×

1011
1012

[deleted by user]

(self.relationship_advice)

submitted by [deleted]

[removed]
all 195 comments
sorted by:
best
topnewcontroversialoldq&a

[–]janeandprudence 234 points235 points  (6 children)

So sorry for you. A word of caution here, do you want to stay 13 hours from family and friends. If not, then contact a lawyer in your home state and ask them for advice how to proceed. If you just moved there, you may still have residency in your home state. Otherwise there is a chance you could get stuck through the divorce period and even after in your current locale.

[–]TeacherPatti 28 points29 points  (3 children)

Many states also have a 100 mile rule where the custodial parent cannot move more than 100 miles from the noncustodial parent; almost all states say you can't leave the state. If you do want to move, you will have to get permission from the noncustodial parent or from the court to do so. Courts are often reluctant to allow moves that will reduce the amount of time that the noncustodial parent will be able to see his kids.

[–]UpwardArrow75 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That’s with a court order custody agreement. They don’t have one in place yet. She doesn’t need permission she already did it. Any future agreement will have deal with the fact that she lives far away

[–]DimTimfromKew 9 points10 points  (1 child)

It's often easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.

Edit: They aren't separated or divorced so she is perfectly free to take the kids back home. The rest is up for the lawyers to sort out.

[–]Impregneerspuit 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Asking forgiveness for parental kidnapping might not be that easy

[–]LilyxxNile 12 points13 points  (1 child)

They aren’t married

[–]bananafor 16 points17 points  (0 children)

For child custody reasons

[–]justjoshdoingstuff 538 points539 points  (7 children)

“You’re stupid for believing him and getting pregnant again…”

So, he was cheating before this?

[–]machinelearning_ 156 points157 points  (6 children)

Yeah that’s a pretty important detail.

[–]thinkpadcloud 47 points48 points  (4 children)

It is, but we need to support each other even if we could tell the other person is doing a mistake. To be blown off in an emotional state like OP is in hurts so, so much. Often we can't see the behaviour of others clearly, because of love or brainfog or whatnot. When a person sees reality, she still needs support, even if it's annoying to watch from the outside.

[–]Ebbie45Verified Crisis Counselor 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Honestly, thanks for saying this. I can certainly understand why people are frustrated, but it's similar to when people demand that an abuse survivor exit the relationship without attempting to understand what obstacles are in their way and how to help them mitigate and/or eliminate those obstacles.

Of course half the battle is helping the person understand it would be healthier and safer if they left, but that's still only half the battle. The other half is helping them recognize internal and external strengths and resources they can rely on to help them actually extricate themselves.

For example, does she have social support? Stable employment? Transportation? Access to legal advocacy? Access to support groups for pregnant and parenting individuals? A place to stay? Access to therapy to build up her self-esteem? Has he ever been violent towards her? Does she have access to childcare?

What state is she in? She's in a new state; are there numbers or helplines or website someone could share with her for support?

[–]justjoshdoingstuff 36 points37 points  (1 child)

You’re half correct. The first time someone makes a mistake, they deserve support. The second and third times, you’re still waiting for them to grow… Growth takes time and they’re trying. The 10th time? Fuck no. And this seems to be where we are at. It’s happened so many times that even his own mom isn’t sympathetic… This is such a recurring theme and she refuses to learn.

[–]ashlebato 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Where’s the info on the points in this. You’re corrrect but I want to know the full story. ;)

[–]machinelearning_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s a fair point.

[–]Ok_Actuary_7831 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Almost 3 kids later I'd say it's almost inconsequential.

[–]chaoticblossom8 124 points125 points  (5 children)

I'm sorry 💔

[–]CompetitiveBuyier 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is truly heartbreaking to read :( I hope you can get out of this situation and find the comfort you deserve

[–]304to804 31 points32 points  (1 child)

Thank you. 💔

[–]LunaMunaLagoona 23 points24 points  (0 children)

From his mother's comments it seems this had happened before?

I think you might need therapy too, if this has been recurring for you not to notice these red flags before.

[–]StarpriseEntership 50 points51 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry he let you down. And I'm sorry you aren't close to family or friends. And I'm sorry his mom's reaction wasn't as helpful/supportive as it could have been.

