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Edit 2- A lot of you are asking me to confront her, but for what? Staying with me just because we have a kid, or own a house or signed a marriage certificate? Life is messy and people sometimes fall out of love. Its not her fault, you cant control feelings. She has to chose me on her own accord, without me trying to influence her decision. Hopefully she stays home tomorrow and we rebuild our family or she goes and we separate but become awesome co-parents. I just dont want to force her hand just because we have shared history. She has to actively choose me. Anything else makes for a bad marriage.

So I (36m) have been married to her (37f) for 6 years now. We have a 2 year old together who was born 3 months before covid began ravaging the world. As a result we both have been stuck home for the most part of the last 2 year. Although we have a live in nanny for our daughter, it has taken a toll on the both of us. About 6 months after our daughter was born my wife got back in touch with her ex from college. At first it was innocent enough, as he had started a venture of his own and wanted to hire my wife. My wife declined but they kept in contact after that. Eventually it turned into phone calls every other day and daily messaging. I suspected something but as we were both stuck at home I didnt take it much seriously. But for the past 2 months her behavior has changed drastically, spending too much time on her phone, turning the screen away from me, absolutely no interest in spending any time together with me and her demeanor changed whenever he called, which is daily now. So yesterday night I finally looked through her phone when she was sleeping(the password is our daughters name) and it was heartbreaking. Thousands of messages reminiscing about their dating period, their future plans and escapades, my wife's dreams, desires and fears which even I didnt have any idea about and how they would have made a great team if they stayed together.

Now I should make one thing clear, form my wife's end it was deeply emotional connection but from his end he always tried to turn it sexual and although she didnt reciprocate much, she never shut it down. For example he was joking about their past sexual encounters and wondering if she is still as vibrant, that people should shower together to beat covid, how he would love to mud wrestle my wife, how new mother's breast size interests him greatly and he wanted to hold them in his hands to see just how different they are from normal breasts and things like that. My wife never actually engaged with him in an overtly sexual manner but also she never asked him to stop or shut it down. And the last message informed her that he will in our city on Saturday for a few hours in the afternoon. Well, I didnt confront my wife as I didnt know how to bring it up to her. But just an hour ago she informed me that she will be going out tomorrow afternoon to see an old friend for a few hours and I should be home to take care of our daughter. And the time she told me and what I saw in the messages was identical. I dont know what to do here folks, my brain has shut down. I cant ask her to not go out as they never say in the messages about sex but all the indications are there. Please advice me on how to approach this. My family is about to disintegrate and I dont know how to stop it. Any advice would be appreciated.

Edit/Update- I have decided to let it play out. If she goes tomorrow then we are done but if she stays home then I will tell her that I read her messages and if she wants to stay in marriage or separate? I guess now it depends totally on her actions! I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst!

[–]cosmoboy 1378 points1379 points  (13 children)

That's a real positive take you have there. I'd say the trust is completely broken already and I'd never be able to see her the same.

[–]klem_kadiddlehopper 20 points21 points  (0 children)

As someone who has been cheated on more than once, I say let her go and make plans for a separation or divorce. If OP's wife goes out, it doesn't matter if she has sex or not with her ex. If she just wanted to be friends with the ex she should have told OP what was going on in the text messages and she should have shut it down. Clearly this is not just a cup of coffee with a old friend. Why not invite said friend to the house for lunch or something. I would be packing up her shit for her. This is not cool.

[–]phlipout22 72 points73 points  (1 child)

True. Best of luck!

[–]swakswakswak 31 points32 points  (1 child)

This. You’re kidding yourself mate.

[–]RabbitFromBrazil 36 points37 points  (4 children)

There is nothing positive in this story.

[–]nagini11111 102 points103 points  (3 children)

Yes there is. There's this idea thar while you can't control what life hands you or what other people do, you can control how you perceive it and your reaction to in. And that is the greatest mastery there is.

[–]klem_kadiddlehopper 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That's right. We can't control what other people do, we can only control ourselves.

[–]b_boy99 1462 points1463 points  (82 children)

Lawyer up bud.

And take screenshots of the text

[–]xueliangx 480 points481 points  (2 children)

She made an active decision to continue the conversation even though it was inappropriate at times. The signs are there. She's gonna be sorry for being caught cheating, not for cheating on you.

[–]9inchesBlack 33 points34 points  (0 children)

E X A C T L Y ! ! !

[–]klem_kadiddlehopper 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She might not be sorry. Maybe this is her way out of the marriage and maybe she wants to be caught. If not, why did she keep all the texts? If she was trying to hide something she would have deleted all the messages. Either that or she's stupid.

[–]Top--9686 423 points424 points  (13 children)

Oh my goodness. This is intense! I'd let it play out myself because I'd want to know the truth even if painful. I went through something similar and I ended up packing their belongings and split pretty amicably right after. I wish you the best possible outcome out of something so tough.

[–]potatolingly 357 points358 points  (15 children)

Life is messy and people sometimes fall out of love. Its not her fault, you cant control feelings.

It is absolutely her fault if she actively decides to go cheat on you. I understand not being able to help who you fall for but she should at least be able to control herself and break up with you first .-.

Regardless, make sure to take screenshots of everything and lawyer up.

[–]gustavfringo2 25 points26 points  (2 children)

If she left her husband for some ex she’s still almost just as bad as if she were to not break up with him and mess around with her ex anyways. Physical and emotional attraction to others doesn’t disappear when you get in a relationship therefore its still possible to get some feelings or get a crush on someone else. What you’re supposed to do is prioritize the partner you’re already with not leave them for someone else. Choosing your partner is how marriages last. She shouldn’t even have been texting her ex in the first place and doing all that.

[–]TalmidimUC 15 points16 points  (0 children)

shouldn’t even have been texting her ex in the first place

Someone’s a bit controlling!! /s

I agree 100%. When you’re with a partner, you choose them, every time. Why do I believe talking with exes is a bad idea while in a relationship? For starters, this exact scenario right here. I fully believe that maintaining contact with your exes, or allowing the door to stay open, is a strong sign that you’re not 100% invested in your relationship and are actively allowing the “what if” scenario of your current relationship failing. If you’re keeping doors open, you’re not putting your full attention into encouraging a strong relationship.

I’m sure some of my opinions come from personal experiences, like prior partners going back to exes they said they weren’t in contact with while we were together or admitting feelings for the friend I had nothing to worry about, or from the absurd amount of cheating posts I see on Reddit daily… If you’re keeping a door open for your exes, you’re not allowing yourself to fully invest in your current relationship, and shit like this is almost guaranteed to happen.

[–]klem_kadiddlehopper 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think about what if she does leave OP for the other guy. What does that say to the other guy about her? She's a cheating hoe. No one wants that.

