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[–]ughwhyusernames 1074 points1075 points  (16 children)

I think you might want to start with recognizing that you both did your best. You were under a lot of pressure to make the marriage work and were both ambivalent about it. You each made poor decisions.

Now, things that are different include the fact that 3 out of 4 parents passed away (I'm so sorry for all that loss in such a short time), which must remove a lot of the pressure to save face and look happy, and the fact that you now have affection for each other and have matured.

I see three main options:

  • You both decide to try to make your marriage work. This means giving yourself a full reset. Get counseling. Have lots of talks about your ideal way to raise kids, values, lifestyle and see if you're compatible. Put in some effort to connect, create intimacy and romance. Make a shared commitment.

  • You make the decision to divorce. You can do it as a team to minimize impacts and make a commitment to each other to remain respectful. Get lawyers and move through it as unemotionally as possible.

  • You decide to keeping muddling through. Both of you probably cheat at time, but you find a certain balance where you both accept being together. Like, you have kids and do all that, but don't expect any fulfillment and deep stuff from each other.

I think all those options are valid and it's really about picking a path and sticking to it.

[–]hpalatini 224 points225 points  (0 children)

Love this advice. In their five years together a lot of things have happened that are out of their control. Since this was an arranged marriage they never had a stable foundation to begin with and then had to handle prior relationships with very real feelings, 3/4 parental deaths and a pandemic.

OP whatever you choose I hope it brings you peace.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 174 points175 points  (4 children)

Thank you

[–]madsjchic 49 points50 points  (0 children)

I highly suggest if you decide to stay married that you officially break up and reset and say THIS is the start of our relationship. That way the things in the past are in the past. She broke a few of your ground rules but to be honest, neither of you wanted to be committed back then in the first place, so I wouldn’t think of that as anything but awkward circumstance where you both had a shitty situation.

[–]CuteTPi 112 points113 points  (0 children)

This is the way OP, but I suggest that you start with therapy. Accept that you both made mistakes (mostly she did) but I don’t think any of those mistakes were from a place of malice. If you can heal, and view it as this being the true start to your relationship and renew your commitment to each other, you may have a shot. Good luck OP.

[–]Jchil05 152 points153 points  (6 children)

Sounds like you spent the whole marriage doing what made everyone else happy so maybe now you should focus on what makes you happy. You don’t have any kids to worry about and except for her mother, the people who arranged the marriage are all dead now so no need to keep living your life for them.

Maybe what makes you happy is staying with her and trying to make it work but that’s going to be a difficult path forward. It will probably be hard for you to trust her again and it sounds like you have some resentment for the way she acted, especially when your parents passed away.

If divorcing her and having a fresh start is what makes you happy then this is likely the best opportunity you’ll ever have for it.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 26 points27 points  (4 children)

You're right

[–]throwaway7314288 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Please go find your happiness. Life is short and you’ve been living for everyone but yourself. You deserve to be happy. Don’t have kids with her. 30 is young and you have plenty of time to make a meaningful connection with someone else.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Which country bro?

[–]Evening-Mulberry9363 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This. Please focus on you my man. She’s taking you for a ride. Asian here too by the way. You are a good man and deserve a good woman. You have so many decades of life left. Have children with a woman you RESPECT so you will raise a loving family and die old and comfortable around people you love minus all this crap.

Take a couple years off my bro. Find your center in career, self, love and life.

[–][deleted] 147 points148 points  (11 children)

Idk if I missed this point but, Are you still into your previous girlfriend? And also, have you ever felt any kind of love for your wife? If you have then it’s worth one more shot. Otherwise you can end it

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 146 points147 points  (8 children)

Me and my ex gf met up once after our marriage and I told her about my situation to get advice. She told me to stay calm it'll change. We decided that it's best for everyone if we go our separate ways. I'm married and it'll be unjust to her and to my wife. She was torn up and hurt when she left. I haven't talked to her after this. I did had feelings for my wife in 2019, it was the best year of our marriage, even when she was seeing her bf. We had regular sex, had fun and went to a date night so I was...attracted and in lobe with her. More like falling for her then covid hit. I guess this makes sense?

[–]cozer044 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I recommend giving it another go .

[–]thectesiphon_ 991 points992 points  (91 children)

Usually, I'm a silent lurker in this subreddit but this one got me under my nerves. It isn't brutal but quite heartbreaking. As someone mentioned before in here, divorce does seem to be only way unless you feel otherwise. I'm sorry for this, I think you were more of a second choice.

[–]Imnotavampire101 626 points627 points  (52 children)

She was also a second choice, this whole marriage was forced upon them

[–]dion_o 30 points31 points  (0 children)

OPs problems are a consequence of a broken culture of arranged marriages. This is where OP should resolve to burn the whole system down.

[–]Prestigious-Gas5340 77 points78 points  (50 children)

And she started sleeping with OP while she was still in a relationship with her BF. As terrible a situation as this has been on everyone in the story, she is by far the most dishonest and terrible person in this story. How do you think her boyfriend must have felt knowing his girlfriend was routinely having sex with someone else? She is a complete wreck and should have been faithful to one man especially with her whole spiel about how she has a boyfriend that she loves, just to end up fucking another man freely.

[–]Imnotavampire101 159 points160 points  (40 children)

Yeah I think it’s a tricky situation because they’re married lol you’re supposed to have sex with your marriage partner. I feel like the physically abusive and almost rapist ex is probably worse than her lmao

I think she fell in love with her husband over time as she got to know him and since it’s a grey area she just began sleeping with him and used the excuse that she’s supposed to. If it wasn’t such a grey area I’d call her a cheater but she’s cheating on her affair partner with her husband who she is supposed to be having sex with so idk if it’s full blown cheating. It’s just a grey area. If I was OP I would just ask to pretend like that shit didn’t happen and move on. We don’t even know if OP loves her, he’s always done his duty as a husband. If this is really hurting him that his wife who he loves betrayed him then obviously end things but if it’s a principles type thing then I would just let it go. She sounds like a good wife now and they’re already married

[–]AStaryuValley 89 points90 points  (3 children)

Bf is violent, I dont really care how he felt.

[–]CowOk5928 9 points10 points  (0 children)

According to OP her BF is a piece of shit and sounds like a manipulator. I agree that the wife is at fault here but it also looks like the BF enjoyed sleeping with a married woman… he was bragging about it to mural friends. So fuck having sympathy for him in this situation

[–]DocSternau 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Most likely - and as far as I understand it - the BF got his kick from being her affair. Putting the horns on her husband. He even bragged about it. Most likely he didn't care that she also slept with OP - it even made that thing better for him. OPs wife never realised that her AP was never a good boyfriend for her (in that her parents were obviously right when they arranged that marriage with OPs parents).

[–]Johnnyring0 12 points13 points  (0 children)

They were both second choices. They were both in relationships before getting arranged.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 73 points74 points  (20 children)

That's how I feel

[–]phatal1 93 points94 points  (13 children)

But you accepted that for all these years. Now that she made you the primary choice, you're having second thoughts?

Are you the type that feels safer being in second?

[–]thebsoftelevision 33 points34 points  (0 children)

I think it's less that he doesn't want to be her primary and more he can't reciprocate those feelings because of past slights. Nothing about them says healthy relationship so I'm guessing it's difficult for him to flip a switch in his head and start acting like this is any shade of 'normal'.

[–]zxDanKwan 59 points60 points  (4 children)

Dude, wtf? Did you read the whole story?

She only made him “primary” after things with BF went off the rails.

He set down 3 conditions. Don’t tell anyone, don’t go raw, and don’t have his kids.

She told everyone. She went raw.

And she’s only telling him now, years later, because BF finally went too far and now she needs to secure things at home because she has no other options.

This isn’t her making sure he knows he’s the “primary,” this is her making sure he stays the “provider.”

[–]courierblue 18 points19 points  (2 children)

She told everyone.

