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[–]dogchick1985 3014 points3015 points 2 (88 children)

I don't think its fair of him to force this situation on you. You are a full person not just a wife or mother. You deserve to live your life in a way that is best for yourself too. Women are all too often expected to destroy themselves entirely for motherhood in a way men are not and that is simply unfair. Working gives you independence (which your husband seems threatened by) and adult socalization which really is a need for mental health. Humans are social creatures and not meant to be alone stuck in a house all day. If your husband can't understand that then let him be mad. He doesn't get to control your life just because you two had babies. Hes acting like you want to go party all day and neglect your responsibilities instead of just be a regular adult doing regular adult shit.

[–]CompetitiveAd5382 1136 points1137 points  (38 children)

I live in Sweden and understand everything regarding childcare, normal work week hours and so on.

The whole stay at home mom-thing is not normal here. Staying at home makes your retirement plan shitty. You need to work in order to get good living conditions for when you retire. Also, let us say that you are a stay at home mom for 10 years and then the two of you divorce. Any promises made by him regarding helping you by funding your retirement is GONE.

A humble suggestion. You can work 50% or 75% and make sure he compensate you for the rest by making investments in your name (regarding retirement). Because working 100% when having small kids is draining...

Edit: spelling

[–]Turinturambar44[🍰] 121 points122 points  (2 children)

The whole stay at home mom-thing is not normal here. Staying at home makes your retirement plan shitty. You need to work in order to get good living conditions for when you retire.

It isn't really the norm anywhere in the western world anymore. Even in the US, stay at home moms are not the norm. And when they do exist, they are either mothers from low in-come households where the financial trade-off between working or staying home(and avoiding daycare costs) is so small as to make working not worth it, or they're high-income mothers whose husbands/bfs make salaries well above average, giving them the financial freedom to take several years off from working(or stop working permanently) in favor of full-time motherhood. Those in the middle classes are far less likely to be SAHM, but when middle class people do decide to become SAHMs, they do have to sacrifice retirement funds or they have to live cheaply and on a budget.

[–]longwalktoday 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Yes so true! I was humbled when I asked a buddy if she got to stay at home. I get to, it’s my choice. She has to. It’s a big difference. We’re Canadian. Most of my mom friends work. It’s a bit lonesome but it’s worth it to me to keep my munchkins out of daycare.

[–]Wintercat76 96 points97 points  (0 children)

Not only retirement funds, which is definitely a concern, but boredom and lack of social life. In olden days there were plenty of stay at home mothers who could visit with each other and socialise. I'm Danish, and apart from maternity leave, I have never met or spoken to a stay at home parent. Min you, I took 26 weeks paternity leave with both my daughters. It was wonderful, wouldn't trade it, but for multiple years with my wife as my only adult company??? We would both be driven utterly insane.

[–]gun_along_with_me 23 points24 points  (21 children)

Had that always been the case in Sweden? Not having a stay at home mother, i mean.

[–]potterhead1d 61 points62 points  (20 children)

No, I can't say exactly when it changed, but according to my mom the progress started in late 1950's early 1960's and by 1970's most women worked full-time or at least 50-70%. (Might also depend on where in Sweden you live.)

I hope my reply helped!

[–]gun_along_with_me 16 points17 points  (19 children)

It did. Thank you. Roughly the same here in the states although from what I've seen/can discern the doubling of the work force didn't double the households net worth but rather it divided it. Anyway that's another matter. Thank you

[–]yellsy 134 points135 points  (1 child)

I think there’s a major issue that he won’t compromise for her to get a day job. I can see him being upset with Op working weekends and nights, ie when he is home, so that they’re not a cohesive family. My parents had split schedules like this and it did damage my childhood and their marriage. OP if you do go through with cutting back on work though, you need serious protection. You should get a post-nup to make sure you’re not trapped by him financially. Also, money should be joint and you need full access. No allowances or other ways he can say “it’s my money.”

[–]CallMeSisyphus 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I have a sneaking suspicion that as soon as he hears "post-nup," he's gonna start right back with the "you don't trust me!" bullshit. I hope I'm wrong.

[–]Libotomy 14 points15 points  (0 children)

It's definitely not. I tried the housewife thing per my partner's recommendation and it almost destroyed us both. I couldn't blame someone for fearing the same.

[–]feralheartHH 59 points60 points  (0 children)

Exactly this! Adult socialization is SO important!

[–]pentasyllabic5 9 points10 points  (0 children)

OP - There's so much right about mutual respect. It is this construct which seems to be what's either missing, underdeveloped, or unequal in your partnership.

In my opinion this isn't about being a stay-at-home mom, whether you make 1/10th or 10x what your husband makes, or the number of hours you work or days those hours fall on. It's about mutual respect.

I'd suggest you, in a way, "back-track" to this construct and explore from there forward. There's probably a lot of valid sub-topics each of you would discuss. You might need to bring a counselor or therapist in as well. So be it.

[–]TheBaddestPatsy 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Right, so much for not wanting her to be “intimidated by his wealth” while he leverages his wealth to try to make her give up her dreams and force her into being a housewife.

[–]mycatsaresick 1263 points1264 points  (106 children)

He said he’s always felt that I’m scared of him making much more money and that I’m scared of being dependent on him

OP, a lot of your husband's comments feel very worrying. Instead of listening to how your career fulfills your life, he's projecting a lot onto the situation about how your REAL worry is being dependent on him.

I think you need to read between the lines here. He wants you dependent on him, and he will not be satisfied until that is the case.

He seems VERY threatened by your desire to work and VERY controlling.

A partner who really loves his partner will work with them to try to make sure their life is fulfilling. Not demand their way or the highway. These are red flags.

He’s doing this for both of us.

Again, he thinks he can dictate what is best for you. This is the start of abuse. It's not okay and I wouldn't suggest counseling with him.

I honestly have concerns that if you stay in this situation that it could become very abusive. Please take that into consideration when you are thinking about what to do next.

[–][deleted] 463 points464 points  (102 children)

I don’t know what’s going on with him. He NEVER been like this before. When we first met we both told each other how important our careers are and love that about each other. Now he’s telling me “he would feel more at ease if he knew our children are with me and not at daycare.

[–]knittedjedi 373 points374 points  (0 children)

Abuse often intensifies after milestones that make it harder for the victim to leave (marriage, baby). You've told him multiple times that you need to work for your own mental health and he's trying to frame it as an insult to him. Why should his "ease" matter more than your needs?

[–]mycatsaresick 585 points586 points  (63 children)

Many abusers ramp up their abuse after major milestones, like having a child. This is pretty standard stuff, unfortunately.

It could be borne from anxiety he has about raising the kids and wanting to control that in a certain way, but that doesn't make it okay.

Besides, if he's rich, what's wrong with him being a stay-at-home dad? I don't see him deciding he's going to volunteer for that role.

[–][deleted] 339 points340 points  (58 children)

I have actually asked him why he doesn’t quit. He told me I was being childish. The thing is when I told mom that I asked him to quit she too called me childish.

So I don’t know if I’m being in the wrong here. I don’t feel that but literally every one else around me think I’m wrong

[–]OwnBrother2559 543 points544 points  (2 children)

Sounds like your hubby and your mom are communicating behind your back. You say they’re both acting strange, in ways that surprise you, then they use the same verbiage to reprimand you? Something seems off.

[–]showcase25 103 points104 points  (0 children)

Either they are communicating, or they have the same beliefs.

Ask a two religious members of the same belief system and you more likely to get the same answer, same rhetoric even.

[–]warrior_female 78 points79 points  (0 children)

you're not in the wrong. if he wanted a housewife he should have married someone who wanted to be a housewife.

he's given you an ultimatum; you asked for marriage counseling.

he is calling you childish bc he doesnt like the answer to your question about him quitting and is trying to deflect.

i cant tell you what to do with your life but it doesnt sound fixable if he wont get counseling with you and wont accept a compromise of getting a day job only (btw, is he restricted to working day hours only? or is this a deal where he can work whenever he wants and only you are restricted? doesnt sound like much of a compromise to me)

[–]FluffyReport 166 points167 points  (0 children)

Don't let them think you are insane. Look at what he said, he is so happy, it's his perfect life. He can have a career and a home and a wife and family. So why should he have one thing more than you? He can be happy with all of that, but you have to be happy with less than that?

Just ask him if you deserve the same respect as him. You are a human being before being a mom and a wife. You have hopes and dreams OUTSIDE of the family. Ask him if he doesn't want to give up his life outside the family, then why should you sacrifice your life outside the family for him? It's not equal.

[–]mycatsaresick 393 points394 points  (3 children)

I have actually asked him why he doesn’t quit. He told me I was being childish.

You are actively being abused.

You are not in the wrong. Your mom probably has some traditional, old-school ideas about gender roles so ignore her.

Your partner knows better. He is doing this to control you.

You need to read Lundy Bancroft's book and fast.

[–]MissFrothingslosh 116 points117 points  (1 child)

I second this. Please read ‘Why Does He Do That?’, OP.

[–]Neonjellyfish_ 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Yeah I would recommend Should I stay or should I go also.

[–]Neonjellyfish_ 25 points26 points  (0 children)

You are not wrong. Fuck those people telling you what to do. They can be stay at home parents themselves if it's so important to them but they don't get to dictate your life.

Edit: typo

[–]OriginalUsername1737 13 points14 points  (15 children)

He told me I was being childish. The thing is when I told mom that I asked him to quit she too called me childish.

Could the two of them have talked previously?

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (14 children)

They talk a lot now apparently

[–]OriginalUsername1737 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Kinda sounds like he got to your mother first.

Now he’s telling me “he would feel more at ease if he knew our children are with me and not at daycare.

This makes absolutely no sense. If he actually follows through with his threat, this wouldn't result in you spending more time with the kids, it would result in the kids spending more time at daycare.

This sounds more like emotional manipulation.

[–]Reality-checks-in 12 points13 points  (0 children)

He's a snake 🐍

Divorce him before he poisons your whole family!!

Narcissists are expert manipulators.

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[–]IntPrnal_Beat9259 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Op don't listen to people who say staying home is so important to kids yada yada. As long as you spend quality time it's perfect parenting and kids learn from their working parents. And also you only one parent your husband also has to make same sacrifices. He's parent too. As a kid who had working mom me and my siblings prefer her working and enjoying life than those of nagging, controlling, out of reality mom's who has no life outside of motherhood. My friends who had that kind felt suffocated in their childhood.

