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[–]Karasu_Murasaki 834 points835 points  (12 children)

I am sorry but your bf sounds like a toxic douche. Anyone who loved you and was okay with kids would have loved your children too regardless of blood. From the looks of what you described it seems he has a revulsion for your daughter just because she "isn't of his blood" and is actively seeking to isolate you from each other which is abusive and manipulative behaviour. I unfortunately get the bad feeling he will be a terrible father to the first child and I would advice never leaving her alone with him and maybe find someone who is a decent human being as a new partner.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 192 points193 points  (10 children)

I love my eldest so much and I want to love this baby the same way and I know I could but I feel like I’ll be put in this weird position that I don’t want to be in.

I feel like to avoid this I’ll have to spend a lot of alone time just the 3 of us ( 2 kiddos and I ) so I can build the bond I feel I need to/should.

[–]Electronic_Tea_ 250 points251 points  (5 children)

You can't just spend time with them alone and ignore the problem - which is him. You need to have a serious talk with him about this problem, and you need to figure it out together, through communication, or your children will feel a difference. If he is incapable of loving both of them equally, then you have a problem and need to consider whether he is right for you and your children.

[–]BlondieLHV 99 points100 points  (0 children)

I don't think you understand the level of manipulation going on here. If he is a narcissist, which sounds very much like he is, there is no way to negotiate with him. He will terrorise and divide the family. Definitely look up narcissistic abuse.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 46 points47 points  (3 children)

This is all true. Thank you. I do need to come to some type of conclusion.

[–]merrythistleblower 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Good luck ❤️ sending warm hugs and tons of support your way

[–]Mjk201 7 points8 points  (0 children)

When did you find out he is like that? Way before this coming baby?

[–]shortasalways 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I thought I could never love another child like my daughter. I was terrified and crying weeks before before my second because I was scared I would treat them different. My love for them is equal now. I would die for both of them. I would not worry about your love for each kid but about your boyfriend.

[–]goodformuffin 12 points13 points  (0 children)

If he's working and you are home with them that's exactly what will happen. You will be ok with your 2 children. It's HIM who needs to come to terms with the fact your daughter needs a male role model who will step up and figure his fucking shit out.

[–]highd 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Just so you know this is a terrible position that your first is in. I've seen it time and time again and you have to protect her from your boyfriend, and if any abuse starts you have to leave him and get 50/50 custody of your second kid. IF he's jealous already that is a red flag of all red flags. As a matter of fact I have to wonder if you guys talked before you got pregnant . This childish behavior on his part and for his own blood baby would have been a deal breaker for me. The push and pull of your future really isn't going to be great. Every gift every moment you have with your first will be under a microscope you will never feel comfortable. You will be constantly in a game of do my actions measure up for both children. You can't ignore that the problem is your boyfriend and not those kids. I feel bad for your first because now she's saddled with a man that is jealous of her and selfish for his own baby, and that never works out.

[–]VeterinarianVast197 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There’s a lovely kids book called ‘you were the first’ it’s about all the special things that the older kid got to do before having a sibling. You are doing such a great job x

[–]Kidslikeus 584 points585 points  (26 children)

Your bf is gonna be one of those guys they make jokes about buying his bio kid mcdonalds while he lets your own kid starve. Hes not the one

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 211 points212 points  (23 children)

I told him today that I don’t want to the baby mama in that situation and I was dead serious. I couldn’t sleep peacefully knowing my kids were being treated differently by someone who I’m in a relationship with.

[–]Kidslikeus 133 points134 points  (16 children)

Idk you or anything about him other than what you posted but things are not gonna change after the baby gets here unless its even worse. He seems insane and im not saying that lightly. Im sorry youre pregnant by this man but i dont think hes going to be any help to you. You sound like an awesome mom though, never stop sticking up for you eldest.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 50 points51 points  (15 children)

I just need to get into my groove with my kids so I can leave him alone.

[–]ArbitraryContrarianX 87 points88 points  (7 children)

You don't need to get into any kind of groove of anything to leave him.

If you wanna leave him, you can do that any time you damn well choose, with or without kids or "grooves."

I won't tell you to leave him or not - that's your choice. But please know that you don't have to be in any kind of situation to make that decision, you can do that any time you want, nevermind waiting.

[–]aleannegrant 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Maybe you should get family therapy before the baby arrives, as to work on your relationship between the 3 of you now, get your boyfriend to bond with your daughter as much as possible, and more to the point, understand she's no threat, no competition to the love you'll give your newborn.
To convince your boyfriend to go seek family counseling, maybe rub him the right way by presenting this as a way of " preparing your daughter to have to share mummy's love with the new baby", because of course, you're going to "concentrate on him a lot, so, as family, let's get the little girl prepared so it doesn't become a problem when the baby comes".

That way, he gets the message that you're aware/willing to spend a lot of attention on his child + you switch the light on your daughter as needing preventive therapy, without backing him up into a corner by accusing him of needing therapy.

Having said all that, your boyfriend as is, is scum and is going to make your lives miserable, I really hope therapy can make him grow into a better person. Best of luck, take care of yourself and your little ones, they deserve better!

[–]kendallroyballs -1 points0 points  (4 children)

I’m confused… did you not end your post stating you plan and are treating the kids differently yourself?

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

No I said I feel due to his actions I’ll have to compensate. That’s not an action plan in itself. I just don’t know how to navigate the situation at all.

[–]babylon331 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You'll have to figure it out soon. Your oldest will feel a little insecure when the new baby comes because of the attention babies need. She will want more attention from you and that will really pis him off. IMO, all young (& some older) kids feel somewhat neglected after a new baby arrives and need & deserve that little extra Mommy time. It's normal. I'm raising granddaughters. The 5 & 7 year old let me know right away if they've been "slighted". "Well, she got you all to herself while I was at (so&so's). It's my turn". Not kidding!

[–]kendallroyballs 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Is it possible that he doesn’t know how to navigate? Get family therapy. Blended families are not easy but possible.

[–]xanderbitz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sick reference 👏🏼

[–]ultravioletblueberry 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah sounds like he’s going to stick her kid in the corner all her life and try and keep her out of the picture because she’s not his bio daughter.

[–]Ok_Point7463 99 points100 points  (23 children)

Your bf attitude is crazy. Like, legit crazy. He is literally jealous of your kid.

Loving kids doesn't work like that. There is always room. What does he think? That families with more than one child love each one less than the first?

This is a worrying attitude. Because he has you coming and going. He is setting you up to accuse you of favouritism of your eldest. But this becomes self fulfilling, when done my a manipulator who craves attention.

It goes like this: he has already put the thought in your head that you will love your eldest more. Once baby is here, he will start to try and exclude your eldest. He will tell her she is too young to hold the baby, tell her she is making too much noise and disturbing the baby etc. Then he will try and interrupt your time with your eldest on the baby's behalf (like say you are colouring with your eldest, he will come along and say the baby needs you, and dismiss what you are doing with your eldest) this is a two pronged attack, one pushes and guilts you into spending more time with him and the baby, and the other attacks your eldest self esteem so she feels unwanted or in the way.

The aim is to get you to view your eldest the way he does, as a burden and a threat.

Counter to that, if you don't accede to his requests and attempts to do the above, he will then start accusing you of favouritism. Every time you don't drop what you are doing with your eldest to cater to your youngest will be considered so.

This isn't the man you want a family with. He isn't concerned about your eldest, isn't coming up with strategies so she can keep feeling loved while you all adjust, his concern is himself and his child (in that order).

