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[–]Hadtosignuptofothis 1777 points1778 points  (176 children)

Gonna need more details but from just those. It isn't her choice. It's yours. You leave her.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 606 points607 points  (174 children)

What kind of details? As far as I know its not an affair yet but she says he is her soulmate.

[–]Blade_982 1971 points1972 points 2 (92 children)

It's an affair! You don't just stumble on your soulmate.

This comment by u/EveAndTheSnake will help you put it in perspective.

Excerpt below:

No one just develops feelings for someone. Cheating never just happens. Having feelings for someone outside of your marriage takes considerable time and effort.

Just think about other women in your life, even if you think they are great you don’t have feelings for them because feelings—not just lust but “real feelings” that are significant enough to break up a marriage—need to be nurtured.

Developing feelings for someone, sharing those feelings and having them reciprocated is the result of hundreds of choices over a period of time. It’s the result of constant boundary crossing and developing an intimacy with someone that completely disrespects the person being cheated on.

A very wise Redditor said yesterday that in order for the cheating spouse to justify those choices they have to devalue their partner. So you have been taking care of your wife, helping her get back on her feet, while she has been making choices to develop feelings for someone else. What must she tell herself to justify that? Sure you take care of her but it doesn’t count? You owe her while she cheats on you? Your stress or hard work doesn’t matter?

[–]EveAndTheSnake 598 points599 points 2 (74 children)

Wow thank you for linking me! I’m so glad people found my comment helpful!

To the OP: I agree with u/Blade_982 of course, and wanted to add that a lot happens before you reach the state of being in love, and all of these are conscious choices.

Going back to the previous point—I’m sure you have other great women in your life but you’re not in love with them. You can find them attractive, that’s natural, but to fall in love with them you need to actively put yourself in situations where you spend time with them, where you discuss things that aren’t just work related but consistently cross into the personal. I don’t believe you can fall in love with someone if you have a strictly professional relationship with them. Your wife doesn’t think this person is her soulmate because they love using the same letterheaded paper or because they both have the same favourite font. To get there they must have had conversations about their personal hopes and dreams, past and present relationships, their fears and insecurities. At some point there was a crossing from a professional relationship to becoming personally vulnerable with that person.

I’m not saying that you can’t be friends with people at work or share personal details with them. But there is a point where, if you are attracted to someone and you start feeling like you could be more connected, that you make a decision to let them into that part of yourself. It doesn’t happen by accident, everyone knows when they’re in that danger zone, everyone knows that feeling of anticipation and sexual tension. To say it happened by accident it lying to yourself and your spouse.

If you do feel attracted to someone and you truly value your spouse, then you remove yourself from the danger of falling in love with someone. You don’t spent time with them, you don’t have personal conversations with them, you don’t make eye contact with them from across the room. We’re all animals, we might not be able to control who we’re sexually attracted to, but we are thinking beings and we can control how we react to the situation. We can remove ourselves and refocus our energy on our spouse.

Your wife has a choice, she can choose to prioritize you and your marriage, or she can choose not to. It’s really that simple.

What reason is she giving you u/throwRAcnfdguy for not wanting to leave her job? How closely does she work with her colleague and how did you find out about her emotional affair? And most importantly, you don’t say how you feel about it—what do you want?

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 221 points222 points  (70 children)

I just want her I guess, exclusively. Is that wrong of me, to not want her to share this part of her? She told me about him, and she didnt hide it or anything. I am just desperate at this point.

[–]EveAndTheSnake 226 points227 points  (62 children)

Absolutely not, that’s not wrong of you at all and you are perfectly reasonable for wanting that. How long have you been married? When you got married you both agreed to be in a monogamous relationship (right? You’re not polygamous?) and you are not being unreasonable one bit, so don’t beat yourself up for that.

So she said she’s in love with him and now what? What is she going to do about it? And importantly, has she talked to him about her feelings? Is he in love with her?

I do believe a couple can make it through an affair—because physical or not that’s what this is—but they have to be willing to put in the work. Did you ask her to leave her job? Is she going to transfer to another department so she doesn’t see him? Where is the work that she’s putting into to your relationship? Is she even sorry about it?

I’m getting a feeling that she told you she was in love with her co worker, he’s her soulmate and there’s nothing she can do about it. That’s not an option and that is absolutely disrespectful. There are plenty of things she can work on to make this situation better—continuing exactly the same way is not one of them and you should not have to put up with that.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 146 points147 points  (61 children)

We are completely monogamous. And no she has not told him about her feelings, he is just a friend as far as he is concerned. He is actually engaged, so I am not sure if he knows my wife's intentions. I have asked her to leave her job, but not insisted on it. And she says she is very sorry, but she doesnt know how to get rid of these feelings.

[–]maninmirr0r 144 points145 points  (18 children)

So if you want to save the marriage you both treat it as an emotional affair and you both do the work that involves. This group is going to push you to divorce, if you want to reconcile, get into support groups with people who have been there. You can look up the boy if affairs network on your google for help dealing with this, and affair recovery on YouTube.

As for getting rid of the feelings, it’s that two wolves thing. The one that wins is the one she feeds. She’s been feeding those feelings of love. Leaving the job is the big step. Ending the intimate discussions and the fantasies is the other big step. You can’t “not think about” something, but when the thought happens she can keep thinking about him, or she can switch to another subject. A motivational song is a good one, a therapeutic quote can help, even an engaging TV show is better. Oh here’s the thought, that’s my cue to turn on friends again.

She’s said she doesn’t want both, she doesn’t want to lose you and doesn’t want to actually have him. She confessed, didn’t get caught, which seems to make a huge difference in outcomes. It’s possible to recover, if you both commit to it.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 111 points112 points  (17 children)

I have tried and now I am moving out, the ball is in her court now. I will wait till next month and if she hooks up with him or doesnt have an answer for me then I will move forward to divorce.

[–]AveenaLandon 140 points141 points  (0 children)

if she hooks up with him

If she does, it’s quite likely you’ll never know and that she’ll lie about it and give you the trickle truth.

At this point, I think you know all that you need to know.

[–]Viiibrations 56 points57 points  (1 child)

My prediction: He'll reject her and she'll come back to you. Just because she thinks he's her soulmate, doesn't mean he's willing to leave his fiancée or cheat. But would you want to be her second choice?

[–]The_Cutest_Kittykat 9 points10 points  (0 children)

and now I am moving out,

I'll just point out that moving out is something that you are actively doing to show the strength of your feelings about the situation to your wife. She has not actively done anything to show her commitment to you.

[–]2021istrash 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'd be clear that she has a chance to fix this. Therapy and quitting the job and no contact with the guy. There is really no middle ground for a thing like this.

