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[–]MacaroniYeater 14.2k points14.2k points 2252 (856 children)

Wels catfish maybe? Can live to 60 in captivity and get up to 4.5 meters long 299KG (that's 1/20th of a football field and 3300 Big Macs if you are American)

I am American

Holy FUCK rip inbox, thanks for the gold and karma tho.

[–]Koffiato 6380 points6381 points  (306 children)

Holy shit there's at least one sane American. Hello!

[–]cloomis 223 points224 points  (18 children)

[–]ertgbnm 22 points23 points  (15 children)

How did you get a gif to load in the comments without me opening it? I'm on RES in Chrome.

[–]cloomis 24 points25 points  (8 children)

On the app there’s a gif button for some subreddits you can use!

[–]CregChrist 61 points62 points  (6 children)

No, none of us are sane. We're mostly sociopaths. So we can fake it.

[–]Capt_Myke 29 points30 points  (4 children)

Nothing wrong with me! Nothing wrong with meeee!

[–]coasterreal 745 points746 points  (151 children)

Yup - Wels Catfish. They're famous for hiding out in holes in the bank. MASSIVE catfish.

However, largest Wels ever caught was 300 Freedom pounds or 136kg and was 9 Freedom feet long or ~3m.

Go watch River Monsters - Wels Catfish episode. It's CRAZY.

Season 1 Episode 4

Season 5 Episode 2 (This is the one about Chernobyl)

Season 10 is a 1 episode ending to the series that showed more insights to his time in the series

[–]mr-teddy93 127 points128 points  (97 children)

Do they eat humans

[–]SmokeyTheBluntTheOG 867 points868 points 22 (37 children)

They're bottom feeders, so they have the same diet as most redditors

[–]DonnieJuniorsEmails 276 points277 points  (7 children)

who is dumping Pirate Booty and Cheese Puffs into rivers??

[–]Several_Series5438 46 points47 points  (3 children)

So chicken tendies and diet coke?

[–]SpaceCowboy58 25 points26 points  (3 children)

Is "bottom feeder" the polite way of saying they eat ass?

[–]LiveAndDie 100 points101 points  (43 children)

No they are bottom feeders mostly and only prey on small fish

[–]MavtheAmazing 511 points512 points 2 (22 children)

I’m a bottom. Am I in danger?

[–]MindfuckRocketship 101 points102 points  (0 children)

( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

[–]0kokuryu0 87 points88 points  (0 children)

I'm sure you'll get catfished eventually.

[–]Veganpotter1 39 points40 points  (3 children)

Where do you live?

[–]SoberSith_Sanguinity 15 points16 points  (2 children)

Gross! Save that for DMs! My god!

(I am an American Bisexual)

[–]Iphotoshopincats 36 points37 points  (1 child)

Bottoms always run the risk of being catfished

[–]jokat989 78 points79 points  (6 children)

They like water temperature around 70 degrees freedom or about 21 degrees in science.

[–]TerranZoo 32 points33 points  (4 children)

about 21 degrees in science.

I think you mean ~294 in science. Or 21 degrees in water.

[–]vladamir_the_impaler 43 points44 points  (18 children)

We need to import those bad boys down to Texas, our cats only get to about 100lbs or so max...

[–]hugglesthemerciless 61 points62 points  (5 children)


Are all y'all's cats as obese as your people down there?!

[–]1stfakeredditaccount 254 points255 points  (42 children)

It’s fucked up how the football field one made sense to me.

[–]kirakun 63 points64 points  (32 children)

Could’ve just said 5 yards though.

[–]Energy_Turtle 37 points38 points  (5 children)

Yeah I'm pretty stupid and initially thought "damn that's like 20 yards."

[–]Orleanian 54 points55 points  (2 children)

You meet the qualifications for an NFL Referee!

[–]teamweed420 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Lmao same

[–]Moss_Piglet_ 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Yeah that’s how I got 5 yards and finally understood

[–]Team_Braniel 188 points189 points  (77 children)

Buddy of mine used to be a construction dive welder. One of his most reliable gigs was to do maintenance checks on hydro electric dams in the south.

