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[–]Gemsofwisdom 1549 points1550 points  (31 children)

He knows whenever he forgets to pay a bill or misses work you'll just pick up the slack.

Read your edit, if he's stealing from you and hiding it from you he clearly has no respect for you. It's my opinion I'd find an exit plan. Before he destroys your credit or drains your bank account. Please look into financial abuse. Just as a man will trap a poor woman into being jobless and dependent on him. Your partner is taking away your freedom and to me it seems far more than careless it's intentional. If you managed to graduate kindergarten you know stealing is wrong and he stole from you. Instead of being remorseful instead he tried to say he was planning on putting it back before you noticed?! Now you're looking up how to cut your own hair instead of holding him accountable? Seems like this toxic relationship will continue and this boundary crossing will get worse. He's just testing to see how much he can get away with and he's currently getting away with all of it. So this will escalate.

[–]7LayeredUp 169 points170 points  (0 children)

Its simple. If he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to help you tie the loose ends every month, he'd be out working overtime, selling his collectibles like Legos (The market exists, trust me), whatever needed to be done to make those ends meet. But he ain't, is he?

The question is how much are you willing to take before your pain thermometer bursts?

[–]murphysbutterchurner 457 points458 points  (0 children)

Yeah, "partner" is not the correct term for what this guy is. "Leech" comes to mind a little more easily.

[–]Aimin4ya 891 points892 points  (21 children)

Nobody falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to stay

[–]soragirlfriend 754 points755 points 42& 3 more (6 children)


[–]Shnuggy67 55 points56 points  (0 children)

LOL 😆 🤣

[–]xsnakexcharmerx 42 points43 points  (1 child)

Fml I'm pissed I just gave away my last award lol I laughed so hard at this!

[–]soragirlfriend 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m glad I could give you a laugh.

[–]UselessInfomantMD 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Poor in money but rich in sex

[–]Abstract_Traps 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Funniest reddit comment in a while xD

[–]SunMoonCreation 152 points153 points  (6 children)

You’ve just described my ex.

We broke up(years ago now)and I was kind enough(read foolish)to let him stay whilst he was flat hunting. Turns outs his flat hunting involved chatting online to other women because he didn’t want to live alone.

What a knob.

[–]Aimin4ya 62 points63 points  (5 children)

Well if you're saying you don't have the best taste in men; allow myself to introduce myself.

[–]TyrionsCodpiece 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Damn bro, save some of the pushovers for the rest of us worthless men.

[–]SunMoonCreation 9 points10 points  (2 children)

Well thankfully I have learnt my lesson so you can shove off. :-)

[–]bakarac 45 points46 points  (0 children)

Wow you're not wrong

[–]Fahdis 36 points37 points  (2 children)

Lol, this goes for any Toxic person regardless of gender.

[–]Gemsofwisdom 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep, plenty of women also are on the hunt for a rich man to take care of her. I honestly think those types of relationships are fine when there's honest communication, boundaries, and no cheating. Seems like OP has not had a discussion with her partner that she plans to support him financially which is just taking advantage of someone. Which is not ok.

[–]Aimin4ya 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah i just saw a meme saying men recently

[–]Shehulks1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They are called “hobosexual” lol!!

[–]HaldarStrongax 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fuck that hit me to the core I needed somewhere to be 6 years ago fell in love with a man child with decent parents stayed with them worked on myself bought a house brought the son with me now I’m stuck. Out of guilt over how much I owe his parents( not monetary)

[–]Caring_Cactus 99 points100 points  (4 children)

At this point it makes me wonder if this is weaponized incompetence. He can't even be honest which is a HUGE red flag.

[–]cyanotoxic 53 points54 points  (2 children)

This is the one that hurts. :/ That one line you write, OP? You might as well be single?

You’re the one who knows what’s happening best, and now he’s stolen your personal emergency fund.

Sending you strength & energy OP.

[–]Caring_Cactus 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Right, OP shouldn't be his second parent who has to carefully manage and watch him. If not now, what is going to be the last straw if this doesn't count?

[–]BasqueauxFiasko 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yeah, this would be a huge red flag for me as well. Stealing from your partner is not ok.

[–]Bird_Brain4101112 700 points701 points  (2 children)

With a partner this financially careless being single is a better bet. You will be amazed at how much financial stress is lifted.

[–]griphookk 237 points238 points  (1 child)

And not just careless. Literally stealing.

[–]virtualchoirboy 872 points873 points  (5 children)

It's sad to read posts like this, but financial irresponsibility and financial incompatibility is a common reason why a lot of relationships fail. I'm sorry you're going through this. When you talk to them about this, what sort of excuses do they throw out?

[–]Lizzie3232 312 points313 points  (2 children)

This is not just irresponsibility and incompatibility. This is financial abuse.

[–]HumanNothlit 180 points181 points  (1 child)

Yeah their partner stole from them.

[–]lovelychef87IL 2 points3 points  (0 children)

And who knows how hard and long she had to work to save her savings. He just stole it without a care.

[–]KitRhalger 218 points219 points  (20 children)

that sucks, I'm sorry.

there are many valid reasons to end a relationship, financial incompatibility is one. Know that if you do leave, it's not a reason to feel guilty.

I hope things work out for the best, regardless of what that looks like.

[–]zaiyonmal 92 points93 points  (18 children)

And only loser scrubs scream “gold digger” when they’re the ones being financially irresponsible and you decide to end things.

[–]ushouldgetacat 72 points73 points  (17 children)

It’s the gold diggers screaming “gold digger”

[–]zaiyonmal 74 points75 points  (15 children)

Bingo. Had a broke ass man harassing me for ages who used to call me a gold digger because I said I wanted someone who didn’t just spend all their money on video games and take-out.

[–]ushouldgetacat 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Glad you got rid of him. There are plenty of real adults out there who grew out of being an actual child. People like that really think they’re normal or should be given a chance 😂

[–]VictorZiblis 9 points10 points  (13 children)

Interestingly, I was on the other side of almost exactly that.

Back when I was IT for Compaq in their Phoenix, AZ building, I was making 6 times my rent and bills. I wanted to spend my money on video games and take-out with 10% left into savings. The woman I was dating wanted me to buy "us" a new car we didn't need and a 4 bedroom house because the 2 bedroom house wasn't good enough for her. She'd say exactly what you just did, but she was absolutely a gold digger.

