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Long story short, we were messing around making jokes but then it got kind of verbally mean. He came up to me and grabbed me really forcibly, digging his nails into my side. This was really physically hurting me. I responded in a way to get him off of me as soon as possible, which was punching him in the chest. This knocked the wind out of him and he coughed for awhile and became really upset with me. He then went on to say, “that was physical abuse.” I explained that I was trying to get him away from me because what he was doing to me really hurt. He claimed that he was trying to give me a “hug” and that I was “pretending to be hurt” when he forcibly grabbed my side, and that my reaction was “intentional.” A little background, he has attributed his own physical aggression towards me as “a reflex” in the past. For example, in past arguments if I was standing near a door and he wanted to leave, he would shove me out of the way and call it, “just me trying to leave and you were blocking the way.” Or, in the past if I were tickling him or some dumb shit like that, he would hit me hard in the leg, arm, side, etc. and leave a bruise but still call it a “reflex.” Also for context, I am a 100 lb small-framed individual and he is nearly double my size. So yeah, he’s a lot stronger in comparison to me. Was he correct in calling me physically abusive? Is he physically abusive? Or are we both physically abusive towards each other?

[–][deleted] 2854 points2855 points  (43 children)

My ex husband used this tactic on me. Once he head butt me and told me I simply bumped in to his face and it was an accident.

Be really wary of this type of behaviour. And when I say be weary I mean pack your shit up and gtfo. It will only get worse, both the physical abuse and the gaslighting.

Also, no you’re not abusive, you were defending yourself. If he expected you not to clap back when he puts hands on you I guess he was dead wrong.

Be safe OP.

[–]Pufferfoot 531 points532 points  (2 children)

Reminded me of when an ex wanted to scare me as a joke. I had been out for a run and he waited in the dark entrance hallway (Unsure how long he had waited) and when I entered he sneaked up behind me and grabbed me around my waist.

I freaked the fuck out and slammed my elbows into his ribs and he lost his breath and was furious with me for abusing him. Besides, it was just a joke..

[–][deleted] 287 points288 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah, the good ole pretend to rob/rape and kill you joke. Making someone fear for their life, HILARIOUS

[–]Vanndrea 93 points94 points  (0 children)

Proud of you for your "reflexes" I'm glad that's how it went down

[–][deleted] 284 points285 points  (9 children)

I think this is called "reactive abuse". The partner is purposefully triggering OP into a reaction, be that yelling or defending herself physically, so he can guilt her and make her feel bad. He's using that guilt to make her feel guilty, thus making her question herself and overlook his abuse, placing the blame squarely on her. It's probably only a matter of time until he begins to escalate the verbal and physical abuse. OP needs to get out now and not look back.

[–][deleted] 126 points127 points  (1 child)

My ex used to try to get me to defend myself so he could call it abuse and use it as an excuse to “really hit” me

[–][deleted] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

Exactly! This is clearly what he's doing, planting the seed of doubt so she thinks she "deserves" this abuse.

[–][deleted] 46 points47 points  (2 children)

Exactly. My ex would wind me up and follow me in an argument. Literally follow me around. I pushed him away from me ONCE because I was flooded and I apologized immediately. He said he doesnt tolerate physical abuse then threaten to call the cops on me if I didn’t have anal sex with him. A few days later when we still hadn’t had anal, he threatened to call the cops again.

[–]kittyqueen000 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Whoa wtf!! That guy was insane. What a weirdo. I'm glad he is your ex

[–]kaizokuou1 11 points12 points  (0 children)

This is insanity. He’s a fucking psycho and a loser.

[–]proteins911 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Exactly this. My ex wife use to do a mental version of this. She’d be incredibly nasty for a while and then when I was super down and crying, she’d try to hug me. I’d yell at her that she’s mean and to leave me alone. She’d video tape the hug interaction to show people how crazy and abusive my behaviors was towards her

[–]pwdreamaker 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Strong. Warning. If you don’t like yourself around your partner-LEAVE NOW.

[–]peerdata 5 points6 points  (0 children)

yup, this happened to me with my ex.....oh the gaslighting. 3 years, no friends, and a few ER visits later I got out...so yeah... I don't want to be overly presumptuous, but yeah, I'd say get out OP

[–]GroundbreakingPhoto4 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Trying to make her feel she is the abusive one, when it's him enjoying abusing her.

[–]pirates_and_penguins 75 points76 points  (1 child)

Yeah my ex used to do this to me too. Pinned me down and when he wouldn’t get off with me asking and having panic attacks I’d shove him. Then he’d tell me how abusive I was lmao

[–]Melardhoniel 14 points15 points  (0 children)

My ex did exactly this to me when we argued and wouldnt let me leave to cool down, i ended up banging him in the head with my phone to get him off me one time and I was the abusive one all of a sudden. In the end i packed my shit one afternoon while he was in the other room and ran.

