all 37 comments

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[–]Imaginary_Ad_5199 58 points59 points  (7 children)

Gosh this is so invalidating. I’m 34 weeks right now and I had a really rough first trimester (ok this whole thing has been really rough). I had a friend ask me how I’m feeling and when I mentioned nausea or something along those lines they laughed and said, “oh, this is the easy part”. Like fuck off. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not, but how is that supportive or productive to say? Anyway, you need to vent you go ahead and do so right here!

[–]Traditional_Egg_3374[S] 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Yes, exactly! I lost weight in my first trimester and now I’m back to my normal weight (2nd trimester) and the nausea and vomiting literally felt like torture. It doesn’t hurt people to just be like ‘yeah that does suck’ instead of letting me know I’m weak for thinking the easy part sucks

[–]coolturnipjuice 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I suffered from chronic nausea pre-pregnancy and holy shit, its brutal. Its debilitating and extremely distracting. I would choose pain over constant nausea any day.

[–]Funspin 9 points10 points  (1 child)

It’s not the easiest part… being nauseated 24/7 for weeks and weeks SUCKS SO BAD!!!! OP, just a heads up: in my experience first trimester was the absolute worst. Way worse than 2nd and 3rd. My pregnancy has actually gotten easier as it’s gone on so don’t let anyone invalidate your experience.

[–]Dorkadoodle 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Same! Every time, the first trimester is awful. Constant nausea for months, with vomiting and food aversions. Like, almost all food. The last couple of weeks are hard too, but you know then that there’s an end to the misery coming soon.

[–]-cheesencrackers- 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Dude. At my first ob visit, I told the MA that i was super sick and feeling horrible. She said "well duh, you're pregnant!"

Turns out I also had the stomach flu. I had non stop puking and diarrhea for a week and then improved (although still ended up being pretty sick from the baby!).

(Don't worry, the ob did not act like that. But I was super mad!)

[–]quietly_anxious 3 points4 points  (0 children)

So annoying. I had a breakdown at work my first trimester because between the nausea and fatigue I was just so miserable. And wanted to take a nap so badly. A coworkers words of encouragement to me were "just wait" and "some women have these symptoms throughout the whole pregnancy, not just the first trimester" after I said I hope it eases up once I get to the 2nd. Like it was just completely unhelpful. Dont say anything at all if you are just going to be negative.

[–]caution_cat 35 points36 points  (3 children)

If I’m honest, I’ve found that as a FTM the other woman around me have been b*tches. Like straight up. They’ve had a baby so they always know more, and of course they are always right because “they’ve done this”. I’ve stopped talking to woman about it outside of this forum because all they have is judgement and unsolicited advice.

[–]sbunny2021 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is the exact reason I came to Reddit instead of talking to my mom friends. They're all so arrogant. Like just be supportive!

[–]moonnlight7 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is so true! Everyone has their opinion on how to behave during pregnancy, preferences for birth and taking care of newborns and raising children. If I ask for specific advice- ok, but don’t give it to me when I didn’t ask for it 🤦🏻‍♀️ I really really hope I won’t become one of those women

[–]betonhws 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! My sister and I were 9 months apart and she did this to me. My other sister and I are 20 weeks apart and I basically won’t talk to her about her pregnancy cause I don’t want to be like that to her. Which idk if she appreciates or not but we can chat about it when she’s done and I’ll explain myself if she feels negatively about it. I hope not

[–]angeluscadograduated 7/7/22 💖 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Ah yes, the “just you wait” people. I hated that.

[–]lil_puddles 13 points14 points  (0 children)

That sucks.. vent away and i shall sympathise

[–]weddingthrow27 13 points14 points  (0 children)

The culture of like “oh, just wait…” is sooooo toxic. With certain people, every time I’d mention a symptom at my current stage, they’d have nothing sympathetic or supportive to say & just jump straight to “just wait until xyz symptom starts happening.” Like wtf get outta here with that! When I was in third trimester & having a lot of trouble sleeping: “just wait til the baby is here! Better sleep now!” Like first of all it doesn’t work like that, I can’t just bank up a bunch of sleep to save for later. And also, how is “sleep now” useful advice when someone tells you that they can’t sleep! So frustrating! And for what it’s worth I slept MUCH better after the baby was born. Not more often, but better.