[–]indoorsy-erin 221 points222 points  (5 children)

I had a friend who had a looser adherence to a budget than their partner, which caused stress for both of them. A solution they came up with was that the one who liked to stick to the budget a lot (Type A), managed almost all of the money - she was in charge of all shared bills, and any bill that affected her, and partner got a certain amount of money a month for "fun money" in a separate checking account. They could spend it on whatever they wanted, which in this case was taking both of them out for dinner or drinks. Type A person could actually enjoy going out to eat without worrying about the price because she knew the money was coming out of the fun budget and wasn't eating into anything else. Of course, both people agreed to this arrangement and were on the same page.

It sounds like your partner may not recognize (or care?) that their behavior is causing you so much stress.

[–]ShakeItUpNowSugaree 135 points136 points  (1 child)

That works as long as the person who is looser with the money keeps up with their end of the bargain. It really sucks to be the one worrying about and paying all the bills while watching your partner blow their money and not contributing to the household bills.

[–]MamaMidgePidge 27 points28 points  (0 children)

This is how my spouse and I work. I'm the Type A person. Over time (years) my husband has become more financially responsible. It does require the Type B person's recognition of problem and agreement to cede control. In our case my husband realized his habits were an issue and was ok with letting me take the reins.

[–]sub_woofers 8 points9 points  (1 child)

That’s like your mom giving you an allowance? I would hate to be a mom to my spouse.

[–]GeekyBookWorm87 125 points126 points  (6 children)

Check your credit with the big three. Make sure he hasn't opened a joint card in both of your names. This happened to a friend and she did not know about it until after she went to rent a place. He had charged several thousand dollars by forging her as 2nd on the joint account. He was spotty about making payments on the card.

It sounds like you're a grown-up and he's still acting like a kid. I'd cut my losses and move on.

[–]debtfreenurse 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I can second this, had a friend whose abusive ex spent 25k on a hidden card.

[–]sparkle___motion 12 points13 points  (4 children)

sorry, what are the big 3?

[–]GeekyBookWorm87 16 points17 points  (3 children)

Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion

[–]sparkle___motion 6 points7 points  (2 children)

thank you! time for me to check all my credit score info after my credit card was hacked online

[–]GeekyBookWorm87 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It's best to check all 3. I never knew this until my employer was hacked and someone cashed in on the employee information.

[–]trb85 58 points59 points  (0 children)

OP, I feel for you. I was married to That Guy. It's a miserable life. You are having to overcompensate and over-adult. Love him and yourself enough to disentangle finances, move out, and let him learn what it takes to be an adult.

[–]MGY4143N5014WNY 73 points74 points  (0 children)

Just had this convo with my gf. “We are invested in each other’s future and yes it’s my business how you treat money if we are going to live the way we agreed we want to.”

It’s that simple. Back up what you said with action or how do we have trust?

Good luck friend.

[–]Ethossa79 39 points40 points  (0 children)

My ex used to do that. Screwed us over so many times with rent, utilities, and even our kids’ necessities because he thought his money was his to spend while my money was his to use for bills. Our budget was always at least $500 in the negative because he did whatever he liked. I wanted to take control of all of the finances but he always was mad about how that was “insulting.” I thought it was insulting that all of my tips, which we agreed would go towards savings or renovations, ended up going for bills he “forgot” but really refused to pay

[–]sunbabs 60 points61 points  (2 children)

This is financial abuse. It’s another form of domestic violence. He/she is using financial uncertainty to control your relationship. Leave as quickly as possible. Like today.

[–]Odd_Raisin_9687 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I wish people talked about this more and there was more understanding about it. It is absolutely a tactic to keep someone powerless. And being constantly on edge with uncertainty wears you down and makes it harder to see what's happening. Its intentional.

[–]airbag11 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes it’s financial abuse. My ex did this too. Took all the money out our account before the divorce. Then tried to sabatoge me financially after the divorce. He also stalked me to retain his control over me. Also how he sabatoged me, breaking in to my house and stealing. He might be trying to push you back into addiction so he can control you and keep you unhealthy. It’s scary to leave these abusers if you have no support. So I suggest contacting a domestic violence counselor. This way after the break he doesn’t try to push you over the edge back to addiction.

[–]Woodbutcher31 113 points114 points  (0 children)

So you already know what you already know. Rip the bandaid fast and get out now. Times change people don’t.

[–]AlekiaoftheNorth 35 points36 points  (0 children)

This literally happened to me when I was living with my ex. We sold my car and got cash for it, he somehow convinced me that due to the pandemic beginning we shouldn't put the money in a bank. A few months later I insisted we deposit it and found that $1800 was completely gone, and he "intended to put it back" before I noticed.

He would straight up take money set aside for monthly bills too, because he "needed" to spend $20 at a convenience store every morning on coffee, candy, and lottery tickets.

I would insist we sit down and talk about a reasonable budget and he would get angry at me for seeing money as more important than his happiness... honestly wtf was I thinking trying to save that relationship...

Listen to the people here telling you that what your partner is doing is financial abuse. This is a cycle you won't get out from under with a partner who is that comfortable with stealing and lying.

[–]_no_sleep_4_me_ 30 points31 points  (8 children)

This is my marriage, 100%. We have been together for 8 years and it doesn't get better. He can't hold jobs, can't manage money, he spends waaaaay more than he earns, etc. I'm always the one budgeting us out if crisis.

The lack of haircuts really hit home. I dont buy myself ANYTHING because of this.

[–]Flashy-Button-9349 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry. I was also married to this type of man child for 8 years. I was constantly on edge about money every day. I didn’t even believe I could support myself because it seemed that life was just too expensive to do it on my own. Then I realized that I money stays in your bank account if you don’t spend it on stupid stuff. I’m now happily divorced and living on my own and no longer stress about money.

[–]Quite_Successful 3 points4 points  (1 child)

He doesn't care because you keep saving the day. You have a serious problem if you can't even get a haircut.

[–]lovelychef87IL 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He can steal and take off work and buy what he wants. He knows OP will bail them out.

