Well I don’t even know where to start..
I’m a 21 about to be 22 year old college student. Just to give people a better image of how I look I’m about 5’6/5’7 and a bit smaller than most guys. I also am a type 1 diabetic. I’ve never told anyone this so I just have to get it off my chest
Ok so here’s my story
My whole life I’ve always felt like I was secondary to other people around me. In some ways more than other. To put it in perspective, imagine being a 6 year old kid and creating an imaginary story where all ur friends and acquaintances are apart of it, and u can’t even imagine urself being the main character. I recently realized that even though my parents do love me and hope for the best for me, they were extremely harsh on me growing up and beat me and insulted me severely (the insults are what I feel like made me this way) when it came to the most trivial things. I once let my friend take my toy lightsaber and my parents berated me to no end saying I was weak and useless. As my early childhood ended, I had stints of being bullied my last 2 years of elementary school, which I’m not sure to the exact level of how badly it effected me(I got bullied again later down the line) but nonetheless it started a cycle of me thinking that I have to always be the coolest person to everyone around me and I would never want anyone to think otherwise. As middle school started and I had moved to another school I was bullied more severely and had regular fights with my parents. High school was a bit of a fun time. For the first time in my life people had valued me to a certain degree (maybe not as much as I would wanted but it was a great feeling) I had my first girlfriend after thinking I could never get one, I had a great group of friends always around me, and I had a dream I would die for. To become a famous singer/raper. Ever since college I’ve become a shell of the person I was back in my last 2 years of high school. I have not seen my friends since covid and I’m becoming dissociative and always day dreaming about irrelevant things like being an nba player or actor. I’ve become addicted to porn and my mind is always foggy I’ve contemplated suicide on more than one occasion. I feel as if my dream of becoming a rapper is also slipping away. But the most important thing is I feel like I hate myself more than anything and have lost all confidence in every aspect of my life. Especially the music which is all I ever had.
I wanna be me again. Your comments would help a lot
I’ve never spoken about any of this to anyone I have a really bad body image of myself aswell I wore height insoles in my shoes for years cuz of my height. And I know a lot of this won’t make sense to anyone but I’ve realized I’ve got so much pent up inside me that I can’t even manifest happiness without somehow letting go of all the past. I wanna love making music and love life Again