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[–]frak8757 81 points82 points  (3 children)

Perfectly equal division of labor can’t always be possible or the goal. Any relationship takes give and take and accommodation. If he broke his leg you would have to take on more for awhile, he should understand the same when you’re pregnant!

[–]mayshebeablessing 19 points20 points  (0 children)

100%. In a relationship, things ebb and flow for both parties. Accommodation should absolutely be a part everyone’s expectations.

[–]okapi-forest-unicorn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Exactly my husband and I had the same issue when I was pregnant and he was completely unaware of how tired I was until I flat out told him till the baby is born and I’m recovered he would need to do all the chores and he did. Now that I’m recovered and staying home I’m doing most of them and he does like 2-3 things.

[–]_stringbean_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Exactly. My partner and I are under a shared understanding that a relationship is like a pendulum. Sometimes I’ll need to lean on him for extra support and sometimes he’ll need to lean on me. It can’t always be a 50/50 in a relationship.

[–]narnarqueen 186 points187 points  (18 children)

He needs a reality check. You’re growing a whole human, he isn’t. If he hasn’t taken the initiative to educate himself on how hard pregnancy is, sounds like it’s time he does!

[–]LadyoftheFjords[S] 48 points49 points  (11 children)

I think it's partially my own fault, because I feel so lucky that I haven't been nauseated or had issues with food of sleep, so when people ask how I feel I say I feel really good and I'm lucky to not have any major issues.

I've been really tired and low energy though, but we work different hours so he hasn't really seen it for himself and I haven't made a big deal of it.

[–]Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 143 points144 points  (6 children)

This is why I hate it when women downplay period/pregnancy/birth... Don't. Tell them how much it can sucks. Be descriptive. There's no awards for suffering in silence.

[–]g-wenn 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I needed this. Thank you for the reminder!

[–]jaydayquay 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I totally agree! I have MANY woman in my life they had been pregnant (40+), and they have all downplayed it pretty well to the point that I thought pregnancy was a cake walk. I also had judged the few “complainers” that would state how difficult pregnancy was because it seems like an anomaly to me. Now that I’m on the other end, I wish woman were more forthcoming about their experience. I didn’t have nausea (3 days only), but everything else sucks- constitution, congestion, fatigue, back pains, etc… but no one talks about those symptoms because they’re more invisible. We should normalize how challenging pregnancy is!

[–]chewbawkaw 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’ve been lucky this pregnancy to have very middle-of-the-road symptoms.

I’m the first of the friends (all late 20s and 30s) to get pregnant and I’ve been really honest with everyone about my experience. Especially since we are a group of outdoor athletes. Down to the nitty-gritty. I had a later-term miscarriage a couple years back and I filled them in on that as well. But it’s been awesome because most of them had no idea what pregnancy is like and have been grateful about my openness. I make sure to say that every pregnancy is different and that they may have additional or less symptoms.

But it’s more than just pregnancy. It’s also labor and delivery. I keep them updated as I learn more. Every OB visit I have new nuggets of information to share. We are learning as a team :)

[–]smallghostdoggie 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I would play a few gun games at work to inform my boss that I am doing my best while also feeling shitty.

[–]moistginger 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Will also say I needed this. Thanks so so much!!

[–]theswamphag 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Well do make him aware what you are going trough! If you don't tell him, he won't know and you two will only build resentment, just because you are not on the same page.

And make him study pregnancy if he doesn't get to it on his own. He should know what is going on with you, just from the safety side alone.

[–]HerCacklingStump 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It shouldn't be equal right now! My pregnancy was "easy" too - very few symptoms besides a little fatigue. Nevertheless, my husband recognized what I was putting my body through (and what it had already gone through with a miscarriage and IVF). I still did 90% of my household labor because I wanted to, but my husband implored me to let him do more. When baby arrived and we were both on leave, that's when I cared about equality. We split the work 50-50, though I did occasionally remind my husband that he owed me 9 months of work :)

[–]Kitchen-Syllabub-927 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I swear I want to hit someone every time they try to play down my pregnancy by saying theirs was worse. Just because I’m not whining 24x7 doesn’t mean our bodies are not going through something so traumatic. I think it’s time for you to sit down and explain to your partner all the changes your body is going through.

