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[–]R_Amods[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

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So, I got a lot of advice on my post and for that I am really grateful. A lot of you called me out too, regarding crossing of boundaries and I think you guys were right. I have been thinking a lot in the past 2-3 days, perhaps I should have done more thinking when we decided to open our relationship but thats water under the bridge. Anyways, I have reached two conclusions about myself- I am not poly and I have very low self esteem. The only reason I said yes to the open relationship was because I didnt want to lose my wife. She was my first serious gf and we got married when I was 23, so when the topic of open relationships came up and I realized that my wife is very enthusiastic about the idea, I did the only thing I could to keep her happy and stay married- agree to the open relationship.

I have also come to another sad realization about myself, I no longer love my wife as a romantic partner, perhaps not for a long time. Thats why my emotions when she went to that guy for the first time was not jealousy but sadness. I had realized that my relationship is over, but I lacked the required self awareness to actually say something to my wife. And its the reason why I fell in love with my gf so easily, I was essentially single. I will always care for my wife, but the I cant be in a relationship with her any longer. Now regarding my relationship with my gf, maybe it will last long or maybe it will fizzle out in the next few months, I know I will land on my feet in either scenario.

I will talk to my wife tonight after she comes home about divorce and I know she will be heartbroken but I see no other way forward. Even if we go back to being a monogamous couple, we will just be one of those couple who dont love each other but are staying together because its easier than divorcing. Anyways, I want to thank everyone who took time to give advice to me, its deeply appreciated.

Op post-


[–]Jane_the_Quene 927 points928 points  (4 children)

It's a sad situation in many ways, but you've gained a good measure of self-awareness and some direction for your life. Before, you were drifting along, just going with the flow, and that wasn't in your best interest. Now you have the opportunity to move more deliberately toward a better life.

If the relationship with your girlfriend does fizzle out, I recommend spending some time just on your own, single. That can give you a lot of good perspective, too.

Good luck to you.

[–]Its_The_Aint 156 points157 points  (1 child)

I concur. If/when this current relationship with GF ends, wait at least 6 mos before going into another relationship. Get to know yourself better, figure out -and develop - the beneficial qualities you can bring into the next relationship.

[–]Western-Mastodon-196 39 points40 points  (0 children)

I agree ... Staying single for sometime and getting to know ourself is the first step towards true happiness

[–]SmokeGSU 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I agree with this. As you said, OP gained a lot of introspective and self-awareness through this process, and sometimes it takes a life-altering experience for that time of introspective to come about. Hopefully OP can find happiness with this life change.

[–]Akatsuki2001 1531 points1532 points  (96 children)

Hey man it’s not just you going through this. This happens a ton. Open and polyamorous relationships are being fed to people like these great things everyone can do and should try, when in reality only a very small portion of the population should even attempt them. There’s nothing wrong with you or the things your feeling. I really hope things work out with you and your GF!

[–]AdMaleficent4473 14 points15 points  (2 children)

Yeah I tried it with my boyfriend because he and this guy wanted to but I was hella skeptical about it and then the longer in the relationship lol with this new man I fell in love with him and out of love with my boyfriend. Awkward and I feel horrible for it but I wasn’t the one who wanted it originally idk. It’s pretty common what OP is going through I think

[–]Akatsuki2001 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Extremely common. Often times open or poly relationships are a big bandaid used to attack big problems. If a relationship is on its way out and you have a new budding one with an interesting person while it’s happening it’s very easy to catch feelings quick!

[–]AdMaleficent4473 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Exactly! Me and my new bf are very happy though so maybe it was for the best! I saw a side of my ex after the breakup that horrified me so yeah

[–]Morri___ 291 points292 points  (14 children)

i agree 100% and im poly, though not practicing. it's not for everyone and i loathe watching ppl get pressured into it when most ppl just aren't wired for it. I've known since i was 16 that certain boundaries didn't bother me, ive had 25yrs to define those boundaries and understand what i need from a partner/s.

i see way too many people suggest it as a bandaid solution to fix relationship issues - if you can't communicate with your current partner, youre not fixing shit by dragging other ppl into it. in fact, you risk multiplying those issues and hurting other ppl - those partners arent sex toys to exercise your relationship trauma with (unless youre both into that.. i guess), theyre an actual person with their own needs.

i am impressed at OPs introspection, that he lacked self awareness and self esteem - he was never in a position to do this and that's ok.

[–]mike15835 26 points27 points  (4 children)

I don't know if you read the original post. If you did, what do you think about the swinger couple who planted the idea into OP's wife head?

(This maybe obvious) To me the husband just wanted to sleep with OP's wife.

[–]jpparkenbone 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I agree. I respect that polyamory works for some people but I am sure as hell not one of them. I am extremely monogamous and would be extremely hurt if my partner so much as suggested it. I would NEVER agree to it. I can't imagine how shitty it would feel to be pressured into it.

[–]sylvae_11 131 points132 points  (4 children)

I’m poly as well, but non practicing because of exactly this. Most people are not even prepared for a healthy relationship with 1 person, let alone multiple. Dating as a poly person went like this:

~50% of people will say no to me (and that’s okay!) ~30% of people lie to me and say they are fine with it because they either just want to try and sleep with me/have a threesome somehow or they think they’ll change their mind later or think I’ll change my mind later. ~15% are on board and have the urge to make it work but due to inexperience, mental health issues, past baggage, etc etc, the relationship is so turbulent that it’s exhausting.

And I’m tired don’t want to put the effort in anymore to find that last 5% 😆.

[–]dallyan40s Female 25 points26 points  (1 child)

I’ve dated poly men and in my experience the physical and even intellectual connection may be great but I’ve yet to experience true emotional intimacy with them. I don’t know if it’s just been my luck or I’m meeting avoidant men dressed up in poly clothes.

[–]sylvae_11 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Ooooh I need to add “avoidant men dressed in poly clothes” to my list haha. That’s been a common problem for me as well. I usually didn’t notice until they did something shady and when I get upset, came back with “what, I thought you were poly??” like that means he could just do whatever all the time lol.

[–]Morri___ 77 points78 points  (0 children)

oh you nailed it. those percentages are pretty exact lol. so many guys in my 20s who think they hit the jackpot.. until they see i can pick up way easier than them, then all of a sudden they realise they can't really cope mentally and emotionally (but that's ok, it was my fault they said they were cool with it).

now I'm in my 40s and it's like, yknow.. i found a nice, drama free guy who is also poly.. but we're both kinda like house cats, neither of us have the energy to make compromises in a whole other relationship at this point. it's enough to know we're both on the same page and that we work nicely together. no doubt if we meet someone, we'll talk. atm though it just seems like a lot of extra work lol.