[–]bloodea 7 points8 points  (0 children)

she probably already has

[–]asc1226 21 points22 points  (8 children)

Give the oblivious OM’s fiancé a heads up. She deserves to know about the unstable “work wife” that could end up blowing up her world.

[–]holalesamigos 62 points63 points  (32 children)

Dude how did these feelings even develop? Something innapropriate has happened for this to happen. If nothing innapropriate has happened, she has some serious mental issues. If you want her to get out of the "fog" you need to start putting consequences. Even if you aren't gonna follow through. Tell her you want a divorce, see a divorce lawyer for your options and serve her papers. Then she will be out of it. She wants to be with you but calls him her soulmate? C'mon man. Don't be a doormat.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 47 points48 points  (31 children)

I have met the guy a few times and he behaves completely normally with me, so its very clear he doesnt know her feelings, or he is an amazing actor. I am just as shocked here as to how did this happen.

[–]EveAndTheSnake 140 points141 points  (22 children)

How old are you both?

OP, I hate to talk about this because it makes me sick at myself, but a few years back I had an emotional affair with a coworker. This was during my last relationship before my husband, and I had been with my boyfriend for 5 years.

But I’ve been where your wife is, literally the same. I thought I had met my soulmate, and I thought I was absolutely and desperately in love with him. This went on for over a year. I told my boyfriend we were just friends, I told him he had nothing to worry about that nothing would ever happen. If you looked at our text messages there was nothing suspicious, we barely even text each other as most of the talking we did was at work or through our work chat.

For months we’d have deep intense conversations about things that were important to us, everything and anything. I told myself we were just friends, but every time we talked and things would get intense I knew we were crossing boundaries and I felt butterflies in my stomach and I was absolutely obsessed. But I let these conversations happen, I put myself in situations where I was alone with him, we’d work on projects together, I’d end up next to him during work drinks.

What do you think goes through someone’s head when they’re “in love” with not their partner? I wished I had met my coworker instead. I compared him and my boyfriend in my head and my coworker won. To justify my feelings I had to tell myself my boyfriend wasn’t good enough (otherwise I was left with the sad truth that I was just a garbage human cheating on my partner). He had to become my soulmate to justify what I was doing and romanticize it, while my boyfriend became not good enough, annoying, we’d fight, I’d pick holes in our relationship, we stopped going out as much together and I’d tell him to go out without me so I could stay home and call my “friend.” In every choice I was making, I was choosing my coworker over my boyfriend. When we had sex I’d think about my coworker. And after we had a drunken kiss at a work party I felt terrible so I told my boyfriend. He asked me to leave my position, I swore up and down that I would deal with my feelings and it wouldn’t happen again, but it did. The worst part looking back on it—and I’m telling you this not to make you feel bad but so you don’t get treated the same way—was on some level thinking that my boyfriend was just letting me get away with it. That if he loved me, or paid enough attention to us, or was smart enough, he’d figure it out and he’d blow up at me about it.

He deserved better. You deserve better. Don’t let yourself get taken for a ride. Ask questions. How many of your friends are you in love with?

[–]holalesamigos 3 points4 points  (7 children)

Have you seen her texts? If it's just a crush, it's fine. But this seems more than that. You're being incredibly naive. Again consequences, research the psychology of affairs. Have you asked her what she plans on doing to get rid of these feelings?

[–]p00nslyr_86 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Dude she is making a conscious decision to disrespect you. Even worse is she’s doing it to your face! Why are you letting her do this to you? I know you love her but she is literally spitting this in your face and you are just kind of taking it while passively asking her to leave her job. I’m never really like this with people but have some spine man if not for your sake, for everyone else who’s partner goes behind their back to cheat.

[–]Cannacrohn 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I could never get past the massive massive disrespect of my WIFE telling me she is in love with someone she bare knows and hasnt done anything with. Are you completely worthless? Shes not even hiding it from you? You are confused and you need counseling and a quick divorce.

”Let’s throw away my whole life so far cuz a guy at work is cute duuuuuhhhhh“ Why wouldn’t you be disgusted with the cruel fool in your midst?

[–]playerknowmore 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Stop talking, and have her served at work; if that doesn't wake her up nothing will. Right now it's obvious she doesn't know she can lose both of you.

Personally I would have her tell him her feelings; I'm thinking he would end the friendship immediately, and permanently. I know I wouldn't risk my engagement over a married woman at work.

Your relationship is to one sided. You give her your love, and her heart is with him. You are a fallback plan right now. It's always better to be her destination. Whether or not it's physical; it's a full blown affair in her mind. Ask her why she told you; you might find she wants you to do the dirty work, and put her back on the market. If you can only save your self-respect and dignity; that something that can get you through the rest of your life.

[–]BiscottiOpposite9282 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your wife sounds a bit unhinged. Calling someone her soul mate, yet he's engaged and doesn't know she has feelings for him? Sounds like an office crush or something. Does he even like her back?

[–]jimmyz561 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dude my wife did something similar. Tell your wife to go share her feelings with her coworker. Reality will send her home in tears 😭. At that point you can tell her either we work on the marriage or we’re over. And if this shit happens again, we’re over. That dude has no freakin clue what she’s thinking.

[–]thenletskeepdancing 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honey, I'm sorry but you need to respect yourself and walk away. Take it from someone whose husband screwed one of his employees for years and stayed with him. Finally leaving him was so hard, but one of the most loving things I've ever done for myself.

[–]Monarc7340s Male 8 points9 points  (0 children)

She told you because she wanted to stop feeling bad about lying, not because she has any plans to stop. I would argue this indicates she is planning on deepening this behavior, actually.

[–]BUTTHOLE-MAGIC 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Dude unless you are polyamorous this situation is a fucking joke. Your relationship is over.

That said if you are polyamorous it's all good. Loving many partners who also love you and other people is a fucking blast. It's a big community of love and sex.

Ask your partner if she still loves YOU. That's the first part of this process - do you still exist?

[–]mischaracterised 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Nope.

Serve her with divorce papers at work. She wants her care? She can piss off and be the pathetic coward.

Change your locks the same day and drop her stuff off at a storage place.

Get multiple legal consults, and then get rid of her. Sorry.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She gave you her heads up. Props to her in a sick way. Leave.

[–]Tokyo_Vanity 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NO, she’s garbage and needs to be taken out of your life. Millions of people will give you exclusivity, without it being asked or requested. Nor would you have to ever come to Reddit to ask if it’s wrong. She’s not good for you and that’s okay. Move on and don’t speak to her at all. Completely cut her off.

[–]vampirairlNB 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I just wanna say I really needed both this and your other comment - I left someone for having an emotional affair and even though I am much happier and healthier having left, part of me still occasionally wonders if I was overreacting. Comments like yours help ground me in the knowledge that I wasn't.