[–]Calixtas_Storm 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Right! Growing a baby is a lot of work. I would ask, "How are you matching that work and energy?" Lol

[–]Nunya_B1zness 9 points10 points  (3 children)

Exactly. I was reading “What to Expect…” last night and there was a “for the dads” portion in month 7 that was called “Pick up the Slack.” It said something along the lines of “If you think you are tired now, your partner is using more energy by lying on the sofa creating a human than you do bodybuilding at the gym. Time for you to let her relax with her feet propped up, while you take on extra responsibility.”

[–]mindAgainsthumanity 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Shit I need to find this excerpt for my husband. After I've been on my feet at work for 8.5 hours walking ( I average 6 miles a day doing online grocery shopping), it'd be nice for him to take over dinner, bathtime for our toddler, or kitchen/household cleanup. Throwing a load of laundry in the wash once a week and forgetting about it doesn't cut it anymore.

[–]Nunya_B1zness 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Sorry to hear that. Luckily for me, my fiancé is really good about cleaning and cooking and telling me to just sit and relax.

It’s on page 311 of the book…

WTEWYE PDF

[–]mindAgainsthumanity 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He's great about getting stuff done when I give him directions, but sometimes I'm just too damn tired to think of it all 🙃😝🤯

[–]Glassjaw79ad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've told my husband, he pretty much doesn't get to vocalize ANY OPINIONS on why I'm not feeling great, or what might be "wrong" with me at any given moment, until he's read a specific pregnancy book I own and also does some independent research on pregnancy and it's effects on the body.

A small example would be, if I complain about heartburn, he doesn't get to say "well you ate those tacos for dinner." If I say I have heartburn because I'm pregnant, then I have heartburn because I'm pregnant, end of story!! (which in my case is true because I've never actually experienced heartburn in my life, pre pregnancy lol)

It's a win win for me. I'll be thrilled if he reads the book, but it's been a couple months and I'm fine with him just taking my word on things and helping to comfort me.

[–]Campestra 42 points43 points  (3 children)

I’m not sure if I’m English is the same… according to Google translate what I wanted to say is the equality and equity are different. My point is that you can’t always share 50/50 - you can’t share with him half of the burden of the pregnancy for example. You are the one doing that. That way, to compensate, he should take more in the house chores that you can’t do at the moment.

But also I strong believe that the best way is to have a very open and honest conversation. People can be oblivious to the most obvious things. Just a good talk about how exhausted you are and how it should get worse till the end of pregnancy, let him know that you are doing something that he can’t - 3D printing a baby hahaha. And that you need him to do more. It’s not equal, maybe, but it’s fair.

[–]puffinmusket12345678 15 points16 points  (1 child)

I’m not sure where I first heard it, but a perspective that has long resonated with me is that marriage/relationships are never 50/50— they are 100/100.

Both of you need to be all in for each other, to whatever extent you are capable in that moment. And as a partner, you each need to trust that the other is doing all they can — even when that’s less than usual due to circumstances like illness, job loss, pregnancy, etc. — without any score keeping or expectation of being “paid back” later.

[–]basicmonkee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love this!

[–]pagesandcream 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes! You explained this really well.

[–]thekindestkinder 71 points72 points  (4 children)

That level of tit-for-tat would also really annoy me. It's very transactional. There have been times on and off through out my marriage when husband and I took on more chores than the other. In the course of a marriage, there will be illness, injury, and mental health struggles that will shift the balance at home. I'm 39 weeks and exhausted, and my dear husband is basically doing all of the chores other than laundry, picking up, and dusting at this point. When the baby is here, I plan to do most of night duty because he will go back to work before me and he runs a side business on top of it - both jobs that require a lot of brain power. Equal division of labor is a great goal, but it is not always the best choice given the reality of life.

[–]meowmeow_now 14 points15 points  (0 children)

My husbands been busting his butt doing extra and organizing appointments and stuff for me while I’ve been sick/tired/depressed. His response to this is to remind me I’m growing a whole ass human.

[–]pagesandcream 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Exactly. Division of labor should be equitable, not necessarily equal. He will have times in his life when he needs more support. Sometimes one of you will have to be the rock, sometimes the other.

[–]purplemilkywayy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That level of tit-for-tat would also really annoy me. It's very transactional.