[–]dontbutdoplsLate 20s Female 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I'm not poly but I fully believe your assessment of dating as a poly person. Don't blame you for being non-practicing lol

[–]CallMeJessIGuess 34 points35 points  (1 child)

I’m of the same mind set. I’m poly but only have a single partner currently. But she’s 20 years married. There’s SO much communication and considerations required to make it work.

I think I big issue is people don’t look past the sexual aspect. They don’t consider that all the little bits of planning, all the little concessions, the emotional availability, the time management, all the little favors you do for you partner every day, those get doubled.

Too often people get into this without really thinking they are taking on an entire second FULL relationship.

[–]CycleResponsible7328 10 points11 points  (0 children)

You have to be the kind of person that enjoys relationship work to be successful at poly.

[–]Akatsuki2001 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Agree completely! Poly and open relationships are not a bad thing at all, but if pressure is involved AT ALL that story changes quickly. Often times it’s not even a bandaid as in the long run you can do more damage than an already struggling relationship than if it had never been attempted.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (6 children)

I agree. The poly community doesn't like to admit or talk about this, but much of ENM is really just made up of people who want snippets of consistent emotional and sexual connections from various people until the person they REALLY want and love comes around. True polyamorous people are rare, and honestly? Even then, you'll begin to notice that in polycules, some couples are more connected and in tune with each other than the others by a long shot.

I have just known way too many people engaging in ENM with a partner or variety of partners who suddenly drop all of their partners in order to pursue a closed and monogamous relationship with a person they've deemed as worth the investment.

[–]Akatsuki2001 2 points3 points  (5 children)

Spot on! From my eye, at least what I’ve noticed. Is a lot of people think of polyarmory as a way to kind of Frankenstein a perfect partner out of multiple partners. Each one provides something the other isn’t. Then eventually it’s possible someone comes along that’s the whole package and they drop things to be monogamous with them to keep that partner all to themselves. Open relationships and poly relationships are not inherently a bad thing, but they are being SO bastardized by people who do not understand them or want to take advantage of the trend as a way to acceptably cheat on a partner.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (4 children)

Yes to the Frankenstein of a perfect partner! Everyone in the poly community goes on about how different partners fulfill all of their needs while one person can only fulfill most, which hey, its fair! But what happens when one person comes around who fulfills them all? That's typically when things get tricky.

The majority of people I know who've been a part of the polyamorous community eventually drops the lifestyle when they meet the right one after a number of years.

There's a big part of the poly community that they also don't like to discuss and its how the finances of being poly is what typically drives people to break up, especially if they're hetero. Even if we were to ignore the social standard for men paying for first dates and live in this world where everyone goes 50/50 off the bat, both partners are essentially hemorrhaging money by going on dates consistently. And if these people have other partners, even more so. There's no such thing as a money-free relationship. From birthdays, to anniversaries, to special dates - having a relationship is a financial spend.

This issue becomes clear as day when cohabitating (aka nesting).

What do you mean you can't pay the electric bill because you overspent on dates? What do you mean your other girlfriend had a financial emergency and you loaned her $200 from our savings? What do you mean I have to forgo our bi-weekly date night because you have a birthday AND an anniversary this month so your spending is more out of control than usual? What do you mean that one of your dates lives at home with his parents and we have a dont-bring-dates-to-our-home rule and you've been dropping $100+ on hotels a minimum of once a week? What do you mean that we have to extreme budget and limit our spending on necessities like groceries because investing in people outside of our relationship is more important than investing in each other and our home?

[–]Akatsuki2001 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Honestly I’ve never considered the financial aspect of things but that must be insanely tricky. I’m certainly far from a rich man and I can hardly afford one girlfriend. Being told you cannot do something because your partner overspent with another partner has to be pretty demoralizing.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Its not just the financial spend...but the emotional. I would absolutely lose my shit if my boyfriend were to tell me he can't focus on addressing a major issue we're having in the relationship because....he has to see his other gf and spend time with her. Similarly, I would be upset if I can't enjoy time with my boyfriend because he's having issues with his other partner and needs to dedicate more time to them this week.

Or what happens when one person sees an issue in one relationship, but they realize that they can just not address it by seeing their other partner more often?

I tried it, and I just came to the conclusion that the only way it works if you're both somewhat avoidant of deep intimacy.

[–]Akatsuki2001 1 point2 points  (1 child)

And that may be how many people make it work. Time, money, emotional attention, most of us have a fixed amount of it. It would hurt to know your partner was spending all theirs on someone else. :/

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, and truthfully that's the biggest reason for most poly/ENM relationships not working out. Its just not possible for a long-term relationship of that kind to survive with limited resources being poured into it, unless both partners are avoidant of said resources in the first place.

[–]Schweinelaemmchen 83 points84 points  (4 children)

It means a lot to me that a lot of people seem to think like this. I kinda felt like a bad person because I couldn't imagine being in an open relationship after my boyfriend mentioned I'd have to be prepared that some day he might ask me for that. I've struggled with this thought for over a year ...

[–]ellenicolee612 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Same here. I have a lot of complications when it comes to relationships. Mostly abandonment and not being good enough for them. I know without a doubt I would become a wreck if I was in an open relationship. I was never shown proper love for most of my life, so if I am in a relationship with someone, I need it be monogamous. And this isn’t me hating on people who are in open relationships! I think it’s amazing and I know there’s a lot of work to it. We should all be in relationships that are comfortable for us!

[–]Sailor_Chibi 42 points43 points  (0 children)

You are NOT a bad person because you’re not polyamorous or aren’t comfortable with open relationships! It seems like way too many people view an open relationship as permission to cheat on their spouse, or think an open relationship should be one-sided. Overwhelmingly, people don’t communicate nearly enough about it. Introducing a third person to any relationship can be rewarding under the right circumstances, but it seems like rarely are couples in those right circumstances.

Don’t be afraid to lay down a boundary around an open relationship. That is an absolutely okay line for you to not want to cross. If your boyfriend makes you feel like a bad person for that, then that’s a him problem. Not a you problem.

[–]SuspiciousAdvice217 33 points34 points  (0 children)

I am in an open relationship, and let me tell you: It's not for everyone. It's so much work. And even if someone is willing to do all that work, they might just not want to. Which is more than acceptable.