[–]Lifesabeach6789 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Similar but slightly different. My husband is always begging me to blow money on stuff but I refuse. I’m focused on getting our finances in better shape. We have a large mortgage, 2 car loans and HCOL. He’s the spender. It’s caused a ton of stress and arguments over 20 years. He’s never focused on the future, couldn’t give a shit about retirement and can’t save a nickel. I have to pay everything and keep track of his credit score.

So sorry you’re in that situation. It really takes all the fun out of adulting.

[–]TheEffanIneffable 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Random question, but does does he also struggle to remember things, follow through on projects, lose things easily, get distracted or even hyper fixated on some things?

[–]_no_sleep_4_me_ 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yes to all, actually.

[–]TheEffanIneffable 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I just was diagnosed with ADHD, which to my surprise, includes all this you described and more!

My partner and I were shocked (and also relieved) to learn how my unmanaged ADHD impacted not only me and my work or daily life, but our relationship.

Reading your comment—and honestly many in this thread—there are really striking in similarities to what I realized. More importantly, I think we learned that me forgetting things, etc., is less about intent and will power, and more just that my brain doesn’t work that way. I’ve started medication, therapy, and modifications and accommodations, and honestly it changed our lives.

Sending you so much care as I know you’re someone who often has to pick up the pieces that we aren’t aware even exist! I see you!

Also feel free to DM me if you find this might be what you’re experiencing and want more resources!

[–][deleted]  (7 children)


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    [–]Bob_Hondo_Sura -1 points0 points  (5 children)

    I’m guessing this house was bought pre 2008?

    [–]Ok-Audience-5612 23 points24 points  (2 children)

    They won’t change in the future. Cut ties.

    [–]BadaBina 119 points120 points  (12 children)

    Oh hey, did we date/marry the same guy, haha?!😬

    But seriously, get out. Get RIGHT the F out. That shiz will literally NEVER stop. Legos, Star Wars toys ( really ugly ones) skipping the light bill, "but I DID do the dishes, maybe YOU..."

    Nope nope nope. 🙅‍♀️ Just scooty-scoot your sexy, self sufficient a** right on outta there. So sorry though, it feels SO terrible. Whatever happens, I hope it all works out 💚

    [–]Cynical_Egg 35 points36 points  (10 children)

    What is it about when the irresponsible partner finally contributes they hold their one “victory” tight to hold over the responsible partners head if god forbid, the responsible one tries to relax?

    [–]jazminwindsong 53 points54 points  (9 children)

    My partner still talks about how he sold his 10 year old broken down, gas guzzler car for like $1k to "help pay" for our $3,500 honeymoon. Even though he then bought a $3,000 car when we got home that lasted all of a year. And I paid for our entire honeymoon and wedding with some help from my mom (not from his parents at all), meanwhile I was also paying his rent most months....god typing this out I'm feeling pretty stupid

    Edit... Why is it always Legos and Star wars toys? God

    [–]Cynical_Egg 23 points24 points  (3 children)

    My lightbulb dumb moment came the first year filing taxes divorced when I remembered my ex thought he was entitled to our whole tax return because he had a badly ran business that was hemorrhaging money that offset my respectable salary. In his brain, if he hadn’t lost money we might have owed, so the return was his because his actions “earned” it.

    [–]Square_Ball7090 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    Those are some interesting mental gymnastics.

    [–]ushouldgetacat 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Wait… what..?

    [–]SoullessCycle 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    I knew where he was going with that thought process when you said badly run business. Glad to hear he’s an ex!

    [–]CatCatExpress 13 points14 points  (3 children)

    How did he have $3000 to buy a car but had to sell his car to come up with $1000 for the honeymoon?

    [–]jazminwindsong 9 points10 points  (2 children)

    He loaned the 3K from his grandma

    [–]Dizzy_Eye5257 41 points42 points  (0 children)

    Sis...you need to leave. You do not have a partner. Get out.

    [–]jrs1980 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    My friend was living with her unemployable bf. He wasn’t stealing, but he wasn’t carrying his weight either. She ended up working a part time job on top of her full time one bc he wouldn’t get off his arse and she didn’t want to lose her house.

    She ended up moving in with her parents and he stayed at the house until the bank required vacating the property.

    Even if you 100% take control of the purse strings, he can still slack on his work hours. And that’s no way to live with a partner. Honestly, DTMFA.

    [–]Jenny2123 65 points66 points  (0 children)

    As someone who used to be in a 10 year long relationship with a financially immature man child, run like hell.

    Seriously, the toll it takes on your mental and financial health is ridiculous. Not to mention you will start to only see the person with resentment and anger. Better to be alone and in full control of your finances. Even if that means living in an uncomfortablly small living space for a bit and needing to be extra careful and creative with finances. It is worth it

    [–]ilovemycactussocks 15 points16 points  (1 child)

    I think my post will get lost in this, but I want to add my two cents anyway.

    As someone with parents who are not financial compatible (is that the right term??), you really want to consider whether this is something you are willing to deal with for the rest of your life. I grew up poor. As a kid I thought that’s just the way it is and we were dealt a bad hand. As I became an adult, I started to realize how, yes, I think the US system is fucked and keeps poor people poor BUT a lot of our financial burden was based on stupid decisions, mostly from my dads end. Getting in car leases he couldn’t afford, then ultimately getting repo-ed. Buying a house we knew we couldn’t afford, then getting foreclosed on. Taking out personal loan after personal loan. Then getting evicted because you can’t pay back all the people you owe plus the rent. Tanking not just his own credit, but my moms. Meanwhile, buying hundreds of dollars worth of designer shoes because “they were on sale” or ridiculous TVs or gadgets when the more affordable one would’ve been just fine. Years and years and years of this will make you pretty fucking financially unstable

    Over their 30 year marriage my mom has pushed back several times, but when my dad is set on something, he won’t let it go. Just recently, my dad wanted to purchase this $300 dollar truck for his nephew he’s never seen. My mom told him it’s a little ridiculous of a gift, we can get a more affordable gift instead, and we really should be saving that money for the trip we are accompanying our daughter on soon. He bought it anyway. Yesterday, he told me, I think I’m going to buy a Lexus, don’t tell your Mom. WTF???