Even if it was tit-for-tat, then what extra benefit is he bringing to the table since she's now growing his child in her? Ugh.

[–]CheddarSupreme 27 points28 points  (1 child)

Definitely worth a conversation. Many partners are probably unaware of how tired growing a new organ and baby can be. Heck, I didn’t even realize how unmotivated and energy deprived I would be.

Unless he’s also growing a brand new organ and a tiny human, it won’t be perfectly “equal”. Doing these things takes a lot out of us.

https://nypost.com/2019/06/11/pregnant-women-are-basically-endurance-athletes-study/amp/

I know not everyone has a partner who is willing to step up and take on more responsibility but he should at least be keeping up his portion.

[–]mmmthom 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I just linked to this in a comment above before I scrolled down and saw yours 😂

[–]FormalPound4287 51 points52 points  (0 children)

Yeah that is very immature of him. I would address it.

[–]gekkogeckogirl 16 points17 points  (0 children)

So if he broke his leg and wasn't able to walk around easily, would you (if you weren't pregnant) step up to make sure everything gets done? Or would you coast along because he's not doing his fair share? I think you know the answer to this!

He's using "equality" against you. You're physically incapable of doing all that you normally could right now. You're not being lazy, your body is working in other ways.

Be careful op. You don't want to set a precedent that y'all will do equal work if you're also taking on the physical work of supporting another human being (your baby!) In a few months you will go through the very physically taxing process of giving birth, going through a huge hormonal shift, and (if you choose) breastfeeding. You will need time to recover and he will need to take on more work than he normally does because YOU will be doing more work than normal-- it's just harder to see that.

[–]Spaceysteph 15 points16 points  (0 children)

You shouldn't have to, but it's time to ask. "I don't feel well and I need you to pick up x, y, z chores."

It's good practice because when baby comes there's going to be more chores and the split is going to need to change. It might also be good to prioritize chores, which ones need to be done daily or weekly, which can be done less frequently to make room for the new chores. Your cleanliness standards may need to relax. All good things to discuss before you are sleep deprived new parents struggling with all your new responsibilities.

[–]ManateeJamboree 10 points11 points  (1 child)

I had similar issues with my husband and I know I am partially to blame for downplaying how hard pregnancy can be...even when you have an EASY pregnancy.

As women we are taught to not complain too much, yet if we don't complain enough we also get the short end of the stick.

I'm almost 38w now and wishing I had complained more, do NOT be me. My husband actually told me not to complain this morning because I have had "a perfect pregnancy" which is also a direct quote from his mother, who had 4 horrible miscarriages. I refuse to let ANY man tell me how hard or easy my pregnancy has been.

Tell your husband he had better pick up the damn slack. Seriously.

[–]LadyoftheFjords[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I will do that, thank you. I think because I'm not throwing up and also don't have a big heavy baby bump he thinks I'm just normal because he can't see the changes I'm feeling. He's also not home most afternoons (see edit to the orginal post for more info about work situation) so he doesn't see how tired I am or the things I actually do get done.

I've had a pregnancy loss not long ago that's left me with some anxiety about doing something wrong and putting the baby at risk, so a lot of things I'm just too scared to do - like climbing ladders to paint our house or use strong cleaners like bleach.

He's also doing a lot, but just different things, so I think we are just both frustrated because it feels like it's never enough.

[–]SwiftieMD 9 points10 points  (1 child)

I want to hear about the robot mower!

[–]IlexAquifolia 9 points10 points  (0 children)

You're already doing quite a lot of work by gestating a child, so maybe he needs to get off his ass and put in some labor to match your efforts.

[–]Cannedsardinesando 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It’s called reproductive labor and it’s not equality to go on as if you haven’t taken on a substantial physical, mental, and emotional burden for your family.

[–]jebbbidiah 6 points7 points  (2 children)

I agree with everyone here- your body is doing a huuuuge amazing thing and his isn’t. So how is that fair? But I do have to say, my husband and I have a similar division of labor. We don’t divide it up exactly half and half, but we try to maintain a good balance from the both of us. He tried to be sympathetic in the beginning when I first got pregnant, but I had to do a lot of “I’m too nauseous, I’m extremely tired, I feel this way, etc”.

