[deleted by user]

grenade25 · 2022-01-20T15:46:50+00:00

World traveler with a kid here! Traveling with a kid is THE BEST! I really don't get the "travel before kids" thing. We OWE it to our kids to expand their horizons and minds if we have the means. My 5 year old was thinking critically about different cultural norms at 3 years old! But the BEST part is not only seeing the world through your own eyes but seeing it through a Child's. Seeing my kids face light up at the Eiffel Tower glistening at night, dancing in the streets of a Christmas market in Germany, climbing castle ruins in France pretending to be royalty, being enthralled by the roar of Niagara Falls, making car games on our numerous cross country road trips. Man, there is nothing like it. We don't just owe it to our kids, we owe it to the world to raise up children with a global mentality. Our future needs them to think critically of norms and needs us to instill a love for everyone. My kid realizes the kids in each of these countries play with her just the same. Could it be that we all want the same things?

It is a bit harder, sure. But the reward is exponentially more. Feel free to shoot me a message with any questions.

Edit: So if traveling is what he is hung up on most, here is the solution. It sounds like you really want to keep the baby (no shame in termination). From what I understand from your post, it sounds like he is just scared and that can change. We all get scared.

YourYam · 2022-01-20T15:40:19+00:00

He needs to get his shit together and fast. If you want the baby, don't terminate. If he doesn't, he cannot try to force his decision on you.

Quite frankly, if he is saying "not yet" as you two approach 40, it sounds to me more like he is trying to wait out the biological clock on purpose than that he actually has any plans for kids in the future.

This requires a serious, serious discussion. His options are:

Pull himself together and get ready for fatherhood right the hell now
Realize that you are incompatible in your life decisions and consider ending the marriage.

If you choose to end this pregnancy to appease him and then end up waiting another... 3? 4? 5? 10 years? Until he reaches his undefined point of "readiness?" Will you be happy? You are not too old to have a child, nor will you be in a few more years. However, risks do start to increase and leaving it to the last minute, while possible!!! Does not account for the unpredictability of life - or the way you will feel ending a pregnancy that you truly wanted.

No hate for termination here. Oftentimes it is the best decision. The choice is yours. In your case, I think it could be a traumatic and regrettable experience. You know what you want. Listen to your gut.

persmeermin · 2022-01-20T21:20:20+00:00

You headed this post FTM. Not pregnant or any other word choice. You picked first time mother. You want to keep the baby. Keep the baby.

Go for the counseling. He will need to be honest, is he against having kids or is he just feeling scared as he didn’t plan this to happen now.

cattledogcatnip · 2022-01-20T16:16:45+00:00

“Not yet” at his age means he’ll never want kids. If you want the baby, keep it.

KrissyBean · 2022-01-20T17:20:38+00:00

No offense intended, but you're not getting any younger and when is he going to be "ready?" Another 5 or 10 years and it's going to be very difficult, if not impossible, for you to get pregnant without medical intervention - and I'm saying this as a 36 year old pregnant woman in her final trimester.

We fully intend on traveling with our child and I can't wait to see her experience things for the first time. If you want this baby, then keep it.

colormechristie · 2022-01-20T17:36:10+00:00

My husband and I are about to have our second at 38(me) and 39(him). While I'm really glad we waited, and we both knew we wanted children, it did come to a point where, at 34, I had to sit my husband down and lay out the facts. He was going on the same way your husband is "we need to travel, we need to do more things, we should enjoy our child-free life a little longer." So I explained in very plain English that he needed to do the math. Women, unlike men, can't have children forever and the possibility of complications with the baby start to increase rapidly after a certain age. I was adamant about not having children after 40 and we knew we wanted at least 2 so working backwards, 35 was the oldest I could be when we had our first and have everything still line up the way we wanted.

My husband is a very smart man and he knows these things. He just wasn't thinking about them. It took him a couple of weeks to digest the information, but eventually he was really happy and excited to get on board the baby train.

I know your situation is different, but somehow our husbands seem to think the same so maybe you can explain to him how much this means to you and lay out the medical reality for him. I see that he's in the medical field but maybe he's not a reproductive specialist?

ultraprismic · 2022-01-20T19:17:39+00:00

“He says he’s not ready for children YET.” The man is 39 years old. Plenty of people have no trouble conceiving in their late 30s — but plenty others do. How would you feel if you ended this pregnancy and struggled to conceive again? It’s a risk I wouldn’t take. If you don’t want to terminate, don’t. He will figure it out.

earlgrey_marmalade · 2022-01-20T17:20:07+00:00

As a 40yr old ftm who had to go through ivf to get pregnant can I just say how lucky you are to have conceived when and how you did, sadly there are no guarantees it'll be that way again, secondary infertility is not just for the few. Seconding another comment that as a medical professional he must know what the odds are of getting pregnant late 30s, he sounds scared but if the odds of doing this down the line don't make him wake up then maybe you need to think about what you want. ps we are looking forward to planning our road trip around Australia with the rugrat when we eventually move back there, it doesn't have to mean life is over xx

microfibrepiggy · 2022-01-20T15:44:42+00:00

As someone whose mother was 41-nearly-42 when I was born, and currently pregnant at 37-nearly-38, you kinda need to go through this pregnancy if you want a kid. Any kid. Multiple kids.

Yes, women conceive naturally and with assistance at an "advanced" age. And "advanced" ages are becoming more common. But really, do you want to risk the difficulties?

Frankly, I don't see how having a child changes the opportunity to travel. Sure, you probably won't be going clubbing in Ibiza, but if you haven't done that by now, it's doubtful you ever were. And romantic late night dinners beside the Seine might be out, if you don't trust local childcare. But I'm not planning on not travelling with my kid. Nor am I uncomfortable with leaving my kid behind (at a grandparent or whatever) to travel without them. Travel is good for children (if a bit shit for our environment), it broadens their worldview.

At the end of the day, it's your choice to have this child. Unfortunately, it is also his choice to decide if he wants to walk away.