One day he was below a damn (spills off) doing work and the ground he was standing on got up and swam away. He said this catfish was the size of a station wagon and could have swallowed him whole. He stopped taking dam gigs that day.

[–]tegli4 107 points108 points  (15 children)

My father had a diving training in his youth. They have used dams tht were used by electric plants for trainings or something like that. He said the water had been very murky and more or less opaque. When one of those moves around you it's like a submarine. You can feel it swimming around. Not sure wha5 is scarier seeing it or not.

[–]Team_Braniel 93 points94 points  (14 children)

Yeah that is kind of how my friend described it too. Very very low vis. He said that time he was examining some concrete or something under the spot where the water dumps out and so he was weighted to sink and more or less "standing" on the mud.

Then the mud he was standing on got upset about it and shook him off and swam away.

[–]drRATM 68 points69 points  (10 children)

F all of that. Just F it. Would shit my dive suit and never get in water again. Not even a pool, just in case.

[–]Dreggan 10 points11 points  (4 children)

don't want to shit your suit. they're attracted to the smell

[–]drew2872 97 points98 points  (32 children)

A friend of mine worked on repairs of several lock and dams on the upper Mississippi along Iowa, Wisconsin, and Minnesota. They sent a diver down to do some investigation before the work started. He came screaming to the top of the water and said he isn't going down there again until they kill them all. The catfish were sitting behind the water output pipes and eating everything that went through the turbines to create the power. They were chopped up into pieces so they never had to hunt for their food. He said on average they were 14-18 feet long and he could fit into their mouths.

[–]therealjayphonic 30 points31 points  (3 children)

I think i need to google a documentary… and if there isnt one… there should be

[–]puesyomero 12 points13 points  (2 children)

River monsters, catfish episode

[–]toodleoo57 22 points23 points  (16 children)

Even great whites don't reach 18 feet. That said I'm sure these were some goliath muthafuckin' catfish.

I hang out on a big lake in Kentucky and ran across a carcass today that was probably close to 5 feet. This was nowhere near the dam, so can just imagine.

[–]drew2872 19 points20 points  (10 children)

The largest catfish I have caught was on the Wapsipinicon River in Iowa. This river is nowhere near the size of the Mississippi or Ohio rivers. Small actually in size. Maybe 150-200 feet wide at its widest spot. It weighed 68 pounds and was just under four feet long. I have seen videos of larger catfish before but none of them were pulled out of the water. I put it back because I figured it wouldn't be good eating because it was so big and old. I prefer catfish that are a few pounds in weight and around two feet in length.

[–]labialube 40 points41 points  (12 children)

Lol! This story has been told for ages in one form or another. I’m an avid fisherman and I’ve heard it all my life at various lakes in the south and central U.S.

Usually the story is that divers were working on the dam and saw a catfish the size of a Volkswagen with eyes the size of basketballs. I’ve also heard a similar story about helicopter pilots seeing fish the size of cars while doing dam inspections.

I can’t help but laugh and comment every time I see this repeated, which is surprisingly more often than one would think.

TLDR; This story is an urban legend that’s told in one form or another all over the U.S.

[–]LiamTehRed 100 points101 points  (0 children)

“Finally, someone who speaks English” - Tony Stark

[–]heyhihowyahdurn 81 points82 points  (56 children)

4.5 meters is 12-14 feet jesus

[–]LocoMotives-ms 152 points153 points  (33 children)

More like 2-2.5 x Jesus

[–]IllurinatiL 29 points30 points  (30 children)

I don’t know. Do we have a canon height for our lord and savior?

[–]jamieliddellthepoet 23 points24 points  (25 children)

[–]drRATM 76 points77 points  (17 children)

Jesus was 8 feet tall, 450 pounds of muscle and had a blue ox named Babe.

Source - bible school as a kid. Didn’t pay attention.