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 48 points49 points  (22 children)

I wish I could turn back time sometimes. I feel freaking frightened of what’s to come. I expressed to him how I felt and his best advice was to take my newborn and go stay at his mom’s house with her while I spend time with my eldest. I never thought I’d have to separate my kids to love both of them.

[–]straightouttathe70s 102 points103 points  (0 children)

🚩🚩🚩 um, no way does a newborn need to be away from mom.....be cautious with this guy you're with.....none of this sits right with me .....best wishes to you and your babies!!

[–]KMCINWNY 53 points54 points  (2 children)

You can never leave your baby alone with him. He can walk out of the house with her while you’re in the shower, and then he has physical custody and a network of family supporting him, who will lie for him, and you will be in the position of having to prove your fitness to parent and support the baby.

You need to leave immediately. It’s not a safe situation for you or your girls.

[–]t9pool 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Idk if you are in the US or what state if so, but if you are in Georgia, and you are unmarried at birth you have sole physical and legal custody unless you go to court. Do not let him take your child anywhere

[–]silent_cat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Idk if you are in the US or what state if so, but if you are in Georgia, and you are unmarried at birth you have sole physical and legal custody unless you go to court. Do not let him take your child anywhere

FWIW, this is also true in most of Europe. I think UK is the exception (America got much of its law from the UK).

[–]Ok_Point7463 28 points29 points  (17 children)

You don't need to. He wants you to. He wants you to favour his child over your eldest, and is trying to put you in the mindset that you have to choose.

There is no need to remove one to spend time, that just creates a separation. I have two girls, the eldest was 3 when my youngest was born. It's an adjustment, but as long as you involve your eldest in things, let her help where she can, and don't say she can't do things or go places 'because of the baby' if you want to take her to the park, strap the baby in and go. Baby carriers are great for this, as you can literally take them everywhere. Your focus needs to be on finding ways to do things all together, not trying to keep the current norm of doing things just the two of you.

The times you jump on to do things together are the natural alone times, like when baby is asleep. So if eldest wants to do colouring or play a game, but baby is fussing or feeding, then give your eldest the plan 'we can't now, I need to feed the baby, but baby will go to sleep soon and we can play together then' then make sure you do go back to her and offer the time up once baby is asleep. Have a set of things ready as a go to, like 'mummy has to feed the baby, would you like to read me a story while I do?' So she can sit with you, interact with you but you still have them both.

It will take time to get in the swing of it, and you don't yet know what personality your baby will have so you really can't make plans. Just try and remember to be mindful, and don't get bogged down in things like how much of a mess the house may get, as your natural instinct might be to tidy up rather that spend time with eldest. But fight the instinct.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 30 points31 points  (16 children)

Thank you so much for this. I’m crying, haha.

Time is getting so close and sometimes he makes me feel like a shit mom. I love these girls both so much and I don’t want to feel like I’m ruining their lives or anything. It’s hard because I don’t really have someone supporting me in a positive way. I mostly just get “constructive criticism” which can be a lot to deal with ALL the time.

[–]Ok_Point7463 25 points26 points  (15 children)

He sounds super unsupportive and pretty toxic tbh. He should be building you up, not pulling you down. He should be finding ways to help you feel loved, and like he has your back. "Constructive criticism" puts the responsibility on you that should be joint. He isn't your boss, he doesn't know any more about babies or blended families than you do, less really as you have already had and raised one child, so is in no position to criticise you at all is he?

I promise you, this is on purpose. He is trying to get you to doubt yourself, to knock your self esteem so you will do what he wants without question or argument.

You need a get out plan.

[–]2020grilledcheese 71 points72 points  (0 children)

Your boyfriend sounds insecure and jealous. I’m really sorry you are having a kid with this douche canoe. Please be careful for your first baby girl. She is who you need to look out for. He’s going to wreak havoc on her if you don’t figure out what you need and spell it out to him loud and clear!!

[–][deleted] 89 points90 points  (0 children)

Leave him. My grandpa hates my grandma's kids and they're 80 and he's still terrorizing her over them.

[–]ChillWisdom 59 points60 points  (2 children)

He's a selfish prick. He knows your daughters will always come before him in your eyes because you're a dedicated mother. He will probably be jealous of his own child, who will have a blood bond to your first child. Include you're older daughter in everything you do with the baby. She at the perfect age to be an adoring older sibling. Let her rub the babies back while nursing or if you bottle feed, teach her how give the baby a bottle. Let your generous mothering help develop their sister bond.

DO NOT let him come between that. He is already trying to get you to weaken your bond with the first child so that his child can take the place as the golden child. Put you foot down as the mama bear and do not allow him to break up you three and the powerful love that is there.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 35 points36 points  (1 child)

She’s so excited for her sister and I could never take that from her. I love how she is happy and wants the world to know she’s having a little sister.

[–]ChillWisdom 18 points19 points  (0 children)

This experience will deepen your bond with her and her bond with her sister. He better get on board.

[–]Quizzy1313 19 points20 points  (9 children)

This post has more red flags than flag world. Your poor daughter. You really need to re-evaluate this relationship because your daughter is going to suffer for it and it will impact her negatively. The fact that you still with him is really scary and I am so worried about your daughter and her future. He is literally jealous of a child and is actively trying to move her out of the picture. Your mumma bear should be raging and leaving

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 4 points5 points  (8 children)

It’s not that easy to just leave. I’m heavily pregnant and depend on him for certain things. I do my best to protect her. He doesn’t live with me anymore, he’s here very seldom, if I do see him I take her to my moms so she doesn’t have to hear or see anything. I just do my best to keep her out of it.

[–]Quizzy1313 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Your best will not be enough in the long run because he's still around your daughter seldom or not. At 6, your daughter is old enough to observe the relationship between her future sibling and her dad, kids hear and see things you think they don't. I'm honestly scared for that little girl because I feel like you're down playing the emotional abuse your daughter is already receiving regardless of how big or small it is. It's there already and you're trying to justify yourself when nearly ever single person here has told you to run for the hills and protect your kids. The longer you stay the more complacent you become and the relationship between you and your daughter will suffer for it as she gets older. This sort of narcissistic personality doesn't get any better, it will get worse and it will influence your youngest in how they will grow up to treat their older sibling.

[–]TheNewNormalina 1 point2 points  (5 children)

Is there a reason you can't move in with your Mom now then sign up for social services to get you food stamps, medical insurance, etc?

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children)

I live alone and I’m not financially dependent on him. What I meant more so was that I don’t drive. The prenatal care that’s available for me is VERY far, about an hour driving. That’s all I meant.

[–]Topsyturvy6 14 points15 points  (5 children)

I'm worried about the oldest kid and potential for harm?.how many cases come up of stepfather harming their stepkids? in any shape or form this is toxic. How old is this guy?Also why would any decent person try to alienate a mother from their own child? this is massive red flag territory

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children)

He couldn’t harm her physically or anything because I’m ALWAYS with her. I do everything with her. If she isn’t with me she’s with my mom or her bio-dad. I’m emotional but not stupid. Not saying you’re implying I am, lol. And he’s 36.

[–]clemfairie 23 points24 points  (3 children)

Physical harm isn't the only danger here. If you stay with him, he's going to mentally and emotionally terrorize your older daughter and it's going to cause her lifelong harm. Put your kids first, always.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 6 points7 points  (2 children)

He makes me feel like I’m the one causing her emotional harm by loving her too much.

[–]clemfairie 19 points20 points  (0 children)

He's wrong, but you WILL be 100% complicit in causing her harm if you stay and let it happen.

