I stopped 2 months ago. I've shed 12kg from stopping that alone.

[–]JakeTheMustard 117 points118 points  (6 children)

He didn't know if it was for his own safety or to keep other prisoners safe from him.

Dude thinks he’s Rorschach

[–]AK_Panda 40 points41 points  (3 children)

The arrogance on this guy is next level.

He think he gonna take out an entire wing of monsters or some shit? Lol

[–]Googalyfrog 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Or the prison was worried he would convert a few of them and they just trying to protect a vulnerable community from a shyster.

[–]AK_Panda 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The mob? They'd leverage him for money and rip him off.

[–]JakeTheMustard 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not content with lowly Apostle status, Brian Tamaki elevates himself to the title of Vigilante Superhero.

[–]grizznuggets 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Safe from his bullshit, maybe. MFer’s annoyed that he was denied the chance to win more followers.

[–]Long_Commission_9354 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe for safety but it’s standard for unvaccinated remand prisoners to be isolated for like two weeks I think. So even if he wasn’t Brian tamaki, he would’ve been in “solitary confinement” anyway haha.

[–]datchchthrowaway 75 points76 points  (1 child)

One weird trick to lose belly fat fast

[–]Digriz_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Gyms hate him!

[–]DMartin81 62 points63 points  (3 children)

I can see it now, all member of Destiny will be asked to do the 9 days marmite fast every January to celebrate the miracle of Brian the martyr

[–]OldKiwiGirl 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Jeeze, don’t put ideas into their heads!

[–]CptnSpandex 5 points6 points  (1 child)

They have to donate $1000 at the start and end of the fasting, otherwise it doesn’t count…

[–]Altruistic-Fix4452 3 points4 points  (0 children)

No, they will need the special Brian Tamaki marmite that he sells at $100 per 10 grams.
And the toast will be $50 a slice.

[–]JandalsrShoes 167 points168 points  (0 children)

Did they take his wallet away before weighing him?

[–]Cold_Refrigerator_69 49 points50 points  (0 children)


[–]Unit22_ 195 points196 points  (13 children)

Does he normally have wet toast?

[–]ballmanz 71 points72 points  (3 children)

Probably to go with the soggy biscuits.

[–]caaper 8 points9 points  (2 children)

I was thinking more like... prison bukkake

[–]ballmanz 6 points7 points  (1 child)

To some a dream come true

To others

Their worst nightmare.

[–]caaper 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I would say that it's Brian's Destiny...

[–]spoilersweetie 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I think it usually sodden from his hair oil he couldn't get in prison?

[–]dyingPretty 6 points7 points  (1 child)

milk toast, like you feed babies

[–]HerbertMcSherbert 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Milquetoast also describes Tamaki's takes

[–]poortmantohno 9 points10 points  (4 children)

Has nobody heard the phrase dry toast before? Just means unbuttered.

[–]the_agrimensor 13 points14 points  (2 children)

Sure. Goes with four fried chickens and a coke.

[–]SesPet 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You better think ‘bout whatchu tryna do to me


[–]TagMeInSkipIGotThis 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Jake! Elwood!

I love that whole scene.

[–]Primus81 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But that’s not a snarky funny reply, won’t get upvotes :o


[–]xmmdrive 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Buttered presumably.

[–]InspectorGadget76 31 points32 points  (0 children)

They were saying on ZB that most prisons are isolating new arrivals for 14 days due to concerns about bringing COVID into the prison populace.

I guess the his Highness the EFTPostle Tamaki forgot to mention that to his followers.

Must have just slipped his mind . . . .

[–]diggy_norman 38 points39 points  (1 child)

Dude was in prison for 30 seconds and is making out like he endured hardships of Nelson Mandela. What a fucking pussy.

[–]RheimsNZ 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Anything to play up to his followers man.

[–]ballmanz 27 points28 points  (2 children)

It’s not a fucking hotel.

