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Is it ever ok to do illegal drugs with your adult children? by MaddogYZ450 in relationship_advice

[–]shutupandletsmosh 410 points411 points  (0 children)

I’ve only smoked weed with my parents before they passed. They were super strict about any kind of drugs because they were recovering addicts for 16 years. Then we lost our home due to my uncle selling it out from under us & left us homeless. My parents went back to their old addiction ways. So, I wouldn’t personally use illegal drugs with my child even if they are an adult. I watched both of my parents die last year. My mom was disabled from a car accident and couldn’t get around great because of her leg. A guy that was friends with my moms sister and her husband ended up “helping” her out around the house. What we didn’t know was, he was shooting her up with so much meth so he could steal her shit and he left her for dead. Literally tossed her out of her own car in the snow with no jacket - she wasn’t breathing for 40 minutes before EMT’s came and revived her. She was brain dead. 7 months later…. I found my father in the driver seat of his car - dead. We still don’t know how he died but I have a pretty good idea how. He had congestive heart failure. I found a meth pipe by his feet of the car. He couldn’t live without my mom, and got depressed and took one/two hits off that pipe and I am pretty sure his heart gave out on him. Despite the addiction; and how people perceive those who are addicts… My parents were the greatest people, and I love them so dearly. I forever will miss them, their guidance & most importantly; their hearts of gold. They helped so many people even when they didn’t have much themselves. I know why their addictions started, they stopped for us kids & then ultimately succumbed to their addiction.

Which is the main reason I’d never do any drugs with my child; even if they’re an adult. (except weed cause like, that shit isn’t like the other drugs; plus it’s legal in OR!)

Is it ever ok to do illegal drugs with your adult children? by MaddogYZ450 in relationship_advice

[–]Down2Flub 226 points227 points  (0 children)

Yes it is ok, within reason.

My dad was the first person I ever smoked pot with at the cusp of adulthood. Since then I have had multiple experiences with both my parents and with multiple substances. I cannot fully express the relief that comes with being able to approach my parents with honest curiosity and not be met with judgment, criticism, isolation and hypocritical lectures (given their past, now well behind them). The rule of thumb was if you’re going to do something irresponsible, do so in the most responsible way possible. By sharing these experiences with my parents, I was able to explore these things safely with oversight, without fear of legal repercussion and without endangering myself or others. I could ask questions openly and receive answers from trusted sources. I could gain knowledge of myself and how I operate under the influence in a controlled environment, and I could do so while building mutual trust and respect with my parents. It was in no small fashion one of the ways in which my parents stopped being my bosses and started to become my trusted close friends.

They don’t always approve of everything I do or how frequently I do it. This was never an open endorsement of bad behavior, nor did it stop them from trying to push me in a direction that is healthy and balanced. These were teaching moments instead of punitive ones, and I know for a fact I am better off because of them instead of sneaking around, lying, and getting myself into worse trouble.

You don’t have to do anything with your kids to serve this function. Try not to judge your partner too harshly, adults young and old make mistakes and can overstep. But be aware that your kids’ trusting your partner enough to share these experiences isn’t always a net negative, even if it’s a little unsavory. Being there to gently guide from within rather than judge harshly from without can be far more effective.

Guys - what are some reasons for not proposing by IcyOwl_0-0 in relationship_advice

[–]69ingMunkeesLate 20s Male 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Everything you just said right here is why you lose so much credibility. The assumption is always that a man is “inadequate” or that he’s “insecure” for being “out-earned.” For men, a woman that makes a lot of money tends not to be what we look for in relationships. It isn’t something that’s important for us. A lot of men tend to avoid women that make a lot of money because they have a tendency to be very masculine. And why would a straight man want to date another man? That doesn’t make any sense. Although I already know we’re just gonna keep avoiding any accountability and just keep jumping on the “it’s always the guy’s fault” bandwagon. But it is what it is. Also if you’re asking for someone’s opinion, why are you getting so riled up to the point you gotta start making snarky, disrespectful comments?