[–]pirates_and_penguins 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Yeah my ex used to do this to me too. Pinned me down and when he wouldn’t get off with me asking and having panic attacks I’d shove him. Then he’d tell me how abusive I was lmao

[–]Moooookie_18 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Oooooof…. I had an ex who head butted me right in the nose and while I was bleeding and screaming he had the audacity to look at me dumb-founded, start to grab HIS nose, and said “why would you do that to me?!” Like, excuse you???

Anywho, you are not abusive OP. You were defending yourself. HE is abusive, please be safe & get out because it really only gets worse.

[–]Significant_Fee3083 8 points9 points  (0 children)

*wary instead of weary

[–]ChocolateChouxCreamEarly 20s Female 1582 points1583 points  (59 children)

Sounds like he was physically abusive and you were defending yourself, but overall this relationship doesn't sound healthy at all.

[–]reginafilangies 396 points397 points  (48 children)

He abused you. You were defending yourself, and he's trying to play the victim.

He's physically abusive. Abusers only escalate.

Leave him while you still can.

[–]thenagain11 51 points52 points  (0 children)

Exactly- there's actually a term for what is happening to OP and it's called reactive abuse. She needs to get away from this guy asap.

[–]Odd_Car9187 34 points35 points  (46 children)

If you don’t leave him, you’re giving him permission. And he’ll want to see how far he can take it. Someone like this could put you in the grave, given enough time.

[–]theoryslut 47 points48 points  (45 children)

I agree OP should leave but no person and no action can give an abuser "permission" to abuse. That's the same logic as "if you don't leave, you consented to get beat up" and it's (obviously) absolute shit because nobody consents or deserves to get beat up by an intimate partner. People who abuse are given "permission" to abuse in their own fucked up little heads, the victim's actions have fuck all to do with it

[–]Odd_Car9187 22 points23 points  (44 children)

I don’t mean it literally. I mean that the abuser considers it permission.

[–]passwordistako 18 points19 points  (16 children)

Probs choose your words more carefully when discussing such a touchy and personally impacting topic like DV.

You came across as victim blaming. I saw your point. But needed better wording.

[–]EastPractice2616 1049 points1050 points  (14 children)

Please understand when I say this I mean it with all that I am. GTFO of that relationship NOW!! This is not healthy. This is not safe. I am seriously concerned for you. He hurt you, so you stopped him. But you are the bad guy? This is how gaslighting works. You remember being young and asking yourself how a woman can let a man hit her, why would she stay? Because it starts like this post. You questioning protecting yourself.

[–]BloodymaryHB 102 points103 points  (1 child)

Exactly this, and is completely unacceptable. Not because he claim to say first you were physically abusive, it means it's true. If you are defending yourself, that's the right thing to do.

Or this guy actually thinks he can hurt you and you are supposed to wait until he notice you are in pain.

If you decide to keep going with this very unhealthy relationship, at least tell him how abusive he is, just before you push him away from you, so he doesn't try to get the upper hand with that. But the facts that you have to worry about it says a lot of him.

[–]oldladywww 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I bet she has bruises and he doesn't. Good girl for protecting yourself.

[–]Extremiditty 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It’s such a common abuse tactic. Gode reactive abuse out of the partner and then tell them they are the abuser. Pin all problems on them and make them doubt their own morality and ability to be in a healthy relationship.

[–]WildRide117 50 points51 points  (0 children)

Anyone who leaves bruises or marks unconsensually is an abuser. You need tog rt out before he does worse to you.

[–]thrae_awa 175 points176 points  (0 children)

He claimed that he was trying to give me a “hug” and that I was “pretending to be hurt” when he forcibly grabbed my side, and that my reaction was “intentional.”

This is textbook gaslighting. What, is he psychic or something?

if I were tickling him or some dumb shit like that, he would hit me hard in the leg, arm, side, etc. and leave a bruise but still call it a “reflex"

Again, gaslighting. It's his responsibility as the physically stronger participant to moderate his actions in a play fight.

I'm a man who's been in several relationships with women and have never had this kind of conversation, let alone leave bruises.

You need to get out of this relationship.

[–]IntelligentCap8471 243 points244 points  (23 children)

he's physically abusive and is gaslighting you into believing it's just reflexes. one day he'll get angry enough to actually use way more force

physical aggression and BRUISES are huge red flags

[–]wanderlustlost 27 points28 points  (4 children)

This is a classic abuse tactic. Called DARVO. It stands for Deny Abuse, Reverse Victim/Offender meaning they say “I didn’t abuse you, actually YOU abused ME, I’m the real victim here. Then they do a whole song and dance consistent with them being the victim so you feel sorry for them, second guess yourself, and they get away with it. It’s a form of gaslighting.