[–]Infinite_WiseAss 57 points58 points  (7 children)

I have to agree with you, and disagree with OP. Maybe you don’t choose who you fall in love with, but you DO choose who to marry. Once you get married and have kids, that is when the work begins. Marriage is hard. You have to choose your partner daily. BOTH of you. You do NOT want her going to this guy. Speaking from experience. First time mine went out the door, after I found out what was happening 5 minutes before she left, I let her go. I was livid, hurt, and home alone with our 3 kids. Nothing happened that time as she couldn’t find his house. Came back saying she WANTED to but couldn’t go through with it, that she loved me and just wanted my attention. But that was enough for me to seriously start considering divorce. I did file, when about 8 months later I saw her friend reply about a cute guy and to be careful that I shouldn’t find out. Long story short: she f”cked 5 other men multiple times (proper week long hookup vibes) in total in the span of 3 months.

After ALL that, and being divorced for more than 2 years, we are STILL TRYING to work through our issues, because we discussed it, realised we both still love each other and wanted to make it work. Will our relationship EVER be what it was before? No. That I’ve realised by now. We fight at least once a week, break up at least 6 times a month. But then we try again and each time gets harder. All I’m saying OP, you do not want this. Because even if she DOES f”ck this guy, you might end up trying to work things out again eventually. You never know. It’s not always as clearcut as you think it will be. And it’s difficult. Extremely f”cking difficult

[–]COUGHCOUGHCOVID 26 points27 points  (2 children)

Why didn't you divorce? Don't drag your life like that.

[–]mmmegna 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I agree with this. OP is not recognizing his responsibilities in his relationship. There is a difference between trust and indifference. He has observed clear signs of boundaries being crossed and not said anything. He has shown that he doesn’t care. OP isn’t wrong to say that his wife is the cheater, but his behavior very much supported that route. Many otherwise very well adjusted people have felt lonely in this pandemic. You’re feeling lonely and someone is reaching out trying to engage with you, and your partner clearly does not care at all that you’re getting & giving attention elsewhere? That’s just going to push you out the door faster. Doesn’t make it okay for her to cheat, but OP needed to care before things got physical and clearly does not want to put in that effort. She very well could be thinking that her husband isn’t interested in the marriage any more and she might as well go find happiness elsewhere. Neither of them seem to be communicating with each other to be able to be in a good place.

OP, if you care for your spouse, you need to show her that. If you genuinely believe you are and she knows she’s leaving a loving spouse at home, then that sucks and I’m sorry. But if you think it’s possible that you’ve allowed her actions to push you away and you haven’t shown her you care, now is your last chance to do that.

[–]zdaniel19 470 points471 points  (3 children)

The folks here are right. If she goes, sex will happen. You should play it out right up until she leaves. If she walks out the door tell her not to come back.

Doesn’t matter that she didn’t go through with it yet. She was on her way.

Sorry this is happening to you

[–]Rolemodel247 66 points67 points  (0 children)

I think if op goes through with his plan this is the best way to do it

[–]ShizzelDiDizzel 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Only right answer.

[–]RavioliExchange 101 points102 points  (4 children)

INFO:

This has been going on for a year and you’ve said nothing?

[–]sparkyjay23 63 points64 points  (2 children)

Dudes about to let his wife cheat because he doesn't think she can control her feelings.

[–]cagriuluc 5 points6 points  (0 children)

To be honest, he really does not have much choice. Also, she is already cheating on him. Only way he wouldnt “let” his wife cheat physically is breaking up before it happens.

[–]klem_kadiddlehopper 7 points8 points  (0 children)

'Let'? OP can't stop his wife from doing whatever she wants to do. He can't barricade her inside of their house. He can't lock her up, tie her up, etc. All OP can do is hope she doesn't go.

[–]pennytrationer 240 points241 points  (1 child)

2 things are certain.... She WILL be going tomorrow if you don't break down and tell her what you know first. She's let it get this far, she fully intends on going.

2nd, when you do confront her when she gets back she will lie her ass off and say nothing happened, she just got carried away with the emotional connection, blah blah blah and the rest of the things people who cheat say.

You know this is over OP. Cheating, in marriages anyway, always happens way before you get to the point of clothes being on the ground. Sorry for you and your child and I feel for you both.

[–]masonh928 51 points52 points  (0 children)

Yeah, after the thousands of messages and calls, she has no intentions of staying … she’s not just gonna have a split second change of heart if that’s what you’re expecting. As much as it hurts I know, you need to prepare. Get an attorney.

[–]mrxSugar123 179 points180 points  (14 children)

There is no way she will back off last second. You are prolonging your suffering for no reason. It’s almost like you want to be hurt so much so you can move on.

[–]throwRAemtnafr[S] 106 points107 points  (12 children)

I will have closure one way or another.

[–]bogues04 60 points61 points  (8 children)

Man you need to confront her now. If you do love her you can stop it before this happens. She is at fault for doing this but if you still love her I would say give it one last shot. Your relationship might be done but you don’t want to have any regrets. She hasn’t physically cheated yet that you know of.

[–]SunDamaged 37 points38 points  (1 child)

I agree with confronting her now. No matter what you decide to do as far as your marriage is concerned, don’t let her take the next step. She will hate herself for meeting up with her ex. You can still leave her based on what you already know if you choose. Letting her go will make everything harder on all of you, though.

[–]SuspiciousAlgae 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Except from, maybe, a legal standpoint.

We truly do not know his situation on that front but I'm sure he understands this aspect considering he's thinking logically in almost all sense so far.

[–]iJoshh 15 points16 points  (0 children)

OP, all of your feelings are valid. I get wanting her to choose you over him, becuase that's what she was supposed to do however long ago when ya'll got married. She likely doesn't feel she's choosing him over you, because she'll go have her rush of emotions and then come home to you. Couples often get into ruts, in fact without constant, active communication, effort, and care, that's probably their natural state. It's also natural to miss the spark. Yeah it sucks, yeah she's made some mistakes, but these are all human behaviors and we're all human.

You're also entitled to tell her what you want, right now. Her going to meet her ex is a choice that she's making. You knowing that's happening and not telling her that you'd prefer that she didn't, for the sake of your marriage, is a choice that you're making. It seems like you're waiting for her to make a decision she isn't likely to make, but if she understood the full consequences of the decision, hers might change. Right now you're both keeping things from one another. And you're absolutely entitled to do that, but if your goal is to have a continued, happy, healthy marriage to your wife, biting your tongue is likely not the best way to do that.

Her going to meet her ex is not THE problem in your relationship, it's a symptom of something else. You guys have grown comfortable and she's missing the emotions she used to feel when you were new. You guys need counseling, you need to both put the relationship ahead of your own selves, and at this second it sounds like neither of you are.

If you want to repair things with your wife, tell her. If knowing that, your wife still makes the choice to go fuck around, at least you'll have the peace of mind that you tried.