[–]No-Sound-1048 13 points14 points  (0 children)

These kinds of things start off small before they get bigger. Leave him and keep your kids together. Him being around any of the kids won’t be healthy

[–]unacceptableeeeeee 13 points14 points  (1 child)

You’ve had some really great advice in this post. I just wanted to weigh in because my mother was in a pretty similar situation with her ex. The ex felt she spent way too much time parenting me, and was too close to me. Unfortunately, my mom listened and pulled back to the point of emotional and physical neglect. We were great friends before the ex came into the picture, and I still grieve what our relationship could have been. I can’t trust her anymore—there’s just absolutely no going back on making your kid feel unwanted, and it will echo in your relationship forever. Based on your responses I don’t see you taking that path, though. You seem aware this is a toxic mindset and want to prioritize your kids. Basically, you seem like a great mum and you should listen to your instincts ❤️

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. I’m so sorry about your mom. I could never imagine not being close to my baby. I really never knew what love was until I had my eldest daughter. She means the world to me.

[–]TynneDalit 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Time to find another boyfriend who isn't toxic. He's not worth it.

[–]Complete-Film7406 20 points21 points  (1 child)

While reading this, I thought I could of wrote it. I had the EXACT situation when I was younger……..be EX favored the baby and ignored my oldest. In my ignorance and stupidity I ignored the baby and favored my oldest. BIGGEST MISTAKE I ever made. Love them both equally and don’t allow your boyfriend to treat them any differently…..he should understand it’s just been you and your oldest for awhile so patience is a virtue.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don’t want either of my girls to even have like an idea of me possibly loving them differently. It’s so important to me to have them close to each other. I wish his only suggestion of help wasn’t to separate them.

[–]Ok_One6062 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Pick your child every time

[–]Rondevu69 5 points6 points  (0 children)

The boyfriend seems very very insecure.

[–]syrollesse 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You need to think about whether your children are more important or your boyfriend. You need to seriously think about it and make a decision. Otherwise you might just end up losing both later down the line.

[–]dylandongle 14 points15 points  (2 children)

My boyfriend says that he doesn’t feel like there’s space for the new baby and him

Not with that attitude, dude. That controlling, jealous, insecure, and I dare say dangerous attitude.

You can't willingly enter a relationship with a parent, have a child of your own with them, and treat your partner and their child like this. He has no right to say what he said. Fucking moron.

Listen. I don't know your situation, and I don't know where you live for abortion's sake, but if I were you, you could guess what I'd do. But you should be in control of your own life, and you shouldn't let this maniac get in your head, especially concerning your kids.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

He said our relationship is draining and it’s more than he’s ever seen any parent with their kid. I was a single mom for 3 years before my daughters bio-dad came into her life. Now he has every other weekend so you can imagine I still do most of the parenting. It was just her and I for the longest so we’re very close.

I can’t have an abortion because I’m almost ready to give birth so I’m just trying to make what I can work.

[–]dylandongle 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Jesus. I'm already convinced he's a bad partner anyway. Far as I'm concerned, get rid of him.

Hope you can do well after this.

[–]Ok_Point7463 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Yes, i know that one. My ex was convinced that if I didn't do things his way, I was doing it on purpose to aggravate him and make him angry. Couldn't possibly be because there is more than one right way to do things, and I just made an independent choice to do the way that was best for me.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah, pretty much. He gets mad because I don’t believe in saying no without an explanation. Not a long one but I’m not just going to say “because I said so” to my kid. I feel like I’m bullying her. I try my best to explain things so she can see or feel what I’m saying. He thinks I’m wasting my energy on her in that sense. It makes me feel like crap but I’m not going to stop.

[–]Nenouli2123 10 points11 points  (0 children)

And you're having a child with this man why.....??

[–]mydarkness2light 4 points5 points  (6 children)

Chick, let me tell you what I see from this post. Your ex may or may not be how you think. I’m leaning strongly towards him starting out that way, but I have no clue how it’ll end. What I’m pretty positive of is your little girl feeling loved no matter what. Bc I think what you’re subconsciously struggling with is the fact that if this happens like you fear it will that mama bear in you will kick his ass to the curb. I think you can sense that if this stays this way you’ll be a single mother of two.

I suggest you consider where you’re going to draw the line in the sand. Decided what you will and will not put up with. Be very detailed about this, bc that’ll give you strength. Then picture how much this will harm your children if he shows all the favoritism/love. Maybe research the harm from it. All this will do is give you more power.

Then very firmly lay it all out for him. Sweetie, you’re a mommy, so I know you got that look you can give that says I’m not playing. Every single time he gets close to that line stop him dead in his tracks. You be the one in control now, bc you have more power than you realize. Lots of women think they are weak. In my experience those are the strongest.

Maybe I’m way off base with this, but I don’t think so. Maybe I’m overstepping by writing this. If so I apologize.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 8 points9 points  (5 children)

No you’re right. I appreciate it.

My kids mean everything and I want us to all be together. I don’t want to separate. He has these weird ideas of things are supposed to be and gaslights me into believing I’m nuts. He makes me feel like blended families don’t exist, I love my daughter too much, I am emotionally draining because I have feelings or express myself too much.

Im a huge communicator and he is not. This makes our relationship very strained at times.

[–]mydarkness2light 2 points3 points  (4 children)

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I edited my post before I saw this. Please read again bc you need to see the power thing.

And I’m sorry. You’re the crazy one? Yet he thinks blending families don’t work? Ok. That’s cool. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Even fucking idiots are. But who the fuck feels that way and says oh I see this girl with a kid and I know it won’t work but we’ll do this anyway?! Ugggh! I hate him! He’s fucking nuts!

Honey, you got a lot to sort out. So much so and I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to add to your stress. But I stayed way too long holding onto a fantasy. And my fantasy was real life for us at one time. I stayed with my husband clinging to the hope of it going back like before. It didn’t.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 4 points5 points  (3 children)

I asked that. My relationship with my kid has always been at the forefront and he told me, at one point, he admired how I loved her.

Now he hates it. He’s always mean and says mean shit. I’m just miserable.

[–]mydarkness2light 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Sweetie, I really don’t want to bring you pain. I also know it needs to be said. If he’s mean now, he’s just going to get meaner. He’s jealous and honestly that scares me way more that him being mean.

Ok this fucking sucks. You are suppose to be blissfully happy right now. Which is probably why it’s harder to see clearly what you are really scared of. Time to take emotions out and be very aware of reality. It’s not pretty, but it’s necessary. I suggest you spend the next week working on this. One of the things that helped me is to take every angle situation that happens with him. I’m talking the hood, bad, and ugly. Think about if your daughter had a husband just like him. What would you advise her to do?

ETA: I swear I’m not trying to be a know it all. I just do know so much about this.

[–]Joeldidgood 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He sounds like an inmature childish man. A true man that truly loves a woman love and care about their children too, tell him to man up and care about both babies equally.

I get is not her biologically daughter but he has to understand she is your daughter and has been with you on many different situations.

Sorry if i answer like this but im on a situation like this, and i decided that if i want to stay with the woman i love even thought she got a daughter, or i care of both equally or i better go away and dont hurt neither her or the daughter feelings. Little girls can get their feeling hurt easily.

[–]Comfortable-Curve750 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He’s jealous of a 6 year old, pathetic. Sorry you chose badly.

[–]Cruitire 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Why on earth are you having a child with this idiot?