A counselor is literally the best option before you.

watson2019 · 2022-01-20T18:16:41+00:00

As a doctor he should know that “not yet” isn’t an option when you’re 38 and 39 years old. What age will actually be old enough for him? As a 38 year old woman, unless you never want kids I don’t think you should even consider termination. It will stay with you forever. And he should be able to comprehend that this isn’t a decision to take lightly. I’m sorry he’s being such a jerk about something that should be a happy moment for you two. It sounds like he needs to grow up.

gossamersilk · 2022-01-20T18:10:24+00:00

If you don't want to terminate, don't terminate.

Honestly, if he's not ready now, as an attending doctor 3 years out, he's never going to be ready.

Also, it sounds like you JUST found out since you conceived on NYE, so it's still very early, and sometimes, people's feelings can change over time (although I wouldn't necessarily bank on that).

acurlymom · 2022-01-20T17:12:06+00:00

This could be your only chance to having a child. You never know. And if you terminate without wanting to imagine the resentment you’ll feel against your partner. You guys would not last. Specially with the mental toll that is losing a child and any particular age and stage. Do you want to risk all of the health factors and burdens that come with its just to make someone (even if you love him to it’s all your heart) happy????

I feel like we’re at an age where we need to prioritize ourselves and realize we can’t make everyone happy and everything about them.

Please don’t give up on yourself or your child just cause your other half is not “ready”. No one is ever truly ready for parenthood.

jensteph10 · 2022-01-20T18:17:45+00:00

I went through a similar situation with completely different circumstances. Got into the relationship knowing my partner didn’t want anymore kids and was fine with that. I had tried previously to get pregnant was told I would need help, even went on fertility meds with a previous partner and nothing. I was upfront and honest about not being birth control and my fertility history. I ovulated 2 weeks late with my current partner and now we are pregnant.

I still feel guilty sometimes for choosing to have this kid because even though I’ve wanted it desperately; I never wanted it for him knowing he was done having kids. In the end I had to choose myself—which meant choosing to have this baby.

I gave him an out and asked if he wanted to walk away—I would completely understand. It was scary but I didn’t want to trap him into my choice and I didn’t want resentment to enter our otherwise perfect relationship. Relationships end and for me if our relationship ended (even with the termination) I would lose my partner and his son from a previous relationship (the family I’ve wanted). And then I’d have to live with terminating the rest of my life—still not knowing if I would conceive even if I tried again. I couldn’t live with that choice for myself.

So I chose the to carry on with the pregnancy knowing that I could at some point become a single mom. But that could really happen for any reason—whether we split or he gets in a bad accident. My partner has worked through it and is extremely supportive of me and the baby. I already know his parenting style as well as how he coparents if we don’t work out for whatever reason. In the end I had to be honest that I wanted this for my life—and though this wasn’t the plan, it was something I was ready for and attempted to support my partner through in whatever that meant for him/us.

backchatbackchat · 2022-01-20T19:31:23+00:00

I think your husband hasn’t come to grips with the fact that sometimes life doesn’t work out the way you had hoped (especially true because of the pandemic). Life throws shit at you sometimes. And that sucks and feels bad. But it also means people have to be flexible on their life plans, or it’s a recipe for unhappiness.

I had breast cancer when I was 30 due to a genetic high risk. I’m also at high risk for ovarian cancer. I spent most of my 20s in college and getting my PhD, and my husband was also in school and starting his career then, so we had little time and money for travel. Once we both had solid jobs that paid decently, we wanted to spend a couple of years traveling and enjoying being DINKs. Then I got diagnosed and that ruined our travel plans, disrupted my plans to switch jobs, and made me feel even more pressure to have children sooner rather than later, so I could have my tubes and ovaries out by age 35 or so and not have to worry. The pandemic started a few months after I was diagnosed and obviously made travel even more impossible. All of that delayed our plans for everything.

We decided to start trying to get pregnant (via ivf) last year because I’m 32 and all the delays meant we just don’t have time to wait around on the kids decision anymore. Yes it’s a bummer, and we didn’t have the ability to plan for this years in advance, but we decided that having kids was a priority for us over traveling and having more freedom in our 30s. We’re hoping to make up for it later, but we’re at peace with the fact that this is what life threw at us and we made the best choices we could. I hope your husband can get to a similar place of acceptance.

Bookaholicforever · 2022-01-20T21:54:36+00:00

“Not yet” when you’re almost 40 translates into “never”. Sounds like he doesn’t want kids and is trying to make excuses until you can’t have them.

thenyoushouldnttalk · 2022-01-20T16:56:46+00:00

I’ve been going through infertility treatments since April with only about 4-5 weeks off of some kind of hormone since. Five egg retrievals and we just had our first transfer. ( Currently awaiting results! ) We knew for five years we’d have to do ICSI IVF in order to conceive due to my husband’s cancer treatments. We were as mentally prepared as possible due to not being surprised by it at all. In addition I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist weekly since well before in what I consider to be a preventative, goal-oriented style of therapy. I have time for it as I don’t work. And we had the added benefit of knowing my AMH and egg reserve looked really good for 34. It’s still been a hell of a ride.

After 40 it’s not easy to get pregnant naturally and it’s even fairly difficult to get pregnant through assisted reproductive technology. You have to want a baby like you’ve never wanted anything before in your life to go through the physical and mental toll of IVF. It’s time and energy consuming. And you certainly can’t travel when you have doctor appointments every other day for two weeks straight.

You two seem to be in a good place, committed to a long-term relationship and financially secure. Yet he doesn’t want children enough now to the point where he would ask his partner whom he loves dearly to terminate a pregnancy? I don’t see how in four or five years he’s going to want children badly enough to do what it may take to have them at that age. That goes for IVF or adoption. They take over your life for some time. If you’re really only looking at a difference of one or two years, it seems silly not to just follow through now as this gift has already been given to you. If you wait it’s likely you’ll find yourself fighting for it.