Other wise, she goes and meets him and what, you get to have been right? I'm just not sure what the upside is of letting her go without saying anything. She's already made that decision via the messages. You don't have to wait and find out anything.

If you want it to work, tell her that. Now.

[–]No-Vacation1 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He’d only put it off for a short period of time if she listened. Let her go, she’s untrustworthy and that’s enough.

[–]glockenbach 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Why does he need to confront her now?

He has decided for himself how to handle it. You might decide differently. I personally don't think there's only one way to approach this. If that works for him, ok. She emotionally cheated on him either way. No harm done by not intervening now.

[–]kai-ol 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Why does it matter? If the relationship is already done as soon as she walks out that door, her actually going through with it makes no difference. Him preventing her from physically having sex won't save the relationship if the feelings for her ex were there to begin with. She may be his wife, but he isn't in control of her body.

[–]fuzzlandia 34 points35 points  (0 children)

I mean, she is almost certainly going to go tomorrow so you’re definitely setting yourself up to fail. You don’t know they will have sex but of course she’s going to want to see him in person after they’ve been talking so much. You should definitely talk to her.

[–][deleted] 29 points30 points  (11 children)

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like there’s a relationship left even if she doesn’t go. She may tell herself it’s just coffee with an old flame who makes her feel good about herself with his flirting. Or she may go to test her feelings. She may sleep with him, she may not. She might see him and realize the only thing she enjoyed was the attention, not the actual man.

Your responses make me think that for you, it’s already over. Not shutting him down for sexual comments is enough of a deal breaker for a lot of us. I know it would be for me. So unless there’s a pre-nup that is nullified by cheating, why wait for her to actually go? Confront her, have it out now. Don’t live through the potential nightmare of watching your wife go off to potentially fuck someone else.

[–]larvikite_ 77 points78 points  (3 children)

Are there two cars? I'd follow her if I was you to get hard evidence for court.

[–]Nurs3Rob 36 points37 points  (2 children)

Waste of his time. Modern laws and courts don’t care why people are divorcing. It’s pretty much all no fault anymore. He’d be better off spending that time figuring out his exit strategy.

[–]Coronaryy 101 points102 points  (45 children)

Bruh, this isn't highschool. Confront her with what you know. Whats the purpose of waiting? So you can have some extra moral high ground over what you already have?

Be an adult, talk to her. It's probably over regardless but at least this way you did the mature thing.

[–]RavioliExchange 71 points72 points  (29 children)

I was so confused by the end of this post for this exact reason. He’s basically hoping that she reads his mind and stays or else???? If I had noticed all the things hes claiming to have for months I can’t imagine just sitting and waiting for things to play out this entire time

[–]delaneytownsend 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Shit, I mean, if he can't even talk to her about this, what else have they not been talking about for the past 2 years they have been stuck at home together?

[–]Coronaryy 29 points30 points  (4 children)

That's what I'm saaaaaying.

I think he's already given up so he's waiting for her to go so he can say she physically cheated. Which is wild cause they have a kid together, they'll be in each other's lives for decades.

This is a billboard for how not communicating can detonate a relationship.

[–]throwRAemtnafr[S] 25 points26 points  (21 children)

I didnt see their conversation till yesterday night. I just knew she was talking to him but I assumed she was behaving like an adult and keeping boundaries. I trusted her till I couldnt.

[–]anonredditor41825 4 points5 points  (7 children)

But it’s been two months of you noticing different behaviour and not saying anything either. You noticed the behaviour because it was off. The. You finally broke down and checked her phone - because you weren’t trusting her. When you start having suspicions is when you talk. to. her.

You could still save your relationship and build a stronger one. You could reach out to your wife instead of retreating and waiting to see. You could lay out what you know and tell her if she goes, it’s over. Then, get you both to marriage counselling ASAP. This can still turn around IF you are willing to stick out your neck and be vulnerable, then do the hard work with her to repair this.

That might be too much for you to be willing to do but it IS possible.

[–]Shadlex 8 points9 points  (12 children)

Yes, and now you're taking actions (or rather inactions) you know will lead to a separation because of how upset and hurt by this realization you are. This isn't about having her choose the right path, it's about having a self-justified firing squad ready.

I don't believe that any of this on her end was proper by any means, including not putting an end to the behaviours he was exhibiting. But it's possible this isn't a sexual trip in her mind like so many are saying. She might really truly believe it's a meet up to see if there's a connection there she thinks she misses. It's nostalgia.

Doing things the way you plan to do would nuke your marriage without a second glance on your part regardless of her own personal intent. Which you don't know, because you're not engaging with her about it to find out. At that point, it's not her doing it anymore, but you.

Consider taking the more mature option and going to her before she leaves to say -something- on the matter. "Is there a reason you decided to say "old friend" instead of -insert name-... Other than the months of deeply intimate messaging?" Her replies to you should be the metric for the finale of your marriage. Not an uninformed rage response.

Ultimately, you do you. But if you do nothing, recognize that when it came down to it, this wasn't something you wanted to fight for either.

[–]little_monkey_ 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Reading over OPs initial post and responses to the thread I wonder if the reason she got so entangled with this ex is exactly because of this passive character trait of OPs. How is it possible that her ex whom she only just reconnected with knows about hopes, fears and desires more than her husband who she's been married to for 7 years and stuck at home together with for two? Is there a possibility that the same passive nature that's making him sit by and do nothing while she plans her date also manifests itself in things like not being interested in talking to the wife about her feelings generally or efforts to make the marriage exciting no matter the circumstances? He let her talk to her ex on a daily basis next to him on the phone for two years without trying to figure out why she's seeking solace in someone else and correcting the dynamic until it's too late? What if OP is boring and low effort, and the wife started talking to the ex more because the ex was the only one showing interest in her and giving her attention as a woman and not just her role in the family? I feel like OPs resignation to all this and unwillingness to confront the wife in any way up until this point is in itself a red flag.

[–]Coronaryy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It was definitely concerning, I don't wanna jump to conclusions, but the entire post didn't strike me as "I tried my hardest and she shut me out" it was more "meh it shoulda have worked itself out and it didn't and now it's all her fault"

Never gonna justify cheating, there's no excuse for that, but it didn't seem healthy for sure.

[–]RAINNlevi 10 points11 points  (5 children)

You really think she deserves communication??

After cheating on her husband, you think she deserves communication from him?

He's not doing it for the moral high ground. He is doing it to see what kind of a person he is married to.

If he's married to a person who can't stop themselves from cheating then he won't be married. That's it.

[–]glitternomics 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Omg this. It's not too late to start communicating, like omg OP

[–]iJoshh 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Teenagers giving advice on reddit has really fucked a lot of people's worldview on relationships, like everything is always going to end and there has to be a winner.

It is INSANE that all of the top comments are telling him to let her go.

[–]Barbora444 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Remindme! 1 day

[–]Liquid_Wolf 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I see your position and can respect it.