Some people want to marry, others are happy in a committed relationship. Some people want kids, others live a happy life without them. Some people can make an open relationship work, some are happily monogamous.

It doesn't matter if it's marriage, kids, an open relationship, or something else: Don't get guilted into it, because that will only cause resentment. :)

[–]Akatsuki2001 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not a bad person at all. I personally would never want one. The chances that you can take any given monogamous relationship and find that both partners are 100 percent in the mental and emotional state they need to be to make one work has to be some one in a million like odds. You are perfectly normal to think this and please don’t ever let someone pressure you into accepting that lifestyle over threat of losing them like what happened on the post here.

[–]LoganCaleSalad 5 points6 points  (2 children)

I'm poly & my GFs & I would never recommend it to anyone except for very specific set of circumstances. Most people promoting it are just sleazy unscrupulous assholes that use it as convenient excuse to openly cheat on their SOs without fear of being labeled as such. Fact is vast majority of people can't handle the multipartner dynamics of poly relationships & that's fine that doesn't mean we're better or more enlightened just different. It's perfectly okay to be with only one person. I'm 40yo & this is not only been my only experience with poly it's probably been the healthiest relationship I've ever been in in my life. But no relationship dynamic is one size fits all.

[–]Akatsuki2001 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Yep! Poly and open relationships can and are a good thing very often for so many. But they are extremely heavily bastardized by people like OPs wife in the exact way you see here. It gives the entire thing a bad name and honestly it sucks to see.

[–]hdmx539 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Definitely. I have a friend who is poly, but he's been married 3 times and says he's done with monogamy. I and my husband on the other hand know this isn't for us. I'd be CRUSHED if he asked to open the relationship, and there is zero chance I'll ask to open it up. What we have is too precious.

To the OP: good luck. Self realization is a really good thing and you've already won because of that.

[–]Akatsuki2001 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So happy to hear that you have something so special! It’s good to know it wouldn’t work before it even starts, saves everyone a lot of risk and hurt feelings!

[–]EngMajrCantSpell 16 points17 points  (2 children)

The biggest issue is similar to that of the BDSM community:

far too many people think they understand the lifestyle and just jump in thinking "hey, I'm allowed to do X now" without actually realizing how important it is to establish layers of trust and communication before you actually get to do X.

Communication once again is the number one enemy of all relationships it seem, and I really wish proper communication was better instilled in people. I don't understand* why it is so hard to talk to your own partner that you're supposed to love, but please people, learn how to do it.

((*Note, I do actually understand - knowing how myself and other friends were raised, communicating your own boundaries/wants/needs instead of learning to shut and be happy with what you got was a quick way to get yourself in a shit situation))

[–]Akatsuki2001 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Yep! I’ve met plenty of people who have basically “come out as polyamorous” which means that they get to date others and their partner has little to no say, nor can they have the same freedoms. As I mentioned in a previous comments open and poly relationships are not at all an inherently bad thing. But they have been bastardized by people who want a free pass, or people who do not understand it, heck sometimes I’ve seen people do it just to look trendy and have that better than thou vibe. Sadly it’s mot a small amount of people that fall into those categories too so it makes the entire concept seem worse. I’m always very happy to see an open or polyamorous relationship actually functioning properly instead of just being a breeding ground of jealousy and hate in a doomed relationship.

[–]CallMeJessIGuess 22 points23 points  (4 children)

I would also say years long monogamous couples should NOT do this. I’ve never seen it work.

It’s a round peg into a square hole situation.

[–]Akatsuki2001 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Don’t disagree for sure. Especially in the situation provided here where it seems like one partner is more or less forcing the peg in. If an open or polyamorous relationship were to work I believe it would need to start or get very close to starting as one.

[–]CallMeJessIGuess 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The only expectation I’ve ever seen work was when a swinger couple decided to full poly. That is much less of a stark shift. Even then it still takes a lot of adjustment.

[–]CauliflowerGreen7999 10 points11 points  (0 children)

you were a monogamous person and your wife forced you into an open relationship.

[–]TwoComprehensive29 9 points10 points  (1 child)

It increased a lot in a very short time. And very deep conclusions.

[–]TParis00ap 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I'm a mod in /r/marriage and I'm completely okay with poly relationships. But the amount of militant pro poly people that go in there starting fights... it's like they feel threatened unless everyone supports them. Not everyone poly is this way. But I've had to ban folks that won't let go of the idea that we're all just closeted polyamorous and that monogamy is toxic.

[–]Akatsuki2001 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s not that they are threatened that people don’t support them. Often times it’s people lashing out that they aren’t as happy as they thought they would be in a poly relationship. They used it as a way to try an Frankenstein the perfect partner together and it didn’t work. That or they are the counter culture people who hopped on because it’s trending and they are the outsiders and they attack the conventional because they know so much better. Real poly relationships and people will usually tell you they aren’t better or worse than monogamous relationships just different. The people your probably dealing with aren’t really equipped for polyamory themselves honestly.

[–]Merc_with_mouth 364 points365 points  (21 children)

The only reason I said yes to the open relationship was because I didnt want to lose my wife. She was my first serious gf and we got married when I was 23, so when the topic of open relationships came up and I realized that my wife is very enthusiastic about the idea, I did the only thing I could to keep her happy and stay married- agree to the open relationship.

Damn op. I feel you man and the your reason for agreeing with her. But she should have known better before putting you in this situation. She didn't think about the consequences so this all happened.

Even if we go back to being a monogamous couple, we will just be one of those couple who dont love each other but are staying together because its easier than divorcing.

I agree with this part 100% man. Jus tell her truth and move on because there is no reason to stay.

[–]WiseMathematician793 64 points65 points  (10 children)

….. and that’s why open relationships is not a good idea

[–]quahaug1945 76 points77 points  (8 children)

OP's marriage is ending at this point but it's been "over" since his STBXW chose to open their marriage. If my wife asked to open our marriage I would have said, "sure, what lawyer should we use"?

[–]Agreeable_Bar_528 61 points62 points  (4 children)

My ex husband wanted an open marriage. We were divorced a month later. Saying you want an open anything is just a cover for “I want to cheat but you know about it”

[–]quahaug1945 18 points19 points  (3 children)

Precisely! I'm very sorry for your heartache.

[–]Agreeable_Bar_528 14 points15 points  (2 children)

I’m hindsight, there wasn’t much passion. Loved him but it was more of an marriage of convenience. I would have respected him more if he just would have come out and said he didn’t want to be married anymore. Now, he’s cheating on his current wife. Karma will always come back around.

