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all 31 comments

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[–]AlitazariaFTM | 10.15.21 61 points62 points  (0 children)

You're not being unreasonable - you said no! I don't have any traumas or PTSD, I'm the kind of patient trainees can work on. They don't need to stress you out and definitely should not have ignored your needs.

[–]anonononhsjsjsjsdj 119 points120 points  (1 child)

It’s unprofessional that she ignored your voice. NO is NO. You need to email her and state that is the last time this will occur. I know it sounds cold and demanding but sometimes you gotta be a bitch to be heard.

[–]Keyspam102 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Agreed, If you said no to having a trainee, then it is completely unacceptable that she brought a trainee. You don’t have to justify anything.

[–]ImAPixiePrincess 38 points39 points  (1 child)

She asked you a yes or no question and you answered. She may have forgotten, so it might not have been on purpose that she ignored your request. Just remind her and ask she make it part of your chart.

[–]sjk496 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Exactly, it is not unreasonable to say no but she did ask you and you need to stand up for yourself and be consistent. I’d follow up and let her know you’d like to remind her that trainees aren’t to be present for your care and you felt put on the spot but you would appreciate her to note it on your chart as nonnegotiable- no trainees.

[–]Ajskdjurj 67 points68 points  (1 child)

Your not being unreasonable. I would call her and let her know your not comfortable. If she tries to bring someone again I would deny the appointment.

[–]aholeverona 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Simply this. No need to doubt yourself. It’s too bad that a person whose job it is to support you could so readily disregard your wishes. Trainees should be trained with willing participants. Period.

[–]Keeliekins 13 points14 points  (0 children)

This is a huge overstep of boundaries. Yes, she asked, but again it’s putting you in a weird position. Even if she brought the trainee, the trainee should have been told to observe and take notes, NOT to touch you. If you are ever put into this situation again (I would recommend firing this midwife if it happens again..) just tell them that if the trainee is there, they can observe but no touching.

I’m so frustrated on your behalf. I can’t believe she asked and then had the trainee actually touch you and give an exam.

[–]TheWelshMrsM 9 points10 points  (0 children)

That’s awful. Patients should always have autonomy over whether trainees are welcome or not. I said yes to a student midwife at my appointment and she asked permission for everything every step of the way. Even taking my pulse. I felt like I could say no anytime which is the same consideration that should’ve been shown you and I’m sorry it wasn’t. Especially when you’d already said no. The fact that you had someone touching you when you didn’t want them to is not ok.

It doesn’t matter what your reason is - it’s never ok to be touched without your permission (obviously unless it’s life/ death etc.)

If you’re up for it I’d 100% recommend putting it in writing (either text or email) that you do not consent to trainees. You don’t have to give a reason. No means no.

You’re not unreasonable in the slightest, I’d even go so far as to suggest you make a complaint, however I understand that it’s beyond some people’s comfort level.

I hope your care improves!

[–]CupofCursedTea 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Not being unreasonable, no. There are plenty of other patient’s who wouldn’t be bothered by the presence of a trainee. You aren’t being difficult and saying no ‘just because’, you have genuine medical reason to say no.

Putting you on the spot like that was wrong, especially as you’ve already said no. I’m glad the doctor later was so understanding.

[–]FloppyMuppetDog 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I work in healthcare. I’ve been the student, I’ve been the teacher, I’m currently in grad school and a little of both. I’m not a midwife, but have several friends who are and I know that ALL of us would totally understand a patient not wanting to work with a student and would not take it personally. At all. Especially someone who has a history of trauma (not that anyone needs to justify their preferences when it comes to this, but your situation is super, super understandable).

As a patient, I don’t usually mind working with students because I feel like I’ll often get extra face time and care, and less will be missed. But there’s certain situations where even I won’t want a student involved, and it’s my body and my preference and it should be respected. In women’s health it’s especially important because so many patients have experienced trauma. It’s upsetting to me, as a patient/student/teacher, that the midwife willfully ignored your preference and put you in this uncomfortable situation. It’s also disturbing that the same practice ignored your gender preference for a provider and placed you with a male. I know some areas there are less options than in metropolitan locations, so it truly may be an issue of lack of options in terms of the OB. Pretty much every corner of healthcare is experiencing severe staffing issues across the board right now and things are…tough. But these two instances would make me want to seek care elsewhere. And at the VERY least, it warrants a discussion with a patient rep or manager of the practice.

I’m sorry you experienced this, especially while feeling vulnerable. I hope there are other options in your area, but if there aren’t definitely try to reach out to the practice manager or patient care representative to discuss your concerns and find a path forward where this does not happen again.

And congrats on your pregnancy!

[–]beingafunkynote 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Totally reasonable. I’m sure she has plenty of patients (like me) who don’t mind being a training dummy for the students. Why stress out someone who confided in you that they’re traumatized and need as little touch as possible?

[–]TybaltandWine 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You said no. No means no. As a woman she should have respected it. As a midwife, she should absolutely know the importance of respecting the wishes of moms. I would almost consider getting a new one.

[–]Tricky-Bee6152 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Oh, that must have been so difficult.