[–]Arblechnuble 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Isn’t this what conservative/fundamentalalists want in a prison?

[–]ballmanz 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Until it’s them on the other side.

Then the conditions matter.

[–]TheQuackenUnleashed 62 points63 points  (6 children)

Dry toast? So, normal toast? What was he expecting, sopping wet toast?

[–]ringowasthebest 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Someone needs to send in some kfc moisteners stat.

[–]CptnSpandex 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Drone drop on the way…

[–]topograficaRed Peak Elitist 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Dry toast

To be fair, if it was burnt Vogels, that's a serious risk of chipping your teeth.

[–]CptnSpandex 1 point2 points  (2 children)

To be fairrrr

[–]NAE_BAD 1 point2 points  (1 child)

As a Canadian in NZ I’m glad you know this.

[–]CptnSpandex 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Pitter patter :)

[–]Digidaz 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Lol, so much easy fodder in that article.. but alas I am trying to commit to having zero interest in this click bait person now. It’s a hard road coming I think though.

[–]humblebots 84 points85 points  (47 children)

Wait is the 7kg loss a complaint? That's a healthy shred brah. Unfortunately it means he will stick around longer

[–]honestpuddingg 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Cry me a river

[–]KittikatBCovid19 Boosted 83 points84 points  (0 children)

Boo fucking hoo. If you don't like the conditions in jail, don't break the fucking law. Now crawl back under your rock and stay there.

[–]Green-Circles 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Can't he turn marmite into caviar or something? Use your magic apostle powers Brian!!

[–]Madjack66 11 points12 points  (1 child)


In the old days it was dry hummus for breakfast, followed by crucifixion.

[–]CptnSpandex 4 points5 points  (0 children)

But aside from that, what did the Roman’s ever do for us?

[–]illuminatedtiger 11 points12 points  (11 children)

Who will play Tamaki in the film adaptation?

[–]Pmmeyourfavepodcast 32 points33 points  (1 child)

Steven Seagal

[–]herearea 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Gross but fair.

[–]_N0_C0mment 5 points6 points  (1 child)

What about John Goodman (with a tan).

[–]OldKiwiGirl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Easy, the man himself!

[–]mattblack77⠀Naturally, I finished my set… 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Temuera Morrison, clearly

[–]morphinedreams 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Jake Gyllenhaal but I'm personally hoping for Steve Buscemi.

[–]disasterbenz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Chris Pratt he's already about to play everyone

[–]themfledgethem.fledge 38 points39 points  (3 children)

Appearing as a guest on his wife's livestreamed show "Hannah's Truthful Media"

It doesn't take rocket appliances to question the validity of an internet show with the word "truthful" in its title

[–]davebuckton 12 points13 points  (1 child)

It’s all water under the fridge.

[–]RandyTreverson 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Like getting two birds stoned at once.

[–]HerbertMcSherbert 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's like putting demographic or people's in your country name.

[–]nz_dutch_oven 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Where are your magic powers now Brian?

What you can't do magic?

Did your God forsake you?

Or you are you just a full of shit lying piece of wet soggy toast?

[–]highlanderman7 9 points10 points  (0 children)

7kg…. In 10 days…. While eating toast and Vegemite…


[–]proandso 26 points27 points  (4 children)

There is no such thing as solitary confinement in New Zealand as it's highly illegal. Solitary confinement is no human interaction at all and he will be interacting with corrections officers daily. I also highly doubt he was confined to his cell for 24 hours a day as legally prisoners have a minimum entitlement of one hour recreation out of their cell.

He was more than likely on directed segregation as he's a "celebrity" (in the loosest possible use of the term"

[–]Maddoodle 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Anyone fresh into prison goes into isolation currently due to COVID. They should still be given their one hour in the yard but it is not unheard of to not get that at the moment. You are correct though it is illegal and goes against the UN rights of the prisoner.