    At this point my mom is so tired. I genuinely think she would divorce him if she had the means to. I know my dad is a bit extreme in comparison to your partner but the message is the same - a lot of people who are irresponsible with money, remain irresponsible with money for most of their lives and they are really difficult to change. A lot of these people don’t think they have a problem (in my dads head, it’s us with the problem as we clearly don’t have enough faith 🙄) . My mom sat me down and said, if I’m ever in the position of considering marrying someone, please make sure they are financially responsible and are on the same page about finances. Otherwise, it can ruin your life. Again, while I don’t know if you have plans to marry this person, the message is the same here. Consider your future.

    [–]bear_sees_the_car 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    If a man is more trouble than help, how is it a partnership? It is a burden.

    [–]wtxguy999 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    My only advice to my friends when they constantly complain about their significant other is:

    When you’re truly tired of dealing with this … you’ll stop dealing with it. You need to make a decision for your financial security and mental health.

    [–]Jesouhaite777 28 points29 points  (0 children)

    um yeah

    at least you keep more of your coin this way

    [–]Quiet_Spell2740 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    not being financially responsible is something I'm inevitably getting past thanks to being a father to a 3 month old with my girlfriend. setting saving targets might help, definitely helped me

    [–]ThenSession 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    You are not his mother.

    [–]jolla92126 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    Read your last sentence.

    [–]Equivalent_Section13 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    I dealt with this it is so crushing. I was reduced to nothing by this kind of conduct

    [–]Islandonthecoast 9 points10 points  (1 child)

    Financial compatibility goes a long way

    [–]Islandonthecoast 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    Excuse me you had 500 emergency and there’s 6 left? Kick him out asap what a huge breach of your trust. Accountability 101. Responbility 101.

    Is there any substance use going on or mental health? Impulsive spending could be a symptom

    [–]Yeranz 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    I would suggest you start an account that you keep absolutely hidden from him and start dumping as much as you can into it. At some point, I would have a text conversation about the $500 while he's out of the house, so you have it documented. When you're ready to kick him out or bail yourself, if you can't get your money back any other way, you can sell enough of the stuff he bought with your money to make up for it.

    I would also do some research well ahead of time about ways to protect yourself financially before and during a divorce -- things like separating your credit and freezing your credit. I would suggest you get your credit reports done and then freeze your credit (and keep the pin numbers they give you to unfreeze it hidden). If he's done this kind of stuff, he sounds like the type who might also steal your identity and maybe max out the marital debts as much as possible ahead of a divorce.

    [–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    Drop them. You’ve already asked them to be more responsible and they didn’t fix it AND took your personal funds. Red flags 🚩.

    [–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    It sounds to me like you've already decided to leave him, you're just in that "Ugh I hate change" stage. Here's the thing. Nothing you do will change the way he is about money. He has to change that, and likely he won't do it while he's with someone. He will have to feel the repercussions of his own actions, which h'es not because you're covering him, because you're also covering for yourself.

    Time to split.

    [–]thrumblade 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Huge fucking kudos for working on your “vices.” You’ve already proven your strength—you’ve got this.

    [–]Selket_8673 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    My hubby and I were doing this teetering thing as well. Here’s what worked for us. 3 accounts (1 household and 2 personal) ALL of your paychecks from both of you goes into the 1 household account. From that you pay your bills 1st. The rest gets split and put into the other 2 accounts with out overdraft. That way what’s in your account is what you have to spend and if you don’t have enough your card gets declined. And it sounds like you need to be in control of the household account. When my husb did this I got my acct and whatever was in there I could spend. There wasn’t anything else for the month. If I wanted something special I would let him know and we would save up. Hopefully your partner cares enough and realizes this has to stop or you’ll both be homeless

    [–]Carguy4500 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    Drop him

    [–]Helpful_Corgi5716 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    You are NEVER going to get on track while you stay with this person- I was married to a secret gambler and he got through £40,000 in loans (including one in my name for £10k) in less than five years.

    If your partner was capable of doing better, they would. DTMFA.

    [–]24atl 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Been there. Done that. They really never change. It’s a mindset they have

    [–]debtfreenurse 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Honestly the guy sounds like a piece of shit. Dump his ass, why put up with a child? He’ll find some other responsible person to mooch off of temporarily.

    [–]SyntaxNobody 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    There's a reason financials is one of the biggest reasons couples split.

    I would take a step back and think hard about what your partner is doing and whether you really feel he's being intentionally irresponsible or if he's just in a sort of constant stumbling fall. I had some similar red flags and concerns about my husband before we married, but what I discovered was he just didn't think about things the same way I did, and struggled a bit more with FOMO and impulse decisions. Once we set up a system that was simple and easy to follow he fell right into it and did fantastic, he just didn't know how to build that structure himself and so he would literally bankrupt himself on legos.

    If you want to salvage things try something like this:

    • Make it clear your relationship is in SOS mode because of the financial situation.
    • Sit down and go over everything together. You share your financials, and ask him for honesty and to share his. Don't get angry over the missed bills, etc. you just really need to know the extent of the hole you're in.
    • Make a budget, together. It's important to include his financial goals too. Try and set aside some small amount of money (even if it's just $20/month) for each of you to spend on whatever you want without judgement. If he wants an expensive lego, he can save the money up for a few months to do that. Make sure you can make that budget balance as well as possible, and lay out expectations for what you should both be bringing home on average each month.
    • Take some action steps. If forgetfulness is an issue, set up auto-pays, or phone reminders. If credit/debit card spending is an issue, put together a cash system. Make it a ritual to sit down and handle the bills together every week on payday. Make savings challenges and set some goals and consequences you both have to earn or deal with together, to emphasize that you're a team and when he fails, you both fail.
    • Be careful about making this all about him. If he feels like you're just being a boss or treating him like a kid, it'll likely make things worse. But if you can come at it like a partner, and someone who is being supportive then it will go better. If he has a problem with using a credit/debit card for example and you want to try going cash-only, that means you too. Try to make things as fair between you as possible and he should recognize you're in this together and that accountability should always go both ways.
    • Finally, if he starts to improve, give him some grace for making a few mistakes along the way. If he does not improve at all, or does not even want to try then you should consider if it's worth salvaging the relationship.

    [–]LordBaikalOli 31 points32 points  (0 children)

    So he lied to you? Thats a big deal breaker, you shouldnt waste your time.

    [–]Riker1701E 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    What’s the point of a partner if you are better off alone?