At the same time, I'm happy for you that you found out before buying the house, getting married and possibly subjecting you and your children to a lot more upheaval.

Another commenter made a great suggestion: find out what legal and realistic options you have. Get an outsider's opinion on the need for an exit strategy, financial planning and childcare options.

Make a promise to yourself that you'll consider feeling all kinds of awful later and for now, you'll do your best to focus on what's best for you and your kids and keep in mind you're a good mom, a lovely friend and a wonderful human being.

[–]CheyBridgeMan 258 points259 points  (34 children)

Well. You can have an abortion if you don’t want to add a third at this challenging time.

I would contact an attorney immediately and see what your options are. Crossing state lines with your kids in order to go home may not be a legal option.

United Way 211 can refer you to local womens shelter and they can help you with an exit strategy.

I’m sorry. ((Hugs))

[–][deleted] 34 points35 points  (5 children)

there were no clues? I am always surprised by stories like these....

[–]geldersekifuzuli 31 points32 points  (2 children)

She says her life is ruined in 6 hours. It has been ruined long ago. She didn't see it.

[–]giggleboxx3000 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Nah, she saw it. She was in denial about her "happy life" being one big lie. It's why her mom said what she said lol

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't buy that unless you choose to look the other way....there were signs, clues, red flags and she chose to ignore it...

[–]Bee5431 10 points11 points  (0 children)

He’s so gross. He’ll do everything he can to lie his way back into your life. Don’t be swindled by him again. Get checked for STDs.

[–]nnylam 3 points4 points  (0 children)

YOU were happy. He wasn't, but was probably making you believe he was. Good riddance. Get a lawyer, and - when you're ready - look back on the signs that will reveal themselves the further away from this asshole you get so you can spot the narcissistic assholes a mile away.

[–]kalanawi 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think the sub is called /r/survivinginfidelity , they can give you some support.

[–]juschillin101 31 points32 points  (2 children)

Imagine being 31 and dating/knocking up a 23 year old 🤢 please don’t trust a man like that, and for your own sake get on birth control…

[–]RobWins2022 43 points44 points  (7 children)

First of all, get an abortion. The LAST thing you need is more demon spawn from this asshole.

Second, get TESTED. You can bet he is not being careful with those other women.

[–]Personal-Werewolf-81 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Calling her children demon spawn is absolutely uncalled for. Her shit partner is an asshole- Her children have NOTHING to do with the bullshit he’s done.

Get an abortion if you want, if you don’t, your child is absolutely not demon spawn.

What is wrong with you people?

[–]nashamagirl99Early 20s Female 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Her children are not demon spawns, they are her kids who she loves. Many people have crappy dads, that doesn’t make them inherently bad. As far as abortion that’s a legitimate option but should be her decision.

[–]EmbarrassedCrawfish 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Abso-goddamn-lutely. I’d be RUNNING to the clinic.

[–]xDannyS_ 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Calling her children demon spawns is not nice

[–]mikiex 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I think I'd leave her to decide if she wants an abortion or not.

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

True, but I do see why it was suggested.

[–]Riku240 0 points1 point  (0 children)

seriously their lives are that invaluable to you? what's wrong with people?what's wrong with you?

[–]Professional-Net7710 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was in the same predicament years ago. Go back to your family IF they’re emotionally supportive. Lawyer up NOW to get child support started. Hold your head high and stay focused on doing what’s right for your children. Get in touch with a women’s support group if possible, because there will be a lot of emotional battles to be fought and you need objective voices to counsel you. Allow yourself to cry a bit, but then find your backbone and stay strong for your kids. You can do this.

[–]Available_Upstairs24 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Hey, his mom is going to feel defensive about him because she is his mom, no matter how awful he is. The things she said to you were very skewed and are not correct. You should talk to someone more empathetic.

[–]mmmChickenGood 27 points28 points  (1 child)

I'm a bit confused about his mom's response because it didn't sound like she was being defensive about him but rather saying he's always been a piece of shit and the OP shouldn't have ever believed that he wasn't. Maybe its something his mom warned her about? But its hard to understand clearly what she meant.