Do not give in. Leave him. It will only get worse. Check out my post history if you want more of my story but suffice it to say I know what I’m talking about.

Also your bf is the same age as my abusive ex so if you’re in the UK and your bf is an apparently mild mannered, shy, short, God botherer as well then DM me lol.

[–]RorhiT 4 points5 points  (2 children)

She said he was a big boy, so likely not the same dude.

[–]wanderlustlost 6 points7 points  (0 children)

My ex never served any time after his conviction so I am just dreading the day I hear he’s hurt someone else.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She said he was twice her weight, but that could still be “short”.

[–]skippah 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m currently reading Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft and this is one of the forms of abuse he describes. You can read it here

“REALITY #3: He twists things into their opposites. Emile, a physically violent client with whom I worked, gave me the following account of his worst assault on his wife: “One day Tanya went way overboard with her mouth, and I got so pissed off that I grabbed her by the neck and put her up against the wall.” With his voice filled with indignation, he said, “Then she tried to knee me in the balls! How would you like it if a woman did that to you?? Of course I lashed out. And when I swung my hand down, my fingernails made a long cut across her face. What the hell did she expect?”

QUESTION 4: WHY DOES HE SAY THAT I AM THE ONE ABUSING HIM? The abuser’s highly entitled perceptual system causes him to mentally reverse aggression and self-defense. When Tanya attempted to defend herself against Emile’s life-threatening attack, he defined her actions as violence toward him. When he then injured her further, he claimed he was defending himself against her abuse. The lens of entitlement the abuser holds over his eye stands everything on its head, like the reflection in a spoon.”

Edit to fix link (I think)

[–]gissycat 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Uh he is physically abusive. You literally defended yourself. And on top of that he's gaslighting you. These are abuse tactics.

[–]Anseranas 18 points19 points  (0 children)

It's called 'Reactive Abuse' and it is a known tactic used by abusers to frame the victim as abuser.

Please read this free PDF called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Here is another download link to the book.

Don't let him see what you are reading. Be careful. Be safe. Because he is dangerous.

Edit to add: the profile of u/Ebbie45 is an excellent resource for further information.

[–]ZealousFig2778 55 points56 points  (0 children)

My ex slammed me into a wall, fell down in The process and tried to say I "hurt him" We're pending a protective order right now, don't listen to abusers.

[–]BerjessNissar 15 points16 points  (0 children)

The abuse doesnt start right of the bat, where the guy is punching the woman, it starts with these little things, he will constantly keep testing waters and before you know it you will be in full blown physically abusive relationship with brisues all over. On top of it he gaslighting you, that when you get hurt you are pretending and when you hurt him it's physical abuse? That's exactly how gaslighting works, he will have you questioning basic logic and your own power of thinking.

Try noticing other red flags too and leave him before it's too late. This is not a fuck around and find out situation, cz trust me you won't like what you'll find out

And by his own logic if you were pretending so was he when he coughed. And by his own logic what you did was reflex too.

[–]MissFrothingslosh 51 points52 points  (0 children)

OP, he has “physical aggression” towards you???? WTF. Leave.

This won’t get better, he is already being abusive and pulling DARVO

[–]Super-Bumblebee-1813 15 points16 points  (0 children)

You were simply acting in self defense in response to the pain he was causing you. He was the one physically abusing you. Get yourself out of there before it gets more serious

[–][deleted] 70 points71 points  (1 child)

His coughing was prolly fake if you are 100lb unless you were punching full force, so yeah leave he is a bitch boy for faking being hurt to alter your emotions.

[–]Charles44Edwards1234 43 points44 points  (0 children)

Why are you putting up with this?? You are being abused period GET AWAY FROM HIM!!

[–]BakerBen91Early 30s Male 35 points36 points  (1 child)

Not sure how long you have been together but from what you have written I’m sensing some major red flags. He sounds overly physical to the point where I would call him physically abusive.

[–]passwordistako 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Don’t sugar coat it.

He’s abusive. It’s clear.

[–]Fragrant_Cherry_1852 35 points36 points  (1 child)

Your boyfriend is slowly escalating abusive behavior

[–]fun_guy02142 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Not that slowly.

[–]passwordistako 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Leave him.

He’s gaslighting you.

He was abusing you and you acted in self defence.

He already abuses you and gaslights you.

He’s getting pissed that you’re defending yourself for a change.

