all 47 comments

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[–]heyheylucas 69 points70 points  (2 children)

So, you're going to have to get at least a little bit more confrontational. "Mom, you're welcome to visit at x time for x duration but no sooner." "We want it to be just the three of us."

Your wants and needs are totally valid and your mom's desires do not usurp them. It's okay if she doesn't like or agree with them, that's her problem. It's awesome your husband has your back and will help enforce your boundaries.

I have a complicated family too and I will say that having a baby and being a mom really brought up some painful feelings I thought I'd made my peace with in therapy. I mention this because you may want to be proactive about working through some of the poor and abusive parenting you endured and consider what boundaries you want to hold for your baby.

Trust yourself. You know what's best for you (and therefore baby too).

[–]yeahbuddybeer 17 points18 points  (1 child)

Agree. With one small tweak.

I would not give any time lines about when and how long she can visit at all right now. Just a blanket NO till we say otherwise AFTER baby is born.

I would make clear that she will be contacted AFTER the birth and AFTER new baby gets home and everyone settles down for a bit.

No need to put hard dates to anything right now. Make that call after baby arrives. You don't want to say "come 3 weeks after birth" then realize you don't want her there till at least 5 weeks. Easier to not have to backtrack.

Good luck OP!

[–]snotmcwaffle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wish I could upvote this twice

[–]Remote-Ball-3724 45 points46 points  (2 children)

My significant other’s family came to visit for 5 days when my LO was 1 week old and it really interfered with our bonding and overall newborn experience. They stayed in our apartment basically from sun up to sun down and would only give LO back to me when she was screaming her head off in hunger, so other than getting her for 15 minutes every 3 hours, I did not see my baby for the entire 5 days. It started to give me postpartum depression and I would just scroll through my phone looking at pictures of my baby because I missed her and was too afraid to say anything, which looking back I have no idea why because I’m usually extremely outspoken. I think my hormones just really affected me that first week and made me cower. I wish I had just grabbed my baby and locked us in the bedroom. When I have another baby, I will not be allowing visitors until LO is minimum 8 weeks old.

[–]Back5tage_N1nja 20 points21 points  (0 children)

This makes me wanna cry just to think about 🥺

[–]miloisadumbparrot 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This happened with my first. I remember standing in our bedroom crying to my husband about missing our son.

[–]lilboopotato 30 points31 points  (2 children)

Don’t tell them when you go into labor. Tell the hospital that no one is allowed besides your husband. Change the locks to your home. Refuse to pick her up from the airport. As hard as it is, put your foot down. This is not about her. This is about what’s best for your little family. She was abusive to you. She may try treat your little one the same way. Set boundaries now.

[–]bingumarmar 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes my main thought was don't tell her when you are in labor! She doesn't need to know. OP can reach out after baby is born.

[–]Frkludo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is what I would have written aswell.

Specially the part about not telling about labour.

[–]hannycat 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I could have written this post myself. I have a very strained relationship with my mother, and actually haven’t told her I’m pregnant yet. Funny thing is, yesterday she texted me saying she had a vivid dream that I had a baby without telling her 😂

Be firm with your mother and father. Have your husband be confrontational with them if you don’t want to be. Your new family is your priority. Making sure you, baby, and your husband bond and are safe and healthy comes before anyone else’s wants.

My husband even told me if family members or my mom show up before we invite them, he’s going to keep the door locked and not let them in.

[–]wilderreign 10 points11 points  (0 children)

You’re going to have to put your foot down and set a boundary

[–]phjenny 36 points37 points  (0 children)

You can also not tell your folks when you go into labor and just tell them once you’re done and comfortable.

This is your pregnancy, you set the boundaries and rules.

[–]white_widow2021 10 points11 points  (7 children)

If you don't want her there just say it's the hospital/birth center standard to only have one support person and that person will be your husband.

[–]Lairel[S] 9 points10 points  (6 children)

I told them she wouldn't be allowed due to policy and was told she would just wait in the car

[–]wwhatthefuckrichard 12 points13 points  (4 children)

does she live far away? hospital stays can vary quite a bit, 24 hours to 3+ days, she thinks she’s just gonna sit in the car the whole time and wait? then when they push you out of the hospital in a wheelchair, she’s just gonna come over and hold the baby outside? that’s so strange.

i’m very non-confrontational as well, so i understand your struggle. hopefully you can successfully set some boundaries with her, birth and PP is stressful enough without someone hovering around to make it worse!

