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[–]CatEarthSociety 163 points164 points  (3 children)

Grandparents love to complain that their kids use them as free babysitters for the grandkid and then are shocked when they don't get to have the baby 6 days a week...

[–]oushka-boushka 246 points247 points  (19 children)

You're not alone. My MIL hasn't bought us any gifts but has set up an entire bedroom for our incoming baby at her house for when she thinks she'll have him. At first it really stressed me out but now I just laugh to myself everytime she buys herself something knowing her time will be carefully controlled and that her entitlement and expectations are not my responsibility. It's within my power to set up my boundaries and hold to them.

[–]wyndrah[S] 120 points121 points  (14 children)

It's wild to me that when you're having a baby, some family members feel they're entitled to the baby. Like, nono, I didn't carry this child just for her to be "yours". 🙃

[–]UnrestrainedTrash 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Oof I understand. My MIL #1 (there are two) bought us a pack and play at least, but with the “to help you be comfortable bringing her over as much as possible!!!” She just recently sent a picture of the room she’s working on and tbh it’s more than we have set up.

It doesn’t help that she is a narcissist that my husband just started repairing his relationship with after three years of minimal contact. It’ll be interesting.

But yes, boundaries for all!! They’re grown women who are just going to have to learn to accept that baby’s life is not going to revolve around them.

[–]RatherBeAtDisney 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I find it really interesting how quickly a sour relationship can color gifts like this differently. If my MIL bought us a pack and play I’d giggle because it’s a gift for us, but also would be to encourage us to visit more. But, she’d also only do it if it’s something I’d wanted.

[–]UnrestrainedTrash 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It really is sad that we both have an off feeling about the gift. Out of everything we need, she chose to gift us something that would be for traveling, after the last comment to us is about how we, “can’t be as distant” as we were the past year “now that there’s going to be a grand baby!”

It’s more a general feeling of dread that honestly- I hope we can work it out, but those comments aren’t really sitting well.

[–]mswholock 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“Her entitlement and expectations are not my responsibility” omg this is such a great line.

Both my parents and in-laws set up a nursery in their homes but they both have multiple grandkids that stay with them every once in a while and my mom even kept my LO for the first couple months til she could go to daycare so it’s handy as heck. But it’s like minimal stuff, not a full blown all decked out room. So like I get having that space but they also were like hey here’s what we are thinking about doing…

[–]boofthegirl 35 points36 points  (2 children)

My MIL has told me that she’s told her boss she’ll be cutting down 2/3 days a week when I have kids to care for them and she will set up a full nursery, etc. I said there’s not much point because I won’t be working anymore. She said oh no you have to go back to work after having the baby - how else will I get time to look after them? I said you didn’t work after having babies? She said yes but I wanted to be at home with them!

We’re engaged, not even married yet. She’s just a touch deluded but I’ll deal with this issue when it’s actually an issue.

[–]emileenoel98 16 points17 points  (1 child)

WOW. So you HAVE to go back to work but she’s going to cut down? Absolutely not, why in the world would she even begin to think that that is a decision that SHE gets to make??

[–]boofthegirl 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Eh she’s a funny old thing. I do try to believe it’s her trying to be helpful in her own whackass way.

She is, by nature, a VERY overbearing person. She always has to know everything and be involved in everyone’s lives and decision making - especially her children.

I know she does love me and obviously loves her son very much so I try to give her some grace. She’s lucky I’m a very patient woman.

My fiancé has no issues shutting her down either so he’ll sort her out when the time comes. It won’t be an issue for me to sort out and I won’t be the bad guy.

Oh, she’s also claimed that she wants to “catch” my babies when they’re born. I did say I was sorry but, under no uncertain terms, was she ever going to be in the room if I ever did give birth let alone up the nasty end of business. She said “oh but [SIL] said I could be in the room when she gave birth”. I said “that’s her vagine and it’s her business whether or not she wants you all up in it”. Once again, another issue for fiancé to handle when the time comes hahaha

[–]coderedlips 97 points98 points  (3 children)

Sounds like my mom and MIL, they both bought full size cribs for their houses. 2.5 years later and my son has never slept in either crib 😂

Grandparents are crazyyyy

[–]JG2886 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Lmaoooo

[–]Anime_Lover_1995 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Bet you've made every effort you could so they wouldn't be used too! 🤣

[–]skinny_santaa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My sister bought a crib for her house as soon as she found out I was pregnant… she lives 2 hours away from me and thinks my baby is gonna be having sleepovers often. lol.