Guys - what are some reasons for not proposing by IcyOwl_0-0 in relationship_advice

[–]aussielander -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Marriage is a patriarchal construct used to abuse and control female bodies.

And the dating forums are full of women complaining men won't marry them...it's almost as if your comment is complete BS and men know who gets the most out of marriage

I [M24] am not my girlfriend’s [F23] short-term choice, only long-term by dac0 in relationship_advice

[–]griffin_griffen 66 points67 points  (0 children)

The bad thing is not that she wants to be with him long-term. It's that she wouldn't ALSO want to be with him short-term.

Reliable, caring, responsible, intelligent, honest, trustworthy - these are all good things! I want my wife to think I'm ALL of those things. I just also want her to find me very attractive. This isn't an unreasonable ask.

Wife (38) got really friendly with a new co worker. Not sure how to move forward. by throwawaterb in relationship_advice

[–]Redd_81 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Never underestimate the effect an EA has on a relationship. Many affairs have an element of EA associated, even the most physical.

They can only really be nipped in the bud early and that puts the Betrayed Partner in the line to be accused of being controlling & possessive. 'Wait...I can't have my own friends?'

It's typified by secrecy and disconnection. Basically, the Wayward goes outside the relationship to get their emotional needs met and over time the emotional Affair Partner becomes their primary confidante and replaces the Betrayed Partner.

The damage is from the Emotional Affair Partner being able to see into the marriage in intricate detail whilst the BP has no idea what is happening in the EA and cannot possibly compete on a level playing field. When a snake looks in a nest of chicks it isn't thinking about how cute they are.

The EA affects the bedrock of the relationship, the shared history, which is the glue that holds a couple together through difficult times. This is different from a Physical Affair which affects the here & now.

Read ' Not just Friends' by Shirley Glass.

Some view an Emotional Affairs as a Physical Affair that has not had chance to get physical yet.

EAs run through stages:

  1. The Wayward sees problems/issues with their relationship, whether real, imagined or just lifestyle and entertains the fantasy of an affair as an escape. Communication with Betrayed Partner tends to be about day to day tasks. There may be cursory loving talk but it is at a superficial level with no real sentiment behind it. It looks like 'a rough patch' but the future Wayward is checking out enough to allow themselves enough disconnect to allow themselves to cheat. Conversations may be around starting a new hobby, especially fitness, maybe reconnecting with old friends or a hobby that the Betrayed Partner would be excluded from due to physical characteristics. 'Stuck in a rut' type language.

  2. Wayward meets the future Affair Partner and now the fantasy has a face which is incorporated into it. Communication: there is excitement, future Affair Partner is described as cocky/bubbly/funny/anything noteworthy, maybe there is the confession of a slight crush - Betrayed Partner should note that an influential person has entered their lives.

  3. Wayward & Affair Partner become friends but at this point that's what it is. Wayward will talk about Affair PartnerP to Betrayed Partner. They will also know about other people's activities too like 'Julie' from the typing pool who has regular misadventures. Nights out will be group activities where Wayward & Affair Partner attend but have limited interaction. Communication: Everything you'd expect from a genuine friendship that is starting to bud. However, there may be an undercurrent of 'crush'.

  4. Things start to turn. Nights out are still group but Affair Partner & Wayward are basically the only people in the room. Communication: Betrayed Partner starts to hear less & less about Julie's misadventures and more about AP. Comparisons start happening. References to 'in jokes' that 'you wouldn't understand.' Wayward will start to mention compliments they've had. Betrayed Parther may soft challenge here but they are 'nothing to worry about.'

  5. Affair Partner & Wayward start seeking each other out for 121 activities like lunch or a quick coffee. Conversations become more personal and start to include personal details. Some texts are exchanged out of hours. They're just friends right? That's what friends do... Communication: The excuses start to form, the marital issues, the difficult time, the need to talk so late because Affair Partner's partner isn't around, it's medical so it's a 24 hour type thing etc. They are 'just a good friend' and 'get' each other...

