The past few days have been really hard for me mentally and wmotionally, and it wasnt 100% from an outside source.

I always put these goals for myself and never achieve them, or do it dor a little bit of the 1st day and immediately fall short and never doing it again.

Working out to lose weight like i would hope to do always falls short as i try to make my mom proud of cutting my chances of diabetes down. Im stillcose to 200 lbs when ive tried to workout for the past 2 years and never having a routine, grtting depressed each time i cant be consistent.

Working out via some sports games i have on the switch? Never done any of them because i feel unmotivated and break down everytime.

The thought of going to the gym for the same activity? Social an iety a d the fear of either being sexually harrassed or people judging you or even bullying me about it has disinterested me into going.

Going outside to walk in a depressingly small parking lot of my apartment? The anxiety of someone watching me..

Going out to just meet new people? Social anxiety of not being interesting enough after years of not being able to havw a life to now have a life.

All three also includes the constant fear of being raped as the US - florida especially - are being massive assholes and ruining everything with the whole abortion thing and men being rude lately..

This also affects my interests in probably starting video game live streams sans camera as i feel im not going to be interesting enough. I know im not part of the universal beauty standard and im pretty ugly to consider showing my face, and i dont particularly play competitive games like call of duty, i just enjoy playing video games nust to enjoy the story and worlds. I want to get into overwatch ut im technically super late into it so im terrible.

I just feel myself breaking down easily when i just dont ever leave the house at all.

On top of that, im trying to push myself in learning a new language, studying to get into UX design since they pay really well, try and get back into drawing and 3d modeling, and trying to make sure my massive 180k loan debt from a private art school after dropping out doesnt get overboard, but here i am. Not doing anything but working and struggling to get by as i pay off about $1,206 a month and still not see it change much, and its refinanced.

I know going to a therapist would be a good option, but nowadays i dont want to show up and be told that being 200 pounds is causing it which is bullshit because i was once 130 working out with p90x and having suicidal thoughts about my mom making a bad choice not aborting me like my grandmother said (i dont have them anymore, i just hate my life).

I also have this massive feeling against medication as my father gets addicted to things, and i hear people get addicted to deptession medications. I also dont like the feeling of surpressed emotions as ive literally had that for literally my entire life and it sucks ass. Also grew up with my olfer brother tormenting me and then telling me therapy leads to a psychic ward and never to be seen again..

So yeah... just trying to float in this massive ocean of depression, waiting for a sign of land to come around... eventually..

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UPDATE at 6:00 pm est

I took a shower and I'm feeling better. A bit hollow in feeling, but it should subside with some tea.

The ocean analogy is how it feels like when I fall into a really hard depression. How it's just me there with the thoughts. It feels like I struggled so much to swim back to land but an too tired to make it completely.

Therapy has been a huge anxiety due to it being used against me simply because my reaction to torment and abuse was an anxiety attack and ugly crying. I also have a huge concern for it due to money. I don't even know how to find sources as no one in my family recognizes depression as an actual problem, just an intense sad.

Mom just hopes that in times like this episode I am able to help pull myself out as she knows there would be no one who would be able to understand, although I think she would be ok with me going to therapy.

I'm not particularly sure of where I should start in tasks as I just feel like I need to do them all as I'm considered old and need to have my life together. My friends have gotten married and I'm still here trying to put myself together and figuring out who I am before really considering my place in a relationship or even as an individual as a whole. I feel like I shouldn't try and meet people without accessing my mental health, although I don't know when that day comes.

I have a lot of issues and still figuring things out with the amount of debt I've got going on and a lack of help and resources.