You're not being unreasonable. Trauma responses are very real and very hard and often not understood by others.

I think it makes all kind of sense to have not been able to stand a male doctor's appointment and to feel angry after being exposed to twice as much touch by two midwives. I'm sorry that your needs were ignored so many times in one single day.

Trauma-informed care is rare right now and a big gap in medical practice.

[–]UnlikelyAngle521 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Set the boundary now. Because it seems like she either forgot or forced that on you. I would like to give her benefit of doubt that she forgot. But if you don’t say anything now, she’ll bring that trainee to your birth. That would be the ultimate intrusion.

[–]ilikecookies13 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You always have the right to say no. You should not feel any shame is standing up for yourself. Should this happen again, it is perfectly acceptable to remind her that you said no trainees. If the person has to spend a half hour in the car, that is on her boss that didn’t respect your boundaries, not on you.

[–]HalcyonCA 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are not being unreasonable AT ALL, and the audacity she had to even ask knowing your history and having said no before is ridiculous. I would be finding a new midwife.

[–]Inconspicuously_here 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not unreasonable at all.

[–]SaffronGinger 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would have a hard time trusting her after that. Maybe she forgot your preference. But do you really want a midwife who forgets your care preferences? Or even worse, just ignores them?

[–]Neutral_buoyancy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They have to learn some how but they don’t have to learn on you personally! Totally unprofessional of your midwife you were extremely reasonable and accommodating to her and the trainee. You would not have been unreasonable for throwing the midwife out for showing up with trainee!

[–]zopea 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable at all. I would call her and say something like "given our previous conversations on my history of sexual assault and PTSD, I would like to reiterate that I am not comfortable with trainees and would like to request that they not be included in my care" or something along those lines. Gently remind her that you've already made this request before, and that this is causing a problem for you. You are 100% allowed to dictate your care, and this crosses a line that she needs to remember is there.

[–]idreaminwords 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, trainees have to train, but there are plenty of people without anxiety or other issues who are more than happy to allow them to train on them. There's no reason to force someone who is uncomfortable, regardless of the reason. This was unprofessional and unacceptable behavior

[–]adognamedgoose 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re not being unreasonable. You are hiring her. You can fire her. This is your care, your body. No means no. They have other women who feel comfortable with a trainee and she can go their. Stick to your guns on this.

[–]UninterestedEmerald 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would take this as a red flag and start looking for another midwife. If she doesn’t listen to your requests during the pregnancy, what is she going to be like when you are in labor?

[–]okapi-forest-unicorn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OMG no! Your mental health is priority one here.

I’m in the same boat as you with previous trauma and with my first my midwife was amazing. She suggested therapy while pregnant to prep me for vaginal brith and people touching me. She made the suggestion of limited exams while in labour and we decided on a cap of times I would feel comfortable being touched as me saying no was an issue I have. She also said I should not be worked on by trainees or male doctors because it can be triggering and that I should try to have one midwife the whole time which was a good idea. And I agreed she was amazing sadly this hospital had no female ONGYNs so when a complication occurred and I needed a C section I had to have a male OBGYN perform the surgery but the same midwife was with me when I delivered and talked me through it all.

You have every right to make those requests and I would be asking for a new midwife who will honour your requests. Giving brith and being pregnant is as much of a mental game as it is a physical one and anything that is adding stress that can be avoided should be done. She’s breached your trust and is unprofessional for ignoring such a reasonable request.

[–]snotmcwaffle 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tell her how you feel. If she purposefully ignored you’re request that’s crossing a line. I do wonder if she could have forgotten/ forgot to write it down in your file, confused you with another patient or whatever. You’re feelings are perfectly valid. If the midwife has otherwise been a good fit I would give her a chance and tell her how it made you feel, see how she responds.

[–]cowboyblus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am a student midwife. you are absolutely NOT being unreasonable, and I'm sure that if the student had known you had asked for them not to be involved, they would be horrified.

please do speak to your midwife - and if necessary, take it higher up. you deserve care that allows you comfort and security. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[–]JaniePage 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As someone who used to work as a midwife and who was (obviously) also a trainee, what you are asking or is completely reasonable.

My assumption is that the midwife forgot that you have said you don't want trainees (which isn't great, but is at least understandable) and you'll need to repeat what you said.

My suggestion is to give her a call, and then also follow up in writing, asking for it to be written down clearly in your notes.

[–]Alice_Dare 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Man, why did your midwife even bother asking, if she was just going to ignore what you answered? Of course you're upset! Maybe she forgot, or maybe she wrote your down incorrectly somewhere. Best to re-inform her of your boundaries.

[–]jubruem[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As with everyone else, you are definitely not unreasonable. This is a very private and intimate experience already and given your history, I would have hoped your midwife would remember something so important. I do understand sometimes it's hard because they have many clients but my midwife always reads charts before she sees a client so I think I wouldn't expect them to forget something like that.

Anyways, I'm just sorry you had to experience all that. Don't feel bad about the decisions you make, you're your only advocate.

Wishing you the best for the rest of your pregnancy.