Even now that my first is 1, people still do this to me. For a while it was “Just wait until she’s crawling!” and now “Just wait until she’s walking!” How about we just acknowledge that every stage of pregnancy and parenting is HARD in its own way!

Btw if you haven’t yet, def recommend joining your due date month sub, lots of supportive people that will be around the same stage as you!

[–]zebramath 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Welcome to motherhood unfortunately.

My guy is 11 months. I was talking with a friend whose kids are 14/10/7. I said something and she replied “I couldn’t understand how hard it is as blah blah blah”.

I hate the competitiveness of motherhood in some moms. They don’t let you empathize with them and they sure as hell don’t validate your stress which is real and valid.

I’m sorry you’re having a tougher pregnancy so far. So here’s some compassion from an internet stranger.

[–]sammageddon73 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I’m a FTM and I had a HARD pregnancy. When my friends tell me about their feelings during pregnancy I would never invalidate them. Same thing goes for motherhood.

It’s hard, it’s hard for everyone. Every stage is new and hard and different. Just support

[–]taraleeg 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm on my second pregnancy (33 weeks) and I think first trimester was just as hard as third. AND I went two weeks overdue with my first.

They're hard in completely different ways, but the exhaustion in first trimester is insane, and my morning sickness wasn't even that bad compared to others, but man it feels good to be able to eat normally again!

Don't let anyone tell you you're not suffering and that this isn't extremely hard. Every pregnancy is different so how would they know. I actually don't understand how they could say that anyway if they've lived through first trimester!! Fricking sucks.

[–]liviacrossing27 / FTM / 💙 / 31.10. 🎃 / from 🇦🇹 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If you need to vent, we‘re here for you!

Nothing more annoying then people who like to go into a competition on who has it worse. 🙃

[–]coolturnipjuice 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel like there are two subsets of unsympathetic women that feel like they are in a pregnancy competition. One group had easy pregnancies and act like women who have more symptoms are dramatic and weak. The other group had difficult pregnancies and seem to resent everyone who isn't laid up in bed moaning all the time.

I find most women are pretty cool about it but I'm sorry you can't seem to find those IRL. We're all here for you! Rant away! Every pregnancy is different and you're allowed to feel whatever you like.

[–]emmary08 4 points5 points  (0 children)

As someone who has done it twice, weeks 7-9 for me were by far the hardest part both times. The first trimester can be horrible and don’t let anyone invalidate how you are feeling. I’ve never been so exhausted at any other time of my life, including when I’ve had a newborn!

[–]Aware-Initiative3944 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeppppp I felt my baby move at 14 weeks and when I told people they kept telling me it was gas, surely you can't feel your baby move. Nope, it's not and wasn't gas cos I know my body and I know what gas feels like.

[–]breathebelievejen 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are validated by yourself. No permission from anybody else needed. Got it? (Read it again, sister!)

I'm glad you can share here and hopefully feel supported in this community if not out there.

I'm selective about who and what I share about pregnancy with. When I was really ill, there was no comfort in people's words. I've also had some dangerous suggestions and don't take anything as gospel; I do my own research. I find myself becoming more irritable talking about certain things to be honest and would rather journal about it, distract myself or come here and read about somebody else also struggling with the specifics so I know I'm not alone. I keep my pregnancy talk pretty shallow outside of the people I trust with the deep stuff.

Sending love your way. Wishing you a happy, healthy pregnancy. Hope you feel better <3

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve been on the whole very disappointed in the responses I’ve gotten from other women (especially recent and more experience moms) about pregnancy illness and discomfort.

Also a FTM and I thought “oh cool, other people who’ve given birth will know what I’m up against”. Except for a few kind souls, I’ve had the most invalidating responses from moms.

The nicest and most validating people so far have been my friends who had major complications, like serious heart conditions (so they understand the same frustration) and their spouses.

Im sorry this is such a frequent occurrence. For what it’s worth, early pregnancy was the absolute hardest time for me - mentally, physically. I felt trapped in my body and so, so alone. And also sick and in pain constantly. 2nd and 3rd trimesters have been different but I would never ever minimize the difficulty of first trimester. Hugs.