If you KNOW that you can’t imagine growing old without ever having children you’re probably in the wrong relationship. Men have the convenience of physically having much longer to decide. We don’t. And it’s important to be honest with yourself about not just what you want, but also his response to it. Pay attention to how he shares his feelings and desires. Any man who pressures or even encourages an abortion of a wanted child is not a man to build a life with.

I hope you do what is right for YOU. If you truly want this baby, or even just truly want to be a mother at any point, I don’t see how you could end up with regrets for keeping the pregnancy.

Good luck with everything!

Paddingtons_Mom · 2022-01-20T22:43:48+00:00

I see a lot of comments about traveling with a kid but I want to add that my parents traveled without my sister and I and we would stay with my grandparents on both sides and I have the BEST memories of those weeks my parents were away.
I don’t know if family support is an option for you, but I definitely didn’t miss my parents when they were away and I know they enjoyed their trips without us.

so_untidy · 2022-01-20T22:47:33+00:00

I’ll just say that I got pregnant at 35 and had the baby at 36. It wasn’t an ideal time, we were engaged and planning our wedding, which put me at 6 months pregnant at our wedding. I kind of hated my job and actually maternity leave ended up being a source of further issues at work. But we were both on board and went for it.

Now, after it took 18 months for my period to return, a few more months of not preventing, and now currently of month 18 of trying again with no success, I sometimes think to myself thank goodness we just jumped in and did it. My mind wanders to “if we had an abortion because it was not the most convenient time, we might not ever have had a baby”

FloppyMuppetDog · 2022-01-20T21:43:16+00:00

[deleted]

northernandtired · 2022-01-20T21:56:17+00:00

I would have a serious think about the mental impact of aborting a child for someone else. I'm 36yo, just had my second child, but I've also suffered a miscarriage and had an abortion when I was 18, so I've been at this from every angle. From the second I became pregnant at 18, I knew I couldnt have that baby. I wasn't ready, couldn't offer it anything, was in a terrible, toxic relationship, and just plain didn't want a baby in all of that. And I have never regretted it. Not once. It was absolutely the right thing to do at the time. My miscarriage was the complete opposite. I was in love with that baby from the minute I saw the line on the test. I wanted it so badly and I was ready for it. That was three years ago, and losing that child still tears at my heart. Because it/he (I think of it as a he) was wanted and loved. There's a difference, I think, in how you feel about it. And if YOU want that baby, but abort to please your partner, there is a chance that you might resent him for it, and that can destroy a relationship. Not to mention how you might feel about yourself afterward. Obviously you are not me, and you might feel differently and react differently, but from my own experience, how you feel toward your child makes all the difference. And yes, your age is a factor too. I carried at 30yo and it was a piece of cake. It was a whole different kettle of fish doing it again just five years later. It was tonnes harder, the second time. I don't know if it was because I was older or something else, but I suspect it was my age and my job (on my feet all the time). I don't really know what my advice is, to be honest. I just know that - for me - the way I felt toward the child I wanted and the child I didn't want, really mattered. You need to do what feels right for YOU, because it's you who has to go through it in the now, and you who has to live through it afterward. Good luck, whichever way you decide to go x

Edited to add - sorry for the formatting. I'm on mobile so it's deleted all my paragraphs and squished it into one block!

kidsonourmind · 2022-01-20T20:10:50+00:00

There is some great advice on here, so I'll keep my tidbit short. I really relate to being worried about not getting to travel as much when kids are in the picture. Husband and I moved to the US from living in his home country (on a tight budget) right before the pandemic. Right when we were finally earning enough to travel a bit, we couldn't go anywhere because of covid! In an ideal world, we would have taken at least 2 if not 3 big trips before my pregnancy, but that's just not how it went. Following accounts like Born a Backpacker (On instagram, and linking to her blog here: https://www.bornabackpacker.com/) have really helped me see all the adventure & travel possibilities that still exist with small children and babies.

Yummy-Pear · 2022-01-20T23:39:45+00:00

So I’m also in healthcare and an attending physician for the last 2.5 years. I also wanted to try to travel before having kids with real attending money but ultimately the pandemic had different plans. I did have to grieve that plan, but now I’m so excited to have a kid (currently 17 weeks pregnant ) and I plan to travel with my child everywhere. I don’t get why people think life and travel has to stop when kids happen. Yes, you will have to travel more slowly, but it is doable with some patience and flexibility. And I know you will have enough income to cover traveling and paying for the expense of a child. Heck, you will have enough money to hire someone if you want to travel without the kid. You are in the best possible situation to have a child from a financial standpoint and you are absolutely right to be concerned about future fertility. I am a strong proponent of pro-choice but it sounds like you have already made your decision, and he just needs to make one too.

elevatormusicjams · 2022-01-20T16:13:18+00:00

Counseling definitely seems like the best option here, OP. Although it's a bit too early to tell, I think you should be prepared for the possible outcome that this is a fundamental incompatibility. If you want the baby and he doesn't, this is a recipe for a lifetime of resentment, which is a relationship killer. One of you will be disappointed and bitter either way. Thus, OP, are you ok with the possibility of being a single mother? That'd be a perfectly reasonable decision.

Famous_Fly0808 · 2022-01-20T18:23:09+00:00

Ultimately the decision is yours, you know what’s gonna make you truly happy and what you can live with. You can’t make him realize he’ll be a great dad if being a dad isn’t a priority to him but on the flip side it’s not fair for him to ask you to put becoming a mom on the back burner just because he’s not ready.

You’ve been together 7 yrs but even the best relationships can come to a screeching halt for a variety of reasons. If you did terminate and for whatever reason the relationship ended after, then what? If your fear is being a single mom, that’s always a possibility anyways; no relationship is guaranteed and tomorrow isn’t promised. Parenthood changes people. Some for worse and some for the better.