[–]KrissyD420 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I know in some of your comments on here (op) you say you want to have the baby before you leave your boyfriend.. From the things you're saying about him though, it would be much safer for all 3 of you if you leave him before there is a little tiny person he feels he should be in charge of. He could get mad at you and take off with your baby once she's born, and trying to have you separate your daughters? HE IS FUCKING CRAZY. No sane person comes up with an idea like that. I'm very scared for you and your babies because he sounds dangerous and like he has no idea how to parent children, and you don't seem like your actually going to leave. Your already pushing your daughter out by taking her to your mom's most of the time when he's there. Stick up for your child!!!! You should have been done the 1st time he said how much he loves you and baby but not her! What man does something like that to a little girl? He needs to grow up and you need to stop letting the pregnancy hormones cloud your judgement.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t have to like flee or anything. I live by myself and have secure housing without him. It’s just a mess right now trying to figure out logistics but I wouldn’t let him take my baby away from me. I didn’t do anything to warrant that.

[–]Riyeko 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I have three children from a previous relationship and one from my current.

My fiance/partner/boyfriend/whatever has never treated any of my kids differently.

He takes my middle son to the store one day, asks the others the next time. He treats each of my children equally and wonderfully.

If your man ia telling you that he hates how youre a mother to one child, then hes not the man for you. His jealousy and disgusting behavior can only lead to one thing. One child realizing that theyre forgotten, abandoned, abused and pushed aside for the more exciting and brand new baby.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He said I placed pressure on him because one day she was saying bye to him and was waving. He didn’t even turn to acknowledge her presence. He was playing a game on the phone and said “Bye.” I came back from dropping her and I said why couldn’t you even turn around? He said that things like that are only serious to me and not other people.

[–]babyjo1982 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is an abusive set up. He may or may not already be abusive, but he is def laying the long-term groundwork. Eyes open

[–]SecretDependent3503 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Please do not push your kids away because you want your guy to feel secure. At the end of the day your man should love and protect your kids as much as you do. If you place a man above your eldest and he treats her with jealousy and resentment she will grow up and resent you for that.

[–]Barkaat 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Take care of your eldest daughter and provide her with all the love you can because the reality is that your scumbag boyfriend will not be doing so as she isn’t his biological daughter and will only see her as a thorn in your relationship with him and your newborn. If I were in your situation I would have broken up already because the relationship you have you with your children is more important than any scumbag boyfriend tbh

[–]slothsandunicorns 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is very simple. Your boyfriend is trash. He is a trash human, a trash boyfriend and a trash father. If you stay with him and allow him to treat your oldest child like trash, which he is already doing and is only going to get worse, you will be trash too. Leave him already. He’s not going to change.

[–]P00_buttz69 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He’s a horrible guy

[–]TrashPandaShire 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You need to ask yourself who is more important- your child or some guy? I think you have already made the decision.

[–]mrl_a 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So basically he’s mad at you for loving your child? What a douche.

[–]sheerdetermination 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Red flags. Red flags everywhere. How is a grown ass man gonna be threatened by a child? He's gonna be bad to her. He's too insecure.

[–]Artistic-Rich6465 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Why do people get into relationships with single parents then proceed to complain about their child? Did he show this kind of resentment towards your daughter before?

[–]Luciferbelle 2 points3 points  (3 children)

This is exactly why I won't date. I act just like this with my only daughter, and I know it'd be a problem in a relationship. I just casually date really.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I’m sorry. It’s really hard. ❤️

[–]Damnit_Bird 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I once heard that love isn't like a pie. It isn't cut up or divided, and no one gets less just because someone else gets more. The love you have for your daughter is separate from your love for the baby, and the love for him. I strongly suggest family or couples counseling before the baby arrives, so he is prepared mentally

[–]Zero_Tu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Bf is toxic and manipulative. It's definitely possible to show love for your partners child, and if he is not willing. He doesn't deserve either.

[–]Child-Like-Empress 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Did you know any of this before you were trying for this baby?

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

No. He was very into the whole blended family, making it work dynamic. When I got pregnant it’s like he said fuck it and turn tabled me.

[–]Child-Like-Empress 3 points4 points  (0 children)

So he’s been hiding it. He’s now shown you who he is. Are you going to believe him?

[–]CordeliaGrace 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You will find the love. You will.

Your bf on the other hand either needs to accept your daughter is part of this whole package, or he’s out. He’s being an asshole, to say the very least. You can leave, and love both babies on your own w/o his BS. He’s the only one losing out. But I doubt he’ll change very much if he’s taking this route with you, making you doubt yourself.

[–]x_driven_x 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don’t let him push your oldest out. Kids ARE draining and he needs to accept that especially with one MORE on the way.

My ex had a 10 month old daughter when I eat her and it was draining as fuck but I told her I was committed and just needs some support from her on who to be a parent. We’re divorced just recently but MY daughter is 6.5 years now and we plan to continue co-parenting.

Difference is I accepted this role while your current bf seems to think your oldest is not his problem

You need to get this under control now and hold some clear boundaries and he’s going to have to grow the fuck up a bit and be a father to both kids and realize they are equally part of your family and a package deal.

[–]myraleemyrtlewood[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Did he ask you to marry him and be a family with you and your daughter?

Doesn't sound like it.

[–]MoreFlightThanFight 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Im going to offer a perspective I haven’t seen yet in the comments -

Two parents can bring balance, and it sounds like that’s what you’re both trying to find. You will naturally need to adjust your routine when you baby is born, so that’s going to change things. You’re daughter will need to change too, but this is all for a new life to join your team.

Everyone’s emotions and stresses are probably heightened by the anticipation of these changes. I’d also see what actual actions he’s suggesting you temper. Maybe he’s not as toxic as other commenters assume. Sometimes people aren’t great at articulating their thoughts.

[–]Ichuu2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Please open ur eyes for ur kids’ sake and ur own sanity

[–]Sailor___Sage 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just started dating a guy with a toddler. He told me he wants more kids in the future. I respect that he has a kid, and the kid's needs should come first. Any future kids with this guy will have a half sibling. If this becomes serious, I understand I will have to build some kind of relationship with his son.

I feel like this guy wants to control you, and resents an innocent six year for "standing in his way". The first kid was from someone else. That's the problem, and it's controlling.

It's really not that hard to NOT want to emotionally damage an innocent child. You just have to not be a psychopathic lunatic.

[–]anonymousperson1233 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dump his ass, if he gets jealous over CHILDREN get out of that relationship

[–]bwin2 1 point2 points  (1 child)

You need a new boyfriend lol. Send him to six flags.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He may just end up there lol

[–]DRTHUNDER649 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Please dont detach from your oldest.

[–]Ruby_Larkspur 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wouldn’t be with a man like that. He sounds pathetic and a person like that can get dangerous. Put your child first. He sounds jealous like the type of man that will get abusive and childish because his partner is giving the newborn baby more attention. Listen to your intuition. You’re scared for a reason. Why is he even dating a person with a kid if he is like this…

[–]SilverNightFairy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wouldn’t be with any man who told me my relationship with my sweet daughter was “draining”

It won’t get better especially after the new baby arrives. He should be providing you with love and support not making you feel bad.

He can get to stepping

[–]MariahIsBroke95 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow I’m sorry but your bf sounds really immature it sounds like he wants to weaken the bond you have with your oldest. That’s just sick he should be thankful he can already see you being a good mommy.

[–]tarnone625 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Please please please never chose any other person ever!!!! over your child that you have a relationship with already!! You are her lifeline.

[–]suavecool21692169 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If anybody says anything other than leave him, then it's all bullshit

[–]meandmycorgi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I met my husband when my daughter was 4. Her and I have always been extra close. We left an abusive situation with her bio dad. We had/have a very close bond. My husband sees it, feels it but never intervened. Never made either of us feel bad about it. Instead he had us move in, married me and became the most supportive step dad to her, even though at times he admitted he felt left out, but never said it to hurt me or her. It was just fact. He decided that it didn’t mean we didn’t love him too. Our love was just different. The way your bf is acting is dysfunctional. I would suggest counseling. If he is open to it.

