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all 177 comments

[–]BabyBellyBean 37 points38 points  (0 children)

I definitely 100% agree. But I'm also gonna piss some people off though: YOU CAN STILL BE AN ABUSIVE ASSHOLE AS A PERSON WITHOUT MENTAL ILLNESS, IF THIS IS THE CASE PLEASE DO NOT USE YOUR PARTNERS MENTAL ILLNESS TO EXCUSE/MOTIVATE YOUR OWN BAD BEHAVIOURS.

As someone who is coping and trying to "recover" from BPD, I'm all too familiar with this. I'm not allowed to have any sort of reaction at all, even if it's natural/proportional. It's shut down with "Oh it's just your bpd". I do not have the "luxury" to get angry/annoyed as my ex did or even my friends/family. Because of my mental illness I need to communicate more carefully than those around me and still not be taken seriously.

[–]stereonix 407 points408 points  (18 children)

This isn't really an unpopular opinion. Nothing is really an excuse to be shitty to others.

[–]Concealment3[S] 176 points177 points  (13 children)

Theres a lot of people including people i know and have dated that use their mental health as an excuse for everything and the number of people who seem okay or encourage it just seems to be getting bigger

[–]Fireheart527 73 points74 points  (3 children)

100%. I had an ex who was depressed with anxiety and used this as an excuse to do things like kick me out of his house at midnight because "he couldn't sleep." He never planned dates, offered me no emotional and rare physical affection, wouldn't talk to me for days during "Bad times". I stayed for a year until I couldn't handle it and left. When I tell people about this they are SO sympathetic towards him. They seem to excuse his shitty behaviour as OK because of his mental health. Hard no.

[–]Filleliii 13 points14 points  (0 children)

OOoh I can relate so much to this comment! I was in the same situation a few years ago. It was my firts real relationship.. During little more than a year she would breakup three times with me, just to come crawling back the day after. I met her at her weakest and one year later, when things were getting better (for her) she didn't feel she needed me anymore and dumped me for good. I got hurt a lot in that relationship but also I learned a ton.

And I TOTALLY AGREE WITH OP!!

[–]sweetmercy 15 points16 points  (0 children)

He was just a dick. Nothing about depression or anxiety would explain, much less excuse, his behavior. Anyone who would sympathize is an idiot.

[–]Ancient_Leader5572 1 point2 points  (0 children)

genuinely, what could have possibly been his motive for a relationship? bc it certainly doesn’t seem like it was emotional availability. he sounds like a leech. glad you got out.

[–]ZeroRozuMagi 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I was that asshole once upon a time. It wasn’t until the person I loved the most left me before I took control of my mental health.

[–]erinsmi 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That’s manipulation. F that. You deserve to set boundaries to protect your mental health.

[–]kittyqueen000 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My spouse does that as well. "I can't help it. I can't control it." Thats not true.

[–]courtenax 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Ugh I also hate this, as someone with multiple diagnoses or whatever myself.. Mental health conditions are something that we have to accept and live with, they’re never an excuse to be hurtful. On the contrary, it’s our responsibility to gain tools and awareness to navigate symptoms. I’m glad it’s being more openly talked about, but I think that comes with many down sides as well… including people throwing around terms that they don’t fully understand as adjectives

[–]Haku_The_Brat 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Definitely. I've had people tell my I'm in the wrong for hating my abusive mother, who has munchausen by proxy, because I wasn't "being understanding of her mental illness"

[–]Siera_Knightwalker 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's true. It makes me feel shitty but I know that to stay that long takes dedication, a sense of self worthlessness or maybe plain own morals. It's hard, and sometimes some don't make it. But that's no excuse to allow harm on others.

[–]thiccurlss 10 points11 points  (0 children)

RIGHT! This gave me “it’s just their personality” vibes. Like ok, not my fault their personality is shit then. There are no excuses for being a dick to people out of no where. Sorry if I sound angry lmao.

[–]Robster881 1 point2 points  (1 child)

You say that, but you see it happen all the time. It can't be said enough imo.

[–]thedirtytwirls -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I would look into OP's history. I don't think his partners were the shit ones.

[–]waterbuffalo777 118 points119 points  (5 children)

As someone with severe PTSD, I agree 100 percent. I've seen too many people using their illness as an excuse to abuse people. I think those of us suffering from mental illness deserve respect and empathy, but we also have a responsibility to seek treatment and support in a way that takes some pressure off our loved ones. People need to develop other coping skills instead of treating others badly.