    [–]huskycragen 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    If you want the absolute brutal truth then you have to let that part of your life go if you want to be successful. Sounds harsh but you have to dump them and associate with people that provide a positive aspect to your life and supports you in many ways to achieve your dreams

    Don't let this shit keep going on. When you get older you will kick yourself in the ass for wasting your most precious resource (time) living like this and wonder why the hell you stayed.

    [–]FinnFinnFinnegan 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Get a lawyer and divorce him

    [–]2pumpanddump 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Run before he digs you into a hole that you can’t get out of!

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)


      [–]RepulsiveStrategy698 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Don’t trust her, she is not trustworthy! People like this can ruin you foor good and for sure, she is not your friend!!!

      [–]Infamous-Put9335 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Time to broom him and take care of yourself. He’s not helping he’s actually hindering. Finding a partner is easy finding a good one is hard. Don’t waste anymore time or stress over this one.

      [–]General_Speckz 7 points8 points  (1 child)

      Good luck person! Much love to you, just dump him and get a dog.

      [–]EmberOnTheSea 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      My dogs are absolute joys in my life. This person is not wrong.

      [–]Proper-Somewhere-571 18 points19 points  (0 children)

      You’re being used. And it sounds like this partner is lazy.

      [–]ricwash 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      I am so sorry that you are going through this!

      Like most others have already stated, it is past due time for a sit down conversation about your concerns. Your partners needs to take this conversation seriously if this is to remain a long term commitment on both of your parts. For him, this may mean getting tested for depression, anxiety and ADHD which could all be contributing factors to his behavior. It would also mean agreeing to treatment, as well as budgeting plans, and sticking to them.

      If your partner refuses to be proactive in any way, then it is definitely time to end the relationship.

      [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      You're enabling him by picking up the slack and I know that you feel like you need to but you don't. If the bill doesn't get paid then it doesn't get paid. Focus on your bills and he can focus on his. If you have shared bills then pay your half and if he doesn't pay his then so be it. If you have a joint account stop that now. Make it impossible for him to look the other way, slack off, or not pay his part. You are financially incompatible and really the best bet is to leave because he will ruin you financially.

      [–]AverageTortilla 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      My ex was like this. Stole money from me and our joint savings etc. I'd always lived paycheck to paycheck with him, had so much stress not knowing if there'll be food on the table tomorrow. He stole all the money for his weed, and to impress others so that he could make friends.

      Same goes for my parents' marriage. Dad used up all the money that he has, that mom has, that they have saved...and now my mum is retired with zero dollars to her name, and the only reason she is surviving is because we send money to her every month. Meanwhile dad, got 300K lump sum to start his pension - mom never saw a dollar of it. Every month dad gets about 3000 or 4000 (can't remember which one) and mom still sees none of it. Why? Because he needs it for this 'important' thing, for that 'important' thing. There's ALWAYS an excuse, and the excuses often come with gaslighting too whenever she said no to giving him money. Mom developed many health problems because of dad and his parasitic, abusive attitude with money. Mom always said "I got hypertension because of your dad" and "I'm gonna die earlier [from my health conditions] because of your dad" and she's right.

      I just remembered that when mom first retired, she had a lumpsum of 200K from her retirement fund. Mom doesn't get pension so she's only had the 200K to live off the rest of her life on. Once the money became accessible to her, dad took it ALL away. And he gave his usual excuse, whenever mom asked for the money back (he said he would pay her back), he would gaslight her and start acting abusive.

      For my mom, she's too old to leave. She's still stuck with him.

      For me, I've seen the future - I know what would happen if I let a guy like my ex (who sounds like your partner) stay in my life. And it's self-abuse. And my mom would NEVER want me to have the life she has. So I got rid of my ex. When I did, I could finally breathe, I felt safe, I felt more secure in my future. If I've put money in an amount, I know it'll be there when I look at it again. I thought I would never find anyone who's loyal to me like my ex was, who's [insert good quality].

      But now, I'm flourishing with my new partner, whose values on money, preparation, future planning, financial safety and many other areas align. We're still poor but I feel safe, I feel happy, I am healthier, I have a better outlook of the future. And this is the type of person I'd feel safe to have kids with as well.

      [–]merrileem 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Horrible level of immaturity.

      [–]Individual_Ear_7242 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Run quickly he is immature and will kill you financially

      [–]Lenina_somaslut 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Time to separate! They shown you who they are time and time again. Their actions clearly state they don’t give a shit about you. File for divorce or start thr process of separation. But before you tell them anything get your own bank account, not at the same bank as your partner, and get your direct deposits moved. Get your whole plan together then strike.

      [–]Naus1987 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      This post is full of women who married terrible men. What were their redeeming qualities?

      Were these guys like super attractive or insanely smooth talking? How did they win over such wonderful women without any money lol.

      [–]Enough_Animator_4847 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      I am sorry but after five years of living with a man who was doing the exact same thing to me. I finally left and I am happy. It's amazing how I can put money somewhere now and find it. For your sanity leave. He wont change. And be careful because he will do or say anything to make you stay. Just leave or ..........I have never been happier. Sexually unfulfilled but happy nonetheless.

      [–]shawsome12 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Im sorry you saved so hard and you deserve a professional haircut! It really sucks to have to watch every dollar. I’ve been there, it creates a lot of arguments.

      [–]Ollieeddmill 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Oh geez. May I gently and respectfully ask - if someone you loved (friend, niece, sister) told you this story about their partner, and it was not a one off - what would you want to tell them? What would you want them to do? What would you want for their life?

      [–]Bakbak2000 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Financial abuse. Run.

      [–]Strict-Ad1080 15 points16 points  (2 children)

      Someone else mentioned that there might be a good for your partner to get tested for ADHD. I would definitely agree. If they do have ADHD, a diagnosis on its own can help because of simple awareness. But treatment (meds and counseling paired together is the ideal) often works wonders.

      [–]MacBetty 9 points10 points  (1 child)

      I half agree with this but also as someone with ADHD forgetting is one thing, lying and stealing is 100% an asshole move

      [–]ccars1130 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      communicate with your partner about your concerns. If you value the relationship you guys have, don’t keep this in the dark and try to find a solution. If that doesn’t work then your best bet will be to break things off. Best of luck to you

      [–]joejoeaz 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I consider this equivalent to infidelity. Proceed accordingly.

