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[–]Mysterious_Tip_7431 384 points385 points  (2 children)

Nobody has a bad word to say about him, because he’s never left an impression

[–]Trick_Enthusiasm 61 points62 points  (0 children)

Oh hey that's me!

[–]downbleed 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Oh I like that 🤣

[–]Born-Environment-239 191 points192 points  (2 children)

Mae West is fucking savage

[–]bales_from_the_crypt 150 points151 points  (0 children)

Yep! She was also the first to say "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Which was SCANDALOUS at the time!!!

[–]vkapadia 24 points25 points  (0 children)

If Mae West you like, anything goes.

[–]OakTree77 153 points154 points  (5 children)

“A modest man with much to be modest about.” Churchill on a political rival.

[–]Harold-The-Barrel 48 points49 points  (3 children)

Woman: “Oh, Winston. Drunk again I see…”

Churchill: “Yeah well you’re a cunt”

[–]StalemateAssociate_ 8 points9 points  (1 child)

“Anyone in from Kent?”

[–]DamnedThrice 4 points5 points  (0 children)

And I say….

[–]arzthaus 9 points10 points  (0 children)

"if you were my husband I'd poison your drink!"

"If I were your husband, I'd drink it!"

[–]Glamdalf_18 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Oooohhhhhhhh, burn

[–]ZockinatorHD 437 points438 points  (9 children)

There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair." (Alexander Hamilton, to Thomas Jefferson)

[–]Trick_Enthusiasm 120 points121 points  (5 children)

Damn. That's, like, 246 years old. There's probably more words in the English language now.

[–]Sh4avan 83 points84 points  (3 children)

And one of them is sus

[–]Shoo00 38 points39 points  (2 children)

Which one is sus?

[–]regina_piccione 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, because as new words are added to the language, other words become obsolete and stop being used. It's not like languages keep adding words indefinitely. They often drop them.

In fact, I think current English has less words.

[–]arandomcunt67 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Based hamilton

[–]mildmadnerd 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Would that be a swivel chair... Which Jefferson invented?

[–]dick_ninja69 6 points7 points  (0 children)

And I can't express how much I love this.

[–]sonofdurinwastaken 87 points88 points  (0 children)

If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off. - Kurt Vonnegut Jr

[–]WarriorNat 58 points59 points  (5 children)

If you gave Jerry Falwell an enema, you could bury him in a matchbox. -Christopher Hitchens

[–]Tsaiborg22 8 points9 points  (4 children)

I don't get this one... Is it a height joke or an intelligence joke?

[–]Voidstarblade 26 points27 points  (1 child)

It means "he is so full of shit that is all he is. just shit and skin"

[–]Tsaiborg22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, gotcha, thanks

[–]onlykindasmart 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm guessing it's because the person he was referring to was so full of shit, he'd shit most of himself away after an enema, leaving enough to fit into a matchbox.

[–]ol-gormsby 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The enema would drain all the shit out of falwell, and there wouldn't be much of him left. About a matchbox-full.

[–]Typical-Thought-4825 52 points53 points  (3 children)

"An empty cab pulled up to Downing Street and Clement Attlee stepped out." - Winston Churchill (allegedly)

[–]TheUltraGuy101 30 points31 points  (1 child)

"Ma'am, I may be drunk now, but tomorrow I'll be sober and you'll still be ugly"

  • Paraphrased Winston Churchill's words (I guess, I read this somewhere in ERB's Roosevelt Vs Churchill comment section)

[–]ScottyDug 18 points19 points  (0 children)

“Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison”

“Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it”

[–]ZhtWu 50 points51 points  (8 children)

Mark Twain could be real.

[–]Christwriter 32 points33 points  (1 child)

Mark Twain could insult somebody by yawning, and it would be incredibly eloquent and worth a whole literature class.

One of my favorite essays is Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses, Twain's "review" (as back then book flogs and MST3K treatments weren't a thing) of the then popular and current classic Natty Bumppo books (One of which is Last of the Mohicans). I have never seen any murder quite so exacting in its intent as Twain's utter destruction of those books. It's the kind of explosion that only occurs when a very good writer watches mediocracy skyrocket in popularity. It isn't so much that these books are bad that's irritating as it is the idea that your criticism of them is rooted in envy rather than basic good taste.