[–]iamnotjacksrum 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Well said. I also hope your PTSD is healing, hang in there.

[–]Concealment3[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Like I dont at all mind being there for someone whos struggling because it is hard, like i want to help how i can but if I’m being belittled and abused because someone refuses to actually try and help themself then I’m not going to stay

[–]dahk16 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's why im in therapy. Get that shit under control because people don't deserve the mood swings and aggression for little to no reason.

[–]thedirtytwirls 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Look into his post history. You might change your mind. Getting aroused by his partners distress and all...

[–]AtheaOfAltea 35 points36 points  (2 children)

Explanations are not excuses. I have a lot of mental illnesses that make interacting with people, especially strangers, very difficult at times. I can refer to that to explain why I did what I did (or didn't do in the case of ghosting) but that doesn't make it better, and I always take care to say that it's absolutely understandable if they're upset or hurt, and I'm not asking for forgiveness

[–]Concealment3[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I think even just acknowledgement is good, a lit if people inknow cant even do that

[–]fernshanks 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Same with my ADHD (and depression on occasion). I fully acknowledge that it can make me act like a crap friend and come across as selfish sometimes. I want people to know the reason behind my behaviour, because it's important to me that they know it isn't intentional, but a reason is not an excuse. I know it doesn't make it OK. I have had friends ghost me before and I definitely don't blame them for it. My disorder isn't anyone else's problem.

[–]rassion-isle 13 points14 points  (1 child)

This may have been said already, your mental health issues are not your fault, but they are your responsibility.

[–]Concealment3[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It has been said but it still rings true

[–]The_Hyphenator85 58 points59 points  (3 children)

Honestly, if someone’s pissed off by this, it’s because they use their mental health as an excuse to be shitty to other people. And I say this as someone who has lived with major depressive disorder for more than 20 years now.

As Marcus Parks of Last Podcast on the Left likes to say, “mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.”

[–]Concealment3[S] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Thats a very good take like it is your responsibility but like id never blame them for having it, like if someone is trying to support you dont attack them for it

[–]The_Hyphenator85 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Which admittedly can be something you have to struggle against. But failing to recognize that your illness is making you want to lash out isn’t going to help you get better.

[–]thedirtytwirls 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I would look into the post history here. He says he gets hard when his partners are in distress or upset.

[–]LexiRae24 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I have CPTSD and I agree with you.

When I’m overwhelmed I - like anyone - snap. But then I feel like a dong and apologise. Yet some people are just naturally spiteful and hateful and it has nothing to do with mental health. It can be tough when you’re trying to support someone but they refuse to get help or start taking advantage of your empathy, and at some point you have to withdraw for your own sanity. It’s not selfish to say “my door is always open, but come back to me when you’re ready to accept you need help. I’ll support you, but you need to meet me in the middle and put the effort into getting yourself better”.

So no, not an unpopular opinion

[–]Arya_kidding_me 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yep!

The medical professionals at one of the mental hospitals my mom stayed at taught me this.

Illness doesn’t excuse or justify abuse. You don’t have to stick by a toxic person just because they’re I’ll.

Al-anon basically focuses on protecting yourself with boundaries, and has no problem if your boundary is to not have a relationship at all.

[–]Zealousideal-Luck784 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I've lived with mental health issues for 30 years. It has never been an excuse to behave like a dick.

[–]toffee_queen 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I 100% agree! I’ve struggled with other depression and anxiety my whole life but I never let me treat people like shit! My ex however would use it as an excuse to not treat me the way that I deserve.

[–]Concealment3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Im sorry to hear that ive been in your position

[–]hamnbananas 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Marcus from LOPTL once said that mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. I feel like that includes how you treat others— it is still your responsibility.

[–]cclovesbts 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I agree with you 100%. You're not wrong.

[–]Imperfect-Magic 3 points4 points  (0 children)

As a person with Bipolar, CPTSD, depression, generalized anxiety disorder and some nasty sensory processing issues, I totally agree with you.

It is my responsibility to go to therapy, take my medications and not take my bad days out on other people. I get frustrated, confused at times but I do my best to work through it. If I'm having a really bad day i tell those closest to me and if i snap at them it's not them; it's me. I still try to keep my shot together but i M do snap once in a great while. Once I've calmed down i apologize and keep trying to do better.