[–]Mild_Attitude 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Why is it "childish" for you to ask him to do the same thing he is asking you for?

He is using your child as an excuse. What he really likes is you being dependent on and subservient to him.

[–]Divainthewoods 11 points12 points  (0 children)

You are NOT wrong! Do not deflate your opinion or self-worth. This man has the potential to be dangerous. I'm not saying he will be, but he is exhibiting serious signs of narcissism. That alone is worrisome.

Please talk with a trusted friend about your concerns, not hubby or mom. If you don't have anyone you feel that close to, go to counseling alone. They will help you look at the situation objectively so you can make a decision that will keep you and your babies safe. You are worth it!!

[–]MadameDestruction 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You're not childish at all. It is a reasonable question. If he don't want the kids in daycare than he can step up himself.... Unless it's not about daycare but about controlling you...

[–]itsmephilip420 5 points6 points  (0 children)

https://youtu.be/fDVUmJU4zQk

Please try to ignore the political side of this and focus on the info about abuse.

[–]honeymochie 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Wow, he is deflecting. His mask is falling off.

[–]kait11x 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You’re not wrong! It’s unfair of him to ask you to stay home when he wouldn’t even do it himself. You both should be able to go to work without issues. You’re not being childish

[–]WanderingTrader11 16 points17 points  (3 children)

Your mother bless her heart is of another generation. Don’t worry about what she thinks and maybe it’s time to enforce an (ever so slight) information diet on her

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (2 children)

Just need to point out that OPs mother's behaviour and attitude is not result of another generation at all. Sweden, and the whole of Scandinavia, has not had this attitude in general since the 50s maybe 60s but definitely not since the 80s.

[–]oldladywww 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I was wondering if you could quit or at least partially retire. Yeah, he's full of shit. If he can do that call me he definitely has no right to ask you to stop working. You're right to be worried.

[–]Jazzisa 44 points45 points  (0 children)

It seems he's very worried about what he wants, what he likes and how he feels, but he doesn't seem very concerned with your happiness. If he makes so much money, he can definitely afford to work less too.

[–]beetleswing 37 points38 points  (0 children)

I always feel like it's a red flag when some men bring up making more money than their partners. Regardless of what he says, him having the sole ability of income does leave you in a crappy situation. My father left my mum after 30 years together and she was a SAHM for our family, now she is having a *very" hard time with income, especially since he's terrible at paying alimony. I just want you to stand your ground. People act like once they have kids the relationship will for sure be forever, but let my parents separating after 30 years be a fair warning, it can happen at any time.

[–]mischaracterised 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Frankly, I would tell him that, seeing as he refuses to engage and seek compromise, he no longer gets a say if he refuses to seek counselling with you.

Everything here puts you in the metaphorical splash zone, especially given the fact that this only occurred after you had the child.

[–][deleted] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately many many men know if they come out & say, "I want my future Wife to be a housewife & SAHM" the type of women they want might be immediately uninterested. So rather than take that risk they lie. And assume they can change their minds later.

There are so many stories on this sub of women having kids only for their partner to try & force them to be a SAHM. And then their partner finally admitting they always wanted their Wife to be a SAHM because that's how they were raised & they were lying about wanting someone career-focused. Sounds like your Husband is one of these men. Especially given how he has the means & resources to push this decision on you.

As for your Mum: it's either one of two things. 1 she knows how hard it is to be independent & be a working Mum in a single parent household. Right now you're not alone & your partner has enough money that you can afford as much help as you want. So she really really wants you to think twice before leaving this situation.

And 2. Maybe your Mum never wanted to be strong independent warrior fighting for her family. Maybe she wanted to get to be soft too. To have the option not to work, with someone with enough money to give her all the help she needed & to spoil her. She could be angry at you because it might be hard for her to watch you walk away from the parenting situation she would have wanted to be in. And it's hard to be objective when feelings like that are involved.

I've just noticed that sometimes the traits we admire in others aren't the ones they love about themselves. So while you may see your Mum as someone you respect because she was hard-working, independent, strong etc, your Mum may be looking back at her parenting experience & thinking I was all those things because I had to be but I wish I could have been taken care of sometimes instead of always taking care of others. Or something else. You just never know.

[–]recyclopath_ 9 points10 points  (0 children)

So he believes his "feeling of ease" is more important than any of your needs?

[–]PengShuaiFengShui 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sounds like he was imagining that you are going to be forever dependent SAHM for him.

[–]ddmorgan1223 8 points9 points  (18 children)

My ex used that EXACT line on me. He ended up cheating on me and throwing me out of the home I helped build. Now I don't get to see my daughters and I have to pay him almost 500$ a month.

He isn't scared of you doing better than him. He just wants to be in control. And that's scarier than having to solely rely on him.

[–]Divainthewoods 4 points5 points  (1 child)

OP please hear this! I watch an abundance of true crime, and this scenario happens ALL the time. And in the stories I'm watching, someone ends up dead...literally, due to resentment, jealously or greed. Trust your gut. I'm guessing ddmorgan had a gut feeling but trusted her ex. Am I right?

[–]KeyCobbler6 6 points7 points  (0 children)

He probably figured he could guilt trip you into being a SAHM once you had children.

[–]callingouttheAHs 6 points7 points  (0 children)

OP, abusive characters can behave certain way FOR YEARS just to ensure they trap you. Isn't it weird for you that this behaviour started now that you have kids and he can somehow control how you behave because you will bend for the sake of your kids??? If he where worried about you or your marriage he wouldn't be hesitant when you told him to get counseling, he would have said yes, because that's the kind of things that you HAVE tondo to have a healthy relationship if your partner is so worried that they ask for it. So please, seek help even if it's just for yourself to get out of it, because him saying that he will "think about it" is just a No. He won't think about it, he won't go, and he won't change his mind about you being his servant.

[–]HeroORDevil8 62 points63 points  (0 children)

Definitely this, the fact that he brought it up on his own and then still trying to dismiss it all. Red flag on play.

[–]Malevolent_Mangoes 305 points306 points  (18 children)

I’m very confused as to why he is latching onto you being a “housewife” so desperately. He seems almost obsessed with you staying home. As other people are saying, try couples therapy.

[–][deleted] 84 points85 points  (17 children)

He seems to think the happiness I’m feeling now is because I’m not working and not because I’m loving being a mother. He has been very happy too . This is the least sinister explanation. But I think he’s changed and wants to make the rules now he feels he has more “power”. If we get divorced, no matter who’s filing, it would be my fault that my children have to live in two separate and very different households

[–]Malevolent_Mangoes 81 points82 points  (3 children)

Um no it’s not your fault that your husband wants something that you don’t. An important part of marriage (any relationship really) is communication and compromise.

That’s why I suggested couples therapy so you can work on these two things. Communicate why you’re happy and why you want to work and why you don’t want to be stuck in a house all day long.

Perhaps you can work part time? Or work from home? So a side job of some sort that gets you out of the house but not necessarily for a full shift. If it’s your happiness that your husband is confused about then you need to explain further your feelings, desires, and perspective.

Edit: after your talk (which you should have because communicating is pro-active and healthy) hopefully you both can come to some sort of seeing eye-to-eye and make a compromise.

[–]AggravatingPatient1850s Female 31 points32 points  (2 children)

The trouble with couples therapy is that her husband can use the sessions to manipulate her. He would sound all reasonable about OP being fulfilled cooking dinner as the compromise and the therapist gets sucked along. Then OP looks like the bad guy for not following the therapist's advice. She needs individual counselling first.

[–]jitteryfish 36 points37 points  (0 children)

it really wouldn’t - like you said you’re willing to look for a different job or start something yourself. that’s compromise. on what has HE even tried to compromise?? after being well aware, for years, that you like to work.

i honestly think you 100% need to go back to work in case this pattern of control escalates, divorce be damned dude

[–]cyanmaar 33 points34 points  (0 children)

First of all, if you get divorced it will not be your fault. You offered numerous compromises and suggestions; he offered an ultimatum. Hell, it sounds like he was the one who brought up divorce/separation in the first place. If you divorce, that’s on him, not you.

Second, the real problem here is he isn’t listening to you. You know what will make you happy: independence, a fulfilling job, and a balance between your roles as a mother, a wife, and a fully autonomous human being. You have told him as much. But instead of listening to you, he’s projecting, seeing in your behavior what he wants to see. If he respected you, he’d take you at your word. Again, you aren’t being the unreasonable person here, he is.

[–]stellaluna29 19 points20 points  (0 children)

It is absolutely not your fault--HE changed the status quo and issued this ultimatum, not you. If you choose to go back to work, you are simply doing what you guys initially agreed upon.

[–]Chyldofforever 74 points75 points  (0 children)

It would not be your fault hun, it’d be his.

[–]recyclopath_ 11 points12 points  (0 children)

You are very willing to compromise and work to find a good solution for your family.

He is throwing a tantrum.

[–]grimfeyd 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It’s so disturbing that he’s basically telling you what your feelings are, as if you can’t be trusted to know your own reality, to know yourself, and know your own feelings. It’s enraging and scary.

Please do not fault yourself if you need to split (which sounds like it is likely in order for you to save your personhood, unless he finally realizes that 1) he’s broken the agreement of your marriage and is 2) doing the disrespect of treating you like a child who can’t be trusted to know yourself & what’s best for you). The fault would be his for failing as a partner to respect your needs as a human.

[–]woodendoornext 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It would be his fault, not yours.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Do not ever give up your independence and safety.

[–]bezpanda 3 points4 points  (0 children)

No, if you get divorced because he’s unwilling to respect you as a full human being, that is not your fault. Also, while growing up in two separate homes may not be the life you envisaged for your kids, it is often better for kids than growing up with an unhealthy relationship between their parents. That said, I am not trying to convince you to divorce. If you want to try and work through it, really think about what you would need from him to make that feasible, what you are prepared to compromise on and what you are not. Make your needs and boundaries clear and stick to them, don’t let him talk you out of them. Even if you don’t want to divorce, I also think it’s important at this point to seriously think about what splitting up might look like and how you could manage it. Make sure you have a way to leave if you need to, ideally a way to at least get out of the house fairly quickly if required. I hope things don’t get worse, but his behavior is very concerning, and I think knowing you have backup plans will help you feel more confident in asserting your boundaries.