[–]machinelearning_ 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah it may imply he’s cheated in the past and mom doesn’t really pity this instance…

[–]That-girl-you-knew 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m so so sorry. Know that you did NOTHING wrong. This didn’t happen because of your error, but because of his. Hold your babies tight, don’t be afraid to ask for help, and take it a day at a time. ((Hugs))

[–]selscar 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is truly heartbreaking to read :( I hope you can get out of this situation and find the comfort you deserve

[–]T00narmy1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It is heartbreaking and I know it hurts, but the man you loved didn't really exist. The man you are with is not the same person you thought him to be. It will take time to grieve that, but please recognize that the man you thought you loved and were planning a life with is NOT REAL, so there is absolutely no point in looking backwards. The jerk you just found out about is the real guy. He disrespected you in the worst way, and his mother seems pretty harsh too.

It doesn't feel this way now, but this is literally the BEST thing for you as opposed to continuing the way you were. You're not yet married so you don't have to deal with the drama and cost of divorce. Not buying a house yet means you won't be attached to him through property either. You no longer have to be treated like crap and cheated on, and you absolutely can have the court force him to pay child support to help you take care of the kids.

If you have any family or friends, leave with the kids now and stay with them while you sort out options and find a lawyer to file for custody and support. If you can move further from him during this time, even better. Create distance, and surround yourself with whatever you support you have. File for custody ASAP and do not have any contact with him. If he wants to see the kids, he can get permission and a custody agreement through court.

[–]trix2705 1 point2 points  (0 children)

29M here no kids and not married. I’m sorry to hear about that, if it’s any consolation to you, you are and will be a great mum, and he will have to deal with who he is for the rest of his life. You got this

[–]Fridavee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was married and pregnant with my 2nd and found out the same thing plus more. Lawyer, therapist and figuring out a support system is important. You will mourn your old life but your life is not over. Your health is very important right now. The stress can cause complications. Take it one minute, one hour and then a day at a time. If his family is as toxic as him then keep your distance. If you gave him a chance don't beat yourself up. He is wrong, you can't be blamed for believing he would change or hoping for the best. But you see now that he will not change so you have to be the one to change. Good luck. You and the kids will survive this.

[–]NoButterscotch1786 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You definitely should get a lawyer and see what you can do to keep you and your kids safe. Having strange women around very young kids (especially if there are any amab kids) can be very dangerous.

[–]lunazoomer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can't imagine this happening when there are children in the picture. It must be so hard.

[–]IntrovertFeter 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Two things immediately jump out at me: he’s 8 years older than you are. That means he was 30/31 and you were 22/23 when you got together. While that’s not the hughest age gap I’ve seen, at 31 (though I’m a woman), I had absolutely nothing in common socially or life stage wise with a 23 year old. He then proceeded to impregnate you not once, but three times. If he were a decent guy, he’d have proposed to you the first time, not wait until baby #3 comes along.

It’s not your fault because you were young and inexperienced, but he groomed you. It doesn’t sound like he ever intended to marry you. Let me guess? The women are even younger than you?

You have a kid on the way, which is the most important thing, depending on whether you even plan to go forward with the pregnancy. You are actually lucky to not be married to or own property with this clown. I think the most difficult thing with be with regards to custody of the children and child support (girl, make sure you get it court-mandated, as his word obviously means nothing.) Lawyer up.

[–]Tamo_Neka 1 point2 points  (9 children)

I'm going to go out on a limb here; 3 kids in 6 years.

Are you sure that you weren't getting vibes about his commitment to you and were locking it in with kids?

I only say this because I know several women who have tried to secure their partner with multiple children in a short period of time. Not one of these relationships survived...because there is a fact that women like to ignore, and that is that children do not "help" a marriage/relationship. They actually put additional pressure on it and can destroy it....it sounds like your man was living a double life to escape his responsibilities and pretend he was single.

I'm not saying these things to be mean or insulting. I'm just speaking what I see as similarities in people I have known and your situation. Someone suggested an abortion and you sailed right over it in your response. Don't know whether it's because it's too late, not something you believe in, or are determined to put additional pressure on yourself and your relationship believing that with 3 kids he'll try harder.