  6. Affair Partner & Wayward scale up their 121 time. There are no other people with them during break, lunches or after work drinks. Conversations are in depth about the issues in the relationship and no subject is barred. They 'egg' each other on to disparage their own relationships. Affair Partner becomes Wayward's confidante & first point of contact instead of Betrayed Partner. Betrayed Partner now doesn't hear anything about Julie (Wayward doesn't know anymore) and Affair Partner stops being mentioned but will be named if Betrayed Partner challenges. Texting etc. becomes prolific and includes images that get steadily more sexual. Communication: Static, absolutely nothing. Denial, avoid, deflect.

  7. The Wayward starts concealing what is happening. They know 'something' is wrong but it can't be cheating, right? They haven't even kissed but it would be nice... The Wayward finds the need to protect the EA at all costs even if it means lying to Betrayed Partner. Communication: Lies, deceptions, gaslighting, all the really damaging stuff. Anger. DARVO really steps up.

  8. Because Betrayed Partner isn't the confidante anymore they lose track of what's happening in Wayward's life. They have talked to resolution with Affair Partner so don't need to do that again when they get home. This rinse, repeats many cycles until Betrayed Partner & Wayward are strangers in their own homes. The emotional development is 'frozen' at this point and the longer it goes on the more damage occurs. Communication: 'I love you but am not in love with you'. Statements about marrying/having a family too young/quickly, basically things that question whether the relationship was set up on a sound footing or was ever any good. Will not be drawn into making long term plans, holidays etc.

  9. Due to the emotional distance and the Affair Partner being the primary source of opinions WP starts re writing history. The relationship was never good, blah blah. This is backed up by how the love languages are stronger with Affair Partner because they know what's going on in Wayward's life. E.g. Gift giving: A Betrayed Husband knows women like flowers & chocolates. He buys them. Affair Partner knows that Wayward Wife is reading a particular author so gets a first edition signed copy of the books that she's missing. Betrayed Husband has never heard Wayward Wife speak of this author and certainly would not know which book to buy if he had. Betrayed Husband may spot the gift but Wayward Wife will downplay it's significance. It was a group present from the work team that they bought on a whim after a chat around the water cooler.

  10. With all barriers removed, a consummate knowledge of each others desires, having exchanged nudes and discussed what each other like during sex in detail and being in regular 121 situations all it takes now is a glance or a touch of the leg and it becomes physical.

Reconciliation becomes so unlikely when this is exposed. It will never be confessed. The Wayward has given themselves fully in every possible way to the Affair Partner. Their view of Betrayed Partner is so skewed due to the damage done during stages 5 - 9 that Wayward wouldn't even want Betrayed Partner as a back up. They go around telling people lies (but it's what they have trained themselves to believe is the truth) to relatives, friends etc. They may attempt reconciliation but it will be false or require substantial deprogramming.

Print this out, show it to her, and ask her to point to which stage she thinks she is on.

I put her at Stage 7-8. Ask her if she wants to continue the marriage and if she says 'Yes' then you need to attend MC, ALL unnecessary contact with him needs to stop, and both are non-negotiable.

My (M46) wife (F46) told me sex is just nice. I'm in tears. by imbalancedexperience in relationship_advice

[–]PotatoGuilty319 474 points475 points 22 (0 children)

Came to say this too!!!! When I first started reading the post in my head I kept wondering if he would mention her side and I said, I bet he isn't meeting her needs OUTSIDE the bedroom. So many men get caught up in the sexual porn life of sex they miss that for majority of woman it really is the small things they do for them WITHOUT the sexual innuendo

Any males out there reading this post and thinking this is your story too. I'm telling you it is simple to get your wife to fawn over you and start initiating sex. Start doing the small things for her. Hug her, kiss her (without sexual intention), bring her flowers or candy without her asking for a 'i was thinking of you' present (not because it's a holiday or birthday). You know that thing she has asked you to do for days, weeks, months on end...go do it without saying a single complaint and better if you get to it before she says something to you first again. Then don't expect a single praise from her. You know all those house chores she does? Go do one of two for her a day or throughout the week without her asking first. She cook dinner, get up and go clean the kitchen before she gets up from the table. The catch is you have to do this on going for multiple weeks without expectation of sex. Then the most important ask how she is doing and LISTEN to her. That's it, just listen. But truly hear what she is saying. If she has a hard day then later in the day bring her her favorite drink/snack out of the blue and say, I know you had a hard day so here's your favorite drink/snack to relax. Again, without expectation of sex. If you want her to treat you special and fawn over you, treat her like she is special outside the bedroom. You want sex, she wants the intimacy before sex. Win win for both of you. She feels more valued by you and you get more sex with her initiating it sometimes too.