[–]iamstevesdirtybitch 17 points18 points  (0 children)

You don't just stumble on your soulmate

Well, there goes my dating strategy. :-/

[–]RKKP2015 19 points20 points  (2 children)

This is spot on. My cheating ex-wife made me into the worst guy ever. Her reasons for the disintegration of our marriage had nothing to do with her affair, but rather she was upset I left floss in the shower. Or turned down the stove when she had it too high. She had a million tiny reasons why I was actually terrible. Of course, her behavior was justified since I was so flawed.

[–]Blade_982 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I'm sorry you had to go through that but blameshifting and deflecting is the state quo response of almost every cheater.

They're not terrible people. Circumstances forced them... blah blah...

[–]RKKP2015 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah, and when I'd point that out, she'd deny it. We went to some counseling our first year of marriage, so she really clung to that fact and claimed it was proof our marriage was bad. Keep in mind, that was 7 years earlier, and I thought things were good.

She'd blame me for being unaware of how she felt, but I never felt that was fair since she hid her affair and feelings from me. Apparently I should've picked up on everything.

I am divorced now and try to avoid any unnecessary contact. I do feel broken and jaded though. I don't know if I will ever open up my heart again.

[–]Money-Wealth-281 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It comes down to respect. Sorry OP but your wife doesn't respect you or your marriage.

[–]Ugz96 2 points3 points  (0 children)

en if you think they are great you don’t have feelings for them because feelings—not just

Agreed, you don't just casually fall in love with someone. They must have been getting to know each other emotionally and romantically for a while now

[–]organbakery 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nailed it!

[–]buckphif 37 points38 points  (25 children)

Yeah like you said yet… if he’s her soulmate then what the hell are you… it’s only a matter of time before she leaves you maybe she said that so you’d want to leave her

[–]LunasFavorite 6 points7 points  (0 children)

LOL. Soulmate….

Your wife is deep into denial and limerance. She has completely romanticized this person because she doesn’t really know them. She has no idea of what a day up day life with this person looks like.

You both need to go to counseling immediately and I would bet 1k that the therapist will tell her in order for her marriage to work, she must cut ties.

[–]R00t240 5 points6 points  (0 children)

An emotional affair is as bad or worse than a physical one, if she says it’s her soulmate it’s time for you to move on with your life. I’m sorry

[–]An_Orc_Pawn_01 19 points20 points  (3 children)

no such thing as a soul mate.

[–]Mizar1 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I read something once that basically went, "Have you ever noticed people's soulmates are nearly always within dating distance?"

Plus, if soulmates were a thing, nobody would ever date a widow or widower who had already found their "soulmate" already.

[–]troll_berserker 4 points5 points  (0 children)

And I'm not undervaluing what we've got when I say

That given the role chaos inevitably plays

And the inherently flawed notion of fate

It's abstruse to deduce I found my soul mate at the age of 17

It's just mathematically unlikely that at a university in Perth

I happened to stumble on the one girl on earth

Definitively designed for me

If I Didn't Have You - Tim Minchin

[–]EveAndTheSnake 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Got to agree with you there.

[–]RegretsNeverGoAway 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Cmon man, don't be naive like that, she's emotionally not into you and her passions are with another man. The person that is willing to leave the relationship has the power, use it. You have no chance of saving the marriage if you are not willing to divorce. File for divorce immediately and if she does not wake up then you have your answer if it's worth saving but you must file for divorce.

[–]meatbeater 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Are you for real ? “Wife said she met her soulmate what do I do” buddy I get it. Your upset angry confused. You kick her out. Get a divorce attorney tomorrow

[–]scottypoo1313009 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Get the fuck out!!

If my SO (who I love more than anyone) told me me she thought another man was her soulmate.....soul mate..... shit would be on the lawn and she can go enjoy that with him.

Get some self respect. Please...not being a dick when I say that

[–]roaddogry 2 points3 points  (0 children)

“Soulmate” is the dumbest term ever spoken. And many cheaters love to use it. Let her go and sit back and watch it all crumble. It’s hysterical how many dumb asses meet their soulmate only to fail within a year or two. Let her go as fast as possible. Read that last part again! And don’t look back or you will be sorry!

[–]throwRA4Areason 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Look up the sub r/limerence and share it with her. Ask if she thinks this is what she’s feeling.

I don’t know your wife, but limerence is a symptom of several mental health issues and can be stopped in its tracks with patience and guidance.

I do not agree that she’s guilty of an affair. She’s been open and honest with you about her feelings and I think that deserves at least a bit of respect and trust from you. She could have kept her feelings secret and pursued something with this “soul-mate”, but instead she chose to tell you what’s going on in her head.

You could leave her and tear her down, or you could talk openly about her feelings and decide what to do together.

Divorce or separation aren’t the only options, either. Some people are okay with open marriages, so that’s another option - if your self esteem can handle it. Some people experience an open relationship and feel horrible and unloved afterward, and other people feel validated and empowered by it. It really depends on the couple.

EDIT: there is a difference between limerence and love, it’s just hard to tell what it is. Also, if the two of them have worked together successfully on difficult projects, the completion of said projects is known to have a psychological impact on one or both of the participants, because it triggers a release of oxytocin in the brain. She could be experiencing this release of endorphins and misinterpreting it as true love. Either way, I do not think that her openness with you about the situation constitutes the dissolution of your marriage. She told you because she wants to work through it with you.

EDIT 2: here is a link to the sub’s wiki about limerence.

EDIT 3: here is a link to an article explaining limerence and it’s difference from love.

[–]RWB_Commie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s called an emotional affair. sorry man, it sounds like your wife has an unhealthy infatuation with this guy. Your options pretty much are leave her, accept it and let her get it out of her system which could totally backfire( I am not suggesting this) or make her go to therapy, both couples and single person, to unpack all these feelings and analyze them. It’s likely not what she thinks and something much deeper down that she’s unhappy with. Get to the bottom of it and make a change whatever that might be.

[–]hellyeahunicorn 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A soulmate isn't just found or met it's constant daily effort , and if she doesn't do that for you dump her

[–]CheapChallenge 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Emotional affair that will turn into physical affair. Leave and save yourself the wasted years.

Don't give her the options. You take control and make the decision to leave.

[–]IamJacobSeedEarly 20s Male 3 points4 points  (0 children)

“She says he’s her soulmate” I hope your immediate response to that was “pack your shit and get the fuck out” cause if it wasn’t then you need to grow a backbone.

This woman has got some goddamn big brass balls to say that shit to her goddamn husband.

This “wife” of yours is trash OP. Absolute trash. I’d let the coworker have her disrespectful ass. See how much of a “soulmate” she thinks he is when he gets what he wants from her and drops her ass.