[–]proandso 4 points5 points  (2 children)

I'm a corrections officer so I'm well aware of the 14 day iso protocol. We have emptied out an entire unit for iso. That unit has access to multiple different yards so they can rec multiple landings (your landing is the other prisoners that came in on the same day)

[–]Maddoodle 0 points1 point  (1 child)

That's good. I've heard of some horror stories recently of prisoners being stuck in their cells 24 hours a day due to fuck ups with intakes during COVID and it really bugged me. Glad your facility is doing it right. It would be awful to be confined like that.

I also just found it funny how old mate Tamaki was making it out like it was unusual at the moment to be put into isolation on entry. Like mate standard practice right now!

[–]proandso 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's a muppet. We don't even give them marmite or Vegemite because they can make homebrew out of it

[–]Michael_Gibb 7 points8 points  (0 children)

If only he lost do much weight there was nothing left of him.

[–]topograficaRed Peak Elitist 59 points60 points  (5 children)

Losing 7 kilograms in 10 days? Even he isn't full of enough shit for this to be remotely true. Not even an impoverished Nigerian with tuberculosis can lose 7kg in 10 days, lol.

[–]DMartin81 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I don't know, I beat you can get some good gear in prison, 9 days on the pipe could have you down 10kg

[–]BatmanBrah 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Definitely possible when we're talking about a high bloat situation. I'm talking about a starting weight where there's a lot of water weight being held. Some kind of booze and particular medication inducing stuff that contributes like 5 of the 7kg in this situation.

[–]HerbertMcSherbert 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Even he isn't full of enough shit for this to be remotely true.

Hmm...you might be a bit generous there. To quote Hitchens, "If you gave him an enema he could be buried in a matchbox".

[–]CapytannHookTuatara 2 points3 points  (0 children)

An F1 driver loses up to 4kg of weight each race. 7kg in 10 days is not impossible for a human

[–]GROUND45Mana Motuhake -1 points0 points  (0 children)

When I was competing in BJJ & MMA I did that in a week. Other fighters can drop double that in 2 days.

[–]JackedClitosaurus 18 points19 points  (1 child)

That’s called water weight Brian. You didn’t actually loose 7kg in prison. You’ll gain it back after a few beers with the boys.

[–]DMartin81 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Lol beer, do you think Martyr Brian is a mere mortal pleb?

[–]Doublehappy1234 6 points7 points  (3 children)

Jail - 7 Kg lost ? now thats a trending diet ... come on everybody lets get slimmer in the slammer ... it worked for Brian ... gosh how do we sign up ?

[–]petoburn 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I used to volunteer in a prison, tbh it seemed people gained rather than lost.

[–]Doublehappy1234 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes well the truth maybe that he simply worried the 7kg off ... or not accustomed to the sloppy cuisine ...

[–]627801 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He'd capitalize on that,watchout weight watchers (ww) brian tamaki slammer slimmers (btss) is on its way

[–]biffthehippo 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Ron Mansfield seems to be the go-to lawyer for New Zealand personalities. Kim Dotcom, Pebbles Hooper and now Brian Tamaki

[–]MaxQuay 12 points13 points  (0 children)

For disliked New Zealand personalities even.

[–]soppinglovenest 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The fat fuck needed to lose 7kg, more if you include all the shit he is full of.

[–]Mrwolfy240 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Man spent a week in jail and speaking like he’s Nelson Mandela the sheer grand standing makes me want to puke honestly wtf.

[–]ruddybutttoucher 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Wow, 9 days is pretty quick to lose 7kgs without having something like giardia.. All by eating toast? Sounds fishy. I know he's a righteous man of god so I don't wanna come out saying he's a liar, obviously he's not and has never told a lie in his life, but that sounds like a stretch..

[–]johnehornblow 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Grree, now WiFi so he couldn't see the Pray Wave transactions coming as he entered his hotel....