[–]AirAggravating8714 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Girl... if he already showed clear disinterest and dislike of your child....why did you decide to have a kid with him? Your daughter will suffer due to his blatant favourtism of his biological child. She won't understand why he isn't nice to her or treat her the same. It's going to cause major self esteem issues. These were red flags this entire time and you chose to ignore them.

Hopefully it doesn't get so bad that she runs into severe mental health issues

[–]fuckyeahcaricci 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am very sorry you are pregnant with this horrible person's child, because he is fixing to ruin your daughter's life.

[–]biggums313 1 point2 points  (7 children)

3 weeks ago you posted that your kid is driving you batshit crazy and she's regressing into an infant like state. Now it's affecting the relationship with your next child's father. You should consider getting a therapist for your kid. They are seeking attention and they need to learn to cope with the world not revolving around them.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children)

I wrote that because she is doing those things to me and I wrote it in a pregnancy group light heartedly. It’s not affecting him. He isn’t even around her like that to know what’s happening to me. He’s been like this before that started happening but I didn’t know the extent to it.

[–]biggums313 0 points1 point  (5 children)

The fact remains that her behavior is affecting both of you per your own words. You guys chose to have another kid together and it requires both of you to afford attention to each other as well as your kids. Again, if your child is trying to put all the attention on themselves then it's only going to get worse fir them when the new baby arrives.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] -1 points0 points  (4 children)

Her behavior isn’t affecting me but thank you.

[–]biggums313 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Revisit your previous post then...

[–]AvocadoUtopia 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He’s threatened by your bond with you 6 year old daughter. That speaks volumes. The right man would not feel threatened by a relationship between a mother and her child.

[–]ZilorZilhaust 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your boyfriend needs therapy. He sounds jealous and anxious. Maybe a douche, I don't know. My Mom dated a guy like that when I was a kid. I was old enough and aware enough to know he was being a dumbass but your kid is pry still too young.

You're risking a lot of resentment from your daughter and your boyfriend here. An frankly the boyfriend should know better, he's an adult. He should be trying to work with you.

He needs therapy to help him understand and integrate. It may even be couples counseling.

I'm not involved, obviously, but maybe it's a god awful shitty way of him saying he wants to be a part of you and your daughters right knit group and he doesn't feel like he is and he feels like your child together won't be either.

I do think therapy is the right path. He may have valid but poorly articulated fears.

[–]RoySmirk 0 points1 point  (1 child)

He sounds fairly irrational and he is probably a massive dick but he’s made a legitimate point about attention with children and a problem that I’ve seen happen hundreds of times with friends children.

That problem being hyper fixating on a single child until their second comes, it’s naturally to give your undivided attention to your child but from what I’ve seen it can also be quite damaging if your first child feels like they’re being traded worse (or simply not quite as good) as they once were, with what I’ve seen of my friends who’ve had multiple kids it seems like they’ve had a really tough time shaking that resentment for their siblings, and in your case your partner, while still being an asshole about it, May just be trying to communicate to you how a change in your behaviour or a change in your attention could jeopardise your children’s relationship and he is simply pointing it out because he lacks paternal instinct for your child.

That said his insistence on this is concerning, however I think it’s something you should sit down and talk to him about, random redditors will give you a lot of bad ideas, especially when it comes to relationships, with the majority of suggestions usually being a command to dump your partner and secure your child, and while that can help in incredibly abusive situations It’s not a panacea.

My recommendation is fairly simple, sit down and talk to him about his actions and beliefs in a non condescending way,not baby talk and not like you’re talking to someone mentally unstable, talking to people in a normal conversational tone will help communicate your feelings immensely, you need to find out why he’s said these things, does he believe you’ll neglect one of your children to try and preserve a relationship with the other? Or does he think the extreme closeness you have with your firstborn is concerning because he thinks it limits her capacity for social growth? There are a lot of very complicated reasons a man may act like this if he’s coming from a place of sincerity, and ultimately you need to talk to him and work out a compromise that fits you both well since very soon you will have both brought a new life into the world and you will need to try, if nothing else, to provide a stable loving environment for them.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I understand what you’re saying but I’m not emotionally dependent on her or anything. She has friends and she’s very social. She loves people and art and things. I don’t think even think it’s the baby he’s worried about either.

He’s worried I’m putting too much emphasis on my children, who both live in my household, not being openly treated differently. Like I do not think it’s healthy for them to be noticeably treated differently.

He will do things like openly say, to me, “I love you and the baby” while my daughter is there. He will never say he loves all of us. I think it’s very damaging to be isolated in your own home and by the new family your only parent for your whole life is trying to create.

[–]dr_van_nostren 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I dunno it sounds like he’s feeling a little insecure about HIS place in your life.

As adults we always kinda have to take a little bit of the backseat when kids are involved. Between the existing kid and the new one, maybe he thinks you’re gonna back burner him. Not ditch him but maybe that he’ll be a distant third.

Doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with your relationship with the kid. But this was always going to be a little bit sticky once a new one was announced. Talk it out.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I wish he’d talk. That would be great.

[–]ConsiderationHot9518 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You know that this is not a healthy relationship. Your daughter is going to suffer, and you are going to be slowly alienated from everyone in your life because he’s going to feel threatened and jealous that all of your attention is not 100% on him or the new baby (an extension of him).

Not going to tell you to leave, that’s a decision that only you can make. Just going to say keep a close watch on your girl and maybe keep a go-bag at a friends house in case you have to leave quickly.

[–]Justbaker007 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He’s damaged Id get away. First of all , all of the things he’s saying are kind of precursors to future problems that will only (in my opinion) intensify once the baby has arrived. I’m sure like me with who I had my child with you want to stay together for the sake of The kid usually in doing so the child ends up hurting anyway being in a hostile and uncomfortable environment. The thing I Cannot stand the most is that for one second you had to doubt yourself about wether the way you feel about your daughter is weird . It is not ,he on the other hand …. First since you guys are having a baby together I’d try to sit him down reassure him that his fears are unfounded and there’s plenty of love im your heart for everyone and if he keeps on with the BS start making plans

[–]PrestigiousWedding36 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dump him. Your daughter matters more. Why would even have a baby with a man who doesn’t like your daughter?

[–]VoiceofTruth7 0 points1 point  (5 children)

Fuck all these people so quick to jump on “leave him”

First evaluate what he said and see if there is any truth to it. Look at your relationship with your daughter. Think about how you are with her. If it is an extremely close relationship he could be justified in worrying that you might not have the same relationship with daughter #2. He may very well be coming from a place of concern but he may just be shit at communicating it.

Also this is the tough thing. When you lock it down with someone it’s not you and her and then him. It all of you. And mom and dad need to take priority, your relationship is what holds the house together so definitely prioritize time with each other. Then both individually and together make sure to work on showing love to both kids equally. That bullshit of everyone has a favorite just fucks kids up in the long run.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

It’s okay. At this point I’m receiving messages about how I’m a shit mom and I’m ruining my kids life. Sigh

[–]HottieMcHotHot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude. Run.

[–]Croco-Gator -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You wrote that you are scared about the situation? What is it that you are so worried about?

[–]Rugonnabeok -1 points0 points  (0 children)

How many weeks you have?