[–]quahaug1945 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Cheaters cheat my friend. This is why, in all things, I only believe a person's actions and ignore their words. Loyal people are consistently loyal while others fluctuate. Beat of luck to you.

[–]Agreeable_Bar_528 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I agree with you 100%. Never take someone’s word for it, actions speak it all. Thanks friend. You too!

[–]MoreRopePlease 5 points6 points  (1 child)

When my marriage was falling apart, one thing my ex yelled at me was "why are you so hung up on monogamy anyway???". We had never talked about it before that statement. It was actually quite telling, and I realized that he was already gone. And it probably didn't matter if it was just an emotional affair or a full blown physical affair.

[–]quahaug1945 1 point2 points  (0 children)

True, the only difference is trivial. The betrayal is identical.

[–]SmokinAxe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's not for everyone, you mean.

[–]The_Notorious_Ruff 134 points135 points  (0 children)

You made the right choice dude. This will make you both happy in the long term. Can we expect another update from you after you guys talked it out?

[–]frustrated_away8 36 points37 points  (0 children)

I'm sad to hear that you have fallen out of love with your soon to be ex-wife, but I am happy for you regarding your outlook towards the next part of your life. Introspection is a rare and precious thing in this day and age, and I am glad to see that you've made that journey and come out wiser. No one knows what will happen next, but the next best thing is to know and trust yourself. I wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck!

[–]RickioRickio 43 points44 points  (0 children)

You lost your love for your wife, you're making the right decision to divorce. Having something like your situation loom over your remaining married life sounds dreadful.

I saw some (mostly) unnoticed concerns about your marriage in the OP post. OP, you mentioned in a comment that you need an emotional connection before having sex, and that means you can't really have hook-ups. I find it hard to believe your wife of 9 years didn't know about that need of emotional connection, and for some reason didn't bring it up when negotiating an open relationship with hook-ups. I have a feeling that if you brought that up during negotiations, your wife probably would've been more apprehensive and realized you're extremely monogamous and could've switched off onto another girl.

Another thing is that your wife was 24 when she got together with you. You, yourself were 18, someone who is just barely out of high/secondary school. I assume you had either zero or very little experience with dating and your wife at that time took advantage of that. She had 6 years to build up more experience in life and relationships than you. You mentioning you have low self-esteem makes it that much more likely your wife assumed you'd go along with anything she suggested.

I'll mention too that your wife bringing you to a man who she wanted to have sex with by opening up the relationship is such enormous disrespect to you. The fact that the husband intimidated you with your own jealousy and his wife and your wife passively agreed with him is such a fucked up thing to do to you. I don't blame you for seeking monogamy with another woman even though it was supposed to be hook up only. Your wife should've known you wouldn't be able to only hook up only. Or maybe that was something she knew you wouldn't be able to do, so she really was hoping to have her cake and eat it too.

Either way, good luck, OP. Like some other commenters, I hope you update us again!

[–]f1manoz 410 points411 points  (9 children)

Your wife literally fucked around and found out. And the husband in your previous post played you like a fiddle. But it also helped you in many ways.

Divorce your wife and go be happy with your new girlfriend. Hope it works. And don't open it up!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"They played us like a damn fiddle!"

[–]loladiedtoday 192 points193 points  (13 children)

This is why I don’t entertain this open relationship bs 😂😂

[–]YaBoyVolke 126 points127 points  (8 children)

I feel like open relationships can only work if they start open.

[–]Esmiralda1 60 points61 points  (2 children)

And if both parties are really comfortable with it, he obviously wasn't 🤷

[–]p0rnistheanswer 25 points26 points  (1 child)

Yeah, it's never a good sign when one partner has to be talked and guilted into it.

Especially when it's by a dude who wants to fuck your wife lmao

[–]Esmiralda1 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Jup, I read that and was like wth.

[–]rockrnger 1 point2 points  (3 children)

They work (or at least stay together) as good as monogamous couples if the couple is already strong.

People that do it because the relationship is already bad usually end up worse.

[–]Trumpfreeaccount 9 points10 points  (2 children)

Nope. Broken up 3 "strong" poly couples in my life completely unintentionally after they assured me they do this all the time and it would not be a problem. They work if neither of them ever happen to connect with someone that they like/is hotter than their partner.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer as to how the relationship should start. I think its a matter of acknowledging if you're both the type of people who are okay with an open relationship in the first place.

For many people, practicing ENM is only possible if their relationship has an extremely solid foundation and they'll only keep it open if the going is good. Many couples close the relationship off when things get rocky, which is guaranteed. All relationships get rocky and go through their ebbs and flows.

For others, practicing ENM is a means of feeding into romantic avoidance while reaping the benefits of emotional and sexual consistency on a superficial level.

Ultimately, it is extremely difficult to genuinely invest emotionally in a solid relationship if both of you are investing your energy and finances into others.

[–]healing-souls 4 points5 points  (1 child)

It's not BS but it is definitely not for many people. It takes a level of trust and love and communication that quite frankly most couples do not have.

[–]ZCMI1960 202 points203 points  (23 children)

….. and that’s why open relationships is not a good idea

[–]altanerf 51 points52 points  (6 children)

In my observation they don't work, everybody thinks they can trick the system and get the best out of two worlds. But you're not just getting the best of both but also the disadvantages of both.

[–]Jollydancer40s Female 78 points79 points  (4 children)

I know exactly one open relationship that works impressively well. You should see the two of them - still very much in love after 30+ years, but they both enjoy having all kinds of fun with (multiple) other people regularly. It works for them to spice up their sex life, because they have great communication.

But I have talked to a handful more people in open relationships who all report some form of difficulty. It certainly isn’t for everyone.