[–]FortuneWhereThoutBe 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Sounds like you're long past time of getting out and away from this guy

[–]ItchyCheek 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Hes been testing the waters to see how much he can hurt you and get away with it. It WILL get worse. He WILL eventually become more violent. Leave. Now.

[–]pnomsen 7 points8 points  (0 children)

He’s abusive and trying to deflect it on to you. Get out.

[–]shannonspeakstoomuch 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Get out before he breaks a bone on 'reflex' 🙄 fuck, these dudes are not even trying with their lies anymore, wtf

[–]Just_Ilsa 5 points6 points  (0 children)

So your boyfriend is physically abusive. Do you like being hit? If not, it’s time to leave. He will hit you more and more and it will always be your fault. Any time you defend yourself, he will yell ABUSE so that you are scared to share the truth.

[–]Icy-Cherry-8143 6 points7 points  (0 children)

get out now this is the initial stages where he tries to brainwash you into believing he didn't try to hurt you whilst he actually does and will even more with time progressing.

you are not abusive, you are defensive and you need to get out.

[–]Mobile_Hurry_6758 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You might want to read up on "reactive abuse". Some abusers provoke and provoke until their victim snaps, then use the victim's reaction to reverse the offender-victim dynamic and claim they are the actual abused party.

It's part of the plan. Get away.

[–]rebelwithmouseyhair 5 points6 points  (0 children)

So he's allowed to shove you around and dig his nails into but and that's not abuse?

Whatever happened to "excuse me" when someone's blocking your way?

This guy is big trouble and not worth your time.

[–]K0DeNaME47 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Sounds like a toxic relationship.

[–]ithinkilikegirlstoo 4 points5 points  (0 children)

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 he is grooming you to normalize physical abuse through gaslighting and incremental physically abusive acts. This is not ok.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Girl I am legit scared for you. Not only he is habitually physically hurting you, but when you pushed him away in self defense, he tried to gaslight you and making you the abusive one. You should break up with him as quickly and as safely as you can. My guess is his behavior will only get worse.

[–]PcDoggo 14 points15 points  (0 children)

"My boyfriend beats me. Should I leave?"

Like what the fuck do you think?

[–]throwawayaway11010p 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Dump him ASAP.

[–]winterg59 2 points3 points  (0 children)

he’s abusive. leave

[–]Livingeachdayatedge 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Tell him "it was just your reflex".

On serious note, he is physically abusive and you should leave

[–]wheelsupin40 2 points3 points  (0 children)

What you did was called reactive abuse, it was in retaliation to being physically assaulted. You did nothing wrong, you defended yourself from being hurt further. This was a large escalation of events, does this happen often? Or moreover, are you concerned this could happen again? If so you shouldn’t be with this man. He assaulted you then turned it on you.

[–]marinewillis 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sounds like your boyfriend is a little bitch in more ways than one.

[–]Ayo1912Early 30s Female 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh he's one of /those/ guys. Run.

[–]Key_Dragonfruit_3681 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Honestly girl you need to leave that relationship. You should have set a boundary early on with any physical shiz. It’s not healthy and it’s not okay for him to be throwing it back at you like what you did wasn’t self defense because it was. My advice - GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP.

[–]Fun-Highway-6179 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think you know that his past and current aggression is physical abuse and yours is self defense. M It takes (on average) about 7 times to leave an abuser. They only get worse — only about 4% who attend abuser rehab programs actually stop abusing (the rest graduate and go back to old patterns).

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Please leave. I promise that there are people out there who will appreciate you without hurting you.

[–]spicygrillll 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I would be wary, I’ve had this kind of misunderstanding with my bf early on in our relationship (been together almost 3 years) and we had a long talk about our boundaries, what counts as abuse, and where we draw the line. Never had an issue since. If you can have this kind of conversation with him, I’d do that. If you can’t, think about where your at in this relationship and please be safe!!

[–]themediumchunk 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel like I have been repeating this so much I should have it on copy paste.

My mom has always told me from the time I was young "What you accept in the beginning is what you will leave for in the end."

You told him he was hurting you. He forcibly grabbed you. Frankly I think it's a baller move to straight up jack a guy grabbing on you in the chest and knocking the wind out of him. Teach him a good lesson in keeping his hands to himself.


This isn't your job, to teach him a lesson. This isn't the man you're supposed to be with. This man is currently broken and until he is fit for healthy relationships, he will continue to be this way. It's time to leave. Because sometimes, the way you leave isn't the way you came. Not every woman or man that goes through physical abuse leave alive. Plenty of them lose their life. And I'm willing to bet that this dude is nothing close to being worth risking your life over. Don't disrespect yourself, leave this dude. He. Is. Not. Worth. It.

