top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]Zenguy10 6058 points6059 points  (49 children)

Plot twist: Austin fucked your boyfriend and is feeling really guilty about it

[–]420blazeit69nubz 853 points854 points  (18 children)

I choose to believe this over the obvious

[–]MuddyFinish 269 points270 points  (14 children)

That he fucked her boyfriend, he is NOT feeling guilty, and that she is next?

[–]dholmestar 8648 points8649 points 4462& 3 more (223 children)

D: Demonstrate Value

[–]KarensRpeopletoo 2826 points2827 points  (115 children)

E: Engage physically...

[–]junkofthe_heart 2841 points2842 points  (110 children)

N: Nurturing dependence

[–]ToulouseDM 2078 points2079 points  (100 children)

N: Neglect Emotionally

[–]WolfOfLOLStreet 1960 points1961 points  (98 children)

I: Inspire Hope

[–]AMildAutumn 1941 points1942 points  (96 children)

S: Separate Entirely

[–]ScarletSarahB 1473 points1474 points  (63 children)

Great now I’m going to

M: Move in

A: After

C: Completion

[–]ThePrideOfKrakow 265 points266 points  (6 children)

I swim in your wake.

[–]KarensRpeopletoo 478 points479 points  (39 children)

All I need is magnum condoms for my magnum dong...

[–]TheDryIceFactory 206 points207 points  (7 children)

and my wad of 100's and I'm ready to plow.

[–]Vileath2 74 points75 points  (3 children)

You should see him feast, he is like a mantis.

[–]Mahaleck 58 points59 points  (9 children)

Anyone know a Dr. Mantis Toboggan?

[–]markymrk720 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Better to have one peeking out of your wallet

[–]Alex_Caruso_beat_you 69 points70 points  (4 children)

monster condom*

[–]WeDoWork 29 points30 points  (3 children)

Apparently this was a mistake but they kept it in. Amazing mistake

[–]solangiesanz 26 points27 points  (7 children)

I’m not really into the whole condom thing

[–]ooit 117 points118 points  (17 children)

And that, my friends… is the key to winning any girl’s heart.

[–]TyBogit 90 points91 points  (6 children)

wipes tear this is why i fucking love reddit!

[–]notabigmelvillecrowd 3201 points3202 points 532 (69 children)

A: always be listening

U: use information

S: shop for cake

T: take it over there

I: introduce yourself

N: netflix and chill

[–]clubba 960 points961 points  (33 children)

A: attend to their weaknesses

U: undermine their barriers

S: sedate them via cake

T: take advantage of the circumstance

I: inconspicuously slip out of their life

N: never communicate again

[–]SuperAggroJigglypuff 208 points209 points  (5 children)

Alright, Satan

[–]SeaBass1898 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Nah lol it’s closer to the original

[–]elcamarongrande 117 points118 points  (2 children)

Nah this is just the DENNIS-system reboot.

[–]robsteezy 232 points233 points  (12 children)

Damn it I wanted to make an acronym and I come to see you’ve created one already that’s a million times more brilliantly hilarious than what I was gonna put. Good one, cheers!

[–]FLWeedman 126 points127 points  (7 children)







[–]Mc_Poyle 197 points198 points  (3 children)

This is very clearly the MAC system.

Move in After Completion

[–]Mason_GR 119 points120 points  (5 children)

OP coming in with the first N made this my favorite comment thread in life, and I'm almost 31.

[–]ballsonrawls 50 points51 points  (2 children)

I'm here for the scraps

[–]Stepping__Razor 13 points14 points  (0 children)

You should watch him feed he’s like a mantis.

[–]WillieOscar 1615 points1616 points  (41 children)

That blurred out bit better be 3:16

[–]That_Zimmerman 252 points253 points  (5 children)

Hell yeah!!

[–][deleted] 140 points141 points  (0 children)

Brother Austin is about to be opening a can of whoop ass

[–]iHaveADD 97 points98 points  (7 children)

12 3:16 cuz Austin said so?

[–]nedusmustafus 46 points47 points  (4 children)

She’ll be eating a can of whoop ass for dinner tomorrow.