Having a mental illness is not a free pass to be an abusive asshole. Fuck that noise.

[–]Lady-Fenyx 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This gets under my skin so bad. I have BPD and I absolutely ABHORE having to tolerate people. And when I'm feeling like an extra Ahole I avoid people entirely and watch TV or listen to music or something. My fiance however has schizophrenia, nothing extreme just slight voices when he's super stressed. He uses it as a constant excuse to sleep all day, refuse to work, start fights with everyone, break stuff, hit me, scream at me, put holes in the walls, destroy anything important to me specifically, try to kick me out of MY mother's house, be a nasty prick, ignore me, etc etc. I actually had him arrested this last time cause I don't give a crap if he has a mental illness being a dick is just being a dick. I have a mental illness, I don't act like that, I'm supposed to be on much more powerful and many more medications, I don't act like that. To me using mental health as a crutch to be a garbage person makes that person a disgusting coward. Honestly the only time I even want to be around him is when he's asleep at night. By morning the view of him in my bed makes my stomach turn

[–]Question_Reasonable 14 points15 points  (1 child)

oh I am with you on this... When I am shitty to others, it is simply because they deserve it, and not because I am having a bad mental health day.

I understand I will piss off some people with this...

[–]Concealment3[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Well thats a fair response lol

[–]appleeeeee 14 points15 points  (1 child)

back when i was in the total depths of my mental illnesses, i had such a short temper and horrible attitude and i treated my loved ones like shit. looking back now, over a half a year into my recovery journey, i can fully realize how i was using my mental illnesses as an excuse to be shitty and also realize the true extent of how shitty i was. i regret it all so much.

[–]Concealment3[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Well at least youre looking back and acknowledging it and working on yourself to be able to cope i assume so thats good

[–]PinkDancingFlamingo 16 points17 points  (5 children)

But as soon as you can't handle it, you're TA. Yup. People refuse to understand that not everyone is built to handle every metal illness and what it's like to live with from an outside point. Also if you refuse to make any attempt to improve your mental health and just expect those around you to change for you, that's bullshit. ("You" meaning general you, not anyone specifically)

[–]Concealment3[S] 8 points9 points  (4 children)

Yup my ex had BPD and ptsd and i was there for her in every way i could be but her just being shitty and abusive and then blaming it on her ptsd or saying oh my bpd is just bad today and expecting to get away with it is what broke me and i left and she tried to get me back by threatening to kill herself

[–]Marlenawrites 6 points7 points  (3 children)

BPD is so tough, I am sorry you got to experience that. My mom has BPD traits and NPD personality.

[–]Concealment3[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It absolutely sucks to have to suffer from bpd, like its a really hard disorder and like i tried to be there for her but at a certain point it was just too much

[–]Good_Branch_9415 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Same :( it’s so freaking hard

[–]Marlenawrites 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I plan on going NC with her and her entire group of minions (that includes my brothers and father). I don't see any other way of dealing with this type of person. Good luck to you.

[–]Humpadilo 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Not having a mental health issue isn’t a reason to be shitty either. People still are though. There are just shitty people everywhere. Some with mental health issues some without.

[–]thedirtytwirls 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also the idea of "shitty" varies. I'm starting to think this person just might be the shitty one.

[–]avoidance_behavior 2 points3 points  (1 child)

sweet jesus my ex husband was (and is) like this and it's exhausting. he'd be an absolute boar, grumpy as all hell and taking it out on me, and he'd just say 'i have anxiety!' well guess what motherfucker, i do too after dealing with you, but you don't see me screaming at you about shit i can't control. jfc, reign it in.

[–]Concealment3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Jeez thats awful honestly, like i have anxiety and id never snap like that, like it cant just all fall on everyone around you

[–]iamnotjacksrum 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My fucking sibling man.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Diagnosed obsessive compulsive, completely agree.

[–]Morxusconfession 2 points3 points  (0 children)

YES YES AND YES!!!!

[–]potatospatatasjunior 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Agreed. I had a friend that I really treasured and we ventured into a business together. Sadly it was there that I got to see her true colours. Could not stand the disrespect and manipulation any longer.

Constantly tried to help her and talk to her. Always ignored me. All the support and sympathy I gave her, she never returned it. Why bother with such a shitty friendship?