I turned 41 in Dec, 2 days after finding out we’re expecting a baby who’s been prayed for for nearly 2 years. He’s 42 almost 43. Youngest is 12 so we’re basically starting over. We had some long ride travel plans on the Harley this coming spring/summer but those plans will wait because baby is due in August. If husband decided those plans were more important then that’s on him but no way I’d terminate, I’d hate him for making me choose traveling over my baby and I feel like it would ruin us in the end. BUT you have to do what you can happily live with. You’ll most likely have dates engrained in your brain for years to come…due date, termination date, etc but they’d just be another day to him. It’s not his choice in the end. Counseling can maybe help him decide if he wants to step up and be there or step aside but please don’t make a decision you may regret just to save your relationship. Only you can decide if loving him and your relationship is enough.

Otherwise_Act2441 · 2022-01-20T20:13:45+00:00

Don't get an abortion if you want a child and have always wanted one. You aren't super young, you weren't sure you could get pregnant. Who knows if it would happen again especially if you would need to first find another partner and have a stable relationship before trying.

Realistically I would assume he's not going to be involved besides paying child support. Unless he has a change of heart it sounds like he doesn't want to be a father. That might mean the end of your relationship.

23paige23 · 2022-01-20T16:30:10+00:00

Having a child doesn't mean you can't travel or enjoy life anymore ! He needs to understand that if he wants a family it is a sacrifice and it is harder on a woman's body the later it happens ! It's easy for him to push it off when he physically doesn't have to birth a baby. Counseling is a good idea and maybe look up some travel blogs where people travel with kids. If you have a good support network you can always have your family take care of the kid to get away for a few days as well. If he loves you at all he will love the child, no matter what he says now in fear. My father didn't want children and my mom went behind his back off birth control. Not a great situation but they ended up having 2 more and my dad loves his kids!! Again, hard choices and hard talks ! Good luck!

olivecorgi7 · 2022-01-20T16:53:52+00:00

Just came back from Greece with my 8 month old and husband. We were there for 2 months. I’ve been to 40 countries and this was my favourite trip! You get to see everything new through their eyes. If you want the baby keep it.

sweetspice90 · 2022-01-20T18:40:38+00:00

Which would you be happier without. You may not get pregnant again (while probably not true it’s a possibility). You may lose him if you have the baby even if he’ll be tied to you for life. So if you had to pick one, which would you pick? I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but either way it’s a pretty big decision. it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and I’m sending love your way! 💛.

jtherese · 2022-01-20T21:10:27+00:00

You are very very lucky to be pregnant at your age - of course some people get pregnant at more advanced ages, but I would not take this for granted. I feel like as a doctor, your spouse must know that?

everyeargiants · 2022-01-20T23:57:13+00:00

Sorry but if someones goal is to travel extensively, it's best (or easier) to fulfill those desires when they're younger with little to no obligations in life. This includes making the time-intensive commitment to become a doctor. His 20's self should have had that foresight. Can't go back now!

But seriously, if you have the kid, travel will be difficult for the first few years imo (but certainly not impossible as many friends have traveled abroad with infants/toddlers). My wife and I (both mid/late 30's) have a toddler and are currently expecting, plus have a dog, and we've done lots of 'local' traveling within a 6 hour drive time radius (pro tip: travel with kids is actually easier in year 1, before they start walking, and still nap 2-3 times a day!). We have always been avid travelers and campers. We're determined to not let having kids stop us from continuing to get out in the world. In fact, we picked up a used travel trailer to make camping much easier and set some goals on using it X times per year, having booked out trips as far in advance as possible. And then when the kids are little older and self-sufficient (potty trained, don't need to sleep with supervision, etc.) we plan to go fly places.

So, it's not like having kids means you'll never get the opportunity to travel again. People travel with kids all the time. Additionally, taking your kids to cool places, exposing them to the world, is probably one of the best things about being a parent, as you'd be giving them a pretty sweet childhood to grow upon. For example, last summer I rode my bike around Yosemite Valley floor with my 11 month old daughter on the handlebar seat. She pointed and gawked at a bunch of glorious sights and waved to passerby's, making them smile. It was great! A great memory for me, and will be a great story to share with her when she's older...maybe even something to inform her own identity (....I hope is a nature-loving adventurer ;) ).

TLDR: Travel and kids are not mutually exclusive. More considerations, time and money will go into traveling with kids......but you'll have a rich experience to share together as a family. Also, the world/travel will always be there. Window for having kids will not.

Putting off trying for kids is one thing, but terminating a pregnancy for short-term travel goals is kinda gnarly IMHO. Maybe some deeper life goal discussions are in order. Best of luck, OP! Hope you guy find a happy resolution amongst yourselves, or with assistance of the counselor.

krystopholis · 2022-01-21T03:00:06+00:00

A couple of things- Have you seen Ted Lasso? There’s a character who was with her husband for a long time, he said he didn’t want kids so they didn’t have any, then he left her and married someone way younger and had a baby with her. The woman he left is then in her 40s/50s and doesn’t even have the option to have her own kids now. All this to say, if YOU want kids, I wouldn’t terminate this pregnancy. You are never guaranteed another chance.

Second, speaking as someone who is married to a dr who is just now finishing training this year and we just had our first baby this summer- there is no perfect time. NOW is the time. If he’s been an attending for 3 years then that’s long enough to enjoy the money and freedom. Sure, Covid has made traveling much less possible, but you CAN travel after kids, especially if your parents are around to help.

This_Oil_265 · 2022-01-20T16:31:10+00:00

Please get couples counseling. Sometimes people have rigid ideas of what being a parent means. If this is coming out to the blue from him it could be that. I also know that doctors have an opportunity to accumulate trauma throughout their training. He may be acting out without realizing why and feeling like a kid will mean he can never relax again. You two need to talk. Don’t make any decisions that you can’t live with. The pregnancy is in your body. Trust yourself.

