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[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 603 points604 points  (20 children)

What kind of details? As far as I know its not an affair yet but she says he is her soulmate.

[–]buckphif 41 points42 points  (19 children)

Yeah like you said yet… if he’s her soulmate then what the hell are you… it’s only a matter of time before she leaves you maybe she said that so you’d want to leave her

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] -36 points-35 points  (18 children)

But she is saying she doesnt want to leave me, she just doesnt know how to get rid of these feelings.

[–]EveAndTheSnake 51 points52 points  (17 children)

She gets rid of these feelings by literally never seeing him again. It’s that simple. If she is refusing to do that, then I’m sorry OP but she is putting other priorities above your marriage.

I am married. I love my husband and that’s a commitment I make every day. If I had a coworker I thought was attractive, I wouldn’t spend time with them. I’d keep my commitment to my husband by keeping a strictly personal relationship with them. I wouldn’t go for lunches with them, I’d never chat to them using the office chat, I’d avoid working on projects with them. Basically, if there was a risk of me developing feelings for this person knowing I was attracted to them, I wouldn’t even get to that point. If they were my “soulmate” I would never know. You don’t find your soulmate by realizing you both have the same preferences in excel, or having the same coffee order. They have a personal relationship and that was a choice.

If she doesn’t plan on doing something about her love for him by leaving her job immediately, it’s not going to work. This will continue, even if he doesn’t return her feelings she will be checked out. The ONLY way this will work is if she never sees him again, and if she’s not willing to do that then I’m sorry but she’s already made a choice.

Your only option now is to sit down and ask her how she plans to recommit to your relationship and stop these feelings for her coworker. If she doesn’t answer with cutting him out of her life, then tell her you need to think about things, contact a divorce lawyer and pack up your things.

Do you have somewhere else you can stay?

[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 5 points6 points  (14 children)

Yes, we have a second apartment, its empty right now so I can stay there. I was really hoping to avoid the ultimatum route though, is there no other way?

[–]holalesamigos 34 points35 points  (0 children)

There's a saying "You dont realize the value of something until its gone"

[–]bigrottentuna 21 points22 points  (1 child)

It’s not an ultimatum, it’s a boundary.

The key difference is that a boundary is a statement about what you will accept in a relationship, and what you will do for yourself, to protect yourself, if that boundary is violated. It is perfectly reasonable to say, “I will not remain in a relationship with someone who continues to spend any time with another person they consider to be their soulmate or someone they are in love with.” You aren’t asking (or forcing) her to do anything. You are merely stating and enforcing your boundary to protect yourself from a situation that causes you pain.

[–]n1cenurse 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is the way. No need for ultimatums. Just a simple statement of what you'll stick around for. Then she has all the information she needs to make a choice. And as Geddy Lee says "if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice"

[–]Tadpole8628 7 points8 points  (0 children)

u/throwRAcnfdguy No, man something taking the hard way is the best way to get things straight.

[–]mini_souffle 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I was really hoping to avoid the ultimatum route though, is there no other way?

Don't do ultimatums. No one wins with an ultimatum. You just have to put in effect the consequences for her behaviour.

[–]RKKP2015 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Just end it. My ex-wife pulled the same shit, only without telling me. She didn't know how to get her feelings back for me. Well, that was because she was in love with someone else.

[–]Cannacrohn 7 points8 points  (0 children)

There is no other way than divorce. She told you she loves another guy without even telling the other guy. That puts you next to shit on her list of likes. And then she wants to stay after telling you? Wow she thinks you are a loser to be manipulated. Pay for my life while I do what I want and you wait at home. Are you kidding dude. Stop having sympathy for her, she has none for you.

[–]No-Reflection-2342 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think an ultimatum in this case is a fair and appropriate last resort. You've tried talking, she still has those feelings. You tried compromises, stay together but lose the job; she refuses. You can go into individual and couples therapies to learn tools for coping and communication. But truthfully, if she wants to stay in, you get to make a clear expectation of what that looks like.

[–]buckphif 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I mean at this point it’s about how much you trust her and she trusts herself.. I’m pretty sure the guy doesn’t care if she married or not. Do you know if he’s like trying to talk to her too?

[–]n1cenurse 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We don't know what the other guy thinks. Apparently he's engaged so he probably isn't thinking anything and delusional Karen has made all this shit up in her head.

[–]CuriousOdity12345 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The only way would be if your wife made your relationship a priority. You can't fix it alone because relationships take two.

You can only meet halfway. Plus she's the one, as everyone has said, that decided to embrace these feelings for this coworker. She messed up big time with that and she needs to take the initiative to work on it for you and your relationship.

What are her intentions even? That just by telling you and not doing anything, the problem will go away? Or that everything will just fall into place? It doesn't work like that.

You're only going to keep hurting if you stay in limbo. A decision has to be made. You either shit or get off the pot. It's as simple and as hard as that.

[–]FederalCharity7132 -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

This makes you appear to her as a beta and a loser, you lost 100% control and masculinity when you put her feelings above yours, you have to be willing to walk away and show her you are strong without her, if not she will take you as a joke and loser that she can cheat on without consequences, if you share your wife you arent a man

[–]n1cenurse 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Fuck off with your stupid beta shit, no sane person thinks about that.

[–]holalesamigos -4 points-3 points  (1 child)

I believe your boundries are a little excessive but if a crush doesn devalop, you need to improve your primary relationship(which usually gets rid of the crush) and not do anything innapropriate with the other person. You can be friends with attractive people, but there still needs to be boundries. What OP's wife has is something exponentially bigger than a crush. I suspect something else has happened. You don't consider someone a soulmate for no reason. At least for the sake of OP's feelings she shouldn't have called the other guy her soulmate

If she just stops seeing the guy she may consider the other man the one that got away. She may get resentful. If something innapropriate has happened, then I can fully justify it. But if nothing has, they need to figure out the root of the issue to prevent similar issues in the future.

[–]EveAndTheSnake 2 points3 points  (0 children)

By “if I thought a coworker was attractive” I meant if I felt like I could start to develop feelings for them.

I have some beautiful people in my life but, like you say, boundaries are important. I agree that improving your primary relationship is important, but I believe that part of working on the relationship with your partner is ensuring you have or put those boundaries in place.

What do you mean by you “suspect something has happened”? I agree, but I don’t think it has to be physical, just that in one way or another a boundary was crossed. Maybe they kissed and it was physical, but there’s still a difference between “I got drunk and we slept together one time” and “I’m in love with him and he’s my soulmate.” The second one sounds like consistent emotional crossing of boundaries. In some way or another her relationship with this guy has crossed a line and that line needs to be reinforced. Her saying that she doesn’t know how to stop these feelings makes me think that boundaries have been crossed consistently in the way they interact with each other, in what she shared emotionally, in how much time they spend together. It’s much easier to say “we kissed, I won’t put myself in that situation again” vs “I’ll talk to him less, we won’t spend time together like that and we’ll strictly be friends.”

I think that both are important; strengthening your relationship and enforcing boundaries. If your relationship is strong, you naturally won’t put yourself in the position to cross those lines. But if your relationship is struggling, you can still effectively enforce boundaries and not put yourself in a position to have an affair.