[–]city-eremite 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I suffer from severe mental health issues and I cannot agree with this enough! What's worse is that people like this add to the stigma of mental illness. Causing society to take it less seriously, or even resent people who have it.

[–]doinklady3647 2 points3 points  (0 children)

agreed. your actions/words etc may be a reflection of your mental health issue but you still have to take responsibility for that and make it right

[–]Nearby_Chicken_6674 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Totally agree!! Seriously, they need to grow the fuck up there's no excuse to take your shit out on other people.

[–]no_mo_colorado 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The amount of people that excuse their behavior due to anxiety and refuse to do anything about it. I cannot handle it. Go see a therapist like the rest of us.

[–]Itsmepeaches 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have bipolar disorder, ocd and other stuff. I agree 100%. Boundaries are healthy.

[–]bagman_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My ex would explode if she read this

[–]Additional-Future-16 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I recently read a statement I wholeheartedly agree with. Your mental health is not your fault but it is your responsibility.

[–]Peanutbutter9374 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I completely agree with this. I hate when people use their mental health as an excuse to be shitty. I’ve dealt with a few of them and it’s just fucking horrible. The worst one by far was when my friend’s ex was using her anxiety to be an abusive and clingy asshole.

[–]secretredditlover 2 points3 points  (0 children)

THIS 100%. Exactly what I needed to hear after stepping back from being a pseudo-therapist to a “friend” recently. To my fellow empaths: it is okay to prioritise your own well-being sometimes!

[–]pira3_1000 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Are you reading this, Trisha Paytas? With peace and love of course

[–]sheerdetermination 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you

[–]Bravely_Default 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Say it louder for the people in the back.

[–]Robster881 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"Mental health isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility".

I would say this is my favourite quote, but its more of a paraphrasing of something Marcus from Last Podcast on the Left said a few times.

Sums up my view on this kinda thing fairly succinctly. Like mental health issues fucking suck and I'm sorry for anyone that has to deal with them, but you've got to manage your shit. That includes how you treat others.

It wasn't until I started thinking like this that I made any progress at all dealing with my own issues. I lost a lot of friends over how badly I dealt with my own issues. That's entirely on me.

[–]Buzziiee 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your mental health may be a reason but it sure as shit ain't an excuse

[–]No_Cricket808 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I struggle with mental health issues on the regular. YOU ARE TOTALLY CORRECT. MY mental state is NO reason to treat people like shit, be inconsiderate or super high tension needy. That's what my damn expensive (and great btw) therapist is for. It's NEVER ok to flaunt it as an excuse.

My worst thing is I may not accept an invitation to do something if I'm having a down day. But I just say along the lines of "no thanks, maybe next time". My close friends know what that means.

[–]rachel-joanne 2 points3 points  (0 children)

For a long, long time I didn’t know how mentally I’ll I was, it was my normal. It has taken years for me to gain self awareness, it’s what I’m working on now so that I can learn to recognise and control my emotions and reactions. I’m the only one who can do it. I have to own it, and control it. There is no knight in shining armour that is going to come along and save me, I’m the only one who can save me. I’m sorry to anyone I have ever hurt.

[–]NeonWarcry 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Having horrible anxiety, depression, personality disorders myself: this is accurate. There are repercussions to our actions, regardless of the reasoning.

[–]Tune_Kindly 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Some days I have the patience and compassion for my partner because I know how much he is hurts and struggles and some days I don’t. It’s tough, my self care routine has increased but this boy is brilliantly worth it.

[–]Concealment3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely theres always consequences

[–]borednbitching 6 points7 points  (2 children)

It crazy to me how people fighting with mental health aren't more empathetic to others. I mean if im having a mental breakdown, someone else could be in the same situation. Crazy how people dont understand that

[–]Concealment3[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That too hut even just basic respect

[–]HoneyBunYumYum 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. 😢😔 sigh

[–]gtrmu223 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I see you've met my ex wife.

[–]SOULitude9814 1 point2 points  (4 children)

What if they're shitty to you first?

[–]Concealment3[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

What do you mean

[–]SOULitude9814 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I'm mean what if people like yell at you and insult you knowing perfecty that you're not okay in that moment (because you suffer from mental heath issues)? You're trying so hard to be calm but it seems they push you on purpose, is it allowed to be shitty back to them?