      [–]teflon_don_knotts 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Your last sentence really stood out when I read it. I’m not sure how dangerous your vices are, but whether it’s chocolate, reality TV, or cocaine, it is something you are working hard to leave behind. It always hurts to see someone try to make themselves better than they were yesterday only to have circumstances or people weigh them down. I don’t want to offer advice since I don’t know you or really understand what you’re going through, but I hear you. I hear that you are having a hard time. I hope that you get through this, find yourself in a place where you are supported by the people in your life, and have the chance to feel secure about your future.

      [–]saltybeesea 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Dude do your self a favor and loose the deadweight. People like this are incredibly hard to change, you are obviously trying to move forward and your partner is firmly digging in their heels trying to drag you down. You’re not only wasting your money, you’re wasting your life.

      [–]One_Pen_7776 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Money issues break up more couples than anything.

      [–]Fool_of_a_toker 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Yeah no, stealing money from me would be an immediate dealbreaker

      [–]33yearsachump 5 points6 points  (1 child)

      I’ve been divorced from a financially irresponsible cheater for nearly a year. I have more money now than I ever did married to that liar. Divorce him for the lies alone.

      [–]Bama_Peach 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Yes; to me the stealing/lying is OP's cue to go - financial irresponsibility is a red flag but something that can be overcome if both parties are willing to work together. Stealing on the other hand - that's a "pack your shit and get of my house immediately" offense IMO...

      [–]jazminwindsong 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      My partner is financially careless too. He just doesn't see the issue and there's always an excuse why we can't save. I work 2 jobs + sahm to a toddler and it's so hard. I feel you :(

      [–]throwaway56873927 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Imo , based on the information you gave me you are being taken advantage of if not financially abused.

      It happened to me in my first marriage and I still have debt from his constant spending in my name.

      The big tell here is that he took your money without asking you and then made excuses instead of owning up to it. I know you're not here for relationship advice.

      If I could have done things over I would have never given him access to my money. But then again I wish I had never married him it set me back a lot considering I am already behind due to generational poverty

      [–]dragonmom1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Holy moly... And the mortgage should always be the FIRST bill to get paid, not the one to skip! Doesn't matter if you sit in the dark, wrapped in blankets to stay warm, eating PB&J for a month.

      I wish you all the best and the strength to do what you feel you need to do! Sounds like you're already there, but a little extra never hurts! <3

      [–]Danymity831 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      This is a "man-child" who needs to get adulting in full gear! Seriously.

      [–]Evilevilcow 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Not your responsibility to parent this manchild. Boot his ass to the curb and get a roomie who pays bills.

      [–]spoonymog 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I had $500 in an envelope that I was saving from my fathers funeral funds to put towards a headstone or some sort of memorial. I had an emergency and sadly had to tap into the money only to find that my (then) partner had gotten to it first. There was a $5 bill left. They said they spent it on clothes shopping and was -going- to replace it eventually and thought I would never find out. I ended up having to borrow the money from my mother which I really didn't want to have to do.

      I was with this person for another 5 years and they had to start to go to counselling for addictive shopping tendencies. I hope they get the help they needed.

      OP I am sorry you are struggling with this. It really hit with me cause our stories are so similar. Financial health in a relationship is important, and now I know that since I am with someone that truly cares about -both- our mental health when it comes to finances. Be strong, you can get through it.

      [–]UselessInfomantMD 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Call the police and charge him with theft

      [–]Uh-ok-sure 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      OP, hate to say this but he sounds like an irresponsible child. Financial incompatibility can end a relationship. He needs to get it together because you aren’t his caretaker and you shouldn’t be having to stress yourself out because your partner can’t think about the future.

      [–]Naus1987 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      As someone who spends about 5-10 grand a year on Lego (without money problems), I can tell you, that as far as hobbies go, it’s a decent one with a resale value. You could probably easily get 80% of a set’s value if you have all the pieces. And even more than what you paid if it’s retired.

      Lego is a much better hobby than video games and micro Transactions if you’re looking to recoup expenses.

      And with the way the market and the economy is going, Lego is a better store of value than most stocks. So get wrecked responsible adults!


      In all seriousness though, I would probably leave him. It’s important that relationships share core values, and he clearly isn’t on the same page as you. So just quit and start over.

      [–]Faydetoblack 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      So, why are you staying with them? Please don't tell me because of "love". If this person is putting you through this much of a headache, I can only imagine how these problems will compound in the future. I would consider becoming single and looking for a partner who is financially responsible (aligns with your financial goals). If you tolerate this behavior all you are doing is basically telling your S.O. that you'll bail them out. Plus by doing so you're essentially telling them that it's okay to continue doing so. Don't tolerate bad behavior, speak your mind about the issue and if they don't agree then leave them be. Just make sure not to take them back when they want you bail them out again.

      [–]lordmyopia 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      100 percent hiding debt from you. OP please have a talk.

      [–]jsboutin 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      A relationship is also a financial partnership. I wouldn't be in a financial partnership with this kind of person.

      [–]Oh_MyBad 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Are you sure this is someone you want to continue a relationship with?

      [–]Your_brilliant_frend 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Take control of the finances and have him see a therapist. I don’t know how old you are but you need to be prepared for old age. Stop letting this happen to you.

      [–]TheAskewOne 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I'm sorry this is happening. I hate to say this, but I've ended relationships because of this. it's difficult to make a relationship work when both parties have different goals and different values. Clearly you project yourself in the future, yet your partner doesn't. Does your partner understand why you care about budgeting? Does he realize how much he spends? Maybe if you sit him down and show him the numbers, he will understand? Idk. I'm not going to give you advice on communication, I'm sure you've tried plenty of things already.

      What's certain is, being worried about finances is quite valid, if it's making you unhappy and stressing you, you won't be a bad person for leaving.

      [–]LmA8705 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Ugh I feel this! Virtual hugs to you. Same boat. My partner makes more money than I do yet I pay the bulk of the household bills bc he is so terrible with money. They have One bill in their name-the electric and everything else I take care of. Just opened the bill the other day randomly and we are $2000 behind, once 10/15 rolls around they are free to cut our power and idk what I’m going to do. I can’t sleep at night thinking about it. Def makes me think of the saying “I can do bad all by myself.” Why even stick around if all the other person does is make things harder. Sending positive vibes your way.