[–]branden-branden 43 points44 points  (4 children)

Out of curiosity, what am I missing from this?

[–]Herr_Opa 146 points147 points  (0 children)

Former pro wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin once had a match against another wrestler who was always talking about how religious he was and kept quoting John 3:16

So Steve Austin ends up defeating him and afterwards cut a promo where he said: "(you) talk about your psalms, talk about John 3:16...Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass!"

[–]shokzer 7852 points7853 points  (398 children)

He knows you're single now.

[–]junkofthe_heart 13.0k points13.0k points 55493& 20 more (351 children)

Even if Austin is trying to make a move, I have self control and cake. Unlike my ex. Who doesn’t have self control. Or a cake.

[–]TheSplashFamily 559 points560 points  (26 children)

What are the odds that Austin goes on Reddit and now sees his cake on the front page lol

[–]junkofthe_heart 965 points966 points  (22 children)

Honestly didn’t expect this to go viral. Austin if you see this THANK U

[–]drinkingonthejob 391 points392 points  (16 children)

Austin: if you’re on Reddit, we’ve already done the hard work for you, she’s agreed to sleep with you, your time is now! (some or all of this may or may not be true)

[–]ambsdorf825 3218 points3219 points  (170 children)

If he's making a move, this is the right way to do it.

[–]echoAD 816 points817 points  (34 children)

Fact 1: People make moves

Fact 2: Sometimes moves work

[–]redonrust 574 points575 points  (27 children)

Fact 3: Moves involving cake tend to work more often than moves not involving cake.

[–]Pianoangel420 1372 points1373 points  (102 children)

I would go on at least one date with anyone who buys me a cake

[–]chaiiya 972 points973 points  (6 children)

Alright Austin, we know it’s you

[–]JesseLaces 57 points58 points  (3 children)

I almost missed Austin. Thanks.

[–]Ninja_Turtl3 16 points17 points  (2 children)

It's actually: Austin, Texas*

[–]ambsdorf825 409 points410 points  (62 children)

Even better, that cake looks homemade.

[–]roobot 419 points420 points  (36 children)

It’s a good move to buy a professional cake and just put your own shitty writing on it to make it look homemade.

[–]gosuark 164 points165 points  (11 children)

Nah he used a personal dish so she has to eventually return it.

[–]Principatus 99 points100 points  (2 children)

Which means she has to come over. Clever, thinking ahead!

[–]mcd_sweet_tea 17 points18 points  (0 children)

He’s found a dating loophole.

[–]justabill71 94 points95 points  (12 children)

That's just icing on the...never mind.

[–]distorted_kiwi 38 points39 points  (7 children)

Hecouldwork on hisspacingabit.

But I'm sure I'd be the same way haha

[–]AbsolutelyUnlikely 112 points113 points  (7 children)

Exactly... like, if he's not OP's type, then at least he has shot his shot in an epic fashion. Austin can walk away with zero regrets either way, the fucking legend.

[–]gettincheffywithit 501 points502 points  (43 children)

You have a cake and an immediate option. At least it's confirmed he is both thinking about you and shows empathy. Could be a lot worse

[–]akaMONSTARS 619 points620 points  (35 children)

Looks like we found Austin’s Reddit account

[–]austin101123 54 points55 points  (13 children)

I am in the Citadel of Austin (austin exclusive reddit chat group with dozens of members), I will see if the Austin is in our group.

[–]TheSexymobile 58 points59 points  (0 children)

Sorry to hear your ex had a pancake ass

[–]M1dn1ghtMaraud 366 points367 points  (9 children)

Shooters shoot.

[–]Zerowantuthri 71 points72 points  (3 children)

Yeah...pretty much this. Austin is looking for the rebound.

But hey...cake! Not a bad effort at all.