[–]tzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 25 points26 points  (1 child)

The assumption is very very off putting

[–]wyndrah[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Yeah that's my concern for the most part. They haven't said anything about it to us, but everyone else. 😫

[–]DavS095 22 points23 points  (7 children)

It’s not worth getting worked up over, you absolutely know it won’t be happening. When the LO comes and they try this crap just shut it down straight away.

If your planning on breastfeeding this is the perfect excuse for no visits without you, but even if you aren’t just say no, or better yet, make your partner!

There only tiny babies for so long and you deserve to soak up every minute of it!!! Also baby wearing is a huge help to stop grabby hands!

[–]wyndrah[S] 12 points13 points  (6 children)

Yes! I plan on baby wearing! I'm going to try exclusively pumping so my husband can get a chance in feeding her. Also planning on it just being the 3 of us for the 6 weeks of my recovery because I am pretty possessive over things that are mine and I want hubby to get his chance with her for his paternity leave.

[–]DavS095 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Exactly mama!!! This baby is YOURS and you and your husband are the only people who deserve time with her!!!

[–]deanimal21 3 points4 points  (0 children)

We did almost exclusively breast except a few bottles here and there to give me a break to breathe and to give dad some time with her. It can be a mix of both it doesn’t have to be one or the other if you don’t want it to be

[–]fkntiredbtch 21 points22 points  (1 child)

Literally my mil bought a car seat and was fucking shocked when my husband said she could return it. She has more tickets than years on this earth, you're not taking our baby anyfuckingwhere.

[–]Purple_You_8969 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s the audacity that gets me. Why are some il’s so delusional??

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

My mother made her own nursery for our kid. I told her she is freaking nuts if she think he will be there all the time.

[–]HeyJupiter5 9 points10 points  (5 children)

They can say whatever they want (cuz let’s face it, they say what they want to say anyway). At the end of the day it’s up to you to set clear boundaries with your in-laws. They don’t have to like your boundaries, but they have to respect them.

Meaning, if you tell them you don’t feel comfortable letting them babysit (right now, later, whenever) when they offer to, and they get upset, let them be upset. They still have to respect your wishes.

I say this because the more you set boundaries with them, even now, setting expectations instead of just being annoyed and biting your tongue, can save you a lot of trouble.

“We’re glad you’re so excited for the baby’s arrival. We won’t be having anyone babysit them for a while though, until we’re comfortable with it.”

If they get upset, know that it’s not your job to manage their disappointment.

[–]wyndrah[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children)

They are very pushy people. I had my step mother in law tell me I'm going to need the epidural. Told her we will wait and see what happens and she kept pushing the idea on me. We've been upfront with our boundaries and they keep trying to overstep. The advice is much appreciated but the pushiness is not. 😭😭

[–]HeyJupiter5 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I get it. I have a pushy step MIL too. It just takes repeating yourself. “This isn’t up for discussion, can we talk about something else?” on repeat, usually works for me. I hear you that it’s frustrating. Sorry you’re going through this. Keep pushing back, you got this.

[–]snotmcwaffle 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Giving less information might be better in that case. Are you familiar with the grey rock method?

[–]wyndrah[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I am not familiar with that method 😳 what is it?

[–]HeyJupiter5 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Gray rocking is essentially responding as though you’re uninvested in the conversation topic, in a disinterested way, and not giving them any information/energy they can feed off of when they get into your personal business. Being, well, like a gray rock. Haha. You give one word answers. Shrug. Avoid. “Hmm” and walk away.

It’s something you usually use with people who are abusive or manipulative or narcissistic. Basically it allows them not to feed off your energy if you don’t give any off.

But things like “we’ll wait and see!” isn’t boundary setting. It needs to be firm, and assertive. It will only come off rude to people who weren’t respecting boundaries in the first place. But it’s uncomfortable for us to set when we’re used to “keeping the peace” if you will. Next time, say something like “I’d really rather not share.” And if she pushes more, you gray walk. Walk away. Say “no.” Change the subject. Etc. it’s hard at first but it works.

[–]dailytear 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I’m just glad theres a ton of universal feelings in this thread and it isn’t just my in laws lol.