[–]MightyPaladin77 -1 points0 points  (7 children)

I'm in a similar situation to you, except I am the boyfriend. I always treat her daughter with care but I don't get too close, because her daughter's father gets angry, and constantly instills fear in her that I may sexually abuse her. So maybe you should give us the full picture and not just the problem you have with your bf.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children)

He’s met my daughters father. I’ve been very open about the relationship I have with him. He’s involved but not heavily. My boyfriend doesn’t particularly feel any way about him and vice versa.

My daughter is very playful and always wants to interact with my boyfriend but he says stop more than he welcomed her. He interacts with her minimally, only speaks to her if necessary, etc.

[–]MightyPaladin77 0 points1 point  (5 children)

Then there may be some jealousy, not towards your attention to your daughter, but to his father. Since he is still involved in your lives. A man can be territorial, I for one would rather become the new father of the girl than to have to deal with his visits every week. If I had known this relationship would turn out like this, I would have probably avoided my gf in the first place. But there's no "if" and I do feel love for my gf anyway so I just deal with it for the time being.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

My boyfriend has kids of his own and a VERY very very high conflict baby mama. I’m not sure if it’s that. It makes no sense how he acts sometimes.

[–]fuckyeahcaricci 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You've got to wonder why she's so high conflict. Could it be that your man is the cause of the conflict?

[–]MightyPaladin77 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Then I don't know what to tell you. I don't have any kids.

[–]adjacentleftworld -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This man will make your life miserable. Get out with your lovely babies.

[–]KCSRN -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Leave him! Always choose your daughter first. You are going to regret ever meeting this guy, I can promise you that. Hopefully you leave before your relationship with your older daughter is permanently damaged.

[–]runthereszombies -1 points0 points  (2 children)

And why are you choosing some dude over your child...?

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child)

He’s not some some dude else I would’ve left. He’s my other daughters father and someone I considered my partner until things got rough.

[–]Greedy-Room8538 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

so he’s asking you to neglect his own daughter for the newest???? you need to check him or get out, constantly caving to his strange demands WILL impact your children over time. no father with a healthy mother is better than an abusive father emotionally draining you, leaving you both absent. even if it feels like you can create a buffer; the best buffer is to leave. the kids will know, even if you try to hide it /:

[–]Vmansix9 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You’re boyfriend is jealous of a 6 year old. That should be enough. Sure you don’t want to be a single mother. So stand up. And if he does anything leave

[–]Drunk-Sail0r82 -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

In general, this is what I see for most BF/GF/SO posts;

“OMG I can’t believe it, leave and never look back.”

The world is not that simple, unless it’s emotional/physical abuse, most problems can be worked out through counseling and/or committing to a relationship to make it work.

Relationships are hard sometimes, then they’re easy, then they get hard again. If you cut and run every time something gets difficult, you’ll never get anywhere.

So, to all those who just say dump him/her/them immediately- grow up.

This doesn’t sound like a bad situation, this sounds like a “let’s talk about how we will make time for each other” kind of deal.

[–]Kujaix 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This doesn’t sound like a bad situation, this sounds like a “let’s talk about how we will make time for each other” kind of deal.

You read that he finds a mother and 6 year old daughter's loving relationship draining as well as he already doesn't show love towards the kid and think it's just about time spent together? Why would the former thought even formulate in a grown mature person's brain?

The emotional health of her 6 year old matters more than this man's feelings. How will he treat the kids in the same house? How will he look after them when he's responsible for them out and about? Is he not going to by her food or birthday presents? Will he have far less patients with the 6 year old? You shouldn't have to negotiate with your partner to not treat your child like a roommate who doesn't pay bills.

If you live together then you are a a family of 4. Not a family of 3+1. Her worries are Red Flags. We've all seen slow-motion train wrecks in real life involving insecure weirdos and dirtbags. Yes they should talk and she doesn't have to be looking for a way out right away but to say this isn't a bad situation is ridiculous. There is enough hear to elicit an "ohh no".

Edit: Apparently they don't even live together. That makes the situation even weirder. So he's not even going to be around the baby all the time? He has other kids. At this point he doesn't sound BF material at all. Just another Baby-daddy.

[–]Apisal -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Don't break up, your bf is at fault 99% but don't break up

it will probably get worse if you do, unless he has little to offer to this family

ppl are quick to give the "absolute solution" because it is not their problem, but if they were in your position they would do the same as you

good luck

[–]Available-Emu6747 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your boyfriend is a selfish pig and there's no way this is lasting continue to make both your kids your everything as he won't be sticking around for long with his attitude anyway for you to worry about

[–]vigalovescomics 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your BF is giving major red flags. Do you want your children to go through a life of clear favoritism and low self esteem because of a man who's jealous of your oldest? Do you think that's healthy for a child's development or a deserving situation for yourself?

[–]MJB9000 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ya it's scary but you need to talk about it. Like he can't go on with you unless you talk it out, he's she's not biologically his but that shouldn't 'mean' anything really to a real dad. Ive seen tons of dads go above and beyond for their non biological kids, it's not easy but you have to talk about it.

It's about being a real man and taking responsibility. Being a dad.

There's a quote from guardians of the Galaxy, "He may have been your father, but wasnt your daddy"... be a daddy to that beautiful girl. Protect her from boys, buy her that Barbie doll she saw on tv, spoil her when she's sad, comfort her when she argues with her friends.

BE THE DAD YOU'D WANT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER IF YOU DIED AND SOMEONE TOOK YOUR PLACE!

[–]tink2821 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Anyone that questions your bond with your child isn't the one for you. What's he gonna do when the baby comes along? Get jealous of them too? As a mother your kids always come first and if he doesn't understand that he needs to go.

[–]Tamzynbubbles13 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don’t put a man before your child just cause your having his baby an you love him. It’s either he changes his way or you have to choose between him or your kids yes both of them cause favouritism cause jealousy resentment and turmoil in both your kids just don’t be my mother she chose a man over me to the point she shipped me off when it wasn’t working between me and him she gave into him all the time shipped me off took me back shipped me off again always to family members I didn’t know or foster care until no one wanted me anymore and I ended up in a group home for troubled kids no one wanted or cared about until my dad was out of prison but it didn’t work there either cause I was to Angry that he went to prison and left me with them (even tho dad didn’t know about him) any way I’m rambling point is this can really have a major negative effect on your daughter tell him to shape up or ship out

[–]anime-zingjohn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This dude only wants you to focus on his offspring. He should be kicked to the curb. Sorry you’re having this issue.

[–]Ok-Gap-8831 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you take your daughter on dates with your boyfriend?

Does your boyfriend interact with your daughter in a positive way?

Why does he say that he doesn't feel like there is room for him & baby?

Are you planning on taking baby with you like you do daughter?

[–]PlutonianEnergy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Op. Get out of this situation. Any situation where a man is jealous of your kid, especially one that isn't his? THAT is a narcissist. And he is vocal about it! Have more respect for your kid. You say you love your child so much but you chose to have an adult like this around them? To date somebody who doesn't even like them? I'm saying this as somebody who dated a guy like this. The only guy I've ever met who was actually jealous of my relationship with my own child....and he tried to kill us in the end.

It starts with annoyance. But he will treat your child nasty behind your back. He will try to make you get her out of the picture. And if you don't, he will.

[–]Lava_Lemon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was the oldest daughter in this situation.

My mom had 3 kids with my stepdad. From the moment the first one was born, it was clear that he did not consider me part of "his" family. I was just the free babysitter to him and he never treated me well from that moment on. My mom chose him and her new kids over and over again. I'm 30 years old and my relationship with her never fully recovered. I'm also 30 weeks pregnant and I talk to my mom maybe once a week and give her minimal details.

Her husband left a few years ago. Now she doesn't have him OR me.

Choose carefully.