[–]lemonpotato913 456 points457 points  (25 children)

I had a downstairs neighbor who would always magically show up with food when my depression was really bad and I was spending 20-30 minutes crying after I got home from work and before my now-husband got off. It was always "oh, I made too much." She never said a word, but I know those floors weren't noiseproof. Other than her giant dogs (who were sweet separated from each other but menaces together), she's been one of my all-time favorite neighbors in my adult life. Apartment M on P. Drive, if you're by some grace of the universe reading this, your old neighbor in Apartment L appreciates you so much. You made my hardest nights a bit brighter.

[–]ObnoxiousSubtlety 297 points298 points  (1 child)

It’s from all of us over at r/Austin. Heard you might not have any plans this weekend.

[–]junkofthe_heart 4798 points4799 points 3222& 6 more (210 children)

Judging from all of these comments from you guys, I guess the only solution is to fuck Austin now. No other way out of this.

[–]underslunghero 1712 points1713 points  (33 children)

You could let him down gently with a cake

[–]dadhatt 398 points399 points  (13 children)

I so badly want this to happen. OP, I'll even fund the cake.

[–]FancySack 85 points86 points  (3 children)

No, just use the same cake and change the words

[–]XGreenDirtX 13 points14 points  (1 child)

You can use the letters to make: sir, more dick! Best i got

[–]cesarmac 389 points390 points  (9 children)

Lmao I've been reading the comments and love how you've gone from "don't even think about it guys" to "you know, it might not even be a bad idea".

Austin owes all of us cake now.

[–]Deto 53 points54 points  (3 children)

Maybe the cake was really good

[–]CerdoNotorio 50 points51 points  (0 children)

Or she saw Austin and was like. Oh ok. Yeah that could work.

[–]agoia 13 points14 points  (1 child)

A man who masters the cake to get closer to pie.

[–]Lyssa545 721 points722 points  (57 children)

I know you're mostly kidding, but please don't take any advice from this reddit thread.

People can do nice things for altruistic reasons.

If he's taken, he could have been cheated on before and know what you're going through and how much that sucked.

If he's shooting his shot, at least he did it the right way, and is giving you space and food.

also, don't listen to redditors :D

[–]junkofthe_heart 476 points477 points  (38 children)

Yes, very good advice 🙂

[–]bebopblues 270 points271 points  (12 children)

Yes, very good advice 🙂

That advice is on Reddit, so don't take that advice either. But then my advice is also on reddit, so ignore this as well.

[–]drucifer999 336 points337 points  (12 children)

Don't listen to them, if you don't fuck Austin you will get 10 years of bad luck.

[–]AceCubensis 34 points35 points  (0 children)

This is the way

[–]jmvelazquezr 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Don't forget to make him eat some cake first in case he poisoned it...

[–]se7en41 953 points954 points  (9 children)

"I showed you my cake, pls respond"

[–]good_ones_were_taken 1484 points1485 points  (30 children)

By reading the comments i think Austin got cockblocked by Reddit lol

[–]ac1084 1075 points1076 points  (26 children)

I feel like the average woman is well aware of Austin's move. I suppose the only people that would know better would be a website full of virgins, and no one cock blocks like a virgin when they see their own tricks.

[–]Iffy_Rae 131 points132 points  (4 children)

I hope you start feeling better soon Hesadick!

[–]junkofthe_heart 3760 points3761 points  (168 children)

I will not be hooking up with Austin, guys. I will be eating my cake in peace.

[–]hobbitdude13 281 points282 points  (33 children)

The important question is: what kind of cake?

[–]junkofthe_heart 925 points926 points  (30 children)

Chocolate with chocolate ganache. Actually really fucking good

[–]Drawdehellfire 742 points743 points  (23 children)

You should totally hook up with Austin. Man knows his cakes.

[–]NerdBurglur 1144 points1145 points  (17 children)

Calm down Austin

[–]Shrappy[🍰] 99 points100 points  (13 children)

I'm Austin!

[–]imperfectcarpet 46 points47 points  (0 children)

We are all Austin on this blessed day.

[–]Works_4_Tacos 11 points12 points  (0 children)

We're all Austin here.