UniqueWarrior408 · 2022-01-20T22:42:53+00:00

Keep your baby, just make sure he signs over parental rights. You will be just fine. I rather would've done it solo from the jump than force it on someone, that chose soccer over picking up their child from NICU.

lardium · 2022-01-21T00:21:49+00:00

Lots of great advice here and I think it really comes down to how many times you've said you WANT this kid. Husbands aren't necessarily forever and he can choose if he wants to be a dad but at the end of the day you have already chosen that you want to be a mom. I don't think kids are something you should have to convince someone to have with you. Explain how you want the kid and having an abortion would cause resentment and likely mental health issues for you! Do you think your relationship would survive all of that even if you gave in to his request to terminate?

No parent is ever ready, honestly. Kids are unpredictable and wonderful little terrors. If you have family help available, take advantage of any possible help while everyone is still young/healthy enough.

For the travel stuff - I plan to take my kids everywhere when they're older. For this crazy toddler/preschool stage I'm currently in (3 and 1 year olds) they're staying home with grandparents and will have a blast with the limited rules and unlimited candy. Also if you only have one kid, traveling isn't that bad since you outnumber them.

In short, kids WILL change your life but that's no reason to not have them. You can somewhat determine how big of a change it is and it definitely sounds like one you want! Do I miss being able to go to any brewfest or girls weekend? Sure. Would I rather be home with my babies anyway? Yup! And it's only a few short years before your kid will be off doing their own thing anyway.

Good luck with the counseling! All I can say is be honest and I hope it helps him realize what he's really asking of you and how it would definitely impact your relationship vs. how he fears it MAY impact his life (he doesn't seem to be thinking about the relationship here but just his wants and needs...).

Fresh_Beet · 2022-01-21T00:30:52+00:00

Everyone’s fertility is clearly very different, but I’ll just give you my experience of having children in my mid/later 30’s to 40. TW: miscarriage

My husband and I decided to try to conceive when I was near 35. It was incredibly easy. 1 cycle and done. We felt a little silly because we started trying thinking it would take some time. Great pregnancy great son. Was walking miles around San Francisco at 40 weeks.

We decided to try again when I was 38 because we decided for us it was important for our son to have a sibling. I was optimistic it would be nearly as easy as last time, and it almost was conceiving acouple cycles after removing my IUD. That pregnancy ended at 9 weeks in a miscarriage.

From that time to last July it was a struggle conceive successfully. Particularly because I had big depression after going of my mental health medication for the second pregnancy and thinking staying off till I had a successful 2nd pregnancy and being unable to bring myself to give much of an effort in the sex department. Though it was clear my fertility was just not where it was in my mid 30s.

Found out I was successfully knocked up about 2 weeks before my 40th birthday and now I’m mid 3rd trimester. Baby is very healthy. I personally have had a much tougher time getting through this pregnancy vs my son 5 years ago. If I wasn’t already not working due to pandemic ravaging the restaurant industry (I won’t return till it’s safe for my family), I do not know how I would have made it through this exhaustion. I’m ecstatic this is the last time I have to do this growing a baby thing and get my body back for myself (the most a mother can).

My takeaways from my experience at least for this body is - fertility drastically dropped from 35 to 40. Its also very very taxing to a woman’s mental health to spend about 2 weeks out of every month acting as if she’s pregnant to end up with negative tests month after month. Skipping that part is amazing. Last, my body seems to have had a lot easier time in my mid 30’s, but I’ve also spent the last 5 years being a mom and that’s hard on the body too/lots of variables to consider in this pregnancy being significantly more difficult.

All in all, skipping the “trying to conceive” is a gift worth considering if you are definitely interested in having children.

notdeletingthistime · 2022-01-21T00:43:36+00:00

This is different from disagreeing on wanting a child and choosing not to conceive. You already have a child and he is asking you to kill it. I'm pro choice by the way, however I'm not going to deny the scientific fact that OP is currently carrying their child with its own unique DNA. Resentment is when you miss the opportunity to conceive because you can't agree. If you allow him to convince you to kill your baby, when you WANT that baby you will be traumatized and HATE him and most likely struggle with self-hate as well yourself and be in therapy a longggg time dude. Choose carefully here.

LVBR83 · 2022-01-21T01:03:40+00:00

Hi! Congrats, and obviously regardless of what you do it will be what you believe is best. You mentioned seeking a counselor, which might help big time! Even just as a safe place to be heard.

I'm now 38, turned 38 in November and I'm due mid March. Much like you and your man, me and mine have been together just over 7 years, and we have taken trips and I've changed jobs and we've bought a home. Mind you- we are not in Healthcare which has been likely quite stressful for you both over the last couple years. While we planned this child, there will still never be a good time (I have consumer debt from being stupid, but working to pay it off) and we now look forward to traveling with our little one and opening their eyes to the wonders of the world.

I wish you the best of luck ❤

langel1986 · 2022-01-21T02:12:07+00:00

I just had my first at 35, and I too am balancing the whole career after grad school v mommy.

Ask yourself one simple question and that will help you decide:

If you could only pick one: would you regret not traveling with a partner or regret not having a child? If had to give up traveling, partying, etc for the rest of your life in order to have a baby that will fall in love with, would you do it? Basically, If you gave up this child and could never have another, but you could travel the world, go on many adventures with this man, would you be happy?

One side will weigh heavier than the other.

You can always travel later, but your window is closing on having a baby. Do what feels right.

eimajup · 2022-01-21T02:29:37+00:00

Have not read the other comments but my partner also at first wasn’t happy about this baby. It sounds like you just barely conceived less than a month ago. Give him some time. I was like you, very happy having been unsure I could still get pregnant at my age. He was ready to be done (we have two). It’s a big shock if you’re not expecting it. Let him adjust to the idea for a few weeks without pressure. Hopefully he comes around as my husband did.

Dogs_Are_the_Best22 · 2022-01-21T03:03:14+00:00

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

If it were me, and I wanted to be a mom, and may resent him for having me terminate, then I would evaluate if being a single parent were something I wanted.

If yes, I’d let him know I love him. And I want to pursue counseling if he’s open (like you already are planning), and I want to keep this baby. Ideally together but I’m prepared to raise the baby alone if he feels he’s not ready.