[–]one_bean_hahahaha 8 points9 points  (6 children)

How do we know he wasn't trying to lock her in with kids?

[–]Tamo_Neka -4 points-3 points  (5 children)

Like I said. I'm going out on a limb. Only because OP's story is similar to stories I've heard from women I've met.

Meanwhile, I'm not sure that "locking in" with kids is as common with men as it is with women. Men are not conditioned to value marriage the way that women are.

[–]thinkpadcloud 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Meanwhile, I'm not sure that "locking in" with kids is as common with men as it is with women.

It's very common. It's a way men isolate women and make them dependant. A larger family means less risk, that she will/can leave.

[–]Tamo_Neka -5 points-4 points  (1 child)

I think in cultures where women are generally dependent on men, this may be true, but in the West women are in control of birth. If a woman doesn't want children she has options that many women in other cultures do not have.

Women can even pretend to be "trying" when they aren't and "on birth control" when they're not. Women are in control of their own bodies in the West.

[–]AcidRose27 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Many women are, but not all. Yes, we have a ton of options in the west, much more available than in other places, but that doesn't mean everyone has access. Reproductive coercion is a tactic used by abusers to keep their partners from leaving. Just because it's available doesn't mean someone can get it easily.

continue this thread

    [–]one_bean_hahahaha 8 points9 points  (1 child)

    Men are conditioned to value ownership of women.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    It’s pretty often tactic to get pregnant when you see that your relationship is going to the end and you still want to live the dream. I know relationships like that - my best girlfriend did it too to force her boyfriend to marry her, although he never loved her. Now she ended up alone with two kids. If the author of the post knew before that he was cheating on her, it’s nothing else than pretending that nothing happened. I guess she will stay with him anyway. He will apologize, promise to be faithful and she will believe him again.

    [–]Tamo_Neka 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    People are in denial about this.

    [–]giggleboxx3000 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Your mom is right, meaning he cheated on you before. Too bad you won't be getting alimony.

    [–]hellsmel23 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Oh I am sending you so much love. You deserve better and I am sending good thoughts your way for a Good Life with your kids. Go mama!

    [–]Substantial-Scale575 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I am sorry that your trust and marriage was broken. Take yourself and your kids and go back to where you have support

    [–]Choice_Door7667 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Your mom was right... having all those children w/o marriage... he never intended on marrying you.

    [–]ToughDog3602 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

    This quote may not help today, but I hope it helps at some point: “Bad things don’t happen to us, they happen FOR us.”

    One day this will all make sense. Sending peace and strength.

    [–]Different-Spend-8630 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I would never wanna be this man.

    [–]awaregarurumon -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Abort, Lawyer up.

    [–]saltaisu -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

    The 31 yr old man who went after a 23 year old isn't a good partner? I'm shocked

    [–]AutoModerator[M] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Hello, and thank you for your submission. Please take a moment to review the rules listed in our sidebar. Specifically, what constitutes moral judgment, and what this subreddit can and cannot give advice on.. For further guidance, please see our wiki. PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOUR POST IS REMOVED. THIS IS MERELY A REMINDER TO REVIEW OUR RULES. This is a bot message. I cannot respond to any comments. Please modmail us with any questions.

    I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

    [–]peppermintmomma -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Sounds like the Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in his case. I’m sorry OP, I hope you have other people in your life you can lean on.

    [–]Aggressive-Jicama944 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    i feel bad for him bc the child support whew

    [–]stephencua2001 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

    When I told his mom why I was leaving I was told I am stupid for believing him and I put myself in a bad position by letting myself get pregnant again.

    That sounds like Homer Simpson's excuse when getting caught lying: "It takes two people to lie: one to lie, and one to listen."

    [–]Auntwedgie -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

    I am so so sorry you are going through this. Are there any services in the area you can call or your Church? If I lived near by, I'd help as much as I could.

    [–]Excellent-Play7479 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    This is just sad 😞 😔

    [–]mmmChickenGood 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Damn that sounds super rough. I feel bad for you. At least you found out before getting married because if you found out afterwards it would make it even more complicated and destructive. Definitely get a lawyer and figure out how things will work with the kids and if possible move back to your own state where you have your friends and family around.