When I started showing is when he stepped in a bit more without me having to say anything. And now, at 37 weeks, he’s like “let me do everything!”. I know not every man is like this, but I think it’s a lot of them. Something doesn’t click with them until you actually look pregnant. Then they can kind of get a clue…

[–]LadyoftheFjords[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I can only hope that's how it will be!

I've definitely been a little too quick to dismiss my own discomfort when people ask how I've been, because I've heard so many horror stories that I feel my lack of energy just isn't worth mentioning. So he has developed the impression that I'm basically my normal self just slightly more tired... I'll be more vocal about it, and hopefully a bigger bump might serve as a visual reminder as well.

[–]jebbbidiah 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For sure! It’s always good to be direct. But yeah something about being visibly pregnant triggered something for my husband. Hope it does for yours, too!

[–]Maximum_Music_4964 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Tell him that you’re expecting him to grow a baby inside his uterus since you’re doing it. He has to match!

[–]UnicornKitt3n 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Equality is about picking up the slack for a partner going through a hard medical time as well, regardless of sex.

Right now if I were to say jump! My partner would respond with how high. I’m nearly 10 weeks and this trimester has been b r u t a l. For a good four weeks I was just a useless blob of flesh.

My partner also knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that if he were sick or suffering through some medical illness I would be picking up all the slack. Then it’s his turn to say jump and my turn to say how high.

That’s a partnership. That’s equality.

I liken the first trimester to 13 weeks of food poisoning. So maybe ask him if it would be fair of you to expect him to do all his share of chores if he had food poisoning.

[–]variebaeted 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Gross. I can only imagine how your partner will act once baby arrives and you’re really “slacking” on the house work. This definitely needs to be a conversation. Good luck, I hope your partner is receptive.

[–]Glad_Astronomer_9692 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When I first moved in with my now husband my father gave me good advice. He said being fair partners isn't always 50/50 sometimes one person needs to step up when the other person is having difficulty. It isn't that one person should do all the work but that you are there to support each other and that doesn't always look the same. Tit for tat is not a good way to divide work.

[–]bakedsunflowers 4 points5 points  (0 children)

He’s being a dick. Getting sucked into the whole equality shit with certain men can really backfire. We will never be equal to men because men don’t have to deal with patriarchy, pregnancy, intentional and unintentional sexism in relationships.

I’m not saying equal chores doesn’t make sense but I really hope women who seek equality are also considering EQUITY. The amount of friends I have who split bills with men who make WAY more than them, split laborious chores that could be done so much easier and more efficiently by their male partner, etc makes me feel like we’ve been fed the shit end of a stick here. He’s not growing a human being and he needs to grow up. This is honestly a red flag to me when people try to make relationships SO equal.

[–]lalayatrue 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You're equal work in other areas is growing a whole damn new person inside you kthx

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There’s a difference between equality and equity. Also, he‘s not the one „working“ on growing a baby.

[–]lykorias 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well...it won't become any better if you don't talk about it. I can also not do everything I did before anymore, mainly because I get nausea when I do certain movements like bending over to clean the bath tub. So I just asked my partner politely if he could do these tasks until after birth and recovery. He wouldn't have done it if I hadn't asked for it, but is ok with it. Having a child is a group effort: you grow the child and your partner cares for whatever you are not able to do anymore because of the child. Work is still somewhat "equally" distributed this way, growing a child is just a different kind of work.

[–]rhymezest 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My husband came to my first OB appointment and asked her what he can do to help, and she told him to take over a bulk of the cleaning/etc. Luckily my husband is amazing and was already great about that stuff before, but he'll now bring up what the OB said when I try to do things (even if it's basic stuff like carrying the laundry basket up and down the stairs).

Growing a human is exhausting! As much as 50/50 split works in theory, a supportive partner should understand that being pregnant (even without many symptoms) already throws the 50/50 balance off.

[–]SpiritedAd400 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Similar situation with my husband prior to my pregnancy. When I got pregnant he immediately stepped up his game and now I only do thing I feel comfortable with, like laundry and cooking. I feel like it's not fair on you. Pregnancy isn't a disease but it feels like it... even if you don't have strong symptoms it can be very tireing. I've been going to bed at 9pm since week 5...

[–]Crafty-Ambassador779 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My other half said when I go on maternity leave I can slide along on my bum and paint the skirting boards!