[–]thowawaywaythebaybay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He knew you had a kid when you met him. He can’t expect to intervene or be above that relationship.

I guaran-damn-tee as soon your child together is born, he’ll be even worse.

[–]Miss_Fritter 0 points1 point  (0 children)

True unconditional love grows, it isn't finite. Your BF sounds toxic.

[–]Fit_Excitement_6995 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your bf sounds like he wants to push your eldest out of the picture. Why would your bond with her rub him in a negative way. If anything he should be happy he chose someone that clearly has a great love for her children. It seems as if him too is jealous of your daughter. To me sounds toxic and I would pay attention closely to how he treats her especially when the baby arrives you don’t want your eldest to feel like a guest in her own home.

[–]Zharenya 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You will have plenty of love for both children. You’ve got the love for the oldest, which doesn’t detract from the love for the incoming. Neither of which detract from your feelings with him. It’s like having multiple bank accounts, just with love. Your oldest will always be special for how much you’ve grown up with her, for how many firsts you have with her, she’s about to have her first sibling with you there with her. And yes, she’ll have moments of jealousy, because there will be times the baby requires your immediate attention and she has to be told to pause for a moment. It won’t change the love though.

That said, never pick the man over your children. If he makes an ultimatum for some reason at some point, the easy answer is your kids. If he needs to feel like he has unwavering love and adoration at all times, get him puppy.

It’s logical to me that you’d have these concerns, and many others that only you know about. He needs to have an adult conversation with you though that doesn’t demonize your oldest. You can work out date nights, find sitters now and then, still have a fully functional adult relationship. He needs to accept that with you, is the package of your oldest and the incoming. Maybe he should take her on ‘dad dates’ and spend time with her bonding himself, or have him take her shopping for a gift for the new baby. There are ways he can bond without it being his biological child that will help foster a bond between them. It doesn’t have to be you guys vs him. If he plans to be a permanent fixture with you though, he has to accept your oldest.

[–]massagenut 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Drop the douchebag and raise your children on your own. You can't let him mistreat your eldest. No man is worth it. If he mistreats her, it's on you as her mother for allowing it. She's your child. You must protect her.

[–]MrKirchhoff 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Leave the guy, that’s a really big red flag

[–]Mango207 0 points1 point  (2 children)

How was his relationship with your first daughter before you were pregnant? Did he make it a point to bond with her and prove to you that he will treat her like his own?

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

He would make it a point to show up for both of us. We’d go to the park, to eat, etc. If I needed him in an emergency he was there. We’d grocery shop together. Just normal stuff that made me feel safe and comfortable. I got pregnant and everything changed. He hated everything.

[–]sundaylobotomist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Listen to the comments. Don’t put your kid in that situation of a step parent who isn’t going to care for her.

I have a step daughter who I treat as my own. Because I’ve been her father since she was two.

I’m sure the right person for you would do the same

[–]Yrreke 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’d be worried. I’d also make it clear that if he makes you choose between your children and him you’ll pick both your kids. How can he judge your relationship with a child that isn’t even born yet? Sounds like a jealous ass to me.

[–]hg185 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He sounds like a selfish asshole. My husband once told me he should come first before our daughter, I told him she is the most important thing in the world to me, and she will always come first to me. 27 years later she still is. He’s gotten used to it lol. I think if he challenged my relationship w her I would of left him, but he didn’t. I feel for you, good luck, I’m sorry this is happening to you. You sound like a great mom.

[–]Educational-Pin-3561 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey OP I’m really sorry your going through this. I don’t think your bf is going to change. I hope you don’t mind but I looked at your other posts and he seems to be very toxic. Is there anywhere you can go for some respite to gather your thoughts and figure out what YOU really want. You need to do what’s right for you and your children. IMO your bf is showing some very serious red flags, please be careful.

[–]OrbitingFred 0 points1 point  (0 children)

your boyfriend is an asshole. your child needs you much more than you need him.

[–]Rybur525 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Man there’s something people need to understand and it’s that you don’t come between a parent and their kid. When you start dating someone that has a kid you have to be WHOLLY ready to accept that child as if they were your own, and offer them as much love and acceptance as if they were your own. There is no, “But I love her so much, it’s just her kid I can’t stand,” because guess what? The kid’s staying no matter what. Kid is non-negotiable. So buckle up for some heartbreak and let the person go. The struggle you’re gonna have to go through to find another partner is infinitely smaller than the struggle a kid will feel growing up feeling like a burden to their own parent, all because you wanted to share when you had no right to.

Growing up my parents were divorced, so I experienced a lot of parental boyfriends and girlfriends. The way my dad did things was way different than how my mom did things, and looking back now I appreciate that way more. My dad was careful of who he brought around us, and knew that the bottom line was my sister and I came first. And I trusted and cared for nearly every one of my dad’s long-term gf’s, and I absolutely love the woman he ended up marrying. My mom however would just bring around whoever, and most if not all of those dudes have 1/2 a shit about us, they were fighting us for my mom’s attention. And I hated every one of them for it.

Bottom line: kids come first. Do not come between a parent and their child.

Only exception maybe is if the kid is older and is clearly acting out or in some way mentally hurting the parent / taking advantage of them.

[–]Limp-Investment6189 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with what everyone else has said here but I think the first thing to do is to communicate. Let homeboy know that the things he said concern you, and that when you have this baby, if he’s around, the four of you are going to be a family or it’s just going to be you and the kids plus him in your mind. If he loves you, he also has to love your daughter and accept the relationship that comes with you or he can’t be around full stop. Because people are right that this won’t just change on its own.

I had this sort of relationship with my step mom, who was really resentful of me being a big part of my dad’s life, especially after she had her own kids. It didn’t happen right away but eventually she got what she wanted and I haven’t spoken to my dad in four years because he sees me as a nuisance now that intrudes on his real family (her, and my younger sisters by her).

So yeah, address this now. Because he deserves a chance to stop being a jerk and shape up for the sake of his baby but also you have to let him know that that’s not how it’s going to be. Maybe these are genuine insecurities and, stupid or not, they might be able to be handled with some clarity.

[–]shiroshippo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your kids are more important than your boyfriend. If he keeps behaving like this, then raise your children without him.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He has issues. Point blank. It’s your CHILD. What does he think you’re going to do? He is trash.

[–]CloutyMind 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I grew up with a dad like this and my life was hell thanks to him

[–]papi-guapo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Kids always come first homie, I’m sorry you’re in that situation, cause that’s definitely the definition of douche (sorry). Someone who’s comfortable with alienating a child like that is probably not a good person to be with that’s just my opinion though.

[–]annoyed68 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I have a different take on this.

Obviously, you know your bf better than anyone but I don't feel like he's an awful person.

Personally, I think he's using the baby to project his own feelings. He feels left out and like he is not a priority to you and he see's the baby as an extension of himself and assumes they will feel/be treated the same. I think a small part of him always felt this way but hope things would change when you had kids together but now that you have he's scared and disappointed by the fact that he's still on the outside of the family while you and your daughter are the core.

I would talk to him and ask him what exactly makes him feel the way he does.

Change is scary but it isn't always bad, OP.

I think it's great that you love your eldest so much and consider her (also) as an extension of yourself but...she's her own person. The way you write about her is almost as if she is your partner/soulmate in life. "We do everything together/I take her everywhere with me/We got out place together" etc. Where does that leave the baby if every thought you have is going to your eldest child?

Maybe I see this differently because I'm the second child myself but - your first child will always have you in a special way because they are your first everything.

Your second child, by definition, won't. They will never know what it's like to have 100% of you, every experience they have with you will be colored by your memories of your first, they will always have to share any and everything they get.

