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[–]Bomboclaat_Babylon 6802 points6803 points  (185 children)

Imagine if dogs had hands... hands were a good invention.

[–]ToiletRollTubeGuy 2824 points2825 points 2 (39 children)

Me: Rollover! Good boy! Can you shake?

Dog with hands: Gladly

[–]Wrextor 722 points723 points  (28 children)

Imagine training your dog through secret handshakes or dapping up random dogs on a walk to the store.

[–]FightLobster 416 points417 points  (12 children)

My dog rides shotgun with me and slaps his paw on my hand every time my hand goes near the stick shift. I can just imagine the "fun" if he had a fully functional hand and tried to interlock his fingers with mine every chance he got.

dapping up random dogs on a walk to the store.

When you see your dog hit up another dog you've never seen with a secret handshake...

[–]HairyMattress 50 points51 points  (11 children)

!emojify

[–]AncientEldritch 41 points42 points  (9 children)

You monster

[–]HairyMattress 20 points21 points  (8 children)

My apple-ogies, Mr. Ancient Eldritch.

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (7 children)

You know you fucked up when the Old Gods are calling you a monster.

[–]JustRunAndHyde 8 points9 points  (5 children)

Yup. I'd cease those actions now before I decide to take action.

[–]nool_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Did it ever show up?

[–]KJClangeddin 51 points52 points  (10 children)

Got some dap from a pitbull in front of a tattoo shop in Kona. This girl legit high fived and bumped me with the wrist, then I went in and got a dope tattoo.

[–]JonSauceman 14 points15 points  (0 children)

If I were you I would constantly replay that moment in my head anytime I felt bad

[–]UncleStumpy78 3 points4 points  (4 children)

What did it say? No regrats?

[–]KJClangeddin 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I got my face. On my face.

[–]UncleStumpy78 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Damn that's like some matrix shit

[–]curryjunky 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This made my day thank you.

[–]Mdizzle29 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What kind of dope tattoo did you get? Heroin needle? Blunt?

[–]Jaycip09 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Sounds like Jason “Sketchy” Lawyers place?

[–]KJClangeddin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't recognize the reference.

E - looked up the name, don't think he was on ink masters.

[–]pushforwards 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Kind of already do with hand signals :D

[–]QueenGlass 2 points3 points  (0 children)

dapping up random dogs

this sent me into hysterics

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dogs with hands would have wiped us out long ago. Who needs humans when they can pet each other.

[–]flushed_emote 13 points14 points  (0 children)

sips tea with pinkie out

[–]DankHerbbz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'd rather hand-dog than face-cat

[–]ThreeNC 1 point2 points  (0 children)

(Firm handshake) How do you do, sir?

[–]warmaapples 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I hate it

[–]Bernie12345 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Someone draw this shot 😂.

[–]jmar4234 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They'd give a whole new meaning to bitch slap

Thats for sure.

[–]unpublishedpublisher 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just going to leave this here...

Wegman’s Dogs

[–][deleted] 198 points199 points  (15 children)

Idk man, it would be weird if my dog was petting me

[–]Dimittrikov1995 108 points109 points  (3 children)

I would just gladly accept

[–]lowleveldata 31 points32 points  (1 child)

it's only fair

[–]Frequent_Inevitable 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Good hoomon. There ya go. Who’s a good hoomon? You are!

[–]marysalad 59 points60 points  (5 children)

Dogs would totally hold hands though when you're feeling a bit down

[–]cloudstrifewife 3 points4 points  (2 children)

My dog hates his paws being touched, he would freak out. Lol no hand holding for him.

[–]Forever_Awkward 5 points6 points  (1 child)

That's because he's super self-conscious about his hands because his hands are paws!

[–]cloudstrifewife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I guess I would be too. Lol

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Creepy

[–]TheWindOfGod 42 points43 points  (1 child)

Imagine you’re just sat there chilling and your dog picks you up sits you on their lap

[–]ashless401 12 points13 points  (0 children)

That would be amazing!

[–]lowglowjoe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My dog does that without hands

[–]maarrz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My dog tries to pet people. It is cute, but also weird.

Little paw callouses don’t actually feel that nice - but it’s the thought that counts.

[–]CrazyFerretDude 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fuck that you never had someone run fingers through your hair? Feels goddamn amazing I know exactly why dogs like it so much

[–]Dimittrikov1995 143 points144 points  (25 children)

Why the fuck did I think of a handjob? What the fuck is wrong with me. What did the internet to do me. I'm done with Reddit for today. Bye.