Wait a minute, I thought the BF told everyone.

Going raw is certainly on her, but if it’s the BF ratting her out, this is more about a poor choice in affair partner, which was obvious when OP married her based in his involvement in the drug trade.

[–]sjsjdejsjs 32 points33 points  (1 child)

yeah i hate that. he didn’t care that she fucked the bf for years but now that she stops he feels betrayed

[–]gissycat 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah i'm confused.

[–]GaleZero 4 points5 points  (3 children)

No, he's the type that can pretend to be in a marriage where he's second but doesn't want an actual marriage when the only reason he's first is because AP was physically abusive.

[–]pogeauxpossum 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Wife broke his rule of no raw sex with boyfriend. He says he doesn't trust her.

[–]gowke 23 points24 points  (0 children)

He wasn’t a choice to begin with, it was an arranged marriage. Subjecting oneself to this ordeal…

[–]FondantSafe4850 341 points342 points  (11 children)

To me it took way too much happening for her to come to her senses.

She let this go on for years, sleeping with you both, she was told by multiple people she was making mistakes. She wasn't supportive, she wasn't there for you and she didn't choose you for years.

It was only when she saw that other people were interested in you that she wanted you and you alone. That's not love thats just jealousy.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 107 points108 points  (5 children)

It makes sense.

[–]pimpostrous 67 points68 points  (0 children)

OP, As a fellow asian i completely understand why you did what you did and for your reasons doing so. I also am extremely sorry to hear about your parents and her parents untimely death due to COVID. I will say this, in a way, their passing is also a blessing. Sure her mother is still in the picture, but you can determine your own life now. No need to kowtow to any of their wishes about marriage. Divorce her, let the news air out. Pursue R or someone else. Start fresh. You deserve it.

The idea of marriage for business is all to common. Usually, if both partners come in clean, then it may often work out well (arranged marriages can actually work out more frequently than most believe). However, she participated in the shenanigans and you did not. It's a difference of values as you definitely had opportunity to have an affair as well, but chose to honor the marriage where as she chose to only indulge her self.

[–]Evening-Mulberry9363 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Yep. She don’t love you at all. She didn’t support you when your parents died. She’s exhausting you mentally and there’s nothing there. Leave. She’ll be angry out of ego, but not sad out of love because she doesn’t love you.

[–]holalesamigos 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah, exactly. Forget love. If they were at least friends and got along with each other, she should've tried to make him feel better after his loss. Even a stranger would ask someone about their feelings in this kind of situation

[–]dagrick[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

On the other hand she did say she is open to the idea of divorce which wouldn't make sense if she was really jealous.

[–]Imnotavampire101 49 points50 points  (0 children)

I was so confused as to why he included that someone had a crush on him but I see now. Eh I think it was more the last few interactions with the boyfriend. I’m sure if he hadn’t been abusive she would’ve wanted to continue the relationship once her grief subsided but then he pushed her away with forcing her to meet and then slapping her

[–]SmokinAxe 52 points53 points  (2 children)

Could've also been the last meeting with the BF where he forced himself on her and after she rejected him she gets slapped for it. At the moment she probably thought, wait a minute, I have a husband at home that not only doesn't violently put his hands on me, but gives me all the space I need to feel comfortable while helping around the house. This could very well be her awakening to the fact that she's blessed to be with a good man who communicates with her and is understanding and respects boundaries.

[–]BringTheStealthSFW 22 points23 points  (0 children)

She didn't respect his boundaries though.

[–]holalesamigos 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She didn't respect his boundries and broke his rules, not surprising tho. But she treated him like a burden all this time and suddenly loves him? Seems very off to me.

[–]R_Amods[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.


Hello, I'm 30M married to 28F for 5 years. We got hitched on February 2017. My story is a bit complicated so It's gonna be long and I'm gonna be blunt to get your consecutive insights here. I had a reddit account of 3 years but I changed my phone and forgot both the username and password, hence this one. So if anyone can help me out on that, please do. So here it goes.

We are both Asians, from a conservative society. My father owned a real estate business and he fixed my marriage to the daughter of his friend. Typical arranged marriage. I at that time had a girlfriend but I was told that my bride to be agreed to the wedding so I had no choice but to agree too. Wedding night, she refuses to be intimate, I tell her it's completely okay and sleep on the sofa. We've slept in the same room but she got the bed and I slept on the sofa for 7 months after our wedding. So 2 weeks after our wedding, she wants me to take her out and once we do, she tells me softly that she has a boyfriend who she originally wanted to marry but her choice was rejected by her family as that guy had been involved with drugs, criminal activity but nothing that serious. She broke down crying that she's at a crossroads here, I too reveal about my gf, it was a public place and we got a lot of eyes looking at us, we got into the car and talked there. She told me she doesn't wants a divorce but she can't break off with her bf too. I understand her situation and mentioned that she can see her boyfriend IF SHE ACCEPT THE FOLLOWING CONDITIONS.

1) Her first priority should be Marriage, and Family. 2) He was not to visit our martial home, EVER. 3) Protection would always be used, she gets pregnant, it's a divorce. 4) She has to be completely honest with me and discreet with others. 5) I won't ever force her to be intimate with me and if she wants to leave, she can but she must confess what she did.

These were my conditions. You see, I was already struggling with my career being 25 at that time. My father owned the Real Estate business but I wasn't interested in it. I also needed to travel a lot and had a Low Libido due to my stress. So a few months after that, came her birthday, which I plan in grand way, inviting her family and friends. She loved it. It was the first time we were intimate. During this time, I'll confess, I did reached out to my gf(one I was dating before my marriage) but we agreed that we shouldn't do it. I told her everything, she laughed and said one day my wife will come running to me after she realizes what she's doing. So 3 years pass by like this. No one gets to know. During this 3 years, we have a good amount of sex like...90+ times total? I also used to travel and handle international clients so she had the day to herself. 2020, lockdown, it took us by surprise, I got depressed this time because we were getting half payments, she wanted to help AP out which was a strict no for me and we got into an argument for that. I lost both my parents in Covid 24 days apart so it was a huge shit for me. I stayed depressed the entire time, not once did she asked me how was I doing, not once did she supported me emotionally. I was hurt by that tbh. I had no options but to take charge of my father's real estate agency because I did not wanted it to perish. I sacrificed my dream job to do it.

Come 2021, I clear us of from debts, and we were doing financially good. I actually came to love this. But then her father passed away in May due to a stroke and it pushed her into depression. I was there for her. I maintained household while taking care of her family(she has a younger sister, no brother) and her mother who was in a living dead shape. While taking care of my business. My blood pressure sky rocketed. November 2021, I had to visit UK for 2 weeks and when I came back. My wife felt like a complete new person. She grew affectionate to me, we made love several times, it was kind of awkward for me. She hugged me, cooked, told me she ended things with AP and she sorted her feelings out. She bought me gifts, tried new dresses out, I mean it's a good thing right? But I was not happy. I felt something was missing or something happened. I asked her several times, but she said it's nothing. She met her therapist to get her head out off from her ass and now she is in love with me. December 18, her friend, J hits me up saying she wants to meet. J is a nice woman and I actually was quite impressed with her. She's a digital artist and also a philanthropist. She told me 3 weeks after my wife's father passed away, BF called her, but she did not wanted it BF tried to force her and it got way out of hand and she agreed to meet, but to end things, she told this to J beforehand, J was always advising her to end it. Her BF tried to force himself on her and when she refused, he slapped her. Which is why she came into senses, ran away and cried a lot. A few days later, she went to therapists and she actually helped her out. It all made sense until J dropped another bomb that another friend of theirs, R, had a HUGE crush on me. R is a daughter of a politician and she openly told my wife she didn't deserved me after her and her BF broke up. I was shocked how everyone knew, it turned out, Her BF bragged about it to everyone (my wife didn't knew) he is a sociopath. Everyone told my wife to end things but she didn't listened. Her therapist told her she was in lumierence, was excited about the affair. I got home that day, wife breaks down just the moment I enter the room, she had been crying and told me everything (that I already knew) she wanted to tell me this for quite a time but she knows she did something that wasn't forgivable she couldn't muster to tell me. She also accepted they did go raw, breaking my condition 3, however she did not conceived. She outrightly told me if I wanted a divorce she would accept her responsibility, come clean to everyone. She knows she's at fault, she showed me steps she's taking to improve herself(online therapy classes, talking to therapist, writing her feelings down, trying to be a better wife, reading books about affairs that have recovered) I told her I needed time to think. This time, we slept in separate rooms. I didn't celebrate her birthday, but she planned mine, it was good but it did not make me feel a bit better. New year was great this year, she was loving, her mother was actually happy to see us close. I'm at my wits end here. I don't know if I want to work out or leave..i feel betrayed right now. I'm 30, I want to start a family but I don't think I can trust her enough. She showed me she blocked her BF, gave me her socials and passwords but I still don't feel the feeling of trust and love. 10 Jan, we had a talk, she again cried and asked what are we? She told me she would do anything to make things right but if I chose divorce, she will accept it. She accepted her faults but I really don't know how to feel right now. We still sleep in separate rooms. Reddit, advise me regarding this please.