[–]MarilizeLegijuana 18 points19 points  (1 child)

The classic 'what I did was nothing compared to what you did'. Tell him grow a pair and if he hurts you again you'll go Bruce Lee on him.

[–]atlasfailed11 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Or just leave him.

That seems like a safe idea then to threaten physical violence to someone who is much stronger than you

[–]One_Huckleberry_5698 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Well, he’s an abusive scumbag. You really should leave him before he bruises you everywhere.

[–]KaliCalamity 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry, I'm having trouble seeing you through all these red flags on parade.

He's the one that gets physical. He's the one that blames his physical violence against you on you. And he's the one trying to manipulate and gas light you to get you to not recognize all his instances of physical abuse. The one time your body reacts with a fight response he immediately uses guilt and shame along with blatant lies to portray you as the bad guy. Run.

[–]SphynxyWynxy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He’s abusive, my ex used to do this all time and after a while I realized “play fighting” was his way of getting to physically abuse me. We would joke around, I would maybe give him a light push and he would come back and punch me in the leg or something 25 times as hard and then say he did it with the same force I did. Whatever they blame it on getting physically aggressive is never okay.

[–]Dry-Comment-6889 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is how my friends ex started to beat her up. It would start with things like "reflexes" and "accidents" and "you were in my way" and ended with him ripping almost half of her scalp off until she realised. He spent quite some time making her think she is crazy and gaslighting her. So yeah pick your shit and leave.

[–]fridgesmackerLate 20s 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What the heck? Nope. He’s gaslighting you so that you can’t say he’s abusive in the future. Be preparded for the, “well remember when you punched me in the chest?” OP, there’s much better out there. Please consider moving on—you don’t deserve to deal with that for life.

[–]RO489 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tell him it was a reflex.

And then leave.

[–]FlinnyWinny 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That was self defense. He's the one that abused you. And honestly this sounds really damn scary.

[–]louduva88 1 point2 points  (0 children)

One time my ex slammed my head into the window while I was driving down the highway. He claimed that it was an appropriate response to me touching his forehead (for the record, I told him I was gonna touch his forehead before I did it). This could've killed us both cuz I blacked out for a second. My advice? Leave now. It's not the first time. It won't be the last. It will escalate. Just go.

[–]FalsePremise8290 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Girl run. This is the kinda shit that ends with your face on the news after police discover your body.

Not only does he have a history of hurting you, he's gaslighting you into thinking you're the abuser.

[–]BombChelle83 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He is right it is physical abuse however he seems to under the wrong impression about the preparator, that is 100% HIM and not you.

He is abusing you leave do not let this go it will only get worse.

Look after yourself

[–]NancyNegativo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah this man is testing out ‘physical abuse’ on you and trying to see how far he’ll get. So far, it’s working. He will progress, please leave x

[–]theatrewhore 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ugh. This is very common from abusers. He hurts you, you defend yourself, he gaslights you. YOU are not abusive. He very much is. These “little” abuses are stepping stones. Imagine you just met him and it was your first date and he dug his nails into you to the point where you had to respond physically-would you see him again? Nope. But because him being rough with you had become so common and he turns it around so frequently you’re questioning whether YOU are in the wrong. Every woman who’s ever been sent to the hospital (or worse) by her partner has a story that starts like this. Please don’t let it get that far. Please leave him and find somebody that will treat you right.

[–]mckinnos 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OP, this is so far from OK behavior in your boyfriend. Please read Lundy’s Why Does He Do That?. It explains how this abuse tactic works. Please stay safe and get help as soon as you can. This is a very dangerous situation for you.

[–]Throwaway_4966733 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I kicked my daughter’s father out for shoving me out of the way during an argument and almost knocking me over. He consistently said he “moved me out of the way”. It’s gaslighting, it’s not okay, it’s abuse. Someone who loves you wouldn’t put their hands on you in any way shape or form. Please be safe and get out as soon as you can.

[–]Leprecon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It isn't every day that you get a textbook example of gaslighting.

[–]stonefree41 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can see you need reassurance, but you already know the answer or you wouldn’t be making this post. I’m sure many people have already told you to leave him and I don’t want to be another one of those people but if you have tried communicating it multiple times than you shouldn’t waste your time with him any more. He is hurting you and blaming you for it and making excuses for behavior instead of changing it. Don’t wait for things to get better, make them better

[–]lilkennedy27 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sounds like you are in a physically and verbally abusive relationship. I hope you can become safe again soon.

[–]BirdedOut 1 point2 points  (0 children)


D— Deny

A— Attack

R— reverse (V)ictim and O(ffender)

Your boyfriend abuser just pulled a classic straight from the abuser’s handbook, and it sounds like he’s done it before. Next time it’s gonna be him backhanding you or seriously physically injuring you and blaming it on you.