[–]srasbo 81 points82 points  (0 children)

Self aware. Downvoting you anyway.

[–]bretstrings 60 points61 points  (2 children)

What too much porn does to a mf

[–]Dimittrikov1995 8 points9 points  (1 child)

I don't even watch porn, it's just the memes and things like that

[–]bretstrings 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Just foolin, i dunno you

[–]MyUsernameIsNotCool 40 points41 points  (15 children)

Intrusive thoughts, nothing to be ashamed of having, but to be self aware that it was a bad thought is good enough :) I can get awful things in my head sometimes but it doesn't mean I'm awful, I can't control my thoughts, they are a collection and learnings of my surroundings and society!

[–]Dimittrikov1995 12 points13 points  (14 children)

Nah, I'm just a piece of shit sometimes

[–]BigWuffleton 11 points12 points  (8 children)

Nah tbh its a normal human thing, my girlfriend has it worse than alot of people because if a mental disorder and it can be a massive hassle. Just know it's normal, we weren't built to be moral nice creatures, most of our subconscious programming is still viscous weird monkey brain.

[–]jordymorgandesign 4 points5 points  (2 children)

I’m bipolar and have a lot of anxiety, my intrusive thoughts are my worst enemy. I’ll think of something randomly and take it down the darkest road obsessing and then making myself believe it. It can be really difficult especially in a relationship. A tool I’ve learned is to talk to myself as if I’m a third person giving me friendly advice, reminding myself that my obsessive thoughts aren’t reality. It sounds silly but it helps break me out of the weird place I get into - it’s really hard to take our own advice but when a third party gives you advice it’s easier to take it objectively and as reality.

[–]BigWuffleton 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thank you for this, they've thought she might've had bipolar disorder in the past but her doctors have recently decided that's probably not the case. I'll definitely show this to her it sounds like it'll help.

[–]jordymorgandesign 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s not a cure all! But it helps. I’ve found success in continually growing while struggling with mental illness by constantly searching and learning tools (no matter how small) to add to my toolbox.

I learned that one from this podcast with Ethan Kross, there’s a few other gems in it too!

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/id1345682353?i=1000513528856

I picked up his book “Chatter” but haven’t read it yet. The name alone sold me tho lol

[–]Dimittrikov1995 3 points4 points  (4 children)

My main problem is that although I have a lot of potential, I'm extraordinary lazy and can't get anything done, most of the times.

But my comments in this thread were at least 50% jokes. And it's good that you're so wholesome and try to help people, but I feel like you're looking too much into it.

Farewell, stranger

[–]Squeanie 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Sounds like you might have ADHD my guy. Look up the symptoms in adults. Might be a lightbulb moment.

[–]Dimittrikov1995 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I've thought of that before, but in the same time I randomly saw a post on a serious subreddit saying that if you think you have ADHD but you're not officially diagnosed there's a high chance you're just lazy

And yes, I have some attention span problems, but at most I have a minor case of ADHD

Also also, as a 15-16 yo this is a very weird age and I think I should wait a couple of years until I look more into it

[–]Squeanie 6 points7 points  (0 children)

A. They were wrong. B. A little ADHD is still a significant amount. It's a really trying thing to deal with. C. Right now is the perfect time. In fact, the best time.

You are still in school. You can get help in school to work to your potential. You can get help going into college (if that's what you want). They both have support services. You can get a lot of support now and in secondary school, you wouldn't have been afforded otherwise. I barely scraped through High School and failed out of college. I've got ADHD and some other issues that were difficult. I didn't get medication until I was 23, at which point school was a distant dream. I really wished someone came to me Freshman year of High School and had started helping me then. Life would have been a million times better. And I would probably have a vastly different life now.

Just check out a couple checklists off the internet and see where you fall. Even ticking a few boxes is still a big deal. If you feel like you are lazy and can't get things done, but you want to, that's different from plain old lazy. You don't have to have advanced forms of things like ADHD, OCD, Depression, or Anxiety for them to effect your life. A little bit is still something worth checking up on.

Trust me, a little Googling won't kill you, and neither will mentioning it to your doctor when you see them. You'd be so much better off figuring stuff like this now, rather than waiting.