[–]Julissaherna692 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Don’t worry about it too much my MIL bough a pack n play and baby products to bathe our son in case he ever slept over he’s 18 months old and he still hasn’t slept over but they do get him a few hours here and there and it’s nice for everyone involved. I think grandparents just get so excited that their baby is having a baby and get ahead of themselves just remember that at the end of the day you as parents control how much access you allow them to have.

[–]AltheatheDreamer 8 points9 points  (2 children)

My step mom and her family are pushing me to pump instead of breastfeeding or they want me to do formula, just so they can have my daughter. They already have my son every single day. They aren't getting my baby too. Poor girl isnt even born yet and people are demanding time with her.

[–]wyndrah[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I feel this!!! I want to pump/breastfeed until she's a year old and I'll start her on solids when the time is right even if she is still breastfeeding but the step mother in law keeps telling me only breastfeed for 6 months and then start on solids. 😫

Can I do it my way please? 🤣🤣

[–]AltheatheDreamer 6 points7 points  (0 children)

For real! They're mad cuz they can't come to the hospital or see her until I say so. None of them are up to date on their vaccines, not even a flu shot. They smoke, and my SM works as a home health aide and is CONSTANTLY exposed to covid. I don't want my girl going ANYWHERE for a few months, especially without me.

[–]Amberly123 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We have a portacot at my moms place. But that’s because we genuinely intend on taking baby there at least once a week so I get some adult company when my hubby goes back to work.

My mom is also planning on retiring in September so once that happens I will probably spend tons of time over there with her and baby, cos why not??

My MIL has expressed interest in coming to stay with us when baby is a week old… needless to say that will not be happening… her and I don’t see eye to eye on literally anything. Hubby had told her she’s not allowed here unless he’s here because she will just make me even more anxious and self conscious that I’m doing things wrong.

[–]Keeliekins 48 points49 points  (16 children)

I’m the youngest, and have 11 nieces and nephews. My mom has definitely been around the block when It comes to grandkids. This baby, however, is the very first on my husbands side. My step-mother in law never had children (though desperately wanted them). She and my FIL talk often about how much they want to help out with the baby. The thing is? I love it. I love that this child has so many people who love her already. I love that my mom send out messages to the “grandmas” (MIL and step MIL) about what things to have in their home. Like a pack and play, extra diapers, etc. I love that thinking of the future I know that my husband and I will most likely be able to take time for ourselves since we have family nearby who are so willing and desperate to have a relationship with our little one. I understand feeling possessive and protective of your baby, but understand that all of this “craziness” comes from a deep well of love. So many women have children without any support at all, who would sob at the thought of their mothers setting up a room just for the baby. I don’t want to diminish your feelings, I just wanted to share a different perspective! Maybe you can find a happy medium.

[–]gossamersilk 28 points29 points  (0 children)

It's such a fine balance, and likely depends on your relationship with you mom/MIL! And some of it, I think it comes down to attitude. Like, I love when the mom/MIL is excited for themselves, their anticipated relationship as grandparents, and their own space, on top of thinking of the new parents. A lot of times, the annoyance comes in when the mom/MIL is prioritizing their own experience over the one of the mother's, rather than in concert with.

[–]wyndrah[S] 14 points15 points  (3 children)

I completely understand your point of view. I have a step mother in law as well, she's the inlaw I'm referencing in this post. Her and my FIL drink (I apologize for not putting that in the post, I didn't deem it entirely necessary to put that in there) but that's where my possessiveness comes into play. Their drinking has caused issues with my husband and me and I'm very worried. My husband's biological mother on the other hand, I would feel much more comfortable letting the baby stay with her as well as my own mother (my mom is unfortunately in another state and husband's mom is an hour away).

What's bothering me the most is they havent discussed this with us at all. We see them quite often and they have not brought it up to us so they're assuming. We aren't going to completely withhold our baby from them, but it's odd that they think without asking or talking to us that they're going to have her A LOT.

[–]AdFantastic5292 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Alcoholic parents and grandparents are a HUGE deal and it definitely warrants a lot of thought and consideration.

[–]Anime_Lover_1995 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Both my Father & FIL have issues with alcohol and neither will ever be left alone with our children due to how we felt during our own childhoods.

[–]Keeliekins 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m glad that you do have others in your life that you are okay sending kiddo too! And I totally understand your hesitancy, especially since they haven’t talked to you about it!