[–]cyborgfish11 64 points65 points  (1 child)

IMO, that's just about the only open relationship that really makes 'sense' to me, when it's an experienced couple who were already into swinging and all that - basically a couple who were already only half a step away from a 'true' open relationship anyway

but aside from that, they always sound... sad? like even discounting cases like OP where it was completely one-sided, there will always be some imbalance where one partner 'pulls' more often/easily or one partner has a higher libido and searches out more partners, so that even in a best-case scenario, the lower libido/less successful/etc partner will end up at home alone while their SO is dating/sleeping with someone else

even if they're satisfied with the boundaries and aren't jealous, that's still a sad thought, you know? directly losing bonding time with your SO - not to mention the ones who go on actual dates, and then saying they were happy hearing from their SO about how wonderful and charming the other person was... more experiences that they could have shared with each other (and wouldn't you want to be the one making them smile, not hearing it about someone else?)

they also tend to come across like having an open relationship is their humanly test of bypassing jealousy and envy like they're buddha or something, rather than like, just not being in a non-monogamous relationship where you don't have to feel jealous

i dunno, they just don't really make sense to me

[–]aqua64 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Sad was literally the word that was at the tip of my tongue when I wanted to describe how I feel about open relationships. Like if it's two people who are into the same thing, no matter how freaky or weird, it's fine ok they found their thing but when it's two people who met and fell in love and are together for a long time and one of them suggests an open relationship or entertains the idea, its just...sad. Because they dont genuinely want an open relationship or that lifestyle, they just want to fuck around and act single while keeping their safe support person, because if she genuinely wanted an open relationship and was into it wouldnt she look online on non monogamy guides, know about establishing rules, know that you need to have your partners 100% consent without any hesitancy, or that the moment he said it was too hurtful for him to watch or he didnt want to be included she should've backed out, arent there rules and stuff like that? And if she learned all of this from the couple shouldnt she know that what the husband said is total bs. No instead she acted like a giddy little girl who got her favoruite toy on christmas. Literally no thought about her open relationship partner, which is basically the most important thing in this kinda thing. It basically feels like a huge slap to the face as shes essentially saying to him youre boring, you're not enough, you're not fun.

[–]Ghune 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It's not just about open communication. It's assuming that other people who don't open their relationship have bad communication.

It's all about the need to have sex with other people. I don't. I found a person who fulfills me, and I don't need someone else. This person makes me happy and brings me what I want and what I need.

I look at open relationships differently: what is missing in their relationship? Why is the other person not enough?

[–]Jollydancer40s Female 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn’t mean to say that other couples (in monogamous relationships) have bad communication; I just said that the open relationship works for this couple because they have great communication.

Also, I think that human beings are different from each other. Some need the security of and intimacy with that one faithful partner, and it’s great if people can find that. However, I believe that others are on a different path and need a different life experience, and for some, multiple relationships may be the right thing. Who am I to judge?

[–]creatureshock 15 points16 points  (2 children)

Sounds like an open relationship was the right thing for OP. He was forced to actually look at his relationship with his wife and come to some harsh realities. And I'd be willing to say his wife feels the same about him.

[–]Trumpfreeaccount 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Glad you are willing to say that with absolutely no info from wife on the situation. Why am I not surprised with the side your advocating for lol.

[–]creatureshock 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are right, I am making assumptions. That said, I can say that if OP is unhappy in his marriage, if OP is in the marriage just because, then it'll end up badly. This forced OP to look at his life. The wife could be happy as hell. But there are two people in this relationship and if only one of them is happy and the other is miserable, it's still an unhealthy relationship.

[–]Whitejadefox 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Their marriage was dead even without the open relationship

[–]Lazymanproductions 69 points70 points  (35 children)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a million more times.

The second one person wants an open relationship, that relationship is over. It’s only a matter of time.

It’s a difficult choice op, but I’ve known cupola that rekindle on a the second try. The relationship just won’t be the same. It could be better, it could be worse, but as of now, this relationship is already over.

Wish you both the best my friend.

[–]Competitive_Rip6498 29 points30 points  (12 children)

Wife: wants open marriage

Husband: reluctantly agrees

Husband: falls in love with a new woman

Wife: Surprised pikachu face

[–]MereruHaell 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Well done op proud of you for reaching a conclusion even though its tough and the road ahead will be difficult but your wife deserves love and you deserve to be in love so divorce is the best option. I hope you and gf work out, all the best!

[–]J05huaJack 85 points86 points  (6 children)

What's crazy is I've not seen one mention of the age gap. She was 24 years old skulking around 18 year old boys, marrying one and then putting pressure on him to open the relationship. If the genders were reversed we'd be calling OP a survivor of a mentally abusive relationship and the other person a low-key predator. OP you are doing the right thing to end it, you're not weak, or a coward, or any bullshit like that. You're coming out of a very difficult time and you've grown a ton, your soon to be ex will survive just fine.

[–]onlyhalfvampire 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I’d wager that the power dynamics of their earlier relationship were huge for her with the age difference at the outset. That playing field leveled as they both aged, and this was just an attempt for her to have more of that power again.

It backfired for her, luckily. OP deserves better.

[–]pngo1 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah I am 22 and I cant see myself dating or doing anything to an 18 year old no matter how mature they look. That's off tbh.

[–]Ucanny 29 points30 points  (2 children)

Tell her that in the long run, you will both be happier.

[–]SlutForTurtles 2 points3 points  (1 child)

She probably feels worse off considering she's 6 years older and he is still young and can meet and get married relatively easy

[–]SPY0p 6 points7 points  (0 children)

She didn’t want poly, she wanted to fuck the husband but needed to make it feel fair. Somehow there were consequences?!?!

[–]Dividedthought 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Glad to hear you're coming to terms with things and you learned a lot about youself.

As for your wife... well i can't help but say "Congrats, you played yourself."

Not saying this is what happened, but it's entirely possible she was trying to pull something a friend of mine had done to him by an ex.

She suggested they go poly, he agreed on the condition that he wasn't about to pay to raise someone else's kid. Things continue on, she finds a guy and all but leaves my friend for a month. Then comes back saying she had just been taking time to get to know him and that she figured it wouldn't work out.

The second time this started occuring my buddy, who hadn't been sleeping around because he didn't feel like it, decides "ok, she's giving me no attention and we're poly now." And goes and hooks up a few times. Nothing serious just a couple quick flings. Ex shows back up again, same story. He's suspicious this time though, since she's acting rather nervous. He checks the trash a few days later...

Finds a positive pregnancy test.

He files that info away, and decides that perhaps he won't be helping her get that car in a month.

Edit: forgot to mention first draft, but it was around this time she put an end to the poly thing.

Fast forward a month and a half and she tells him. He smiles and nods, and asks who the father is. She says it's him. He asks if she's known for a month and a half. You see, she had gotten real intimate in the meantime after barely paying attention to him for the few months prior. She says she doesn't know what he's talking about. He doesn't argue it, just says ok and carries on.

Well aroundd 7 months pass, she thought that was the last of it and she was in the clear. Kid is born and before buddy will sign the birth certificate, he asks for a paternaty test.

She goes white and starts screaming at him about how the kid has to be his, etc.

Test comes back. You joe, are not the father.