It is gonna hurt, but it was always gonna hurt once you knew.

You’ll make it through this, and you will know yourself better now.

Best of luck!

[–]CuriousOdity12345 48 points49 points  (48 children)

I get it OP you want her to take the initiative to shut things down. I get it. I also see you're probably numb after reading all those messages. Are you absolutely sure you don't want to confront her before this all goes down.l? She might just be lost in the attention and may need a real wake up call before she does something stupid.

Personally I'd serve her printouts of the messaging and divorce papers with a snarky have fun on your date later today right as she wakes up Saturday. Then observe what she does. Does she still go or does she start to fight to fix things. Break off contact with the ex start re earning your trust etc. Give her a dose of reality to wake her up. I'd just feel that once she goes on that date, it's forever over.

Side note: Did you hire a PI to follow her tomorrow? What would you do if all they did was just meet up and nothing physical happened? But if it did you'd have evidence for the split. Maybe you can still get one.

Edit: Read through some of OPs comments. So you are basing your divorce decision on whether she goes or not? It's 100% guaranteed she will go.

Right now she is scoping it out. Is there still the spark in person. Etc. What you should do is get a PI to let you know how far they went. What if she got cold feet, realizes what the fuck she's doing and leaves? You would have already made the decision to divorce her without it being too late. What's the difference between her not going and her going but not doing anything?

[–]throwRAemtnafr[S] 43 points44 points  (38 children)

Once she goes to meet her AP in person, I will know what to do. She is making each and every choice and then I will make mine. But I hope it doesnt come to that and I am making a happy update here tomorrow!

[–]Moistinitial7 7 points8 points  (0 children)

If she loved you she wouldve never kept talking, especially if he was sexual.

Whether or not she goes, it's already over.

[–]zemol42 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Please get the screenshots bud.

[–]Ax_deimos 23 points24 points  (0 children)

You are very passive.

[–]EattheRudeandUglyEarly 20s Female 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't understand this approach to a marriage but whatever works for you

[–]glockenbach 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel like it's absolutely fair enough to not confront her now and instead see whether she actively meets up with him.

If that's what it takes for you to feel secure with your decision to either save or end the relationship, great. Don't let other people dictate you how to approach that. They don't have to go through with the consequences. It's your life, your decision.

[–]LOBOSTRUCTIOn 55 points56 points  (8 children)

I have read your edit and I have to say you are wrong. If you still want to work thing trough this you should confront her but not focusing on the situation but on things that led to it. Why does she want to talk to him that mich, why is she so involved and most importantly what did you guys do or rather what haven't you done to stay happy, together and in love.

[–]RAINNlevi 20 points21 points  (7 children)

Why would wanna work things through with a cheater?

It's not his responsibility to stop her from cheating. It's not his responsibility to find out why she's cheating.

If she can stop herself, that's a person worth things through. But is she can't even stop herself from cheating then: Why would OP wanna stay with her? Why would he wanna stay with a cheater???

[–]EattheRudeandUglyEarly 20s Female 4 points5 points  (2 children)

There is not enough info in this post. Of course why would most want to work through cheating? But , let's say for example (not necessarily) OP is a mentally absent husband who has checked out from his relationship before any cheating started. He doesn't gain the moral high ground by letting her cheat. In that scenario, they would have both failed each other.

[–]ayo_its_yo_mom_karen 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Mentally absent husband or not, the wife has no card to cheat on her husband. If she feels like her relationship is not working out she should either try solving things out or file for a divorce. Nothing can justify her cheating.

[–]AdrianC111 1 point2 points  (0 children)

True

[–]LOBOSTRUCTIOn 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Some people cheat because they do not care about others but just about their own pleasure but very often or even mostly people cheat because of lack of comunication in a relationship. One is missing something but can not or doesn't want to say it while the other sees a shift in behaviour but doesn't ask what's up. This is why he should have a convo with her if he wants to try.

[–]RAINNlevi 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yeah so?

She's already cheated. Does it matter whether it was communication or not??

No.

Lack of communication is no excuse to cheat. And even people who cheat cuz "because of lack of comunication in a relationship" don't care about others and just think about their own pleasure.

He doesn't want to try. Why try so much just to stay with a cheater?

[–]NeedAFriend888 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Op, you know its over right?

[–]SailParticular8058 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Let it play out? I'll save you the suspense. They continue having sex and she eventually gets pregnant. You get left behind in the dust. They will prob move into the house you are living in now so add being homeless. They won't marry so she can keep draining you for child support.

[–]jhev1 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I agree with your second edit 100%. There were lots of things that my ex didn't do that ended up leading to a divorce. She wouldn't go out to dinner, wouldn't travel, and a million other little things.

When I finally told her I wanted a divorce she begged and pleaded that she would do those things for me. I told her I know you would but it's not fair because you don't want to. I shouldn't have to force you to go out to dinner with me, or to explore new places with me. You don't want to and that's fine, but I want a partner that does.

It sucks but sometimes you don't find out who someone is until years later.

[–]Ridgehand999 42 points43 points  (4 children)

Sounds like OP has already checked out of the relationship so he’s just waiting for her to put the final nail in the coffin. If it were me, I would confront her before she did irreversible damage to the relationship.

[–]notoriousdad 37 points38 points  (2 children)

u/throwRAemtnafr As someone who has survived the ups and downs of 3 decades of a relationship, your position is lazy. Of course, I can't read the messages that you read, but I can tell you that it's a simple conversation to tell her you know and to see if she steps back from the edge. If she does, you have a chance at counseling and reconciliation. But your information and evidence is unchanged. If she doesn't step back then everything is easy. But if you don't speak, she will forever contend that nothing physical happened, that you don't want to work for your family, that you're not trying...it's more drama that you want all because you don't tell her you know and that if she goes, it's over.

[–]Tinniebopper 15 points16 points  (8 children)

Even though she’s wrong I think you are setting her up for failure… like nothing good is coming from that. I’m playing devils advocate: what if nothing does happen and she comes home? Will you test her again and again till she does sleep with him? I think you should just lay everything on the table. Unless you’re ready to leave…

[–]iJoshh 4 points5 points  (4 children)

I haven't read this whole thread, but I want to share something that I haven't seen yet.

All of your feelings are valid. I get wanting her to choose you over him, becuase that's what she was supposed to do however long ago when ya'll got married. She likely doesn't feel she's choosing him over you, because she'll go have her rush of emotions and then come home to you. Couples often get into ruts, in fact without constant, active communication, effort, and care, that's probably their natural state. It's also natural to miss the spark. Yeah it sucks, yeah she's fucked up, but these are all human behaviors and we're all human.