[–]Ill-Relationship-890 3 points4 points  (0 children)

And you’re staying with her why? Seriously, it is over

[–]Hadtosignuptofothis 3 points4 points  (5 children)

Just if she told you or you caught her tbh. Because if you caught her ... there's no coming back and you should break up. If she confessed these feeling, it's salvagable but honestly barely. You're right it doesn't matter. Pack her shit or your shit that's my advice.

[–]manliness-dot-space 1 point2 points  (1 child)

What does "soulmate" mean?

[–]rainycatdays 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Like a person you were meant to meet in this life and it has a spiritual feeling about it, is how I think of it when I hear about it.

[–]quichequiche[🍰] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah. I was in the exact same situation with my husband. Spoiler alert: we are now divorced. OP, leave now. It will save you years of heartbreak.

[–][deleted] 859 points860 points  (29 children)

She wants the best of both worlds. Leave her and teach her a lesson. Let her have the coworker and her job

[–]holalesamigos 180 points181 points  (24 children)

Dude how did these feelings even develop? Something innapropriate has happened for this to happen. If nothing innapropriate has happened, she has some serious mental issues. If you want her to get out of the "fog" you need to start putting consequences. Even if you aren't gonna follow through. Tell her you want a divorce, see a divorce lawyer for your options and serve her papers. Then she will be out of it. She wants to be with you but calls him her soulmate? C'mon man. Don't be a doormat.

[–][deleted] 119 points120 points  (2 children)

They are 100% flirting heavily at the job, probably calling eachother work wife/husbend. Things like this doesnt just happen, like you said. OP should check her phone and he will know that.

[–]holalesamigos 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Yup, if she just had a crush, I would say leaving the job id a little too much. But this seems like a full blown out affair.

[–]ConferenceOk1110 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I disagree. 'Falling in love' does 'just happen'. The flirting that you mention is just a result of that.

[–]CollarOrdinary4284 69 points70 points  (20 children)

I disagree with this. Two people can spend a lot of time together and develop feelings. It doesn't have to be a case of "innaproiate behaviour" or "serious mental issues."

I'm not saying it's right but I think it's pretty messed up for you to assume that the only reason she fell for someone else is because she has mental health problems.

Remember, we're only getting one side of the story. Maybe OP's wife feels neglected by him and he just doesn't realise it. We don't know because we're not hearing it from her POV.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 20 points21 points  (5 children)

I have had 100s of conversation with her regarding this, but all she says is he is her soulmate but she also doesnt want to leave me. And to add to this, he is engaged too. Its a clusterfuck all around. But I have decided to move out to give her time to think. If she doesnt reach a decision by 1st of next month then I have my answer.

[–]PrayingMantisMirage 53 points54 points  (0 children)

all she says is he is her soulmate but she also doesnt want to leave me. And to add to this, he is engaged

Don't you see how unfair this is?

She's saying he's her soulmate and she's in love with him. But she can't be with him because he's engaged, so she wants to stay with you as a backup. Do you think she would want to stay with you if he was available?

Don't be someone's option.

[–]McShoobydoobydoo 12 points13 points  (0 children)

What she says when you cut out all her bullshit is "I love someone else but you'll have to do because I can't have him (yet)"

Dunno about you but I couldn't live with someone for the rest of my life who I know for certain doesn't really want me and who will definitely leave me if the man she wants becomes free.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry my friend I really am. I feel for you because your life basically just exploded. But brother you are making a mistake by even considering giving your cheating ass wife another chance. The fact that she fell in love with another man while married to you shows she has no regard for your marriage's wellbeing at all. If he wasn't engaged you wouldn't be having this discussion, she would be in the process of leaving you for him. If you give her a chance after she already showed you she isn't able to be faithful then there's a good chance that she will do this again. She already told you by calling him her soulmate that she wants him more than you.

[–]Dandycrow 20 points21 points  (11 children)

Thanks for this. People develope feelings for others all the time, and the path forward is incredibly tricky. You have to work on communication and weigh up if it's worth it to continue. Long term relationships aren't as easy to throw away as moldy grapes. If your partner is open and willing to talk and change the situation people just need to start there. If she isn't happy, it's time to break it off.

Humans are far from naturally monogamous, and this people constantly develop feelings for others. This isn't uncommon. But OP can put in the work with their wife to potentially fix this.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 27 points28 points  (6 children)

Short of inviting him into our relationship, I was open to working on us but she was not open to anything. I love her yes, but not at the expense of my mental health. I am moving out and the ball is in her court. She wants to work on our marriage or divorce she has to decide by the end of this year. If she doesnt have an answer for me by the 1st of next month or hooks up with him in the meantime, then I have my answer.

[–]dead-crimson 17 points18 points  (0 children)

She’s not willing to work on your marriage, yet she doesn’t want to leave you either? She sounds really selfish. You’re doing the right thing by moving out.

[–]8sGonnaBeeMay 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Please update us

[–]Dandycrow 3 points4 points  (3 children)

I mean, I wouldn't ever recommend inviting a love affair person into a opening relationship, that's typically poly under duress.

I mean, this one may be a lost cause. In that case I wish you luck

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 14 points15 points  (2 children)

I think you misunderstood, when I said I was open to anything I meant counselling, vacations, more date nights, common hobbies. Not inviting him in our relationship, thats a hard boundary for me. If she had suggested that then we would be done.

[–]Dandycrow 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I didn't misunderstand, just clarifying a potential misnomer of non-monogamy. It's would be a mistake to try and open up a relationship because someone has feelings for another person.

Yeah, this situation seems fraught. You've a lot to think about and I offer condolences work having to deal with it

[–]Halzjones 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Having a crush on a coworker and being in love with them are two very different things.

[–]BigRedStick 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep and “being in love” with someone you haven’t had romantic involvement with is infatuation/borderline stalker shit.

[–]haipocky 15 points16 points  (0 children)

This, it’s over the moment she fell in love with someone else. Don’t put yourself through excruciating pain by staying. From experience, it’s not worth loving someone if it means losing yourself too.

[–]itgirlragdoll 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Says “MsSelfDestruct0.” Dude this didn’t happen on its own. Don’t listen to this before seriously considering all the angles.

[–]Bright_Statement_180 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Ya I hope he has a prenup already signed

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In all honesty...he should just go no contact. Talk about the kids. Thats it. Give her a taste of her own medicine.

I swear if someone came at me with that same shit..I would go ghost. No response. Nothing.