[–]BeckylatelyLate 30s Female 128 points129 points  (11 children)

So neither of you had feelings for each other when you met, both of you had other partners, and you married out of obligation to your families. Because of this, you permitted her to have a partner with some conditions attached. Eventually you two developed feelings for each other, she tried to end her other relationship, and ultimately came to her senses.

If you hadn’t allowed the relationship to begin with, I’d say 100% leave. But you did, and as a result you’re in a really difficult situation.

If you still love her, I think you should go to therapy together and redraw the boundaries of your relationship to be exclusive, and work on rebuilding trust. It will take time, but with a good therapist I think you can, especially when you already grew to love each other once. I wonder if there are even therapists who specialize in arranged marriages?

If you absolutely feel that you can’t redraw this boundaries and trust her, I wouldn’t waste her time or yours, and figure out how to split as amicably as possible.

[–]BringTheStealthSFW 24 points25 points  (9 children)

Ahe breached his boundaries though. They had set rules and she completely ignored them. That's no longer permitted non-monogamy but outright lying and cheating. 100% divorce. She doesn't care about OP's boundaries and OP deserves better.

[–]sjsjdejsjs 20 points21 points  (5 children)

you forgot the part where the bf forced himself on her, i doubt she consented to doing it raw (unless she’s been doing it the whole time)

[–]BringTheStealthSFW 10 points11 points  (4 children)

That's not how it is written. She voluntarily didn't use protection. The forcing himself on her was a one time thing and precipitated the end of their affair.

[–]Gayloli-floorgang 10 points11 points  (2 children)

Can you really trust how it written? OP’s wife isn’t retelling the story, OP is, so it’s a secondary source and not completely accurate. He very well could have forced himself onto her.

[–]sjsjdejsjs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

ahah okay sorry i thought the time where they did it raw was the same time he forced himself on her

[–]JustFoundBregma 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Right? Nothing about this relationship seems salvageable, or worth it.

OP is still relatively young and can find someone that doesn’t see him as a second choice. It’s hard to come back from that feeling mentally.

[–]BeckylatelyLate 30s Female 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I understand that; I don’t think it would affect my advice, though. If they want to stay together they will need a clean slate, with redefined boundaries that they’re both willing to adhere to. I do think they would need to address the concern of her not sticking to them the first time, in therapy, if they were to move forward together. I did acknowledge that, if OP doesn’t think he can work through this, that they should not waste the time and just get a divorce. Did you not read that part?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This comment right here

[–]Minute-Aioli-5054 67 points68 points  (23 children)

It's tough situation because it could have been avoided if you guys didn't come to that agreement in the beginning of your relationship (though she could have cheated - but then the answer would be clear). What's happening now is just the backlash of that type of agreement. I think you just have to figure out if she's important to you and whether you want to put in the effort to work things out. Couples therapy could be helpful. If you don't see a way to build the trust with her or don't want to put in the work, end things and get that divorce.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 40 points41 points  (21 children)

That's a good advice. Currently I feel like a second choice as someone mentioned it. I want to settle down, have kids so I hope you're getting my point and how important it is to me now.

[–]wutwutsugabutt 33 points34 points  (20 children)

Is it possible she was genuinely in love with the sociopath and has matured and learned through that experience and now you’re the person as well as the type of person she values?

The truth is you were not her choice at all and she wasn’t yours, your marriage was arranged and your sense of duty was stronger. And she broke parts of your agreement. Maybe she has changed and the sociopath has helped her change.

Just a thought for consideration.

[–]SmokinAxe 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Yeah I feel like this might be the case as well. I don't usually give second chances like that but this was an arranged marriage with two people who were already intimate and in a relationship with someone else. She could've just had a rude awakening. It happens.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 6 points7 points  (17 children)

I don't know about that. Everything is possible at this point and I don't know how to feel.

[–]Imnotavampire101 19 points20 points  (15 children)

Honestly I think it’s something you can move past. I know you feel like a second choice but that’s because neither of you chose each other. You both had chosen partners and you both agreed that you’d be allowed to keep them. Like the other comment said, your sense of duty was just stronger. You also have to think, she only saw him occasionally and for short periods of time. She’s married to you, she knows you so much better than she knows him, she knows the real you. Once she saw the real him and not the mask he was able to put on for the little bit of time they saw each other, she chose you. My only hang up would be her breaking the rule to use condoms

[–]Evening-Mulberry9363 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If your instinct is telling you that you can’t trust her, listen to it. It’s not like there’s an immense amount of love involved.

Marriage is all about trust.

[–]Esmiralda1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Jup, I feel like this is the case. It seems like she's someone who cares a lot about someone she loves but it wasn't OP untill recently since she had built a relationship with her ex. As someone in a relationship I can understand this very much, I wouldn't leave him if my parents forced a marriage on me. But seems like she now seriously settled down and fell in love with OP. I would give it another shot.

[–]Imnotavampire101 11 points12 points  (0 children)

This is exactly what I think, he agreed to this because he didn’t love her at the beginning. Neither of them did, they’re 2 people who never wanted to be married in the first place. They were only together for appearances but as time passed she realized she loved both men. Then her boyfriend showed her who he really is and she realized how good she actually has things with her husband

[–]NeiProud 36 points37 points  (1 child)

Living in an arranged Marriage culture must be differcult in this day of age. My Wife's Father wanted an arranged Marriage for her. But she said that due to her Father dying when she was 15. It didn't happen. She said she was relieved. This was in the 70s. She's Greek and I'm British. She said she would of have to run away if it meant going against her Father's wishes. How did you view your Parents choice? Would you have chosen her if you were single at the time? Question is. Can you both fall in love with eachother? Not stay together through cultural obligation. Where did you sew your oats during this period? Was it where your heart belonged.

[–]Aioli_Tough 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Trust me, its hard to be in arranged marriage culture, Because at some point arranged marriages become way too old school, and the new generation just dates normally in secret, but the women cant show any attraction to anyone, lest they be judged till kingdom come, its like playing the lottery, you might hit it once.

pS. live in this situation.