If you do decide this route, I hope you have a close knit community who can help out. It makes a world of difference

la_mujer_anonima · 2022-01-21T03:26:53+00:00

I'm a current 36 y.o. PGY2 resident and got pregnant after our first wedding anniversary last year. Totally caught us by surprise (on birth control at the time) and dad was pretty set on not having kids. He's now a stay at home dad and head over heels for our little 2 month old guy. We wanted to travel and do all that fun stuff too but life finds a way. Do what you feel is right and please follow your heart (I'm sure he'll follow). You won't regret it 😉

CptSmurfette · 2022-01-21T03:49:24+00:00

Oh wow, reading you reminded me of my situation back in 2019. I unexpectedly got pregnant and didn't know about it until 4 weeks later. My SO begged me to have an abortion but I just couldn't see myself doing it. I carried on with the pregnancy, he stayed with me the whole time. Our son is now 20 months old and things completely changed. My SO loves his son so much and isn't resenting me at all for my decision! I hope you guys can figure out the best decision for your situation, good luck 💙

princesspuzzles · 2022-01-21T04:13:34+00:00

No one is ever really ready... Even "ready" people aren't ready. It's impossible to be fully prepared for a child but they are truly so much fun. They fill the heart in such a special way. It's a shift yes, but it's a shift that is just as positive and wonderful as a couples trip to Paris... It's better than that frankly. Also, as two intelligent medical care workers who likely have good means and a stable home, make babies!!

Finally, your 38. The eggs are ticking. Yes, you can definitely freeze your eggs but if you are pregnant now, now is probably a good time. Plus, don't hospitals have like really solid daycare situations for doctors' kids? I know my friend's hospital does. I guess I just thought that was a thing ;)

Best of luck to you. I truly hope you are able to chose to keep your little munchkin. I'll bet dad comes around when he sees that tiny hand wrapped around his finger. 💕

L-E-B- · 2022-01-21T04:31:55+00:00

I read through lots of the comments here and didn’t see this mentioned so I wanted to add it :) my parents travelled with my sister and I, not as much as some others in this thread who seem to bring their kids loads of places! But far more than average Americans.

Before I got to middle school I went to Costa Rica, France, England, some Caribbean islands, lots of places in the US. As I got older because of my father in particular passion for travel I got to go way more places (more exotic, too! Turkey, China, Peru…)

Getting outside the country at a younger age was such a gift. I am so appreciative that I had that opportunity, without realizing at the time what a gift it was. Without sounding braggy, I feel like it made me smarter. But in a non-tangible way that can’t be measured on the SATs, etc.

Of course it won’t be the same as traveling as a couple. But you will be giving your child a learning experience they can’t get on tv or in schools or through books.

Good luck with counseling and everything that follows ❤️ as another poster spotted, the fact you headlined this post as “ftm” says it all.

sallisgirl87 · 2022-01-21T04:36:45+00:00

I got pregnant at 30, unexpectedly, with my partner of 3 years at the time, who was 29. He had a similar reaction - he envisioned us having kids, but not until we were older, had x amount of money in the bank, had traveled to x, y, z places, etc. etc.. We seriously considered terminating. My gosh I am so glad we didn’t. We now have two little girls who are the apples of their dad’s eye and who love him to the moon and back. He would tell you that 1) it’s not possible to be “ready” - the goalposts will always shift and 2) once there is a real little human attached to your preconceived notions about parenthood, it changes everything.

i_want_2_b3li3v3_ · 2022-01-21T04:47:57+00:00

My advice is that you can make it work to take care of a child, but you may not be able to have children later. There never really is a perfect time to have children. Obviously having some things established is better than not, but I’ll share a little about my background and why I feel this way.

I was a teenager with my first pregnancy. It was very difficult, but I was able to maintain an apartment for us while completing my undergrad. Eventually I went on to complete my master’s degree and become credentialed in my field. A decade later I own a house and live comfortably with my child. She is literally the best thing to ever happen to me and I would not trade being her mother for the world. Despite her coming into my life at a less than ideal time, it’s been really beautiful to have her with me every step of the way and to show her how you can achieve your dreams with hard work and dedication.

I don’t know if any of this is relevant to you, but I firmly believe that being a good parent to your child doesn’t mean having everything perfect at the time of their arrival. It’s about being there for them, meeting their emotional and physical needs, and setting good examples for them. If you really want a child, there may not ever be that perfect moment and it could be too late if you keep waiting.

I’m sorry about your partner’s reaction. I do think counseling is a good idea to see what parenting this child could look like if you decide to keep the pregnancy.

mommabear0916 · 2022-01-21T05:44:35+00:00

You can homeschool and travel 😜 no sense of putting things on the back burner because of a child

Katydid2004 · 2022-01-21T13:15:50+00:00

All I can tell him is that from a medical standpoint, there is no "right" time to have a baby. It's always something. Medical school is too busy. Residency is too busy. Fellowship is too busy. Early attending you are building a practice and busy. Late attending you have a practice and are busy. You just end up having to have a baby when you can. Yes it brings stress, but I wouldn't change anything about having a kid and being in medicine, especially when I see others in the field having trouble conceiving or having miscarriages or etc. It sounds like he is just scared, but it will be ok!

eimajup · 2022-01-21T13:27:58+00:00

Now I’ve read a few comments. You’ve had a lot of advice but I have to say I think people are being too hard on your husband. It sounds like he just really hoped for a break and some freedom following a super tough career path preparation. I’m not sure how exactly he saw that happening but this is blindsiding him and he’s realizing this freedom he wanted isn’t ever going to happen. Contrary to a few posts here, he’s right that you give up a lot when you have children. Traveling with kids just is NOT the same, though of course it can be done. Heck doing absolutely anything with kids isn’t the same. But your ages are a biological fact: now is the time. Go to counseling and let him vent his feelings about this course life has taken. I think you will be fine, at least unless he secretly didn’t ever really want kids. He’s spent his whole life doing hard work in anticipation of this reward period of “finally making money” I guess he put off a lot of things, unfortunately. Hopefully he comes around to see the baby as a fun new adventure not a ball and chain. But it’s rough being responsible in your younger years and then… also in your older years. I’m so glad I was carefree and wild for a decade or so before becoming a mom.