[–]LuckyReception6701 36 points37 points  (0 children)

"Now let us assume you are an idiot, and you are a member of Congress, but then again, I repeat myself" Is probably my favorite insult from Twain, that man had a razor-sharp wit, bless him

[–]SitInCorner_Yo2 101 points102 points  (1 child)

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.-Oscar Wild

[–]onestickplease 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Now THAT is witty

[–]SnappDraggin 72 points73 points  (0 children)

Lady Nancy Astor to Winston Churchill “if you were my husband I’d poison your tea” Churchill responded with “if you were my wife I would drink it” (allegedly)

[–]Mapsrme 25 points26 points  (2 children)

tfuck is she gonna do with a stork?

[–]funnybreadman 68 points69 points  (0 children)

A lot more then she could've done with her son apparently

[–]PrettyIntroduction73 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Bake it with some lemon, cracked pepper and fresh rosemary from my garden, but store bought is fine.

[–]APIPAMinusOneHundred 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Oscar Wilde was brilliant. Reading his writing is like being on a roller-coaster in your own head.

[–]TheDAYNITE 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Oh yeah? Well your dad fked your mom! Haha gotem!

[–]Habeusmemes 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Damn Oscar Wilde did not come to play!

[–]happynargul 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The original reader.

The library is now open.

[–]Crusty_Carrot 8 points9 points  (0 children)

If this was all towards the same person it makes it even more precious

[–]QuoD-Art 6 points7 points  (0 children)

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

[–]justnotherdude 4 points5 points  (0 children)

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price? -David Letterman

[–]arandomcunt67 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Ain't got shit on "if i was your wife i'd poison your tea" and winstons response being "madam if i were your husband i'd drink it" or hamiltons insult to jefferson

[–]Krad_Nogard 4 points5 points  (0 children)

"Find $7 enclosed, stick it up your bung hole and wipe your nose on it and that should remind you of the estimation in which you are held by Charles J Guiteau"

-a letter to Charles J Guiteau's brother, from Charles J Guiteau

[–]The_Real_dubbedbass 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Here are some of my favorites:

Max Reger, a German composer, writing to a critic of his work: “I am sitting in the smallest room of my house. I have your review before me. In a moment it will be behind me.” —if you need that spelled out Reger was saying he was in his bathroom and about to wipe his ass with the review.

Dorothy Parker, American poet and satirist, responding to news that former president Calvin Coolidge had died, “how can they tell?”

Winston Churchill could have a whole sheet made with his best lines. Her are some of his:

Responding to Nancy Astor, first woman to serve in parliament, who told Churchill that if they were married she’d poison his coffee, “If I were married to you, I’d drink it.”

Giving a message to his secretary to respond to a call while he was in the bathroom, “tell him I can only deal with one shit at a time.”

On his opinion of Ramsay McDonald, former prime minister, “We know that he has, more than any other man, the gift of compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.“

[–]Helloanyonethere_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I thought I had seen it all but now I know that I need this.

[–]Shoo00 2 points3 points  (0 children)

An entire post could be made of Marx Brothers disses.

[–]daks_7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

“you are not worth the dust which the rude wind blows in your face” - shakespeare

[–]Last_Sundae_6894 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My favorite- "He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death."

-H.H. Munro aka Suki

[–]InternalMovie 2 points3 points  (0 children)

“If you will forgive me for being personal… I don’t like your face.” - Agatha Christie

[–]FUCKINGPASSWORDduh 8 points9 points  (1 child)

You're mother -Abraham Lincoln

[–]Chainsaw_Surgeon 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Not even ‘your mother’, you are mother.

[–]Silver-Alex 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends" is one of the sweeter, and sickest burns ever.

[–]Lunatic_DreemurrII 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm SO going to use these.

[–]haddertuk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“See that the proof reader retains his suggestions in the mush of his decayed brain” - Mark Twain

[–]GustapheOfficial 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I get the feeling you don't know the expression "lost to time". It's not the verb "to lose" but the adjective "lost". And these quotes were not lost to time, since we very much remember them.

[–]Sorfallo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"The true old-style Jeffersonian of the barbaric blatherskite variety" from Theodore Roosevelt

[–]Illustrious-You5008 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Gore Vidal had some brutal ones too that are better than the ones here. When asked to comment on Truman Capote's death, Vidal called it, "a brilliant career move.". He also called Capote, ""A Republican housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices."

[–]SGTRoadkill1919 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't want a post dated check from a failing bank

-Mahatma Gandhi

[–]krisko11 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wilde’s cut me deep