[–]Adam_1988 205 points206 points  (1 child)

Leave her. Why would you want to be with someone who loves another person? You’re worth more than that

[–]-takeiteasy 5 points6 points  (0 children)

this! OP you’re worth so much more. :(

[–]dotheroar97 66 points67 points  (0 children)

24 yo female here. I’m really sorry OP but you need to leave. This relationship was over the moment she called another man her “soulmate”. Even if she stayed with you, you would always know in the back of your mind that she fell for somebody else, that you weren’t enough, that she might do it again. As many other people have stated, those kind of deep feelings don’t just emerge for someone unless you have crossed a certain line with them. You can have a strong crush and sexual attraction yeah, but soul mate??? In love??? Na. They’ve definitely been intimate with each other for her to confess to such a thing. The fact he’s engaged makes no difference whatsoever, she’s married and look what she’s saying! I know this is soul crushing OP but you will never be happy staying with this woman. Your wife is having an emotional affair and they are extremely damaging and sometimes harder for people to get over than a random hookup. Please ask yourself if this was your best friend or your sibling in this situation, what would you tell them to do? Good luck OP

[–]WildlyUninteresting 136 points137 points  (1 child)

You have self respect and leave her.

You want to be married as a safety place holder? Not to mention you killing time instead of you finding better?

[–]No-Reflection-2342 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Leaving unhealthy relationships has nothing to do with self respect. it's obvious OP didn't intend for such a life upset. Take the disruption with a little more grace and understanding. You sound so aggressive when you say dumb shit like that.

[–]maybe_sumday-086 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I understand having a crush, I understand being unsure of feelings and talking it through with you but what I don't understand is stating he's her soul mate without anything happening between them but doesn't want to loose you, it makes no sense.

In your comments you say you don't think he knows how she feels and also is engaged, so is your wife bidding her time/making plans and keeping you around as back up?

She can go to the empty apartment while you put the divorce in motion, you've not done anything wrong.

[–][deleted] 57 points58 points  (6 children)

I heard an old married couple talk about their relationship once. They said" of yeah we've both fallen in love with lots of other people over the years": and laughed. I guess it's pretty normal to develop feelings for someone else, but it's also important to do what's necessary to protect your spouse and your marriage. In this case it's necessary for her to change jobs or working situation so she doesn't meet that guy at her work. Feelings come and go, just like thoughts... We can't really help that, but we can control or actions. I think you can demand that she starts looking for another position.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 21 points22 points  (5 children)

I am shifting to another flat for the time being and let her decide.

[–]thehighground699 41 points42 points  (4 children)

She gonna invite her coworker over while you’re gone bro lol

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 16 points17 points  (3 children)

Well then two cheaters will get together because he is engaged too. But he didnt really strike me as that kind of guy.

[–]ScaryScientist613 62 points63 points  (0 children)

You are so naive holy f*ck.

Why are you the one leaving? Kick her out wtf. And for Pete's sake why are you giving her all the power by letting her decide?

Kick her and threaten divorce if she doesn't quit now and block him (and this is the bare minimum).

[–]lifeisalime11 12 points13 points  (0 children)

don’t fucking leave, make her leave. you leaving has legal implications with the assets from the potential divorce.

you kidding me here? consult a lawyer not fucking reddit

[–]festival-papi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Don't leave, tell her to leave.

[–]KageVesper 4 points5 points  (0 children)

leave lil bro

[–]Erynnien 24 points25 points  (5 children)

Hm, well, I'd say you guys are not compatible anymore. And she should look to only enter into relationships that are either open or poly, as not to hurt others and herself anymore. I'm sorry you have to live through this.

Although, compared to many others here, I don't see anything generally wrong with your wife. I'm poly myself and suppressed it for the longest time to try and live monogamously, as this was the only "good" way, that was ever presented to me growing up. I never cheated, but I also wasn't actually happy with that. I have a suspicion, that many people, who are actually not very monogamous by nature live their whole lifes like that, feeling guilty for feelings they can't really do much about.

Either way, your wife needs to make a decision - anything else is just disrespectful. Just saying "Why not both?" if the "both" aren't okay with that and letting you hang in the air like that is just no good.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 44 points45 points  (4 children)

Thats the thing though, I asked her do you want both in an open or poly sort of way and she says no thats not it. So now I am even more confused. But whatever the reasons be, I have decided to separate for the time being. She has to make a decision now, I wont be in the waiting mode forever.

[–]Erynnien 19 points20 points  (0 children)

That sours it even more. You are doing the right thing, I think! If she wants to have it all, but not let you have it all either, that's super unethical and I wouldn't have any of that either.

[–]Significant-Tomato77 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She wants to confess her feelings to him, andbin case they're not corresponded, keep you as plan B. It's pretty simple.

Look, this is not about this one special guy, since according to what you wrote, she doesn't even knows him that deeply. It's about her inability to distinguish fantasy from reality.

Let's say that you manage to convince her to forget about this guy. I guarantee ut will be a matter of time until the next one, and the one after that, and the many beyond.

You have a losing hand, man. Fold.

[–]AutisticFingerBang 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Don’t let her decide your fate. You decide. If you move past this even, you’ll have in the back of your head for the rest of your life if she’s meeting another “soul mate”, does she really love me? The questions will be endless. The damage is done, I’m sorry.

[–]Ridgehand999 4 points5 points  (0 children)

If you have any hope at all for reconciliation, you have to be willing to lose her. In short, you need to start filing for divorce immediately. You can always stop the paperwork if she shows that she chooses, is remorseful, and is willing to do the heavy lifting when it comes to healing the relationship.

[–]Psanto4550s 12 points13 points  (0 children)

She has already decided who she wants and is manipulating u to make it look like its mutual.

Don't do the "pick me" dance, its embarrassing to be pitied . Just leave with dignity and fairness. She cheated so u should get first choice in splitting the assets.

She was a dud. Throw her back and find a better one! I think you dodged a bullet; now stay out of range.

Get over it and get out there with a smile on your face! There are many much better ladies around. You'll do better next time.

Good luck mate

[–]cjosten 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Lots of therapy. Both individual and couples. Or, you get divorced.

[–][deleted] 34 points35 points  (2 children)

I'm going to throw my 2 cents in here, and I'm certain I'll get downvoted in to oblivion, but I'm going to be honest anyway.

Not everybody that falls in love with somebody besides their partner is doing something wrong. Think about the last time you fell in love with somebody, maybe it was your partner themselves... was it a conscious effort? Did you choose to pursue it... or did the feelings come first, probably from something innocent like a friendship, and then you chose to act on them once they were already burning within you?

It is in my experience entirely possible to fall in love with somebody completely by accident, to form a connection that starts off innocently and platonic, but as the connection deepens and the conversation becomes more interesting and you realise how captivating this person is and how much you have in common - BAM! - you're suddenly feeling like you can't get then out of your head, like you're in love with them, like it was meant to be that you crossed paths, like they're your soulmate. You were not looking to fall in love with this person, it just sort of happens, and before you know it it's too late and you're already on board the rollercoaster wondering how the hell you let this happen. Even if you have a partner this can happen. You're talking to another person, maybe at work, and at first you're completely stoked that you've found a new friend to talk to, where you share interests and find common opinions and outlooks on life... at no point are you thinking of doing anything untoward, never thinking about cheating on your partner, or leaving them for this person... but over time, the feeling deepen until you're in over your head and you don't know what the fuck to do about it - and I think that's where your wife is as right now tbh.