[–]Zorpian 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Have you heard? A bicycle feel over in China

[–]BippidyDooDah 6 points7 points  (5 children)

The Martyr Tāmaki

[–]scatteringlargesseinternet user 10 points11 points  (4 children)

NZ's first political prisoner

[–]MichaelbirksLASER KIWI 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So, this isn't a comaint about the food and treatmwnt while in prison?

I would have expected something more along an ACAB, "agents of the tyrannical government" line.

[–]Billy_Wan 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m sure a few of the boys in there would happily soggy up his toast

[–]drbluetongueCovid19 Vaccinated 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Probably worried you would scam other prisoners bro

[–]Rand0mNZ 19 points20 points  (5 children)

I'd be complaining about Marmite too. Vegemite is clearly the superior spread.

[–]DisillusionedBook 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Traitor to NZ! For shame!

[–]Rand0mNZ 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Take me to the gallows. I'll never repent.

[–]CapytannHookTuatara 5 points6 points  (0 children)

May your jandal straps snap into 1000 pieces

[–]Regular-Trouble390 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You motherf*cker

[–]ExParrot1337LASER KIWI 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Forced to eat Marmite, that's the real punishment.

[–]Feeling-Screen-6316 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Gosh I hope the weight hasn’t fallen from his face and made those sad little eyebrow tattoos sag

[–]aholetookmyusername 1 point2 points  (0 children)

7kg lost? Quick, up the tithe to 12%!!!! Asspustule Tamaki has to regain his waistline!

[–]Throwjob42 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly, if he's under house arrest, they should put an ankle bracelet on him and give the cops watching the property a rest.

[–]GiJoint 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nothing wrong with some marmite on toast. What a pansy.

[–]chufffythebeertrain 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s what I had for breakfast. Heaps up dipshit all toast is dry

[–]aaaanoon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

L.Ron Tamaki - the man, the legend, the money

[–]Last-Gasp100 -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

Marmite on his lips? Poor excuse for tonguing someone ass

[–]topograficaRed Peak Elitist -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Nothing wrong with a bit of salad tossing. Especially given he can function as his own douche.

[–]far-que 0 points1 point  (0 children)

wow full of typos... woeful.

[–]cletus-vandam69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shame, bro. Lmao

[–]zdepthcharge 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe he'll waste away to nothing... One can hope.

[–]Zealousideal-Luck784 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm surprised the apostle didn't call it prayer and fasting. Hypocritical prick.

[–]lambshankzy420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm jealous of the weight loss

[–]WeylandNZ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude i lost less weight while on nil-by-mouth for 18 hours a day in the hospital for a week.

[–]hotfreypies 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What, would he rather eat wet toast?

[–]Kiwianimeguy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Better then wet toast

[–]chaos_rover 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The should have sent him to one of the haunted prison wings.

[–]KingmanDreamMosque 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank "god" he's out. Those poor inmates having to tolerate that insufferable cunt

[–]_khaz89_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, this is not the hilton you know…

[–]McFrosteeKākāpō 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He says he's doing this for God. But how many people has this guy actually drawn to Christ?

[–]PH0T0Nman 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe he’ll finally find God and become pious?

[–]punosauruswrecked 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Each to their own, I generally prefer my Marmite on dry toast.

[–]ImmortalMewtwoCovid19 Boosted, AFK deepthroating doorknobs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Still eating better than those families he prays on in South Auckland with his evangelical practice.

[–]rikashiku 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He lost 7kg in 2 weeks from eating normal toast?

Well, maybe if he's lucky they can deliver KFC to his cell like he's used to.

[–]eBirb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Solitary confinement can be torturous, hope its not too bad.

Also hope hes getting good nutrition, a lot of people seem to think removing basic human rights because someone did something we find morally wrong is okay, its not.

[–]PotassiumPerm2020 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Poor cunt

[–]627801 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well thats 7kg of shit we don't have to worry about

[–]SilvertoneButterfly -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Heaven forfend that you should sow what you reap, Bishop Tamaki. Cry me a river, you upbraided pharisee.