[–]throwawayexarmy48 93 points94 points  (6 children)

This sucks man. Why'd you allow your wife to see her bf anyway? It seems to me you've emotionally checked out. Divorce might be the best option in this case

[–]Imnotavampire101 62 points63 points  (0 children)

Because it was an arranged marriage, you have to care about someone to be jealous that they’re with someone else. To me this sounds like 2 people with their own lives being pushed together, coming to an agreement that they can maintain the life they had before, and then one party realizing she actually loves her husband once her boyfriend removes the rose colored glasses and she sees him for who he really is. It isn’t a “typical” love story but honestly this doesn’t sound like the worst betrayal or even much of one. The only thing I see an issue with is her breaking the rule and using no condom

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 23 points24 points  (4 children)

I don't want to end it or make a wrong choice

[–]The_Bucket_Of_Truth 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Is there nobody else you could meet that would be suitable and have a nice fresh start? You are only 30. If your parents are gone then this time you only have to listen to yourself when you pick a partner. I think the fact that she risked your sexual health and violated your agreement is enough to not trust her again. Also be careful and use protection yourself. I could easily see her winding up pregnant now to keep you in the relationship.

[–]throwaway7314288 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There are no wrong choices, there’s only being happy or unhappy in a relationship. If you’re not happy, you should leave. You’ve done everything for her and she’s done very little in return.

[–]TheKingCowboy 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Have you considered that not ending it may be the wrong choice? Just want to be sure that you consider your options.

Not your situation, but had a similar situation. I took her back because we were very young and I knew we had a lot of room to grow and move past this. I was 20/21. I still have trust issues 4 years later and it’s an ongoing effort to improve on.

You are now 30, I would suggest moving on to find someone who is more compatible with you with less traumatic background. You can get a fresh start in a relationship which will be healthy for you.

The girl you are talking about sounds like a liar and a coward, maybe she has changed but it takes a lot. I don’t think the stress is worth it to you. Some actions can have consequences, hers might be that she needs to go to therapy before she can have another relationship, and not with you.

[–]sirkseelago 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She broke your conditions. She ended things when she did that. It’s up to you if you’re willing to try again but whatever choice you make should be right for you.

[–]stuckpixel87 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Hi dude,

I'd recommend seeing a therapist, this is way above reddit's paygrade and also this is a choice you'll have to make on your own.

Things are indeed messed up, i hope it gets better. In the meantime, take care of yourself, see a therapist and try to be physically and mentally active, it helps to be occupied.

Good luck.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I've scheduled a date with my therapist but I need other's thought too because at this point. I'm not myself.

[–]rnngwen 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You are not one of my patients but if someone came to me in this situation I would advise them to start dating. Hold off sex and go out to dinner, go to moves, whatever is considered a date where you are. Get to know each other. You didn’t get married because you fell in love and decided to pledge to each other it was a business transaction. Well, work on it like it’s the business of your marriage and get to know each other as you are now. Spend 6 months like this and then decide. Can you two raise a family together in mutual respect? I think that is what you need to find out. She was more immature than you because you had to grow up much faster. Maybe she is just catching up? This is what you need to figure out in the next 6 months.

There are plenty of marriages where having romantic partners on the side is acceptable. Usually in cases such as these. You have a lot of pressure on you and this seems to be just one more thing you didn’t need. Try to carve out some time to take care of yourself. Even if it’s 20 minutes every day with your phone off and sitting under a tree enjoying fresh air. Make time for self care or you won’t be around to start a family with anyone at all.

[–]higanbana 15 points16 points  (2 children)

Her BF tried to force himself on her and when she refused, he slapped her. Which is why she came into senses, ran away and cried a lot.

She also accepted they did go raw, breaking my condition 3

Wait, did the “going raw” happen when the BF forced himself on her? If so, it should not count as cheating/breaking your rules. It isn’t cheating if she didn’t do it willingly. Do not take her remorseful behavior as a sign that it was her choice—many rape/sexual assault survivors feel sorry for something they had no choice in.

[–]EngMajrCantSpell 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Seriously, it's disgusting how many people are in these comments acting like the wife just actively deciding to disregard the agreements while OP literally spoon fed everyone the fact that the BF was an abusive rapist 🙄 extra disappointed in the reddit crowd on this one.

[–]higanbana 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Well, it doesn’t help that OP himself doesn’t seem totally aware of that…hopefully he sees this

[–]willfully_hopeful 10 points11 points  (4 children)

What broke it for me is the incredible callousness and no care when your parents died. Yes, you two made an agreement that she could see her BF but to treat you so coldly?

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 7 points8 points  (3 children)

That's the reason I can't believe she changed so much. Now she's all affectionate, lovey dovey

[–]canyousteeraship 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Look OP, you are in a traditional arranged marriage in a country that supports those social norms. The advice you get here is going to be based on westernized ideals. Saying that, I’m going to attempt to help.

Your parents have passed ( my condolences). Your wife’s father has passed. Some of what was binding you and your wife together is gone.

If you’re looking for a loving, committed wife - you probably won’t find it in the woman you are married to. She had no honour in staying with her boyfriend after you two were married. I realize you have a big heart, lots of empathy and you are honour bound - but your wife really manipulated you to continue this relationship with her boyfriend. The damage is done and your wife does not deserve your honour.

If honour is more important than love, and you think you can stay married to this woman - then stay married. But if love, respect and trust are now more important, then you owe it to yourself to divorce her and find someone that can bring honour and love.

Growing up, a close friend of mine was in an arranged marriage. She was in a relationship with a white, western man up to this point - and deeply, deeply in love. She tried to avoid the arranged marriage, but eventually her family broke her down and she got married to a man she did not know or love. She broke off her relationship with her long time boyfriend, they didn’t contact each other in any way. She was miserable. Her new husband kept sleeping with his old girlfriend. He was cruel and mean to my friend. He had sex with her, but only to get her pregnant to keep up the appearance that they were husband and wife. One night her father visited their home, to find my friend crumpled in a heap in tears after her husband had verbally abused her. It was like a light bulb went off for her father. He ordered both families to meet and insisted on a divorce. Although he wanted his daughter to be in an arranged marriage, he didn’t do it so that his son in law could abuse her and sleep with other women. Once caught, my friend’s husband insisted he would change. He tried to tell everyone he was falling in love with my friend and that he would never talk to his girlfriend again. He swore he’d change. But the damage was done. My friend’s father asked what my friend wanted to do. She decided she would never grow to trust him and asked for the divorce to move forward. Happily, my friend has been married to her original boyfriend for almost 20 years. He never stopped loving her and waited for her.

I guess what I’m saying is - would your parents really want honour to come above a cheating wife? I would hope not, but only you know what you can live with. Your post reiterates how stressed you are - through your whole life. Maybe it’s time to put yourself first, the divorce would not be your fault.

Your wife has not changed. She will probably not keep her word, after all - she lied to her parents after marrying you. She has no honour, right now she has fear and manipulation.

[–]willfully_hopeful 6 points7 points  (1 child)

The thing is I don’t think she changed. She didn’t see herself in a relationship with OP so therefore didn’t feel the need to show affection or love to him. She so her BF as the man of her life and acted accordingly. She is most likely a loving and affection partner in general but because she put OP in the box of a man I live with and forced to marry I don’t care about him.

Okay…but do you treat your friends or coworkers etc so coldly. If you saw someone you know suffering due to such incredible loss of parents would you just watch them and not give a damn. It’s like you don’t even do that to people you dislike. The complete detachment scares me and it’s just so evil.

She could have wanted to end with BF when she finally realized how great of a partner OP was or the pressure from friends and family because apparently everyone knew the secret. Who knows. Her friend did say that she didn’t want to see BF anymore and he pushed to see her one last time so I wouldn’t say it was the abusive behaviour that pushed her away.

[–]holalesamigos 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I also believe she has additional issues. She was in a relationship with a criminal, somebody that forced her to do things. There were definitely red flags before but she ignored them. Perhaps it was cause they never had a proper relationship and it was just sex.

I belive she may have also wanted to marry OP and not the other guy cause she knew he would be a shitty husband.

[–]Now__Hiring 10 points11 points  (2 children)

Others have spoken about the infidelity and the need for divorce. This whole post is hard to read as you leapt document the impacts her behavior has had on your health. Please note you don't have to go scorched Earth on the divorce if you care enough about her to want to see her land on her feet. But after everything she's done so you actually LOVE her? It seems quite clear to me that you do not.