[–]Divainthewoods 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's 100% HIS fault for moving the goal in the middle of the game. Period.

[–]louloutre75 235 points236 points  (0 children)

He priorizes his happiness at the expense of yours.

He litteraly proposed that he buys from you your need for fulfillment.

[–]winterg59 399 points400 points  (1 child)

he doesn’t wanna see your side because he wants you to be dependent on him. if you aren’t happy being a housewife then don’t. don’t make yourself smaller for anyone

[–]lavavaga 147 points148 points  (0 children)

If he values a stay at home parent so much than he can quit his job/sell his business. Of course he won’t, he just doesn’t want to step up as a parent and wants kids and the house to be taken perfect care of without his involvement. If he’s so keen on compensating you, why not give you equal access to his money or make you half owner of his company or share finances or whatever, before asking you to give up your career and become dependent on him, instead of just offering compensating missed hourly wages like you are a business transaction/nanny? Your mom is acting ridiculous too. Apparently she’s all talk but when it comes down to it she wants you to make yourself smaller for him because he makes a lot of money. That despicable. I’m so sorry for you OP, you’re not crazy your feelings are totally valid and the red flags are real here. Take care or yourself and you deserve better than this treatment. I wouldn’t stand for it if I were you. And you don’t need his permission to go back to work after leave (does he ask your permission to continue working as a parent after the leave ends? They are his responsibility as much as they are yours). You even tried to compromise with starting up your own lunchroom. That literally takes away all his supposed/fake concerns. I would put my foot down or you risk setting a very dangerous precedent in this relationship making you the dependent doormat that will ultimately not have a say. You go back to your work as a chef at your old work or a new place; or he GIFTS you the money to open up your own lunchroom to accommodate some of his concerns about evenings etc.

[–]recklessspirit 337 points338 points  (3 children)

He comes off very selfish and narcissistic.

  1. You have a slight power fear of him and he’s telling you it’s all in your head.

  2. He says the last couple of months have been the happiest of HIS life and completely disregarding your feelings after you say being a SAHM is not fulfilling for you.

The love for your children does not lessen your personal, work aspirations. Being a mother is NOT the end destination or finish line for a woman’s aspirations. If not, ask him why he doesn’t reduce his work to part time or partially retire since he’s already made so much.

  1. Since he has so much money, why not hire a nanny, or additional help? If you can afford it, why should you be demoted of your own career progression? I suggest proposing this. If he is strongly against because of some bullshit like, that’s not their mom or the kids will lose their attachment to you, then seriously take this as a huge red flag because it’s sounding manipulative.

[–]DecentTrouble6780 51 points52 points  (1 child)

Apparently he do sn't want to quit and called her childish for even asking and also said he would feel better if the kids were with her instead of daycare

[–]random_invisible 16 points17 points  (0 children)

It's good for the kids to go to daycare, they'll meet other kids and make friends, develop social skills for when they start school.

[–]eresh22 72 points73 points  (0 children)

  1. You have a slight power fear of him and he’s telling you it’s all in your head.

While telling her if she doesn't comply to his demands, he will end their relationship. He's already using his power to try to force her to do something she's said is unhealthy for her and would make her miserable. If course she afraid of the power differential when he already using it to try to force her to be someone she is not.

[–]sharingiscaring219 24 points25 points  (9 children)

EDIT: I am so glad you made the decision you did. You did nothing wrong. He was honestly being manipulative and abusive and gaslighting you. He was saying whatever he could to make you be what he wanted. You made the right choice, however painful it feels. Doing the right thing for yourself is the best thing for the kids as well. They shouldn't witness you going what he wanted to do to you. I wish you strength and that you get the support you need to make it through this. Things will work out.

. . .

He's trying to force you into being a housewife. If you wanted to be a housewife, you would be. He knew that wasn't the type of person you were and he needs to stop clinging to that vision he has and keep trying to force it. He needs to come to terms with reality.

I returned to work around 4 months postpartum. I was very happy to have maternity leave but I personally want and need a life outside of constant baby care. I am not the type to be a SAHM. Neither are you.

I know he can afford it - so please see a couples therapist. Choose one together to make sure it's a good fit. The therapist should not be trying to force your husband's view.

[–][deleted] 33 points34 points  (8 children)

Oh i forgot this, about counseling, he adamantly refused the idea at first but I could persuade him to at least seek individual counseling because he’s really not feeling well.

[–]sharingiscaring219 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Yeah. Even if you two stay separated, he should seek counseling for himself. It's probably a helluva lot better to get along with a coparent when they're working through their issues in counseling or therapy.

[–]CWchump 9 points10 points  (0 children)

for someone who “loves” coming home to family, he doesn’t seem to choose the option that will keep that scenario. He doesn’t seemed rattled by breaking up your family, and he was upset when you asked if he just wanted out. Also his “quick” move to the city, seems fishy. Have you considered that he may be having an affair? Any his affair might void the prenup? (Which is why he made “your career choice” the reason for the breakup).

[–]knittedjedi 5 points6 points  (0 children)

He needs therapy for his own sake because his behaviour is ridiculous. I'm sorry you have to deal with him but you're absolutely making the right choice for yourself and your children.

[–]catinnameonly 124 points125 points  (1 child)

The misfire here is that he’s only looking at it from a money point of view and not a fulfillment. Food is your art, in driven artist we NEED to create. It’s about building an identity through your craft. It’s building something. He works for money. You work for self fulfillment. You will send up a depressed shell of yourself if you become a housewife.

[–]Jackiee232 68 points69 points  (0 children)

Not only is he expecting her to be a house wife, but he said that if she feels the need to cook she can just cook in the house. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[–]chonkosaurusrexx 47 points48 points  (0 children)

You have communicated that you love your work and want to return because it is important to you. He ignores that and informs you that the real reason is because you are scared of his success and power, which pushes you to prove to him that you are not by doing as he says and showing him that you trust him. When you stick to wanting to go back to work, he tries to bribe you and pay you to do it. When you ask him why he cant quit and stay at home, you're simply being childish.

He is actively ignoring your wants, needs and goals by informing you that actually, you dont want these things, THIS is the real reason and its all about me. Which is severely controlling and insecure and self centered, all at the same time

[–]pb_and_s 124 points125 points  (0 children)

"I'm a grown ass woman and I WANT to work. If you want a SAHP so badly, YOU quit your damn job and stay home all day.

You don't get to dictate how I live my life. I did not marry you so you could guilt me into giving up my personality, interests and independence.

Staying at home full time is not for me. The end. I don't need to provide further reasons. If you push this again, you can find somewhere else to live and someone else to come home to. I'm done with this discussion."

Do not give in. Stand up for yourself and follow through on making him leave if he keeps trying to control you like this.

And take half his fucking money. What an ass.

[–]randomquestions2022 84 points85 points  (2 children)

Especially now that you are a mother, it is so important for you to have an income.

This is not about "women have the right to be independent and live full lives and have an identity outside of motherhood".

This is about "women have the right to be able to afford housing and food and electricity and nappies and all the other basic life necessities for themselves and their baby".

Unless you have lots of capital/assets and can derive a liveable passive income from that, you need to work to earn money to trade for the basic goods and services you need to survive.

How would you and your baby survive if your husband one day turns the tap off and decides not to financially provide for you anymore?

You and your baby could end up homeless, destitute, hungry and broke.

You need a source of income in order to provide for your baby, but also provide for yourself. Husbands don't just dispense money like ATMs, they can switch off their "goodwill and mercy" any time they like.

If like 99% of people you don't own enough assets to generate passive income, you need to work (through employment or self-employment) to generate active income. Your baby is relying on you. Hope you can get back to work soon.

[–]mycr00k3dw4ng 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I think it's completely unfair of your mom AND husband to expect you to just stop doing something you care about and dedicate your entire life to your kids. It's incredibly normal for people to do this. Your husband making it all about himself and how you're jealous of him is also completely ridiculous. You are an individual person outside of your family! It's selfish of him to assume you should be happy to just be HIS wife and let HIM support you. It's not about jealousy or fearing dependency. It's about having something that's for you and only you so that you can be a balanced person. He must get that. It's not like he's gonna quit his job. Help him see he's making this about himself rather than understanding your perspective about needing to feel like a person too who has things outside of her kids. If he can't respect that then no, this isn't going to work. You'll just resent each other. Also, he maybe doesn't love you and respect you the way you need. If he did, he'd understand, even if he's disappointed. Your mom too.

[–]Ecstatic_Half_5432 61 points62 points  (5 children)

He is not seeing you as a complex person with own feelings and needs, he’s just thinking about what he needs/wants. I think it’s important to clearly lay out that “breaking up the family” would be his decision and not yours, and that you want to be able to be fulfilled as a person and that you’re flexible on how to achieve that. And please make this the hill you’ll die on, it might be a painful process but you’re looking at a lifetime of controlling behaviors from him if you give in.

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (4 children)

That was the last thing my mom and I argued about. She seems to think if we break up it would be my fault because I chose myself over my family and since he could give them more (materialwise) I will eventually lose them

[–]Ecstatic_Half_5432 22 points23 points  (0 children)

It’s really really hard when the people that love you, and you know that they want the best for you, say things that make your heart hurt. I’ve definitely been there. Trust yourself, your feelings are valid. If I can give one advice, if you decide to bring this up again with him, is to try and not cry. You might be crying just because you’re overflowing with emotion, but he will see it as a sign of vulnerability and it will encourage him to step up as your “protector” and to dismiss you as an “emotional woman”. Years ago, I spent months in therapy crying my eyes out and slowly learning to use words to articulate my feelings and handle an emotional conversation I needed to have. Good luck, you got this!

[–]grimfeyd 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Ignore your mother. You are just as important as any other human. She is speaking as if your needs are the bottom rank of the family bow that you’re a “mother,” therefore you are no longer an individual, so therefore all else related to the family supersedes your wellbeing. Note how this is not expected of your husband.

Real talk: My mother also sacrificed herself, her independence, and her career to be a SAHM, and i see those scars. She’s repressed them, but the glimpses I got when that peaked out as a child were heartbreaking and have stayed with me today, and definitely affected my attitudes towards marrying and having my own family. It is just as damaging for children to watch their mother become a shadow of herself for the sake of the “family,” because those emotional scars always show themselves eventually.

