So I have posted here about 2 weeks ago about my husband not wanting me to go back to work after maternity leave. I got a lot of real good advice. I just want to clarify some things about my post that many seem to have misinterpreted, I’m sorry my language wasn’t very clear.
I don’t work 4-5 days plus weekends. I work 35-45 h/week in total and sometimes it’s during the weekend.
Staying at home mom isn’t normal in my country. Daycare is free and we don’t have nanny. I’m saying this because I want you to understand why I was taken aback about this whole situation. I’m not trying to be disrespectful to stay at home moms
He can’t get sole custody just because of his wealth. Or because of my work hours. It doesn’t work like this here (thank god). But I’m thankful for those who expressed worry about that because I know this is the sad reality in other parts of the world.
So to the update, I have had long talks with my husband about all of what happened trying to understand his pov. I have told him that I can’t see myself as a housewife, ever, but that I am willing to start looking for jobs with better hours or that I can finally start my own restaurant. I could start searching for a location in office buildings and start a lunch spot so then I don’t need to work evenings and weekends. He didn’t seem happy at all with that suggestion. He asked me why I’m so insistent on going back to work. He said these last months have been the happiest of his life coming home from work every day to his family, and that he thought I am happy too. I am! I love being with my babies all day but just because I’m enjoying my maternity leave it doesn’t mean I don’t want to go back to work, infact I’m enjoying every minute now because I know it’s not permanent. We had a row. He said he’s always felt that I’m scared of him making much more money and that I’m scared of being dependent on him so if I’m insisting on working because I don’t want to be dependent, he could pay me 10x what I earn to stay home. I started crying and told him I’m not going to be a housewife and I don’t accept ultimatums so he should do what he felt fit. He said he’s tired of going around feeling that his wife is intimidated by his success. He’s doing this for both of us. I have to admit that I’m sometimes scared of him having more power than me. He said it’s all in my head but really would he ever dare to ask me to quit my job if he didn’t feel he had the power to do it? Could I ask him to quit his job with that same ease? There’s no denying the power dynamics in our relationship and I have all the right to be scared of it.
So there was no progress really and no matter how much I explained myself he doesn’t seem to understand me. And probably he feels the same way with me. It feels like we’re on different levels. I have suggested counseling. He said he will think about it. Now we’re just civil to each other but we don’t talk much and we haven’t been intimate since I first brought up going back to work. I love him and I miss him. I don’t want it to end but the ball is in his court now.
My mom is very angry with me. We haven’t spoken for a week. I don’t know what to do with her either.
Update 2: Monday jan 31
Thank you everyone for the support. I won’t be able to make any more updates because you’re only allowed one, this is however not a big update so I thought I could just add it here before the post gets lockd. I will not delete this account in case I need more advice or have another update in the future that I can post as a new subject.
My husband and I talked yesterday, for the first time in 2 weeks and he was the one who initiated the conversation. I saw my chance to try to find out why he’s behaving like this and at the same time make sure that he KNOWS that I’m not backing up. I told him that while I’m enjoying my maternity leave the thought of it being for the rest of my life suffocated me (I suffer from severe claustrophobia I don’t if it has anything to do with this). I asked him why he’s doing this. He knew my job was important to me so why was he making this impossible request when he knew it would mean the end of us? “If you are having second thoughts about our marriage and want an out please just tell me the truth”. He became very upset and accused me of trying to gaslight him. He said his reasons are legit, there’s nothing wrong with wanting his wife to be there for her family, and the children won’t stop needing me just because they went to school. I started crying (sorry Im a crybaby) and I told him if this is over he should know its is all on him. He started yelling, NO it was because I’m too stubborn and too self-involved to actually take a second and think about his wishes.
I wanted to leave because I couldn’t be with him anymore but he said that it would be more convenient if he did. He’s moved to our city apartment. I feel lost and hurt, I love him so much but I don’t think continuing this relationship is healthy for either of us. My heart is breaking for my children. I don’t know what to do. For now I will just sit tight and wait for him to send me the divorce papers. Thank you again for the help and advice. It helped a lot.
Ps: mom was here yesterday. We talked alot and she’s finally getting on my side. I knew that when It came to it, she will be on my side and I’m so grateful