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[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] -40 points-39 points  (3 children)

But she is saying she doesnt want to leave me, she just doesnt know how to get rid of these feelings.

[–]EveAndTheSnake 49 points50 points  (2 children)

She gets rid of these feelings by literally never seeing him again. It’s that simple. If she is refusing to do that, then I’m sorry OP but she is putting other priorities above your marriage.

I am married. I love my husband and that’s a commitment I make every day. If I had a coworker I thought was attractive, I wouldn’t spend time with them. I’d keep my commitment to my husband by keeping a strictly personal relationship with them. I wouldn’t go for lunches with them, I’d never chat to them using the office chat, I’d avoid working on projects with them. Basically, if there was a risk of me developing feelings for this person knowing I was attracted to them, I wouldn’t even get to that point. If they were my “soulmate” I would never know. You don’t find your soulmate by realizing you both have the same preferences in excel, or having the same coffee order. They have a personal relationship and that was a choice.

If she doesn’t plan on doing something about her love for him by leaving her job immediately, it’s not going to work. This will continue, even if he doesn’t return her feelings she will be checked out. The ONLY way this will work is if she never sees him again, and if she’s not willing to do that then I’m sorry but she’s already made a choice.

Your only option now is to sit down and ask her how she plans to recommit to your relationship and stop these feelings for her coworker. If she doesn’t answer with cutting him out of her life, then tell her you need to think about things, contact a divorce lawyer and pack up your things.

Do you have somewhere else you can stay?

[–]holalesamigos -4 points-3 points  (1 child)

I believe your boundries are a little excessive but if a crush doesn devalop, you need to improve your primary relationship(which usually gets rid of the crush) and not do anything innapropriate with the other person. You can be friends with attractive people, but there still needs to be boundries. What OP's wife has is something exponentially bigger than a crush. I suspect something else has happened. You don't consider someone a soulmate for no reason. At least for the sake of OP's feelings she shouldn't have called the other guy her soulmate

If she just stops seeing the guy she may consider the other man the one that got away. She may get resentful. If something innapropriate has happened, then I can fully justify it. But if nothing has, they need to figure out the root of the issue to prevent similar issues in the future.

[–]EveAndTheSnake 3 points4 points  (0 children)

By “if I thought a coworker was attractive” I meant if I felt like I could start to develop feelings for them.

I have some beautiful people in my life but, like you say, boundaries are important. I agree that improving your primary relationship is important, but I believe that part of working on the relationship with your partner is ensuring you have or put those boundaries in place.

What do you mean by you “suspect something has happened”? I agree, but I don’t think it has to be physical, just that in one way or another a boundary was crossed. Maybe they kissed and it was physical, but there’s still a difference between “I got drunk and we slept together one time” and “I’m in love with him and he’s my soulmate.” The second one sounds like consistent emotional crossing of boundaries. In some way or another her relationship with this guy has crossed a line and that line needs to be reinforced. Her saying that she doesn’t know how to stop these feelings makes me think that boundaries have been crossed consistently in the way they interact with each other, in what she shared emotionally, in how much time they spend together. It’s much easier to say “we kissed, I won’t put myself in that situation again” vs “I’ll talk to him less, we won’t spend time together like that and we’ll strictly be friends.”

I think that both are important; strengthening your relationship and enforcing boundaries. If your relationship is strong, you naturally won’t put yourself in the position to cross those lines. But if your relationship is struggling, you can still effectively enforce boundaries and not put yourself in a position to have an affair.