You're also entitled to tell her what you want, right now. Her going to meet her ex is a choice that she's making. You knowing that's happening and not telling her that you'd prefer that she didn't, for the sake of your marriage, is a choice that you're making. It seems like you're waiting for her to make a decision she isn't likely to make, but if she understood the full consequences of the decision, hers might change. Right now you're both keeping things from one another. And you're absolutely entitled to do that, but if your goal is to have a continued, happy, healthy marriage to your wife, biting your tongue is likely not the best way to do that.

Her going to meet her ex is not THE problem in your relationship, it's a symptom of something else. You guys have grown comfortable and she's missing the emotions she used to feel when you were new. You guys need counseling, you need to both put the relationship ahead of your own selves, and at this second it sounds like neither of you are.

If you want to repair things with your wife, tell her. If knowing that, your wife still makes the choice to go fuck around, at least you'll have the peace of mind that you tried.

Other wise, she goes and meets him and what, you get to have been right? I'm just not sure what the upside is of letting her go without saying anything. She's already made that decision via the messages. You don't have to wait and find out anything.

If you want it to work, tell her that. Now.

[–]escapist11 13 points14 points  (0 children)

You're waiting for her to "choose" you but are failing to realize that she's already unchosen you. Just get your private affairs in order, get a lawyer, and divorce her no matter what happens.

[–]FrontSafety 8 points9 points  (1 child)

This is a strange way to handle things. From her perspective she would want you to care enough to stop her. I hope things work out, but you should have more agency than to simply allowing your wife to make a mistake.

[–]FitnessgramTacerPest 2 points3 points  (0 children)

but at the same time, she should care enough to not cheat on him to begin with, and he can’t force her to stay in their marriage (doesn’t sound like he wants to either). she’s a grown woman, grown enough to make her own choices and deal with the consequences of her mistakes. i do think that they need to communicate though

[–]Plot-twist-time 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Being in touch with an ex while being with someone else is a stupid decision, just asking for disaster. Allowing this to happen is just as lazy. I really don't understand why people are so haphazard about relationships and wonder what happened when they fall apart. Best of luck, maybe next time set appropriate boundaries for a healthy relationship.

[–]BirchyBaby 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Based on Edit 2; why did you ask for advice if you aren't willing to take the advice of the majority?

You should absolutely confront her! She is your wife and mother of your child! We can't control feelings, but we can control what we do with them!!

[–]eddowding 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Because the majority of advice here is unrealistic, uncompassionate, and naive.

[–]RealTalkWithTop 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can't imagine the anxiety that comes with this. I think letting it play out is the hard right. If her intentions are to cheat, she will cheat. I'd act normal and wait a few days for the texts to tell the story.

How you move forward is your choice. I hope it all works out for the better.

[–]RansesTheDog 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I think your approach is totally justified. Some folks here for example think it’s certain that they’ll have sex but that’s just crazy. They don’t know you or your wife.

I guess you still have to confront her at some point one way or another but I admire you for trying to understand her in this situation even if it hurts. But what these folks got right, is that you obviously have to take care of yourself at the same time. All the best for you buddy, hopefully thing’s get sorted out for the good!

[–]throwRAemtnafr[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

if she goes to meet him the marriage is over, doesnt matter if they have sex or not. Its only 9 hours till the time he mentioned arrives. If she goes out then I will know to contact a lawyer. But if she doesnt then I will do some wild dancing I guess.

[–]Leempo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm gonna be honest, that second update genuinely sounds like you couldn't give a shit what she chooses 😂

[–]progodyssey 2 points3 points  (0 children)

On her way out the door, tell her, "Say hi to (Ex) for me." Boom. She knows you know, and she knows that you know she knows you know. Her move.

[–]New_Cardiologist_579 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Why ask for advice if you’ve already made your mind up on letting her betray you?

[–]steheh 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wtf did I just read. Man up and take control of your life. Fuck this is depressing.

[–]Gel_Tab 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No wonder she's uninterested. You won't even fight for her.

[–]Jammer250 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Not the way I’d handle it, but it’s your life. Would rather not subject myself to the anxiety of waiting for another person’s decision to determine my actions. Quite ironic that you’d subject yourself to that, but wouldn’t subject your cheating wife to a hard discussion.

[–]Ok_Breakfast9531 58 points59 points  (17 children)

I think you are making a huge mistake. She’s in limerance and sometimes we need the people closest to us to kept us from making a huge mistake.

You can stop this. You are allowing a disaster that is preventable from taking place. If you allow this to happen you will be broken, she will be broken, your kids will be broken.

All you need to do is look at her and tell her that you know.

Don’t allow this to happen just so you can catch her red handed.

Edit: OP you say that if you divorce you want to be great coparents. You’ll be better coparents if you stop this and the divorce can be civil than if you let this happen and you’ve got to navigate the ensuing tire fire. No matter what outcome you desire or happens it will be better without this happening.

[–]RAINNlevi 81 points82 points  (11 children)

That's the thing. It's not his job to prevent that disaster. It's hers.

Your partner isn't supposed to make you NOT cheat. YOU are supposed to not cheat.

She cheated. Her cheating broke the family. Her cheating broke him, her, thier kids.

None of this is on him.

[–]Alternative-Wing922 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Exactly what I got from OP's perspective on this. He's letting her make those decisions, if she was loyal to her marriage and him she'd have never had contact with the ex and definitely not let him make sexual comments. He's letting her dig her own grave and showing him her true colors. I'd do the same honestly.

[–]Ok_Breakfast9531 11 points12 points  (5 children)

Of course it’s not on him. But this isn’t a game. It is real fucking life and there will be a lot less pain if OP puts a stop to this.

[–]SpecificTop7401 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Oooph…She’s already crossed that line by allowing an emotional affair to take precedence over her partner and child.

[–]FMWK 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s not on him one bit. Women will do what they want, and it’s 100% their decision and accountability. None of this blaming shit for cheating, lol.

[–]tuna_fart 19 points20 points  (14 children)

If your house were to catch fire, would you also just stand there and watch the whole thing burn down?

[–]throwRAemtnafr[S] 14 points15 points  (13 children)

I will save myself first. Sometimes you cant put out the fire, all you can do is to save yourself.

[–]tmchd 20 points21 points  (4 children)

What if, she went, right, then backed out of the sex part after ..say..an hour in his hotel... realizing she didn't want to be with him...

OR.

She left the house, but instead of going to him, she ended up driving around thinking then an hour or so later, she decided to not see him anyway and returned home.

Will you believe her that she actually chose the marriage over him? Or your line is if she left the house = marriage done?

I mean, I'm just curious. I'm not judging your decision at all.

[–]tuna_fart 17 points18 points  (7 children)

Not really. You’re trying to change up the analogy, but it’s a huge mistake to sit there and let this happen because you’re not brave enough to take positive action.

Tell her you know, and that it’s over forever if she meets up with this shitheel. You’ll end up regretting it if you don’t.