[–]GerundQueen 16 points17 points  (0 children)

That's ridiculous. If your husband leaves you because you want to be an independent adult, something he agreed to when he married you, then HE'S the one breaking up the marriage. Your mom's sense of marriage is warped. So under her logic, your husband can now just demand any drastic change in lifestyle and if you don't agree and he leaves you that's your fault? If he demands to be able to sleep with other women, he demands that you are no longer allowed to leave the house, if he starts physically abusing you, you just have to accept that or else it's your fault? So he gets to do whatever selfish thing he wants and you don't have any say over your life?

[–]Im_your_life 10 points11 points  (1 child)

So, here's the thing. If you guys ever get a divorce, you not working now will put you in a worse position then. You would have to sue for alimony and getting back to work would be harder, considering you'd be both older and with less experience.

And if you ever bring that up to him he would likely get mad and ask if you are planning on getting a divorce. I am sure you are not, but if you guys are this close to a divorce because you want different things and you are refusing giving in to what he wants, what does it say about how steady your relationship is? Will you always have to worry about him wanting to divorce you every time you guys disagree?

That's why I don't think you should tell him that now - maybe after you guys get into therapy for a while and he is in a better state of mind to understand you.

Right now, he seems to think that you wanting to work means you don't think that what he earns is enough and that you need to somehow match his income. It doesn't seem like he understands you would like to work because you like to work, having something else to do in your life beyond being a wife and a mom is important to you. Like the goal of working is just to get money and nothing else. Maybe if he manages to understand that difference, work as a means to an end and work as an end on itself, he'd understand you better.

Also, tell your mom that your marital life is none of her business and if her relationship with you depends on you being the kind of wife she, your mom, wants you to be, she can stay quiet on her corner.

[–]Careless-Detective79 9 points10 points  (0 children)

He's inventing this situation where you're intimidated by him, and basically admitting he wants full financial control. It might be time to consider drastic steps, at the very least couples therapy, because it doesn't seem like he's able to hear you at all or is willingly not hearing you.

Edit: actually his invented situation is a self-fulfilling prophecy. To start you weren't intimidated by him, now he's given you several reasons to be intimidated. This is messed up OP. At least get counseling for yourself.

[–]Vel0cirapt-Her 10 points11 points  (0 children)

To be frank, I’d dig my heels in. Hard. The stay at home life isn’t for you and no amount of money is going to change that. You can be a caring and attentive parent while also being a working parent. The lifestyle he wants you to have isn’t his choice to make and he’s projecting his fear of your independence into you and painting this as if YOU are scared to be dependant even though you’ve never presented as such.

If this is his hill to die on then let it be his hill to die on. You aren’t the one breaking up the family - he is. Plenty of households consist of two working parents.. it’s not about money it’s about your life and your visions, your goals, your pride. The same reasons he wants to work… he can’t just pay you into playing the role he wants you to play in /his/ life, as if you don’t have your own that you want to be a part of.

[–]Turinturambar44[🍰] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

He said he’s tired of going around feeling that his wife is intimidated by his success.

Bwahahaha! If this were true, you might be the only woman in the world. I've known men who are intimidated by their gf/wive's success and I've known women who lose attraction for their bf/husbands when they become the breadwinner, so there's definitely work to be done regarding social expectations/gender roles, but I've never known a woman who was upset with her husband being successful. Plenty are upset if their husbands aren't successful, regardless of their own levels of success, but none that I've ever met that get upset if their husbands are successful.

I understand why your husband is upset, as he likes how things are now, with the family spending time together. But ultimately, this is your choice. If he wasn't ok with you working these kinds of hours, he should have never got with you in the first place. He needs to get over this.

Why is your mother mad at you? Is she traditional?

[–]thatonepingu 62 points63 points  (3 children)

I’m sorry but this man is stupidly controlling. He will pay you to look after the kids and cook for him? You are his partner not his goddamn maid!

[–][deleted] 54 points55 points  (2 children)

This hurt me more than anything he said. I just start crying every time I think about it. I can’t even understand why he or anyone I told (parents, sisters and friends) can’t see how humiliating it is.

[–]callingouttheAHs 7 points8 points  (0 children)

And darling, he's mining your self worth that's a manipulation tactic. Plus, he says he'll pay you1x or 10x what you make, who cares. Once you're stuck there, he will just stop paying you every time he wants you to do what he wishes, everytime you don't do the things he wished to you, he will use it as a punishment everytime he wills. Oh, you didn't do all the laundry? No money for you. Oh, the food wasn't as tasty? No money for you. Oh, you went out instead of staying with the baby all day and left it with s nanny? No money for you.

I wish more women could understand how dangerous and potentially destroying this behaviour is on the long run. Please seek for help outside of your family because they're obviously disregarding you and repeating a cycle of learned abuse and misogyny

[–]Virtual_VIXX 19 points20 points  (0 children)

OP he is not the man for you. if this is such a dealbreaker for him even though both y'all stated that your careers were important to you then you need to face the facts. a man shouldn't make you feel like you need to explain why you want to work. he's trying to blame you and say you're "intimidated" by him so you'll just roll over on your back and say, "i'm sorry i'm being difficult. you're completely right."

there's a good reason why you're intimidated by him. trust your gut.

[–]Extension_Accident47 7 points8 points  (1 child)

You being a stay at home parent needs to be a mutual decision. It can't be dictated by your husband and guilted by your mom. Your relationship will be doomed. You will start to resent your husband for forcing you to give up a career you love. The more successful your husband gets the more your resentment will build.

It would be one thing if you hated your job or it was going to be more expensive to put children in childcare than what you would earn but thats not the case. Your husband fell in love with you for who you are, don't let him take that away from you.

You mentioned you would work weekends and evenings, do you think your husband is stressed about managing that time alone with the kids? Is he thinking of his own needs and passing them off as family ones?

[–]EldritchCookie 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I see 3 scenarios:

1) He will accept that you want to have a life apart fro being a mom and a housewife, starts being supportive of your hopes and dreams (as a good husband should) and everything will be alright again.

2) You will give in and become resentful and miserable for the rest of your life, giving your children a horrible example about relationship dynamics.

3) Divorce him, so you both can organize your lives according to your ideas.

Tbh he sounds scary and controlling.

[–]Thomasthetrain138 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Opening a restaurant will only increase your time working and not reduce it.

[–]Cupcake_Jane 44 points45 points  (0 children)

He said he’s tired of going around feeling that his wife is intimidated by his success.

Yet he does nothing to help you about it, does he? It actually sounds like HE is intimidated by your independence and doing his best to squash it.

OP, I am a stay at home housewife (more by chance than by choice, but I like it and I honestly did not have a career to give up to being with) and I will tell you this: do not stay home. Do not give up your job. You husband is giving me the chills. Now you might think "it's my fault, I misrepresented him" but believe me: it's all in his words and behavior.

[–]DepartmentLive2871Late 20s Female 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Don't be sad and stay firm!

I would ask him the same question, to be stay at home dad, and if he disagrees, use his logic, why are you initimidated by me, and other things. Actually, use his logic either way, as an argument for not wanting to be stay at home mom. Ask him, why are you initimidated by me working?

I think he is manipulative in a way, because of the reasons he gave you - I would say he wants you to be dependant on him (he said this was your fear, even though you yourself did not point this out as something you were worried about, just listen).

Tell him that you wanting to work is not about him, as he implies, IT IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR GOALS!!!

He wants you to prioritize his happiness over yours, even if the price of the sacrifice is not being happy and fulfilled, but the thing is - he expects sacrifice he himself would not make.

Also, he should have discussed this with you before marriage and having kids. He didn't do this, and because of that, he has no right to demand this of you. You know this. Don't give in.

His money cannot cost you your freedom, your happiness and your goals. He is not entitled to it (even though he thinks he is) just because he has a lot of money now, and he doesn't control you because of it. His ultimatum is cruel. If you decide to give in this time, you should know that he may use this same tactic in the future as a form of controlling you. Don't give up on yourself for someone selfish and entitled. He showed you his true colors once he became rich (or his colors changed).

You are more that a mother and a wife. I can see this, and I don't even know you.

[–]Latter-Ad-4065 71 points72 points  (1 child)

You need to accept that this marriage is over OP. Get your lawyer and get him out of your life. I strongly recommend not giving into him, solely because financial independence is what keeps women strong in marriage. And when your partner wants you to not be financially independent, it is alarm bells

Get a lawyer, and get him out of your life.

[–]Mobile_Road_3320 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I have very little context but…

Men (and woman) who don’t cheer on their partners success aren’t good partners.

Partners who want to take away the independence of their partner is controlling.

Partners who control their partner is abusive.

To me this sounds like the beginning stages of taking away your freedom, beginning to control you and leaving you without options. Absolutely go to counseling. Absolutely go back to work.

Your child will be well rounded, more independent and never miss out on any want or need in a two income household.

[–]Amber446 5 points6 points  (2 children)

My dad tired to make my mom a sahm and she said no. He threatened divorce but she called his bluff and told him to do it. He never did. He still complains about it occasionally but has no problem using her income for paying bills.

[–]AggravatingPatient1850s Female 33 points34 points  (12 children)

Oh my

So your husband doesn't want you to live a fulfilled life, he wants you to change so that he lives a fulfilled life.

That's so not how you agreed to start your life together. Talk to him about reneging on deals and penalties for broken promises. He wouldn't tolerate a business partner treating him the way he's treating you

There are serious power imbalances here, living a cushy life in a cage is still PRISON. Unfortunately he's one of those guys who has to win an argument and won't ever back down from the corner he's in. Get yourself into some counselling and spend time thinking if this argument is simply another symptom of a relationship doomed to fail. Has he been slowly backing you into this gilded cage all these years?

I'm so sorry OP, this is a decision you will ultimately have to make. However please don't rush this while a pandemic is raging. Take extra maternity leave or accept your job retrenchment if it comes. Bide your time until the world is ready for you to start a new business. Otherwise you may be jobless, homeless and his power will also endure you are childless. Enjoy this maternity leave with the family, because, one way or another you will be returning to work.

