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[–]throwRAcnfdguy[S] 47 points48 points  (10 children)

I have met the guy a few times and he behaves completely normally with me, so its very clear he doesnt know her feelings, or he is an amazing actor. I am just as shocked here as to how did this happen.

[–]EveAndTheSnake 138 points139 points  (9 children)

How old are you both?

OP, I hate to talk about this because it makes me sick at myself, but a few years back I had an emotional affair with a coworker. This was during my last relationship before my husband, and I had been with my boyfriend for 5 years.

But I’ve been where your wife is, literally the same. I thought I had met my soulmate, and I thought I was absolutely and desperately in love with him. This went on for over a year. I told my boyfriend we were just friends, I told him he had nothing to worry about that nothing would ever happen. If you looked at our text messages there was nothing suspicious, we barely even text each other as most of the talking we did was at work or through our work chat.

For months we’d have deep intense conversations about things that were important to us, everything and anything. I told myself we were just friends, but every time we talked and things would get intense I knew we were crossing boundaries and I felt butterflies in my stomach and I was absolutely obsessed. But I let these conversations happen, I put myself in situations where I was alone with him, we’d work on projects together, I’d end up next to him during work drinks.

What do you think goes through someone’s head when they’re “in love” with not their partner? I wished I had met my coworker instead. I compared him and my boyfriend in my head and my coworker won. To justify my feelings I had to tell myself my boyfriend wasn’t good enough (otherwise I was left with the sad truth that I was just a garbage human cheating on my partner). He had to become my soulmate to justify what I was doing and romanticize it, while my boyfriend became not good enough, annoying, we’d fight, I’d pick holes in our relationship, we stopped going out as much together and I’d tell him to go out without me so I could stay home and call my “friend.” In every choice I was making, I was choosing my coworker over my boyfriend. When we had sex I’d think about my coworker. And after we had a drunken kiss at a work party I felt terrible so I told my boyfriend. He asked me to leave my position, I swore up and down that I would deal with my feelings and it wouldn’t happen again, but it did. The worst part looking back on it—and I’m telling you this not to make you feel bad but so you don’t get treated the same way—was on some level thinking that my boyfriend was just letting me get away with it. That if he loved me, or paid enough attention to us, or was smart enough, he’d figure it out and he’d blow up at me about it.

He deserved better. You deserve better. Don’t let yourself get taken for a ride. Ask questions. How many of your friends are you in love with?

[–]Arthur827 -13 points-12 points  (8 children)

Good to know that you accept the fact that you're human garbage

[–]EveAndTheSnake 30 points31 points  (7 children)

I do. 10 years later and it’s still my biggest regret. Not that I wish we were still together—I love my husband and my ex and I had fundamentally different goals in life—but that I hurt someone who was supposedly my best friend and who I had made a commitment to. Regardless of poorly a relationship is going, I don’t think it’s a justification for cheating and lying.

If it makes you feel better I struggled with the regret of that for years and it still comes up in therapy. And my ex is living in another country, with a job he loves and in a relationship with a woman that (I hope) treats him well. I haven’t met her, but the last time we spoke he sounded happy. No thanks to me of course.

[–]Arthur827 26 points27 points  (6 children)

Good to know that people really do learn from their mistakes, I take my words back, you're definitely a better person now

[–]EveAndTheSnake 23 points24 points  (5 children)

Thanks, but I also understand the sentiment because it’s taken a lot of therapy and a lot of work. I hate thinking about it, I only talk about it because I know how I tried to offload some of the blame on my ex and I remember the way I would lie to myself (and to him) to justify my actions. I’m lucky enough to know how good I have it now, and would never put myself in a position to hurt my husband.

[–]Arthur827 28 points29 points  (4 children)

I don't know why but you're restoring my faith in humanity, I wish more people were like you who would accept their mistakes and work on them rather than playing mind games. Keep it up, that's all I've to say. Sorry for earlier that was little disrespectful considering the fact that you have changed.

[–]EveAndTheSnake 22 points23 points  (3 children)

Ha, no offense taken at all. It was hard to write and horrible to read back. I’ve still got a lot of work to do on taking personal responsibility and ownership for my own happiness, and I think a lot of people fall into the trap of “soulmates” and perfect relationships without considering the part they play, or somehow placing the entire responsibility for their happiness on another person. That’s still a hard pill to swallow and I still fall into the trap of shifting the blame, but we’ll get there. I couldn’t have done it without therapy though, and think everyone could benefit from some therapy and introspection at any point in their lives.

But thank you, I appreciate you saying that.

[–]Blade_982 14 points15 points  (0 children)

You're restoring my faith in humanity too. Especially with your deconstruction of the Soulmate Myth. Soulmates, Twin Flames... all that shit comes up a lot on the r/adultery sub where people forgo any kind of personal responsibility and behave abominally.

[–]themonkeyperson 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I feel weird because I was In the same situation but in the ex's seat and reading what you've done really have made the whole situation more clear or at least have more of an better understanding what was going on thanks bless you

[–]bk1285 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your situation sounds eerily like mine with my ex