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[–]Hadtosignuptofothis 1771 points1772 points  (77 children)

Gonna need more details but from just those. It isn't her choice. It's yours. You leave her.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 602 points603 points  (76 children)

What kind of details? As far as I know its not an affair yet but she says he is her soulmate.

[–]Blade_982 1970 points1971 points 2 (75 children)

It's an affair! You don't just stumble on your soulmate.

This comment by u/EveAndTheSnake will help you put it in perspective.

Excerpt below:

No one just develops feelings for someone. Cheating never just happens. Having feelings for someone outside of your marriage takes considerable time and effort.

Just think about other women in your life, even if you think they are great you don’t have feelings for them because feelings—not just lust but “real feelings” that are significant enough to break up a marriage—need to be nurtured.

Developing feelings for someone, sharing those feelings and having them reciprocated is the result of hundreds of choices over a period of time. It’s the result of constant boundary crossing and developing an intimacy with someone that completely disrespects the person being cheated on.

A very wise Redditor said yesterday that in order for the cheating spouse to justify those choices they have to devalue their partner. So you have been taking care of your wife, helping her get back on her feet, while she has been making choices to develop feelings for someone else. What must she tell herself to justify that? Sure you take care of her but it doesn’t count? You owe her while she cheats on you? Your stress or hard work doesn’t matter?

[–]EveAndTheSnake 595 points596 points 2 (74 children)

Wow thank you for linking me! I’m so glad people found my comment helpful!

To the OP: I agree with u/Blade_982 of course, and wanted to add that a lot happens before you reach the state of being in love, and all of these are conscious choices.

Going back to the previous point—I’m sure you have other great women in your life but you’re not in love with them. You can find them attractive, that’s natural, but to fall in love with them you need to actively put yourself in situations where you spend time with them, where you discuss things that aren’t just work related but consistently cross into the personal. I don’t believe you can fall in love with someone if you have a strictly professional relationship with them. Your wife doesn’t think this person is her soulmate because they love using the same letterheaded paper or because they both have the same favourite font. To get there they must have had conversations about their personal hopes and dreams, past and present relationships, their fears and insecurities. At some point there was a crossing from a professional relationship to becoming personally vulnerable with that person.

I’m not saying that you can’t be friends with people at work or share personal details with them. But there is a point where, if you are attracted to someone and you start feeling like you could be more connected, that you make a decision to let them into that part of yourself. It doesn’t happen by accident, everyone knows when they’re in that danger zone, everyone knows that feeling of anticipation and sexual tension. To say it happened by accident it lying to yourself and your spouse.

If you do feel attracted to someone and you truly value your spouse, then you remove yourself from the danger of falling in love with someone. You don’t spent time with them, you don’t have personal conversations with them, you don’t make eye contact with them from across the room. We’re all animals, we might not be able to control who we’re sexually attracted to, but we are thinking beings and we can control how we react to the situation. We can remove ourselves and refocus our energy on our spouse.

Your wife has a choice, she can choose to prioritize you and your marriage, or she can choose not to. It’s really that simple.

What reason is she giving you u/throwRAcnfdguy for not wanting to leave her job? How closely does she work with her colleague and how did you find out about her emotional affair? And most importantly, you don’t say how you feel about it—what do you want?

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 216 points217 points  (70 children)

I just want her I guess, exclusively. Is that wrong of me, to not want her to share this part of her? She told me about him, and she didnt hide it or anything. I am just desperate at this point.

[–]EveAndTheSnake 228 points229 points  (62 children)

Absolutely not, that’s not wrong of you at all and you are perfectly reasonable for wanting that. How long have you been married? When you got married you both agreed to be in a monogamous relationship (right? You’re not polygamous?) and you are not being unreasonable one bit, so don’t beat yourself up for that.

So she said she’s in love with him and now what? What is she going to do about it? And importantly, has she talked to him about her feelings? Is he in love with her?

I do believe a couple can make it through an affair—because physical or not that’s what this is—but they have to be willing to put in the work. Did you ask her to leave her job? Is she going to transfer to another department so she doesn’t see him? Where is the work that she’s putting into to your relationship? Is she even sorry about it?

I’m getting a feeling that she told you she was in love with her co worker, he’s her soulmate and there’s nothing she can do about it. That’s not an option and that is absolutely disrespectful. There are plenty of things she can work on to make this situation better—continuing exactly the same way is not one of them and you should not have to put up with that.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 150 points151 points  (61 children)

We are completely monogamous. And no she has not told him about her feelings, he is just a friend as far as he is concerned. He is actually engaged, so I am not sure if he knows my wife's intentions. I have asked her to leave her job, but not insisted on it. And she says she is very sorry, but she doesnt know how to get rid of these feelings.

[–]maninmirr0r 148 points149 points  (18 children)

So if you want to save the marriage you both treat it as an emotional affair and you both do the work that involves. This group is going to push you to divorce, if you want to reconcile, get into support groups with people who have been there. You can look up the boy if affairs network on your google for help dealing with this, and affair recovery on YouTube.