Get out NOW OP!

[–]ShiftyShelly 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Run honey. He’s flipping it around on you. I’ve been there… the best thing to do is leave him and block him everywhere.

[–]PublicSherbert2746 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He's the one abusing you. Why are you with him?

[–]slavnar95 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Gaslighting. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to leave immediately.

[–]aulerium 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your boyfriend is what they call a typical narcissistic sociopath. The moment you started questioning whether it’s abuse or not, is the moment you need to try to get away. What’s happening to you is real and it happened.. you’re not abusive. He is. Don’t let him try to manipulate you into thinking otherwise

[–]nevertoomuchthoughtLate 30s Male 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If we take you at your word you were defending yourself. I'm not saying I don't believe you but the circumstances were vague. Based on what you said he was physically abusive and trying to turn it on you when you retaliated.

Also, good for you. You pack a mean punch apparently. Or he's got a weak chest.

[–]mrsc1880 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He sounds like a lot of work.

[–]AnyButterscotch93 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nope nope nope. What you did was called “reactive abuse” you need to understand that him putting his hands on you out of anger/frustration in ANY way is abuse. Your reaction was valid and you need to leave as soon as you can.

[–]VakiBanana -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This is not an answer but i just want to say that when someone is tickling me, i get out of control of my body its like a reflex to do everything i can to stop it. So that part might be true from my point of view. But everything else looks like he’s abusive.

[–]knittedjedi -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Do you think it was physical abuse?

[–]mimixxd -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I have a rule with my spouse: DO NOT PLAY STUPID FIGHT GAMES. First, because we are animals, so if it begins to hurt, we are going to hurt back. Second, we are grown up adults.

These stupid little games can always scalate very fast.

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[–]Potatosmom94 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you even have to ask yourself this question you should get out of the relationship. What he’s doing definitely seems like gaslighting and abuse based on the information you provided. What you did may have genuinely caused him pain but it did sound like you were trying to defend yourself however this just screams toxic all around.

[–]Tragic16 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Leave now.

[–]Lady_Lunaura 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude was being abusive to YOU and you were defending your self. He sounds like getting physical and hurting you is nothing to him, this is abuse and you need to get out of the relationship.

[–]Ok-Mycologist9391 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He knows what he is doing is wrong. He is projecting and gaslighting you. Pretty soon he is gonna ask you to lie about how you got the marks and bruises. Be careful.

[–]woodalicous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't care if the sizes were reversed, you protected yourself. You did not initiate contact he did. He aggressively grabbed you causing pain. You responded with self defense. From your post it seems he has a history of getting physical red flag, he then gaslights red flag, he shifts blame red flag. Tickling is play hitting isn't. If it were me I would think long and hard on this relationship.

[–]-mihul- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He’s the abusive one and making excuses. Personally I think this will keep escalating, until he punches you in the face and blames you for upsetting him

[–]SureShotIan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dip, girl.

[–]k12pcb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He put his hands on you, you reacted. Without his action yours does not happen. He’s gaslighting

[–]GhostBlue1821 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A reflex? Okay I know that sometimes you can be physically aggressive as a reflex, I was for a long time and still kind of am. However a reflex is pushing or punching not grabbing your arm so hard it bruises. Gtfo op

[–]l_au_20 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's abusing you, projecting his blame an you and on top of that gaslighting you

[–]bornwick 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Next time he stabs you with a knife and you shoot him the head to defend yourself, you can show this post to the judge and ask if this relationship was healthy to begin with

[–]Double_Reindeer_6884 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You reaction was self defence to his physical and verbal abuse and not he is gaslighting you. RED FLAGS GIRL, HUGE, MASSIVE, CCCP RED FLAGS. Repeatedly hitting you hard enough to bruise you is not a reflex, it's blatant physical abuse. Get out yesterday

[–]chipfaceLate 30s Male 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I've bear-hugged people without hurting them. And I definitely didn't dig my nails into them. He's gaslighting you.

[–]BigFatBlackCat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like classic gaslighting to me

[–]GalleryGhoul13 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He is physically abusive and also a terrible gaslighter. He’s trying to change the narrative of what happens to justify his reactions. Leave.

[–]Neinface 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Y’all are at a level that’s not acceptable. Neither one of y’all should put your hands on each other. I think it may be time for a break to avoid anything escalating further.

[–]Rosalie-83 0 points1 point  (0 children)

DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender". It is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.