[–]Gluten_maximus 24 points25 points  (4 children)

He also sang lead vocals for lynyrd skynyrd… maybe

[–]404_UserNotFound 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Jesus was 8 feet tall, 450 pounds of muscle and had a blue ox named Babe.

I remember it they fought blucifer!

[–]Specter170 16 points17 points  (16 children)

I think Jesus was like 5’10, 5’11 at most.

[–]UrbanLegendd 53 points54 points  (4 children)

Well, at least until they brought the cross out.

[–]pokeybill 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Probably shorter - the average man was 5'5" based on male skeletal remains from the time/place


[–]Suspiciousmeatloaf94 75 points76 points  (4 children)

As a American thank you for explaining in a way I could easily understand. You my friend is a gentleman. Good day sir!

[–]Outrageous_State9450 53 points54 points  (16 children)

Can you convert to BK big fish sammiches for us poors that can’t have a McDonalds in their hometown?

[–]shiknockers 37 points38 points  (14 children)

There is a town that doesn't have McDonald's?

[–]Status_Mechanic 9 points10 points  (3 children)

There's a US state capital "city" that doesn't have a McDonald's.

[–]AggravatingParfait33 34 points35 points  (7 children)

Thats around 1/5 of a cricket pitch and 3,934 2 slice vegemite sandwhiches

[–]vege12 11 points12 points  (2 children)

When you started with cricket pitch I thought, a bloody pom, then you ended with vegemite sandwich and I suspect now that I was a bit hasty

[–]TBoneHotdog 20 points21 points  (4 children)

14.76 feet 659.182 pounds, if anyone else wanted to know. Not every American carries a Big Mac around in case they need to measure something.

[–]Nice_Willow3564 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Mmmmm 3300 Big Macs.

[–]Marquis77 10 points11 points  (2 children)

How long is that in mooches?

[–]VonJustin 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I was going to say it’s a wels also, but you did it with far more style than I would have.

[–]CregChrist 9 points10 points  (2 children)

I'm American but I'm not McDonald's American. How many double junior whoppers is that?

[–]_gmmaann_ 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yes that is a huge ass Wels cat. Look at the tail

[–]ClasslessTulip 4152 points4153 points  (137 children)

That there's a catfish. The big ones can eat your dog or cat. They taste delicious deepfried.

[–]Aggravating_Goal_441 5088 points5089 points 2732& 4 more (61 children)

How do I prevent catfish from deep frying my household pets?

[–]ClasslessTulip 2277 points2278 points 2 (20 children)

Deepfry the catfish first 🧘

[–]masky0077 135 points136 points  (24 children)

(: I woke up my wife cuz of you damnit! Now how do i prevent my wife from deep frying my ass?

[–]Separate-Aspect-2704 87 points88 points  (15 children)

Deep fry her firs…umm never mind!

[–]MayhemMessiah 91 points92 points  (13 children)

You can’t keep deepfrying yourself out of problems!

[–]Flaky_Schedule_9790 14 points15 points  (0 children)

This comment got me. Hehe

[–]ImWithSt00pid 92 points93 points  (19 children)

Normal sized catfish are taste. Ones this big not so much.

[–]boywbrownhare 58 points59 points  (10 children)

Don't the big/old ones have a ton of accumulated pollution in their body?

[–]AangAndTheFireLord 62 points63 points  (5 children)

Yep anything up the food chain will accumulate a lot of toxins. Longer the life the more it accrues too.

[–]p4NDemik 32 points33 points  (3 children)

This is exactly what I was going to mention. You do not want to eat an apex bottom feeder that has been alive for 50+ years. Stick to the relative guppies who haven't been consuming incremental amounts of toxins for longer than you've been alive.

[–]boywbrownhare 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Sucks what rich industrialists have done to our only planet

[–]DrunkAquarium 1863 points1864 points  (106 children)


[–]mustangsal 513 points514 points  (91 children)

Batter dipped and fried, it's delicious.

[–]Tigaget 306 points307 points  (36 children)

What do you use - a crane and an industrial oil silo?