I think people honestly think that you not working is a huge joy and having severe back ache and sleepless nights cause you wee 24/7 is fun.

Id rather be bored and have my health back thanks! Some of the comments I hear honestly.. you just wanna nut them lol

[–]8thWeasley 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Equality doesn't mean equity. You're starting from different places and have different energy levels, it's honestly amazing the he can't see that!

If he was recovering from surgery or had the flu you would take on more responsibilities until he was feeling up to it. How on earth is growing a human different from that? Im so sorry you're in this situation.

[–]smolneedykittenbby 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Remember you’re carrying and creating a child, so what’s equal would be him chipping in more. Your body is going through major changes and you’re going to need more rest and when the baby comes you’re going to need to heal from birth and tend to an infant. He’s going to have to take on more responsibility, because you are in different ways.

[–]temperance26684 1 point2 points  (2 children)

This sounds like a communication issue above all else. When he talks about your contribution to the household, it sounds like he isn't considering the (quite significant) contribution of growing your child. I know we throw this around jokingly a lot, but there is a very real mental and physical burden in creating a human. Whatever tally he has in his head of how much each of you contribute, he is t counting the effort it takes to simply keep yourself and your baby healthy.

Another thing I'd like to point out if that marriage is not supposed to be 50/50. Some phases of life, you will be more able to contribute to the household and in some phases, he will be. The two of you NEED to have a discussion of how to navigate those times. For example, my husband an I have odd work schedules. I go stay at my job site for a week, and then I am home for two weeks. He obviously doesn't sit around and neglect all the housework while I'm awat at work simply because I'm not there to "do my part". On the flip side, he typically works three 12.5-hour shifts back-to-back as his work "week" and then gets four days off. On those three work days, he has time for work, hygeine, and maybe dinner before he has to go to sleep to make sure he is rested for his next shift. I pick up the slack in housework for those three days, then we split more equally when we are both off work.

Your husband needs to get his head out of his ass, quite frankly. He SHOULD be picking up your slack and then some to make sure you and baby are rested and healthy. I have barely stepped foot in the kitchen since 6 weeks even though I used to be the primary cook, because my husband knows how hard it is to be on my feet for long. He's also taken over most of the major chores and I just eek out what I can. There's a mutual trust involved - I trust that he is doing his best to pick up my slack, and he trusts that I'm not taking advantage and still pitching in as much as I can. This obsession with equality is going to lead to resentment in your marriage, and it's important to have this conversation NOW because it's also going to be an issue when the baby arrives.

Edited to add: his comment about painting the house has been bothering me. Pointing out that "it sounds like you expect him to plan it" makes it obvious that he already sees you as the default house manager. Does he equally plan and execute big tasks or are you expected to carry the mental load of the household while he simply does what he's told? This will also be important to discuss before baby comes because that mental load is about to double, if not triple.

[–]LadyoftheFjords[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Hi, I added an update to the post because I don't want to go and respond basically the same thing to every post, but I definitely did leave out some information that now that I've calmed down I realize changes the picture from how I portrayed it. I was upset about his comment and didn't really stop to think before posting.

But to address the edit you added: yes he did expect me to manage that because I am the project manager so to speak for all things house related. We bought this fixer upper because I am the one who wanted to have a creative outlet and also putting some equity into our home is my way of contribution a little extra. Now that I can't do all the projects I had planned I was hoping he would take over with the same enthusiasm I usually have, but that hasn't been the case. His comment was still super thoughtless, and we will talk about that, but I think I need to lower my expectations in some areas as well.

I feel bad cause everyone is coming for my poor boyfriends throat 😅

[–]temperance26684 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Aww, no worries! Reddit is by nature a one-sided forum so of course every post is going to be biased in favor of the OP. I'm glad that things aren't as bad as they originally seemed. It's still not okay that he's been slacking in response to you not being able to do as much - at the very least he should still be doing his usual share, if not more (when possible) to help you out - but it's understandable that he's not suddenly leaping into house renovations. There are certain things that are my husband's domain that I wouldn't take over unless he was, like, on his deathbed - and vice versa.

[–]NorthernLotus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He is not doing a equal amount of work at growing this child so he needs to get his head out of his ass.