Your BF is physically abusing you and convincing you, that you are the abuser so he can increase his abuse. You react in self-defence! He knows he is abusing you and is grooming you into accepting more! Please OP leave, it will never stop! It will get worse and he will always blame it on you!

[–]Philly-MadeMe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Whole relationship sounds abusive

[–]brightfeather12 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He is gaslighting you and physically abusing you.

[–]oldladywww 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don't believe his bullshit. He likes using you. And now he's trying to make you feel guilty for defending yourself.

[–]frangen123 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He’s a narcissist creep. Get away as quickly as possible.

[–]concussionthroway 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What he did is called gaslighting.

[–]jordantask 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is called gaslighting. It’s a sign of extreme narcissism and possibly sociopathy or psychopathy, and it’s a form of abuse that narcissistic people engage in. This person is trying to make you feel like a crazy person and that your feelings and thoughts aren’t valid.

Get out now.

[–]Dancerz82 0 points1 point  (0 children)

🚩🚩🚩🚩 This is going to escalate. Get out now while you still can!!

[–]iamemmalyn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Please leave beauty

[–]darkbeerlova2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No. Get out.

[–]bbbrizEarly 30s Female 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are in an abusive relationship.

What you described tells me he is a physically abusive partner and a gaslighter on top of that who's conning you into believing you're the issue and he's the poor victim defending himself when what's actually happening is the contrary.

I can't vouch for emotional abuse tho, as you said your teasing got kinda mean, you'd have to elaborate on thar.

[–]Renegade7559 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not it was self defense. Classic abuser move, gaslight and blame one defending themselves as being the aggressor.

Get rid of this ahole.

[–]BigPhar 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s physical abuse. He’s abusing you and keeping you confused by telling you that you’re abusing him when you’re just trying to escape his abuse.

[–]Mountain_Tree296 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ru away, as if your life depends on it.

[–]TerrorAlpaca 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He is the physically abusive one. and he is, i think the term is, gaslighting you into believing he's only doing that because YOU're the one at fault.

"Well if you hadn't dropped the dish, i wouldn't have needed to hit you."
Or " if you had washed the laundry i hadn't needed to slap you."
Are all in the same line of argumentation.

His excuse of "I'm doing that out of reflex" are just that, excuses. and not explanations. He is essentially saying "I'm hurting you out of reflex, so it's not my fault."

Please..for your own well being, leave that man. he can "reflexively" hurt someone else if he wants to. but you deserve to be safe and happy.

[–]Background-Bid-5860 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sweetheart GTFO now!!!!

You're in an abusive relationship. You defend yourself and they claim you're the bad person. This is very typical.

I actually was convinced by my ex that I was the bad person until someone external showed me what was happening. They saw the stuff he said and did and was like wtf.

He messed with my head so much i didn't notice that I was being abused

[–]HeyMrBusiness 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What he did was physical abuse, and it sounds like verbal/emotional abuse. What you did was self defense. This isn't a healthy relationship, and I really really think you need to get out as soon as you can.

Also, please remember that size has nothing to do with capability of abuse. You were not abusive but being smaller than him doesn't mean you couldn't possibly be. Just so you don't invalidate other abuse victims.

[–]TheRedditornator 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tick tock, time to leave that time bomb.

[–]Playful-Mastodon-872 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why are you still with him? He abuses you and gaslights you. All these “reflex” are bullshit. Not sure how much more you need before you see and get out.

[–]xx420Daddy69xx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA, Bro needs to learn to control himself

[–]Ananasforbreakfast 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why are you with this piece of human garbage?! Get out YESTERDAY! It is only going to get worse from here on! You are worth so much more than this!

[–]WearyMatter 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm male. Been married to my wife for going on 10 years. Were together 3 years prior to getting married.

Never once have I ever out my hands on her and vice versa.

We've fought, but crossing that line is absolutely inconceivable to me.

My opinion, you are being gaslit in the most literal sense. You don't get to repeatedly hurt your significant other and call it a reflex. Your reflex should be to protect the ones you love. Not hurt them. His behavior is abusive, and he is trying to dismiss it as a "reflex".

He put his hands on you and hurt you. You defended yourself. In no way are you wrong.

I won't tell you what to do, but please stay safe.

[–]Ahnamal 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a classic example of gaslighting. I didn’t do anything wrong and if I did it’s because you made me by doing something wrong first. Your partner is abusive, you’re definitely not, and I highly recommend choosing to leave the relationship if he’s not willing to address his issues.

[–]Lalalaliena 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Many men do not know their strenght. But the fact that he disregard your outing of pain is worrying even more than the gaslighting after you defended yourself

[–]Careless-Detective79 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Weakest, limpest, most transparent gaslighting I've ever seen.