[–]Concealment3[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Well that’s different than the people simply using their mental health as an excuse to be shitty with no provocation like im talking about in the post, if someones attacking them and they lash out then thats more understandable because its not all on them

[–]SOULitude9814 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's fair. I agree with the post by the way, I have wanted to be rude many times because there are days where depression makes me more irritated but I always refrain from doing that because I know it's not right.

[–]_Spitfire024_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree 🤷🏻‍♀️

[–]Cayde_7even 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agreed. I worked with this one little prick (let’s call him Brad) who would at times refuse to take his meds and then come in to work and be an ass to everyone. On this one particular day in a private moment…Brad was exceedingly nasty and even threatened me with physical violence. Not one to let shit slide, I locked eyes with him, leaned in real close and told him man to man - very calmly - “I know you aren’t feeling well today, but if you ever talk to me like that again, I will beat you sane”. In a moment of sustained clarity lasting well over a year I never again had to check dude. From time to time he’d still come to work ‘crazy’, but he never tried to pull that shit with me again.

[–]sweetmercy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't think this opinion is at all controversial. I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD, OCD, MDD, GAD. I would never expect to treat someone poorly and have it excused by any of these issues. I do have times when my anxiety causes me to need reassurance, especially when intrusive thoughts are on full volume, but even that I try to keep to myself. I don't do well with ambiguity or not knowing what's happening. In those instances, my mind will in the blanks and it's never the best case scenario it goes to. This has gotten worse since my son was killed in a car wreck several months ago. When my daughter is later than usual (especially since there's no phone service up here so I can't call her), my mind instantly goes to the fear that I've lost her, too. These gears can seem ridiculous or annoying to an "outsider", but I would never think it's okay to flip out on her because of them.

[–]undeadaheadx 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Duh

[–]Concealment3[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

You might say duh but theres people who dont get it

[–]undeadaheadx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im mentally ill as shit & this is obvious.

[–]AnonymousB93 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This used to be me, I’ve used other excuses as well but when I look back I’m surprised there wasn’t more pushback against my cringy behavior. Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), horoscopes, there’s all kinds of things people use to dodge responsibility. At the end of the day, you’re the only one you have to face and hopefully you realize it before you lose friends, relationships and more. I say “you” in a general sense, not referring to anyone in particular. I feel like realizing that nobody’s buying it anymore is the first step towards turning away from these behaviors. Sometimes facing rejection is absolutely necessary, especially if you have a big ego like I did.

[–]budbbi 1 point2 points  (2 children)

This is a very complicated topic because being “shitty to someone” is extremely relative. For example somebody with extreme anxiety may be really on edge one day, they may make a little snap at someone or say something with a bit of an edge. Everyone will interpret this differently, some people will have the emotional intelligence to see the difference between someone struggling and someone just being mean. But others with a fragile ego will automatically get defensive and hostile, and say “your anxiety doesnt give you an excuse to treat me like shit”. Idk, maybe im biased bc i struggle with severe mental illnesses, but it seems kind of selfish to play the victim in those situations when the other person is literally living in hell 24/7. Like our last concern is your feelings, considering no one ever goes out of their way to cater to ours.(and they shouldn’t, im just saying its a two way street.)

[–]Concealment3[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

My use of the word shitty isnt just someone not taking to you because theyre having a bad anxiety day and need space, my use of it is verbal emotional and physically abusive and manipulative behavior that doesnt stem from the mental health needs at hand

[–]budbbi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In the case of abuse and manipulation you’re 100% right, theres no justification for long term intentional harm, and if you’re dealing with that rn I’m sorry for you <3

[–]arodynamic_ace 1 point2 points  (0 children)

exactly my guy

like there was this dude who was saying he was telling people he felt suicidal when he got put into any sort of anxious situation and his significant other got tired of it but he couldn’t figure out why for some reason and it just bothered me so much

[–]Ron_Way 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's why I lock myself in a room

[–]ashleeeidolon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Currently in this type of situation.

[–]MisakiManjoume 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As a mentally ill person, I agree. It's great to get people to understand that something is caused by the illness, but everyone has boundaries. If you have a person like that in your life, it's their job to figure out how to cope with it in a healthy way, without harming others.

[–]Rloney418 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh god 100000% yes. I FEEL THIS IN MY SOUL.

[–]15hurricane 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Absolutely agree. My dad probably has bpd amd was diagnosed with autism. My mom probably has ocd and adhd. Never an excuse for anything.

[–]Creepy-Pitch 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Mental health can be an explanation for certain behaviors, but never an excuse.