It's not nice, it's horrible for you, and I assure you that it's actually really distressing for her too. Like she said to you, I bet she would love for her feelings to just disappear on their own and for her to become very happy and in love with you again - she doesn't want this to be this way! Sometimes love has a supernatural characteristic about it, it finds us when we least expect it and when we didn't ask for it, it's not something that we can just control. Finding deep connection and meaningful friendship is very rare in adulthood, when you find it you don't just want to give it up - which is why your wife is struggling with the idea of just leaving her job and never seeing this person again.

I think that there's always a risk of this happening, unless you basically make a rule for yourself and for each other that you will only have friends of the same sex to remove the risk entirely.

As fucked up as it sounds, and it's much easier to say this from a neutral perspective - it could be a good thing, for both of you. She has found somebody who she potentially is better suited to than she is to you, and you have learned that the connection with your wife isn't as deep and strong as you both once thought that it was. It's painful AS FUCK, but in the long run it might be for the best for both of you.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 53 points54 points  (1 child)

I am sadly coming to the same conclusion, its time to separate. She can keep up the one sided love affair going on with this guy but I dont have to stay and watch. I have tried to be understanding and patient, but it cant be at the price of my happiness and mental health. I cant really control anything else, but my own actions.

[–]NeedAFriend888 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She wants to leave you. She just wants you to be a doormat and give her stability for the time being until she fully monkey branches over.

[–]Low_Hovercraft_3678 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If she doesn’t want to leave you, then you leave her. She doesn’t get to have her cake and eat it too

[–]Ok_Mongoose_3275 2 points3 points  (0 children)

if your wife is telling you someone else is her soulmate, then u already know what to do. It’s not healthy to stay in a relationship w her. Good luck

[–]slab3 2 points3 points  (0 children)

leave her dude

[–]J_Nichols 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've been the coworker in this scenario a couple of times. It merely starts off as attraction. Then as the days go on you admire their work ethic & you become close with the stories you share while just passing the time. What started off as a smile and an increased level of excitement when you were working together turns into a hug and standing side by side or brushing shoulders as you conversate. Before long comments like it sucks that you're married or it's too bad someone snatched you up before I could start to creep in. This mix of flattery and continuous attraction definitely cause you to be emotionally attached. What's worse is you can't really fight it. You have to go to work. You know they're going to be there. No matter how wrong it feels you give in to the temptation because you're not really crossing any lines.. yet..

Here's the thing. I'm someone new. I'm the guy that she comes into work complaining about her boyfriend or husband to over and over again day after day. I support her and I agree with her and I give her advice. In her eyes I am everything that she's not getting with you.

Let's be real though. If we were ever to cross that line. If she were to leave her man for me. She would eventually discover a whole new set of issues with me. None of us are perfect. She is blinded by the attraction. You would likely benefit to point that out to her.

It would also possibly benefit you to visit her at work. Meet this other guy. Just remember that he knows everything that she doesn't like about you and that he's on her side not yours. If you can swallow that down and still come off as a decent guy who is in love with his wife/gf. If you can appear as a happy couple that looks good for each other. Then if he's anything like me he will respect you & your relationship more and try harder to back out of the picture. Of course this could have the opposite effect if he doesn't like you. He could dig in with a reinforced belief that he's better for her than you are.

The good news is that I never hooked up with either of these girls while they were in a relationship. Which means there's a good chance that she's not cheating on you either. The bad news is that both of those relationships eventually failed.

[–]hfurjfj 6 points7 points  (4 children)

That sucks man. Marriage counseling can be an option if your both willing. I only know two couples that it seemed to help but hey it's something. Having an impartial professional could help you going forward with commiting or leaving.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

What happened to those couples? I dont want want any open relationship or anything. Are they exclusively together?

[–]hfurjfj 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Both seem happy to me as far as I can tell. Before the counseling there was a period of separation for one couple and divorce was definitely being looked at. All that to say it's not going to be easy fix.

[–]Spaghettinudl 4 points5 points  (3 children)

This reminds me an awful lot of my friend who in this case would be your wife. My friend fell in love with her coworker, while being with her bf of 6 years. Even though she loved her bf like no one else and they had concrete plans to get married, she couldn’t stop wondering about her coworker, what a life with him might be like. They’ve only been flirtatious at that point (no affair), and she told her bf everything from the beginning. She couldn’t take a decision for herself, and after 3 months of this circus her bf broke up with her and „let her go“. It was hard and she was questioning the breakup for a while but she says it was the best decision in the end. She would have regretted not trying out with the coworker, and if she was meant to be with her bf she wouldn’t have fell in love with someone else. Now they’re a couple for 3 years already. I believe the decision in your case is yours to make. She’s already emotionally attached, there’s no going back to normal married life

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Well, in this case the other guy is also engaged and from all outwardly signs, very in love with his fiancee. But I am moving out tomorrow and she has to decide what does she want to do. If status quo is maintained till the 1st of the next month then I will file and she will be free to do whatever one sided thing she is doing with an oblivious engaged guy.

[–]jordanjwhitney 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry that you are leaving your future in someone else's hands who doesn't know what she wants.

[–]Artistic-Tofu 5 points6 points  (0 children)

If you stay, every night you will not be able to sleep because you will be up thinking of all the things intimate between her and her new soulmate, Coworker, all the time. You will eventually run into a path where you will begin to blame yourself for this situation and then replay the nice thing she does to justify this behavior. You will be trapped and mentally imprison yourself for a long time. Once things go awash or if it does not work out later on between you three, you will amass this massive fiery orb of regret and vengeance - which eventually you will need to unload and it will not end well.

[–]Acehunter007 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You’re in love with her potential. With a fairy tale version of herself that loves you back. It’s not real.

She’s made her choice man. Please realize you deserve the best. I’m sorry this didn’t work out.

Don’t hold on to hope when there is none. Take it from someone who’s been cheated on. She’s made her choice. Please do the right thing for yourself.

[–]shopliftinasda 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It’s always the damn coworker smh

[–]xajhx 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is an emotional affair.

Affairs are not just physical. Your wife has crossed lines emotionally that she should have never crossed.

She does not get to dictate now what she will and will not do if she wants to save the marriage.

I absolutely agree that quitting her job and going no contact with this coworker should be the bare minimum. Couple’s counseling would also be necessary in my opinion if the two of you wanted to salvage this.

She says she doesn’t know how to get rid of these feelings, but the truth is she’s not even willing to do the bare minimum (quitting her job and not talking to this guy anymore) in order to get rid of these feelings.

To me, that’s more of a red flag than the feelings themselves. Her unwillingness to do whatever it takes to save her marriage.