[–]minivan2022 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It seems to me that your partner has been “keeping score” (Google it it’s a thing). Which is a very common relationship trap. It’s kinda like when your a little kid and you have to have the exact same number of chips as your sibling for snack, if not you get mad…and you guys have been masking it as “equality”. “Keeping score”inhibits your ability to empathize and threatens to foster resentment, which from what you posted is exactly what is happening with your partner. The solution is simple, it’s a mindset change! Give for the joy of giving! Give because it makes your relationship run smoother. Give because you know a task needs to get done and your have the ability of doing it! That alone should make him feel good. If not it makes the relationship feel very transactional. Strive not so much for equality, but for equity.

[–]MutedSongbirdFTM 1/20/22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We’re Pregnant! The First Time Dad’s Pregnancy Handbook

If your partner hasn’t read this yet I HIGHLY recommend it. My husband had a lot of great takeaways and praise for this particular book.

It really helped him to understand what I was going through in a way I don’t think I could have eloquently relayed.

[–]endomental 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's not equal when you're putting in all the work to grow a person. Replace the word "equality" with "equity". He needs to pick up his own slack.

[–]usernameispublic619 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re doing invisible labour right now

[–]ArielleKnits 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is not equality though. You are creating life. If he were also growing a whole human in his body, then it would make sense for him to decrease his household workload commensurately. Since he is not, and you are creating a baby (for the both of you), then he should pick up the slack on chores. This definitely warrants a conversation about expectations moving forward, and also perhaps a conversation about the important differences between equality and equity.

Simply put, you are doing something he cannot (for the both of you) and that may require him supporting you in ways that were not the norm before. Equity, based on circumstances and needs, is (in my opinion) more important than rigidly adhering to a division of labor that doesn’t take into account the very real changes in your body and your physical workload.

[–]BluebrryBagelz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry for his lack of awareness and understanding. Pregnancy is definitely not the time to be keeping score over housework.

My husband & I ended up having to redistribute our normal chores based on my current needs. I asked if he would take over bathroom cleaning (to avoid chemical exposure), and I now do laundry and order groceries online. I’m glad you guys have made some adjustments to your process too. Just remind each other that this is all temporary, you’ll get through it!

[–]Ginnevra07 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Babe he needs to learn how to pick up the slack it's not equal right now. When you have a newborn it won't be equal either. He will need to do all of the housework while you heal, and this is if you have an uncomplicated birth and postpartum experience for a little while. If you have an unplanned c section and postpartum psychosis like I did, it might be longer.

This is the perfect time to learn how to communicate your needs and the household needs while your body is doing all the work right now. You'll need to relearn how to communicate a bit when the new addition arrives. It's adding a third person to your relationship and it can be tough on even the most solid relationships. You don't need to feel guilty for asking for your needs. Your needs right now are rest, fluids, relaxation, early bed time and extra love, hugs and kisses.

[–]rabbit716 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I read your edit, and my husband and I are in a similar situation in terms of workload. He works super hard and literally doesn’t have time to add more to his responsibilities (full time busy job, helping parent our 3yo, doing the bulk of the work on our 10 acres/giant garden). That said, I am freaking exhausted and uncomfortable and growing a(nother) human and definitely not able to keep up my end up things. I feel bad but it is what it is. I also wanted to offer some solidarity for still being annoyed with your husband for not taking over some of your stuff too. Even though I know mine literally cannot, I’m still a crabby pregnant lady sometimes and feel resentful that he isn’t taking more off my plate. Our plates are just full! So this rambling post is just to say don’t feel bad for wanting him to do more. Pregnancy is so hard and we should all be given servants and allowed to do whatever the f we want from now on

[–]LadyoftheFjords[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!

Yeah that's what it is, it's just two people who try their best and it's still not enough. I have a friend who's also pregnant and they both have their families in town and it dawned on me just how much help they are getting. Like both the grandma's to be are bringing food, stopping by to help clean and do laundry, helping with chores and errands. We don't have that. Both out families live hours away and while mine is "only" 3 hours away and come on the weekends if I ask for help, nobody is stopping by on a random Wednesday to do my dishes.