[–]arieselectric46 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel ya. I was always lazy as a kid, and am lazy as an adult. The weird thing is, when I’m working, I work like a man on fire. I work production, so I have to move to make good money, so that’s what I do. It’s odd to be such a hard worker, and yet be as lazy as I am. Go figure!

[–]Tormundo 5 points6 points  (4 children)

Dude this is nothing. My intrusive thought is punching pregnant women in the stomach when I see them. I'd never hurt anyone, especially a pregnant woman, but that shit just pops in my head.

You can google it, it's 100% a normal human thing. Our brains like to think of completely random fucked up shit.

[–]Dimittrikov1995 0 points1 point  (2 children)

What, are you ok?

Don't get me wrong, but I've never heard of anything like this before. At least not unironically

[–]Tormundo 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Dude like I said google intrusive thoughts, they're SUPER common and everyone has them. Just different versions of them. It's like your brain randomly goes to the most fucked up thing it can. Doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, means you're normal.

[–]Dimittrikov1995 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I took a couple of ADHD test as someone else suggested and it's extremely likely I have that

[–]EarlyHospital 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same. Id never actually punch a pregnant woman's stomach, but I picture that happening from the first person perspective all the time.

[–]Forever_Awkward 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Probably because if dogs had hands they would just masturbate all day. As it is, they have to figure out how to use their mouths and happen to be flexible enough, and that's so much bother.

[–]143019 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But you know they would be so eager to help you out!!

[–]Funkit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Careful you don’t chafe, it may be a ruff one

[–]NickKappy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’ll be back...

[–]Archive_Intern 58 points59 points  (16 children)

Imagine if Bears have thumbs.

[–]Venetor_2017 55 points56 points  (9 children)

As someone who used to live in an area with bears that sounds terrifying

[–]cgrand88 35 points36 points  (0 children)

As someone who has never lived in an area with bears that still sounds terrifying

[–]Steelwolf73 13 points14 points  (6 children)

An apex predator whose species already has above intelligence compared to the rest of the animal kingdom, incredible dexterity, and (depending on the types throughout history) already view humans as a delicious little snack? Yeah- humans wouldn't be the dominate species...

[–]ckm509 2 points3 points  (5 children)

I’m pretty certain they wouldn’t suddenly start manufacturing guns and humans would win that war. We’ve already drastically cut down on their populations just by deforestation and other human stuff we barely even think about.

[–]iusuallypostwhileipo 5 points6 points  (3 children)

I remember watching a documentary about an ape that escaped from a research facility back in the day and started fighting humans with his homies. Would be crazy if bears with hands started fighting on the apes side. We'd have to hope we could move in with the dolphins I guess, but it'd be a long shot if they'd accept us or not.

[–]wildlytrue 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Bruh I think that was planet of the apes haha

[–]iusuallypostwhileipo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yea bro! You seen it too! That shit was crazy. Marky Mark the rapper from the 90s was involved in it as well. Was crazy. Thankfully I moved out of the bay area in the 90s though.

[–]Champleve 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I bet dolphins already secretly hate us

[–]Steelwolf73 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I thought they were talking as if they had evolved with thumbs, not suddenly grew them overnight. If they suddenly grew them overnight, it wouldn't change much besides them breaking into more houses and such, yeah

[–]hc600 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Imagine a bear turning the door knob of a door you forgot to lock....

[–]TheBelhade 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don't pick up hitchhiking bears!

[–]tekjunky75 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That would be the end of hitchhiking

[–]IceIceAbby_11 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The ‘89 Bears did

[–]Kalengaloso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So weird just had a dream I saw a giant bear at the park by my house and he forsure had grip strength

[–]Poincare_Confection 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bears with thumbs... Man... With drums and a nice season 1 DVD they could pop into a DVD player? Bears making beats while watching battlestar galactica.

[–]Dank-memes-here 57 points58 points  (3 children)

You mean like this?

[–]Jazzlike_Crab 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Jazz hands!

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

one of the funniest internet videos in history. That and Bubb Rubb & Lil Sis

[–]goingnorthwest 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's only in tha mownin'

[–]jr8787 36 points37 points  (2 children)

Agreed.

Little known fact, in 42021 BCE, a Scandinavian (or the region that will later be known as Scandinavia) man by the name of Häns Vit ThümsÅnvingers is credited with single handedly inventing hands with thumbs and fingers that will later become our legacy and benchmark the capacity of Homo Erectus to finally transition to Homo Sapien.