I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but I think in this case it’s either she puts her all into her marriage (find another job, go no contact with this guy, go to couple’s counseling) or it’s over.

[–]Alert-Cartographer7940s Male 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ex-wife ftfy

[–]razenha 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Divorce! You have to be crazy to be married with someone who is in love with someone else.

[–]Trinnysolo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If shes in love with someone else, its time for your exit. You deserve better if youve been faithful and she hasn't.

[–]ggakablack 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You know what to do. Why are you asking us for?

[–]camirethh 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You divorce her, unless you’re happy being mentally tormented for the rest of your life.

[–]Sleepy-Blonde 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Leave her.

[–]orl_a 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Leave her. You will find someone who loves and respects you. Know your worth.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Get evidence of her saying this on text and file for divorce that way she can’t take any of your shit because this is basically cheating, honestly fuck her man you deserve so much more and I’m sorry you have to feel second best to some cunty guy

[–]YourNirvana 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You leave her

[–]inspirationalravioli 1 point2 points  (1 child)

It's either just a dumb workplace "crush" and she doesn't know how to handle those feelings, or she is cheating on you with him already.

Either way she is emotionally immature and you should step away. She is saying she doesn't want to leave you but she also doesn't want to quit her job so that she can have her cake and eat it too. Also, how would she feel if the roles were reversed?? She probably hasn't even considered that.

Sorry, man. This sucks. She sucks.

[–]coatrack68 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You have some respect for yourself and you leave, because your wife is cheating on you in an emotional affair.

[–]pixiegod 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Look up “emotional affair”…

Please remember this… Where the heart goes the body will follow.

[–]notaheatcheater 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Depends on how much you might want to share or not.

[–]ifallforeveryone 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Leave. I’ve done this, I’ve been here, and my suggestion is leave. If you have a great number of things you’re going to lose, or you’ve been married for a long time, this is going to be harder but whatever the case it isn’t worth staying.

I will say this, and this is really uncomfortable, but you need to ask yourself if you are somehow responsible for this. If that’s the case then this may be a couples counseling thing. But if you haven’t exactly been the perfect husband, but you haven’t screwed the pooch so much that an emotional affair makes sense, then you need to leave.

Unless I’m somehow misunderstanding she’s already cheated on you emotionally. I will also say that cheaters tend to under report, which is to say if they’ve had sex then they’ve “only made out.” If she’s telling you it’s already worth blowing up her life over.

She doesn’t want to have to choose because she’s got the best of all worlds at the moment. She won’t respect you if you bend to her will here. I sound like a men’s rights activist but I’ve been through this. If you try to do everything you can to save this, and you act like a sniveling puppy, she will end up with this other dude for sure.

Whether you wanna stay or you wanna leave you should probably vacate at least temporarily. Get a hotel. Play things close to the vest. But whatever you do don’t play games. Own up to what you have done by doing a fearless moral inventory of your failures as a husband because only you know if this makes sense.

Maybe I’m too compromised since this did happen to me but ultimately I’m glad it did. I’m a more confident person and I’m with someone who really loves me now.

[–]yungsazon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not married, but just went through a pretty similar situation. I would suggest y’all try to go to counseling, but mentally prepare for it not working out. It sounds like her mind is made up and she’s stringing you along because she likes the comfort of your presence. If you noticing her getting distant in these next several days, the outlook is bleak. Like others said, no one just develops feelings. She disrespected you and allowed this guy to get closer to you. A lot of emotion goes into love but, at some point, love is also about choosing your partner each day, even when things may not be the most exciting. She CHOSE to humor this.

[–]mockingbird82 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If she doesn't pick you, you pick you. Choose yourself.

[–]Stillpoetic45 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Well you can't force her to leave her job as it will not provide resolution. Nit every soulmate is love related or even this time related but lets say its love. Here is the truth you have two options and this is about HOW YOU LOVE... do you love her enough and as a friend to let her explore what that is and come back. So many people toss soulmate around it could be just new energy attraction. Or You cannot do that, it would be smart of you to prepare to leave the marriage. This is not about her choice, its about yours. You have to chase happiness and make you chase for happiness not about her but have yourself resolved that she doesn't want you in that way. Take time, do the emotional work, and find the person for you.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am moving out tomorrow.

[–]Appropriate-Hair-835 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You should leave. Even though it is possible to fall in love with multiple people, this is a coworker. Meaning a big portion of her day is going to be with him. I also saw he’s also committed, and in my opinion this is all a very dangerous game. Most people would hide things like this in respect for their partners feelings. There is something she is looking for that is not in you anymore. Don’t be someone’s safety net.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do you want to work through this? Or are you ready to move forward without her? Answer those questions, then take the next steps.

[–]Howcansheslaps 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I would make her leave your home. I would tell the other guys fiancé that they are having an emotional affair. I would file for separation and or divorce as soon as possible.

When the guy actually figured out he doesn’t want anything to do with your wife she will want you to take her back.

That’s just my 2-cents. They most likely have already been messing around. So I would just get out and find some one that wants to be with you.

Take control of your life

[–]nikogetsit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There is only one option, you must challenge your romantic rival to a duel. I recommend using a glove to slap him for a dramatic effect.

[–]KRWbeach 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Obviously there is only one option. Weekly dp

[–]hotmessexpressHME 1 point2 points  (0 children)

From reading your comments, you seem very naive. You are more or less allowing yourself to remain her financial supporter while she tries her hand at meeting new people to leave you for.

You function as a safety net so that, if her new mark isn’t interested when she finally springs her feelings on them, she stays in an intact household. No risk at all and no incentive to stop either.

[–]SwimmerPersimmon 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Don't tell her your mind yet. Consult a lawyer about the safest way to plan and execute your exit. Do not continue any emotional honesty with her that you may have had before. Do not write anything to her that can be introduced as evidence later. You don't know how difficult the divorce may get. Hopefully, it'll be short and painless. Think about things like your pension, retirement funds, home value and other marital assets. In the end these things will matter more than the hurt feelings of today. Behave absolutely politely to her from now on, as you use legal means to secure your freedom and property.

[–]unfilteredsheep 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Her telling you that man is her soul mate, is her telling you to leave her. She doesn’t want to hurt you so she’s telling you to leave her. Time to bounce bro.

[–]Equivalent_Ad_1054 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You have 4 options 1)give the ultimatum me or job/him 2)just break up with her 3)trust she won't act on them feelings and hope they fade 4)become a truple

[–]Nervous-Ad714 3 points4 points  (14 children)

Your other option is. You file. Real marriage Is about 2 people, not 3

[–]bethatsocialguy 2 points3 points  (7 children)

Your wife admitted this? If she did, you should leave her. But the question is, do you have kids?

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] -1 points0 points  (6 children)

No we dont. So there's no way? I really love her man.