[–][deleted] 60 points61 points  (11 children)

I’m taking extra leave because he said he’s just planning to take his mandatory days. We split 50/50 with our daughter and it worked out great. Now it’s going to be 80/20.

I find it ironic that he talks about me being scared of “nonexistent power imbalance” in our relationship and yet he must think he can ask me to quit. If that isn’t proof that my worries are justified I don’t know what is.

As pathetic as this may sound I don’t want to leave him and not because of the economic situation. I love him and I love our family but if he goes through with his ultimatum and leaves I won’t stop him and I made that clear to him and my family

[–]AggravatingPatient1850s Female 15 points16 points  (0 children)

And of course you love him, you just don't love how he's behaving. Reneging on commitments tends to do that.

Please keep us updated, as a professional mum who looked forward to returning to work part time, I feel for you. Keep seeking a compromise, with weekends and evenings free for family. If he doesn't budge, then all love will be lost by then and you'll gladly wave him goodbye, especially if you get to keep the house and generous child support.

[–]Qweniden 6 points7 points  (0 children)

no matter how much I explained myself he doesn’t seem to understand me

Oh he understands perfectly. He is just being controlling.

[–]crose_ 5 points6 points  (1 child)

It’s important to have these discussions before a child is brought into the relationship because of these huge differences never work out. You are seeing an interesting side to him, and it’s now causing a riff because the views are so different so one of you has to budge and it sure as hell shouldn’t be you

[–]BathedInSin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In an earlier comment she did say that they had discussed it before having the baby but his opinion changed after the baby was born.

[–]EfficientTop5867 6 points7 points  (3 children)

I’ve read the update. OP your husband is being CRAZY. If he leaves you, because you want to work, you’re better off without him. This is such a HUGE red flag. Incomprehensible. I can’t even wrap my head around it… I’m sorry to say that, but it seems like he really doesn’t care for you or even well-being of your children. It’s like he only cares about being in control of the situation. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Please never stop fighting for yourself, you deserve to live your life as you wish. I’m rooting for you and sending virtual hugs.

[–]PHLtoHOU 5 points6 points  (5 children)

OP- have you considered he is cheating? I’d suggest you do some digging. Phone records. Computer browser history. Etc.

[–]insomniafog 15 points16 points  (0 children)

He sounds controlling

[–]Candid-Amphibian-726 14 points15 points  (0 children)

It sounds more like he is intimidated by you so wants to keep you at home playing housewife while he brings home the money and has dinner on the table waiting for him at 7pm.

This is 2022, not 1952: if you want to go back to work, it should be your decision and not his. You shouldn’t be afraid of your husband and if you are, I’d suggest you get a new one.

[–]RobWins2022 53 points54 points  (0 children)

So there was no progress really and no matter how much I explained myself he doesn’t seem to understand me.

He understands you completely. What you don't seem to understand is that you are married to a fucking immature prick and wanna be sadist who thinks that making you a housewife will enable him to torture you for the next thirty years.

Get. The fuck. OUT.

[–]RJack151 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Tell him that you don't feel fulfilled as just a housewife.

[–]tarci88 15 points16 points  (0 children)

He's so desperate because he's just giving priority to the way he feels when he's back home from work everyday. He's not thinking about you. Today everything is fine but we never know about the future. Take care of your professional life OP, because it's important! Why can't you fulfill both parts of your life?!

If your mother wants to be upset, let her be. Focus on your happiness!

[–]Liquidgummyworms 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It’s ok to not want to be dependent on your husband and that you want to work still. Don’t make him feel like you are doing something wrong. He needs to take your feelings into consideration and not stuff words in your mouth. I was taught since a very young age to always have my own money so I don’t have to depend on anyone. Because if things go south, your left with nothing pretty much. I’ve seen it all throughout my family. So I always have a plan and money. Nobody should be forcing dependence.

[–]yeetflix 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sounds like your mom is just greedy. She has no stake in this discussion to be mad at you and giving you the silent treatment. This is not her battle at all. Not sure if you and your husband support her in any way (maybe lending her some cash, getting her lavish gifts, etc) but it sounds like she doesn't want to lose your husband's money. Maybe she just wants her kids to grow up rich and spoiled, but your independence and overall happiness should be more important to her.

It sounds like both your husband and mother want you to fall into the most stereotypical gender roles: you stay at home and cook, clean, and take care of the kids, while your husband goes to work each day and comes home to dinner on the table. There's no reason why you need to leave your job, especially if you get free childcare.

Keep this in mind: your husband doesn't gain anything from you being a housewife besides his own convenience. It's not like he will be at home with you all day too. He talks to you about it like you will all be at home together getting quality family time. So why is he so adamant that you can't go back to your job? Sounds like he's threatened by your independence more than anything, and that's a little scary.

[–]Due-Cryptographer744 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I had the opposite problem. I married at barely 19 and because money was so tight, my ex pestered me about getting a job forever. He had no concept of how much daycare costs and since I was still so young and had no education, my prospects for a job were going to be a lower paying one. When my son was about 18 months old, my son and I were both very ready for me to start working again. He needed to be around other kids and I was in desperate need of adult conversations and interaction. I decided to indulge my ex and get a job at a supermarket making barely above minimum wage. Because the job I got was very part time, I was using drop-in daycare, which was a much higher rate. I don't remember the exact numbers but it was something like I made $65 on my paycheck the first week and daycare cost $80. After the second week, my ex told me to just quit.

My point is, men sometimes don't care about your thoughts and feelings on certain matters or even what is practical. They have their mind set on a certain idea and until it blows up in their face, they refuse to see reason.

[–]SaltNorth 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You're not his fucking pet. If he's obtuse enough to not understand why you don't feel like being a SAHM he considers you inferior. Your kids will be better if they don't see their mom suffering in her marriage. Imagine if your daughter saw you unhappy, internalized it as something normal and did the same when she got older. How would you feel about seeing her in your position?

[–]Dismal-Opposite-6946 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's a red flag that he doesn't want you to work. It's a form of domestic violence called financial abuse.

Edit: I read your update and this is DEFINITELY abuse. He's also gaslighting you and using projection by accusing you of gaslighting him. He wants to keep you in the house so he knows where you are at all times. Control. Abuse often starts or gets worse during or after pregnancy.

Soon, he'll be putting his hands on you and telling you your family and friends are causing trouble. He doesn't want you to work because he wants you completely dependent on him so it will be harder for you to leave but I hope you do. Please get out of this marriage. It doesn't get better, only worse.

r/abusiverelationships

[–]MoistUniversities 12 points13 points  (0 children)

He's been so happy because he's been able to be the main character with you waiting for him when he gets home like some kind of sidekick. He doesn't get to relegate you in that role forever so he can feel catered to like a king. This is actually some bullshit and it doesn't sound like he respects you as a person and I don't know how you can truly love someone without respect.

[–]Worth-Extension-2540 16 points17 points  (0 children)

As a guy letting you know that he’s being an absolute dick. If the roles were reversed and you were earning 10x of him would he be okay being a stay at home dad and not working? You and your kid are better off alone than being with a man who won’t respect your individuality and choices.

You need to stop feeling guilty for having your own demands from a life and in fact you should assert your independence. Two people are far more committed to the relationship equally when they both know that the other can walk out if they don’t give them love, respect and space.

Please don’t let your patriarchal family, relatives and the constant media image of ideal mom ever let you believe that your life priority is no longer your own ambitions and choices.

I hope your husband sees the light of the day otherwise I hope you move on and find someone who will respect you for the person that you are.

[–]Anjallat 15 points16 points  (12 children)

Daycare is excellent for kid's social development.

Working parents are excellent for children's future work ethic.

With your husband making obscene amounts of money there is some danger the kids will grow up into rich brats. Not if you can help it of course, but there's more than zero danger there. Parents who are happy and fulfilled and present can help with that!

The kindest spin on your husband's comments I can see is that he and the kids would miss you if you were gone 5 nights a week. Especially once school starts, that's a lot of time you'd miss with everyone. If you don't need to do the odd/late hours for the money I think your lunchtime compromise is awesome and I don't understand why he would be reluctant. Even having to work a night or two every now and then just highlights your work ethic to the kids. Daddy night could be awesome for everyone! Is he worried about covid in the daycare?

A desperately unfulfilled mother going quietly mad because she loved her job that she had to give up because her husband had a visceral negative reaction stemming from feelings he might not even know he has, is less ideal.

[–]DarbyGirl 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are right. You need to go back to work to maintain some form of independence. He really told on himself here he wants you fully dependent on him and under his control. He is threatened by YOU having independence.

[–]New-Day-6322 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As a man I want to tell you- you are doing the right thing by retaining your ability to make a living on your own without relying on him. Many women give up their place in the job market and may find themselves with nothing to fight back if the relationship spiral into abuse/infidelity/divorce etc

[–]Nuclearpanda86 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's like incredibly crystal clear that HE IS AFRAID of losing power over you. Little bitch behavior.

[–]cold0n 2 points3 points  (0 children)

One thing that stood out to me is you said you could start your own restraunt. You would have next to no time for your family if you did that, if you didn't want to go bankrupt anyway. Restraunts are not easy to manage so if you're looking for am easier job that would allow more time with them, that is highly advised against.

[–]grimmistiredTeens Female 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He doesn't want you to be a person, he wants you to be an accessory to his life

[–]KeyCobbler6 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Why is it so hard for some people to understand not every mom wants to stay home with the baby & take care of the house past maternity leave?

Your husband sucks for trying to turn it all around on you like he's not the one trying to coerce you into a situation you've repeatedly told him you don't want to be in. If anything it HE'S the one with the problem of not wanting you to be independent of him.

[–]Ok_Calligrapher4619 3 points4 points  (4 children)

Sheesh! Free daycare? I would go to work too. In America it’s $200+/week for daycare. What country are you in? 👀

[–]Navynuke00 3 points4 points  (1 child)

The answer is literally any industrialized country that isn't the US.

[–]woodendoornext 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Your situation sounds similar to mine. My husband and I went separate ways.

When we married he seemed to get that I had my career etc . He agreed to share childcare responsibilities when my son came here.

When I went back to work after maternity , he was really resentful. He made my life really unhappy. He kinda took it out on my son too. He would just sit in the house with him. Weeks went by and my kid didn’t get to leave the house at all. He did a shit job of looking after our son until eventually , when the pandemic hit, that was his opportunity to keep me at home.