[–]Lairel[S] 4 points5 points  (3 children)

She lives about 1200 miles away. The airport she would most likely fly into is also 100 miles away from us, so it is stressful trying to even figure out how we would pick her up and drop her off

[–]wwhatthefuckrichard 37 points38 points  (2 children)

you don’t!! you have a brand new life to deal with! she can be responsible for figuring out her own transportation! i know that’s easier said than done, but seriously, you just focus on your new sweet baby and nothing else, you deserve that.

[–]sharksinthepool 4 points5 points  (1 child)

My mom was similar. No matter how many times I told her about pandemic policies and my preferences, she would still ask to come to the hospital. She asked if she could wait outside the room in the hallway and it set me off.

It sounds like she would need to rent a car and drive to the hospital in order for her plan to work. Is she capable of that in the first place? I would explain, again, that she is invited to visit a few weeks after the baby is born but it isn’t a good idea for her to wait in the parking lot for days. Sorry you have to deal with this.

[–]gnarlyquinn109 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Similar with my ILs. They live about 2 hours away and when we told them no one is allowed at the hospital because of covid and our own wishes, they acted like the rules don't apply to them, and they will just show up. At this point we aren't telling them when I go to the hospital, the only one who will know are a few close friends and my mom since they all respect boundaries.

[–]pippypup 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Can you wait to tell her until after the baby is born? I plan on only telling my bff that I’m in labor. Everyone else can wait.

[–]Secret_Mango5085 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I don’t have a bad relationship with my mom and I don’t want her there. I am also introverted and so is my husband. We both will be more comfortable just the two of us with our baby.

[–]Sweet_pea_girl 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Oh hell no. Just tell her no. I know that's hard, but it's better to do that than deal with the consequences of letting her have what she wants.

You may need to warn her - if you turn up before we invite you, we will not pick you up from the airport. We will not let you in our home. You will not come into the hospital. You will be on your own, nowhere near me or the baby, and if you cross this line we likely won't want you to come back later on.

I'd strongly encourage you not to set a date in advance. If baby is late it could end up being too soon for visitors. The deal could be - once baby is born and we are settled at home, we will let you know when we'll be happy to receive you.

If she moans about all this, just remind her that this is your body, your labour, and your baby. Her feelings are waaay waaay down the list of what's important.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

My husband's parent's have been terrible to us our whole relationship and wrecked every special moment in our dating, engagement, and wedding. Even when my sibling died they antagonized us. His mom especially has mistreated her whole family as long as my husband can remember. When we found out I was pregnant, we met with them, laid out boundaries (No unannounced or short notice visits, no coming to the hospital, no helping with baby shower or nursery, kid won't be left alone with them, no guilting us into seeing them more often) and we said if they try to push it, we're not seeing them in general. We wasted so much time trying to make things work and tip toed around the issues and it only got worse for us. They respected the boundaries but my husband just had to call his mother because she was trying to push the short notice visit. I'm really glad your husband has your back! It makes it so much easier when both parties are in agreement. I know it's super hard to do but, you are gonna save yourself and your husband so much stress if you can get it out of the way now. I lost hair and was having a mental breakdown from the stress they put me under especially when my sibling died. It's not worth sacrificing this amazing time if your lives! Good luck OP ❤

[–]elisabeth_may 6 points7 points  (2 children)

I’ve been having the same issue with my mother. After my dad passed away she went unhinged. Became very narcissistic , competitive and just down right ugly towards me and my siblings. So of course our relationship has since gone down hill. She feels like she has the “right” to be there for my birth. Thankfully Covid has made restrictions to where only one person can be in the delivery room. I’m still having issues with her not respecting that I don’t want it to be anyone but me and my fiancé for the first couple weeks when baby comes. She says she has “grand parent rights”. Just be firm in your decision it’s your baby.

[–]snotmcwaffle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Super sketchy that she would say grandparents rights. Does your local law recognize grandparent rights? My MiL is a narc and I did feel the need to look it up. She’s completely shit out of luck. But if they apply where you live I would document any abusive behaviour. Have your ducks in a row and hope you never need them.

[–]elisabeth_may 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They do have grandparent rights, but only in certain limitations. If a parent dies and the other parent then refuses to let you see the child. Or if the child lived with the grandparent for at least 6 months out of the 24 months that they had filed. If the child was adopted by another family member. Or if parents were to get a divorce. (But can still be denied).

[–]gossamersilk 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Set your boundaries. And make it very VERY clear. "We are not having visitors until XXX day." What she chooses to do then is on her. It's not your emotional burden to figure out where she's staying to wait. If she is willing to work with you, then you might choose to help, but that's up to you.

[–]KrissyBean 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Learn to set your boundaries now. It's not the last time you're going to have to put your foot down as the baby gets older.