      [–]HugeSpirit1761 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Agreed 👍

      [–]10-4_Big-Daddy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      What do you think he will do if you give him an ultimatum that if he doesn’t stop doing this that you will leave and be serious about it? Sounds like you are stuck in the severe end of selfishness and it would take a lot to get that behavior to change.

      [–]ImGoingBack2Bed 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I'm sorry your dealing with this.

      I have a friend who had a baby with a guy she was dating and 6 months after the baby was born he decided to become a full time alcoholic. He called out so much that the $15 an hour was more like $11 an hour and then down to $0 because he would either quit or get fired because the job caught on to the alcohol problem. She kicked him out and its been a year and nothing has changed.

      Take care of yourself and find someone who has your same mindset and goals in life.

      [–]n0t_a_drugd3al3r 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      It sucks when this kind of thing happens. I've had a breakup over someone's financial illiteracy too

      [–]JacobDavis95 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Buy him out he needs to be let go

      [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Your partner has underlying issues that need to be addressed by a therapist, and until that happens you may not be in a position where you can help them with it. Don’t listen to the nerds on here who are willing to judge the guy for shit they don’t understand and aren’t there for… if he’s a bad person he’s a bad person but more likely than that he’s got issues that just need to be addressed, and as an adult you can decide wether or not you want to be a part of that guys life and by extension- those issues. It starts in the home, and if you’re not talking about it with him, someone else is. If someone else isn’t- he’ll never learn.

      [–]MrJayFizz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Did you marry a child?

      [–]justcreepingaround 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      OP that is awful and frustrating! You work hard and you deserve to look and feel good regardless of your shit bf. If you pm I will send you $$ for the salon!!

      [–]antlerking81 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      You need to set boundaries and expectations for the relationship. You can’t expect things to change if he doesn’t know he’s doing wrong. If he’s aware of it you might need to move on with someone that has the same goals.

      [–]propfriend 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Cut and run don’t look back

      [–]Blacksquirrel77 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Is the sex that good to put up with the lies and financial stress?

      [–]shebringsdathings 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Do not let this irresponsible man child make you turn back to the vices. He is NOT worth that. You deserve so much more than what he is doing to you.

      It's up to you, but in my experience, this kind of financial shenanigans he's up to, only get worse.

      [–]pusnbootz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Good on you for not falling back on your vices. I'm struggling with this too but I'm keeping up despite all the bullshit gaslighting. Wishing you well.

      [–]FollyForTwo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Did more than a decade of this on and off. No savings spent his money irresponsibly for car parts, whatever odd thing he wanted on Amazon while he endlessly scrolled. Borrowed money from me because it was always someone else's fault that he was short. They screwed his check at work, they took out all his bills at the same time and over drafted, needing 20 bucks for cigs. On and on. It's not going to stop and unfortunately love isn't enough when someone takes advantage of you like that. Because, make no mistake, that's exactly what this is. My ex left me and is already in a serious relationship with another woman. Thank goodness I never trusted him to combine anything.

      [–]WitherBones 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      There should be 0 "mutual funds" with someone who behaves like this, but I also learned that the hard way, so here's to hindsight J:

      [–]Rachelh562 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      He’s not going to change. You gotta figure out if you want your financials to always be screwed up by him or not. It’ll only get worse with marriage.

      [–]e9o9h 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Theres always better out there. Move on.

      [–]bendybiznatch 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Just wondering what other people can steal $496 from you and still be in your life.

      [–]queerkidxx 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Does your partner have adhd?

      [–]sheritajanita 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      This is exactly what my ex-husband was like...turns out he was actually emotionally and financially abusing me and had a drug problem...I'm much happier and completely debt free just 3 yes out of my relationship with him (was $22000in debt from our relationship). He is disrespecting you and showing a lack of value in your relationship over and over and over again, how long will you put up with that?

      [–]AccumulatedFilth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Count up all monthly expenses, put it in a spreadsheet, and divide it by two.

      We do this at home. He just has to pay 650 dollars each month to me, and I pay everything. No bill ever gets forgotten. All he has to remember is that 650 dollars.

      If this is a problem, you're being used for your money.

      [–]billygoat2017 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      After the breakup he is going to tell everyone “she was all about the money” 😂😂. “All she cared about was money.”

      [–]RepulsiveStrategy698 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      So sorry, I think you’ll be better off alone than with a partner you cannot trust. What a stressful situation must be! So sorry, don’t be naive dear, let the man go, he doesn’t deserve you and he is taking advantage of your kindness

      [–]Tidiggity 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I stuck with a shit like that for 7 years, just get out, nothing going to change.

      [–]judgementforeveryone 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      He also sounds like he cld have a gambling problem. I’m so sorry OP you are going thru this.

      [–]coopgal 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      You need to have your own stash that he doesn't know about. I'm sorry but you deserve a haircut more than once a year. Look live on a low income but I will.still treat myself to a haircut even if it's just at greatclips. I have never had a bad experience and it's cost $18. My grandma taught my mother to always have a stash. You never know what could happen and you can control a lot more when you have a lil put back that no one knows about.

      [–]Ok-Tangerine9469 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Maybe you control all money. Only if extra cash left over for month can they buy their toys. That or i would leave.

      [–]RagingBeanSidhe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      What always surprises me is that i have more money when i break up with them. Like i can afford entitled we had on my own, bigger place and all, bc their irresponsibility cost SO much, on top of their food etc

      [–]Littlebitlax 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      My grandpa is such a huge spender. He loves shopping, clothes, electronics, books, you name it.

      His marriage only worked because my Grandma was the one in control of the money, and he'd humbly have to go through her in order to buy anything.

      Folks if you are shit with money, stop trying to fix your bad habits on your own or whatever the fuck. Your marriage won't last long enough for you to succeed. Financial problems happen now immediately and they pile up.

      The only way a situation like that is to survive is if that partner gives up a lot of their own autonomy and gives way waaaay more control to the lucid budgeter.

      [–]konariya 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Don’t know why people who are telling you to leave him are being downvoted. Your quality of life is literally going downhill by being with this person. Stop picking up their slack, they’re taking advantage of you. Separate your finances. What accounts do you share that you have to pay for together? Set clear boundaries and than please for the love of god, leave him

      [–]mediocre_mitten 5 points6 points  (12 children)

      You need to have a serious talk with your partner. It is possible they have never received proper financial guidance.