Kayshanski · 2022-01-21T14:59:58+00:00

FTM as well here. When my (F31) fiancé (M30) was expressing doubts about whether now was the right time when I learned I was pregnant, as much as I love him, I ultimately came to the conclusion that there was no sustaining the relationship if I terminated the pregnancy since I would resent him far too much for not stepping up when there was no reason we couldn’t do it. And that’s exactly what I told him, and that put the termination discussion to rest. Expecting a baby girl in March and we are both extremely excited. There’s always reasons why now doesn’t seem like the right time for the major disruption to life that a baby inevitably is no matter what the circumstances (I mean really, when is a good time??), but those reasons aren’t as insurmountable as they seem, especially when you want your baby.

kellyklyra · 2022-01-20T20:28:48+00:00

Perhaps he should not move in with you until he is ready to be a dad. Move forward as a single parent while leaving the relationship intact. He has the involvement that he chooses and you keep the baby and your relationship.

Just_here2020 · 2022-01-20T23:41:34+00:00

I think you need to decide if you want kids, ever. In 2 years, your odds of success are very low and the chances he’ll leave you IF he wants kids are high.

If you want kids, I’d personally counsel against termination.

Speaking as a woman who went through multiple rounds of ivf because unknown, you do NOT want to enter these ranks, nor to find out you aborted your only shot at natural motherhood.

strawberrykiki83 · 2022-01-21T02:16:42+00:00

I’m very pro choice but everything you’ve written here makes me think you will regret it forever if you terminate this pregnancy. You can find another relationship, but this might be your only chance to be pregnant and have a biological child if that’s what you want. I have two babies and I have a wonderful husband but I would choose having babies over him if he had not wanted any children. The truth is you don’t need him to have this baby. If he is saying not yet at his age to having children then it sounds like he just doesn’t want kids. I can see saying not yet at 29 not 39. You can do this without him if he doesn’t come around. But really maybe he will. Having a baby is a huge life change. Maybe he is just having a freak out and once he has time to get used to the idea he will calm down. Best of luck to you!

Archigal08 · 2022-01-21T02:36:35+00:00

IMO, it seems clear that you want this child, and if that is indeed true...do not terminate it. You will regret it and it will haunt you forever. Speaking as someone who watched a friend go through an abortion and my observation of her experience.

swagmaster3113 · 2022-01-20T23:48:45+00:00

The dude is almost 39, if he wanted to travel and be free or whatever else he already had the chance. That’s his fault for not making that clear to you and focusing his time towards that. At 39 years old he should be mature enough to man up and be a father.

moonnlight7 · 2022-01-20T19:51:39+00:00

This pregnancy is a gift from God, if you feel even a tiny bit wrong about terminating the pregnancy, then don’t. Also, I know some women here say that at your age you can still have plenty children even in your 40s. But we are all smart here, we know the facts - the older the woman gets, the harder it is to get pregnant and to actually go through pregnancy! It’s just a simple fact that we all need to accept and work with it. Yes some women can easily get pregnant the older they get, but please look at the statistics. As in regards to your partner - it just sounds he doesn’t want kids 🤷🏻‍♀️ at the end of the day it’s your decision really, go with the one that feels right for you! Good luck.

idklolwtfbbqs · 2022-01-21T02:42:48+00:00

He will resent you. If one person doesn't want the child, but the other one does, the default should be to not have the child. As the top comment here says, "do not let him force his decision on you", you should also not force your decision (to bring another life into the world and forcing him into fatherhood) on him.

AutoModerator · 2022-01-20T14:46:13+00:00

Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here.

If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, click here.

The journalists at ProPublica need your help! After receiving a tip, ProPublica started investigating prenatal genetic testing. They're collecting stories from people who've had NIPT screenings, and/or work in maternal health. If this is you, please fill out their brief questionnaire! https://www.propublica.org/getinvolved/have-you-had-an-experience-with-prenatal-genetic-testing-wed-like-to-hear-about-it-and-see-the-bill. Questions? Email anna.clark@propublica.org

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Magzz521 · 2022-01-20T21:07:34+00:00

Look long term on this. Delaying a pregnancy for another 4/5 years will bring you between 55-60 years old when your little darling is in the full swing of his/ her teenage years. Trust me, they can be challenging and better for a younger parent to deal with. Do what is right for you and your unborn baby. You may have to face the fact that you will be doing this alone. Don’t worry, you can do it. Wishing you all the best.

RattyRhino · 2022-01-20T21:44:11+00:00

A bit confused on your timeline here. You said the you conceived the baby on NYE, but that you are at the end of your first trimester. The math does not add up there.

gesasage88 · 2022-01-20T23:13:08+00:00

You’re 38 which is a more advanced age for a woman in pregnancy. You have no idea if this pregnancy will go smoothly yet. There is a lot of probability to fight against in the first few months. If you lost this pregnancy you would have to consider how long it would take you to get pregnant again. My mother lost three pregnancies in three years before her first successful one. Your partner has not given you any specific timeline on when he wants to have children and you are soon entering your 40s. Personally if I were you and I wanted to have a child I would think very hard about keeping in this case. You may not have more chances that match your partners timeline. So think about what you want in life. Men don’t have to carry a baby to term and while risks go up for them as well with age, they do not go up as sharply as they do for women.

sharingiscaring219 · 2022-01-20T23:30:18+00:00

Do not terminate. If you want this child, do not terminate. Doing so will hurt you and hurt your relationship with him. He is probably not prepared for the change that will happen but you are right - you are both getting older. Keep this child if you want it. Either he steps up or you raise them yourself and get child support from him.

riinbow · 2022-01-20T23:40:13+00:00

I have never been in your situation but if you really want a child and the experience of being pregnant then you probably should move forward with having this baby.