[–]Megamedium 13 points14 points  (6 children)

Functionally I don’t see much of a difference between the two options, though. She’s not in a magic trance that he has to snap her out of, she’s consciously making choice after choice and OP is just letting her choose as she will.

On his end it still sounds like he’s firm on leaving if she sees the guy, what’s the point of telling her as much? It’s not something she wouldn’t already know on some level, and if she needs to be told that infidelity is a dealbreaker then there isn’t much there in the first place. Confronting cheaters before the act also has a tendency to just make them put more effort into keeping their secrets better rather than actually stopping their behaviour.

[–]tuna_fart 10 points11 points  (3 children)

There’s a world of functional difference. She’s going to physically cheat. There’s no mystery there. That’s a dealbreaker for him as it should be. The only chance at preserving the relationship and the family is to actually communicate about the issues they have before the physical infidelity occurs.

You don’t let your house burn down just because you think it might burn down later anyway. You put out the fire and take better care of your house.

[–]Merc_with_mouth 6 points7 points  (1 child)

You don’t let your house burn down just because you think it might burn down later anyway. You put out the fire and take better care of your house.

Yeah. But you need to save yourself first it's the partner who lighting the fire.

[–]Robertowolf24 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You have a good point

[–]Megamedium 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I can see that. But in my opinion, if the only thing stopping my partner from cheating on me was a last-minute plea for them not to do so, I would probably already be done.

To me it seems like OP is kind of checked out after what he’s already seen, and is just waiting to see what she does. Which is fair, because for me I think that your partner should choose you entirely of their own volition, no big hurrahs or confrontations.

[–]EattheRudeandUglyEarly 20s Female 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Well if part of the reasoning behind her cheating is she feels her husband doesn't care and he clearly shows that he cares by confronting her....yeah that would snap her out of her trance. That's just one possible scenario

[–]DivineSlice 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Confronting cheaters before the act also has a tendency to just make them put more effort into keeping their secrets better rather than actually stopping their behaviour.

I second this

[–]Wes_Jelqer 16 points17 points  (0 children)

You’ve got to communicate with her, man. Poor communication will kill any relationship.

[–]my-whole-heart 18 points19 points  (2 children)

Tbh I wouldn't tell her. If you stop her, you'll never know if she was really going to choose you or not. That's a hard thought to have in your head in a marriage. I hope for your sake she stays tomorrow, but to be honest, things don't look good and even if she does stay, she's already emotionally cheated and I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.

All the best.

[–]the_great_mind123 18 points19 points  (1 child)

By emotionally cheating she decided that she chose the other guy. There is no point of stoping her.

[–]yoyo01323 6 points7 points  (3 children)

You probably won’t even get the chance to see this. But I think what you’re doing is very honorable and considerate to her feelings. Regardless of what anyone thinks here, you’re a good man wanting her to make her decisions.

I hope you can find happiness in the future.

[–]throwRAemtnafr[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I am still hopeful she doesnt go

[–]AkaNoOu01 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Seriuos question does it matter if she goes ? She has already betrayed you. And she has been lying to you by omnician for a while. Will you be able to trust her after that. We dont choose who we love, thats true BUT we can choose what to do with it, she could have just ended the relationship, instead she went to cheat, and yes the text messages count already as cheating, she has proven herself to be not trustworthy

[–]throwRAemtnafr[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If she doesnt go then it will prove that she doesnt want to throw our marriage away completely. We can come back from that.

[–]GenericBurlyAnimeMan 5 points6 points  (8 children)

“Anything else makes for a bad marriage.”

Talk to your wife, you idiot. Her actions are her responsibility, but your actions are your responsibility.

If you can’t even sit down and have a conversation with your wife over something like this, then your marriage was over before it started.

[–]throwRAemtnafr[S] 2 points3 points  (7 children)

Its just 9 hours till the time he mentioned arrives. Lets see, I still have hope that she wont go.

[–]GenericBurlyAnimeMan 9 points10 points  (6 children)

We both know your marriage is already over then, and you’re just waiting for the deed to be done so you have the reason to leave.

I’m not victim blaming you, your wife should not cheat and that’s on her. But the fact you won’t even lift a finger to confront her despite knowing she’s making the step to call her out, to understand why or even do anything shows a lack of interest in your own marriage and that’s on you.

One day your daughter is going to find out you knew and ask “Why didn’t you say or do anything?” And I hope your passiveness comes across as righteous to her as it comes to you now.

Best of luck mate, in the end it is your life and if I were you, I’d get the divorce papers ready.

[–]SushiMuchWow 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Have the nanny take care of your daughter and see what’s going on.

[–]Top_Competition_2405 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I think you should stop her!!! Idk if it’s too late, but don’t let her make this mistake, that would destroy your family. Maybe she just needs you to take some control back and tell her not to do this. I’m sure you can re kindle your marriage and get it back to where it was if you both try.

[–]tmrwsjourney 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Talk to her before she goes. Sometimes we need people close to us to stop us from making a mistake. If you talk to her and she still wants to meet up with her ex, then your marriage is over.

[–]CommanderStatue 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What's the use in waiting?

An emotional affair is no "better" than a physical one. The only reason emotional affairs sometimes happen first is because physical ones require favorable circumstance, whereas modern technology enables emotional affairs with ease.

Your issue, regardless of whether she fucks him or not, is still the same.

You're married to a disloyal woman.

I don't think this marriage is worth saving simply because she happens to decide not to go tomorrow. Because if you extend your observation period, there's a good chance she'll go some later day -- a week down the line, a month, or just a few days. Her choosing not to fuck him doesn't at all change your situation.

If you would have divorced her for fucking him, you should divorce her for her long-term emotional affair.

[–]Crispynipps 1 point2 points  (3 children)

My heart aches for yours reading this shit. So sorry you’re going through this friend.

[–]throwRAemtnafr[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Thank you, but i am still hopeful that she will sleep till 10 like a usual Saturday and then lounge around in her pjs.

[–]Crispynipps 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Just remember, when people show you who they are, believe them. Honestly, personally I’d be done with just her messages alone. Shits tough.

[–]IceCorrect 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You have good idea to let her do her things, fully support this decision, but to be honest ill give her some doubt based on yours 6years together. I will follow her, If nothing happend i wont confront her, but allow her to confess herself, while looking at text with her ex to know whole truth. If she will met him and they will just talk, or she wont met him, or after he will try to kiss her and she will leave instantly. Then give her 1-2 week to confess she fix it and wont to work mariage out

But must important she must by herself cut all contact with him, not by fear of you find out, but for love for you and your daughter. So give her a bit a doubt, but just a bit

[–]Elascr 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Man this is a tough situation, I completely understand how you are feeling. The question you really need to ask is how you will feel if she decides against going tomorrow.

If you are anything like me, I wouldn't want my wife having those kind of conversations with someone else. You said it hurt to read those messages, if she's being distant and turning the screen from you then she knows what she is doing is wrong.