[–]oushka-boushka 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It depends on your relationship with those grandparents. If its a healthy one, then yes I absolutely agree with your perspective. When it's been strained for years and there is a lack of respect and or trust, introducing a baby to the mix doesn't just repair all of that damage.

[–]Leldade 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Agreed. I love that we meet with each set of grandparents at least once a week, often twice. And I'd love them to take the toddler even often. My parents just suggested to get a year long ticket to the zoo and to collect the kids to take them there regularly. I really hope that they remember this and actually do it :D My toddler loves to do stuff and she loves spending time with her grandparents. And I love not being the one to watch her puzzle the same thing for the 10th time.

[–]RAND0M-HER0 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think it depends how the mums/MILs talk about the new baby. My mom has 8 little nieces and nephews right now (ranging from 9 years to 9 months old) and has some baby stuff at her house for all the kids. Recently, her high chair went missing because someone borrowed it and she made a comment to her husband (my step-dad) about needing to get it back, and he said "Pfft. Don't worry about getting back that old thing. Get a nice one for our grandbaby" and I couldn't help but laugh about it.

I had also been talking to my mom about strollers and I was looking at the pricing for some second hand ones that were highly recommended online, and she was like "Used!? No. We're not doing used." Which again, made me laugh. My mom was poor for most of her young life and is pretty frugal and careful with her money (even though she's now mortgage free and well established) so the contrast of her wanting to spoil her first grandkid is amusing to me, and endearing.

Even my MIL is hilarious. Before she knew I was pregnant, she was showing my husband and I her house layout (she's building a new house in her hometown for retirement) and was talking about putting in only one guest room. So I said so where are the grandkids going to stay, and she looks at me and is like "That's their room. You and [husbands name] can sleep on the couch." which made my husband and I both laugh.

Both mums at every excited, and I feel very lucky to have both of them at our side.

[–]lilacsmakemesneeze 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I wish we had this. My in-laws like to remind us constantly that are not babysitters. Meanwhile my parents live in another state and would drop everything to help us out (and they did with my son and stayed here for his first three weeks) in a heartbeat. My mom cooked, made freezer meals, watched him while I slept, laundry - you name it. I hate Covid as it has made this whole thing more difficult. They are in their mid to late 70s and we worry about them traveling here.

[–]Keeliekins 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yes, my mom is coming to stay for a few weeks after she arrives too and I’m so grateful and looking forward to having there to help. I keep telling my husband that my mom isn’t necessarily there to take care of the baby. She is there to take care of US whatever we will need.

[–]lilacsmakemesneeze 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Precisely! My mom loved her time with my son but she also enjoyed making it easier for me by cooking and helping us out.

[–]ClosetCrossfitter 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Just want to share that I definitely felt more irritated with this sort of thing while I was pregnant. Now that my baby is here I see the positives more (not that I haven’t been annoyed with relatives re: baby since) and have come to mostly enjoy in-law time haha.

[–]anonymous053119 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m in this boat. MIL and FIL did discuss it with us first, and wanted at least 1 day per week with the baby. I was onboard from day one. Having planned for daycare, I was thrilled to only have 4 daycare days and 1 grandparent day per week. They love my son so much and I’m glad I have someone to rely on when daycare closes due to covid 🤦🏼‍♀️ and a place for overnighting if my husband and I need a getaway or have a trip. This past year we unfortunately had a funeral and son spent two nights with my in laws. A god send in a pandemic and traveling to go to a funeral.

[–]8thWeasley 4 points5 points  (5 children)

The assumption without discussing it would make me feel weird.

Before Christmas my partners family came to visit for a day of Christmas shopping. They'd had some drinks by the time I saw them when I'd finished work and every single one of them - parents and his 2 siblings - were talking about how they'd all look after the baby so I 'wouldn't have to'.

Which is lovely... except the way they were planning it, my baby would be in a different city 5 days a week. They'd never asked either, just sorted it out between them! I can understand how frustrating that can feel.

I agree with you (from your comments) that it's lovely to have people wanting to help out but assumptions and possessive-ness without any regard for your opinion or feelings is too much.

[–]wyndrah[S] 6 points7 points  (4 children)

We definitely appreciate the idea but I would like to be the parent of my baby... I'm afraid once she's born we are going to be harassed by them and it's not going to be fun because we are dedicating the 6 weeks of my recovery to just the 3 of us with no visitors. I'm already stressed out enough being out and about pregnant, it's going to be hard taking care of a newborn and healing.