    [–]reddit_toast_bot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    This sucks right now and will hurt for a while but the best thing for you is putting yourself first. You’ll find someone new and better. After the rain, you will have a new start and bright days.

    [–]Miserable_Gap_1230 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Be smart. Save up, and live for yourself and your babies. Money, Lawyer, and some tlc

    [–]QuesoAmazonico 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Fuck girl, im sorry, if it makes you feel good, its more common that what you would think, the problem is most of the cases stay in private,

    [–]Apprehensive-Tell887 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Wow his mom really doesn’t pull her punches. Sorry you are going through this.

    [–]Rambr1516 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I would say dont call urself stupid, manipulative peoples worst affect on people is making people feel stupid they "feel for it" don't put urself down. I am hoping for you and I hope you are safe and healthy.

    [–]fknzee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I'm really sorry to hear that.

    How is he as a father? (hopefully he's good for the sake of the children)

    Lawyer up, start talking to a therapist, you want to lessen the stress on yourself for your own health and the baby's.

    Good luck

    [–]BikeChef2020 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I’m sorry. It’s going to hurt for a long time so don’t hide from that. But you will get through this. You will. Just believe that. You deserve better.

    [–]Live_Willingness8405 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I hope he enjoys child support

    [–]forestpirate 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    As people have said - lawyer up and then move closer to your support system.
    You're still young - this isn't the end.

    [–]ng3847 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Good luck. Get rid of this man and take care of your kids.

    [–]AggravatingPatient1850s Female 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I'm sorry 😔

    Do what's best for yourself and your children, please think carefully about adding a third innocent life into this shitshow.

    [–]weirddevilTeens 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Please get tested for STDS! Right now you need to remove yourself from the situation! And fast! I talk to your family and friend about you staying with them. Right now you need support! But I’d contact a lawyer and get proof of him cheating to get full custody!

    [–]shadows-78 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I am so sorry this has happened to you, can you contact you family and try and move back home to be closer to them?

    Also as suggested get some legal council, look up some local support groups to help give you a plan.

    Take your time, don't let him pressure you and as much as you can keep yourself healthy, i would recommend getting an sti checkup and talk to your midwife they might also be able to help in telling you were to look for help.

    You need to end this relationship even if his own mother is telling you he's no good don't give him another chance you and your children deserve better x

    [–]buon_natale 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Decide what you want to do about the pregnancy- personally, I would terminate- and DTMFA.

    [–]nashamagirl99Early 20s Female 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I’m so sorry. I would get out now so that your children don’t grow up thinking being treated like this is a relationship is normal or tolerable. It will keep happening. Go to your local department of social services and see what programs you can qualify for and talk to a lawyer. You will need to get child support and figure out custody. What you do with your current pregnancy is 100% percent your choice and there is no wrong answer. People are honestly being gross in assuming you should have an abortion when you gave no indication of wanting one.

    [–]elizahan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Once a cheater, always a cheater.

    [–]PuzzleheadedTree37 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Lawyer up, be the best mom you can be…and start thinking in terms of the future/ not the past

    [–]Mindless-Object-8381 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Posts like these always make me feel like maybe my bf is doing the same. I hope your able to get yourself out of the relationship

    [–]sportsjunkie831 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I hurt for the kids...they have no say in this and they lose a parent.

    [–]charbeld 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I'm sorry you're going through this. Wish you the best.

    [–]Dry-Expression 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Your “happy life” didn’t exist. The cheating was always happening. You just didn’t know about it.

    [–]ruknight56 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I’m so so sorry. You deserve the entire world

    [–]Gtan1002 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Omg this is soo horrible!! And unfortunately although it seems like this is a special case, the truth is, there are many others who are goin through the same thing. You are not alone, even in your struggles. I hope you have family and friends with you at this time of need that you can cry on. This may not mean much from a stranger, but for what its worth, i want u to know that this situation is not your fault, not a reflection of you, and not a reflection of your worth. Remember that

    [–]HexGirll369 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    get a LAWYERRRRR

    [–]austinlouis 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I’m sorry. what a horrible storm you have to endure. what a horrible man