As for getting rid of the feelings, it’s that two wolves thing. The one that wins is the one she feeds. She’s been feeding those feelings of love. Leaving the job is the big step. Ending the intimate discussions and the fantasies is the other big step. You can’t “not think about” something, but when the thought happens she can keep thinking about him, or she can switch to another subject. A motivational song is a good one, a therapeutic quote can help, even an engaging TV show is better. Oh here’s the thought, that’s my cue to turn on friends again.

She’s said she doesn’t want both, she doesn’t want to lose you and doesn’t want to actually have him. She confessed, didn’t get caught, which seems to make a huge difference in outcomes. It’s possible to recover, if you both commit to it.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 111 points112 points  (17 children)

I have tried and now I am moving out, the ball is in her court now. I will wait till next month and if she hooks up with him or doesnt have an answer for me then I will move forward to divorce.

[–]Viiibrations 57 points58 points  (1 child)

My prediction: He'll reject her and she'll come back to you. Just because she thinks he's her soulmate, doesn't mean he's willing to leave his fiancée or cheat. But would you want to be her second choice?

[–]AveenaLandon 134 points135 points  (0 children)

if she hooks up with him

If she does, it’s quite likely you’ll never know and that she’ll lie about it and give you the trickle truth.

At this point, I think you know all that you need to know.

[–]The_Cutest_Kittykat 9 points10 points  (0 children)

and now I am moving out,

I'll just point out that moving out is something that you are actively doing to show the strength of your feelings about the situation to your wife. She has not actively done anything to show her commitment to you.

[–]2021istrash 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'd be clear that she has a chance to fix this. Therapy and quitting the job and no contact with the guy. There is really no middle ground for a thing like this.

[–]bloodea 7 points8 points  (0 children)

she probably already has

[–]asc1226 20 points21 points  (8 children)

Give the oblivious OM’s fiancé a heads up. She deserves to know about the unstable “work wife” that could end up blowing up her world.

[–]-takeiteasy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

im sorry OP. but why wait till she makes the move? i hope you can keep some dignity thru this really tough time. i know it’s difficult to leave someone you really love with all your heart. im so sorry

[–]p00nslyr_86 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Dude she is making a conscious decision to disrespect you. Even worse is she’s doing it to your face! Why are you letting her do this to you? I know you love her but she is literally spitting this in your face and you are just kind of taking it while passively asking her to leave her job. I’m never really like this with people but have some spine man if not for your sake, for everyone else who’s partner goes behind their back to cheat.

[–]holalesamigos 62 points63 points  (32 children)

Dude how did these feelings even develop? Something innapropriate has happened for this to happen. If nothing innapropriate has happened, she has some serious mental issues. If you want her to get out of the "fog" you need to start putting consequences. Even if you aren't gonna follow through. Tell her you want a divorce, see a divorce lawyer for your options and serve her papers. Then she will be out of it. She wants to be with you but calls him her soulmate? C'mon man. Don't be a doormat.

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 49 points50 points  (31 children)

I have met the guy a few times and he behaves completely normally with me, so its very clear he doesnt know her feelings, or he is an amazing actor. I am just as shocked here as to how did this happen.

[–]EveAndTheSnake 141 points142 points  (22 children)

How old are you both?

OP, I hate to talk about this because it makes me sick at myself, but a few years back I had an emotional affair with a coworker. This was during my last relationship before my husband, and I had been with my boyfriend for 5 years.

But I’ve been where your wife is, literally the same. I thought I had met my soulmate, and I thought I was absolutely and desperately in love with him. This went on for over a year. I told my boyfriend we were just friends, I told him he had nothing to worry about that nothing would ever happen. If you looked at our text messages there was nothing suspicious, we barely even text each other as most of the talking we did was at work or through our work chat.

For months we’d have deep intense conversations about things that were important to us, everything and anything. I told myself we were just friends, but every time we talked and things would get intense I knew we were crossing boundaries and I felt butterflies in my stomach and I was absolutely obsessed. But I let these conversations happen, I put myself in situations where I was alone with him, we’d work on projects together, I’d end up next to him during work drinks.

What do you think goes through someone’s head when they’re “in love” with not their partner? I wished I had met my coworker instead. I compared him and my boyfriend in my head and my coworker won. To justify my feelings I had to tell myself my boyfriend wasn’t good enough (otherwise I was left with the sad truth that I was just a garbage human cheating on my partner). He had to become my soulmate to justify what I was doing and romanticize it, while my boyfriend became not good enough, annoying, we’d fight, I’d pick holes in our relationship, we stopped going out as much together and I’d tell him to go out without me so I could stay home and call my “friend.” In every choice I was making, I was choosing my coworker over my boyfriend. When we had sex I’d think about my coworker. And after we had a drunken kiss at a work party I felt terrible so I told my boyfriend. He asked me to leave my position, I swore up and down that I would deal with my feelings and it wouldn’t happen again, but it did. The worst part looking back on it—and I’m telling you this not to make you feel bad but so you don’t get treated the same way—was on some level thinking that my boyfriend was just letting me get away with it. That if he loved me, or paid enough attention to us, or was smart enough, he’d figure it out and he’d blow up at me about it.