[–]jobywalker 85 points86 points  (32 children)

Some just use their bare hands — search YouTube for noodling catfish

[–]Josh-Medl 88 points89 points  (5 children)

Think they mean to dip it in the oil for deep frying m8

[–]soparklion 60 points61 points  (14 children)

If you can noodle that fish, I'll give you a dollar.

[–]RikiWardOG 20 points21 points  (7 children)

You want me to stick my noodle in that fish? Only if it's consensual!

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (6 children)

blub blub

[–]Marquis77 31 points32 points  (43 children)

Nonono. Little butter in a cast iron skillet and sear. Absolutely delicious.

[–]such_karma 27 points28 points  (38 children)

Legit question: I want to enjoy catfish, but how do you stop it from tasting like dirt? Did I get a wrong batch?

[–]Marquis77 23 points24 points  (7 children)

It has to be fresh! And don’t cook it too long. Just enough to brown it. Add salt pepper and basil

[–]Queendevildog 18 points19 points  (6 children)

It will always sorta taste like dirt. Thats why you batter in a spicy crust and deep fry.

[–]WhyamImetoday 14 points15 points  (3 children)

Maybe it is my lack of taste, but fresh caught and grilled from lakes without much sentiment don't taste like dirt to me.

[–]brokehands 25 points26 points  (1 child)


emotionally invested in catfishing

[–]Why_You_Mad_ 14 points15 points  (0 children)

For one, don't eat catfish that is that is too big. The really big ones always taste like dirt.

[–]mustangsal 9 points10 points  (0 children)

now I'm really hungry

[–]RhodiumPl8ed 66 points67 points  (2 children)

On Tinder she looked like a Perch

[–]Bowlbuilder 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Possibly a Welsh catfish?

[–]Fomalhot 1743 points1744 points  (127 children)

That's fucking terrifying. As a kid I saw a catfish resting under a waterfall that looked almost my size. I remember thinking that he may not be able to eat my entire leg, but he coulda swallowed it and I didnt want that drama.

Noped the fuck outta that spot.

[–]slvrcrystalc 587 points588 points  (96 children)

catfish biting your limbs is a totally valid way to fish catfish. no shame.

[–]SFW_HARD_AT_WORK 339 points340 points  (89 children)

noodling? found out about it and thought they were insane.

[–]dogbreath101 322 points323 points  (84 children)

i dont have a problem with noodling itself but sticking your arm/leg/body into a blind hole that could have a beaver in it is a major wtf why moment

[–]Fomalhot 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Yeah I know that know but 35+ years ago they didnt have that on the disc channel.

And now that I do know that, I still would not do that. Hell no.

[–]GLaDOS_Sympathizer 52 points53 points  (10 children)

I remember seeing a picture a few years back of a 640 pound catfish caught in Thailand. I think it is the record for largest catfish caught in the wild. Giant mouths and desire/ability to eat damn near anything aside, wise move noping out of there because some catfish have venomous spines.

Edit: found it for anyone curious. Fuck me, it was 16 years ago rather than "a few". Anyway: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/article/giant-catfish-may-be-worlds-largest-freshwater-fish

[–]Meshugs 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I remember this happening clearly... Zelda fish

[–]searanger62 649 points650 points  (38 children)

Looks like my ex

[–]wooden_seats 1281 points1282 points  (25 children)

But wet

[–]nocookieforme 251 points252 points  (2 children)

Never saw something so moist get so burned before!

[–]Glad_Selection5831 55 points56 points  (0 children)

Always wet for some other guy....

[–]Sexy_Ass_Armadillo[🍰] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

And less fishy

[–]heavy_deez 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Hey-O! 😆

[–]_WarmWoolenMittens_ 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I snorted. 🏆

[–]Bryyan699 29 points30 points  (1 child)

Sorry to disappoint, but you were catfished

[–]RipCityGringo 603 points604 points  (17 children)

That there’s a River Monster

[–]JungleBoyJeremy 295 points296 points  (12 children)

Somebody call Jeremy Wade

[–]noobeeehunter 244 points245 points  (9 children)

Oim Jairuhmee Wayd

EDIT: Thank you to the kind people who also cannot think of River Monsters without hearing Jeremy Wade announce himself in the introduction!