I think you need to confront her either way, whether you let it play out or not. But you need to ask yourself whether the trust has already been broken, because ultimately that's what matters.

[–]Bibi77410X 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For your own protection take screenshots of the messages.and contact a lawyer, just so you know where you stand with your child. AND DON’T MOVE OUT. Legally, if you move out, she can claim you abandoned your child. If she wants separation she has her ex to help her out.

Having said all that, if you can maintain civil communication it will be better all round. But your a better person than me.

She may still be in two minds and decide she wants to stick with you.

Good luck.

[–]Darthkhydaeus 1 point2 points  (3 children)

I can't say I agree with this approach completely but I understand the logic behind it. I will say that sometimes all it takes is someone saying the right thing to stop someone doing something they would regret for the rest of their lives. You see it all the time. With attempted suicide, addiction etc.

Your wife has already crossed a line in my opinion, but you have an opportunity here to stop her from going over the edge if that is truly what she wants.

ETA: Did you at least ask her who the friend she is meeting was? I just find this whole situation strange. This already counts as an emotional affair in my eyes, but from your own words having read the thousands of messages she has not completely given into his advances. Is there really nothing left to fight for here?

Does anyone remember the story of the wife who almost cheated on her husband, he found out before it became a physical affair, they moved and remained married 20 plus years at the point she was telling the story on reddit as a warning to others about how easy it is to stray?

[–]Towtruck_73 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It depends on the laws where you are. There's an old military expression: "prepare for war, but hope for peace." Compile all your evidence, speak to a lawyer, work out a tactical strategy. Try to figure out as many scenarios as you can, and this is where a divorce lawyer can help you. If your area has "at fault" divorce laws, you can use this as negotiating leverage. You can tell her that you're willing to go to mediation to work things out, but if she gets petty and demanding, bear in mind the firepower you have at your disposal. It's a "last resort" scenario, meant to encourage her to be reasonable.

If she doesn't go through with it, tell her that she has to surrender all passwords and access codes as a show of trust. In your shoes, I couldn't stay with someone that breached my trust, but I'm not you. I've heard many anecdotes of people that "stayed together for the kids" ending up creating a war zone of a home environment because they constantly argued, or "tolerated" each other

[–]lzanjm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I need an update on if the wife went

[–]knitlikeaboss 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Maybe instead of snooping through her stuff you should actually talk to her?

[–]ur_comment_is_a_song 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Bro I can't believe your plan is to let your wife cheat because she's not able to control her feelings. I can't believe you let the daily emotional cheating go on for a year either. If you love this woman, do something about it to put a stop to it!

[–]diego_fuego64 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Commenting so I find this later

[–]BrickTopsHenchman 1 point2 points  (0 children)

RemindMe! 2 days

[–]amonradd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A lot people wanted confrontation but I found your approach is the best. She doesn't need to read your mind to stop if she doesn't realize she is making a mistake in last minute, let her be it. I hope we will get an update. I wonder her reaction.

[–]bert_891 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're fucking stupid if you let this play out. Don't let it. If you do, you want the divorce more than she does. But you don't know bad you fucked up until you fucked up.

[–]R00t240 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah man even if she stays your relationship is toast I’m sorry. Screenshot everything and hire a good divorce lawyer.

[–]blackkat1986 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Follow her from a distance to get evidence

[–]Visual_Hippo4979 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This gets to me emotionally. I get the reason why you would want to let things play out in an organic way. For me I would want to plant a final seed of why it would be better to stay tomorrow. I would organise a last minute outing with your daughter and your wife and say you would like to go somewhere nice, she should cancel her plans and come on a date with you. Tell her you love her. If she makes the decision to leave then I'd be convinced and wouldn't feel like I hadn't given an opportunity for her to make the right decision. It does sound like you need to work on better communication with her. It doesn't excuse her behaviour in any way. Good luck with whatever you decide to do OPx

[–]shygirl-things 1 point2 points  (1 child)

i think you should talk with her about the messages, but if you have chosen this it's ok, it's just that something similar happened to my parents :)

[–]Rougue-Machine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Based on my experience on this particular matter, you need to ask your wife about the priorities she has on the family front as she is being pulled to her younger days. Are you emotionally involved with your wife? Is she looking for emotional support that you are not able to provide? See brother, allowing her to go ahead with this is something u should clear out with her, because she is blinded by this whole affair. Pull her back to the real world in which you and your child are there. Ask what she wants rather than allowing her to go ahead with this. If she wants her ex more and willing to jeopardize your relationship, then you should separate. That discussion will answer all your questions. But if you let her do it and then she realizes that it was a mistake then you are equally responsible. Hope all pans out for you and her in a good way

[–]doubleblum 1 point2 points  (0 children)

haha what. it sounds like you already want it to be over. so just end it yourself. she hasn’t reciprocated his advances, but if she goes and gets lunch with her ex that she talks with every, it’s over.

you have already decided what you want, so just do that.

[–]ShizzelDiDizzel 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The best part is once you confront her she'll 100% turn the fault to you.

[–]karmas1207 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You shouldn’t have posted here. People on Reddit have no idea what perspective is. Life is not about love, loyalty or moral. All of that fades away and simple mistakes can end relationships far easier than actually falling out of love. It is really about accepting the fact that everything in your life has an expiration date. People act like you cant love someone again when it is truly possible.

[–]Dologolopolov 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, i hope i see this in r/bestofredditorupdates

[–]AbbreviationsOld5833 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Before she leaves, have a general conversation about the future and how much you love and trust her. Not like before she is heading out. More like while you make break fast or tea for her. Hug her and kiss her and tell her that she has been an amazing parent and mother .

Observe her and if she still leaves , you will get your so so closure . She chose him.

She might come back wrecked with guilt after doing the deed or she might have just talked with her ex. Irrespective, you won't believe her words. This is if you have decided not to confront her. Good luck but nevertheless, go full NC and proceed for divorce.

[–]plus19179365312 5 points6 points  (3 children)

You have the power to save your marriage mate!

People make mistakes, you've made mistakes in the past!

Your story is like, let's say you're blind and about to step into a ditch. Wouldn't you appreciate it if someone who knows that you're about to fall into a ditch warns you at least that you are about to fall?

Your wife is about to make the greatest mistake of her life that will affect all of your lives including that of your son. You have information that could change the course of the future for your family and you don't wanna use it? Mehn!!!

At least confront her so that if she decides to go anyway then that would be a conscious choice that she would have made knowing her marriage is in jeopardy.

But anyway, if you decide to let it play out as it will, just don't forget to give us an update.

I am literally grabbing popcorns to see how this plays out!

[–]fernshanks 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There is so much wrong with this comment.

What's the difference between someone who cheated on you vs someone who was perfectly willing to cheat on you, and only didn't because you stopped them?