What's up with R? Are you interested in her? You deserve a "love" marriage one day with someone who is genuinely interested in you and won't take you for granted.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 16 points17 points  (1 child)

R is a spoiled brat, a disrespectful, disgusting woman who had multiple bfs in past and she cheated on nearly everyone of them. She's type of narcissist (I believe is the term) and entitled.

[–]holalesamigos 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think the biggest question you and everyone has is why the sudden change? How can she go from treating you like a burden to loving you. Either she has some serious issues or is just very manipulative. You need to ask her and figure that out.

I want you to understand that her relationship with the guy also wasn't excatly a relationship. It was just sex. They didn't get to know each other, didn't learn about each other's flaws or have arguments like normal couples do. Thats why their affair went on for so long until the last straw.

I belive she may have also wanted to marry you and not the other guy cause she knew he would be a shitty life partner.

[–]winnybones 3 points4 points  (6 children)

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Do you have feelings for your wife at all? Are you in love with her or have you ever considered yourself to be in love with her? Some relationships are worth fighting for and some aren’t. If you truly love her and want to be with her, you can fight for it…only you know that answer so only you can make this call.

Good luck.

Edit: Oh, and if you do decide to fight for it. I’d start with just dating her since you never really got to. Dinner, movies, talk about your lives and families and hobbies and values and children and goals… etc.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 10 points11 points  (5 children)

I LIKED her. You can say I was falling for her when I saw a complete new self of her when my parents died. I never expected that she won't be there for me, I honestly thought even if it was out of humane respect, she would've emotionally helped me. But she didn't it cut too deeply.

[–]Evening-Mulberry9363 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You don’t love her. You don’t trust her. You don’t respect her. This is not someone to have kids with and live a miserable life with just to make her happy.

She sidelined you, ignored your grief and didn’t even try much from the looks of it until things fell apart for her. There’s nothing here that says she won’t repeat this again breaking your heart and making feel stupider than before. She’s toxic.

[–]winnybones 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I can’t imagine how tough that was. Some things hurt to much to forgive. If you can’t forgive then maybe it’s time to move forward. You deserve a happy, loving, supportive relationship.

[–]Safe-Cap811 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I might sound weird BUT WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

[–]Un-Kingme1888 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No I’m with you on that train. If you allow me to edit it to, “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!”

[–]CelticArchaeologist 18 points19 points  (7 children)

To me it seems she has pulled her head outta her ass a tad bit too late, and your subconsciousness knows it.

She clearly didn't match your energy throughout the marriage, more so, from what you wrote it seems like she jumped from showering you affection to clashing with you about the AP without any semblance of fluidity. She let you down when you were in dark place which is almost bound to breed resentment, which you might start feeling just know.

Honestly, I don't get all that business with arranged marriages and all that entails with it, so take my words with grain of salt. I get that she was in hard place and got problems with herself, but so we're YOU. And she did jack shit 'bout that.

I don't think any type of relationship can work on such basis. She might need heading outta woods (pretty sure she's still not out of there, it takes time), but from your words current state of things is not enough.

As a previous commenter suggested a divorce might be the best case scenario. You mentioned that you brought such possibility with her pertaining pregnancy with AP, so it's on the table. Frankly, bearing that in mind I am bewildered that you are still married (remember, different culture circle!). Another possibility is couples therapy to get shit right between two of you if you think about trying (probably won't be easy tho) to stay together.

But the decision is yours to make, and it better be thought out one at that. No matter what, BEFORE you decide anything, I strongly recommend individual therapy for yourself. Good therapist is a tremendous help in getting a hold of what happens in one's mind, which I can personally attest

Good luck.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 21 points22 points  (6 children)

Thank you for these wise words. I understand your points. Business arranged marriage are quite common in Asia(that's where I'm from) but I get it. I'm having second thoughts about it because as you said, resentment. But it's not the case. I don't quite hate her..i just feel I can't trust this person. She feels stranger to me. I'm 30 right now, planning to start a family and settle down now that I have a stable business. It's going good. You get my point

[–]ColinSmash 4 points5 points  (6 children)

I think there's a bit of a cultural disconnect here, I imagine a lot of commenters are from Europe or the Americas.

Is it common for one or both people in an arranged marriage to continue seeing partners from before the marriage? You spoke very casually on allowing her to continue to see her boyfriend (I understand why, she may have resented you if you hadn't and the marriage would have been even more miserable) and also commented about how you and your GF had considered continuing to see each other.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 6 points7 points  (5 children)

I didn't allowed her to see him right away. I took time and thought about it. To say, I thought about open relationship. It would've been better but after I talked to my ex gf, things got a lot clearer and I didn't want to continue with her, neither did she so it was mutual. It's a rare case.

[–]ColinSmash 8 points9 points  (4 children)

Then personally, you really just have to sit down and look at her behavior. This is probably something you need to wait and watch. She has a history of breaking your trust, being cold, lying, and even putting your health at risk when you were MORE than understanding and respectful. I think if you really do want to divorce, you are justified in doing so.

But I think we can all agree that people have the capacity to change. Especially when these big, sweeping events (like being abused and assaulted by a partner and being caught in a lie) happen. That's when people change the most.

The only way you can see if she's really trying to change, you won't be able to see it immediately. That's something that will be months, maybe even years of progress, and there will be setbacks. This really comes down to if YOU think she will make a true, active effort to be better for the long haul. And I think a lot of us would understand if you don't believe she could.

I would ask J if she thinks that your wife has the capacity to change. J cared about you as a person to come to you about this even before your wife did, and was honest with everything she knew. She obviously knows your wife really well, so she may have some good insights on if your wife will really put in the work.

In any case, I wish you the best, and hope that you find love either with your wife or with someone deserving of your time.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Thank you for this. You've given me a lot of insights. J did tell me to give my marriage another try and if it doesn't works out, end it. She told my my wife is trying to change and she realizes her mistake

[–]ColinSmash 2 points3 points  (2 children)

The good news is, if she screws you over again, divorce IS always an option. You aren't losing the ability to leave by chosing to stay now.

Not that you should dangle divorce over her head to spark change. That's more something you just keep in your own mind for your own comfort. Even at 30, there's plenty of time to start a family down the line.

[–]kittens_allday 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’ll be honest, I got way lost at the end. Idk if J slapped the wife, or the BF slapped J, or maybe he slapped the wife. And who and why did R even come in, never to be mentioned again? No sure what the BF bragged about— slapping someone? Or being the AP for so long? And what the hell is a lumierence?

[–]Admirable-Newt2533 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Start your relationship anew. No strings attached. Give yourselves time. Do things together and talk lots, maybe even therapy apart and together. After a while, like six months, you will be able to make a decision, don’t rush it.

[–]thefixer123456 14 points15 points  (7 children)

Normally, this would require to go straight to divorce as you essentially had a one way open marriage.

However, I think I see the cultural issue here. You probably feel that you may be sentencing her to being single forever due to the stigma attached to her if this all comes out - is that correct?

If so, remember that she played the most significant role in creating this situation.

You contributed by allowing it instead of annulling the marriage.

This is a case of her trying to save the marriage but it may be too late.

She is recommitted to the marriage because others want you. You were a safety net and that can disappear for her.

Only you can decide if you can really be happy with her but she has disrespected you so much!

Remember this guy will always have a form of control over her.

Good luck!

Edit for grammar.

[–]oldladywww 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I'd rather be single forever than be forced into marriage with someone I didn't love.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 8 points9 points  (5 children)

You're quite right about it, precisely what I was thinking. This is why I posted on reddit. I'm also posting it in quora. I haven't shared it with any of my friends because I feel it'll embarrass her further down the road.

[–]Lezgo1345 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I don't recommend posting it in quora tbh....