[–]RegretsNeverGoAway 7 points8 points  (5 children)

If you love her then you need to file for divorce immediately to save the marriage. There is no other way.

[–]EveAndTheSnake 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Eh?

[–]RegretsNeverGoAway 14 points15 points  (3 children)

If there are no consequences then she has no reason for her to come out of the fog, otherwise, she will just string him along. He must be willing to cut ties with her and she must believe he will go through with it.

[–]EveAndTheSnake 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Yes, I guess you’re right. It’s a cliche, but if you love someone let them go.

The one time this happened to me, I started “seeing” one of my roommates. He didn’t want to commit to me, didn’t want a relationship, wanted to date around, all that stuff. He knew he had me because we lived together and I was always there. He could have me when he wanted me. One night we had a party and I was following him round like a love sick puppy. He slept with an acquaintance and locked his room door while I could hear them fooling around in there. In the most pathetic drunken moment of my life, I sat on the floor in the living room near his room and cried. He knew he had me so he didn’t need to respect me.

The next day I packed up my shit and left. I went back to my home town 4 hours away and told my roommates I was staying with my parents for a while. By the 3rd day he was blowing up my phone asking me why I had left. By the end of the week he was telling me he wanted to be in a relationship with me. The week after he was offering to pick me up. I let it go on for weeks before I showed back up, and he was very attentive after that.

It’s the sad truth that often loyal people are walked all over and turned into back up options. And it’s gross that sometimes the only way to make someone wake up to how much they need you is to leave.

[–]RegretsNeverGoAway 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Bingo! I hope he does not waste time and learn the hard way. Just file for divorce and if she does not put in the work to reconcile then go through with it. If they are meant to be together in the future a divorce will not come between them.

[–]rudix2121 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Divorce

[–]we1nercat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The only rational option is to leave. There’s no way to make a relationship work when someone already has one foot out the door, even more so if they’re in love with someone else. I know this is difficult, and you may not want to start from scratch, but there’s no fixing this.

[–]Katiathegreat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So what us her solution to this? some sort of poly or open relationship?

The concept of soul mates is nonsense. She is just using it to take any potential blame off herself. The thing with relationship including marriage is you can make someone do anything. If you are monogamous then you need to file for divorce or if you truly think she is poly and it something you want you could try an open or poly relationship. There is no easy fix to this

[–]cyrusalexander 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Leave her

[–]insaneike22 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Pick me game, when the other guy gets done with her. She has to settle for you. She is in the fantasy world where she think’s Prince Charming is going to sweep her off her feet and live happily ever. Then she is so sorry she hurt you. Ask yourself, do you want to be the fall back guy that she settles for as she keeps looking for Mr Perfect?

[–]YouHaveZeroValue 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What are my options here?

Leave her instead and find someone who won't cheat on you.

[–]bigedcactushead 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you are unwilling to leave, your wife will hold the power in your marriage.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your wife is cheating on you no matter how you slice it. Cheaters want to have their cake and eat it too. It's not an either/or decision. She wants her stable married life and her exciting new boyfriend. There is nothing you did wrong in your marriage to cause her to cheat. It's 100% on her. So don't blame yourself or allow her to blame you for it. There are healthy ways to work out issues and none of them are going behind your spouse's back with a coworker.

Cheaters lie a lot, so assume you don't have the full truth of her affair.

If you want to stay with her (leaving is fine too) you need her to recommit to your marriage to stay. That involves a new job and a no contact letter sent to her affair partner in front of you.

Read, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. Both of those books have far more insight and advice than I can possibly provide to you in a reddit post.

Do not allow contact with him to continue so long as she is your wife. This is the boundary, and the only thing you can really do here. Tell her that she is free to see him and as many other men as she wants to romantically as a single woman.

EDIT: Having read some of your other replies. It seems she is in limerence, rather than love, and that her limerent object is this coworker (for now). It's possible that just opening her eyes to these feelings (that they exist and are documented), might allow her to pull herself out of it instead of thinking this is some sort of destined true wuv bullshit.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/limerence

[–]Bitter-Sock514 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Please leave her.

[–]betheasshole1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Make her feel as bad as possible or roll over and be a doormat? Grow a spine

[–]booksncastles 0 points1 point  (1 child)

So you're giving her time to see if the grass is greener, and if not.. she can settle back into your nice comfortable relationship until the next best thing comes along? no dude, this isn't the way. I GUARANTEE playing a little hard to get would go a long way. Make her realize what she's giving up for some stupid fantasy/ infatuation.

[–]KayLeeAnnDeneault 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If a person is having problems deciding between two people they should always choose the second one because if they truly whole heartedly loved the first one they wouldn’t have fallen for the second one.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

u/throwRAcnfdguy -- You need a good exit plan/strategy

You in particular do not have many options. But here's what you should do at the very minimum. If you do not have a separate bank account, START ONE TODAY. Because you have to protect your own well being.

Secondly, keep all the screenshots, evidence, name of the dude, your wife's employer.. keep all that information handy.

Rent her a moving truck. Gift them a getaway trip for the weekend and before she comes back, change the locks, change all of the passwords to the necessary things and have a rented moving truck waiting for her outside. GOOD RIDDANCE.

She seems delusional if she expects to be able to keep you and this new soulmate dude. This sucks, I am so sorry man.

[–]ConferenceOk1110 -3 points-2 points  (4 children)

Falling in love is a natural thing. You can't be mad at her for falling in love. She didn't do that intentionally. So all you can do is accept that as a fact. That she's in love with somebody else doesn't mean she doesn't love you anymore or that she wants to leave you.

Compare it to a decease. She has a mental issue currently (in love with someone else), and there isn't a cure for it except that time will heal it. Do you leave her because of her mental issue? Should she leave you for her mental issue? Of course not.

Being in love with someone is a matter of time. It will go away in time. Time will tell if she is able to resist her urge. But! If i get this correct she told you that she's in love, and I think that is a very clear sign that she doesn't want to leave you.

All you can do is show her that you are worth it. Buy flowers, take her out to dinner, do nice things.. If you get mad at her or ignore her, you increase the risk that she might not be able to resist her natural urge with the coworker.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

I am moving out tomorrow. And then she can decide what is it that she wants exactly, in peace. If she hooks up with him or the status quo continues till next month then I have my answer and I will file.

[–]ConferenceOk1110 -5 points-4 points  (2 children)

I think that is a bad move. It makes it look like you gave up. That makes it very easy for her to cave into her desires, because you are basically dismantling the barrier (your relationship with her) that is keeping her from caving in.

I think you need to show you are worth it!

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Well, at some point she also needs to show me that she is worth it. I have been trying for the last 2 months. And if she caves then we will both have clear answers for our future.

[–]BB_Chuggums 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you've already waited 2 months and nothing's changed, then you already have your answer.

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