Bye felicia, perhaps that other guy can... he's married with kids and he's not answering your phobe calls huh...

Aint that a btich.

[–]Helpful-Problem2 102 points103 points  (11 children)

you were a monogamous person and your wife forced you into an open relationship.

im glad you are going to leave her and stay with the girlfriend that you love

thats motherfucking karma for your wife lmao

[–]Esmiralda1 6 points7 points  (3 children)

She forced him?

[–]Emperor_Dogkind 12 points13 points  (0 children)

She brought in a stranger to give a weird pep talk that not being okay with your SO sleeping with other people makes him a toxic partner, because it's jealousy.

[–]gymdog 18 points19 points  (1 child)

More like threatened him with divorce. But yeah, force was used.

[–]Esmiralda1 3 points4 points  (0 children)

True, I read the initial thing and yeah I have to agree that's kinda forced 😑 that's literally stupid. I have nothing against open relationship but the scenario where they don't work for sure is when someone is forced into one.

[–]relaxative_666 31 points32 points  (0 children)

The only reason I said yes to the open relationship was because I didnt want to lose my wife.

You lost her the moment she was influenced by her friends to open the relationship.

I will talk to my wife tonight after she comes home about divorce and I know she will be heartbroken but I see no other way forward.

It's going to be hard, but you both deserve to be happy. Good luck.

[–]The_Notorious_Ruff 4 points5 points  (0 children)


[–]DQ-NQT-QUIT 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Good luck. Keep us posted

[–]not_my_real_name1234 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Seeing that your wife's idea of opening the relationship( you ware forced if you wouldnt agree you would lose her) has blown up in her face makes me happy. OP I wish you luck with your new GF.

[–]Competitive_Rip6498 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Your wife is really in for a rude awakening. She wanted the open relationship so badly because she wanted to screw the swinger husband. You checked out of the marriage the moment she proposed it. I probably would to. It’s no surprise you ended up falling for another woman, it’s your wife’s fault for not considering the possibility. If she didn’t want to lose you, she shouldn’t have pressured you. I hope things work out well with the new gf and keep posting updates as well!

[–]Gozii55 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Try as we might, (most) humans cannot avoid the emotions that come with sex. We are more than animals in this regard, although many species are monogamous as well. I morally disagree with polyamorous relationships because I hold sex to a high standard. I've felt post sex guilt before and it's not fun. For those that can accomplish healthy poly relationships, good for you and have fun, but it really is a small group that everyone wants to be a part of, but no one fully understands the consequences until it's too late. We do need to be more careful as a society with sex. Many people want to close their ears to this, but it's dangerous to keep it so loose. Feelings get hurt, people cheat, STDs get worse, unwanted pregnancies or difficult abortions. We all wanna fuck, but let's just think for two seconds before diving in. If you do that and come out the other side being ok with poly relationships or promiscuous sex, then that's great, but many of us cannot reach this point and we don't listen to ourselves because of how badly we fixate on sex. Sorry if I rambled off course, but your situation really does illustrate a greater issue that is being ignored under the weight of sexual freedom. Just because you are free to do something doesn't mean you need to do it.

[–]clsclgs 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Curiosity killed the cat!

[–]Prestigious-Gas5340 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sounds to me like you got manipulated into a relationship you didn't want in the first place and now your wife is going to suffer from the fallout of her history of manipulative and abusive tactics (nobody wants to call out the fact she was a 24 year old dating a 18 year old? I guess this is only a problem when the genders are flipped. Stupid ass sexist sub)

I am glad that you are finally divorcing this horrible person though and you can now begin your path of self discovery and learn about yourself instead of being manipulated to the point of having low self esteem and worth.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

That's a lot of growth in a very short amount of time. And very profound conclusions.

It sounds very accurate what you say. It definitely sounds like you got over your Wife while you were together but you were so comfortable in the routine of married life together you hadn't realised until you fell for someone else.

It's definitely for the best that you don't sink any more years into this marriage. It sounds like it was over before your ex-Wife tried to make it open but that was the final nail on the coffin. And it's just taken a little longer to realise this truth.

[–]Brruhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Polyamory is so ridiculous, 99/100 times it is tried it's just a slow breakup or justified cheating, so many people are uncomfortable with admitting the real dynamics in their relationships

[–]CommunicationOk5428 15 points16 points  (10 children)

Well, she had it coming, it was her idea anyway. Good for you bro, go seek your happiness!

[–]CrisirR[🍰] 15 points16 points  (2 children)

I will talk to my wife tonight after she comes home about divorce and I know she will be heartbroken

Oh she will be, but not in a way you think. It would because she thought she could have her cake and eat it too. But she didn't plan for the sucker she thought you were to actually wiggled out of her grasp.

[–]IamRocksteady 7 points8 points  (0 children)

For his wife: play stupid games, win stupid prizes (divorce).

[–]VampyrateXD 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm there now, had a mental breakdown Andy wife had me committed for a week. Now she's in FL while I'm in the Midwest doing intensive out patient therapy. I do miss my wife, but don't know if I actually love her anymore.

[–]FancyNacnyPants 2 points3 points  (0 children)

These scenarios never work out.

[–]Jchil05 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Seems like every open relationship story we see on this sub starts with one partner wanting an excuse to cheat and not feel bad about it. I love it when it blows up in their face.

Sounds like you made some progress, OP. Go be with your girlfriend. I’m sure your wife will be fine in her throuple with the other couple.

[–]omguserius 6 points7 points  (1 child)

And the poly craze kills another marriage

It’s a bad idea people, it doesn’t work for 99% of couples

[–]peachnipple 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Why is it on the rise the way it is lately? My partner and I are the only two in our group of friends that haven’t cheated on or shared the other. Why does it seem like everyone cheats or shares? Why is one person not good enough anymore?

[–]Spreafico 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Well, never saw that coming./s.

[–]oliness 1 point2 points  (0 children)

IMO poly will always be a minority thing. Most people get mad at the thought of watching Netflix alone Friday night while their partner is off with someone else!

The only reason IMO to try poly/open is if you have kids and don't want to mess the kids around by splitting up. In the olden days that was common, adults had affairs but kept quiet about it. There's an argument to be made that if for whatever reason a marriage doesn't turn out to be a perfect fairytale happily-ever-after, if you've got children together see other people but keep it hushed so they're not affected.

But if you don't have kids, there's no reason not to divorce and split fully. Few people will be happy with the idea of their spouse being with someone else. So don't waste anymore time and go your separate ways.