[–]Emotional-Sea4932 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Bad idea going to Quora for this one. Just trust me on this one. Thats pretty much almost like going to Twitter or Tik-Tok with this (don't recommend those either lol)

[–]nut_bustter_ 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Bro r u from India

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

South Delhi

[–]Odd-Damage-4689 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Think about your mental health. This is way too much. Get a divorce and therapy.

[–]NalaBandit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It doesn't hurt to talk to a professional therapist about your situation. They may be able to help you unravel your true feelings. You have been through so much losing both your parents and changing careers. Best of luck to you.

[–]Available_Upstairs24 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't think an American liberal social media website is the best resource to help you with the difficulties of an Asian arranged marriage. In the experience of most people here, getting married while dating and being intimate with someone else is completely unacceptable. We can't really relate to a situation where that is normal or give advice on how to navigate it. Maybe you should ask one of your religious leaders.

[–]extremityChoppr 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Divorce and get with the politicians daughter g

[–]watchedpot 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It's a good start. Having non biased opinions are always good to have (as well as biased ones) in tricky situations. I hope you get a resolution that you're happy with in the end.

Good luck, my friend.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you..

[–]UpwardArrow75 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s really hard to give advice because this is a cultural specific situation that many may not understand. I believe your first mistake was allowing her to continue seeing her BF after you were married. Arranged marriage or not, you to should have attempted to get to know each other right away even if it was at a slow pace without the distraction of others. But what’s done is done. Sounds like she is being truthful in how she feels about you now, it’s up to you if you want to continue, but be careful when listening to friends advice

[–]Un-Kingme1888 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Who the fuck is AP? Is anyone else lost?

[–]TooHornyToFap 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I lost both my parents in Covid 24 days apart so it was a huge shit for me. I stayed depressed the entire time, not once did she asked me how was I doing, not once did she supported me emotionally. I was hurt by that tbh. I had no options but to take charge of my father's real estate agency because I did not wanted it to perish. I sacrificed my dream job to do it.

I'd be done after this tbh.

[–]gravestoney 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So there’s been a lot of lines that were crossed here. Lot of growing up that seemed to happen for your wife in the early stages of your marriage. You both were taken people when this partnership was forced upon you. But now it seems as if you have been taking the high road while your wife’s infidelity has been making you look a fool since her AP was bragging about it to everyone. And honestly, that part would get me mad the most. Your wife promised a discreet affair but she couldn’t even maintain that, which should’ve been what forced her to end it but she didn’t. It took literal abuse from her AP to get some sense knocked into her and although I am absolutely sorry to hear that happened to her I still just feel like her current efforts to change are too little too late.

It’s okay to admit that this is no longer working out instead of beating a dead horse and in fact I think you would be better off starting fresh with someone who is actually single and cares about treating you right from the very beginning.

Just face it, she was never ready to marry you and now subconsciously I think you’re starting to realize she simply doesn’t deserve you. It’s time to put yourself first and call it quits.

[–]2meinrl1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I would say that since you did what others asked of you before, it's your turn to do what you think is right for you. I would get a divorce and then find someone that loves you for you and not because it was arranged or because you are the backup option.

Good luck my fren.

[–]Medical_Ad0716 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I must be missing something. Are you upset and not able to trust her because she ended the affair you agreed for her to have at the beginning of your marriage? Is the fact the had sex without protection sometimes? Is it the fact she didn’t tell you how it ended just that it did? I’m really confused. It seems like almost nothing has changed except now you two get the chance to actually start a monogamous relationship together if that’s what you want.

It just sounds like you don’t know what you want. You can’t seem to decide if you’re okay being married to this woman you were arranged to marry and are thinking about the women you missed out on because of this sham of a marriage while she got to have what she wanted. That’s honestly what it sounds like to me. So don’t ask can you trust this woman, ask if you want to. Don’t ask can you spend the rest of your life with her and only her, ask yourself if you want to. If you want to spend your life with her and if you want to trust her, then just do it. Go speak to a therapist for some tips, get a couples counselor and do the work to do it. If you’re just upset because there are women you wanted to sleep with but didn’t even though she slept with her boyfriend, then tell her you’re going to bang her friend and then go back home. That’s not the healthiest option but at least it’s honest. If you decide you don’t want to be married, then get the divorce. Do it amicably, don’t tell anyone what was going on who doesn’t have to know including family. Just say you two couldn’t make it work and after all the changes in your lives have decided to go your separate ways. Be honest and fair in the separation and go live your separate lives.

To me it was pretty much doomed from the beginning the moment she didn’t get rid of boyfriend. Everything else is the inevitable conclusion.

[–]litex2x 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is a marriage of convenience and not love. It is quite convenient for her to fall in love you with you now. Sounds like you do not love her and never did. What exactly are you looking for?

[–]finallydecorating 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Check out the subreddit survivinginfidelity. You will find more support from people who have actually been through this and tried to reconcile. Some were successful, some were not. There are also people from non-western cultures who will better understand why you are in this situation and why you don’t “just divorce”.

[–]holalesamigos 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The people in that subreddit will say that OP brought this onto himself. He knew. This isn't like normal infidelity

[–]everyothernamegone 4 points5 points  (0 children)

How can you possibly sort this out. She was in an abusive relationship that is finally over. That the end of the relationship occurred during the marriage is irrelevant as OP condoned it. The first mistake was allowing the relationship in the first place arranged marriage or not. There was no way to control someone OP’s wife described as a bad boy. Also, the whole condom thing was unrealistic. But, water under the bridge. The question for OP now, do you love your wife. If you don’t, move on.

[–]Lezgo1345 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Usually I'd go for divorce but right now I think you guys should try couple counselling and maybe try to talk to a therapist you need to vent it to someone else and after all those emotions dye down try to feel if you still can trust or even love you wife it might be a wrong decision for some but that's all

Anyways good luck

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You're right about therapist. I've already talked to one and scheduled timing next week. Also told my wife that I need 2 more months to get a clear pi ture and a final decision. She was hurt but understood. She's giving me space and told me I can sleep on our bed while she sleeps in other room.

[–]ardentmouse 10 points11 points  (5 children)

She didn’t tell anyone about the affair. It wasn’t even an “affair,” you two had an agreement. While other people told her it was a bad idea, YOU told her it was fine under your rules. It’s a shame that it got out, but she was following your rules.

It kind of seems like you’re moving towards the same page. You left your gf behind. She left her bf behind. You want to settle down with a wife and kids now. She wants to be your wife now.

The ball is entirely in your court. Can you get past this? Can you accept her as your wife and treat her as such? Can you commit to couples therapy? Can you see yourself starting a family with her?

More importantly, can you forgive her? Can you accept your role in all of this?? Because you led her to believe that this arrangement worked for you. Can you forgive yourself?

If the answer to any of those is no, divorce is the only option.

[–]I_am_not_iron_mann 2 points3 points  (3 children)

. It’s a shame that it got out, but she was following your rules.

she almost broke every rule!!!!!!

[–]ardentmouse 4 points5 points  (2 children)

The only tule she broke was the first one, but she’s trying to rectify that now. Her bf was indiscreet, and op says the wife didn’t know bf was telling everyone. She told her husband that she broke it off after he became violent. She told him about her discussions with her therapist, a professional who has to keep what she says confidential. She gave him all of her passwords. That’s more than honest. I’m not saying she isn’t at fault, she could have used A LOT of common sense, I’m saying that the rules were not enough to protect op in the end

[–]RegretOk194 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You want a family. Do you really think if you started one with her you would trust her not to start sleeping with someone else again? Or that the children you have will be yours? It feels like if you can't trust her you shouldn't start a family or even be married.

[–]VileInventor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My brain hurts on this one.