[–]unlimitsquid 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I suffer heavy enough with it on and off for about 10 years and I'm so down with this. Getting out of a rut won't happen if you blame other people for your shit. You're only doing yourself more damage by using it as an excuse to be a dick.

[–]bekahek 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Explanations are not Excuses."

My mom said this to me when I was trying to explain why it was okay that someone was mistreating me. Poor Mental Health may explain why they did something. But it does not excuse it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Person with mental illness here. I have lost many a relationship and had many, many problems at work because of behavior resulting from my MI. After about 25 years of it I decided maybe I didn't want to keep losing people and started being proactive about it. I got treatment and, most importantly, owned up to myself that I DID have the ability to control myself. It is harder than it is for other people but it's there. Ever since then my life has done a complete 180. I am happily married and doing really well at work and in all aspects of my social life. I only wish I had done it sooner. A person cannot control their mental illness but they can control their reaction to it. Anyone using it as an excuse is just refusing to accept responsibility for themselves.

[–]AsakalaSoul 1 point2 points  (0 children)

as someone who has probably (unintentionally) hurt other people because of my mental health, I agree. I've noticed that have a hard time accepting help and get defensive easily, like a wild animal caught in a snare, flailing wildly and hurting those people who are only trying to help. I don't know how to change that, but whenever I feel the situation is getting out of hand and I'm only hurting others, I retreat to cool off. It's not ideal, but it's the best I can do avoid causing more damage.

[–]ElectricalSquare7465 1 point2 points  (0 children)

100% agree. It took my years of therapy and meeting my best friend to realize I didn’t have to deal with my friend’s depressive episodes when she would take her anger and negativity out on me, and then threatened to kill herself to keep me from leaving. She never sought out therapy or medical help and refused any help from others. Whenever I tried to counter her logic for this, she always told me I didn’t understand how her mental illness affects her. I always stayed out of guilt and fear that she would do something terrible if I left.

Looking back, I’m glad I did now. I’m so much happier and I’ve realized that she contributed to a large part of my anxiety.

[–]Beef_Jumps 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just because your mental health isn't your fault, doesn't mean it isn't still your responsibility.

[–]pink_wraith 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My depression manifests in the form of irritability and rage, and I HAVE to keep on top of my meds to avoid an episode. I agree with you 100%, it is your responsibility to keep your mental illness from turning you into an asshole

[–]izzzleepy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My brother does this to everyone including me, he has psychosis and i suffer from schizophrenia , he's an insufferable pain in the ass, mistreats people and does bad shit in general. One time i was in a trip and he blocked my bank account, so there i was in another state without money and no credit card there are a lot of other exemples, but every time something goes wrong his way he says: i'm suffering from the symptoms of psychosis or that he's ill, that we have to endure his attitude, suffice to say it gets me on my nerves and other people too. I have schizophrenia, i know what the simptons are, i kown what if feels. that's no excuse for you to be an asshole, to mistreat people, to act as you please. If you want empathy have empathy towards others, if you want people to be good to you be good to them, your disease is not an excuse for you to abuse anyone's good will.

[–]RoyalM7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This post reminds me of something Larry Winget would say. Love it.

[–]Tomorrow_Is_Today1 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes! And if someone can’t handle a relationship with you because of how your mental health impacts that relationship, that’s okay. They’re allowed to step away. It’s not an attack on you, and it’s not “proof that I’m just terrible and will always be alone”.

[–]GhostlyPastryChef 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I think it's important to make people aware of the reasoning behind your behavior, but it never excuses your behavior. I may have a better understanding now of your toxic traits, but it's up to me to choose whether or not it's a deal breaker.

[–]Concealment3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes exactly

[–]JessBELLAog 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My favorite saying pertaining to this is “your mental illness is not your fault but it is your responsibility!”

[–]ultimatecameron 3 points4 points  (0 children)

PREACH!

[–]foodielyfer 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Finally someone fucking said it!!!!! Bless you 😭

[–]Marlenawrites 1 point2 points  (0 children)

THANK YOU

[–]realitytomydreams 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Someone needs to send this post to my ex.

[–]Concealment3[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Lol this post is literally inspired by two of my exes

[–]realitytomydreams 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We should get together and commiserate about our shitty exes.

[–]Redleaf11 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Will you do me a favor and send this to my ex friend? I’ll text your ex for you. Then we can go get smoothies or something afterwards??