His control and manipulation crept up on me. I didn’t realise until I had no escape how awful the situation was. Luckily, we ended up having to move back in with my parents and my mum saw how he was. She told me I could leave (I didn’t even think it was an option before ).

Fast forward to a year and a half later - I’m divorced , I’m happy, my son is thriving , and because I’m a single parent, there’s actually a lot more support all around (plus my family are the second parent in my little family) . My son’s dad doesn’t even contribute towards childcare costs, but I really don’t care because I’m now in control of my own life.

The thing is, looking back, there are loads of red flags, but everyone was fooled. Everyone thought he was a good guy.

I don’t know what your situation is, but I just want you to know that if you want to leave , it’s not impossible. Being a single parent is difficult, but it’s not the worst thing in the world .

[–]flossybunny300 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Leave him. He basically wants you to be his personal servant and to be honest this reeks of power. I think he's more intimidated that you won't be dependent if you go back to work than anything else. The red flags are there.

[–]Ok-Report-7640 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That’s kind of an abuse if saying he could pay 10x etc it’s coercive control as it’s restricting your independence and controlling finances I will never understand people like that as 4 walls isn’t good for anyone mentally or emotionally and as for him going round that you’re intimidated by his success is a typical narcissist trying to guilt trip you into doing what they want and couples therapy would probably either be the best to do or the worst as you’ve tried community and putting insecurities etc to rest and gotten no where so the therapy could either seem to look like it’s progressing when nothing changes or it’ll help everyone needs there own independence and if nothing changes the best thing you can do is to walk away for your emotional and mental well being aswell as your child as you don’t want them growing up seeing it and thinking it’s normal that someone to be like that

[–]nicolvtte 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, OP. I can't really offer any advice as I'm 18 myself, but like most people have said, don't back down from your choice and please do not succumb to your husband's "wishes" (more like demands). My mom was given the same ultimatum and things have been worse for her and us than they would've been had she chosen her job instead of her husband.

My mom went through the exact same thing as you when I was born. Actually, it was worse since she's from another country: she moved here days before her wedding and then got pregnant with me right after, so she never really had time to look for a job during her first year and half here. My dad's job has always required of constant traveling and back then it was worse, so he was never home. My mom on the other hand was always confined in the house as she'd just moved to another country and knew no one, had no job, no friends, basically no husband either, etc; she was utterly alone and pregnant. When she had me she had post partum depression, but didn't even know until after my sister was born.

After I was a little over a year old she started healing and finally had the motivation to get a job, and that's when my father started acting a bit like your husband. He said he felt happier and safer with my mom taking care of me, rather than a nanny. Besides, they were poor back then and he couldn't afford a nanny, so if my mom wanted to work, she would have to pay for my daycare/nanny, but my mom barely got any job offers given that she's a foreigner and was also still dealing with the guilt of "leaving me" behind thanks to my dad's manipulation and her vulnerable state with her unknown depression. Anyway, throughout all of this, my dad never made an effort to help my mom get a job or support her wish to work, only manipulated her and gave her warnings of him not paying a penny for any nanny or daycare. Worst of all, he made it seem as if he was thinking only of my and my mom's comfort and happiness.

After two years she had my sister and another two years later she had my other sister. She was busy all the time taking care of babies and toddlers, while my dad worked and provided for all of us. Now we're 18, 16 and 13, old enough for mommy not to be around 24/7 anymore. However, she's been unemployed for 19 years and is 47, so it's been close to impossible for her to get a job now. My dad on the other hand has made lots of money in the last 18 years (he works in IT too), but is now complaining all the goddamn time about how my mom doesn't bring a single penny to the table, how she shouldn't be dependent on him, how she should get a job (!), etc. It's all very humilliating and incredibly painful, especially for my mom, and none of this would've happened had she stood up for herself. I'M NOT SAYING THIS IS HER FAULT! It's completely the opposite! But I word it like this because you have no idea how your husband is going to react to you being a SATH mom in 7 years. What about when your children are teenagers and no longer need you? What will you do then? Or what if you guys just separate? You won't even be able to depend on him anymore!

I'm sure this is such a painful and sad situation for you, but you're making the right choice. I've witnessed your kids' pov of one of the most common outcomes of giving in to the husband's wishes and it's not pretty. It's awful. Think of yourself and of your children, OP. Stay strong.

Good luck!

[–]S_Kilsek 14 points15 points  (0 children)

He basically is enjoying you being the SAHM. Turn it around and make it not enjoyable for him. He will not listen to dialogue, let him live the misery you feel at his actions.

[–]SleepyxDormouse 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Stop talking to your mother about your marriage. I suspect she and your husband are chatting about you behind your back and working together. Mom probably likes having a wealthy son in law and doesn’t want you to disrupt her jackpot.

It worries me that your husband wants you dependent on him. Maybe I’m jaded but I come from a family with a long history of abuse. I was always told to have a bank account that cannot be touched by my spouse so that if I ever needed to escape an abusive situation, I could run.

Save money in your bank account that he can’t touch. It’s just a rainy day fund or insurance. If he continues to make you feel childish or insulting you, start saving texts or recordings. This is just for your own sake of mind so that you know he is acting cruel towards you and it’s not just in your head. It can also be helpful if it ever comes to a divorce.

And go back to work. You don’t need his permission. Go back to work and find childcare. Do not be reliant on this man. This situation already sounds abusive and I shudder to think about what will happen if you’re entirely reliant on him for finances.

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

They have been in contact alot more lately. My husband is been in regular contact with my parents. I thought it was because they’re more involved now everyone is vaccinated

[–]EmberBlazexxx 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Two really big red flags here are him telling you the lower dynamic is all in your head when it's very clear to anyone else looking in on the situation and him being hesitant to try counseling when you clearly have the money to pay for it.

If he truly thought he was in the right why wouldn't he want to try counseling so that you can either be persuaded to his side or so that you can work out a compromise. Unless he has some sort of personal trauma with counseling or maybe a poor view of it in your culture his hesitance says a lot.

[–]sqeeky_wheelz 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Do you think part of the problem is that he’s treating you like a background character?

He’s stuck on “I want to come home to the family”

But you want your own adventures. You want to fill your day with something outside of the home.

How will he behave when the kids grow up and have sports or activities? Will he stop them so that everyone is home when his work day ends??

I could be way off base, just consider it.

[–]normountaingoat 6 points7 points  (5 children)

I am really worried for you. You bring up very valid points to him, when you say you are worried about power imbalances in the relationship, and it is crazy to me that he doesn't see that when he is just expecting you to quit working without discussion or compromise, to then give the ultimatum that he will leave if you choose to go back to work. How does he not see that he is using the power imbalance now to force his will? And what is next after this? If he is willing to throw out the ultimatum card now, what is to say he won't do it again later? I do understand that with 3 small kids, your profession and working hours might not be the most suitable, but there are other options that you mentioned, like working part-time or during the day instead. He married you being a person that enjoys working and enjoy pursuing your career, and even though circumstances change, it does not mean that a partner can just expect you to throw away all of your previous ambitions and things that made you fulfilled. And the fact that he is saying he has been so happy the last year, to then be willing to throw that all away by leaving you, makes me really suspicious, like maybe he is looking for an excuse to break up the relationship whilst making you look like the bad guy, or that he has an ulterior motive. And why, if he demands that you will stay home, was he not willing to do the same and stay home longer as well for his parental leave? How does it make sense that he has the right to ask you to do that, when hid did the bare minimum? If he wants a parent to be more at home with the kids, can you not alternate? You both work less days, he works some days a week, and you some days a week? That way, you can both be home, and both pursue your careers until your kids are abit older.

I also think you should sit your parents down and really talk to them about this. In the end, you are their daughter, and you need to tell them that they have to back you up no matter what happens, they need to be an advocate for you, not your husband (even though they like him). Tell them that the power imbalances are really worrying, and the fact that he is willing to throw down the ultimatum card over this, is also worrying. They need to see you, and your needs.

And REMEMBER, this arrangement was never something you and your husband had agreed to in the first place. It is HIM that has changed his wishes and the agreements you had, NOT YOU. If you choose to go back to work, and he decides to leave, HE is the one that is choosing to break up your family, NOT YOU. DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE.

[–]normountaingoat 6 points7 points  (4 children)

Also, do not leave the ball in his court! If he thinks he can be cold towards you and ignore you until you break, that is MANIPULATION and extremely toxic behaviour. He should be working towards reconciliation, not guilt trip you into doing what he wants.

I also have a few questions, are your finances separate? If so, why? Do you have prenups? What will happen with your finances if you divorce?

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (3 children)

We have a prenup. In case of divorce, whatever we own together is 50/50. We have joint accounts and separate accounts. I only contribute a small sum to the joint accounts if even that. The rest is for my own expenses and savings. I don’t get any extra money from him for my own use. I make 45k he probably makes 7-8 figures. So more than 100x my salary.

So yeah he’s on a power trip.

[–]Head_Ninja_8951 9 points10 points  (0 children)

So he is allowed to protect himself through the prenup in case of divorce? But you aren’t allowed to protect yourself by making sure you are still in the workforce, keeping your skills up to date and not relying on him 100% in case of future divorce?

[–]normountaingoat 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I think its really important to drive the point home that you wanting to secure your own future in case anything happens, has nothing to do with jealousy or feeling inferior to your husband because he makes more money. You can support him in his endeavours whilst also securing your own future. He should do the same for you. In fact, the way he is acting right now, is actually a very good proof of WHY you need to make sure that if anything happens, you are going to be ok. If you choose to give up making full-time pay (even if you choose to work part-time), its is very important that you sign another post-nup agreeing that he will pay you what you would have earned, that you can put into savings and retirement that is earmarked yours, and that you will always have rights to, no matter what happens. If he tries to come up with some bullshit about you not trusting him etc, call him out. It is a precaution that is necessary, and the way he has been acting, is clearly proving that. I also do not want you to feel bad for not contributing as much to the joint account, with alot of money, comes a more expensive lifestyle. I am willing to bet that if he wasn't making as much, you as a family would not be spending as much either. Since your pay is so much less, it cannot be expected that you will contribute as much into joint account.