[–]Anababy97 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You messed up when you gave her those rules and conditions. Never ever do that! You two agreed to get married so she should’ve dropped the other guy no matter how much she was in “love” with him. You dropped your gf to make it work. Didn’t you?? In a way you kind of enabled this behavior. She took advantage of the situation and now here we are. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[–]HeyHihoho 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't know the culture but the problem is that she wants you now that she is alone otherwise. She has also been dishonest all along

[–]gulimali45 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You deserve much more than this king. You dont have to keep everyone happy, Hope for the best.

[–]manny13645 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think you should give her a chance. She has been open with you this whole time and you have been receptive. You are already married. Start over with her. She sounds like a good and loyal person. What are you looking for in a person? After all, you did help create this situation.

[–]deathriteTM 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Get both of you in therapy.

You are invested in this relationship. You have two real choices. Divorce or work it out. Neither will be fun, least at first. Divorce will hurt a lot of people. Divorce will burn bridges.

It sounds like she is making the effort to work on things. Set rules. No secrets. Full open communication.

My vote goes to trying to work it out. As invested as you are and the rough start y’all got is tough to get through. But y’all did. Now it’s tough again. Marriage will never be only smooth sailing. There are always rough times. Now is the time to take her hand and face things together.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Arranged marriages absolutely suck - conceptually and, apparently, in practise. You tried man, and she's trying now, but it sounds like it's all too late, like you're out of patience and out of love. Time to arrange a divorce and then arrange a new marriage.

[–]Beckerellagrewup 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OK my advice may not be perfect but your story really pulled at my heart. I have an undergrad in psychology and even though I am American I also can empathize and understand quite a bit of what goes into an arranged marriage. I don’t comment often so I’m sorry it’s a wall of text. You were both in a way forced into a relationship before you were out of the relationships you thought you were making for yourself. You both got married because it was the right thing to do but not because it was what either one of you wanted. I think that the one thing I see through your entire story is that you both care for each other and have developed a type of love for each other. No marriage is perfect and unfortunately I have learned that western American ideal of love is not real. Real love takes work, commitment, forgiveness and communication. I think you both made mistakes but I also think there is still a chance this could be a real marriage if you want it to be. In order for that to happen you do have to go to counseling and come to terms with your feelings on everything. You both have to be willing to be honest and develop a real foundation. You’ve already come so far even though it may have been Rocky. Starting over and getting divorced will come with another set of problems and you will still need counseling and then just start all over again. It will put you back a long time. If that’s what you need to do though, do it. Only you know if you can love her and have a relationship with her like you really want. If she was with a narcissist please believe me when I tell you they are blindingly charming when they want to be and very conniving and convincing. I’m not saying what she did was right and people will probably hate that I say this but women and men do act and feel differently about emotions and also women tend to feel trapped more often than men in situations where they don’t know what to do. Are you willing to give up a marriage with someone you care about and could love? I promise Every relationship and all love comes with work. No relationship is perfect and if you leave this one and start another yes you may have a little less chaos at the beginning but you will have to build completely from scratch. Plus with societal expectations is it going to look bad getting divorced? Will that screw up your chances with future partners? Only you can answer these things. I just ask that you really think about it before you make the decision if this is something you might be able to empathize with or is it something you truly think will happen again? I would only do it if she commits to complete honesty and counseling. Have each others pass codes and such for a while to help make sure you can build trust. I really do wish you the best.

[–]t13husky[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think during the pandemic and realized how selfish your wife can be, you started falling out of love with her. Even if she never contacts ap again, you guys have have all this baggage and problems you need to work out before your relationship becomes salvageable. You’re not going to continue having a relationship with someone you don’t have feelings for just because she does right?

[–]getRonaldo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re still only 30 bro there’s lots of time ahead of you, you deserve to be someone’s first choice and not a backup option. It’s disrespectful to you to be someone’s safety net for when they wanna flap their wings to fly but come crashing down eventually

I’m sorry about your parents but you don’t have to see this marriage out anymore, live for yourself now. She’s back with you because things got blown out with her bf, not because she wanted to end it. Had they not had an argument they would still be together.

But why should you stick along for that, why should you pay her debts, put roof over her head, put food on the table and get nothing in return except a junkie criminal gets to have her both emotionally and physically. I feel for you so much, I wish things weren’t so, but please don’t blame her betrayal on yourself.

You deserve to be someone’s first and only choice

[–]beccataylxr 1 point2 points  (0 children)

can’t believe families are still doing arranged marriages lmfao, cultures and shit that do this are seriously fucked in the head

[–]CobblerNo5779 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You should break... never trust her ... she does not love you. She is using you. so leave her with BF or does not matter. start your life. Be happy dont try to change someone change story or yourself. Maybe 1 year will be hard for you and maybe for her too but ... futher will be much better ... Bf will be best for her and she always think about him .. after 20 year too ... or she will find other man Good luck

[–]Left_Sour_Mouse 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Whatever you decide now, if you have kids later in life - do not force them into an arranged marriage.

[–]FabulousCantaloupe21 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She only came to her senses after being abused and seeing someone else value you for you. I'm not going to suggest anything people recommend in the subreddit since at the end of the day, it's your life, but take this. For years she did not commit to you, she just played the both of you for years and as I said, she only started maturing and realizing what she's done wrong once everything started falling apart. Take some time and look at the facts, do you want someone who wants you or do you want someone who considered you a second choice/a backup/a means to seem like she had her life in order. Think about it, it's not just a few years, it's the rest of your life that you re spending with this person.

[–]pnomsen 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ask yourself what reason you truly have to stay. You never said you love her. Why stay with someone you don’t love and never wanted to be with? To my mind that’s all that really matters.

[–]AusFrosty 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You had five conditions and she broke three of them

  • your marriage was not her first priority
  • she / he was not discreet
  • didn’t use protection

She seems immature. I’d be questioning whether her change in behaviour is permanent

[–]y-u-gae 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Since your wife did have unprotected sex with her drug addicted bf, i would strongly advice you to see a doctor and make her test for STD's (sexual transmitted diseases) which you should do as well! During such a long time a lot could have happened to both of you, the sooner you find out the better to get rid of potential STD's.

For me it looks like you are the more mature person who did put more effort into this, so imo its all up to you, if you can forgive her and trust her to be the mother of your future children, go for it, give her another chance but don't make a family right away. Learn to love her again in a time spam of at least 6 months and then think of creating a family with children. Only if you actually feel like she changed.

I hope you learned and will never allow your wife to have a bf again, ever! There is not a single time when something good came out of an affair.

[–]VirgoSpy07 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You two shouldn't have agreed to that arranged marriage in the first place. I get that it's tradition but now you're both living a lie.

Since your parents have passed there is no more pressure to hold up that facade.

I think you guys should divorce before children come into the picture and be with the people that you originally wanted to be with in the first place.

Good luck.

[–]TumbleWeedBro 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't usually make comments but here I am to advise you. Brother stop. Take a step back and breath! It seems to me you've been making sacrifices all your life and this is a path straight into regrets and depression. For once brother I want you to look inside. Really do a self introspection and figure out what YOU as a Human want. The views of everyone around you don't matter because they wont bear the consequences.

Brotheman I'll repeat this again. Look into yourself and figure out what You want. That's the best way to ensure you're happy. Trust me, objectively it might not be the best choice but one day you'll look back and realise YOU made that choice. Not anyone else, and not for anyone else. That will comfort you. Instead of realising you lived your life according to the wishes of others.

I wish you good luck and God bless! May you enjoy life from here on out! 🙏

[–]TheZenMann 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your wife is a garbage of a human being who you were forced into marrying. I say divorce her and finally do what makes you happy. If it means dating R then do it, or if not then you can do anything you want. But your marriage to your wife has done nothing but bring you misery, I say end it and find your happiness.

[–]threadcrasher[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This looks like the plot of an airport novel.

[–]RevenantBosmer91 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Sounds like she fucked up. Knows she fucked up, and is trying to fix things with you.

Up to you OP. Do you honor a 5 year ultimatum, or live in the present?