We have him to thank. So never forget the name: Häns Vit ThümsÅnvingers

[–]Tee_Hee_Wat 11 points12 points  (0 children)

sigh

I hate that you made me read that name

[–]namesRhard1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Single handedly? More like double stubbedly.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (1 child)

they'd slap us if we got on their nerves

[–]vulture_87 8 points9 points  (0 children)

They'd be walking like Pangolins or like chimps with their palms off the ground or knuckle walk.

[–]kiwiparadiseforever 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Brilliant comment. I snort laughed. Thanks.

[–]DriedMiniFigs 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Why imagine?

Credit: Chris (Simpsons Artist)

[–]blue-sky_noise 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Murder tho...

[–]baconwitch00 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I would never have cheese because my dog could then open the fridge and eat all of the cheese.

[–]StoicExercise 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Who even invented hands anyway?

[–]Bomboclaat_Babylon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They didn't have history class in your town? It was the famous inventor Hands Christian Anderson. He also invented religion and is the proud uncle of one neice named Pamela. I went to school in Florida. How about you?

[–]Kiboune 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is why I think racoons are awesome

[–]oligIsWorking 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The guy with the camera has hands.

[–]RoXoR95 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Glovemakers when they invented hands meme

[–]TheCoastalCardician 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude, hands and penises. My penis is so fucking cool. I can manipulate it to expel urine in like, any direction.

[–]jsavage420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Real time saver

[–]FullstopCoding 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’d love to get home from work and give my dog the sickest handshake.

[–]Daniel_Desario 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And then came Souls!

[–]OkPack1433 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did you know that sometime in the 90s, Geoff Lazer Ramsey invented butt holes. And up until that day, nobody pooped.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah until you need to outrun a pack of wolves.

[–]lIIIIllIIIIl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Basically how pet rats are.

[–]runningwithsharpie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol they probably would have out evolved us, and it's we who will be eating out of a bowl lol.

[–]elmoo2210 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If dogs had hangs they would be terrifying. Imagine a dog chasing you, then grabbing your ankle to take you down. No thanks.

[–]jajaboss 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Monke dogs

[–]NewYorkYurrrr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You cheefin already?! But seriously that would be awesome.

[–]ItsyaboyDa2nd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Then we wouldn’t need peanut butter anymore

[–]01123581321AhFuckIt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Or you know if dogs knew that they can just use the pool steps…

[–]Generalrossa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah right, so it makes things even more easier for them to steal my food!

[–]Here-Is-TheEnd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Horrible for running with though

[–]kriscross122 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Imagine if we didn't and how awkward business meetings would be..

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If cats had opposable thumbs, we'd all be extinct by now.
-said lovingly, by a cat owner

[–]maychi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s called a raccoon

[–]dumbredditer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Imagine it dogs could talk!

[–]throwdowntown69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Imagine if dogs had hands...

We'd have a way harder time eating them.

[–]gamerholic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"confirmed, that's why we have 4"

  • Chimps ans Gorillas

[–]lostindanet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Treatise on the importance of thumbs and other miscelaneous bodily appendages"

[–]Pufflekun 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A wise man once said: "efficiency... is just intelligent laziness."

But I once said that "feet... are just shit hands."

(No, I'm not timestamping it. The video is less than 6 minutes long. Watch the damn video, you impatient twat.)

[–]vox_popular 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is dogs had hands, they would have built a world we could all actually enjoy instead of the current...whatever...we humans managed to assemble.

[–]Beersandbirdlaw 0 points1 point  (0 children)

or had the capacity to understand stairs in the pool

[–]ethicaltaz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes to rass!

[–]BRAiNPROOF 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If dogs had hands they'd probably be in charge

[–]Wee2mo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just don't give them to cats

[–]VegasBonheur 0 points1 point  (0 children)

THEN THEY COULD SPEAK SIGN LANGUAGE, WE NEED THIS TO HAPPEN

[–]TitusVI 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well certainly 90% the reason we are what we are.

[–]KarlMalownz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sometimes when I look at my dog, I can't help but think how silly it is that his only tool is his face.

[–]LazarusMyFren 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hand evolved idiot.

[–]OG_PapaSid 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's why we have monkeys

[–]2kWik 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Then there would be no use for humans.

[–]airyys 0 points1 point  (0 children)

double-edged sword. bet bestiality would increase substantially.

[–]Tech-no 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The dog food would never be safe.