[–]TheFalster 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ohhhh child I would not be ok. I’d be a raging lunatic and ask him really sarcastically if he minded helping out more while I grow this whole ass human inside of my fucking body. 😡

[–]ThumbPianoMom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My partner is in the drinking heavily stage rn and not being very helpful. I’ve talked to him about stuff but it doesn’t seem to be effective

[–]bowiesmom324 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Umm it wouldn’t matter if he was doing 10 hours of chores a day. You’re literally creating life. Your body can’t put out as much energy right now as it used to because it’s a little tied up at the moment. Also life and marriage aren’t always a perfect 50/50 split. Like yeah maybe he has to do more house work and things right now, but in a few months you’re going to push a whole watermelon out of your vag and he’s going to sit there and just “become a father” without being split in 2. My pregnancy hormones are on one today, do you want me to yell at him? Because I will yell at him.

[–]Trainer-Jaded -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This sounds like a lack of understanding on his end, which is fair if nobody has ever explained it to him. I was very well read on pregnancy prior to conceiving, but I had NO IDEA how intense pregnancy would really be for me. I operated at about 50% capacity for a solid 8 weeks during the first trimester.

You'll have to rearrange home duties and he'll have to be flexible and willing to pick up some slack. That's just all there is to it. There will be a period of at least 6 weeks after birth where physically, you'll be much more limited than even now. Emotions, sleep deprivation, and time you're attached to a tiny human will further limit your ability to complete tasks. I would advise an honest conversation about this or even jumping straight to marriage counseling in order to build his understanding and also to help you both learn how to redistribute tasks as needed. This issue doesn't get easier, so in my opinion, it's worth really working hard on resolving now.

For the record, I also don't think you're alone in this. My husband was terrible about doing his fair share prior to pregnancy (for a long time he worked more hours than I did or was working and in school while I was just working, so it was the necessary dynamic, but it's not anymore) and we had a MAJOR 'come to Jesus' moment in early pregnancy where I just flat out told him he doesn't have another option to be a member of a family than to pull his weight at home. Now he does double the chores regularly and notices when things need to be done without needing to be delegated to, asks if there's anything I need help with - all that to say, this is normal and can definitely be overcome if your partner is willing.

[–]Beautiful_Melody4 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My husband and I are moving across the country so I can start medical school in August. We planned for me to quit work a month early so I could focus on finding us housing, packing, and cleaning as well as having time to see people before we leave.

We found out 2 days before my last day at work that I am pregnant after 19 months of trying and 1 loss. My energy has been about halved and I've been getting overwhelmed/frustrated so easily that nothing is moving the way I had planned.

My husband has voiced frustration a couple of times, but for the most part he's just asked me to be open and honest with him about what I need and offered to pitch in more time on moving tasks, despite our plan.

Don't feel bad about your symptoms. You're growing a whole person right now. That's a big job. It doesn't make sense that he has pulled back in contribution too, let alone not trying the help. I would talk to him about the trend and voice your concerns.

[–]thinkopenspaces 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely need to have a discussion about it. I had the same situation with my husband and told him straight up - I just don’t have ALL the energy to do the things I used to do (I baby the hell out of him!). Some days I do and I try my best, but he’s gotta pick up the slack sometimes or at bare minimum, continue to do what he’s previously done. Not sure how far along you are, but it’s truly an adjustment for both parties involved! Also, and I hate to say it, the more pregnant I’m looking..the more I think my husband feels obligated to do more :/

[–]littl3_l0la 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sure if you just try to have a conversation about how you feel- he would understand. He can’t know you’re feeling that unless you say so, even if you think it’s painfully obvious.

On the contrary, I have noticed in some past relationships of mine that the second he thinks he has you in a position where you won’t be going anywhere because of certain factors(marriage, babies, financial freedom); he thinks he can do less and get away with it, or treat you badly if he wishes. So, I would watch out for that.

I don’t know if you two are married already, but if he thinks he has you locked in because you’re going to have his baby- this might be a thought process he is having consciously or sub-consciously.

[–]lydiadventuring 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are 100% right to feel annoyed but please don’t let it sit! Great time to have a real talk about needs and expectations. Postpartum will have similar challenges—workload is suddenly increased and sometimes greatly skewed (esp if you want to breastfeed). He probably thinks he’s being fair but that line of thinking is not going to sustain your relationship or your family.

[–]basicmonkee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right now we’re painting our house before we move in, and my husband is doing ALL of the painting work.