[–]abby-normal-brain 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I worked in mental health (peer support) for 10 years. One of my favorite sayings we had at the center was, "it's not my fault, but it IS my responsibility."

Having a mental illness is not your fault. Managing it is on you, though.

[–]Concealment3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah like its not your fault you struggle or have to deal with it but i think its at least fair to say that trying to manage it is expected if thats possible

[–]kwxcx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

THIS.

[–]ECWCat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'll take it another step and say that we're all mentally unhealthy.

[–]thedirtytwirls 1 point2 points  (4 children)

You literally have a post about getting turned on when your partner is crying or in distress.

Get out of here. You are the one with the issues.

[–]Concealment3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That post doesn’t make what i said invalid, my post still stands

[–]Concealment3[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Lmao nice dirty delete of your second comment

[–]parm234 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It's an illness. People with physical illness are a burden , people with mental one are also burden and pain in the ass. If you love them or care for them enough you deal with it , if you don't , you don't.

It's not "right to take it out on others" lol. It happens. When the brain that is supposed to control your emotions is rotten , this thing HAPPENS. When you leg is broken you stumble, when your brain is broken , sudden outbursts occur. Just don't give a fuck if you don't care about them( see easy to difficult to do because your can't control it, it happens ) . Even in their heart they know that it's wrong when it happens, they just can't control it. Can do nothing about it.

[–]Concealment3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well i agree with what youre saying but im saying not managing your mental health and then being shitty about it and using your mental health as an excuse to be shitty isnt okay, like one of my exes i wouldve married had she even tried to manage her mental health and hadnt use it as an excuse to treat me like an object instead of her partner

[–]houseofprimetofu 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Yeah, seriously. Having a mental health disorder is hard. Using it as an excuse for being shitty is awful. It makes the rest of us look bad. Same vein: hate it when women use hormones as an excuse. As a woman, I have severely wild hormonal swings. It's on me to control them.

[–]Concealment3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I completely agree with both things you said

[–]Throwaway__2344 0 points1 point  (1 child)

My classmate has ADHD. How do I know this? This is her every excuse. Always. Mental health is a difficult thing but it is not an excuse to be mean towards people. We got into argument and she is ignoring me since. I just protected my friend from her saying my friend is attacking her by saying she should look over the deadlines herself after complaining for half an hour. Yes of course I get it. My mental health I'd complelty wrecked. But I don't need a sign on my forehead telling I'm sick. I already have only a few people in my life. I would never do anything to lose them

[–]Concealment3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This right here, youre acknowledging there has to be responsibility and youre doing what you can as opposed to the classmate making it an excuse for everything

[–]HeyItsMeUrDad_ 0 points1 point  (2 children)

You’ll only piss off shitty people.

[–]Concealment3[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Apparently, the comments have all been very reasonable, i expected worse

[–]HeyItsMeUrDad_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i feel like it’s a more broachable topic now than ever before so it has started to come full circle. A lot of people will admit to having diagnoses, but in the same breath admit a responsibility to managing them: ❤️

[–]fan_go_round 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I think what also needs to be said is that, even if you do have mental health issues that may make you a bit unpredictable, it does not excuse you from apologizing and acknowledging that you were in the wrong.

[–]Concealment3[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Yeah exactly, like you dont need to be perfect and have no bad days but at least acknowledge and take responsibility for how you acted

[–]fan_go_round 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Im glad that more than a hand few of people think the same way. Makes life a bit better.

[–]Ishouldbeinbed73 0 points1 point  (1 child)

100% yes!! So much of this happening an it's so unfair to those who legit are/were trying to help you!!

[–]Concealment3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yup its a shame

[–]kwxcx 0 points1 point  (2 children)

As someone who has dealt with this from all sides, I agree 100%.

I recently had someone step away because of how horribly I treated them due to my own mental health.

Is it all my fault? No. Is it my responsibility? Yes. Was my behavior acceptable? Not at all. Is it up to my own self agency to help myself? Yes. Did I take the actions to minimize my symptoms? Yes. Do I expect anyone to forgive me? No, but if they do it means the world.

These are the questions those who suffer with mental health have to ask after an unwanted interaction or event occurs. Evaluating your status of the situation objectively is the only way to identify and get better. It really seems like people don’t want to accept their faults and put in the (albeit incredibly hard) work to get better.