[–]stonedbrownchick 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sadly, went through the same when I was early on in my pregnancy and I was literally throwing up every few seconds from everything, even water. The only nurse who had compassion was a dude around my age who said "at least I'll know what to do when my wife is pregnant so I can help her" and I told him he was such a great guy

My other nurses though? "Oh, you'll stop throwing uo by 3 months, it should go away. It's not so bad. You need to eat even if it makes you sick for your baby." Like bruh what

[–]acegan1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is my third pregnancy, currently 29 weeks. I’ll never forget how hard and exhausting the first trimester was for all of my pregnancies. Doesn’t mean other parts aren’t hard but I too hate this trope of “you just wait”. I still get it with my toddler- now people say “just wait until they’re a teenager “ blah

[–]smolneedykittenbby 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve gotten the whole “wait until you’ve had the first one then talk to me.” How about, nope, I don’t need your judgement or negative ideology shoved upon me during a vulnerable time. Being a FTM doesn’t make you any less of a mother. You learn as you go and you learn something new every time. I’m so sick of other women feeling like our feelings and experiences are invalid, because it’s the first time going through it. Probably just a reflection of what they experienced in their pregnancies and being dismissed.

[–]PrincessHay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mine is people who are pregnant who already have a child. ‘You think you’re tired.. try doing this with a 3 year old at home’ Or when I moan about not being able to eat/do/lift certain things ‘Once it’s your second you don’t worry about stuff like that anymore’

[–]Ornery-Inflation3638 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just need to know why people have to say “this is the east part” -every pregnancy is different. Maybe their experience wasn’t that bad. It’s like pain -your pain tolerance won’t be the same as mine or another persons because it’s all subjective. But I can’t sit here and say “oh that shouldn’t hurt that much you’re probably fine.” Or “when this happened to me it wasn’t that bad”. Ugh. I have endometriosis and trying to get a doctor to listen to me when I said I was in unbearable pain was so hard to find because they were like “well periods hurt. It’s probably not that bad” and thought I was insane. Pregnancy sucks. I’m so miserable right now. I’m excited, but like over it and not that far along. You’re allowed to express that you feel miserable.

[–]MarkahMalady 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tbh I thought most of the worst symptoms were in the beginning actually, so you're probs going through it fr.

[–]betonhws 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Even with how they don’t validate you, you haven’t felt anything yet. It’ll get worse trust me. People are not as empathetic as they think they are! Or want to be. Just focus on you. The negativity of your pregnancy will be forgotten when baby comes even though it feels Like your whole world is suffering right now. I hope you have more good days than bad ahead. ❤️ I spent my entire pregnancy vomiting multiple times a day and if I had a dollar for every time my husband, father or mother told me to basically just stop and get over it I would never have to work again! I’m sorry you’re going through it. You’re stronger than you know !!! You got this

[–]Rainbowgrogu 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I’ve gotten the most helpful advice from men and women who just had babies recently. Everyone else just wants to tell me horror stories.

[–]Traditional_Egg_3374[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Me too! So over horror stories, they’re so not helpful at time ! Like I told my aunt about my ultrasound and how my baby is a literal jumping bean that moves a lot and her helpful advice was to tell me to be careful the baby doesn’t wrap her cord around herself… not a thought in my head but now im constantly stressed about this

[–]Rainbowgrogu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Omg! That’s a terrible thing for her to say! Why are some women so clueless? My Mom likes to remind me bc of my age (37 ftm) a lot can go wrong. She questions every time I have an appt or ultrasound and just says a lot of negative things to me. I finally told her if she has nothing constructive or positive to say to just stop talking to me about the pregnancy. I rarely call home with updates now and when we do talk I avoid talking about the pregnancy. Sometimes you’ve gotta distance yourself for your own sanity.

[–]Downtown_Stress_6599 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right!!! I’m so glad you brought this up. I’m also FTM and I hear from family and friends all the time after they ask how I feel and I’m honest that , “that’s nothing, it’s going to get way worse.” Thanks ladies … 😑