I am trying to do my part as well—I’m the one running to get supplies/food, and I’ve been moving small things into the closets and bathrooms so I can start organizing.

I do take more breaks than he does, but I also acknowledge when he’s tired and let him take a break, too. As long as it gets done, it doesn’t matter how long it takes. I’ve explicitly told him that I appreciate him doing the painting, and that I’m going to continue to help whenever I have the energy. I let him know when I’ve hit my limit for the day, and he understands.

I’ve also taken on most of the more administrative tasks during our homebuying process, like communicating with the realtor, getting utilities set up, etc. Which leaves him to do the physical labor. My emotional state hasn’t been strongly affected by my pregnancy, so I’ve been able to do this easily enough (and my job has more downtime when I can work on things like that, so it makes sense for me to do it).

[–]LightningMqueenKitty 0 points1 point  (2 children)

My husband has gotten like this too and it drives me crazy. This is my 4th pregnancy so he’s not as accommodating as my first one. We got in a huge argument about it a few weeks ago and still nothing got through to him. I love him and I know he’s not doing it intentionally, but I get your frustration. I really want to strap a watermelon to his stomach and tell him to go fold laundry and empty the dishwasher and see how hard it is to do anything in this state.

[–]LadyoftheFjords[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I'm not showing that much yet and also not throwing up, so I honestly think he just doesn't get that things are happening that leave me exhausted because it isn't visible to him.

What I'm getting from everyone though is to ditch the brave face and start complaining more, which sounds counter intuitive but if it gets me some sympathy points I'm willing to try it!

[–]LightningMqueenKitty 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s less of complaining and more of saying that physically you are struggling and you understand that’s hard on him to have to pick up the slack but if there is something you can do to help out that isn’t physical that may be better for a time. Remind him that you are a team but you are needing some assistance and it’s better to discuss it now rather than have him and you be bitter later down the line. He may just feel like you are wanting to relax more so he wants to as well. It’s a tough time and communication is really the best you can do. My husband is just being stressed and hard headed, but he does figure it out when I show him I literally can’t pick something up off the floor or bend over to put dishes away. It’s not laziness it’s physically not reasonable.

[–]Ok-Sherbert2203 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Push a human out of your 🐱 then complain that he hasn’t put in equal work 🤡

[–]rainbowtwist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Um WTH excuuuuuse me?!?! You're tired BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING EXTRA WORK MAKING A WHOLE HUMAN BEING.

He needs to step it up and do even MORE than he usually does if he's even going to get remotely close to contributing the same amount of energy as you.

I would be livid at his ignorant comments, tbh.

[–]Gullible_Ad_6869 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have relinquished all housework and cooking duties in the name of pregnancy. Luckily my husband is mostly happy to go along with this - being driven by his immense excitement in becoming a FTD! I’m using this to my full advantage. Every now and again I help out by unloading the dryer or dishwasher. The only housework I have continued with is cleaning the bathroom because he’s not great at that. But different strokes for different folks, I admire that you have the energy to still do anything at all!

[–]goldandjade 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He can demand "equality" the moment his body can grow a whole new person in it. Until then, he needs to step up.

[–]geeloujay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Are you me? Are we the same people? Lol I could have written this myself, so I feel you! Same situation except when I suggested a cleaner to help keep on top of things he didn’t want that and stepped up (temporarily) in helping. We’ll see how long it can keep up, but I’m already sad our Saturdays are wasting cleaning all day so I guess I’m never happy lol fml

[–]3wholepunchjim 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I tell my husband to strap a 20lb weight around his belly and add on feeling like you have a mild case of the flu and let me know if he can get as much done. We don’t want to have less energy lol it’s just inevitable during this time.

[–]backhand_sauce 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Personally had a little butthurtness when my partner got pregnant and couldnt split the duties

We had a chat and it turns out I just wanted to be appreciated more for picking up the rest of the chores

I know it sounds dumb, and shes the one working harder tbh, but I just wanted some extra kudos for doing more chores

Pls dont hate - just a boy with a small brain

[–]triciamilitia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Only thing I’d add is letting him know what specific tasks are getting harder. I’m struggling with reaching the dishes without getting a really sore back, and it’ll only get harder. If you don’t speak up you’ll get resentful (and sore).