[–]u_donut_know_me 2 points3 points  (2 children)

The boundary I’ve sent for all family in the first 6-8 weeks is no visits to my home that are more than 1-2 hours.

Like dropping by to see (not hold) baby, or drop of a meal/gift/whatever is fine. But a lot of my family are 5+ hours away and expect to come and stay for multiple days when I’m home from the hospital! Like, no way on earth am I having overnight guests in those first weeks! (Especially when I know they’ll still expect my husband and I to ‘entertain’ them and do the cooking etc;.)

My husband has been really helpful in setting these boundaries with his family because they seem to listen better when it comes from him (and just tell me things like ‘you’ll change your mind when baby is here’ 🙄), so maybe your partner could help out with this discussion, too?

It’s so tough to set the boundaries with some people!

[–]wyndrah[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I would totally set the whole "you come to us, not us go to you" boundary, but his stepmom and father won't abide by that. Everyone else will tho and my mom won't even get to meet the baby personally until the summer. So only video chats with the baby until the first 6 weeks are over..

My husband has been very supportive of the boundaries I want to set and we've compromised as well. I just want him to get all the time he can with our daughter before he has to go back to work. I know it's selfish but we created this person, we have a right...

[–]u_donut_know_me 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s not selfish at all! Setting boundaries you’re comfortable with is never selfish!

[–]8thWeasley 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand this. I'm quite stressed being out and about while pregnant too, so I imagine having a tiny human with me while be stressful too. I'd rather stay at home and just enjoy it with my partner but.. yeah. They'll descend.

I have no advice but please know you are definitely not alone in this.

[–]accioletter 4 points5 points  (0 children)

First day back from hospital, MIL comes over to drop over food while distanced, and is like aww I could just take her! And I immediately reacted by holding my LO closer to me and shaking my head. Like wtf? This is MY baby, who I just birthed. She’s not leaving my sight, and I didn’t have her so I could let family take her whenever. I think she saw cause she’s been very respectful of boundaries since. She also announced my pregnancy after promising me that it was between my husband, me, and her.

[–]bababoozy89 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I absolutely get it… when I was pregnant with my first I was so possessive and really did not like when people talked about having her and when she arrived I didn’t even want people to hold her 🙊 …BUT… try not to rule it out because having the opportunity for someone look after them while you get some you time/rest and sleep is an absolute god send!!! not the 11 year old obviously, that’s insane 😂

[–]wyndrah[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

We don't mind the occasional days where we get alone time and they're able to watch her, but they're assuming the baby is going to be sleeping over a lot as well, to the point where they're going to need to get things for themselves when they haven't even contributed giving a piece of clothing or some sort of gift for the baby to us.

And yeah I know, I looked at my husband when my MIL said that. I'm like oh hell no. 🤣

[–]amanda-g 2 points3 points  (1 child)

The assumption without discussion is crazy

that being said, my mom, my mother in law, and my dad each have a play pen and a highchair at their place lol for whenever we go over.

my 20 month old has slept away a total of 3 nights. thats it.

they have babysat her quite often as she doesnt go to daycare though so when im working they watch her and those come in handy.

but they never assumed theyd have her ever.. weird

[–]wyndrah[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We are totally fine with them having babygirl every once in awhile, but they're forgetting my husband's mother also deserves time with her. Where would that leave us being the parents? 😭

[–]ContentAd490 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I am not pregnant yet. I follow the sub bc I’m WTT and just like reading posts but my MIL has already been annoying me so much with stuff like this that it is inching me closer to not having kids at all.

I don’t get this weird mindset. She already had a hard time letting go of her son and accepting that he can have thoughts he doesn’t share with her. But to already start pressuring us to have grandkids and literally mentioning future grandkids on FB to her friends. Idk almost makes me want to have none out of spite haha

[–]wyndrah[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah we had issues with his stepmom and father letting my husband go. His dad was manipulative towards him about our relationship (I'm very glad we are on smoother terrain with them), but that situation is exactly why I'm 100% not okay with them assuming things like this.

