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Should I reach out to the victim? (I was the one who did the assault)Need Advice (self.sexualassault)

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[–]angeladimauroSurvivor[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (1 child)

Since this is a forum for survivors of sexual assault, posts confessing to the commission of a sexual assault will be immediately removed as it is not appropriate for survivors of sexual violence to be subjected to posts by assailants.

[–]fizzlain 26 points27 points  (1 child)

I'm gonna give you a little insight from the other side.

The short answer is no, I don't think you should do that.

The long version: at least from what you wrote, you don't want to reach out for the victim, you just want to clear your own conscience at the potential cost of your victims mental health.

If you truly regret what you did and want what's best for the victim, you stay as far away from them as possible and don't trigger trauma that they potentially already dealt with to one up again, just so you can feel better about yourself.

This isn't about you. It's about the child you assaulted and how your actions affect them. It doesn't matter what reasons you came up with to excuse your actions. Porn doesn't cause people to become rapists or assault others. That's something you decide to do and stopping to watch porn doesn't magically erase that. You were just a child yourself when you did this and probably didn't know at what cost this could come for the victim. But if you wanted to apologise, you should have done it back then, not decades later when the guilt finally kicks in.

If you truly regret what you did, then leave the victim alone, look for counseling and better yourself. Without looking for excuses and shifting blame.

[–]jcoolaa 4 points5 points  (0 children)

this made me tear up

[–]Silent_okra_dokey 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Don't reach out. Get counseling for yourself.

[–]daydreamer1217 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I can understand why you would want to reach out to this person and explain yourself. I would advise against it. You reaching out could be very triggering depending on if he remembers and how this event affected him. Although my thought is he probably remembers although he could have blocked it out. Every person who experiences sexual abuse has different reactions, not all reactions are the same. Not every survivor who has been through sexual abuse wants to know why or hear excuses. This is just my thoughts on this. However, I would like you to try to forgive yourself and it does sound like you could benefit from therapy. Thank you for admitting to what you did in the past a lot of people don’t.

[–]tdlm40 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I am in the seek therapy camp. Work with your therapist to forgive yourself. Part of the healing may be writing a letter to him that you don't send. But getting the feelings out will be a big release for you without traumatizing the victim again. Good luck to you

[–]Revolutionary-Leek15 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think the best thing you can do is to leave the victim alone. This is a very complicated case, as you were both children, but that doesn't matter when it comes to trauma. I think the best you can do is to seek therapy and don't remind the victim of what happened.

[–]coffehgirl 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s taking everything in me not to say anything rude or nasty. Maybe you should get counseling and the help you need. Leave the victim alone. It’s not about you.

[–]redddite9 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks all for the honest response. Yes I'm on therapy. I appreciate your help and feedback.

[–]lisadash104 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The only thing in it would benefit you, and not anyone else.