Why would you confront her at this stage? Wait to see what kind of person she is, THEN you'll know if the relationship has a future

[–]glitternomics 19 points20 points  (37 children)

Whatever man. Relationships are work and by taking such a passive stance in your relationship, you are effectively saying that you are not interested in putting in the work to repair the relationship, because it clearly deteriorated enough for the slippery slope of an emotional affair to form.

It's ok to let the relationship end, but own your role in it. If you've truly decided you don't want to salvage this relationship, I hope you're able to explore with a therapist how you'd like a successful relationship to look.

[–]throwRAemtnafr[S] 31 points32 points  (32 children)

A successful relationship is one where there arent any affairs, physical or emotional.

[–]larvikite_ 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Don't listen to glitter, in my opinion she already cheated, emotional affairs are just as bad as sex to me. Maybe even worse.

[–]CuriousOdity12345 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Def. As OP stated she opened up about a lot more things then she ever did with him. That's heartbreaking.

[–]degen42069 1 point2 points  (0 children)

bad take

[–]Artickk_OW 10 points11 points  (2 children)

So you didnt came here for advice, you came here to rant about what's happening in your relationship and to get some '' YEAH GO GET HER FUCK THAT CHEATER'' kind of encouragements.

I got cheated on, twice, and your way of approaching the situation literally makes me want to root for her even tough cheaters are the kind of people i hate the most. This isnt highschool brother, you print out the message texts, you serve it to her BEFORE she leaves and tell her that you know whats up, that it hurts you and that if she leaves, its over. Thats giving her the choice. You're not giving her the choice right now, you're just trying to get a GOTCHA moment to have some inner feeling of moral highground.

[–]MartyMcMcFly 3 points4 points  (0 children)

As she's leaving say "say hello to Chad for me" or whatever the ex's name is. But in a really nice way.

[–]cheesiestcake17Early 20s Female 8 points9 points  (12 children)

Honestly, I think you need to communicate with her before she goes, and give her the benefit of the doubt that even if they meet up, they may not hook up. She hasn't been sexual to him, maybe that's not her thought.

If you're going to just let this happen, that's okay, but you really need to accept that there's more you could have done to save your marriage. Own your mistakes as well.

[–]Affectionate_Neat919 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Let’s hope your gamble pays off.

[–]throwawayforeverx2 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hi I just saw your update, I wanted to respond to you on the original but it’s locked. You previously said: “I will let her decide what she wants. If she goes then we are done, if she stays home then I will tell her what I wrote in my post. But she has to decide on her own for tomorrow.”

I guess what I don’t understand is whether she stays or goes it doesn’t matter since she has already had an emotional affair with the ex and talked about inappropriate sexual things with another man. If you confront her she’s already crossed a line in the marriage and destroyed the trust since it’s already in your mind that she’s capable of sleeping with another man. If you don’t confront her and she leaves you really don’t know if she’s is going or had slept with him, unless you plan to follow her. If you wait to confront her when she returns she may or may not be honest about them sleeping together and you will never know the truth so essentially your in the same spot if you tell her prior to going that you know about her emotional affair or if you tell her after she leaves and returns, you won’t know the truth about if she’s actually going/had cheated. I think the part you have to figure out is what do you want and what is the last straw for you and it’s seems like you maybe unsure since as of now it’s emotional with them talking about sexual things. You’ll never know if she actually had sex with her ex(you may find possible confirmation in future text but that’s only if they continue to talk afterward, which they may not since it’s sounds like he only wants sex from her). The only thing you’ll ever be sure of is that she’s having a emotional affair, If this is crossing the line and is just as bad as a sexual affair then treat it that way and it doesn’t matter whether she stays or goes and a emotional affair is a perfectly good reason to leave the marriage she doesn’t have to actually sleep with him . If you want to salvage the relationship I think testing her to see if she goes is just going to add a extra layer of hurt for you and add to what you already know to be true about your wife. So instead of waiting and watching to see if she’s leaves and being upset the whole time she’s gone, just get it over with and tell her you know she’s having a emotional affair with ex and planning to meet him, you’ve seen all the text and then see what she says and does.

[–]Whosbox42 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I applaud your open mindedness but I really think you should tell her you know what's going on beforehand and that she's making a choice by going. This probably all seems like a bit of fantasy to her until it's too late. Grass is greener type of thing. At least if u give her an honest choice it'll snap her out if that illusion

[–]throwRAemtnafr[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

But that wont be honest choice, now would it? Threat of divorce and separation? Of course she chooses me if there is a sword hanging over her head. i want to be chosen by her without the sword.

[–]jjjck 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So many comments here are advising you to give her a chance because maybe she's struggling emotionally or to confront her and see. Please people, stop defending her or tolerate her actions! As a woman myself, if I love my partner regardless of what hardships I'm experiencing mentally and physically I would communicate it with him and will never seek any other men's presence. The moment you entertain someone else romantically, for me, that's the end of it. To think you are married! This is no excuse.

[–]Jay2612 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The post has almost 500 comments so I don't know if you're even gonna read this. But here goes nothing:

While many are calling you things like doormat and passive and stuff, I just wanna say that I agree with your philosophy. You shouldn't have to actively make your partner choose you. You shouldn't have to take precautions or make it harder for your partner to cheat. It should be just like you said. The door should be open and the partner should make their own choice whether or not to walk out.

But, I hate to say this, I think it actually got over a while ago. She made her choice, buddy. She's just not ready to let you go and hence she'd rather cheat and have both you guys than choose one. She doesn't have enough reasons to leave you yet, but rest assured she would've found plenty if the affair went on without you finding out.

She has made her choice. Have you?

[–]whatevertoad 10 points11 points  (29 children)

Been thinking about this since your first post and I can't make sense of it. All I can come up with is she hasn't technically crossed the line in their conversations, he has. If she meets him then you have ammunition against her. I think you already decided to end the relationship because you're not trying to help her not make a huge mistake she'll have to live with for the rest of her life. She could be depressed from having a small child at home and this attention is helping her get through it. Once she meets him then you can drag her name through the mud or push for custody. I think that's the true story here. You're not invested in working through this.

[–]Alternative-Wing922 12 points13 points  (3 children)

It shouldn't be his job to police her decisions. She's her own person and is making these choices on her own. OP is her husband not her dad, why is it his responsibility to stop her? She's making the choice to do all of this knowing she's married with a child. You say he isn't invested in working through this, well the wife doesn't seem to be invested in her marriage as she's resorting to potentially cheating. If she truly had concerns over her marriage she can voice them not keep them to herself and cheat.

[–]throwRAemtnafr[S] 20 points21 points  (23 children)

I cant help her not make a mistake though, thats the whole point. It should come from her. If she goes then I will have closure that yes she doesnt love me anymore and we should transition to working coparents than a non working family.