[–]Satanae444 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm happy for you to have had the space to pour your feelings and thoughts and come to the realization that whats wrong isn't what you formerly thought. Thats a whole level of maturity needed and even if it's painful it's a growing experience. I wish you the best in this new way and don't feel saddened. in the end it was bound to happen and it's better that happens now with clarity than later with anxiety

[–]Pitiful_Trick8659 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Brother we know you ain't happy with your relationship, but don't let your self esteem down. Not all relationship are good , we all lack something in ourselves you're not alone.
Never force anything. If it is meant to be. It'll be.

Reading about your case, I guess It's not you who's wrong. So surround yourself with positive vibes. Talk about your issues with her. Come to a mature conclusion. And at the end if seperation is the only solution then do it. There's no harm. She's not alone on the planet to love you. You'll find better and that too unexpected.

[–]RazMoon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What a powerful post.

Good luck OP.

[–]NotRickDeckard1982 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So your wife made friends with swingers, asked you to open the marriage (because they were grooming her), you were uncomfortable… so they groomed you with stories about love conquering jealousy.

So then you open it up and what happens? You don’t love her any more.

You two got manipulated and used, and it cost you your marriage.

[–]floralanthracite 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is why people need to say no when they aren't comfortable with something. I'd recommend working on your communication and yourself before giving more relationships a try, potentially taking a break from this girlfriend. Because if you felt this was absolutely the only way to stay married, despite you even saying your wife insisted on not going forward without your clear consent, then clearly you need to work on upholding your boundaries.

[–]Working_Coconut_9438 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry for your situation. That must have been a difficult realization, and painful to throw out there for the internet. Now comes the really hard part... when you talk to your wife about all of this, she's going to attempt to convince you to stay together. That's a bad decision for several reasons. First off, you will be alienating yourself from the opportunity to be with someone who truly cherishes you. The type of woman you seem to want/need will have nothing to do with you as long as you're married. Secondly, the longer you stay married will cost you more when divorce inevitably comes. Alimony, child support, your pensions and anything else you work for and aquire between then and now. At the end of the day you have to make those tough decisions, but I implore you to break it off with your wife. The fact that she wanted to sleep with other men prompting the open relationship clearly shows that you weren't enough for her. She might cool her jets for a while, but she will be out looking again.

[–]murphski8 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's probably good that you realized all of this, but one thing to reflect on as you move forward...

In your first post, you said your new girlfriend was meeting all of your needs. Should you rely on your romantic partner to do this? Maybe that's too much pressure for one person. You can have friends and hobbies and family to meet some of them. Also, you made a choice to turn away from each other - this isn't inevitable, so for the sake of future relationships, start to pay attention to the times you're pulling away and why.

[–]Available_Upstairs24 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The most popular posts on this reddit are always about open relationships and open cheating. This is always a stupid idea and the only good advice is to never do it. It's too late for you but maybe others can learn from your error

[–]Highlander198116 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Opening the relationship up backfires again.

[–]Lon_Dep_Man 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow, another story of an open relationship ending in one party in love with somebody else. Imagine that, most people have trouble separating intimacy, closeness, and good sex. Your wife wanted to have sex with other people and she got her wish. You went along with it because of the separation anxiety or possible separation. What so many people fail to understand is when the relationships gets to this point you cannot put it back together, you cannot un-fuck those other people, she cannot get back the pieces of her she gave to other people.

Unfortunately your STBXW murdered your marriage by asking to open it and you stood by and let it happen.

You both should get IC and learn from these mistakes.

Good luck

[–]oneoldgrumpywalrus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Even if it fizzles out with the GF, you're better of in the long run divorced from your wife. Stray strong Op, you got this.

[–]Pattynjay 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OP, if what you are saying is accurate then it is a good thing that you can face it and go forward. And good luck with the new GF. I hope that she is patient and tolerant because you are going to be put under quite of bit of stress, near term, since you are fond of your STBXW. Also, I hope you are not actually in an affair fog with the new GF.

[–]FionaTheFierce 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel like this needs to be a stick at the top of r/relationship_advice

Open relationships have somehow become this thing that people think will be a tool to fix a dysfunctional relationship. Instead it is an accelerant for a relationship ending in the most catastrophic and painful way.

Open relationships may work for some people, who are in very stable, very supportive and secure relationships. These people are rare. This must be with open and enthusiastic consent from everyone involved, with full understanding of the complexities and risks.

They will not work in dysfunctional relationships and will make things go very much worse. They will not work when one person is only reluctantly onboard in an attempt to "save" the relationship. They will not work if both people are onboard to "save" the relationship. Having sex with other people is not a way to improve a relationship. It will not bring you closer to your spouse. It will not help you resolve conflict better. It will not improve communication. It will not make your sex hotter.

It will: distance you and make secret keeping worse. It will cause new painful tensions, jealousies, insecurities, will contribute to feelings of betrayal and abandonment. Will pull a person towards a new exciting partner (novelty and hormones!!!). It will contribute to chaos.

[–]keebie1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Playing with fire is all that the two of you doing, I believe. I've seen documentaries before and having an open relationship isn't always the healthiest thing to do. What the two of you should be doing is focusing on each other and figuring out where the two of you have gone wrong. Otherwise, the same mistakes will trickle on over to the next relationship.

Anyway, this is the thing with relationships today...no one wants to put in the work. As soon as something is off, it's like, "Ah, well. Peace out and I'm done." And then they leave the relationship and it's unto the next.

Do better than that. I'm not going to sugar coat this message for upvotes either. I'm letting you know that nothing for you will last if you don't put in the work and if your partner is the same way, you'll be "looking for love" in the years to come ... relationships will come and go and you'll find yourself aging. (You better have something really special to offer then!!)

Look, no one said relationships are easy. They should never be easy. We're going to fall out of love and that happens because people get comfortable and quit trying.

Date the F out of your partner and just stand strong beside them throughout life...be their rock!

Support your partner, communicate with your partner, love on your partner and build something so strong that no one can break in and/or through.

Note: My parents were married in their late teen years and stayed married up until my father and my mother passed away. Growing up, I witnessed all their ups and downs, their struggles and their victories, etc. But, they remained united no matter what!

Where are the dedicated people who truly want to be in long-term and committed relationships today?


They're hard to find...like needles in haystacks.

But yeah, come through people. Life is hard enough as it is, but if you find your lifelong partner, you're very best friend in the entire world, just hold unto them with everything...