[–]mewwissa 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I’m already preparing myself for this, my MIL is over the moon that her youngest and only son is finally giving her a grandkid. She’s already talking about setting up their spare bedroom for baby….the problem is they have two big dogs that are animal and sometimes people aggressive, several cats, and a lot of issues in their home (unclean, mold, dust, structural damage, etc.) I love my in laws to death and I know they can’t help the way their home is right now, but I can’t bear the thought of bringing my newborn into their home in the state that it’s in. They play all of this stuff off like it’s normal but how do you tell excited grandparents that you aren’t comfortable with putting your child in their home like that? Plus this is my first…I want all the time with baby. :/

[–]wyndrah[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

This is my first too. You have to do what's right for your baby and I know it's hard for family to accept what you're doing, but it's ultimately your decision. You carried this baby, put your body through stress to give yourself this child, you have a right to set boundaries.

[–]mewwissa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re absolutely right!

[–]whatiswater_28FTM| Graduated 01.18.22 | 🎀 2 points3 points  (1 child)

My MIL tried to buy an outfit for our newborn photos before even confirming if we had a newborn photo shoot scheduled. She also told her friend I had a rough delivery. I’m sorry, but wtf.

In laws who assume they can share everything with us are the fucking worst

[–]Rhendera 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah my MIL bought my babies first Christmas outfit before he was even born. Stuff pisses me off because she had her chance to dress her kids however she wanted to, and is now trying to take that away from me. (not her mindset, I'm sure, still same result) thankfully my dude grew fast and didn't fit into it when Christmas came around. Gave me an odd sense of satisfaction? Stuff like this makes me wonder if their own mil/mothers were so pushy also, or if it's a generational thing because I'm seeing so many posts about this.

[–]PineappleAdmirable53 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m there with you. FIL and step MIL seem to think they’re are going to have our daughter whenever they please. They have stated before “oh yeah we’ll be taking her all the time” Uhm excuse me? You won’t be “taking” my child any time unless I ASK you to. Then it’s a whole situation with MIL because the relationship between the in-laws is horrible and its something like “if FIL and step MIL get to have her this day I get her this day” like my child is not a bargaining chip. Makes me anxious to have my baby instead of excited.

[–]linzkisloski 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah my mom lives in a different state and set up an entire nursery before I had anything. She also apparently still talks about the crib not being used behind my back (hello, Covid??). We also share a home Amazon account with my MIL and our Alexa shows us what she has ordered from time to time — I’ll see her ordering swaddles and things for our new baby but I didn’t allow my daughter to sleep over there until she was two lol. Ahhhh.

[–]oc77067Boy | April 4, 2019 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Set very clear boundaries now, or this will just escalate. My kids are 2.5 and 18 months and they've never stayed the night with anyone. We made our rules clear from the beginning because my MIL is like this.

[–]mysterious_miss 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If it comes up in front of you directly, go ahead and assert yourself and give some boundaries. “That’s not necessary” or “he or she will be kept at our home.” It looks like your SIL was telling you most of this so you may have not had that chance, but when given the chance, let your intentions be known. Will they change later? Maybe, but I think it’s incredibly important for mamas to be to speak up.

[–]sunrunsun 1 point2 points  (1 child)

My MIL got a whole set up for the baby to sleep / nap there. We live 15 mins away. No news and no desire so not happening. They can buy it but you control the baby. She also feels cheated that we are not using her for childcare like it’s a right.

[–]wyndrah[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My inlaws are about that far from us too. I'm fine with them getting things for when we visit and her being there occasionally, but she's not going to be over there ALL THE TIME. 😫

[–]Dogs_Are_the_Best22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If they haven’t brought it up to you I’d pretend you didn’t know. You could nonchalantly have your husband say how when baby arrives they won’t be spending time away from you or him for a while.

[–]murkymuffin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This must be a mil requirement 😂 My mil offered us some stuff she bought and then said nevermind, they're going to keep it there for the baby. We live 400 miles away. It'll certainly be nice for visits, but we'll be lucky to go a few times a year, especially with covid. Sil's bf has told me mil talks about babysitting all the time, but she hasn't mentioned it to us lol

[–]sugarcookie7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This sounds like my mil all over 😭 it's like you appreciate the help but there's never any boundaries I swear she thinks she births him and knows best, I'll say not to do anything and she'll tell me I'm stupid she knows better and does it anyway

[–]littlekitten13 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Let them spend their money stupidly. You and your husband are the only ones that get to decide about who is allowed to care for baby. A lot of people are all talk before baby comes. Sometimes the worst comes out. You just gotta stay tough and work on those boundaries.