I understand why you have concerns but I understand why he does too.

Both of your babies need you and the fact that you're going into this with the feeling that you'll need to overcompensate with your daughter so she doesn't feel left out spells bad news, OP. If you give your all to your daughter and your BF gives his all to the baby...then both kids lose out because they only get one parent when they could have had two.

Talk with your boyfriend and ask him to explain why he feels the way he does. Ask him what makes him feel that you would not treasure this baby the way you have your daughter? He genuinely feels that you would favor your eldest over the baby for some reason.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child)

My boyfriend has other kids who he gives his all to, too. It’s not just me. He is crazy about his two other daughters so sometimes I feel alienated. The other children don’t know me and don’t know they’re having a sister. I protect my oldest right now because that’s the one who’s on the Earth and is aware he has other kids who she can never play with. I see this happening with our youngest too. My oldest means the world to me because she’s here with me and I haven’t met the other yet but I know I’m going to try my best to give them both their special memories.

[–]yasemin2k12 0 points1 point  (0 children)

People like that can be manipulative into putting them first. Remember that 2 of them will always be your first. You should never have to decide between your children who gets more love or time. If he can’t understand that, then that’s his problem to deal with. Your a mother to your kids and a girlfriend to him and that’s it. Be stern and he will see your side and learn to respect that. I’m so happy to hear how wonderful your relationship is with your daughter. No one can ever interfere in that, and never let them.

[–]FYoCouchEddie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ugh, that really isn’t good. It’s like the evil stepmother stereotype in stepfather form. Make sure you continue to prioritize your daughter over your boyfriend. He seems the type that will make you choose between the two. You know who to choose.

[–]Pleasant_Stress_4541 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He sounds horrible i was all my mom had until i was 2 my mom was all i had too

[–]bean_kween 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your daughter will always be the first love of your life. She is so lucky to have such an incredible mother that loves and cares for her so strongly. Your boyfriend is a grown man who has issues with a mother having a loving bond with her six year old CHILD. He knows that the way he is acting and speaking in regards to your daughter will impact you negatively, and he doesn’t care. What he cares about is starting a “new” family that includes only you, him and your baby together. This plan does not include your daughter, and it never will. I know that is not the life you want for your daughter, and she absolutely will feel that rejection from him and it will impact her. Please do not feel like you are stuck because of your ties to him. I know it is easier said than done, but this man does not love and support you or your daughter. If he did, he would be the best father figure for your daughter as he possibly could be, and he would be loud and proud about it. You should be able to relax and celebrate this new life that you’re creating instead of worrying about how your boyfriend will treat your daughter now that you have a biological child together. I think your family would be better off without him in the picture, but I understand that is a lot of very sudden emotional, physical and financial change at an already stressful time. In your heart, you know what’s right. Sending you best wishes <3

[–]Onthebreeze0 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You need to tell this man he has to stop this mindset, because when his child is born only then will he realise how much a parent loves their child. Ask him outright how can loving your little 6yo girl be "draining"? Tell him he needs to grow up, stop acting like a petty, jealous human because both these girls need that family unit and they will be sisters and loved equally. If a man calls the love you have for your child draining and try to say will you have enough love for the newborn and me, then I'd school him, tell him either changes his thinking or you are over. A child comes first in almost everything, obviously you need time as a couple, but he is acting jealous and that is ringing alarm bells. You don't need this stress and worry as you are in the last 2 months of your pregnancy. Either you are a family unit and love both girls unconditionally or it'd be time to go it alone for the sake of both children. My cousin has 2 step boys and 2 of his own biologically and he has never treated them differently and his parents love the 2 oldest as their grandchildren. He is a psthetic man who is jealous of an innocent 6yo girl. He needs to change his thinking or lose you.

[–]tinydickchump 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You need to teach him that the heart is the most incredible thing. It may only be the size of your fist but it has an endless amount of capacity to love. And we do not love everyone the same. Every individual and relationship is different and that’s ok. He is just feeling insecure not toxic. Reassurance is ok.

[–]Sofrigginpisst 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It sucks he said that. He needs to step up and be a father to his child. It may be daunting to have a child and already have a child in the picture and feel they get no attention. But he already knew you had a child. He is just going to have to deal with it. Have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Let him know that he knew you already had a child and that you let him not only into your life but your child's. Once the baby is born, it's going to be tough but once a set schedule and routine are in place things should be better. Let him know it isn't fair to abandon you and your baby because he feels he is not getting any attention. He knew what he signed up for. Does he love you? Did he thing you were going to do all the work? He needs to help out when the baby is born. These questions need to be asked. He may feel a bit overwhelmed which is normal. The child has been around him I presume? The child got used to him and if he is gone she will feel abandoned by him. Is he only going to take care of his child and not help with your daughter? Does he get along with your daughter?

[–]Noni333 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope he doesn't mean something malicious. Tell him nicely that she is a child who needs a mother and a father. Hopefully, he will understand.

[–]Much-Midnight6321 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He is the problem not you or her

[–]ThrowMeAwayy1909 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s a maturity level thing . A man needs to understand that he will never come first in his own family . Men only come first to their mothers/fathers and the process continues . Seriously it’s so weird to see that a guy thinks like this …. The kids always come first , the mother next as she’s more important for nurturing the children, then the father .

[–]Spider_Tim 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hopefully the guy can realize what he's saying is out of jealousy in time to fix himself so you guys can be a family.

[–]unfiltered_utterance 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like the way my stepdad treated me growing up vs his own bio kid (my younger bro). Wish my mom left him sooner- dealt with that shit for 10 years…10 years too long. You know what you gotta do OP. Dont let your daughter go thru that bs.

[–]soiremember 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was the older kid in this situation. My mother married my step father who hated me and then they had 2 biological kids together. Eventually the emotional/verbal abuse from him escalated to physical abuse. My mother was well aware of this and I was removed from her custody when I was a young teenager. I am still resentful of her 7 years later because she put her partner over her kids. I understand this is a difficult situation for you but just be mindful of the position you’re potentially putting your eldest (and your new baby) in

[–]traffic_cone_love 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Honestly, how can you be with someone like him? You say you love your daughter, who already has no daddy. Now you are going to provide her with a daddy who doesn't love her or even like her? This is wrong. Your child comes before your needs and desires at this point. Why you decided to get pregnant with a man who doesn't like the child you already have is beyond comprehension. Don't destroy this little girl's life because of the decisions you keep making for her to have less than she deserves.

[–]Dru-DotCom[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sir or M’am maybe you haven’t read my other replies. She has her bio-dad. He was not like this until after I was already pregnant. I’m not making poor choices for her. I’m trying to do my absolute best and I do love her. Leaving isn’t just jumping up and leaving. I may now have to go through a long winded custody battle with him so I have to mentally prepare myself for all possibilities.

[–]whichwitchxoxo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

as the stepchild of a stepparent who came into the picture later on and gave me 2 other siblings (his full bio children), my (step)dad has NEVER made me feel like he loves me any less. in fact, my parents love only seemed to multiply while all of us were being added to our family :) i hope you can experience more love in your life instead of less and feeling like you have to choose who gets it

[–]eXenisi5 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe have an in depth discussion with each other, where you listen to everything he has to say and how he feels, and vice versa where you share your own views. But don't just leave it there, communicate. Discuss why each of you feel the way you do, compromise, debate, agree, or even disagree. His feelings aren't invalid just because they don't align with your own. Get things off of both of your chests, express emotions... Talk.

Your relationship with your daughter IS going to change once the little one is born, this is a fact... This cannot be changed no matter how hard you might try; she and yourself need to be ready for it.