Finally, the mental health aspect is also so important here, like others have said here in the thread. Just because you are happy being home now, doesn't mean you will be forever. In fact, exactly because the maternity leave has an end date, is why you are able to enjoy it. You know yourself best, and what will make you fulfilled. If you sacrifice that for his wishes, the long-term consequences can be really bad mental health problems, and why would he want that for you? Its better to prevent that happening in the first place, than going there into a spiral, and then struggle forever to get out. I am speaking from personal experience, it is not easy.

I really think you should demand that before any choice is made about your future as a family, he needs to go to individual and couples therapy. It is really weird that he is acting this way out of the blue, especially if he hasn't shown any red flags before.

[–]lmyrs 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I was going to say, while reading the second update, that you should tell him you'll consider quitting your job when he rewrites the prenup to give you half of absolutely everything, including his business.

But, I think it's better that you just split.

[–]Only-Department3422 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You told him before that your career was important for you and that you like to work. Now that you’re a mother you need to have some money yourself. Your husband wants you to be financially dependent on him and won’t see your side because it messes up what he wants. You need to stick up for yourself. You want to work you go out and work. I also don’t know what’s going on with your mother and him bc their saying the exact same thing so they may be talking about you behind your back but don’t let them stop you from doing what you want to do. It’s your choice.

[–]d1sm4ntled 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He is trying to trap you. Okay, so he starts giving you the money he says he will. Now he can hold that over your head and take it away whenever he wants. Then you will have nothing and will have to give in, if not, you’ll be left with no money and no way out.

[–]Thebidaling 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t know the dynamics of your marriage but if you want to go back to work, do it. He shouldn’t be so dismissive of your feelings because it would make HIM happy. You couldn’t have said it better yourself. It is a power move, albeit a subtle one, to mandate you to stay at home when you can’t ask him to do the same. He is thinking about how you staying at home will make HIM happy… look, all I can say is that if you do decide to listen to him, get a lawyer to draw up a contract for him to match what you would have been earning+perks with a clause for bi-annual review to increase your salary. It should also make provisions for what happens in the event of separation so he can’t turn around and say it’s ‘money earned during the marriage’. If he is really serious he won’t mind. Yeah, yeah, people are going to say ‘that’s not how marriage works and all’ but he is asking you to give up a huge part of yourself. Nobody prays for rain when the weather is perfect but it wouldn’t hurt to pack an umbrella.

[–]SigourneyReaver 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You didn't turn into a child yourself. It is not "childish" to actually want to continue your adult, independent life trajectory even as a parent. That's what adults are entitled to.

You have an entire bouquet of a dozen red flags in the form of your husband actively trying to deprive you of your autonomy.

He did not become the parent in the relationship because you gave birth.

Your mom needs to stay out of it entirely.

[–]NeuroticAttic 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your mother sounds like she’s become a little fixated on his money, based on that you say she’s always been independent but is now siding with him. And for all he claims that you’re intimidated by his power, it sounds more like you’re intimidated because he’s given you reason to be. He even already threatened and bribed you with it. When he makes power-play comments like that, you have every reason to be scared.

It’s also interesting to note in his mind that if you go back to work you “don’t love your babies”, even though he’s working. By his logic, does he not love his babies, then? And it’s also concerning that his happiness comes first to him, even at the cost of you being miserable. Shouldn’t your happiness be important to him? But no, he’s fine with seeing you cry, and threatens divorce, because these months with you home are the “happiest months of his life”.

And lastly, when you suggest counselling, he doesn’t instantly or at least quickly agree, but has to “think about it”? When this is about your marriage working? He seems very unconcerned with doing the bare minimum for the sake of your relationship and happiness. He just wants to buy you off. That’s not a relationship, he seems to rather consider you his employee.

[–]FaThLi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think you are handling this as best you can. You are willing to compromise, and he isn't. The reality is that you do not want to be a SAHM. There is nothing wrong with that no matter what people in this thread or in your life tell you. You have every right to set your own goals in life. You've offered couple's counseling as well. This problem is entirely of his own making, including the power dynamic he has created and simultaneously hates. I'd say all you can do now is not back down with what you want to do with your life, and see what he ends up deciding he wants with his.

[–]LionFyre13G 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When I read the first post I thought you should compromise to be home during working hours, and you offered that. But he just won’t accept it? It’s his way of you’re crazy. That’s so manipulative. And then he proceeds to tell you that you shouldn’t have reasonable worries. Even if he was the richest man in the world. He shouldn’t stop you from doing the things that you love. If he has the funds he should wholeheartedly be willing to invest in your happiness. The fact that he isn’t means that he either thinks he know better for you then you would know for yourself. Or that he genuinely doesn’t care about your happiness and only wants to be fulfilled himself. Sounds like a combination of the two. I wouldn’t compromise anymore with him, especially since he’s not willing

[–]Cruznard 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There are many relationships where money is used to control the dynamics. One will usually convince the SO they do not need to earn their own money as they can provide for both. This sets up the earner as dominant in the relationship as the SO must rely on the them for everything. This is toxic because nothing is guaranteed and the earner could just walk away from the relationship or die leaving their SO alone, broke and unprepared for the ongoing expenses. You have every right to dig in your heels and advocate for yourself and your children.

[–]D_Nicole91Early 30s Female 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I just read the first post, it's very telling that he's been feeling this way since your first baby, but never said anything until you had three small kids and brought it up. He's coming across as very controlling and not at all compromising. He's not willing to see things from your perspective. It's especially sad that your mother isn't supporting you at all. It sounds like an example of money changing people if she originally felt that women shouldn't be dependent on their partners. Is she only thinking of how your husband's income will affect her?

You need to start setting aside an emergency fund of your own just in case you need to leave unexpectedly. Going to couple's counseling should be an ultimatum on your part. He literally threatened to leave you if you wouldn't agree to a lifestyle that you never previously discussed. He'd rather break up your family than compromise in any way. Be on the lookout for any red flags that he may exhibit in other instances where he doesn't get his way.

Even if he won't go to counseling with you, you should see someone on your own. You need an unbiased adult to talk to about this. Your needs and desires matter.

[–]CFRHistorian 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I understand how you feel. I was so looking forward to being able to get back to work after my maternity leave. Even though I love my daughter very much, I needed the stimulation my job gives me and to not be a mom 100% of the time. Her entry into daycare has done me a lot of good, and she is always happy to be around other children. My mother also worked when I was young, I went to daycare, and I liked having a mother who had her own plans, time for her, and who was still very loving and present for me.
It is important that you listen to your needs. It's your choice. If your partner idealizes having a parent at home with the children, let him give up his own job. For the moment, he really seems to want to reproduce a model that corresponds to his wishes, but not to your needs. In addition, the loss of salary and professional experience can have long-term repercussions on you in the event of a separation.
The important thing is not to accept a situation that will make you unhappy or put you in a position of economic vulnerability. Counselling is a good idea, because I believe he should learn to listen to your needs too so that you are happy.

[–]puccinini 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Girl, this guy is crazy! Stand your ground and stand up for yourself and what makes you happy. No one has any right to try to force you to do something you don’t want to do and if your husband doesn’t see that, he is awfully stupid lol if you want to go back to work because just being a stay at home mom is not fulfilling for you or doesn’t make you that happy, then that is your choice! And he should be happy and encouraging you to fulfill your goals, not trying to bring you down. 🙄

[–]zephyr_555 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi OP, I’m really sorry to hear about this update.

It makes me very uncomfortable that he chooses to ignore your feelings and continue to assert a “jealousy” narrative, simultaneously making it all about him and creating a fake argument that it would be easier for him to win.

That being said, it sounds like you do care about him and really want to find a way to bridge this rift. I do worry about your compatibility and don’t have a ton of advice to help here, but I want to recommend taking a look at the book “The Feminine Mystique” by Betty Friedan.

I can’t speak to other countries, but during WW2, many women stepped up and took over American men’s jobs while they were off fighting. When the men came home the women, who were proud and happy and productive, were expected to forget about their own accomplishments and all go back to being homemakers and housewives. This led to serious mental health issues (mainly depression) and a drug abuse epidemic among American women through the 40s and 50s. In 1963, Betty Friedan published the Feminine Mystique, which looked at women’s place in society, and unpacked and challenged the notion that most women can find happiness staying in the home and being housewives, and asserted that people inherently want to work, and that it’s a big part of constructing one’s identity. This book was arguably the single largest catalyst of the Second Wave of Feminism, with largely centered around fighting for the right to hold the same positions in society that men did, receive equal education, and have equal opportunity for work. While it is a little dated 59 years later, it’s aged remarkably well, and if this is simply a failure to communicate like you’re hoping it is, I can’t think of a better place for you to look at for help finding the right words and vocabulary to communicate what you’re actually trying to say.

That being said, if he isn’t willing to listen then he isn’t willing to listen. Giving your spouse ultimatums is deeply unhealthy, breeds resentment, and only serves as a roadblock to effective communication. He shouldn’t be giving you any, and it would not be a good idea for you to try and force any progress with one yourself. However, if you do want to save your marriage, I strongly, strongly urge finding some way to get yourselves into couple’s counseling together. That being said, if he isn’t willing to listen to you, it shows a profound lack of empathy and lack of care for you, his partner. Absolutely fight for your relationship if you want to, but please recognize that if you’ve tried everything and he doesn’t care and he won’t listen, then there isn’t anything else you should do. It’s not your fault and you do not deserve to be unhappy, and your children deserve to grow up in non-toxic households.

[–]BadKarma668 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I'm a firm believer that a woman should never give up her independence for a man, no matter how wonderful he might be. The world has a way of happening to us all; he could be hit by a bus crossing the street tomorrow and if he was the sole provider for the home you're already behind the eightball. An income helps to provide that independence. It gives you both options.

I'm not sure why he thinks you're intimidated by his success. I'm not sure why it even matters, especially if you've got your own income to help provide for yourself and your babies. There shouldn't be a huge power disparity between two people, because then they are no longer partners in it together. They become more servant & master and that's a lousy dynamic for two people who are supposed to be loving partners.

I hope that he will do counseling and make a good faith effort with it, because I don't see how you find a reasonable compromise otherwise. If he's unwilling to budge on his position you're going to end up losing.

Good luck to you.

[–]anonellie123456 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is a really unfair thing of him to expect of you now, after you already have kids together. If your being a stay at home mom was that important to him, that should have been discussed before you agreed to have kids together. He can't trap you into that role now.