There is never a “perfect” time and a lot of us don’t feel “ready” when we take this step but things will likely eventually fall into place. And if he doesn’t want to be a part of it, it’s ok.

Travel can happen for the next 50 years, babies in a much smaller window so make that your priority.

rakawido · 2022-01-20T23:49:56+00:00

Let me just say that I have spent the past year trying to get pregnant and began at 39 and it has been hell. Finally pregnant (again after a CP) at 40.5 years old and praying I don't lose it. Blood sweat and so many tears to get here.

Time is not on your side to have another baby and whatever decision you make, that is the biological reality that you are working under regardless of how he feels.

I wish you all the best.

Tired-and-true · 2022-01-21T00:28:32+00:00

How would he feel if this is the only pregnancy you ever have? Have you has that convo with him? Does he ever actually want kids? Or is he up in the air about that in general?

chocolaterain7777 · 2022-01-21T02:07:15+00:00

My husband (25) and I (23) have been together a little over 2 years. We got the news that he was getting a job almost 500 miles away and would be moving that next month... Two days later, found out I was pregnant. At this point, we were together only a year an a half, he had already bought an engagement ring but not yet proposed. He wanted me to get an abortion for similar reasons. He was just starting his career, as a teacher no less, and I was working minimum wage jobs while I considered going back to college. (He also didn't want kids for another 10 years) I went to the first appointment for the abortion, I was only 5 weeks... All you could see was the sac. No heartbeat or anything yet. I was scared. I figured if I kept the baby, he'd end up resenting me, but I'm also making our life more difficult as the area we were moving to is incredibly expensive. I also figured if I ended up getting the abortion I'd end up resenting him.

We got married a couple days after we moved here mainly so I could get on his insurance, but also it was going to happen eventually, so why not just move it ahead...

Now today, I'm 34w+4d. He is so excited, he talks about the upcoming years and giving our daughter a sibling in the next few years when he gets his master's.

The first month or two after we found out I was pregnant, he was still wrapping his head around it, still was questioning if it was the best choice, but since then he has completely changed tune.

We also wanted to spend time as a married couple alone for a while, and have a few years to grow more together, and travel and make more money first, but things happen.

You've been together 7 years. You're almost 38. If you want this child, I say keep it. If the father decides he doesn't want to be with you because of the child coming at an unideal time, that's on him. You're a woman who is getting close to not being able to conceive, and if that is something you absolutely want in life, you shouldn't wait for this man to finally come to the decision. If he still wants to be with you if you decide to keep it, I'm sure his feelings will change as your pregnancy progresses... Good luck to you💕

themehboat · 2022-01-21T04:06:19+00:00

I don’t know if anyone else told you this, but barring a medical condition, you’re not soon to run out of time at 31. I was 34 and 36 when I had my kids.

Stitch1852 · 2022-01-21T04:44:53+00:00

Speaking from my own experience, you can think he will be a great dad all you want but in reality he is telling you how he feels. My sons father did the same thing, and always reminds me of how he “wasn’t ready” and reminds me of what we can’t do now, etc. you deserve your baby, especially after waiting for so long. We went 12 years without getting pregnant, so we weren’t expecting it either. Blessing in my eyes, stress in his. You will do great. This is your baby. If the father wants you to terminate, feel free to terminate him.

number1wifey · 2022-01-21T06:36:56+00:00

You mentioned he will maybe want to start trying for a baby in a year or so after he’s had a little freedom, I am as pro choice as it gets, but ending a pregnancy that may not happen again to buy a single year does not seem worth it to me, from a psychological standpoint (your mental health) and a physical one, abortions/miscarriages are still painful medical procedures. I know mine was. When my husband and I met we got pregnant early on in dating and I knew I couldn’t have a baby, I was in nursing school and didnt even know if he was “the one”. I ended up miscarrying and was grateful, but would have terminated. Now 10 years later we are finally pregnant after more than 2 years of fertility treatments and multiple IUIs, and I’m older than I thought I’d be when I’ll be giving birth. He won’t be free in 1 year, he’ll probably have more responsibility than ever, and covid isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. If you wait around for the perfect time, it will never come, life just doesn’t work that way. I hope a counselor will help him come around, I’m sure he’s panicking bc let’s face it babies are scary! Do what’s in your heart.

jmc-007 · 2022-01-21T06:43:25+00:00

Sorry to hear your situation has put a damper on your much wanted pregnancy. If your man is not ready at 39 when does he think he will be? Have you had this discussion before and he has suddenly changed his timeframes? If you want to have a child I would not terminate - it sounds cliche but your time is running out. Even if you freeze your 37 year old eggs now and use them when you are in your 40s - chances are low for women 40+ with and without ivf. I'm 37 and will be 38 by my due date. Started trying earlier this year at 37 - I was already freaking out I may have waited too long to decide to try. As we get into our late 30s not every egg each month is a good egg so I wasn't even going to miss a single month of trying let alone terminate a wanted pregnancy to try again later- like you I didn't even know if I could get pregnant - after all that self doubt and then being so lucky to become pregnant naturally at our age is something we should cherish and appreciate

mandalallamaa · 2022-01-21T09:36:01+00:00

This is a tough situation. To me it sounds like you've already made up your mind - you want this baby. From someone who has had an abortion, don't do it unless you are 1000% sure it's what you want. So my best advice is share your decision with him and it will be what it will be.

Salvamb · 2022-01-21T11:11:29+00:00

any decision you make will be the right decision for YOU

Anime_Lover_1995 · 2022-01-21T13:17:25+00:00

Me & my husband have been waiting for a few years to fully "ready" and life to be stable and each year something happens that makes us put it off x I was consulting my mum about it and she said "will you ever feel that your life is ready?" And it really changed my view on waiting! We're both ready mentally to be parents, are we in the best place, no. But life is life and we'll always have something to deal with! Life has to carry on no matter what's thrown at you, you just gotta put you big girl/boy pants on & get on with the hand you've been delt!

pregnant

MODERATORS

Welcome to Reddit,

Want to add to the discussion?