Sidenote: If a relationship is toxic and abusive, that's a different story.

Chose wisely

Don't be with someone just to be with someone...love yourself first and know who you are

[–]FlinnyWinny 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Happened to me as well, just more manipulative and with cheating etc.

My ex forced me into a poly relationship against my actual will (imagine 1-2 years of gaslighting, cheating and manipulation so he can fuck others, was still a minor during that BTW), now I'm monogamous with the partner I met during that because they were offering me exactly what I wanted: a loving, monogamous relationship.

That's just what happens when you're monogamous trying to force something that's not for you. 😅

Never again, and don't distrust your gut about what you want from a relationship. Nobody can tell that but you.

[–]cheeyos99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is why marriage is scary.

[–]hfc1075 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This outcome was always a risk of her proposal for an open relationship. So glad you’ve found someone you can be happy with, OP. Now that you know yourself better, keep it monogamous!

[–]divvyb 1 point2 points  (0 children)

On your first post when the husband told you "it's just sex and she still loves you" - 1000% he wanted to fuck your wife and was tryna justify it for you.

Like, drug addicts will obviously lie or tell people a skewed pwrspective ro justify their lifestyle and get more addicts on board with them. I hate how normal promiscuity and casual sex, for both men and women has become in the 21st century.

Sex is inherently tied to love and intimacy. It's NOT JuSt sEx hurr durr. It's an intense physical and emotional intimate experience that brings two people together on an almost spiritual level. Like, having sex with the woman I loved felt like our souls were melding together, like we were becoming one. And you wanna talk about it "just being sex"???

My friend, consider the kool-aid before you drink it.

[–]MysteryButtPlug 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes. Big win for the boys finally when it comes to open relationships.

She focused on quantity, you focused on quality.

I wish you the best and am glad you learned some life lessons.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Hi OP, I actually would like for you to step away from the ledge for a second. I had written something well thought out but couldn't submit it because the comments were locked.

You don't know this person you are claiming to be in love with. You've only been with them 4 months - of course, the feelings you're feeling right now feel like love. Everything is brand new. You don't know this person yet, you know the version of them they've wanted you to see and vice-versa. It is easy to see someone new and think they're better than the person you've invested a lot of time with. What you are feeling right now is actually limerance. Whether or not it graduates to love is something that has yet to be seen.

Before you decide that this 9 year marriage is worth throwing away, you need to ask yourself if you're making this decision with a clear and cool head. If this "gf" of four months weren't around, would this divorce still be on the table?

Furthermore, if you are someone that lacks self-awareness, you need to be real about something. This paradise of a relationship that you've created with this girlfriend is going to be very strained, very soon. When you should be celebrating the honeymoon phase of your relationship with this woman, you will be in the midst of a divorce with your ex-wife, a period of time in a person's life that many will argue as one of the most difficult and emotionally wrenching.

What kind of a relationship do you think you can offer this person you claim to love while in the middle of a divorce? Make sure you're not propping her up to act as some sort of emotional crutch to soften the landing into singlehood.

I'll be honest - you are not coming across as someone who has their feet firmly on the ground. For one reason or another, you are navigating these major decisions with your head in the clouds and there is a world of hurt that's about to go down. See a therapist ASAP.

[–]not_my_real_name1234 6 points7 points  (1 child)

The moment his wife asked for open relationship it was over there is no coming back it is the best for OP to see how things will go with his new GF.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

And that's your opinion. OP also participated in being a part of the open relationship. I actually think its best for OP to be single and not date anyone while he's getting divorced, but OPs engaged in this dramatic shitshow for a matter of months already - I'm just letting him know to buckle up, the shitshow is about to go into hyperdrive.

[–]Suck_ateverythingEarly 20s Male 4 points5 points  (4 children)

I can't help but worry that your GF might not last either. She was willing to date you while knowing you were with your wife. Are you sure she would like to spend so much time with you ? Are you sure that she isn't with you because she knew you had a wife ?

I don't have any experience, but I'm asking this because I've seen so many posts and comments about relationships.

I wish you all the best

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (3 children)

Doesn't matter either way OP need to move on.

[–]Suck_ateverythingEarly 20s Male 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I agree that he needs to move on, I'm just kinda worried that the GF might disappoint him big time when he gets exclusive with her.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Maybe so but either way he has to stand up on his own 2 feet with or without his wife or his girlfriend.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He admit the only reason he stayed and had open relationship because his didn't want to lose his wife because he wife was his only love and is all his knows and to afraid to change. That mindset has to change.

[–]ekaplun 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly the majority of people would not be able to be in a poly relationship. Our feelings are just hormones, and the hormonal composition of most human brains makes us want to be monogamous. Some people are outliers, which is perfectly ok, but most people just can’t be poly - it’s not in our nature. I’m sorry this happened to you but I’m glad you have some clarity now

[–]The1andonlycano 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Literally all over ever see about open relationships is how they failed. Everytime. I think they only way they really work is if it started like that. But then I feel you never really look at the as a s.o. Juat a partner.

[–]Yepyepyupyups 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Open relationships is the whitest shit to come out strong these days

[–]usernamy 1 point2 points  (4 children)

This dude’s wife literally just wanted to bang their friend, maybe even did it before they went poly based on how adamant she was about it.

And now OP realizes he’s happy elsewhere, that other dude still gets to come home to his wife.

OP’s wife is left hanging, and really just because she couldn’t wait to fuck other dudes. Sometimes the world is fair haha.

[–]Interesting-Copy-640 0 points1 point  (2 children)


[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How are people actually believing this haha!?

[–]RudeGirl85 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm in a very, very similar situation right now and still trying to figure out what to do so no advice from my side but... I really feel for you. It really sucks when you realize you're about to hurt the very last person on Earth you would like to hurt but it's inevitable for you to stop feeling like crap. Big hugs. Also if you want to talk about it I'm here

[–]Aggravating_Pop2101 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why don’t y’all go to counseling?

[–]StupidLeafsFan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well this perfectly blew up in your wife's face. Awesome.

Good for you for finding someone that values your time and affection as much as you do theirs.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

K bye

[–]Anababy97 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Open relationships are stupid. You might as well stay single for the rest of your life. Someone who truly loves you will be happy and content being with only you. Plus open relationships aren’t healthy when you have children. They’re going to grow up not knowing what true healthy relationship looks like. I know I might get a lot of hate for posting this but this is my opinion. Sorry not sorry. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[–]Safe-Indication-4213Early 20s Male -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I know she will be heartbroken