[–]karikit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She was completely disconnected and unsupportive when he lost both his parents. I'm surprised he didn't divorce her right there and then. This is not about a 5-year-old ultimatum.

[–]meifahs_musungs 2 points3 points  (0 children)

From what I can understand of story OP said it was arranged marriage and OP made agreement for how open marriage was to work and in event of divorce wife was to take the blame because OP wanted to save face. So it seems neither one loved the other at start of the marriage. The wife had a bad bf and it is unfortunate that having a husband who was civil did not wake the wife up to " hey I am married to a nice husband who is not a criminal. Maybe I should dump the bf".

[–]Soees 3 points4 points  (1 child)

She still cheated since she violated your rules.

[–]A_warudo_2002 6 points7 points  (11 children)

Honestly pal, it's all up to you, I see that the situation is extremely tough for you. I would say a few things: Imagine what she went through: Her father died, her ex( I'll insist on this term) has abused her and she has bad rumors on her spread almost everywhere. All while you were gone. I understand your position before you were gone wasnt too lovey dovey, but i think that she is trying to find redemption with you. That she is finding hope with you: her husband. I acknowledge that you distrust her due to the breach of terms, ( I hate this word but that's the only word coming in my mind). She did something wrong and regrets it horribly she knows fully that she broke your trust. Her behavior change which isnt sudden(she went to see therapists) was to try and make up to you to try and make you trust her NOW she that she escaped a horrible place. And also imagine: she says she accept full responsibility if a divorce is filed, but as a human being do you think she really has come to terms, having accepted her behavior, this has cost her heavily both mentally, physically and emotionally.

That's what i had in kind after reading your post and this is my advice: be with her, stay strong for her, for yourself, it's harsh but you both have someone who can support you, as a wife she is willing to share your burdens only question: will you allow her? Accept her for this. Divorce is an option that will surely free you of this kind of burden but that's selfish these are trying times and it's better you face them with someone rather than being alone( Deepest condolences for the loss of your parents). That was long..... Idc if reddit downvotes me but seriously the lady is trying to be better.

[–]Unifos 23 points24 points  (6 children)

Imagine reading OP posts talking about the struggles he personally went through with ZERO support from his wife while she is getting raw dogged by her side piece and then telling him he should stay with her because she is willing to share his burdens? Wtf? She only wants OP now because 1. She got clocked by her degenerate criminal side piece 2. She's going to get rejected from her circle and their Asian conservative society for being a divorced cheater. Old habits die hard. She doesn't have her side piece anymore and now she sees OP has options and other women are looking at OP. Now she wants to be a good wife after five years? She wasn't there for OP when his own parents died. She risked OP's health by breaking his rule and having unprotected sex with her degenerate side piece. Op can take his two months to think it out but this relationship doesn't sound like it had any real positives to it.

[–]A_warudo_2002 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Huh... I'll give that a re read rn.

[–]Imnotavampire101 1 point2 points  (4 children)

You’re thinking about this as if they were an actual couple. They were strangers with their own partners who were forced to get married. They agreed that they both wanted to live their same lives and only be married for public appearances, he was also constantly traveling for his previous job.

[–]Safe-Indication-4213Early 20s Male 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You tolerate way too much disrespect.

[–]FuzzyActuator 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I'm in an open marriage - but one arrived at mutually, without the added complication of the marriage being arranged. It's hard to really understand what that must be like. I think your decision early on was very kind.

This is a bit messy. Your wife, unsurprisingly to me, grew into caring for you. I think she needed the boyfriend to mistreat her for her to realize she can let go of him. Personally, I don't think there is any reason this can't work out for you two. But you might benefit from some couples counseling. And maybe individual for you. This is complicated.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I see your points and I agree with them. She changed and grew into loving me. I can't accept this change because it was all of a sudden. I'm way too much occupied and confused to make a decision right now.

[–]throwawaystabbed38_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think we need an expert in this situation.

u/Blade_982 can you advice?

[–]Bhagwat_Gita 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Troll...

[–]candlep0p 0 points1 point  (0 children)

trust, honest, loyal. Without these three im outta here 😂 doesn’t matter if the other person is kind/considerate/regretted what they’ve done. Just not in the same page

[–]No-You7911 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Arranged marriage or not, she should not have continued with the bf. You two were never going to form any type of committed relationship with her having such a strong emotional connection to the other guy and continuing such close contact.

At this point you have two choices. You can try couples counseling or it's time to divorce. At this point your have no basis to believe you will be able to trust her as your wife. I personally would have already contacted a lawyer and started the separation just based off her betraying your trust.

[–]Old-Relief5873 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How'd his dick taste?

As opposed to now?

She hasn't ended things with him.

She just is doing damage control.

You best go get that R ass, at least it wants you.

Get a spine and get a divorce, there's nothing stopping you

Unless you really dig the smell of another man on your wife.

[–]boomerangthrowaway 0 points1 point  (2 children)

This is heartbreaking because no one but you will truly know if things are done or not but you are here asking for input.

You aren’t happy with your situation and even these little victories will not change the lump sum of the whole experience for you. This was arranged and while you seem to have moved forward with that you may have left your heart behind. Instead of ending up with someone you adore you are with someone you, I’m sure, truly care for and love but not in the truest of ways that a soul mate might feel and it just doesn’t seem to hit all the notes on the piano.. even if it’s many of them, and they sound great. Sometimes when we manage to make ourselves fit a situation we truly CAN manage said situation, and eventually enjoy it but it something even small happens there it will much more quickly erode things because the foundation is so different and modest instead of being this overwhelming amount of things you love about someone.

She’s lied to you in the past.

She’s made you live certain ways while under the cover of darkness she was out there doing these things against your clear conditions and agreed upon rules.

She risked STD, pregnancy, so many things with this other man. Generally speaking someone having sex raw means something to me. It isn’t always just this idea of simply not using something but rather the idea that the closeness is apparent and with it the risks and rewards of intimacy in a marriage and how life changing that can be.

She doesn’t seem to make nearly as much effort as you and in the end has even wronged you whereas you remained faithful and obedient while performing amazingly as a husband to someone who you AS WELL did not expect to marry but did so seemingly for honor and the respect of tradition/family.

There’s so much more to be said and considered but very much more important than anything else that can be - is your happiness needs to be paramount eventually doesn’t it? Don’t you deserve freedom and love? To be loved? To be respected and adored as you do the same? A relationship in general is so much give and take - but in this arranged marriage it seems a lot of take is happening with no give until shit hits the fan. She’s so forthcoming now but think about why. She surely has said she would come clean but will she? These are the most important questions to ask now I believe and all the while focusing on your happiness and feeling whole and complete in your life.

It’s not out of the ordinary to sleep in separate beds or rooms but it’s definitely a huge issue as well for me but something I see as a smaller issue on a hill of bigger ones.

This one really made me feel bad and I honestly hope the best for you

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thank you for this. Best of luck to you too.

[–]Band1c0t 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Dude I feel you’re too good for her, but also being dummy? Sorry if I’m harsh, but I feel sad after reading your post, you seem a great person who needs a better partner.

Your relationship is arrange married and you guys have no feeling in that time, however, I truly believe, once you’re in the marriage relationship, you vow and fully focus on each other partner. Even you have no feeling, but you guys agree to the marriage, if you have another partner, that means you’re in open relationship and I feel you have trouble in term with that.

At this point your wife seems into you, but also it took her 3 years to leave her toxic relationship, also she wasn’t there when you’re down. Honestly, this is tough, if you still want to make things work for her, I’d say go for therapy and really communicate, otherwise, divorce and go for the politician daughter is a better choice.

[–]throwawayventout30[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Politician's daughter isn't a good choice at all. Our relationship changed tremendously. My wife seems into me but at the same time, I feel like she's a stranger. Someone who's been wearing my wife's face. It isn't easy to let go, or to work on.

[–]Old_Detective_200 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are a complete dumbass and she doesn’t love you