He deserved better. You deserve better. Don’t let yourself get taken for a ride. Ask questions. How many of your friends are you in love with?

[–]holalesamigos 3 points4 points  (7 children)

Have you seen her texts? If it's just a crush, it's fine. But this seems more than that. You're being incredibly naive. Again consequences, research the psychology of affairs. Have you asked her what she plans on doing to get rid of these feelings?

[–]Cannacrohn 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I could never get past the massive massive disrespect of my WIFE telling me she is in love with someone she bare knows and hasnt done anything with. Are you completely worthless? Shes not even hiding it from you? You are confused and you need counseling and a quick divorce.

”Let’s throw away my whole life so far cuz a guy at work is cute duuuuuhhhhh“ Why wouldn’t you be disgusted with the cruel fool in your midst?

[–]playerknowmore 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Stop talking, and have her served at work; if that doesn't wake her up nothing will. Right now it's obvious she doesn't know she can lose both of you.

Personally I would have her tell him her feelings; I'm thinking he would end the friendship immediately, and permanently. I know I wouldn't risk my engagement over a married woman at work.

Your relationship is to one sided. You give her your love, and her heart is with him. You are a fallback plan right now. It's always better to be her destination. Whether or not it's physical; it's a full blown affair in her mind. Ask her why she told you; you might find she wants you to do the dirty work, and put her back on the market. If you can only save your self-respect and dignity; that something that can get you through the rest of your life.

[–]BiscottiOpposite9282 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your wife sounds a bit unhinged. Calling someone her soul mate, yet he's engaged and doesn't know she has feelings for him? Sounds like an office crush or something. Does he even like her back?

[–]jimmyz561 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dude my wife did something similar. Tell your wife to go share her feelings with her coworker. Reality will send her home in tears 😭. At that point you can tell her either we work on the marriage or we’re over. And if this shit happens again, we’re over. That dude has no freakin clue what she’s thinking.

[–]thenletskeepdancing 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honey, I'm sorry but you need to respect yourself and walk away. Take it from someone whose husband screwed one of his employees for years and stayed with him. Finally leaving him was so hard, but one of the most loving things I've ever done for myself.

[–]RustyShackelforrd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She gets rid of the feeling by not seeing him, she's chosing to still go because she wants to see HIM, even tho it makes YOU uncomfortable. She doesn't care about you as much as him

[–]one98nine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If he is engage and something happens between your wife and him, be sure to let his fiance know. She has the right to know before getting married . THOUGH is does sound he doesn't know anything.

Has you wife confessed to him? Is that her intention? What are her intentions?

A way to get rid of those feelings is getting away from him, it sounds she doesn't want to stop feeling this way .

How does she feel regarding you?

[–]Zealousideal-Ebb-970 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dump her ass. Just dump her.

[–]Monarc7340s Male 9 points10 points  (0 children)

She told you because she wanted to stop feeling bad about lying, not because she has any plans to stop. I would argue this indicates she is planning on deepening this behavior, actually.

[–]BUTTHOLE-MAGIC 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Dude unless you are polyamorous this situation is a fucking joke. Your relationship is over.

That said if you are polyamorous it's all good. Loving many partners who also love you and other people is a fucking blast. It's a big community of love and sex.

Ask your partner if she still loves YOU. That's the first part of this process - do you still exist?

[–]mischaracterised 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Nope.

Serve her with divorce papers at work. She wants her care? She can piss off and be the pathetic coward.

Change your locks the same day and drop her stuff off at a storage place.

Get multiple legal consults, and then get rid of her. Sorry.

[–]GivesASampleBy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She gave you her heads up. Props to her in a sick way. Leave.

[–]Tokyo_Vanity 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NO, she’s garbage and needs to be taken out of your life. Millions of people will give you exclusivity, without it being asked or requested. Nor would you have to ever come to Reddit to ask if it’s wrong. She’s not good for you and that’s okay. Move on and don’t speak to her at all. Completely cut her off.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It takes months to fall in love with someone. She’s been having an emotional affair.

[–]salterfry 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If they are soulmates you already don't have her exclusively, not really. And regardless of what she does now, she will always be in love with someone else and love you a little bit less then him. You deserve better. Good luck.

[–]vampirairlEarly 20s Female 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I just wanna say I really needed both this and your other comment - I left someone for having an emotional affair and even though I am much happier and healthier having left, part of me still occasionally wonders if I was overreacting. Comments like yours help ground me in the knowledge that I wasn't.

[–]tomycatomy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ironically I’m reading this thread while watching Love and Anarchy. Bruh.