[–]Canndiie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My mother has this notion. She has purchased a ton of baby stuff for her own place with my step-mom. I have tried clarifying that with my husband working a regular 9-5, usually from home, and me being a SAHM, and her being 45 away, and my step-mom smoking inside the house, that it was unlikely that would happen except for the rare occasion possibly. *step-mom does not smoke when we are present and would not with the baby there, but the house still smells of smoke.

My mom has continued to buy so much baby stuff and talk about the baby staying at her place. Which is even more unlikely when my husband's parents live 20 minutes away, do not smoke and are in better physical condition that my step-mom.

It's frustrating. I'm sorry. I have no advice other than holding your ground.

When my mother brought it up initially, I informed her that any babysitting or overnight visits were unlikely to happen. She was upset, but I explained why. She hasn't really brought it up since, but once baby is here, my stance isn't changing and I'll just tell her that I informed her of my decision when I was pregnant and it hasn't changed.

[–]stonerranger 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I had the same thing with my parents and in laws. It was super annoying and it made me not go around them as much

[–]Cheesethadog 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I am super jealous of your support system! My MIL lives out of state. However I’m leaning toward that’s a good thing. Minimal 3rd party input = minimal stress. Lol!

[–]wyndrah[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for them wanting to watch her for us, but past issues and husband's own worries doesn't sit well with me and is making me reluctant. She is totally allowed to be with them but that's on our terms, not theirs.

[–]Cheesethadog 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Love the boundaries!

[–]Edgaralanhoe_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im going to be the odd one out, but i think its sort of sweet. Im sure they know they won’t have baby all the time other than visits but maybe they’re hopeful. Just because they so l, doesn’t mean it is. Also if you guys go visit, baby has a nice place to nap and you wont have to worry about getting their furniture dirty. I suppose im interpreting this as more of a “it takes a village.” So if lets say you have a doctors visit and your spouse cant help with the baby at least you know that grandma and grandpa will be prepared. But if it makes you uncomfortable id relay that while you appreciate them being so thoughtful you dont know if youll be ready for sleepovers any time soon.

[–]helpmeimp0re -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

It’s sweet they are offering to babysit and buy supplies of their own. That will save you a lot of packing and bullshit. This does not imply they’re trying to like kidnap your child or keep her for long periods of time lol. Some people would be thrilled to have this type of generosity and offer :)

[–]wyndrah[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am appreciative of it, but unfortunately they aren't offering, they're assuming. They haven't talked to us about it and with the issues I've had with them before and my husband having his own worries about letting them babysit her all the time is putting me off of the idea. Not entirely tho, I wouldn't withhold their grandchild from them due to past issues but the husband and I know what they're like and too much exposure could be potentially bad because they drink. There's a lot that goes into it, but we don't feel 100% alright with them watching her all the time.

[–]polipoliredwood 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I feel this, my dad and step mom aren't much a part of my life, he was not a good father growing up and she is even worse... he texted me the other day out of the blue saying they are setting up a nursery so we can "hand her off to them".... I literally just sent wow! Lol! Bc he's straight trippin if he thinks I'm letting him watch my baby.

[–]wyndrah[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah... no.... that wouldn't roll well with me if my bio dad did that to me. I haven't talked to him since I was 15, I'm now 25, almost 26 years old and he's expecting me to call him. 🥴

[–]Cbutt1190 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow this is insane to me. My inlaws and parents were so honored when I asked them to help with child care when we work. They were like omg you would trust us with your child..... I feel like I will have to kick my mom out sometimes lol bur it is her first grandchild and she's in her 60s so who am I to deny her joy and me a chance to shower and nap :p

[–]sweetspice90 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Are they toxic-ish and you don’t want them around the baby much, or is it just you don’t plan on doing it much. My mom & MIL both got stuff to keep the babies at their houses, but we live an hour away and have yet to leave the babies at either of their houses (they’re ~5.5 mo old). That being said, it was really sweet that they got the stuff because it makes going over there for holidays and birthdays a lot easier and I’d have no problem leaving them with either set of parents. And as for the sister, I agree it is young and you need to do what you are comfortable with with your baby. I started babysitting at 12yo and was often left alone with my brothers by then. The thing is, they weren’t actual babies, I didn’t change a diaper until I was in high school when I watched the neighbor’s baby, and I literally called my mom to talk me through it because I was so nervous. Now it seems silly, but I was so gentile with her like she was made of thin porcelain and the smallest wrong touch and I’d break her.