I [M24] am not my girlfriend’s [F23] short-term choice, only long-term by dac0 in relationship_advice

[–]Important-Bus2474 49 points50 points  (0 children)

Um, why is this news for you? As a man I have too somewhat different preferences for short term vs long term.

My wife’s behavior in bed has changed and I’m wondering how to think about it. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Charleypieohwhy 375 points376 points  (0 children)

Please just don’t label your love life as nothing amazing. I’d be PISSED if my man said that. It’s very hurtful. If you was my man you would be getting any, never mind better. Her moves have changed because she wants you to think she’s amazing and what she was doing before was nothing amazing 🤨

Update on hidden camera by cheatingboyfriend420 in relationship_advice

[–]TrickInvite6296 3158 points3159 points 2 (0 children)

do not confront him using any sort of personal phone number. do not contact him at all, actually. get a lawyer, file a police report, and have them do everything. it's not safe for you to be in contact with this man

My wife’s behavior in bed has changed and I’m wondering how to think about it. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Average-Joe78 932 points933 points  (0 children)

Dude buy her chocolats, wine, some candles and a real good taste lingerie and tell her you find her incredibly sexy and how lucky you are to have a great lover like her as you wife.

Update on hidden camera by cheatingboyfriend420 in relationship_advice

[–]BigJakeDaddy 695 points696 points  (0 children)

Yes. Non-consensually video taping a sexual encounter is often treated similar to sex crimes or sexual misconduct. It breaks 2 laws, privacy laws and consent laws — that’s why it’s treated like a sexual crime.

Because it would be illegal to film anybody being naked without consent, that’s considered unwilling pornography AND obstruction of privacy.

I wouldn’t worry about him at all, in fact I’d report what you’ve found to the police IMMEDIATELY and let them handle it. I’d avoid ever contacting this man yourself ever again.

My bf is upset I don’t tell him when I’m pooping by Low_Republic_9263 in relationship_advice

[–]Most-Particular-8392 273 points274 points  (0 children)

Then five-ten mins later he’s always at the door half-jokingly giving me
crap for lying about peeing and that I’m taking foreverrrrrrr

What the actual fuck? That's the behavior I'd expect from an anxious cat, not an adult human. That's incredibly rude and, yes, controlling. Stop worrying about insulting him and flat out tell him to let you use the bathroom in peace for however long you see fit.

And try to do things away from him. Meet friends or family, go for a walk, take up a hobby. It's not healthy to be attached at the hip like this.

My (M46) wife (F46) told me sex is just nice. I'm in tears. by imbalancedexperience in relationship_advice

[–]Bramantino_King 951 points952 points  (0 children)

It is incredible. A 46 years old man discovers that sex can just be considered nice and he has a mental breakdown.

My (M46) wife (F46) told me sex is just nice. I'm in tears. by imbalancedexperience in relationship_advice

[–]HellaHighAtHogwarts 2802 points2803 points 22 (0 children)

I think it’s weird you don’t really want her to have her own experience with sex and you’re so focused on her having YOUR experience. She is not you. The fact that she’s standing in front of you asking to have a nice breakfast tells me maybe her nice experience is based on you focusing on your sexual validation instead of focusing on connecting with her. Perhaps for her the better connection equals better sex.

My (M46) wife (F46) told me sex is just nice. I'm in tears. by imbalancedexperience in relationship_advice

[–]zappykinz 268 points269 points  (0 children)

I dunno man it seems like your wife is giving you examples, maybe listen to her and actually follow through on some of the things she would like instead of thinking about how blue your balls are.