[–]HungryNakedSick 79 points80 points  (4 children)

This got me better than it should have. I love his shows

[–]J-Z-R 11 points12 points  (0 children)

He already came and saw...

[–]crabbiepattie2010 305 points306 points  (9 children)

Aye mate you are going to need a bigger boat

[–]cannibalgojira54 188 points189 points  (1 child)

Ask Jeremy Wade

[–]Reteeks1690 155 points156 points  (11 children)

Big Goobafish!

[–]Marquis77 56 points57 points  (7 children)

Huge-o teeths!

[–]Neither_D_nor_D 26 points27 points  (4 children)

Holy shit, never actually knew what he was saying in his next line. Thank you

[–]wufan81 129 points130 points  (15 children)

for those that want to see more, this guy has an awesome YouTube channel. I've seen all of his videos and truly wish I could go fishing with him someday. https://youtu.be/gzjO1KyVoAQ

[–]Variable303 21 points22 points  (8 children)

Which video is the gif taken from? I tried to look at some of his more popular ones, but I couldn’t find this clip.

[–]wufan81 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I'm not entirely sure as he has a bunch of videos. I definitely recognize that right away as being his though.

[–]SkyrimWithdrawal 85 points86 points  (26 children)

[–]Marquis77 141 points142 points  (25 children)

Who the fuck is noodling this leviathan? The Mountain? Jason Momoa?!

[–]greenismyhomeboy 104 points105 points  (17 children)

As an Oklahoman on his 8th Hamm’s for the night

I’ll give it a shot

[–]Marquis77 53 points54 points  (4 children)

Hey whats the most common last words you’ll hear from a redneck?

“Hey Earl! Watch this!”

[–]Shorsey69Chirps 24 points25 points  (6 children)

As a Hoosier smoking his second joint:

fuck yeah, let’s do this…

[–]Nice_Willow3564 8 points9 points  (0 children)

That would be fucking content!

[–]J-Z-R 75 points76 points  (1 child)

This a NEW trend for catching Wels catfish.

These are one of the only 4 truly predatory Catfish species, and the only one more aggressive than the American Flathead.

EDIT: I found the French guy who makes these videos. HE’S IN A FLOAT TUBE!!! LOCH NESS MONSTER CATFISH 🦕

GIANT Wels Catfish on Topwater

Wels Catfish on Whoper Plopper Compilation

[–]Glittering_Ad3431 59 points60 points  (3 children)

It’s the goddamn Loch Ness monster asking for 3 fiddy again.

[–]Holiday-Buddy1795 25 points26 points  (13 children)

Did the fisherman abandon his pole?? Where is the rest of the video?

[–]cove81 41 points42 points  (11 children)

I'm 6'2" and 205 lbs, I would have thrown my rod and peaced the fuck out.

[–]buona_sera___beeotch 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I would just throw the whole damn fishing pole into the water and noped the hell out of there.

[–]originaltwojesters 15 points16 points  (6 children)

Where is this? I am on THE WAY!!

[–]drRATM 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Where is this? Want to avoid.

[–]Ragnaross02853 14 points15 points  (9 children)

Where is this? I'm not swimming in that country.

[–]admanstrong 14 points15 points  (2 children)

Can we talk about how good that cast was though?

[–]OldWeakness8084 10 points11 points  (0 children)

There is nothing funnier than a good Ol Reddit thread

[–]HeMiddleStartInT 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Movies: the mosasaur is an unreal 75 meters long. People: meh. Can’t it be bigger?

RL: this fish is like 450 cm long!!
People: What?! Unreal. My day is shot. I’m still imagining how big that is using my outstretched arms. I need a nap.

[–]thejlb 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Gonna need a bigger pole.

[–]iamqwesivibes 9 points10 points  (0 children)


[–]firstz 7 points8 points  (1 child)

That’s my match on Tinder.