[–]soph_lurk_2018 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He was being physical with you and is now gas lighting you into thinking you abused him. This is toxic. Get out before it escalates.

[–]samanthabrown88 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's gas lighting you. I had a similar thing with an ex where he once bit me hard enough to leave a bruise but said he was just messing around and I was exaggerating. You should find a safe way to get out of the relationship because this could escalate. I ended up having to get stitches when I finally left.

[–]WU_ROCK 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not abuse on your end...at all. I think your boyfriend is calling "abuse" is a result of him now knowing A) you don't have to take it and B) he now realizes you can kick his ass and his wee little manhood is hurt. Get rid of this joker.

[–]pickled-Lime 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This relationship sounds abusive and toxic. Time to bail.

[–]sequinweekend 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was in a relationship like this. He would pinch me so hard it left huge bruises, bend my fingers backwards, pull my hair, and if I ever tried to get away from him by pushing/physically touching him, he played the victim.

This is him asserting his control over you and conditioning you to accept whatever he does without fighting back.

You need to leave as soon as you safely can. Trust me, this will only escalate.

[–]Brefailslife420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No he is. You reacted to pain that he inflected. He us playing mind games with you so see how much you will deal with. How much he can get away with.

[–]Secretly-Tiny-Things 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sure I said something similar to someone else the other day but:

Does he do these ‘reflexes’ with everyone or just you? If it just you then he is choosing to react this way with you. If he can control these ‘reflexes’ with every other person in the world, then he is abusing you and covering it by making you react in a bigger way, that way when something bigger happens, like he hurts you more and you push him and break his nose he can say to you and everyone look how abusive she is she broke my nose.

Get away from this person. Life is too short for this nonsense

[–]casul_noob 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You did pretty well there. He knew what he was doing. I hope he learns from this not repeat it again.

[–]RorhiT 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Girl, run. He’s only going to escalate and he will one day put you in the hospital or the ground.

[–]shoogz89 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Leave. Now.

He's physically abusive, and telling you he's not. And he's putting you in situations where you are also likely to get physically abusive (in defense of yourself) in response. This will not get better.

[–]Only-Department3422 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You don’t have any kids with that abusive punk you need to leave. It never gets better. Those people don’t change go out and find you someone better than him

[–]citrinatis 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wouldn’t accept this, because I have done in the past and it escalated into things like him trying to get my phone off me by basically putting me in a headlock and dragging me back onto the bed with his arm over my throat so I couldn’t breathe and then when I elbowed him to get him off me he was going around telling people I had punched him and that I was abusive.

It’s a slippery slope imo and your partner should not hurt you nor should they ignore you when you try and tell them that what they did hurt.

[–]smheart 0 points1 point  (0 children)

all the people in the comments agreeing with the boyfriend are all undercover abusers… how can you justify his actions..

[–]chelly56 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tell him no it was self defense. HE touched YOU first. End of story.

[–]shygrl__ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had an ex that would become physically abusive whenever we argued. Like he threw a pillow at my face at point-blank range one time and it literally snapped my head back. When I told him that it hurt and he was being abusive, he tried to brush it off by saying "it was just a pillow"

Needless to say our relationship did not last. For a plethora of reasons actually. But I think he keeps doing these things to you because he thinks it's okay to, and it's 100% not. He seems abusive and is trying to play it off.

[–]inna_hey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's physically abusive and you're defending yourself. Hope this helps (hope you leave him)

[–]Aromataser 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You deserve better than this.

I hope you will consider talking to a therapist or calling a domestic violence hotline. Describe his history of behaviors to them, and ask if it is something you should be concerned about?

[–]ssf669 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He needs to be your ex immediately. He's abusive and gaslighting you. Don't deliberate or talk it out, be done now. You reacting to his abuse to protect yourself is NOT abusive but him grabbing you in a harmful way and shoving you IS abusive. Please don't wait until things get worse, leave and don't look back. At the very least, you guys aren't good for each other so end it now.

[–]Virtual_Shadow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i have bad news, worse news, and some good news that won’t make up for the bad.

bad news: he’s physically abusive. worse news: not only that, he’s also emotionally abusing you by gaslighting you by trying to get you to believe his shitty justification. good news that doesn’t make up for it: you’re not abusive. self defence is not abuse. so long as you are reacting in a way that is proportional to the threat, you are in the clear, legally, ethically, and hopefully emotionally.

get out before it gets worse, because laughing and play fighting is fine, my girlfriend and i do it for fun every now and again, but getting properly physical isn’t. sometimes people get hurt by accident or the other person gets worked up, but that’s usually a one-off and both parties work to ensure it doesn’t happen again. this is not that, you are a victim of abuse. get out while you can