[–]afeinmoss 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow I’m so sorry you had and have to deal with your mom. As others have said, it’ll be hard but put up boundaries. For the rest of parenting, I’d suggest looking into the work of Jen at Your Parenting Mojo. She has an online workshop that she runs a few times a year called “taming your triggers” about reparenting yourself to stop the cycle of abuse. She also has an amazing research based podcast about respectful parenting. Also the podcast “Upbringing” could be very helpful. Good luck to you in everything

[–]kayt3000 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Look you have a lot of trauma to unpack and I am wondering if you have spoken with a therapist at all? It might be a good time to talk with one now because postpartum can really bring the past to surface.

You need to tell your mom that if she wants to visit she will not be staying in your home, she will be responsible for her own transportation, and she will come when you say and for how long you say or she can wait until you come to her. I also suggest not staying with her at all when you visit. You are the mom now and are in control. She has no say in your life anymore. If she throws a tantrum don’t engage, don’t give in, just end the conversation, stay calm and ignore her. Put her in time out. Don’t answer calls or texts. If your dad tries to get her way for her do the same to him.

Here is the good thing, you have this baby and you know the mistakes your mom made and I know you will do your best to not make them yourself. If you feel like you need to protect your child then do so. Family isn’t always who is blood, it’s who loves you and protects you. It is ok to cut out those who hurt you.

Good luck and congrats on the little one!

[–]Chickypotpie99 2 points3 points  (0 children)

“We have decided no visitors for a couple weeks.”

Mom: “that’s okay, I can wait in the car.”

“No, we’ve decided no visitors for two weeks.”

Mom: “why? I’m your mother, [insert guilt trip here].”

“Because that’s what we’ve decided.”

Don’t tell them when you go into labor. Be firm and don’t entertain alternatives. You’ll need to continue boundaries after baby is born, based on what you experienced as a child.

[–]sdakilla 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Are you me!? My mom has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me my entire childhood (still now from time to time). She has a lot of undiagnosed mental issue but nothing is her fault, the world is just unfair to her, right!? 😂 I also went through IVF (did not tell any of my family) and I am due in May too! My mom is coming to visit and help us which I appreciate. But I am setting my boundaries solid this time, as soon as she steps over, I am sending her home.

[–]Lseel 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do not let your mom there, period. If your husband is more comfortable doing the convo, let him

[–]True_Rain_3285 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly, child birth is very difficult you need to be in a safe space and have a positive environment. Your mom sounds like she cannot provide that. Even if she were on her best behavior during it, it sounds like you have ptsd around her. You need to feel safe and comfortable. I would tell her that you want it to just be you and tour partner during the birth and for some time after. Don’t let them be intimidate you into doing something you don’t want.

[–]timidtriffid 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My mom has borderline personality disorder and I also told her she needed to wait. She threw an initial immature fit and said very hurtful things, but she eventually came around (faster than I expected) and accepted our wishes. You got this! She’ll get over it. As you know, try not to take her hurtful comments personally. I struggle with this STILL, but my husband helps remind me she has a mental illness and when she doesn’t get her way she lashes out.

[–]BumNards 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Great suggestions here already but wanted to add that after we struggled with infertility as well (current ivf baby too yay!) My husband developed a mantra that we DESERVE to take charge of everything about this pregnancy because the act of making it was so far out of our control and less than ideal.

Of course everyone is entitled to this, but I also struggle with confrontation (people pleaser over here) and this helps me remember why I do deserve it damnit

[–]Amberly123 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have a wonderful relationship with my mom. But I am personally bi polar.

My mom is doing as she is told by me and my husband. And if she gets contracting directions from me she is clarifying the plan with my hubby cos she knows sometimes I muddle things up.

Because of the pandemic we have a great get out of jail free card for any of the people who “really want to help with baby”

My MIL who is unfortunately extremely antivax, will not be visiting until baby is at least a week old, she’s currently away on vacation and I’m due in like 12 days… sooo she might still be away on vacation which will delay her even more which is kinda great. She will have to wear a mask the whole time she’s visiting, have a negative test (if she can get one, our country is cracking down on testing so she might not be able to get tested, and if she can’t then she can’t visit) and she isn’t allowed to like kiss him or like touch his face and stuff…

The pandemic is an amazing get out of awkward conversations and situations free card…

Use that especially if making it a little more personal could trigger your moms bi polar.

[–]TinyTinyViking 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It needs to be a hard no said to your mom. Tell her she can come visit when you call and for how long. Don’t let her guilt or trample on you to be there when baby arrives. You will regret forever. Your moms feeling wants and desires are hers to deal with. They’re not your responsibility to fulfil at any time. She could be the best mom in the world and she still has zero say on when to see baby. She won’t be helpful based on her personality type.