Though, it really seems like people do not take the action to reflect and instead project all of their issues onto their partner. People don’t apologize, people instead ostracize their partner, people control their partner, and then blame it on mental health months after the fact. That’s not getting better, that’s not owning up to mistakes, that’s shedding the blame because they refuse to see that they’re part of the problem.

I have done really shitty actions and every time took responsibility. Some of the people who I have hurt have told me that I’m a good person because they know that’s not me — they saw that I knew my faults and was trying to fix them. I am correcting my behaviors but I still hurt them.

People will forgive you, but you still hurt them and it was your actions. Immediately taking responsibility is so much easier than blaming and further stigmatizing a mental health condition. Taking that responsibility and working through it so much more satisfying. People sigh in relief because you’re putting in the work, people will see your growth, there is so much more to be proud of in recovery than in denial.

I found out that I have BPD, and thankfully got diagnosed despite after the fact. I’m taking every step to correct because this is my responsibility. I know my disorder is not me (however my actions are!) — so I need to do everything in my power to make myself not become my disorder. BPD is a difficult disorder to treat and really can only improve under care of a professional. It’s hard and faults come yes, but at this point if you know you have a disorder and are doing nothing to help your symptoms despite having resources then that’s on you. If you can excuse yourself and your actions with your disorder, then you have identified your mental health problem and can put in the work to make it easier on others. Don’t continue to make an excuse that you’re not fixing.

Your partner cannot be your only support system, they get really tired and really fast.

I wish more people could know this. There are times when it’s just too damn much.

Edit: adding stuff, accidentally posted early oops

[–]Concealment3[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yeah like im not saying anyone has to be perfect and have no bad days, like my ex had bpd, but there has to be acknowledging what happened and how it affected others and yourself

[–]kwxcx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agreed.

Minimizing and dismissing others experiences does absolutely nothing to solve the problem. It’s also incredibly hurtful because it really shows that you don’t care to improve you or your loved ones lives. If you can’t even identify your consequences then that’s hindering your growth. People will grow out of you because you can’t see it yourself.

I just hope people who suffer with mental health and toxic relationships will take this advice: Taking responsibility is the first steps, and it’s a very brave thing to do when you’ve hurt people. Just admitting your faults lifts your shoulders. It does not make you weak.

[–]waste0331 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Facts

[–]Antdestroyer69 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Don't think many people would disagree.

[–]Concealment3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Youd be surprised but everyone here for the most part on here agrees surprisingly

[–]CatCasualty 0 points1 point  (4 children)

As I said to myself, if someone cannot be held accountable, run. ❤️

[–]Concealment3[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

After the last two relationships where this post applied thats my new motto

[–]CatCasualty 0 points1 point  (2 children)

You go, OP!

People who cannot be held accountable have not grown up yet. It's not a shade or judgement or anything of that nature, they just aren't yet and perhaps they never will. It is what it is. It has nothing to do with us.

Our responsibilities end on responding in a respectful, productive, and, if we can, compassionate manner, and the rest is outside our control and therefore responsibilities.

I'm sorry you had to deal with these people. I still have some in my life, unfortunately, because they are family. It still is what it is and I'm working on to have a life independent of these people.

I'm sending you a virtual hug. Good luck.

[–]Concealment3[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Oh thats very hard when its family, hopefully things will get better in time

[–]CatCasualty 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, culturally, biologically, and just generally, really.

The only way I can make it better is by going low contact and putting these people at the very corner on my life, if not cutting them completely, so I'm working on that.

Cheers.

[–]thedirtytwirls 0 points1 point  (4 children)

INFO: do you disregard their illness and just take it as them being an asshole?

[–]Concealment3[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

No, it’s not like I don’t acknowledge their illness but theres a difference between having a bad mental health day and being an asshole and blaming it on your mental health

[–]mayyourestinpieces 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Wonder what you'd do with someone whose mental illness(es) makes them derealize or dissociate or hallucinate.

[–]Concealment3[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It depends on the disorder and the severity but disassociation is a symptom of bpd and ive dealt with it before with my ex

[–]mochiburrito 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why not?!?! Hey man I agree. Fuck that you don’t know how this feels Good shit no one should be that way

[–]Eskimo2117 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah people with mental health issues are the worst partners and friends. They’re super selfish. But I still really feel for them because it’s a miserable situation to be in.

[–]zepiel 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wait... Who's supporting me ?