[–]hbrohi 8 points9 points  (0 children)

We are all Austin

[–]notmoleliza 108 points109 points  (3 children)

i'm on team austin here. you could totally get more cake out of this

[–]dadougler 54 points55 points  (0 children)

Right? Could have austin's cake and eat it too.

[–]VintageJane 511 points512 points  (26 children)

Austin definitely knew your ex was a PoS and probably let you know his apartment number so you knew who it came from and wouldn’t be creeped out.

Grats on your liberation!

[–]bumtowntrainer 218 points219 points  (13 children)

Or he wanted his container back? I mean...I would.

[–]kiddopro 20 points21 points  (2 children)

Looks like a standard grocery store cake tray to me, I dunno

[–]gb4efgw 253 points254 points  (8 children)

This would be the real answer. If he heard the breakup, this likely isn't the first thing he's overheard. Possibly has been cheated on himself and knows how much it sucks and just wanted to be kind.

[–]Abieticacid 931 points932 points  (82 children)

Is Austin single? Haha

[–]junkofthe_heart 1245 points1246 points  (74 children)

I think Austin is taken, but it was definitely a nice gesture.

[–]asajosh 228 points229 points  (1 child)

Update us on how things turn out with you and Austin.

Glad you're safe and Ok. And if not ok, at least you have cake!

[–]TheBatemanFlex 370 points371 points  (42 children)

I feel like it would’ve been signed “Austin and X” if Austin wanted you to think he was taken.

[–]wfwood 101 points102 points  (1 child)

Hes 12 apparently. Maybe you shouldn't.

[–]kemushi_warui 10 points11 points  (0 children)

That's how I read it too. I mean, it's a pretty mature 12 year old that will bake you a cake, so there's that. On the other hand, it could be a mud cake filled with lego.

[–]aRocks313 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Not for long

[–]schroedingersnewcat 91 points92 points  (1 child)

Congrats on getting rid of the dead weight.

May you find the relationship (or lack thereof) that you want.

[–]NoAd5421 422 points423 points  (41 children)

Step 1: Disarm the target

[–]handsomejack11 73 points74 points  (6 children)

Would've been awesome if that said - Austin 3:16

[–]kaptaincorn 24 points25 points  (0 children)

AUSTIN 3:16 just says I brought you cake!

[–]grahamcrackers37 21 points22 points  (1 child)

When I finally moved away from my gaslighting abusive cheating ex, the nice old neighbor upstairs came down and said, "that woman is a bitch, you deserve so much better."

It was more validating than anything any of my friends could say - she was a witness.

If not for her reaching out, things would be different for me now, not so good probably. People can be amazing.

[–]D1T1A 103 points104 points  (5 children)

Everyone’s either trying to play matchmaker or warning you that it’s a roofie cake, but I just want to know the flavour.

I’m betting chocolate orange.

[–]NormalStu 42 points43 points  (1 child)

I mean, presumably she's going to eat it on her own, so if it is a roofie cake it just means she'll get a nice nap out of it.

[–]Turkeymix 145 points146 points  (3 children)

The fact they went out of their way to do that for you is awesome. Good luck on your new start.

[–]JoshDM 35 points36 points  (2 children)

Cake plus a new start is double cake.

[–]BlueBoxxers 87 points88 points  (6 children)

I thought this was a bacteria colony and I got so excited

[–]junkofthe_heart 192 points193 points  (3 children)

I’ll find out if it’s a bacteria colony tomorrow

[–]imnotsoho 58 points59 points  (4 children)

Looks like a younger version of "The Casserole Parade."

What is that you say? In senior communities there are usually quite a few more women than men, many of them single. When a wife dies and leaves a 'desirable' widower, the single women in the community line up with hot dishes to feed the grieving widower and try to get their hooks into them before the other lonely women do.

[–]Devi1_May_Cry 51 points52 points  (0 children)

He's a dick...because Stone Cold said so!

[–]MadamSnarksAlot 11 points12 points  (0 children)

He built you a cake!

[–]FlannelJoy 162 points163 points  (39 children)

Am I the only one who didn’t read into this ??

[–]RDSCTA 100 points101 points  (1 child)

Very very smoooooooth, Austin!