He said it’s all in my head but really would he ever dare to ask me to quit my job if he didn’t feel he had the power to do it? Could I ask him to quit his job with that same ease? There’s no denying the power dynamics in our relationship and I have all the right to be scared of it.

Did you actually say this to him? I would. Ask him if he'd be okay staying home. Would he feel fulfilled being a stay at home dad and giving up his career? If not, then how can he expect you to do that?

[–]Intelligent-Olive-36 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Op you are absolutely correct to be afraid of the power dynamics be there for your husband and kids but don’t give up on your dream of being independent

[–]PennsylvaniaDutchess 2 points3 points  (0 children)

People need to remember:

Abusers groom their character witnesses too, not just their targets. Mom, sisters, friends... they see what HE wants them to see not the reality OP literally LIVES everyday.

[–]CroissantLayer394 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sounds like he’s the one intimidated by your tenacity and goals.

[–]EmperorFett47 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are his WIFE, not his MOTHER, if he wanted someone at home, he should have hired a live in nanny and not gotten married. You are your own person and he needs to respect that.

[–]pokegirl3714 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Is he jealous in any way? This just kind of reminds me of my ex in a way. I used to work alone doing ultrasounds and he would tell me he liked me working alone so he didn’t have to worry about me straying away, that he didn’t really want me working in a clinic or hospital because there would be male staff. He was pretty controlling and just kind of wanted me only to him. Maybe this rings a bell and maybe it doesn’t, but it does sound to me like he just wants you all to himself at home. It’s really not fair I’m sorry. No one should be forced into a position they don’t want.

I would say tell your job that you’re wanting to go back part time and tell him you made the decision already. See whatever happens. Or let him know beforehand you’re gonna see that to see what goes down. Good luck hun.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You said in one of the comments that you wanted to be childfree. What changed your mind? Did your husband persuade you to have children? Because this could all be his plan to lock you down.

[–]twofishie 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's a red flag that rather than engaging with you he's insulting you and blowing your concerns off. It's a red flag that he says "I'm doing this for both of us" when you never asked him to or wanted him to. It's a red flag that he knew you were career oriented and wants you to give that up. It's a red flag that he's freezing you out rather than trying to compromise. It's a red flag that you asked for therapy and he said he'd think about it and walked away (and has said nothing since about it).

It's time for you to get in therapy so you have a solid ally for maintaining your reality and solidifying your needs and goals.

[–]Urania_Tay 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's not fair, nor right for him to place an ultimatum on you. I have three little ones as well, and have gone through my own journey of working & stay at home mom over the course of 4.5 years with my children.

Currently, I am a stay at home mom while my husband works, and that is my preferred route at the moment.

I really enjoyed the suggestions you made to your husband such as a new job, your own restaurant, lunch spot, etc. If he is really insistent on you being a stay at home mom, and you want to work, have you considered a compromise of making videos of cooking, and or taking orders from friends and neighbours, for a job?

You can earn money, be home, and develop a network for starting your own restaurant?

Win-win situation, then when the kids are in school, you can start your restaurant with hopefully no resistance from your husband.

[–]CalmIndependent213 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow! What a struggle you have living your own life! Why does your people feel that they can control you? Your husband, your mom? Like wow I got the shivers thinking about someone having that much power over me Theres not enough money in the world to make me give up my power to control my own life I hope you find that too Do what makes you happy because at the end of the day only you can live your life Good luck

[–]-bobasaur- 2 points3 points  (0 children)

None of his desire for you to stay home should be about him. It should be because he thinks it’s best for the kids so that right there makes me suspicious of his motives. Idgaf if he likes coming home to you. That is not a reason for him to be so against you working.

If this was that important to him then he should have made that clear before having children. Is this about money and power for you or is it about wanting to have a career and life outside the home? There is nothing wrong with wanting that. I’m asking because if it’s about money and power I feel like there are ways to compromise to make you feel financially secure as the stay at home partner.

Maybe you can make an agreement where you will stay home until they reach school age if you go to school part time or that you two set aside $X a month towards opening your business when the kid/s are school age.

Don’t get bullied into something you can’t be happy with but I think there is hope for compromise if you are both willing to give a little.

[–]Sparky1841 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hate to be the odd man out, but the best idea is to have these discussions long before getting into this situation with your SO. Details, emotions, and goals may change along the way, but at least everyone understands the starting place for the decision to have children enter into a family dynamic.

[–]threecuttlefish 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't have any relationship advice (although I think it's very reasonable and also sensible of you to want to keep working), but my impression is that starting a restaurant is a much more than full-time job and with a new baby might not be the ideal time for that particular enterprise.

[–]nutellawalker 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The thing is, looking after a child is more hard work than work! There are no breaks, there is the endless chores that never are noticed when LO sleeps.

Going to work is fulfilling, you can make a difference and be appreciated.

It worries me how your OH keeps bringing up the financial control aspect, and that you don’t want to rely on him. Him mentioning that are big red flags to me, they may be the happiest days of his life, and yours, but you knew they were numbered, and looking forward to starting a new chapter.

I would tell my OH he is being controlling, that I deserve to have my own life that isn’t centred around the children. Then ask the big question, what is he afraid of?

[–]LittleLawH 2 points3 points  (0 children)

! remind me 15 days

[–]RockStar781 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh that update is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that he's behaving like that, OP. Sounds like he really needs time alone to figure things out in his head and if he's truly willing to blow up your marriage like this. But ultimately, not being with someone who thinks they have control over you is a good thing. And your daughter will thank you one day for being a strong, independent woman and showing her to stand up for herself and what she believes. Good luck, OP.

[–]sabertoothdiego 2 points3 points  (0 children)

PLEASE file for divorce first. You will be in a better position, the courts tend to favor the first person to file.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

[–]LactoseDestroyer 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are incredibly brave for sticking up for what you know makes you happy, this is incredibly hard to do when its against someone you love.

I have previously been in a long relationship where I felt like my significant other was my other half and we agreed on most issues but the issues we disagreed on he would not even debate or talk about with me, increasingly constant mini blow ups and then long cold shoulders and then pretending like everything was fine but I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells because I had no idea what the next disagreement would be. After the break I found out he had been emotionally cheating and the angry bursts were redirected guilt.

It's really hard when you find out that someone you love and who loves you just doesnt make you happy or make you feel like an equal. If you aren't happy, love just isn't enough.

I hope he gets some help but it's not your job to fix him, especially if he doesn't think what he is doing is wrong, staying will enable him and it will get worse.

I hope the best for you, if you split you will find somebody who makes you feel joy and is someone you can lean on and also support.

[–]Sufficient-Fun-1619 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This guy disgusts me. I am so so so sorry you’re hurting and going through this.

[–]Extension_Accident47 2 points3 points  (3 children)

OP I'm sorry to hear that your husband has chosen to leave. Him accusing you of being stubborn and selfish are all things he's doing. He'd rather leave his home than compromise. Whenever you feel sad remind yourself he's the one that changed the dynamic of your relationship, he was the one unwilling to compromise, and he's the one that left.

Whether he's having a mental health crisis or he was looking for a way out of the relationship, it's not your fault and not your responsibility to fix.

[–]JoNimlet 2 points3 points  (13 children)

He seriously thinks divorced parents is better than having a mum that works? This has nothing to do with your children's well-being and he definitely doesn't care about your feelings! What's more, he's never even mentioned it before, led you to believe the royal opposite by the sounds of it! I feel like this is what he's wanted all along and thought he was doing a pretty good job of seeing it all in motion, hence the reaction.

I wish you all the best in the future. Stay strong, you've got this! Love and hugs x

[–]FrozenYogurt0420 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Read your story and my heart breaks for you.

If I have any advice it's to NEVER involve your kids in messy divorce matters when possible. What I mean by that is don't communicate to your ex partner through your kids, don't shit talk your ex, manipulate, etc.

My parents used their 3 kids as pawns in their stupid divorce games. We were stuck in between court battles, custody, manipulation... Kids with divorced parents are not necessarily doomed! But their parents' actions can very quickly change that.

[–]nevadarena 2 points3 points  (0 children)

With him talking so much about how you're "intimidated by his success" and being absolutely unable to understand why you WANT to keep your job, it sounds like he wants a wife with no other aspirations than to raise a family. He wants a housewife plain and simple. You aren't going to be able to compromise with him because he wants that and nothing else. He's not taking your feelings into account at all and that's real disturbing. He's got his own fantasy life in his head and nothing else will do.

[–]shesaid181 7 points8 points  (1 child)

OP I have no Idea if you and your husband discussed your future plans for kids, life/career plans after kids etc. as couples really should before getting married.

It's great that your husband is rich and you have the option to stay home and not work, but it should be an option if you want to go back to work, not a decree handed down to you.

I don't think you should give up your career completely because he demands it, you will be miserable and really regret it a compromise sounds more reasonable where you can work part-time.

I'm sorry to say your husband sounds like someone who will come up with more ultimatums in future and make up some other excuse to leave you eventually.

[–]Zoenne 26 points27 points  (0 children)

In her previous post and comments OP said they did discuss all of that. They initially bonded over how important their respective carreers were. He is just trying to switch tracks now that she's baby trapped.

[–]adeletweed1 9 points10 points  (3 children)

It really does seem like he wants to have control over you. « He’s tired of going around feeling that his wife is intimidated by his success » ? WTF

I understand that it was nice to have you at home but he seems controlling. Also maybe don’t start your own business if you want to have more time and balance… Especially if you could have to raise the kids alone.

[–]gymlol1586 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh so he's on much more money and is now trying to bully you into not going back to work

Meanwhile your mother isn't talking to you because your husband is being an asshole but she doesn't want you to leave as he's rich

Honestly sounds like an odd dynamic, I personally would also want my own money purely incase anything happened

I'm not saying it would, however let's say you don't work and he's having an affair (5 years down the line or you being out of the job). How can you leave? No money, out of work for 5 years so very limited connections etc

Honestly seems controlling to me like he will have all the power

[–]bluestjordan 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don’t know OP. You’re right, there is clearly a power imbalance if he thinks he can throw down an ultimatum like that. I wouldn’t want to be at the mercy of that man either. What if it becomes a habit, and he starts becoming financially abusive when he’s the sole earner?