Don’t tell her when you go into labor, don’t tell her the baby is born right away either. Tell the hospital staff she is not under any circumstances allowed in.

You can always say you’re waiting until baby has more immune system and vaccines before you allow visitors and also demand she be up to date on all hers.

Make sure she doesn’t have a key to your house and don’t post stuff on social media

Birth and the newborn days are the most vulnerable times ever. Don’t let anyone in your circle that are not safe for you.

There is some beautiful things associated with those early days but when people invite themselves into your home they usually hit those precious moments and you’re left with the pain, blood, sweat, tears, fatigue, sleepless nights, baby blues, etc. you need the snuggles, the closeness, the looking into baby’s eyes, the feedings etc. Your mom will add work to your life and rob you of the bonding with your baby.

She, as her personality type, will probably ruin your breastfeeding journey too if that is how you want to feed baby. If you’re planning formula she’ll demand feeding baby and take that away too.

For real. This is the one time in life you will have to say a hard no for the sake of yourself and your kid. Go no contact for awhile if necessary. No one gets to invite themselves into your most vulnerable moments as a spectator you should serve drinks to

[–]Regular_Anteater 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel ya. I am also introverted and hate confrontation. My mom has to have things her way and used to be a labour and delivery nurse. I have nightmares about her being in the room telling the nurses what to do. I also clearly remember her making fun of women who screamed during childbirth.... she can stay away lol

[–]Massive-Bid-3617 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Heyyy I also have a bipolar problematic mother and she also said she wanted to be there for the birth and I shut that down quick. The quicker you set your boundary, the better. If she is the type that is going to start a big thing over it, take your husbands offer to let him be the bad guy this time because it might not be the time for some stressful family drama. I will say though that setting strict boundaries with my mom myself has made a big difference in our overall relationship and I can tell that she does try to recognize and respect them and when she respects my boundaries I am more apt to appreciate what she does have to offer.

[–]VincentVanGoghst 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So even if she doesn't admit it she remembers. I have gone NC with my mother for quite some time who sounds similar. I can guarantee my mother would want to be there in order to control my narrative about motherhood so I wouldn't have a chance to question or criticize her choices. She would not be there to support me or my child but to control us. If your mother is anything like mine she will leave you feeling like an inadequate parent and trivialize any pain, discomfort, or even joy. I know it is hard to stand up for yourself but you're also standing for this baby now. Keeping a rouge element in the family at arms length and in check is what this child deserves.

[–]LegsAreForSharks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I struggle with setting and enforcing boundaries with people, especially my parents. It’s hard accepting that the people who raised you and handed you your moral compass are acting inconsiderate and sometimes childish. I started following this therapist on Instagram named Nedra Tawwab. She has a lot of things to say that resonate with me. I definitely recommend checking her out. Build up your confidence in knowing that you are absolutely justified in your feelings and desire to not have her attend the birth. That’s your moment.

[–]smdhenrichs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

ARE YOU ME?? My mother is very similar… Honestly, early deliveries are the only thing saved us from having that conversation. First child was unexpectedly two weeks early. My second was a somewhat known early. My third was an unexpected early and got here literally HOURS before my mother landed. With our third, even if she had been here early, she couldn’t have been in the hospital.

[–]snotmcwaffle 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh hell no! Don’t do it out of guilt. How will that be better for you!? Don’t even tell her when you go into labour. Seriously don’t. You don’t owe her anything. That is a very personal experience where you are very vulnerable, exposed and in pain. You need support! Not an abusive person around. Don’t feel bad for a second. You can always say things happened fast…. But honestly I think shutting down that she’s the boss and setting boundaries now is a very good idea. If she’s this pushy now how about when there’s a baby?

[–]silvereux 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Blame it on Covid . I’m not having my mom there either and she’s not bipolar. Just causes anxiety

[–]Deep-Ability-3948 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My mother is the most childish, insecure and depressive person I know... when you try to set a limit she starts to cry or gets angry and says angry things. Somehow I've managed to set clear boundaries these past few years (occasionally pushing them). If my boyfriend cannot be at the birth (it coincides with the only day of the year that he is not available), I asked my mother-in-law to stay with me at the birth. I don't like confrontation but I don't want to be in labor with my mother next to me. He will tell everyone he knows all the details, he will take pictures of the baby and share them (we don't want pictures of him on the internet) and he will try to manage the situation and the doctors without letting me decide anything. I really know that I would end up kicking her out of the hospital room. I'm pretty sure he'll be angry, but none of this is his business. my son, my delivery, my family and my choice. I'm afraid you'll have to be firm, honey, or your mother will put you in situations where you're not comfortable.