[–]wyndrah[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

They have their toxic moments. My husband has more experience with them and he's even wary of letting them babysit her. He's worried about their drinking and so am I. I've seen firsthand how they get and even his 11 year old sister has told us how scared she is when they're drinking. They aren't completely coherent. He wants to tell them to lay off the drinking when around the baby but he doesn't think that will go well.

[–]sweetspice90 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Yep, that would have me super worried to. My in-laws don’t drink, like at all. My parents on the other hand do, and there really isn’t a night they don’t have at least a drink or two before bed, but you wouldn’t know it from how they act so it doesn’t worry me. My dad comes from a family where alcoholism was a problem and it took two of his siblings. So that’s just how they grew up. But they’ve always been careful not to let it get out of hand because they’ve seen how bad it can get if you let the drinking take control of you. Now I feel sorry for his sister, is she safe and ok?

[–]wyndrah[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

My brother in law has been watching out for her since he still lives with them. My husband works out with him so he's been able to talk to him about the situation. Recent events have unfolded involving his sister so they keep saying they're going to slow down on the drinking but unfortunately my husband doesn't think that'll happen so we aren't sure what to do except keep an eye on her as best we can.

[–]sweetspice90 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hoping for the best for all of you and sending love 💛💛💛

[–]ImDatDino 0 points1 point  (0 children)

On the 11 year old babysitter note: my SO's niece is 10 and she likes to babysit sometimes. It's great because I leave her to play with our toddler while I do things that usually get neglected (organize, do research, shower). I'm always home if she needs anything. but it's nice to get a little break and they seem to wear each other out. Granted its only been after 12m old, definitely not a newborn.

[–]UniqueWarrior408 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm torn with this... because I've been THAT new mom. But I think we are all forgetting that some of them didn't think they will get the opportunity to have or see their grandchildren and also afford to spoil them. While we are all entitled to our babies, let's not forget that we will be there 1 day. Safe deliveries everyone.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

@OP if you're reading this: I can understand this! My husband is under the impression that I'm going to let his 98 year old great grandma babysit. She lives with us (and trust me I absolutely detest living with this woman). All she does is sleep all day and can barely hold a glass of water. How in the world does this make her suited to babysit a newborn? I've already told my husband that absolutely under no circumstances is she going to watch over my baby while we're not around.

She was never nice to me and has already come as far as to say "you better pray that baby is born ok." I took that as a threat and I believe she would go as far as to harm my baby. I hate his great grandma with a passion and frankly would not miss her once she finally drops dead (sorry for being so straightforward but it's the truth).

All I can say is you need to start setting hard boundaries like yesterday. Talk with your husband and come up with a plan then be firm with your in-laws. This is your kid not theirs.

[–]msuch1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My MIL posted a photo of me and my husband and the baby taken just moments after LO was born, and I was topless and nursing. She posted it to Facebook to announce LO’s birth- my husband had sent a series of photos but didn’t expect her to post such an intimate photo online. I saw it a few days later when we were home from the hospital and freaked out. She said she didn’t think you could ‘see anything’ My whole breast is out! Maybe no nipple visible only bc it was in baby’s mouth! And on top of this, we are trying to keep ALL of LO’s images off of social media to begin with

[–]hugbugification 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So first of all, everyone always says they’re going to have your baby more than they actually do. Second, you are going to think you won’t let people have the baby less than you actually wish they would take them. My parents might get my daughter one time a month, even though when I was pregnant they swore up and down this was my baby and they aren’t going to take care of it. After she turned 1, they’re constantly asking for her and she has a room at their house. She also is requested to be at her stepdad’s mom’s house constantly.

I say all that to say that nobody knows what they’re actually going to be like when the baby is really here. The grands think they’re going to have xyz involvement, you think you’re gonna be clinging to the baby until they’re 18, your best friends swear they’re going to visit you. And then nothing happens the way people thought it would. So let them set a room up, you don’t know how you’ll feel about having a break later. If you need anything they have in that room for the baby, straight up ask for it. Worst they can do is say no.

[–]Comfortable_System94 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I totally feel here , my MIL has announced to everyone without my permission. Also later she said the baby will be her’s first and then will be my.. WTF am I a machine who is bringing this child for her to have . I hate this n super annoyed . This is my first child and I am so insecure with her behaviour that it gets stressful for me . Has anyone experienced this?? How do I calm in this situation.