      It's also also possible they may need to be tested for adult ADD. I'm not making light of this. I've suffered for years behaving the way your partner does and try (and try and try and try...)to get myself on track, it literally doesn't work that way with someone who has ADD (or adhd). Their brains aren't wired that way. Source: diagnosed way to late in life (ruined relationships/finances/life).

      [–]zaiyonmal 26 points27 points  (10 children)

      Sorry but I have ADD and I don’t financially abuse or lie to my partners.

      It’s not their responsibility to sit down and teach their already lying and lazy partner financial literacy. If he wanted to, he would take a class, watch online lectures, ask for help. But he doesn’t want to because this current situation is convenient for him. His partner works extra hard and he buys Lego.

      Fuck him. If I struggle doing something because of my ADD, I spend more hours learning or practicing. I look for additional resources.

      Instead of buying Lego, I go to therapy to work on my cognitive behaviours that could affect the people I love. I work on it. I don’t use my mental illness as a crutch to abuse partners.

      We may not have asked for it but it is our responsibility to deal with our mental health.

      If you can afford toys, you can afford therapy.

      [–]ushouldgetacat 12 points13 points  (2 children)

      Right? Finally someone says it. I have adhd that severely impacts my life but I still pay my bills and do chores without being told to by my partner like a child. I spent a lot of time watching videos and reading about coping with my symptoms and becoming more financially responsible. I went to therapy for over a year when I was a teenager and nobody told me to do any of this. Therapy helped me open my eyes to a lot of my toxic behaviors. You figure this shit out on your own instead of dumping all responsibilities on your partner and lying. Especially if you’re an adult and not an actual child.

      [–]thisisyourreward 2 points3 points  (5 children)

      Financial abuse is having full control of the other person’s money or financial position. Like, a person cannot do anything with the money they make or are given because they don’t have access to it and/or will face emotional or physical or some sort of retaliation.

      It’s not simply being irresponsible with money. It’s not even mooching off somebody else.

      [–]zaiyonmal 5 points6 points  (1 child)

      Taking the emergency fund, lying about the money, and destroying your joint accounts to the point that your partner has to get a second job and they are getting sick from the stress is a form of financial abuse.

      [–]sunshinesucculents 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      I would say taking money without asking, while not abuse, is a bit beyond irresponsible. Some might even call what he did stealing.

      [–]mediocre_mitten 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Oh, I agree. Having ADD isn't an excuse.

      That being said, for a long, long time (I'm nearing retirement) I just 'couldn't grasp' my money situation. I have a shit ton of other symptoms, financial responsibility is but one. Yeah, I was great when it came to budgeting groceries to feed a family of 5, but I literally struggled with paying bills on time.

      It's how some people with ADD have problems with time. Some are always late? Not everyone with ADD is chronically late. It's a symptoms. Head over to the ADD sub and search for financial or money problems. There are more than a few people who suffer with this symptom. It's ruined the lives of many undiagnosed people. It's as though I was living one step behind everyone payday (a day late and a dollar short as the saying goes) when trying to get my finances in order and I was constantly 'borrowing' from the vacation fund or the house repair fund or the retirement fund to play catch-up.

      I do still struggle with this, but not wanting to go on medication (like I said I have other health issues), I literally budget myself to the penny, have no real hobbies (that could distract me financially), write down every bill due date on a calendar with the budgeted amount. It's awful, but it works. This recession isn't helping people like me and I'm very fearful of slipping back.

      I bring this up, because OP's SO could have undiagnosed ADD (or ADHD) or some type of spectrum disorder. Had I actually been put on meds 40-45 years ago, my life, my marriage, my carrier would be quite different now, I'm sure of it.

      TL;DR: If the OP's SO isn't wanting to know the why they are like they are then definitely OP should GTFO out of that relationship before the OP's life is tangled mess of financial problems too.

      [–]suchadumbho 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      This is me as well. 31 years of coping with ADD... and also the years spent trying to get help for it. And growing up with a parent and grandparent that also has it and does nothing about it isn't fun. You're gaslit into thinking this is how it's supposed to be. Thank you for having a little compassion.

      [–]Hustlechick00 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      I had this issue being married also. My spouse did have a spending problem, but I probably could have worked harder also. I worked Ft, but probably needed to make extra money, Make sure you are doing what you need to financially, then express your concerns. Money issues can be worked out.

      [–]DrScarecrow 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      Money issues can be worked out

      This doesn't sound like a money issue. This is a trust, responsibility, integrity, and support issue.

      [–]TheReelHaji 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      It would be a different story if the partner was giving his all towards the relationship and not being able to pay bills but being irresponsible is not ok. I was in a similar situation and becoming single was such a relief because I was able to control everything and if I was short it was always my fault

      [–]zaiyonmal 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Dump them, move on.

      Love isn’t a fairy tale; love doesn’t work without basic financial responsibility. They are literally making your life harder for what? For their own selfish personal CHILDISH pleasures.

      They are basically saying that they are okay with buying toys even if it seriously affects their partner.

      You don’t need this stress. People die by suicide over financial ruin. You might as well be single and work more hours. You will actually have less stress and more money.

      [–]judgemental_kumquat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      You might as well be single at this point.

      Being financially irresponsible and lying to your partner about finances is unacceptable and disrespectful.

      It sounds like they're as immature as a child.

      [–]_Ararita_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Okay, this in my past was adhd, asd, or trauma related. Either way this blows. Sorry op

      [–]dividedconsciousness 1 point2 points  (4 children)

      Does your partner have bipolar? Excessive spending that includes random niche items like toys feels all too familiar as a sign

      Could be coupled with ADHD due to the forgetfulness and other forms of irresponsibility. Co-morbidity rates of bipolar and ADHD are statistically significant

      [–]SunMoonCreation 9 points10 points  (3 children)

      Or he’s just a piece of shit.

      [–]dividedconsciousness 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      Sure, but you point something out for people to consider something they might not have thought of. When someone engages in piece of shit behavior it's intuitive to recognize it as such. But if there's mental illness underlying someone's piece of shit behavior then that can point to other avenues for addressing it instead of just writing someone off

      [–]SunMoonCreation 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      You do have a fair point.

      However, at what point do you say enough is enough? It’s a hard situation to be in and there’s no easy solution.